Deep Thoughts ...

I promised something funny after the last blog, and here it is. These are some “thoughts” a friend of mine sent me:

1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
16. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool Lane?
17. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
18. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
19. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
20. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

We'll Miss Ya, Richard ...

Sad news to pass along – Richard Jeni, a very funny comedian, one I was very fond of (not in a gay way), passed away over the weekend. According to some reports, it looks as if he committed suicide. I guess sometimes it doesn’t matter how successful one is, because success doesn’t always equate to happiness.

Jeni was very good with observational humor, much like Jerry Seinfeld, but probably with a little harder of an edge. He was one of the best at working a room, and he was able to generate new material rather quickly. He did manage to make it to the silver screen, landing a part in The Mask as Jim Carey’s bank work buddy. He was pretty good in this limited role. Additionally, he’s done a lot of commercial voiceover work in his time. Quite honestly, I’m shocked he never really hit it big with a sit com or a lead role in a movie. Sometimes, those are the breaks, I guess.

The suicide thing connects to me, not because I’ve ever tried to commit suicide, but because my older brother committed suicide. Don’t worry, I’ve learned to deal with it, but it is something I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over. But, I do want to make a sort of a public service announcement to you all.

In case any of you (or people you know) ever contemplate taking your life, just remember this – it’s never the easy way out, even though at times it may seem that way. I have had a difficult time forgiving my brother for what he did, not only to me, but more-so to my parents. The strong foundation that I had growing up was rocked by this, and has never fully been the same. My parents are very strong people … sometimes too strong for their own good. They have been conditioned to internalize many feelings - probably a product of growing up in World War II Germany.

I was used to this … but when their first son took his own life, not even they could hide their emotions. It was one of the most depressing moments of my life … I wasn’t even as depressed that I lost a brother – I was more depressed that my parents lost their son. Even as we approach the 15-year point of this tragic event, my parents have still not fully recovered. They thought, and continue to think, that it is a sign of weakness to go and get professional help in dealing with this. The worst part is that they think it is their fault TO THIS DAY that he ended it.

This is why I have trouble forgiving Albert for what he did. For even though he “took the easy way out,” he ended up taking part of my parents with him, and dumping his problems on the rest of us. During the time I should’ve been mourning, I cursed him. I couldn’t believe that he would do something so selfish, and never consider the consequences. It’s hard for me to put myself in that position, though. I understand from talking with others who have contemplated suicide that it’s not about being selfish, it’s about feeling lonely, and thinking the world would be a better place without their existence.

It took me 5 years to visit his grave. I’ve only gone back a few times since. I was lucky enough to have some great friends to help me through this. At the time, I probably should’ve gone for professional help, but I just didn’t know my options, I guess. My friends became my rock. They helped me through those first few years. I wish my parents could get over this, and I hope that this post at the very least puts things into perspective for any of you who may be feeling overly depressed.

Sorry for the depressing post – I just got off on a tangent with it. I promise I’ll be funnier next post.

California, here I come ...

My wife and I have begun planning our vacation … this year’s destination – San Francisco and the Napa Valley. Here’s the thing – I am not a wine drinker by nature. I am 100% German (both parents are from the “Vaterland”), which means I have a strong taste for beer. My wife LOVES wine, and I’m certainly willing to give anything a chance. Plus, after watching Sideways, it seemed like getting to know wine a little better would be kind of cool.

A few of my friends dig wine as well. A fellow blogger, and good friend, the Rev, has been diving into the wine tasting (and drinking) hobby. I figure if he’s enjoying it, I’m missing out on something.

Becoming a wine aficionado takes lots of time (and lots of money, I’m guessing). Currently if you handed me a glass of Thunderbird and told me it was Dom Perignon, I’d believe you … translation, my pallet is not so advanced when it comes to vino. But, again, I’ll give anything a try, and what better place to go to do this (outside of Europe), than to go to Napa.

If any of you bloggers have any suggestions for me, please pass them along. These can be suggestions on wines that I should give a try (please, keep them on the reasonably priced level), books to read, websites to go to, or any places to visit in Napa. Thanks in advance for the love.

Stoppage Time

Just some random thoughts for the end of the week:

• I’ve had a lot of issues with “Chrome Repot,” as you probably know. Well, now I have another one. Because of a lack of forethought, I had to purchase salt today (it snowed, our sidewalk and driveway were icy). I went to said hardware store to purchase this bag of salt. Ten frickin’ dollars for this bag. I know this is capitalism at its best, and if I was smarter, I would’ve purchase a bag last week when temperatures were in the 60’s. But still, I’m really starting to hate this company.

• This may be a little late, but I had to comment about Anna Nicole’s funeral. Am I the only one who thought that this may have been a little excessive? I mean, not only having a country music singer perform at this event, but to release a bunch of white doves as well? I thought we only lost a bimbo, not a deity. Things like this tend to bug me.
  
