Woah, Ogre, That's Heavy...

On Saturday night, prior to playing poker (see Rev’s blog), a few of the “early-birds” and I were sitting at my bar enjoying a beer, when we got into the topic of television shows. We talked at length about Lost, The Office, and Heroes, when something interesting struck me. It had to do with the “more successful” shows on television within the past 5-7 years.

As many of you know, traditionally successful television shows have made their money on syndication (check out Cheers and Seinfeld for this). These shows, although loosely tied from one episode to another, could be shown in syndication in no particular order. These shows didn’t rely on past shows, as they basically put together individual plots or story lines for each episode. These storylines would start and finish in the span of ½ hour (or one hour sometimes). This worked perfectly well for syndication.

However, with the advent of DVDs, this has seemed to change (or at least in my opinion, it has). I think we got the idea with Family Guy. It was canceled by FOX after a few seasons, because it couldn’t get a strong enough core of viewership. However, when the show was offered on DVD, sales went through the roof … so much so that FOX actually brought it back from the graveyard.

OK, sure Family Guy is one of those shows that can be shown in no particular sequence, which makes it perfect for syndication. However, DVD sales were a MAJOR part of the profit margin of this show. In fact, I believe some people at FOX said something along the lines of, “we don’t care how few people actually tune in to watch it, as long as the DVD sales remain strong – we’ll keep it on the air.”

Now, we see all kinds of tv shows being offered on DVD – everything from All in the Family to Lost … which conveniently brings me to my point. The creators of Lost (and the network itself) don’t seem to care so much about syndication, or at least not as much. Instead, DVD sales has become a major “motivation” for producing shows. A show like Lost can’t really work in syndication (or can it – I’m not sure), because the beauty of Lost (and 24, and Heroes) is that each episode builds on top of the last one, and there is no discernable start or finish to a plot line (at least not per episode). I can’t see this translating to syndication on a nightly level … maybe more like a marathon here and there. You certainly can’t put a show like 24 on every night at 7:00 p.m. on the CW network and expect a larger viewership (again, in my opinion), because of the newer view on storylines and plot lines.

So, what happens with syndication? Will we continue to see the same shows like Seinfeld and Friends on syndicated networks even 20 years down the line? Should I not even concern myself with this? Looking back on this post, I probably could’ve written some sort of journal entry for this (or not). I just thought it was interesting, and wanted to share it with you and get your thoughts on this. I’ll return to being funny/stupid in my next post.

Sunday Drivers!

You’ve probably heard that term “Sunday Driver” before, right? You know – the kinds of drivers who drive too slow, sometimes swerve accidentally and repeatedly, basically people who have no business being on the road … these are the people that used to only come out on Sundays, generally for church, groceries, and bingo. Well, I have news for ya – they’re taking over Saturday as well.

I generally don’t get road rage – when driving I’m usually a patient person. Yesterday, my patience was tested … on numerous occasions. First, as I’m driving down Mac Dade Boulevard, a lady passes the intersection, then decides she wants to make the turn anyway, of course all the while not even thinking to pay attention to oncoming traffic – and as luck would have it, oncoming traffic was me. I was able to apply the brakes with enough pressure as to swerve and miss this ignorant goofball, and the best part was that she continued to be oblivious to the whole situation. She should be thankful that I wasn’t one of Andy Reid’s sons.

Then, while in the parking lot of a shopping center, it seemed as if every driver decided that they HAD TO BACK INTO THE PARKING SPACES! I hate these people with a passion, and generally, I’ll try to find them in the stores after they park in order to give them a dirty look (hey, it makes me feel better, dammit!). Anyway, I know this may be a touchy subject, because some of you might actually be “back parkers.” Yes, I know that it does ultimately save YOU time when leaving a shopping center, you probably didn’t realize that this also wastes a tremendous amount of time for everybody else who is trying to park (and shop).

There were numerous other incidents with people in the left lane not putting on their turn signals, and me having to wait behind them because I didn’t realize they were going to turn … I even flicked one of the turn-signally-challenged drivers the bird (something I normally never do). If there was a way to either build roads exclusively for Sunday drivers (so they didn’t have to get in our way), or if we could just take their licenses away entirely, I’d be cool with that.

Top That!

A friend of mine recently put together a list of the top 50 rock and roll albums of all-time. His list included a Coldplay album, and an Alanis Morrisette, but curiously no Oasis and no Nirvana. Predictably, I had serious problems with his list. We got into an argument about this. I informed him that the disagreement was about syntax – if he just would’ve said “My top 50 Favorite Albums), all would be fine. However, he challenged me to put together my top 50 list. Currently, I have no time to do this, but I will put together a list of 10 albums that I absolutely love. In no way, am saying these are the best of all time – I know that I can’t make such a grandiose statement like this. But, I do hope that you will share your thoughts and list some albums you enjoy. I promise not to be too critical. Note – I will not be including greatest hits – that is for a different blog altogether:

1. Rolling Stones, Some Girls – In my opinion, this is the perfect album. It has rock, folk, country, and disco masterfully put together in such a way, that the entire album can easily (and enjoyably) be listened to from start to finish. This was a comeback of sorts for the Stones in 1978 after a string of lackluster albums (although I still love Black and Blue, Goats Head Soup, and It’s Only Rock and Roll).

2. The Who – Who’s Next – Many people think that Tommy or Quadrophenia are better albums, and although they are certainly more artistic, they can’t compete with the lineup of songs on this classic. Plus, the cover art is pretty funny.

3. The Killers – Hot Fuss – Just a great first release from this group with massive potential (the second album, Sam’s Town, is pretty good as well). A nice mix of disco and rock, with some fantastically strange lyrics (Somebody told me, you had a boyfriend who looked like the girlfriend I had in February).

