Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Most of you probably have never heard of the Mac Dade Mall, unless, of course, you lived in Delaware County. I have very fond memories of this tiny, often overlooked, place. I went back on Monday, probably for the last time, just to pay tribute to it. Not many stores are left, and the quiet was eerie.
My mom used to take me up there all the time when I was just a little “Los.” We would walk the 15 minutes, shop at the Super Saver (now an Acme), walk through the nicely air-conditioned mall, down to the Woolco (now a K-Mart), eat a soft pretzel and drink an Icee.
When my friends and I went to the ERIC theatre, we would first stop at the Richards 5&10 and pick up some snacks, so we didn’t have to pay those outrageous movie theatre prices.
I would sometimes buy fancy clothes at the Carlton Shoppe, maybe play some arcade games at the Time Zone (always hoping that Punchout or Tag Team Wrestling didn’t have a line).
In my teenage years, I worked at Seven Seas Pet Center (then, Hooked on Pets, and then again Seven Seas Pet Center). I made many friends at the Italian Delight, K-Mart, Hot Diggity Dog, Mac Dade Eatery, and other stores working there. Most of those stores are now long gone. I fought back the tears walking down the empty mall, trying to remember which stores were located where.
I know that Smokin’ Steve is probably going through the same or more – as he spent much more time at the mall than I did (his mom has been the manager there for, what seems like, ever). We’ll have to go out one night soon, and make a toast to the place that watched us grow up.
Monday, May 29, 2006
1. Kal's in the toilet. The grand-daddy of them all! My mom used this phrase when I was in the bathroom and can't get to the phone. She has ruined many a date for me in the past.
2. Kal, do the jellybeans bite? Mom used this one when we were in Myrtle Beach, in the ocean. My response was, "The red ones are a little spicy."
3. Kal's in the basement, making exercise. This is what I'm doing when I should be working out.
4. Kal, the smoke detector is empty. Well, fill it back up with smoke!
5. Kal, enjoy the boys. This is what she would tell me when I went to the bars … and no, I’m not gay.
6. Kal, would you like some warm chocolate milk? Hot Chocolate never sounded so good!
7. Kal, will there be any stripers at the bachelor party? Mom wanting to know what kind of fish there will be.
8. No, I'm sorry. Kal's in Sue. My mom telling a friend I was over at Sue's house.
9. Kal, is the ocean big? Not so big this time of year.
10. Kal, did you hear about the Amtrak scare? No, but I did hear about the Anthrax scare.
11. Kal, you should put silicone on your sunburn. That way I could increase it's size.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Here they are in no particular order:
* "I just mailed a turd to the sewer using Crapper's Same-Day Delivery."
* "I'm gonna pay a visit to the Angry Chair.”
* "I've got a meeting to attend at the oval office."
* “I just returned from hangin' bananas."
* "I have to unleash the party snakes."
* "I'm going to solid fart."
* "I'm going to 'give the brown tongue.'"
* "Time to go drown some brown."
* "I just flew the toilet kite."
* "I just tattooed the toilet."
* "I just dropped some rope."
* "I was just in the fecal position."
* "I ripped off some tree bark."
* "I got some luggage in the trunk."
* “I just released the mud eels from the butt cave."
* "I just created some dark matter."
* "I just 'Clubber Langed' the toilet."
* "I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl."
* "I have to download a fecal file."
* "I have a runner in scoring position."
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
* Steak and Eggs bothers me – one is breakfast and one is dinner. They should not be mixed. It’s like crossing streams in Ghostbusters.
* Not having a choice for a side besides hash-browns at restaurants for breakfast – I hate hash-browns, and there should be an alternative for idiots (like me) who are hard to please … like, say tater tots?
* People who don’t use their turn-signals – If you are a religious reader of this blog, you already know this. I am so fanatical, that I think you should even use the turn signal at 4:00 in the morning when nobody else is on the road.
* The little “Zoom-Zoom” kid from the Mazda commercials – I so desperately wanted one of the Mazda drivers to “accidentally” run him over. The kid haunted my dreams for many nights a few years ago.
* Chili with beans – Did you know that original chili is made without beans? That’s the one I prefer, because I, too, am an original.
* Meter Maids in the city of Philadelphia – My god, these animals hide behind trees, trash cans, and mailboxes, waiting for meters to run out so they can get their fancy little ticket books out to write people tickets. These people have the power to create bad.