• So, apparently Allen Iverson is causing trouble in Denver now – so much so that Carmelo Anthony might get benched. This cat is some kind of team wrecker, isn’t he? Maybe Allen should change his last name to Owens. But, here’s the irony – what if the Sixers somehow happened to back their way into the playoffs, AND Denver tanks and misses the playoffs? I wonder what Iverson’s defense about this would be.
  
• I just switched cable companies (and phone and internet) from Comcast to RCN. I found it humorous how Comcast has been calling me all week trying to make these spectacular offers to get me back. Where the hell were you guys when I was complaining about the high prices a few months ago? Funny how priorities change when you remove their power.
  I got a kick out of reading about how some far-right groups do not want Giuliani to be the Republican choice to run for president in 2008 because he is divorced. I try never to reveal my political affiliation, mainly because I agree/disagree with both sides on issues, and more importantly, I think they are for the most part scum-bags. But, this one killed me. I’m surprised these lunatics haven’t gotten Pat Robertson into the White House yet.
  
• Does every Chevy commercial have to be annoying?

Maybe you should just order the hot dog ..

I went on a guys night out this past weekend with buddies from grade school – kind of amazing how we all still are friends after this many years. Anyway, it is very customary for “the fellas” to pretty much constantly make fun of each other from the second we see each other … People with thinner skin probably would’ve offed themselves long ago, but not us. Again, pretty amazing how we’ve all managed to remain friends for so long.

There was one moment that really stood out as being the funniest/head-scratchingest (is that a word?) event of the night. After hanging out at the Toll House (yes, it’s still open, somehow), we decided to go to a Japanese restaurant, Hibachi. A friend of ours, we’ll call him “Big Red,” ordered the Philadelphia roll. Now, most people would expect that when they order a Philadelphia roll at a Japanese restaurant, that this would be some form of sushi, right (I know, I’m making a leap of faith here)?

When his appetizer came, Big Red was perplexed. This is not at all what he had in mind when he ordered the Philadelphia roll. In fact, when the waitress informed him about the sea-weed wrap, Big Red’s face got so white, local snow-men got jealous. He immediately began unwrapping the sushi, scraping the rice off of the seaweed, and eating the contents of the wrap.

One of us HAD to ask him what he thought he was ordering. He responded that since it was a Philly roll, he had expected the sour cream and salmon to be on an Amoroso (South Philly sub) roll. My question is this – does anybody else make this same “assumption” when ordering a Philly roll or any kind of roll for that matter at a Japanese restaurant? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

De-do-do-do ... de-da-da-da ...

I just found out that a good friend of mine was able to get me tickets to the Police concert taking place in Philly on July 19 – I am thrilled by this because (A) I’ve never had the opportunity to see the Police in concert (I was all of 13 the last time they played together at Live Aid), and (B) I love a good rock concert, and these guys fit that bill nicely … it could quite possibly be the best rock concert of the summer (and that’s saying something with groups like Genesis, and maybe Van Halen planning tours).

However, I do have some concerns. Oh, I guess they aren’t huge concerns, but nevertheless, I thought I’d share them with you. First and foremost, I sincerely hope that they ONLY play Police songs. I really don’t want to hear any of the Sting solo crap that he has “graced” us with over the past 20 years. There was a time when the Police were cutting edge, and the music sounded fresh with a nice fusion of reggae, rock, and maybe even a little R&B.

But when Sting set forth on his solo journey from hell, he shed cutting edge musical dynamo of the Police and jumped into the world of Adult Contemporary boringness (is that even a word?). His catalogue of songs now grace easy listening stations, and he is no longer looked at as a musical pioneer. Sure, there may have been a few tunes that weren’t so bad, but for the most part, he was traveling to the “ancient” rocker burial grounds with the likes of Elton John, Brian Adams, and Rod Stewart.

By the way, this observation is not up for debate – I don’t want to hear from any of you Sting fans who will try to defend him. When he left the Police, he really should’ve change his name. Sting sounds like a manly name, and this by no means carried over to the steaming pile of songs he shat out. He should’ve just gone back to using his real name, Gordon.

Another issue is whether or not the Police can recapture the magic of the Police of the early 1980’s. Sure, they sounded great during the Grammies, when they performed Roxanne. But, can they put together a good 2 hour show? Andy Somers was looking mighty old on stage, standing still much like Billy Wyman.

I have faith, though. The songs themselves should help to carry the band members. For the most part, they seem rejuvenated. And, if they do decide to create some more songs, let’s hope that Sting and the gang can at least put forth a decent effort.

Come and Knock On My Door ...

I’m sure you local Philly people read or heard about this story, but for those of you who haven’t – a principal in an Allentown school district was arrested for dealing crystal-meth (http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/16807399.htm). Now, that would be strange, and just wrong in itself, however, the news about what was discovered when the cops arrested him in his office is laughable, to say the least.

According to news reports, the cops entered his office to arrest him, when they discovered him naked, watching gay porn, with sex toys. Many questions come to mind when reading this story. First, and foremost, how the hell could this guy rise all the way up to principal of a school without anybody noticing his … er …. Um … tendencies? Don’t you think other teachers would’ve or should’ve caught onto this guy long before he got to his place of power?