4. Platinum Blonde – Standing in the Dark – Sure, call me gay, but I think this album is just incredible. Most, if not all, of you probably don’t even know this group, and chances are it’ll be tough to find anything from these guys on I-Tunes. This was their first release, and their sound is very similar to Duran Duran at this point, but they seem to have more powerful drums and more defining guitar-work. Still, they manage to keep the songs poppy and catchy (except, for some reason, the door never opened for them in the U.S.).

5. Electric Six – Fire – I keep telling myself that these guys are gonna be big someday soon. Maybe it’s better that they are not. This cd should be a party cd in every college dorm room – just some great disco, funk, heavy metal, and arena rock melding. If the song Danger, High Voltage doesn’t make your feet tap, you might want to start making funeral arrangements.

6. The Afghan Whigs – 1965 – This band was well-established by the time they released this gem in the late 1990’s. The schizophrenic writing and singing of Greg Dulli is chilling, yet comforting in a weird way. The soul-influenced sound, combined with distorted guitar play and vocals makes this band unique. An amazing mix of tunes that could be played at a heavy metal bar or at a séance.

7. Rolling Stones – Voodoo Lounge – Yes, I’m putting two albums from the Stones on this list … it’s MY list, dammit! And this strong release is probably the best Stones effort in at least a decade. The diversity displayed in this album is remarkable (Charlie Watts actually played drums on a trashcan in one of the songs). Quite possibly, my favorite Stones song ever hails from this 1994 release – Sparks Will Fly.

8. Urge Overkill – Exit the Dragon – This was the last official release of this volatile band, and this one followed the hugely popular Saturation album. Just a more complete album in my opinion, although airplay was nonexistent. I seem to like the albums that have a rock and disco mix for some reason (might also be the reason why I like fruity drinks).

9. The Capes – Hello – This album has a “power-poppy” feel to it, but each song seems to stick in my head for days. A fun album all around.

10. OKGO – Oh No – Probably the best purchase I’ve made in recent years. A very grooving style rock album with a lead singer with a catchy voice – he sounds like a mix between Lenny Kravitz and Anthony Keidis. Not a bad song on the disc.

I've Still Got It!!!

Much like Ralph Malph on Happy Days, I still got it! That’s right ladies and gentlemen – I was able to make a lady cry on Saturday (no, I didn’t drop my pants, you jerks). This happened at the Toll House Tavern – the night in which this legendary neighborhood bar was supposed to close (the sale fell through, and the bartender is thinking of buying the place – keep your fingers crossed!).

One of the drunk female patrons informed me that she was the biggest Rolling Stones fans in the world … if you know anything about me, you know not to challenge me on something like this. I know I’m not the biggest Stones fan, but I know that I’m definitely one of the biggest. I give props to the peeps who prove to me that they are bigger fans than me (and not by weight).

This lady’s basic reasoning was that since she went to the 1972 Stones concert, that she had to be the biggest fan. I notified her that this was a rather foolish reason for somebody to give for being the biggest Stones fan. This comment made her rather angry towards me, so I gave her a chance to redeem herself, but asking rather simple questions (at least I thought they were simple) – for instance, I asked her to name a song (any song) off of the Goat’s Head Soup album (this is rather simple, if you are even a moderate Stones fan). She mumbled something about a song called “History.” To my knowledge, the Stones never recorded a song called “History,” and if they did, it certainly wasn’t on that album. I proceeded to (a) inform her of her error), and (b) list ALL of the songs IN ORDER off of that album. This made her mention that she saw the Stones in concert in 1972 again … AND that she had kissed Mick Jagger. Of course I believed this about as much as Michael Jackson believes he’s not addicted to children.

Later on in the evening, she stumbled to our section of the bar, and asked me which album that Sympathy for the Devil is on – of course, I knew the answer – Beggar’s Banquet (simple). She slurred that it was on Hot Rocks … which is a greatest hits album (I told her that this was cheating). She got pissed and stumbled out of the bar – her friend called me an a$$hole … to which I responded, “My God, you are the first person in the entire world to ever call me an a$$hole!” Good times all around! I heard that the one lady was crying in the parking lot … I feel bad about this, but I really wasn’t rude to her, I think she was upset that I was right.

On a side note – a relative of mine wanted me to promote this site (it’s about poop) – you can submit a question (keep it relatively clean): http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/special_packages/inquirer_qa/qa_forum.htm

I'm Gettin' Too Old For This...

Remember when you were a kid, adolescent, or teen, and things that seemed cool to you didn’t seem cool to older people? You know, like earrings for guys, acid washed jeans, sneakers costing over $60? It scares me to think that I have become part of the “older people.” I present to you some reasons why:

* I have gotten to the point where I absolutely hate mainstream pop music and hip-hop. There was a time when I didn’t mind it, and actually liked some of the music. Those times seem long ago for me.

* Instead of looking for jam-packed clubs with loud thumping music and sweaty people grinding, I choose to look for local bars with empty parking lots (which of course equals available seating at the bar).

* I can’t figure out why country music is so popular. I get upset with people who play country songs in jukeboxes in bars I frequent. I get even more upset when I see people that know these songs around the bar.

* NASCAR – I never got it before – back when nobody above the Mason Dixon line watched it, but I get it even less, now that just about everyone seems to be watching it. I have trouble figuring out how people can watch cars going around in circles for 2-3 hours. Don’t waste your breath trying to explain it.

* I’ve lost touch with video games. There was a time when I loved and played tons of video games. Now, I look at the simplicity of the Nintendo Wii and think to myself, “this is the system for me, because it’s not complicated like those other ones.” Ah, bring back the times of the one-button joystick.

* American Idol – watching it, reading about it, listening to people talk about it all the time – these things all make me angry. I am intolerant of these conversations.

* Hearing that songs by the Police and early U2 are now referred to as classic rock. I remember when this stuff was cutting edge alternative.