* NASCAR and Country Music – Enough already! We get it! The south is so “in” right now.
* News Anchors and weather people who try to have a “spontaneous” conversation – Seriously, guys, nobody is buying it. You guys are about as interesting as a Saltine.
* Gas stations that charge for air – As if bending us over and sticking the gas nozzle in isn’t enough, you still have to charge for air????
* Serving Size recommendations for food – Who in the world can only eat 3 chocolate chip cookies??? Who the hell is making these suggestions, Nicole Richie?
Monday, May 22, 2006
Barbaro and his jig-saw puzzled leg was the lead story in just about every local news/sports show this weekend, and even today, and was very high up in national news as well. And, while it is a shame horse, I must remind everybody, IT IS ONLY A HORSE! My goodness, I’ve never seen anything like this – one would think that this horse was a movie star, war-hero, and chemist who found a cure for cancer rolled up in one.
Need I remind everybody that this horse is owned by people who are so wealthy that they probably have never seen a quarter before? Why does everybody care so much about this? Is Philly so desperate that its very existence (and sanity) depended on a horse to win the triple crown?
I’m not trying to playa-hate on animal lovers (yeah, I went ghetto on ya, deal with it). I love animals (not in that way, pervs). I never want to see bad things happen to animals, but when this is the lead story on a news program, something is wrong. Again, I remind you, it is only a horse. A HORSE! One that would’ve been put down had it not been worth so much friggin’ money. Oh yes, that is the ONLY reason this horse is being saved – so that the owners can make more money on it. I hope nobody thinks that they were performing life-saving surgery on Barbaro because he was a nice horse. Rubbish. They make their money on studding the horse (good for the horse AND the owner, but how good is it for anyone else?).
Geez, they are making a bigger deal about Barbaro’s leg than the elections and the attached violence in the Iraq. Eh, who cares about world issues and mass human deaths – a friggin’ horse broke its leg during a rich-persons’ race. What’s wrong with you people? Seriously.
There was even a title that was given to this story – “Bleakness at Preakness.” Seriously? Were there any other words that they were thinking of using? Like maybe – “Freakness,” or “Reekness?” Was it really that slow of a news weekend?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
2. Let me tell you, it is hard to be a Philly sports fan, especially when both the NBA and NHL playoffs are producing some of the best games in recent memory.
3. So, what is the deal with 2-hour season finales for all T.V. shows now? I’m not complaining, especially when I get twice as much “24,” and “Lost.” I’m just wondering if this is just a fad, or if this has been an ongoing occurrence – You see, I haven’t really followed many TV shows in recent years, so I may have missed this. Will and Grace is two hours, and normally this show is only ½ hour. Is this fair? Will we be spared an extra hour of American Idol?
4. I hate Honda. Not because of their cars – those are actually well-built. But, I hate Honda because of their new ad campaign for their new car, the Fit. The slogan is, “The Fit is Go!” First, it makes no sense. Look, I know that this is a typical Japano-translation error that has now become trendy. I guess trendy passed me by, because I find it more annoying than anything. The worst part is, much like Achy Breaky Heart, the venom sticks in your head, even though you try and try to rip it out.
5. I saw a segment on a local news show about annoying coworkers the other day. Some of the obvious items that were discussed were loud coworkers, nosy coworkers, and coworkers with annoying cell phone rings. Believe me, all of those coworkers are present in the office I work in. But, let me add a few more – I hate coworkers who “lurk.” These ones will float behind you without you even noticing them. They will sit there until you acknowledge their existence and talk to them. Additionally, I hate the brown-noser/tattle-tale types – I don’t think we have any here, but I’ve had experiences with them in the past.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I want to preface this rant by saying that I always enjoyed Danny Glover, from the middle-aged cranky cop side-kick of Mel Gibson’s in Lethal Weapon, to the guy who was trying to sell us a new phone service in those MCI commercials. I’m sure the guy has been in other movies (none of which I can currently think of), and I’ve seen him interviewed before – he always seemed pretty intelligent.