I remember when I was in high school, and there was a teacher who was the “cool teacher.” I think most people can remember a guy (or gal) teacher they had in school who was the “cool one.” Usually, this teacher had long hair, dressed kind of scraggly, usually had rock and roll posters or pictures hanging in his (or her) room. Yep, he was the guy that most people agreed probably still smoked pot on a regular basis.

Heck, I even had a teacher who used to play the harmonica in the stalls when he was “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.” But, I’m pretty sure that I’ve never had a teacher, or principal for that matter, who ever chose to watch porn naked in his room, whilst also being a drug dealer … I’m pretty sure I would’ve found out some way about this (and hopefully not the “wrong” way, if you know what I mean).

Another question is, what is an adequate penalty for this schmuck? Think about it – he probably was probably a pretty influential figure in the school – or at least I would think someone with his title would be. Was his school zone one of those “drug free school zones,” and if so, will his penalty be substantially higher than a school that isn’t a “drug free school zone?”

Finally, what about his secretary? I’m guessing she was (a) so oblivious and stupid that she probably wasn’t even qualified to bag groceries, or (b) an accomplice to this. I mean, did she take orders for the principal? Who replaces this guy as principal? Does the school board opt for a more hard-line person, or will they try to find somebody that can continue supplying them with the “hook-up?”

Woah, Ogre, That's Heavy...

On Saturday night, prior to playing poker (see Rev’s blog), a few of the “early-birds” and I were sitting at my bar enjoying a beer, when we got into the topic of television shows. We talked at length about Lost, The Office, and Heroes, when something interesting struck me. It had to do with the “more successful” shows on television within the past 5-7 years.

As many of you know, traditionally successful television shows have made their money on syndication (check out Cheers and Seinfeld for this). These shows, although loosely tied from one episode to another, could be shown in syndication in no particular order. These shows didn’t rely on past shows, as they basically put together individual plots or story lines for each episode. These storylines would start and finish in the span of ½ hour (or one hour sometimes). This worked perfectly well for syndication.

However, with the advent of DVDs, this has seemed to change (or at least in my opinion, it has). I think we got the idea with Family Guy. It was canceled by FOX after a few seasons, because it couldn’t get a strong enough core of viewership. However, when the show was offered on DVD, sales went through the roof … so much so that FOX actually brought it back from the graveyard.

OK, sure Family Guy is one of those shows that can be shown in no particular sequence, which makes it perfect for syndication. However, DVD sales were a MAJOR part of the profit margin of this show. In fact, I believe some people at FOX said something along the lines of, “we don’t care how few people actually tune in to watch it, as long as the DVD sales remain strong – we’ll keep it on the air.”

Now, we see all kinds of tv shows being offered on DVD – everything from All in the Family to Lost … which conveniently brings me to my point. The creators of Lost (and the network itself) don’t seem to care so much about syndication, or at least not as much. Instead, DVD sales has become a major “motivation” for producing shows. A show like Lost can’t really work in syndication (or can it – I’m not sure), because the beauty of Lost (and 24, and Heroes) is that each episode builds on top of the last one, and there is no discernable start or finish to a plot line (at least not per episode). I can’t see this translating to syndication on a nightly level … maybe more like a marathon here and there. You certainly can’t put a show like 24 on every night at 7:00 p.m. on the CW network and expect a larger viewership (again, in my opinion), because of the newer view on storylines and plot lines.

So, what happens with syndication? Will we continue to see the same shows like Seinfeld and Friends on syndicated networks even 20 years down the line? Should I not even concern myself with this? Looking back on this post, I probably could’ve written some sort of journal entry for this (or not). I just thought it was interesting, and wanted to share it with you and get your thoughts on this. I’ll return to being funny/stupid in my next post.

Sunday Drivers!

You’ve probably heard that term “Sunday Driver” before, right? You know – the kinds of drivers who drive too slow, sometimes swerve accidentally and repeatedly, basically people who have no business being on the road … these are the people that used to only come out on Sundays, generally for church, groceries, and bingo. Well, I have news for ya – they’re taking over Saturday as well.

I generally don’t get road rage – when driving I’m usually a patient person. Yesterday, my patience was tested … on numerous occasions. First, as I’m driving down Mac Dade Boulevard, a lady passes the intersection, then decides she wants to make the turn anyway, of course all the while not even thinking to pay attention to oncoming traffic – and as luck would have it, oncoming traffic was me. I was able to apply the brakes with enough pressure as to swerve and miss this ignorant goofball, and the best part was that she continued to be oblivious to the whole situation. She should be thankful that I wasn’t one of Andy Reid’s sons.

Then, while in the parking lot of a shopping center, it seemed as if every driver decided that they HAD TO BACK INTO THE PARKING SPACES! I hate these people with a passion, and generally, I’ll try to find them in the stores after they park in order to give them a dirty look (hey, it makes me feel better, dammit!). Anyway, I know this may be a touchy subject, because some of you might actually be “back parkers.” Yes, I know that it does ultimately save YOU time when leaving a shopping center, you probably didn’t realize that this also wastes a tremendous amount of time for everybody else who is trying to park (and shop).