* The whole Red Bull and vodka craze – never figured this out. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had these drinks before, but I’ve never needed them to keep me awake whilst drinking. Don’t know the deal about this – is our culture that lazy that we need to be kept awake while drinking?

* Sports rivalries don’t seem like such a big deal to me anymore. When I was a kid growing up, Sixers vs. Celtics was a big thing. Now, I could care less. The only rivalries that seem to stick are Eagles vs. Giants, or Eagles vs. Cowboys.

* I went to Interboro, and I grew up hating Ridley High School and anything and everything associated with it. Now, I live in the Ridley School District, and don’t mind the people anymore. In fact, I rooted for Ridley to win the State title this past year. Times, they are a-changin’.

* I love stand-up comedians, but I can’t understand the fascination everybody seems to have with Dane Cook. Sure, he’s kind of funny, but he isn’t rock-star funny. He isn’t what Eddie Murphy was in the 80’s, what Richard Pryor was in the 70’s, or what Bill Hicks was in the early 90’s. His comedy is nowhere near this level. Yet, now he’s appearing in movies, he’s got huge comedy specials and series on HBO, and he’s banging hot celebs. I’m scratchin’ my head with this.

* Grills (or grillz)? I can’t figure this out. Is this what guys wearing earrings was in the 80’s?
Kids shoes (and adult shoes) with the little rollers in them. I want to clothes-line every kid I see putzing around the mall or supermarkets with these.

I’m sure I have more, but I wanna see what you think. Am I no longer fit to be in the mainstream? Has it passed me by?

What to Do???

Can baseball season get here sooner? Since the Eagles were knocked out of the playoffs a few weeks ago, TV watching has become difficult. The Sixers are bad, the Flyers are worse, and college basketball really doesn’t become interesting for another month. Two nights ago, I found myself watching a show on “Canada’s Roswell” on the History Channel … yep, that’s slim pickens.

I refuse to watch any and all reality shows, which reduces my choices dramatically. That being said, I have a list of shows that I absolutely love (in no particular order):

The Office – Some people like it … others don’t get it. I absolutely love it. The entire cast is brilliant, and you can pick out your coworkers in the over-the-top stereotypical ones they showcase. Fantastically written, and very creative in my opinion … and one of the few shows that can make me laugh so hard that I fart.

My Name is Earl – Cute little red-neck style comedy with a nice little happy-ending in each episode (no, not that kind of happy ending you perverted jerks). The Randy character is possibly the best supporting character of any current comedy in my opinion (although Schrute comes in a close second).

Heroes – The storylines are a little over the top, but still a very cool concept. Some of the acting could be better, but that might be what makes this show work in a weird way. It is a good drama that has nothing in common with those crime solving shoes that are almost as abundant as reality shows. Refreshing in a way.

24 – Jack Bauer rules! He is the best ass-kicking good-guy since Kojak. Sometimes it’s hard to believe all of that stuff happens in a 24-hour period, especially considering they never seem to show any of these people going to the bathroom, eating, or drinking for that matter.

Lost – Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. The scheduling of the show is awful. We had to wait 2 months for the season to continue for crying out loud. But, it is very well written, the acting is great, and the symbolism used in the show allows hard-core fans to try and dig deeper (I’m not one of them, but I’ll read articles that others come up with).

Arrested Development – I refuse to believe this show was canceled. Yet, King of Queens is still on, AND 2 ½ Men is apparently the most watched comedy on television. Somebody is doing some awful things to the wate.

*** I don’t watch any of the HBO shows, because I’m still having trouble believing HBO should be doing more than showing movies and boxing matches. I hear the shows are great, but I can’t get past it (much like I can’t get over paying for radio). ***

SNOW!!!!

The first big snowstorm of the season is hitting the Philadelphia area, and as with the first one of every season, it always reminds me of my childhood, and how I always hoped and prayed for a major snowstorm during the week so that school would be closed. I remember waking up early in the morning, peeking out the window, anticipating a white landscape of the powdery stuff.

If I saw a decent amount of snow, I would immediately turn on KYW-1060 – our local AM station that would report the school closing numbers religiously. I would sit at the kitchen table, slowly eating my Frosted Flakes, listening to every number pass by, hoping, much like a Bingo contestant, that my school number would be called. The numbers would rattle by, getting closer and closer to that magical number 4-5-0. I can still hear Harry Donahue recite these at an amazing clip.

The sheer disappointment of hearing him skip over our school number would make me miserable for the entire day. “How could they not cancel classes today, there has to be at least 4 inches of snow on the ground,” I would quietly whisper to myself. I would take the Superintendent’s decision personally – like he deliberately wanted to ruin our fun. I remember hoping his car would spin off the road – that’ll show him!

But, on those magical days when our number did come up, instead of going back to sleep (like I would do now), I was full of so much elation, excitement, and all other good feelings, that I couldn’t wait to get outside and play in the winter-wonderland. Usually, I was outside by about 7:30 a.m., playing snow hockey with some neighborhood buddies. Then, we would probably either have a snowball fight or build snow forts. But what day would be complete without going sledding? Our hill of choice was always Monument Hill – it was within walking distance, and had a pretty nice slope. Plus, we usually would meet up with other classmates were just as eager to make the most of this special day.

If we had enough people, sometimes we’d get a football game together … provided that somebody actually brought a football with them. I don’t think we ever made it back home before dinner time. We had endless energy, and we were determined to use it all up before darkness could intervene. Then, I would go home, eat dinner, take a warm shower, and hope against hope that our number would be called again tomorrow.

Ah, to be young again.

Topical Chat, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours!