But, man, did he look and sound like a total schmuck during this interview. I’ve heard Paris Hilton say more eloquent and intelligent things in her “home video release” than Glover did in this interview. Sure, when Aaron was chasing Ruth back in the ‘70’s, he was getting death threats from a bunch of racist, uneducated Americans. There was certainly quite a bit more racism back then than there is now, without question. And, yes, McGuire probably should’ve been worked over harder by the media and fans when his steroid-swollen ass collected the home run record in the late 1990’s (I have a theory as to why he didn’t get grilled then – because fans wanted to fall in love with baseball again).
However, to say that this Bonds bashing is solely racially fueled is like saying that all of the O.J. Simpson bashing was racially motivated. Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous! I’m a firm believer in the term “you reap what you sow.” Bonds has been a prick his entire life … and worse than that, he has been a jealous prick. So, when McGuire bulked up faster than the Incredible Hulk to hit 70 home runs, Bonds decided he had to bulk up even quicker. However, one major difference between Bonds and McGuire (no, not skin color) was that Bonds enjoyed being a jerk to just about everyone he met, while McGuire was more of a fan favorite.
This doesn’t make McGuire right. McGuire’s records should be eliminated from baseball’s record books as well. My point is that Glover should’ve at the very least acknowledged how much of a bite-in-the-ass his “friend” Barry was, instead of pushing all of the blame to the racist media and people of the United States. I’m guessing the deal for Lethal Weapon 5 fell through, and this is the only way that anybody will give a flying rat’s ass about Danny Glover again. Well, done, Murtaugh!
Monday, May 15, 2006
I saw a Mastercard commercial this weekend that was promoting the Men’s U.S. soccer team this weekend. Now, I had seen this commercial a few times before, and had never realized why it pissed me off … until Saturday. Look, I’m happy anytime the soccer team gets some air time – I’m guessing most Americans probably know more about rocket science than they do about the World Cup. So, why would a Mastercard commercial piss me off?
It’s simple. Mastercard uses the “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” song as background for a commercial featuring the U.S. soccer team. As most of you hopefully, know, this tune is a baseball diddy – NOT a soccer diddy. I’m guessing there aren’t too many American songs that commemorate or celebrate this sport, but why a baseball song? Couldn’t they regurgitate some tired Bob Seger song for this? Why don’t they try to be trendy and get some new modern rock song for this commercial? Are you telling me that this is the only song that “fits” with the whole theme of the Mastercard commercial?
Am I taking this too seriously? Probably. For some reason, poorly done commercials, or blatantly bad commercials get under my skin. I’m guessing the reason behind this is that if these companies who are paying for air-time are really trying to get us to use their products, shouldn’t they do a better job with their commercials? I’ve vented before on the Bud Light vomit-trail of a string of commercials featuring the unlikable Ted Ferguson, and the KFC commercials that feature the overplayed Lynard Skynard “Sweet Home Alabama” song (It is Kentucky Fried Chicken, NOT Alabama Fried Chicken, dammit!).
Back to the Mastercard commercial. Do I think people will confuse soccer with baseball because of the song? No (although, I think some of the “lesser-educated” might). So, why should I care? Honestly, I don’t know why I care, but I do. Commercials should get it right, shouldn’t they? They spend millions of dollars to develop these time wasters. But for what? So, we can watch P-Diddy tell us to drink Pepsi because it’s “Brown and Bubbly?”
I know. I'm such a tool.
Friday, May 12, 2006
1. Kaz (pronounced Kahz) – This one was given to me at a very early age, I believe I was in first grade when we schoolchildren were discussing something about World War II, Nazis, Japs, and Kamikaze missions, and since my first name was similar to Kamikaze (the first two letters are the same), some of my peers began calling me Kamikaze. It was eventually shortened to Kaz, and this nickname stuck with me until high school.
2. Los (pronounced low-s). This is probably my favorite one, and was given to me when I was on the Interboro soccer team. Apparently, our first names were not good enough, so the captains of the team decided each of us needed a different name. Mine was originally going to be Karlos, but it was eventually shortened to Los. This became the dominant nickname for me throughout high school, and I wanted it to continue through college, but when I told my college buddies to call me Los, they said, “Whatever, Karl.” It is still used by many of my high school buddies, but I fear it is slowly becoming a thing of the past … much like the Backstreet Boyz and Jay Leno.
3. Stupid German – This was an alternative nickname to Los in high school. Since I’m German and I do stupid things, the nickname came naturally. Thankfully, it never caught on.