There were numerous other incidents with people in the left lane not putting on their turn signals, and me having to wait behind them because I didn’t realize they were going to turn … I even flicked one of the turn-signally-challenged drivers the bird (something I normally never do). If there was a way to either build roads exclusively for Sunday drivers (so they didn’t have to get in our way), or if we could just take their licenses away entirely, I’d be cool with that.

Top That!

A friend of mine recently put together a list of the top 50 rock and roll albums of all-time. His list included a Coldplay album, and an Alanis Morrisette, but curiously no Oasis and no Nirvana. Predictably, I had serious problems with his list. We got into an argument about this. I informed him that the disagreement was about syntax – if he just would’ve said “My top 50 Favorite Albums), all would be fine. However, he challenged me to put together my top 50 list. Currently, I have no time to do this, but I will put together a list of 10 albums that I absolutely love. In no way, am saying these are the best of all time – I know that I can’t make such a grandiose statement like this. But, I do hope that you will share your thoughts and list some albums you enjoy. I promise not to be too critical. Note – I will not be including greatest hits – that is for a different blog altogether:

1. Rolling Stones, Some Girls – In my opinion, this is the perfect album. It has rock, folk, country, and disco masterfully put together in such a way, that the entire album can easily (and enjoyably) be listened to from start to finish. This was a comeback of sorts for the Stones in 1978 after a string of lackluster albums (although I still love Black and Blue, Goats Head Soup, and It’s Only Rock and Roll).

2. The Who – Who’s Next – Many people think that Tommy or Quadrophenia are better albums, and although they are certainly more artistic, they can’t compete with the lineup of songs on this classic. Plus, the cover art is pretty funny.

3. The Killers – Hot Fuss – Just a great first release from this group with massive potential (the second album, Sam’s Town, is pretty good as well). A nice mix of disco and rock, with some fantastically strange lyrics (Somebody told me, you had a boyfriend who looked like the girlfriend I had in February).

4. Platinum Blonde – Standing in the Dark – Sure, call me gay, but I think this album is just incredible. Most, if not all, of you probably don’t even know this group, and chances are it’ll be tough to find anything from these guys on I-Tunes. This was their first release, and their sound is very similar to Duran Duran at this point, but they seem to have more powerful drums and more defining guitar-work. Still, they manage to keep the songs poppy and catchy (except, for some reason, the door never opened for them in the U.S.).

5. Electric Six – Fire – I keep telling myself that these guys are gonna be big someday soon. Maybe it’s better that they are not. This cd should be a party cd in every college dorm room – just some great disco, funk, heavy metal, and arena rock melding. If the song Danger, High Voltage doesn’t make your feet tap, you might want to start making funeral arrangements.

6. The Afghan Whigs – 1965 – This band was well-established by the time they released this gem in the late 1990’s. The schizophrenic writing and singing of Greg Dulli is chilling, yet comforting in a weird way. The soul-influenced sound, combined with distorted guitar play and vocals makes this band unique. An amazing mix of tunes that could be played at a heavy metal bar or at a séance.

7. Rolling Stones – Voodoo Lounge – Yes, I’m putting two albums from the Stones on this list … it’s MY list, dammit! And this strong release is probably the best Stones effort in at least a decade. The diversity displayed in this album is remarkable (Charlie Watts actually played drums on a trashcan in one of the songs). Quite possibly, my favorite Stones song ever hails from this 1994 release – Sparks Will Fly.

8. Urge Overkill – Exit the Dragon – This was the last official release of this volatile band, and this one followed the hugely popular Saturation album. Just a more complete album in my opinion, although airplay was nonexistent. I seem to like the albums that have a rock and disco mix for some reason (might also be the reason why I like fruity drinks).

9. The Capes – Hello – This album has a “power-poppy” feel to it, but each song seems to stick in my head for days. A fun album all around.

10. OKGO – Oh No – Probably the best purchase I’ve made in recent years. A very grooving style rock album with a lead singer with a catchy voice – he sounds like a mix between Lenny Kravitz and Anthony Keidis. Not a bad song on the disc.

I've Still Got It!!!

Much like Ralph Malph on Happy Days, I still got it! That’s right ladies and gentlemen – I was able to make a lady cry on Saturday (no, I didn’t drop my pants, you jerks). This happened at the Toll House Tavern – the night in which this legendary neighborhood bar was supposed to close (the sale fell through, and the bartender is thinking of buying the place – keep your fingers crossed!).

One of the drunk female patrons informed me that she was the biggest Rolling Stones fans in the world … if you know anything about me, you know not to challenge me on something like this. I know I’m not the biggest Stones fan, but I know that I’m definitely one of the biggest. I give props to the peeps who prove to me that they are bigger fans than me (and not by weight).