1. On a new car horn that allows you to play any audio file:
“I think I would do a train horn with mine – most car horns these days are really too feminine in my opinion.”
http://www.uberreview.com/2007/02/horntones-customize-your-honk.htm/

2. On U.S. Federal officials contemplating "punitive action" against a Boston Red Sox pitcher for endorsing a brand of beer in Japan and, in a television commercial, actually taking a sip of said beer – which is a violation of U.S. alcohol regulations:
“Someday, I hope these holy rollers figure out that they are the cause of many more problems than solutions.”
http://reason.com/blog/show/118674.html

3. On a study that found that that people (spouses) do the opposite of what's being nagged about:
“Now, if we can only get this information to our wives … and, more importantly, get them to read it and accept it.”
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2007-02/du-nsy021307.php

4. On a study that found that the death of Anna Nicole Smith consumed 50 % of all cable news air time last week:
“Can’t wait to see the percentage when Michael Jackson dies.”
http://www.journalism.org/node/4096

5. On Charlie Weis suing malpractice in obesity surgery gone awry:
“The doctors actually found a way to expand his stomach.”
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/02/13/weis.malpractice.ap/index.html

6. On the US trade deficit reaching a record high of 763.6 billion dollars in 2006:
“Are we going to celebrate the 1 trillion mark more than the Barry Bonds home run mark?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070213/pl_afp/useconomytrade_070213162046;_ylt=Anz4aJ3JzMNTeAmpDy1.tdTMWM0F

7. On Hindus declaring war on Valentine's Day because "it is against Indian culture and pollutes young minds:"
“Just wondering, are ALL religions going ape-shit now?”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/6358405.stm

8. On the National Federation of the Blind saying that hybrid cars could endanger blind people's lives because they are too quiet:
“Just wondering, but are all special interest groups going ape-shit now?”
http://wjz.com/local/local_story_039173947.html

Snow!!!!

The first big snowstorm of the season is hitting the Philadelphia area, and as with the first one of every season, it always reminds me of my childhood, and how I always hoped and prayed for a major snowstorm during the week so that school would be closed. I remember waking up early in the morning, peeking out the window, anticipating a white landscape of the powdery stuff.

If I saw a decent amount of snow, I would immediately turn on KYW-1060 – our local AM station that would report the school closing numbers religiously. I would sit at the kitchen table, slowly eating my Frosted Flakes, listening to every number pass by, hoping, much like a Bingo contestant, that my school number would be called. The numbers would rattle by, getting closer and closer to that magical number 4-5-0. I can still hear Harry Donahue recite these at an amazing clip.

The sheer disappointment of hearing him skip over our school number would make me miserable for the entire day. “How could they not cancel classes today, there has to be at least 4 inches of snow on the ground,” I would quietly whisper to myself. I would take the Superintendent’s decision personally – like he deliberately wanted to ruin our fun. I remember hoping his car would spin off the road – that’ll show him!

But, on those magical days when our number did come up, instead of going back to sleep (like I would do now), I was full of so much elation, excitement, and all other good feelings, that I couldn’t wait to get outside and play in the winter-wonderland. Usually, I was outside by about 7:30 a.m., playing snow hockey with some neighborhood buddies. Then, we would probably either have a snowball fight or build snow forts. But what day would be complete without going sledding? Our hill of choice was always Monument Hill – it was within walking distance, and had a pretty nice slope. Plus, we usually would meet up with other classmates were just as eager to make the most of this special day.

If we had enough people, sometimes we’d get a football game together … provided that somebody actually brought a football with them. I don’t think we ever made it back home before dinner time. We had endless energy, and we were determined to use it all up before darkness could intervene. Then, I would go home, eat dinner, take a warm shower, and hope against hope that our number would be called again tomorrow.

Ah, to be young again.

DId Ya Hear?

News Flash, ladies and gentleman. It’s Sunday, and Anna Nicole is still dead. I don’t want to sound insensitive here, but why are we covering this like somebody who discovered the cure for world hunger has just passed away? Seriously, did she deserve this much attention?

Now I have nothing against Anna Nicole, other than that god-awful show that the E Channel put out on her … oh, that and her voice – one could tell she was on TV by opening the window and hearing the collective howls of dogs everywhere. O.K., I admit that I enjoyed her Playboy pictures in the past (probably on more than one occasion, if you get what I mean). But besides that, I’m still having trouble figuring out what all the hubbub is all about – but I thought I’d put together a list of plusses and minuses.

Plusses –
1. Her cans … really, that’s all I can think of with her … and her cans weren’t even real … I heard that there are a ton of scars on ‘em, and that may end up making it a minus.
2. Her appearance in the Naked Gun – just because that movie was so darn funny.

Minuses –
1. Her voice – Personally, I’d rather hear somebody with a “bad disposition” repeatedly scratch a chalk-board.
2. Her Figure – Oprah Winfrey thinks that she had trouble maintaining a stable weight.
3. Her uncommon ditziness – Tori Spelling, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and the gang are jealous.
4. The fact that she’s a mother – I don’t want to make any false judgements, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that being a son or daughter of hers is probably not the healthiest thing in the world. Just because I like to look at positives, this death may be the her daughter's best chance at a normal life.

5. Her Trim Spa Commercials – If anything, these made me hate Trim Spa … but, what is this company gonna do now?
6. The immense media attention she got in life – I’m still scratching my head on this one. She added nothing to anything, but people still just HAD to watch her.
7. Her “marriage” to that old guy with a lot of money – Not only was she a ditz, but she was a conniving ditz who knew how to use her “ass-ets.” She repulsed me after this.
8. That movie she was in, back in the mid 1990’s – This made Ishtar look like Gone With the Wind times 10.

There are many more minuses that I could’ve come up with, but I figure you got the idea. Of course, the “news journalists” love this, because the stories practically write themselves. The problem is, much like any other “tragedies,” this will supersaturate media outlets for weeks (and probably months) to come.

Seriously, what other “interesting” and deep facts can we find out about this bimbo? Does it warrant hundreds of hours of reports? I think not. Of course, I’m the guy that doesn’t get the national fascination surrounding American Idol, so my finger isn’t really on the pulse of the nation. Let me once again say that I don’t wish death on anybody (except Barry Bonds), and I’m certainly not reveling in her tragic death, but isn’t there more important stuff to report on?

