Sleep Apnea For Fun and Profit

Snoring is an intriguing phenomenon in that apparently, it can actually kill. I snore a little bit, and that’s probably only because I’m a little overweight. I never used to snore when I was younger, but apparently (according to my wife) I’ve picked up the habit a little.

Now, I’m not nearly as bad as some people. My dad is a heavy snorer. When staying at that house, it is best to fall asleep quickly, because his haunting snores can be heard throughout the entire dwelling. Unfortunately for my dad, his snores are not very rhythmic. Rhythmic snoring isn’t so bad, because others can get used to it and use it as a tool to fall asleep. However, my father’s snores sound eerily similar to the sound of a crow that is cawing through a megaphone next to your ear … yeah, not a good sound. Additionally, it gets louder, quieter, more mucous-filled – cats in heat are even afraid to get anywhere near that house.

My dad has never sought treatment for this – I’m not even sure there is treatment. Obviously, since he’s never gone to a doctor about it, he’s never had any diagnosis. The fear is that it could be sleep apnea – which apparently could be dangerous. Here is the definition I found from Dictionary.com:
Sleep Apnea - A temporary suspension of breathing occurring repeatedly during sleep that often affects overweight people or those having an obstruction in the breathing tract, an abnormally small throat opening, or a neurological disorder.

My father is closing in on his mid-70’s, so obviously, it really hasn’t affected him. My mom, on the other hand, has probably lost a lot of sleep in her life because of it. In fact, after my younger brother was born, they slept in separate rooms because she couldn’t get used to the constant snores anymore.

I have a few friends who have been tested for sleep apnea, and I hear that the testing is vigorous and very uncomfortable. Doesn’t one need comfort in order to sleep? It’s 2001 – I would think that science would’ve developed a better means to test for apnea than the current way, which involves taping wires all over the head area, and wearing some sort of mask. This makes being stuck in an elevator with Gene Shallot seem like a picnic.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. I don’t have sleep apnea (as far as I know), but I remember going to New Orleans with a friend who had sleep apnea so bad, that it probably would’ve been easier for me to sleep on an airport runway than in the same bedroom as him. A few of the things I contemplated doing included sleeping in the bathtub, going out at night and sleeping during the day (or the exact opposite of what he was doing), and even suffocating him came to mind (it’s amazing what will go through your head when you are sleep deprived).

I guess my point is – if you are sleeping over at my house, and you have sleep apnea, you better either make sure I have taken sleeping pills OR you should sleep in the basement.