This lady’s basic reasoning was that since she went to the 1972 Stones concert, that she had to be the biggest fan. I notified her that this was a rather foolish reason for somebody to give for being the biggest Stones fan. This comment made her rather angry towards me, so I gave her a chance to redeem herself, but asking rather simple questions (at least I thought they were simple) – for instance, I asked her to name a song (any song) off of the Goat’s Head Soup album (this is rather simple, if you are even a moderate Stones fan). She mumbled something about a song called “History.” To my knowledge, the Stones never recorded a song called “History,” and if they did, it certainly wasn’t on that album. I proceeded to (a) inform her of her error), and (b) list ALL of the songs IN ORDER off of that album. This made her mention that she saw the Stones in concert in 1972 again … AND that she had kissed Mick Jagger. Of course I believed this about as much as Michael Jackson believes he’s not addicted to children.

Later on in the evening, she stumbled to our section of the bar, and asked me which album that Sympathy for the Devil is on – of course, I knew the answer – Beggar’s Banquet (simple). She slurred that it was on Hot Rocks … which is a greatest hits album (I told her that this was cheating). She got pissed and stumbled out of the bar – her friend called me an a$$hole … to which I responded, “My God, you are the first person in the entire world to ever call me an a$$hole!” Good times all around! I heard that the one lady was crying in the parking lot … I feel bad about this, but I really wasn’t rude to her, I think she was upset that I was right.

On a side note – a relative of mine wanted me to promote this site (it’s about poop) – you can submit a question (keep it relatively clean): http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/special_packages/inquirer_qa/qa_forum.htm

I'm Gettin' Too Old For This...

Remember when you were a kid, adolescent, or teen, and things that seemed cool to you didn’t seem cool to older people? You know, like earrings for guys, acid washed jeans, sneakers costing over $60? It scares me to think that I have become part of the “older people.” I present to you some reasons why:

* I have gotten to the point where I absolutely hate mainstream pop music and hip-hop. There was a time when I didn’t mind it, and actually liked some of the music. Those times seem long ago for me.

* Instead of looking for jam-packed clubs with loud thumping music and sweaty people grinding, I choose to look for local bars with empty parking lots (which of course equals available seating at the bar).

* I can’t figure out why country music is so popular. I get upset with people who play country songs in jukeboxes in bars I frequent. I get even more upset when I see people that know these songs around the bar.

* NASCAR – I never got it before – back when nobody above the Mason Dixon line watched it, but I get it even less, now that just about everyone seems to be watching it. I have trouble figuring out how people can watch cars going around in circles for 2-3 hours. Don’t waste your breath trying to explain it.

* I’ve lost touch with video games. There was a time when I loved and played tons of video games. Now, I look at the simplicity of the Nintendo Wii and think to myself, “this is the system for me, because it’s not complicated like those other ones.” Ah, bring back the times of the one-button joystick.

* American Idol – watching it, reading about it, listening to people talk about it all the time – these things all make me angry. I am intolerant of these conversations.

* Hearing that songs by the Police and early U2 are now referred to as classic rock. I remember when this stuff was cutting edge alternative.

* The whole Red Bull and vodka craze – never figured this out. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had these drinks before, but I’ve never needed them to keep me awake whilst drinking. Don’t know the deal about this – is our culture that lazy that we need to be kept awake while drinking?

* Sports rivalries don’t seem like such a big deal to me anymore. When I was a kid growing up, Sixers vs. Celtics was a big thing. Now, I could care less. The only rivalries that seem to stick are Eagles vs. Giants, or Eagles vs. Cowboys.

* I went to Interboro, and I grew up hating Ridley High School and anything and everything associated with it. Now, I live in the Ridley School District, and don’t mind the people anymore. In fact, I rooted for Ridley to win the State title this past year. Times, they are a-changin’.

* I love stand-up comedians, but I can’t understand the fascination everybody seems to have with Dane Cook. Sure, he’s kind of funny, but he isn’t rock-star funny. He isn’t what Eddie Murphy was in the 80’s, what Richard Pryor was in the 70’s, or what Bill Hicks was in the early 90’s. His comedy is nowhere near this level. Yet, now he’s appearing in movies, he’s got huge comedy specials and series on HBO, and he’s banging hot celebs. I’m scratchin’ my head with this.

* Grills (or grillz)? I can’t figure this out. Is this what guys wearing earrings was in the 80’s?
Kids shoes (and adult shoes) with the little rollers in them. I want to clothes-line every kid I see putzing around the mall or supermarkets with these.

I’m sure I have more, but I wanna see what you think. Am I no longer fit to be in the mainstream? Has it passed me by?

What to Do???

Can baseball season get here sooner? Since the Eagles were knocked out of the playoffs a few weeks ago, TV watching has become difficult. The Sixers are bad, the Flyers are worse, and college basketball really doesn’t become interesting for another month. Two nights ago, I found myself watching a show on “Canada’s Roswell” on the History Channel … yep, that’s slim pickens.