Snickers Satisfies?

So, the Snickers commercial during the Super Bowl with the two auto-mechanics accidentally kissing, and proving that they are indeed men and not gay by ripping out clumps of chest hair has been pulled by the company. The reason – apparently some gay activist groups complained that this ad displayed homosexuals in a bad light.

I got news for you, ladies. The truth is that your complaints about these commercials have put you in a bad light. Seriously, do you really think that this commercial made us think of you less? When I watched it, I thought it was downright funny, never once thinking to myself, “Those pillow-biters are probably really embarrassed by this one.” Nope, I took the commercial at face value. If anything, the complaints have altered my thoughts about whether or not homosexuals even have a sense of humor.

Secondly, by complaining about this, and making this a rather large news story, gay rights activists have successfully helped Snickers get TONS of free advertising. Way to go, dolls. Your nagging has brought more light to this commercial, and now you have many more people eagerly looking this commercial up on the internet, because of your dim-witted protests. I’m not so sure that the company that makes Snickers wasn’t in on this, paying these brainless groups to complain so that they COULD get more bang for their bucks.

Obviously, these short-sighted organizations didn’t pay much attention to that whole Cartoon-Network “fiasco” that occurred last week in Boston, and how much publicity their controversial little tactic received. When you lodge idiotic complaints like this, you seriously hamper everyone’s ability to take you seriously … hopefully, someday you’ll realize this.

Tag, I'm It.

I’ve been tagged, ugh!!!! Don’t worry, I’m not tagging anyone else, because I’m good like that.

6 Strange Things About Me

6. I LOVE pro wrestling … actually, I used to love it – I’m kind of bored with it now, but in recent months, I’ve bought such DVD’s as “The Rise and Fall of the AWA,” and the Roddy Piper DVD, to go with a ton of other wrestling related DVDs … and yes, I’m married, ladies.

5. I HATE ham … and I’m German, which is really weird. I also am not a big fan of most potato products, with the exception of potato chips and shoestring French fries. With this knowledge, I have to believe that I was adopted … or that I’m retarded in German.

4. I am a surprisingly big fan of romantic comedies … not all of them, but a lot of them. Chances are that I’ll get sucked into any rom-com featuring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (except for Joe vs. the Volcano). But, I HATE Pretty Woman for some reason.

3. Mark Rypien, former NFL quarterback, asked if he could be on my deck hockey team … swear to God! I was a PR intern with the Eagles at the time, and the Birds had just signed him as a backup qb. Well, I was instructed to meet and greet Mark Rypien and keep him company prior to the press conference. He was messing around with a hockey stick that we were getting ready to auction off (Eagles Youth Partnership carnival), and I asked him if he liked hockey. He said if he wasn’t a football player and if he was a little faster, he would’ve loved to have been a hockey player. I mentioned to him that I played on a deck hockey team, and his ears perked up. He asked if there was any room left on the team … which I of course said …. HELL YEAH!!! He said that he had to talk to Ray Rhodes (coach of the team) to see if he was allowed to play. He came up to me a few days later with his head down and said the coach wouldn’t let him play … weird story.

2. I once took a piss next to Michael Buffer (Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!!!!!!).

1. I once saw John Tesh in concert … and yes, I’m still married.

Cut That Meat!!!!

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday, probably the biggest sporting event of the year in the States. It doesn’t have as rich of a history as baseball’s World Series, the trophy isn’t really as cool as the Stanley Cup, and quite truthfully, the sport’s all-star game is probably the worst of the big 4. But still, in a relatively short amount of time, the NFL has been able to put together one of the greatest sporting, drinking, and gambling (not to mention advertising) events this world has ever seen.

The first Super Bowl I remember watching was the last Super Bowl of the Steelers’ dynasty. They played Vince Feragamo and the Los Angeles Rams (yes, folks, there was a football team in LA at one time … two, actually). I remember being in awe of the magnitude of the game, and excited for each successive play. I have to say that I was not rooting for the Steelers that day, mainly because I thought the Rams had cooler helmets (at the time, this is how I decided who I liked).

Unfortunately, the Rams won, which basically triggered my “bad luck” in picking the team that I thought (or hoped) would win the Super Bowl. The following year, it was my Eagles that were forced to take a butt-kicking, the following year, the Bengals took it up the arse (yes, I rooted for the team with the “interesting” new helmets). And so it went – a few times, I was lucky enough to pick the right team, like when the Raiders whalloped the Redskins in the early 80’s. But, more often than not, I picked the loser. Yep, I rooted for all of John Elway’s disappointing Broncos teams, and I was really hoping that Marv Levy’s Bills would find a way to knock off one of those teams in that traumatic 4-year run.

So, who am I rooting for this year? Get ready to call your bookies – I’m going with the Colts. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the Bears – in fact, with the exception of that ass-clown Tank Johnson, the Bears are a team that one could easily like. But, I REALLY want Tony Dungy to win one – I think he has been through enough heart-aches in his coaching career (and his life in general), that he deserves this. Plus, I’ve always liked Peyton Manning’s game (consequently, I HATE Eli Manning after what he did to the Bolts). Your money is probably safe with the Bears because of this … you probably don’t even need the points.

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Life as I know it is about to change … no, my wife’s not pregnant or anything like that … it’s much worse … In a sense, a close family member of mine is about to pass away … no, not literally, but kind of. You see, my very first watering hole, the Toll House Tavern, is apparently up for sale. Sure, it’s not like I go there a lot anymore, but the Toll House is like that Penthouse magazine from the late 1980’s that you have hidden somewhere in your house … you don’t necessarily partake in “reading” it anymore, but you gain some comfort in knowing that it is there for you to fall back on … in case you get the urge to “read” about the “overgrowth of wilderness.”

