Weird Stuff I'm Good At ...

Are there there any "non-important" things that you do, that you honestly think you do better than anyone else? Weird question, right? Let me explain.


I feel that I am really, really good at cooking bacon. I know, I know, bacon is really easy to cook. But, the thing with bacon is, that you need to cook long enough where it's crispy, but still has some "juice" to it. If you overcook the sucker, it's just dry and crumbly. I'm an expert at this, and have been told by quite a few people over the years that my bacon is perfect (sounds kinky). I have a whole time-tested routine with this - basically, I cook it on a griddle at 325 degrees, flipping frequently ... making sure to continue this until golden brown (again, you have to eye it, making sure not to overcook). As many of you know, bacon, in my opinion, is probably the greatest food ever (in fact, I have argued for bacon scented candles and air fresheners ... ehough said).


In a whole other example, at my company, we are required to "volunteer" a certain percentage of our time in other departments. For instance, I assist the literature fulfillment department - basically, I help to stuff envelopes a few hours a month. What I like about it is that it's totally mindless and simple. Sure, it's kind of boring, but it's a welcome relief during a stressful day of work. I've come to the conclusion that I'm one of the best envelope stuffers in company history ... I've even been complimented on how good I am. Of course, there are full-time envelope stuffers, and if there was ever a competition, there's a good chance they'd smoke me ... but at the very least, I feel I'm the best volunteer stuffer (again, sounds kinky).

So, a few days ago, I was just checking CNN.com to start my day, when I noticed three absolutely ludicrous headlines (and none of them surprisingly had anything to do with the presidential race). Check these out:

Story #1 - PETA Urges Ben & Jerry's To Use Human MilkReally? Human milk? For ice cream? Seriously? Is it me, or is PETA getting more and more ridiculous with their stances and their “attacks?” How is this reasonable in any possible way? I have to ask it again … human milk? I mean, how can anybody take this group seriously? At this point, you’d probably consider taking people like Hitler, Stalin, Sharpton, or Swaggert more seriously than PETA. How do outrageous stances like this advance PETA’s cause? And, just for the sake of argument, if Ben & Jerry’s DID decide to begin using human milk for their ice cream, who in their right minds (notice the word “right,” PETA) would eat this?

Story #2 - Lohan confirms she's dated woman 'a very long time'I have a couple of thoughts on this. First, HOW IS THIS EVEN A HEADLINE ON CNN???? I mean, I can understand this being a lead on such credible sites like Perez Hilton, Star Magazine, and heck, even People … but CNN? Seriously, will this relationship have an effect on the price of oil? Will it hinder the environment? No? Then, let’s not make this a headline, ok? Oh yeah, my second thought on this – Wait, that girl’s a woman? Really? She looks like the kid from Back to School, right? No, I need proof – drop the pants, “Samantha.”

Story #3 - New dad Clay Aiken comes out of closetAgain, I have two thoughts … The first thought is pretty much the exact thought as the one in Story # 2. So, let me focus on the second thought. Was this really a surprise to anybody? Look, I didn’t even watch American Idol, and I knew the guy was gay. Heck, next to him, Liberace looks like Magnum P.I., for crying out loud! Oh, and another thing, does Diane Sawyer really need to do an interview with this guy in order to “break” this story? I know, I know, Diane Sawyer has about as much credibility in the news “profession” as, well, Clay Aiken does in the music “profession,” but still … isn’t there a point where you just have to say no? I guess not.

Weekly Homework Assignment

Mama’s losing it has given us a few interesting “topics” to write about – I decided to choose the "day off" topic, because ... well ... I really love days off!

If I could take tomorrow off work I'd ... probably begin moving stuff out of my basement and into the attic … You see, after years of nagging, my wife has finally convinced me that (a) the basement looks too much like a college dorm, and (b) we should tear down the paneling, and put up some dry wall.

When we moved in, the basement was pretty much half-finished. It had the wood paneling up, but the tiled ceiling was falling down (and had all kinds of weird “treasures,” none of which included money), and the floor was old and unkempt. We decided to partially redo the basement – keeping up the paneling, but putting up some sort wallpaper that almost makes it look like drywall (not really, though), and getting rid of the tiled floor and putting down carpeting.

The place looks good now, but not good enough. We even put a bar down there, and we end up spending most of our free time downstairs. One of the incentives for actually going through with this project is that my wife has agreed to let me buy an LCD TV for the basement! Of course, this has helped to motivate me.

I also have a friend who runs a very successful graphic design business … he has agreed to help with the basement project. This guy is truly amazing – not only is he a great graphic designer (check out his site), but he’s a fantastic interior decorator – seriously, you should see what he did to his basement – you’d never want to leave.

So, to make a long story short, I would begin the process of making my basement more "professional-looking," by moving a bunch of stuff out of said basement. I'll take some before and after pictures for a future post (by the way, if anybody has any suggestions for an LCD TV, pass them along!).

You're selling what????