4. The Winner – I was given this nickname by a lady with no teeth taking her daughter for a walk last year. A few friends of mine and I went on a bar tour, and as we were leaving one bar to go to another, we walked by this piece of white trash. I had a lot of quarters in my pocket, so my pants jingled as I walked (I needed quarters for the Megatouch machine, dammit!!!!). The lady heard this, and she said, “Hey, you must be the winner.” I would’ve punched her, but it looked like somebody beat her to me. Anyway, this nickname stuck for the rest of the bar tour, and will probably be brought out for the next bar tour (which happens to take place tomorrow).
5. Bubbie – This is one that my wife uses for me. I’m not really sure what her inspiration was for this, but she uses it all the time. I guess it is better than being called “Piece of Shit,” or something like that.
If any of you can think of any more for me, go right ahead (keep it clean).
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Now, I’m not nearly as bad as some people. My dad is a heavy snorer. When staying at that house, it is best to fall asleep quickly, because his haunting snores can be heard throughout the entire dwelling. Unfortunately for my dad, his snores are not very rhythmic. Rhythmic snoring isn’t so bad, because others can get used to it and use it as a tool to fall asleep. However, my father’s snores sound eerily similar to the sound of a crow that is cawing through a megaphone next to your ear … yeah, not a good sound. Additionally, it gets louder, quieter, more mucous-filled – cats in heat are even afraid to get anywhere near that house.
My dad has never sought treatment for this – I’m not even sure there is treatment. Obviously, since he’s never gone to a doctor about it, he’s never had any diagnosis. The fear is that it could be sleep apnea – which apparently could be dangerous. Here is the definition I found from Dictionary.com:
Sleep Apnea - A temporary suspension of breathing occurring repeatedly during sleep that often affects overweight people or those having an obstruction in the breathing tract, an abnormally small throat opening, or a neurological disorder.
My father is closing in on his mid-70’s, so obviously, it really hasn’t affected him. My mom, on the other hand, has probably lost a lot of sleep in her life because of it. In fact, after my younger brother was born, they slept in separate rooms because she couldn’t get used to the constant snores anymore.
I have a few friends who have been tested for sleep apnea, and I hear that the testing is vigorous and very uncomfortable. Doesn’t one need comfort in order to sleep? It’s 2001 – I would think that science would’ve developed a better means to test for apnea than the current way, which involves taping wires all over the head area, and wearing some sort of mask. This makes being stuck in an elevator with Gene Shallot seem like a picnic.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. I don’t have sleep apnea (as far as I know), but I remember going to New Orleans with a friend who had sleep apnea so bad, that it probably would’ve been easier for me to sleep on an airport runway than in the same bedroom as him. A few of the things I contemplated doing included sleeping in the bathtub, going out at night and sleeping during the day (or the exact opposite of what he was doing), and even suffocating him came to mind (it’s amazing what will go through your head when you are sleep deprived).
I guess my point is – if you are sleeping over at my house, and you have sleep apnea, you better either make sure I have taken sleeping pills OR you should sleep in the basement.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Anyway, I figured, since they are probably looking for a new slogan, maybe I or my two or three readers could help the state out. I already gave one suggestion on my other blog (losrulz.blogspot.com) – “Still One of the Fifty States.” But, I really want to deliver a bunch of ideas for the State to work with. So, without further ado, here is my top ten list of slogan ideas for New Jersey:
1. The Only State Crazy Enough to Use Jug-Handles Excessively.
2. A Little Taste of the South Up North.
3. That Small Strip of Land Between New York and Philly.
4. What’s That Smell? Come See For Yourself (a takeoff on the last slogan).
5. Should We Change Our Name to Atlantic City?
6. Hey, Nobody Watched the Miss America Pageant Anyway.
7. You Should See Who We Elected This Time.
8. Vegas, Schmegas
9. Pull My Finger
10. You Wants Tomatoes? We Got Your Tomatoes Right Here.
Friday, May 05, 2006
1. The chef will have an egg, and do tricks with it, with it eventually finding its way onto the chef’s hat – as the chef begs all “participants” to tell him where the egg is.
2. The chef will cook a bunch of extra shrimp, and will fling them into the mouths of the participants (this may change, however, because some schmuck decided to sue Benihannas when he choked on one of these. This guy should never be allowed to go to a restaurant again). The chef will pick one person at the table, usually the fattest, and fling 3-4 shrimp in a row in his mouth (thankfully, I’m off the hook, as Smokin’ is attending).