The Toll House was like my “Cheers.” I knew the bartenders, knew many of the patrons, and was sort of considered a regular there. Back in the day (1994), one could purchase a 50-cent draught of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which meant if I walked in with $10, I’d probably be stumbling home with a few bucks to spare.

It was a place were many of my friends and I gathered, ordered pitchers of beer, wings, pepperoni sticks, and played some god-awful juke-box music - which is one of the constants of this bar, the music never changed – but that’s not the point (or, is it?). It was like home for many of us. I knew that if I went down there on a Friday night, I would see familiar faces, be able to talk sports, politics, sex, music, or just make fun of the guy who sat in the corner and looked like Captain Kangaroo.

As the years passed, a lot of my friends “outgrew” the Toll House, started their own families, and maybe occasionally made a guest appearance there. Heck, when I haven’t been there nearly enough since I moved. Sure, other groups of “kids” went there and hung out, but it wasn’t the same as when our big group of friends “owned” that bar.

Just for my amusement (and the amusement of some of you who experienced the Toll House), here is a random list of things I’ll miss about the bar:

1. It was only about a 5-minute walk from my parents’ house … and about a 10-minute stumble.
2. The guy with the “lobster hands” that would come in and never notice us making fun of him.
3. The guy who said the word “dude” over 100 times in less than 5 minutes (yes, we counted).
4. Playing Golden Tee in the corner, while Ray-Ray would “acquire” pretzel sticks from the bar.
5. Going back to the Toll House after playing football every year after Thanksgiving
6. One time, my friend Ray-Ray and I played Megatouch for 8-straight hours there.
7. Going to the Toll House on Christmas night with a bunch of friends and buying each other the nastiest shots we could think of.
8. Listening to Jimmy the bartender try and sing the Police classic, “Doo-Doo-Doo, Dee-Doo-Doo-Dah.”
9. Having a few “conquests” with a few of the ladies that hung out there.
10. Making the “love call from the stall” phone calls – my friends coined that one.
11. Winning two deck hockey championships with the Toll House sponsoring us.
12. Never having to worry about getting a ride home from there if I was too drunk.
13. Spending hours a night there with a variety of friends talking about life and about girls (and never getting anywhere doing it).
14. Sitting in the corner of the bar with a big group of friends, and seeing a tall object walking into the place … and eventually realizing it was a college buddy of mine from Baltimore who knew exactly where to find me.
15. Never having to worry about the place being too crowded.

Incidentally, the sales price was around $640,000 … and yes, I gave some thought to the idea of being my own Sam Malone … how cool would that be?

As an aside, I think we should all get together at the Toll House one more time, like the old days … I think she deserves that much.

Some Things Never Change ...

You know, just when I think I’ve beaten the “clumsy” illness, I do something to remind me that I still have it. This morning, I put in a new smoke detector/carbon monoxide detector. To my surprise, I did it rather flawlessly – took me maybe 10 minutes, tops. Sure, it was a small victory, but a victory nevertheless … Unfortunately, the feeling didn’t last.

Just a few minutes later, I was in the bathroom (or as my mom often puts it, “in the toilet”), when I bent over to pick something up. As I came up, I smacked my skull on the cabinet above the toilet. The pain wasn’t so bad, I’ve done things like this so much in my life, that I’ve created some sort of numbness to incidents like this. A few minutes later, I sensed “moisture” in the area of my skull that was impacted by the corner of the cabinet … yup, somehow, I managed to bleed. There is good news to this - I now have a sense of what I would look like as a red-head.

But, back to the smoke detector installation – I did so well on this, that I’m decided to attempt and fix my front screen door today. As you may recall, I e-mailed “Chrome Repot” about this a few weeks ago. They did get back to me, and basically said that since I’ve had the door for over a year, there’s nothing they can do to help me … and although that really sucks (I’m not buying from those bastards ever again), it gave me an “opportunity.” So, I assessed the situation, and decided that I probably needed a new door closer (yeah, I didn’t know what it was called either until I went to Lowe’s). I installed it and … well … the door works a little better … but it’s not totally fixed … but hey, 1 ½ out of 2 ain’t so bad, right?

Other than that, the rest of the weekend was pretty cool – we hung out at Durty Nelly’s, a local watering hole, on Friday night. Saturday, we got lights for the hall-ways from Lowe’s (F-U Chrome Depot), and Saturday night, we planned to go to the new horse-track/casino near us in Chester, conveniently called Harrah’s Chester Downs … of course, we didn’t take into account that this was the first real weekend this place was open, and that about 20,000 other people had the same idea we had (they have 2700 machines). We were in traffic for about 45 minutes, before we decided against going. We ended up at a very cool New Orleans style restaurant near our house, called “Nora Lee’s.” We had some wine, some good food, and I probably ended up saving about $200 that I would’ve lost at Harrah’s (somebody upstairs was probably telling me it wasn’t a good idea to go - hint taken).

The FREEk LIBRARY of PHILADELPHIA

My friend Slant, penned this beauty a little while ago – I came across it recently, and almost busted a rib … he is quite a writer. Enjoy:

BIBLIOPHILE: NOUN: 1. A lover of books. 2. A collector of books

Part 1 of the above definition aptly describes me. I love to read. I love the sight, the scent, the simple tactile thrill of holding a book; this combination creates an atmosphere that allows me to experience an almost transcendental peace-of-mind.

Therefore, with eager steps I strode toward the Free Library of Philadelphia's main branch to find a relatively quiet spot and finish my current book. Settling into a table seat (one of the library's tables that find themselves bisected by two rows of shelves) in an area rated for 80 decibel and under body noises, I achieved relative seclusion.

SMELLY: ADJECTIVE: Informal Having a noticeable, usually unpleasant or offensive odor.

