Movie Duds

I am so behind with all of these summer blockbusters that are out. I’m at a loss as to which movie(s) to go and see. There are so many out right now that are piquing my interest (yes, I had to use a spell checker on that word). I haven’t even seen Superman, and I am dying to see Talladega Nights. You know, there was a time, not all that long ago, when I used to go to the movies all the time. I would easily go to the movies 15-20 times a summer … of course, that was back when it didn’t cost $10 to see a movie. When one sees that many movies, one will find great movies, and one will find absolutely terrible movies. With that said, here is a list of the five worst movies I had the “pleasure” of seeing in the movie theatre:

5. Toys – This movie came out around the time when Robin Williams was red-hot. He had just starred in such critically acclaimed movies as Awakenings, Cadillac Man, The Fisher King, and Hook (yes, it wasn’t awesome, but I’m pretty sure Disney made a ton on that one). Surely, Toys would deliver the goods, I thought. After all, it was a movie about a huge toy company, and Robin Williams played the owner’s son – how could this one possibly miss? I remember reading the reviews the day it came out, and to say that they were negative would be kind. I decided that the critics had their heads up their asses, and went to see it anyway. Sadly, the critics were dead-on. I’m not sure how many times I yawned or looked at my watch during this train-wreck (actually, it would’ve been at least exciting to watch a train wreck, this one was more like a long-winded sermon at church that nearly two hours). The story was hokey at best, and the actors were either miscast or simply mailed in their “performances.” The most annoying character was Joan Cusack’s character – this was the one we all were supposed to laugh with and relate to, but as the movie went on, I was hoping she would be tragically killed by a flaming 600-pound teddy-bear.

4. Joe vs. the Volcano – Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? Sign me up! Sure, these two wouldn’t truly hit it big together until a few years later with Sleepless in Seattle, but this had to be a good start, right? Not even close. This was the first movie I ever walked out on. I had to slap myself quite a few times just to stay awake. The plot was ludicrous (When a hypochondriac learns that he is dying, he accepts an offer to throw himself in a volcano at a tropical island, and along the way there, learns to truly live – from IMDB.com). Additionally, Meg Ryan played a couple of different characters, none of which were remotely endearing. Hanks wasn’t so bad, but not even he could save this one.

3. Betsy’s Wedding – This was during the tail-end of Molly Ringwald’s run as “that girl on those teen movies that isn’t really that attractive, but for some reason I still want to bone her.” This movie got me over that obsession. The plot was thinner than the thongs that Paris Hilton wears. Plus, Alan Alda played a main role, and let’s just say he didn’t quite bring back any memories of Hawkeye Pierce. With other actors like Madeline Kahn, Joe Pesci, and Catherine O’Hara in it, one would think this movie could get by on acting alone. Not the case. This movie is so bad, you would be hard pressed to find it playing on the WB on Saturday afternoon. Thankfully, I got see this one for free, as the girl I was seeing worked at the theatre. However, I will never get those two hours back.

2. Quiz Show/The Englishman That Went Up The Hill, But Came Down The Mountain – If they would’ve just kept both of these as documentaries, I would’ve happily watched them on the History Channel. Unfortunately, some movie producers had the bright idea of making both of these into movies. Even more unfortunate was the fact that I went to see both of these movies. My eyes welled with tears of boredom, as I sat trapped like a prisoner trying desperately to stay awake and sane throughout both of these yawners.

1. That Darn Cat – This has got to be the worst movie ever made. To top it off, it was a remake of a Disney movie from 1965 starring that “loveable” Disney whore, Dean Jones. For one reason or another, some executive at Disney (must’ve been that schmuck, Eisner), gave the green-light to go ahead and redo this festering pile of movie sludge. Normally, I wouldn’t even consider going to see something this obviously pathetic, but my girlfriend at the time insisted we go (it was a compromise – we would go see this, and then go and see Howard Stern’s Private Parts). I couldn’t even tell what the plot was, because it was erased from my memory almost immediately. However, I did decide to look it up on IMDB.com, and noticed that Disney once again allowed Dean Jones to have a part in this flick (Just swallowed some vomit after realizing this). Other actors who appeared in this fart-stain, and who obviously were either intoxicated or desperate for work, included Peter Boyle, Christina Ricci, Michael McKean, and John Ratzenberger. As the movie ended, my girlfriend looked at me and said, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I almost punched her in the throat (I would never hit a girl, but I don’t think anybody would blame me).