I refuse to watch any and all reality shows, which reduces my choices dramatically. That being said, I have a list of shows that I absolutely love (in no particular order):

The Office – Some people like it … others don’t get it. I absolutely love it. The entire cast is brilliant, and you can pick out your coworkers in the over-the-top stereotypical ones they showcase. Fantastically written, and very creative in my opinion … and one of the few shows that can make me laugh so hard that I fart.

My Name is Earl – Cute little red-neck style comedy with a nice little happy-ending in each episode (no, not that kind of happy ending you perverted jerks). The Randy character is possibly the best supporting character of any current comedy in my opinion (although Schrute comes in a close second).

Heroes – The storylines are a little over the top, but still a very cool concept. Some of the acting could be better, but that might be what makes this show work in a weird way. It is a good drama that has nothing in common with those crime solving shoes that are almost as abundant as reality shows. Refreshing in a way.

24 – Jack Bauer rules! He is the best ass-kicking good-guy since Kojak. Sometimes it’s hard to believe all of that stuff happens in a 24-hour period, especially considering they never seem to show any of these people going to the bathroom, eating, or drinking for that matter.

Lost – Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. The scheduling of the show is awful. We had to wait 2 months for the season to continue for crying out loud. But, it is very well written, the acting is great, and the symbolism used in the show allows hard-core fans to try and dig deeper (I’m not one of them, but I’ll read articles that others come up with).

Arrested Development – I refuse to believe this show was canceled. Yet, King of Queens is still on, AND 2 ½ Men is apparently the most watched comedy on television. Somebody is doing some awful things to the wate.

*** I don’t watch any of the HBO shows, because I’m still having trouble believing HBO should be doing more than showing movies and boxing matches. I hear the shows are great, but I can’t get past it (much like I can’t get over paying for radio). ***

SNOW!!!!

The first big snowstorm of the season is hitting the Philadelphia area, and as with the first one of every season, it always reminds me of my childhood, and how I always hoped and prayed for a major snowstorm during the week so that school would be closed. I remember waking up early in the morning, peeking out the window, anticipating a white landscape of the powdery stuff.

If I saw a decent amount of snow, I would immediately turn on KYW-1060 – our local AM station that would report the school closing numbers religiously. I would sit at the kitchen table, slowly eating my Frosted Flakes, listening to every number pass by, hoping, much like a Bingo contestant, that my school number would be called. The numbers would rattle by, getting closer and closer to that magical number 4-5-0. I can still hear Harry Donahue recite these at an amazing clip.

The sheer disappointment of hearing him skip over our school number would make me miserable for the entire day. “How could they not cancel classes today, there has to be at least 4 inches of snow on the ground,” I would quietly whisper to myself. I would take the Superintendent’s decision personally – like he deliberately wanted to ruin our fun. I remember hoping his car would spin off the road – that’ll show him!

But, on those magical days when our number did come up, instead of going back to sleep (like I would do now), I was full of so much elation, excitement, and all other good feelings, that I couldn’t wait to get outside and play in the winter-wonderland. Usually, I was outside by about 7:30 a.m., playing snow hockey with some neighborhood buddies. Then, we would probably either have a snowball fight or build snow forts. But what day would be complete without going sledding? Our hill of choice was always Monument Hill – it was within walking distance, and had a pretty nice slope. Plus, we usually would meet up with other classmates were just as eager to make the most of this special day.

If we had enough people, sometimes we’d get a football game together … provided that somebody actually brought a football with them. I don’t think we ever made it back home before dinner time. We had endless energy, and we were determined to use it all up before darkness could intervene. Then, I would go home, eat dinner, take a warm shower, and hope against hope that our number would be called again tomorrow.

Ah, to be young again.

Topical Chat, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours!

1. On a new car horn that allows you to play any audio file:
“I think I would do a train horn with mine – most car horns these days are really too feminine in my opinion.”
http://www.uberreview.com/2007/02/horntones-customize-your-honk.htm/

2. On U.S. Federal officials contemplating "punitive action" against a Boston Red Sox pitcher for endorsing a brand of beer in Japan and, in a television commercial, actually taking a sip of said beer – which is a violation of U.S. alcohol regulations:
“Someday, I hope these holy rollers figure out that they are the cause of many more problems than solutions.”
http://reason.com/blog/show/118674.html

3. On a study that found that that people (spouses) do the opposite of what's being nagged about:
“Now, if we can only get this information to our wives … and, more importantly, get them to read it and accept it.”
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2007-02/du-nsy021307.php

4. On a study that found that the death of Anna Nicole Smith consumed 50 % of all cable news air time last week:
“Can’t wait to see the percentage when Michael Jackson dies.”
http://www.journalism.org/node/4096

5. On Charlie Weis suing malpractice in obesity surgery gone awry:
“The doctors actually found a way to expand his stomach.”
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/02/13/weis.malpractice.ap/index.html

6. On the US trade deficit reaching a record high of 763.6 billion dollars in 2006:
“Are we going to celebrate the 1 trillion mark more than the Barry Bonds home run mark?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070213/pl_afp/useconomytrade_070213162046;_ylt=Anz4aJ3JzMNTeAmpDy1.tdTMWM0F

7. On Hindus declaring war on Valentine's Day because "it is against Indian culture and pollutes young minds:"
“Just wondering, are ALL religions going ape-shit now?”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/6358405.stm

8. On the National Federation of the Blind saying that hybrid cars could endanger blind people's lives because they are too quiet:
“Just wondering, but are all special interest groups going ape-shit now?”
http://wjz.com/local/local_story_039173947.html

Snow!!!!