As much as I love the library, the air is rather still and, at times, stifling. So, imagine my surprise when I caught a whiff of Polo or Chanel's new "Hobeaux" fragrance. Trying to decide whether to seek another seat or urinate on myself to cover the stench, I stood to pinpoint the intoxicated source of that intoxicating aroma.

Let us examine the candidates:

Candidate #1:

gender - indeterminate as the subject was baggily dressed in… bags.

age - indeterminate since the subject was asleep with his/her head inside a tattered backpack.

purpose of visit - possibly to test the relative acoustics of said backpack when snoring through nose, mouth and (of this I am most certain) ears. No reading material in sight.

Conclusion: Noisy as the person was their body odor, regretfully, did not compare.


Candidate #2:

gender - male.

age - late 50's.

purpose of visit - as with candidate #1, this subject did not seem to be at the library to read (again, no reading material in sight). Candidate #2 seemed to be running lines for a gay porno. Slouched in seat he - in a rich baritone - exhaled various moans, groans, lip-smacks, unintelligible utterances, each sound punctuated with its own violent grope of a different part of the body.

Conclusion: Such an accomplished thespian could not be the mobile shit/piss fragrance factory, so I dismissed him.



That was it. Just those two. So, after spending another few moments of life I will never have back, I realized that the smell had gently slid away, much like candidate #1's pants.

I sat back down and resumed reading. The book is an account of the rise of America's first acknowledged serial killer, Dr. H.H. Holmes. The author is a gifted storyteller and I, holding true to the first definition, was deeply engrossed.

LUNATIC: NOUN: A person regarded as strange, eccentric, or crazy enough to argue with subway seats: crackpot, crazy. Informal: crank, loon, loony. Slang: cuckoo, dingbat, batshit, kook, nut-job, screwball, weirdo, shit-assed crazy fuck-nut

You, the reader of my tale, will not then be shocked in hearing how delighted I was that my reverie was blissfully interrupted by Mr. Vomitous Pissonmyself.

I am not sure what I first noticed: the peristaltic reflex of my throat (an involuntary response as a precursor to vomiting) caused by a sudden reappearance of the stench, or by 2003's Mr. Fucking Nuttiest Nose-Picking Moron of Philadelphia's whispering "hello" to me.

Great.

I remained seated, neither moving an inch (for obvious reasons) nor breathing (for more obvious reasons). I do not understand how I, after all of these years, never appreciated how much reading for pleasure was enhanced by some poster child for abortion whispering "hello" and picking his nose. Truly, one of life's greater pleasures.

After about 3.4 more seconds of this, I decamped from the Mental Health section (seriously) and left Philly's Crazy/Noisy/God-Awful Smell Orchestra to find another seat.

I found myself in periodicals. Seemingly quieter than any other room and not too crowded it was, in fact, peopled with sober-looking individuals reading The Wall Street Journal, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Washington Post, etc. Finding a seat across from a professorial middle-aged gentleman I eagerly transported myself back to 1893 Chicago.

CREEPY: ADJECTIVE: Informal 1. Of or producing a sensation of uneasiness orfear, like the freak sitting across from you staring at you and playing with a stopwatch: a creepy feeling; a creepy story. 2. Annoyingly unpleasant; repulsive: like the same freak who is now smiling at the table, the blank area of table.

Anthropologists and neuroscientists alike suspect that it is something evolution left behind - like the coccyx bone or the appendix - from a time when humans were not the apex predator. I refer to a basic, yet intangible human ability to sense danger. Or, in my case, that some other freak is now near and staring at you.

So involved in my reading, I did not notice the professorial gentleman had left only to have his seat occupied by one of nature's practical jokes.

Lifting my eyes from the book, I began to appraise the table space in front of me. A space that had, not too long ago, been stacked with a week's worth of major newspapers and now held…

a set of hands and a stopwatch.

This should be interesting.

There was a stopwatch, held by a pudgy, white, almost delicate hand. The hand was attached to an arm equally delicate in appearance. The arm disappeared into a stark-white t-shirt. The t-shirt was clad about a small-torsoed man. Atop this slight torso was one of the biggest goddamn heads I have ever seen on something that did not have a trunk and shit on clowns.

Framing one of Jupiter's moons was a mane of gray hair, hair that would be the result of Don King and Buckwheat having children who snorted Rogaine. The face 'neath the hair was blotchy, puffy and sweating, its eyes shifting between me and the stopwatch. Neither interested in seeking another seat (to find, I am sure, someone ever crazier) nor brave enough to ask what he was doing, I returned to the book.

After a few minutes of silence I assumed the King of the Freak Troll Dolls would not be bothering me (he did not smell) and I settled comfortably into a rhythm.

Using the ESP I am sure he developed inside his two-car garage head, he must have sensed my complacency and began to count. Not a normal count, no. But a series that went something like this:

"1…yes. 2…yes. 3…yes, yes. (long pause) 4…yes" and so on.

Not really wanting to, but really needing to see what was going on, I looked up…

He was shifting his eyes between his stopwatch and me.

"5…yes. 6…yes. 7…yes."

Not interested to see if it was bomb he had in his head and this was his countdown, I left.

Next time I want to do some serious reading, I will just check into the closest insane asylum because none of their inmates are there.

Later.

Stoppage Time

1. Now that Parcells has “retired” from the Dallas Cowboys, how many people are left that are still defending T.O. (besides that moron, Michael Irvin)? Who could possibly handle this guy as a head coach at this point? More importantly, who will Jerry Jones bring in to “feed” T.O.?

2. Rumor has it that G.W. is going to urge cuts in gas usage in the U.S. … if congress was still Republican, would he be “urging” this? Just wonderin’.

3. Two of my college roommates and I are planning an extended weekend in a most unusual place … Cleveland. I think we are going to take in a baseball game, visit the Rock and Roll museum … and that’s about all one can do in Cleveland, right?