3. The chef will make some sort of joke regarding rice. It will not be funny at all, but everyone at the table will give him a mercy laugh, much like people do to Jim Belushi.
All of this for just $20. It is a lot of fun, and I especially recommend it to a group of people who want to go out, be sociable, and have a good time. However, tonight may not be the best night to go, because it is Cinco De Mayo. I’m gonna guess that Asian restaurants normally don’t do a very good job with this holiday, considering it has nothing to do with them. With that said, here are my five predictions on what Hibachi’s will do to celebrate this momentous occasion:
1. Free grilled Chihuahuas for every party of 10.
2. Each chef will don a sombrero instead of the more traditional chef’s hat that most Japanese chefs choose to wear.
3. Featured drink will be Corona with Wasabe sauce.
4. A piñata will be set up – with patrons swinging. The piñata will be filled with tiny kamikaze airplanes.
5. Margaritas will include free mini Hari-Kari knives.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
9. Practice? We’re Talkin’ About Practice?
8. By the End of the Summer, You’ll Forget How Bad It Really Was.
7. Hey, Who Doesn’t Like Lotteries Anyway?
6. We Promise We’ll Do What the Phillies Did With Wade if You Promise to Buy Tickets.
5.Yeah, But What About Our Cool Mascot?
4. Don’t Worry. We Have Isaiah Thomas on Speed Dial.
3.At Least We’re Better Than 1972’s Team
2.Pat Croce, You Have Our Number.
Passion. Pride. Puhlease! (Thanks to Smokin’ Steve)
Speaking of which, I figured I’d Prognosticate as to what Bobby Clarke will do this offseason:
1.. Since Steve Yzermann is retiring from Detroit (most likely), he will now be “ready” to play for the Flyers.
2. Dominik Hasek is 43 – he may be too young to play goalie for the Flyers.
3. Plans to increase Hitchcock’s calorie count – he was a much better coach when he was fat.
4. Thinking about calling Kjell Samuelsson up, he was the tallest and slowest defensemen we ever had.5. Sign Desjardains to a 5-year contract, because he liked the slow-ness.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Not that I’ve bought a lot of stuff from infomercials. In fact, I can only remember buying three items. The first was the Totally 80’s cd I purchased in the early 1990’s. At the time it was a great buy – prior to about 1000 other 80’s compilations being sold at Circuit City of $5.00. I also bought the Ronco 6-Star knife set, which we have used extensively over the past year-and-a-half. Lastly, I bought the Scunci Steamer – a wonderful steam-cleaning product that we use all around the house – one that has probably paid for itself a number of times.
I figured I would update you on the current infomercials that have piqued my interest (I have seen them numerous times, and have desired these products – but have somehow kept away from the telephone):
1. The Magic Bullet – My God, could the designers of the infomercials put together a more delectable advertisement? I feel like calling right now thinking about it. Not only do you get one set of Magic Bullet accessories, but if you order within ten minutes of the infomercial, you get a second set free – just in case you need a set for your vacation home. It looks so easy to make chicken salad, smoothie drinks, and pasta dishes – but I know that if were to purchase this, I would never use it, and would rapidly forget about the recipe ideas. But, man does it look cool. It even has a cool name.
2. The Power Storm Vacuum Cleaner – I just see the visual of the guy pulling a 285-pound refrigerator with the vacuum, which is supposed to display its power (now, I know that he was pulling it on a wood floor and it had wheels, but still). The ease at which he cleans the entire house has me thinking that I need one of those, even though we have a perfectly good vacuum cleaner that we don’t really use now. But, the really enticing part is that he includes a second Power Storm vacuum cleaner which you could give as a present (man, he is really thinking) AND a Power steamer (much like the Scunci) – it’s almost like I feel like an idiot for not calling.
3. The Little Giant Ladder – This one is a little pricey – starting at over $300. But, the infomercial shows how easy it is to put in different positions (much like Paris Hilton) and how you can throw away all your other ladders, because this one fits the bill as an all-in-one ladder. They even have that guy from Tool Time that isn’t named Tim Allen promoting it. If only I could afford it…
Please add any infomercials that you currently like.