The first big snowstorm of the season is hitting the Philadelphia area, and as with the first one of every season, it always reminds me of my childhood, and how I always hoped and prayed for a major snowstorm during the week so that school would be closed. I remember waking up early in the morning, peeking out the window, anticipating a white landscape of the powdery stuff.

If I saw a decent amount of snow, I would immediately turn on KYW-1060 – our local AM station that would report the school closing numbers religiously. I would sit at the kitchen table, slowly eating my Frosted Flakes, listening to every number pass by, hoping, much like a Bingo contestant, that my school number would be called. The numbers would rattle by, getting closer and closer to that magical number 4-5-0. I can still hear Harry Donahue recite these at an amazing clip.

The sheer disappointment of hearing him skip over our school number would make me miserable for the entire day. “How could they not cancel classes today, there has to be at least 4 inches of snow on the ground,” I would quietly whisper to myself. I would take the Superintendent’s decision personally – like he deliberately wanted to ruin our fun. I remember hoping his car would spin off the road – that’ll show him!

But, on those magical days when our number did come up, instead of going back to sleep (like I would do now), I was full of so much elation, excitement, and all other good feelings, that I couldn’t wait to get outside and play in the winter-wonderland. Usually, I was outside by about 7:30 a.m., playing snow hockey with some neighborhood buddies. Then, we would probably either have a snowball fight or build snow forts. But what day would be complete without going sledding? Our hill of choice was always Monument Hill – it was within walking distance, and had a pretty nice slope. Plus, we usually would meet up with other classmates were just as eager to make the most of this special day.

If we had enough people, sometimes we’d get a football game together … provided that somebody actually brought a football with them. I don’t think we ever made it back home before dinner time. We had endless energy, and we were determined to use it all up before darkness could intervene. Then, I would go home, eat dinner, take a warm shower, and hope against hope that our number would be called again tomorrow.

Ah, to be young again.

DId Ya Hear?

News Flash, ladies and gentleman. It’s Sunday, and Anna Nicole is still dead. I don’t want to sound insensitive here, but why are we covering this like somebody who discovered the cure for world hunger has just passed away? Seriously, did she deserve this much attention?

Now I have nothing against Anna Nicole, other than that god-awful show that the E Channel put out on her … oh, that and her voice – one could tell she was on TV by opening the window and hearing the collective howls of dogs everywhere. O.K., I admit that I enjoyed her Playboy pictures in the past (probably on more than one occasion, if you get what I mean). But besides that, I’m still having trouble figuring out what all the hubbub is all about – but I thought I’d put together a list of plusses and minuses.

Plusses –
1. Her cans … really, that’s all I can think of with her … and her cans weren’t even real … I heard that there are a ton of scars on ‘em, and that may end up making it a minus.
2. Her appearance in the Naked Gun – just because that movie was so darn funny.

Minuses –
1. Her voice – Personally, I’d rather hear somebody with a “bad disposition” repeatedly scratch a chalk-board.
2. Her Figure – Oprah Winfrey thinks that she had trouble maintaining a stable weight.
3. Her uncommon ditziness – Tori Spelling, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and the gang are jealous.
4. The fact that she’s a mother – I don’t want to make any false judgements, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that being a son or daughter of hers is probably not the healthiest thing in the world. Just because I like to look at positives, this death may be the her daughter's best chance at a normal life.

5. Her Trim Spa Commercials – If anything, these made me hate Trim Spa … but, what is this company gonna do now?
6. The immense media attention she got in life – I’m still scratching my head on this one. She added nothing to anything, but people still just HAD to watch her.
7. Her “marriage” to that old guy with a lot of money – Not only was she a ditz, but she was a conniving ditz who knew how to use her “ass-ets.” She repulsed me after this.
8. That movie she was in, back in the mid 1990’s – This made Ishtar look like Gone With the Wind times 10.

There are many more minuses that I could’ve come up with, but I figure you got the idea. Of course, the “news journalists” love this, because the stories practically write themselves. The problem is, much like any other “tragedies,” this will supersaturate media outlets for weeks (and probably months) to come.

Seriously, what other “interesting” and deep facts can we find out about this bimbo? Does it warrant hundreds of hours of reports? I think not. Of course, I’m the guy that doesn’t get the national fascination surrounding American Idol, so my finger isn’t really on the pulse of the nation. Let me once again say that I don’t wish death on anybody (except Barry Bonds), and I’m certainly not reveling in her tragic death, but isn’t there more important stuff to report on?

Snickers Satisfies?