4. How dare NBC run Heroes the same time as FOX runs 24. Can’t these networks get together and make sure not to run good shows at the same time (I mean seriously, there are enough bad shows on tv that this shouldn’t be a problem). Thank goodness for DVR.

5. Not to give plugs on items, but you must get a ROKU, if you do not have one yet. Basically, it is like a bridge between your computer and stereo, in which you can play all of your I-Tunes radio stations, MP3’s, and Live365 radio stations. With the state of music on terrestrial radio, this is a great alternative to satellite radio (and cheaper, as well). If interested, go to www.rokulabs.com.

6. The Flyers suck this year, and so do the Sixers … I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t wait for baseball season.

7. The Oscars are happening tonight … and I have no interest … mainly because I have no interest in seeing most of the movies that win awards.

Barker's Billions???

Something’s been bothering me for quite some time, kind of boiling up inside of me like volcanic magma … o.k., maybe not that powerful, but still … The issue at hand involves one of my all-time favorite game shows – The Price is Right. And, no I’m not trying to start a grass-roots plan to get the original Barker’s Beauties back on the show (sorry, Diane).

This particular concern reaches to the very core of the show. Now, mind you, my intentions by bringing this matter up are not meant to bring this addictive show to its knees, but it’s just something I needed to get off of my chest. I think I’ve dragged this on long enough, so here it is …

Why are there commercials on The Price is Right? Isn’t the entire show made up of advertisements for products ranging from chewing gum to cars? Do we really need to cut to commercials from commercials? I’m interested in learning how much this show asks for companies to sponsor their products ON the show. It’s like they are double dipping, isn’t it?

From a marketing point of view, the person or people who created The Price is Right were far ahead of his or their time. Seriously, these guys are making ad-money hand over fist. They are so successful, they NFL seems to mimicking this show, by sticking as many ads in the program as possible (of course, that’s a topic for another blog-rant).

Now that Bob Barker is leaving, The Price is Right has a tremendous opportunity to add even more ads to the show … like, why not make the next “host” a talking sports car (kind of like K.I.T. from Knight Rider). Certainly, Ford, GM, or Chrysler would pay big bucks to involve a car of their own for this, wouldn’t they?

I’m sue the folks at The Price is Right have already considered that … I’m guessing it’s too early to have talking cars as hosts of game shows … of course, maybe I’m just not forward-thinking enough. Perhaps a talking vacuum cleaner … we could call the ladies “Hoover’s Suckers.”

Wok-a, Wok-a, Woka!!!!

So, for one reason or another, I’ve been really enjoying Chinese food lately … so much so that I’m interested enough in trying my hand at creating some Chinese dishes (and no, I’m not going to go “authentic” and use cats and rats). Last week, I bought a Chinese cookbook (in English, not in Chinese – I don’t know how to speak the language), and decided to try my luck at cooking some Kung Pao Chicken. After purchasing several of the ingredients at a local grocery store, I went to work.

It turned out o.k., I guess, but I know I can do better (no, using chicken instead of cats did not change the taste). I didn’t have a wok, and that, in my opinion was an issue – we used a regular pan – and from what I read, can change the flavor of Chinese food (enough with the cats, already!).

So, on Tuesday, I decided to go out and buy a wok … and what better place to purchase one, than at Walmart (strike 1). I confess, I don’t know enough about woks to make an intelligent purchasing decision, and I’m far too lazy to read up on them (any help here from you, the reader, would be appreciated). I ended up buying one for only $15 – the only one they had (strike 2).

Here’s the thing. I didn’t realize that with some woks (maybe all, again, I’m not sure), you have to boil off the protective coating, and then, you must “season” the wok. My initial thought was that I would need to cook some herbs and spices in the wok in order to season it (ignorant American), but I found out that seasoning means heating the wok up and “lathering” it in cooking oil.

It sounded easy enough, and to an extent, it was easy enough. BUT, the wok needed to be heated for 10 minutes … and then cooled, and then repeated 3 or 4 more times. About 7 minutes in, the oil was burning and smoke filled the house. My wife was not happy. She claimed the entire house smelled like a diner the rest of the night (not sure what the problem with that is).

The thing is, I now don’t want to repeat the “seasoning” 3 or 4 more times, and I fear I have bought an inferior wok. I’m thinking about going out to purchase a non-stick wok – one I don’t need to season. Again, any help here would be great (I sure do ask a lot of you guys and gals, don’t I?).

What a "Pane"

Have you ever had a disappointing experience buying something from somewhere (geez, Los, can you be more vague?)? Yeah, me too. About 3.5 years ago, we bought new doors and windows from one of those “big box” home improvement stores – I won’t give the name away, BUT it rhymes with Chrome Repot. We decided that not only were we going to purchase the doors and windows through them, but we would also go through them with regards to contracting a local handyman to install said doors and windows.

For the most part, the windows are fine – I did notice that one of the basement windows was insufficiently caulked, or at least not caulked with a lot of precision. The doors are another story altogether. I did have the “opportunity” to meet the door installer dude when he was installing the doors, and he seemed like a nice-enough guy – it looked like he took great care in framing our doors and installing them.

BUT, the doors themselves (specifically, the front door) seem to be about as enduring as Fred Taylor’s hamstrings. We’ve had nothing but problems with the door – one of the window springs broke immediately – which kind of sucks, I guess, but we didn’t do anything about it when it happened (because we are lazy and passive, I guess). However, in recent months, the door wasn’t closing properly, and now it won’t close at all, unless we really slam it shut (it looks as if one of the hinges may be bending or something).

Anyway, I’m just writing this to vent, and forewarn all of you if you are thinking about going through a big-box store to do something similar. Spend the extra money – it’ll be worth it. As an aside, I just e-mailed the company to complain – I’ll see if I get any satisfaction from them … but I’m not holding my breath.