So, the Snickers commercial during the Super Bowl with the two auto-mechanics accidentally kissing, and proving that they are indeed men and not gay by ripping out clumps of chest hair has been pulled by the company. The reason – apparently some gay activist groups complained that this ad displayed homosexuals in a bad light.

I got news for you, ladies. The truth is that your complaints about these commercials have put you in a bad light. Seriously, do you really think that this commercial made us think of you less? When I watched it, I thought it was downright funny, never once thinking to myself, “Those pillow-biters are probably really embarrassed by this one.” Nope, I took the commercial at face value. If anything, the complaints have altered my thoughts about whether or not homosexuals even have a sense of humor.

Secondly, by complaining about this, and making this a rather large news story, gay rights activists have successfully helped Snickers get TONS of free advertising. Way to go, dolls. Your nagging has brought more light to this commercial, and now you have many more people eagerly looking this commercial up on the internet, because of your dim-witted protests. I’m not so sure that the company that makes Snickers wasn’t in on this, paying these brainless groups to complain so that they COULD get more bang for their bucks.

Obviously, these short-sighted organizations didn’t pay much attention to that whole Cartoon-Network “fiasco” that occurred last week in Boston, and how much publicity their controversial little tactic received. When you lodge idiotic complaints like this, you seriously hamper everyone’s ability to take you seriously … hopefully, someday you’ll realize this.

Tag, I'm It.

I’ve been tagged, ugh!!!! Don’t worry, I’m not tagging anyone else, because I’m good like that.

6 Strange Things About Me

6. I LOVE pro wrestling … actually, I used to love it – I’m kind of bored with it now, but in recent months, I’ve bought such DVD’s as “The Rise and Fall of the AWA,” and the Roddy Piper DVD, to go with a ton of other wrestling related DVDs … and yes, I’m married, ladies.

5. I HATE ham … and I’m German, which is really weird. I also am not a big fan of most potato products, with the exception of potato chips and shoestring French fries. With this knowledge, I have to believe that I was adopted … or that I’m retarded in German.

4. I am a surprisingly big fan of romantic comedies … not all of them, but a lot of them. Chances are that I’ll get sucked into any rom-com featuring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (except for Joe vs. the Volcano). But, I HATE Pretty Woman for some reason.

3. Mark Rypien, former NFL quarterback, asked if he could be on my deck hockey team … swear to God! I was a PR intern with the Eagles at the time, and the Birds had just signed him as a backup qb. Well, I was instructed to meet and greet Mark Rypien and keep him company prior to the press conference. He was messing around with a hockey stick that we were getting ready to auction off (Eagles Youth Partnership carnival), and I asked him if he liked hockey. He said if he wasn’t a football player and if he was a little faster, he would’ve loved to have been a hockey player. I mentioned to him that I played on a deck hockey team, and his ears perked up. He asked if there was any room left on the team … which I of course said …. HELL YEAH!!! He said that he had to talk to Ray Rhodes (coach of the team) to see if he was allowed to play. He came up to me a few days later with his head down and said the coach wouldn’t let him play … weird story.

2. I once took a piss next to Michael Buffer (Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!!!!!!).

1. I once saw John Tesh in concert … and yes, I’m still married.

Cut That Meat!!!!

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday, probably the biggest sporting event of the year in the States. It doesn’t have as rich of a history as baseball’s World Series, the trophy isn’t really as cool as the Stanley Cup, and quite truthfully, the sport’s all-star game is probably the worst of the big 4. But still, in a relatively short amount of time, the NFL has been able to put together one of the greatest sporting, drinking, and gambling (not to mention advertising) events this world has ever seen.

The first Super Bowl I remember watching was the last Super Bowl of the Steelers’ dynasty. They played Vince Feragamo and the Los Angeles Rams (yes, folks, there was a football team in LA at one time … two, actually). I remember being in awe of the magnitude of the game, and excited for each successive play. I have to say that I was not rooting for the Steelers that day, mainly because I thought the Rams had cooler helmets (at the time, this is how I decided who I liked).

Unfortunately, the Rams won, which basically triggered my “bad luck” in picking the team that I thought (or hoped) would win the Super Bowl. The following year, it was my Eagles that were forced to take a butt-kicking, the following year, the Bengals took it up the arse (yes, I rooted for the team with the “interesting” new helmets). And so it went – a few times, I was lucky enough to pick the right team, like when the Raiders whalloped the Redskins in the early 80’s. But, more often than not, I picked the loser. Yep, I rooted for all of John Elway’s disappointing Broncos teams, and I was really hoping that Marv Levy’s Bills would find a way to knock off one of those teams in that traumatic 4-year run.

So, who am I rooting for this year? Get ready to call your bookies – I’m going with the Colts. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the Bears – in fact, with the exception of that ass-clown Tank Johnson, the Bears are a team that one could easily like. But, I REALLY want Tony Dungy to win one – I think he has been through enough heart-aches in his coaching career (and his life in general), that he deserves this. Plus, I’ve always liked Peyton Manning’s game (consequently, I HATE Eli Manning after what he did to the Bolts). Your money is probably safe with the Bears because of this … you probably don’t even need the points.