Have any of you seen the recent Taco Bell commercials featuring the "volcano taco," and thought to yourself, "my God, they've finally crossed the sexual border?" Seriously, this volcano taco is, in a sense, a pink taco. I mean, don't you think this type of thing may have crossed the minds of the execs over at Taco Bell, and would've made them nix the idea? Oh wait, that's right - they haven't ever nixed any of the bad Taco Bell commercial ideas over the year, either.

Do you think the other fast-food giants took notice, and are planning their own "sexy" sandwiches? Is McDonals toying with releasing the "McBlumkin?" How about Subway and the "Bloagie?" Let's not even think about what Dunkin Donuts could come up with ...

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a picture of the Volcano Taco ... sorry 'bout that, folks.

It's That Time of Year Again!!!

Once a year, an event so special comes around that makes everybody quake in their boots with excitement ... Christmas? Nope .... Halloween? Uh-uh .... Flag Day? Seriously????

That's right, folks, it's Oktoberfest ... a time for many people to dream about being German (not unlike the amateur night on St. Patricks Day) ... And please, don't ask why it's called Oktoberfest and it's held in September (btw - you can find the answer on wikipedia.org).

The biggest one I know of in the area is the Delaware Saengerbund's weekend celebration taking place ... well ... this weekend! A few of us are making our annual migration to this glorious event that features much bier (that's the way the Germans spell it), good German Volksmusik, great German food, and funny German clothing.

I'm not really sure how many people come out to this, but let me just say that it is absolutley packed with people ... my parents help with peeling potatoes for the event (if you're a club member, you have to volunteer with something), and they are planning on peeling 1,500 pounds of potatoes today ... The state of Idaho and McDonalds are both jealous!

There's stuff for the whole family here, and the price is quite reasonable. . So, if you're in the area, stop by today or tomorrow (it's easy to find, just click on the link I provided). Have a look at some of the pics from last year's event.


The bier-tower - a classic at the Oktoberfest (lots of drinking involved).


The ceremonial tapping of the keg (that's my uncle, by the way!).


Authentic German biersteins for sale!


Bring the kids ... they can ride on all the rides they want while you drink!

Homework Assginment ...

Mama's Losing It has moved the day to do our blogging "homework" to Thursday, which is fine by me. The assignment I chose today is an interesting one - I'm sure that Freud would have a field day with me. The question I chose is: Do you have reoccurring dreams? What are they about?

I often have a dream that I'm back in college, or even high school sometimes. On the surface, it's not really that scary - I actually enjoyed high school and college for the most part. However, in these dreams, I often either forget how to get to my class OR I realize that I inadvertently forgot about a class on my schedule. I spend the entire dream trying to figure out where the heck my classes are - it's kind of frustrating.

The funny part is that I know where I am (my college or high school), but the place doesn't look anything like the actual campus. And, I'm usually running from building to building, or from floor to floor, trying to find the room I'm supposed to be in ... I usually don't find the room for the most part, unfortunately.

When I do find the room, I have to explain to the professor why I hadn't been attending class - usually, it's because I couldn't find the room, or I didn't realize the class was on my schedule. I'm sure there's some sort of weird psychological explanation for this, but I'd rather not hear it (What I don't know won't kill me ...).

Wait, I'm missing something here, right?

There was a rumor out there recently that Pamela Anderson had been dating Michael Jackson … and to think, I always thought Pam had female genitalia … seriously, though, if this is true (and I’m finding it very hard to believe it is), what the hell was Pam thinking? Wait, I should probably rephrase that – Was Pam even thinking? Is she even capable of thinking?

If this rumor is true, would that reshuffle the deck with regards to the dumb female celebrities? Can Pamela Anderson even be considered a female celebrity anymore at this point?

And from Jacko’s perspective … isn’t Pam a little too old for his tastes? Oh yeah, and isn’t she a little too female as well? Is this the beginning of an MTV publicity stunt that will culminate in Jacko winning 3 MTV VMA’s in 2009?

And, from my perspective … why am I even wasting so much time on this story, anyway?

Wha???

So, Britney Spears won 3 … count ‘em … 3 MTV music video awards at the VMA’s this past Sunday. As you can expect, I have some questions:

1. First, why is MTV even given out music video awards still? Do they even show videos anymore?
2. Wait, when did Britney make new videos? And, did anybody else see the video before she won the awards? And, if so, where?
3. Did Britney win these awards ONLY because she agreed to show up at the VMA’s?
4. When was the last time anybody really gave a flying rat’s ass about the VMA’s?
5. Will we see a Michael Jackson comeback attempt on the VMA’s next year?
6. When will MTV decide to change the name (and of course, formats) to the VRT’s (video reality tv)? C’mon … you know that’s gotta be coming soon, right?
7. Who was that British host on the VMA’s? How did MTV make the decision to go with him? And, why wasn’t he even a little bit funny?
8. How drunk does one have to be to be able to not only watch, but enjoy the VMA’s?
9. Are the ESPY’s better than the VMA’s?
10. How many “artists” did you recognize at the VMA’s?

What Will They Think of Next?

I think reality tv shows have hit an all-time low. I know, I know, I blogged about this about a year ago – and truthfully, I thought they’d come up with everything … until last night. I was laying in bed, relaxing after a hectic weekend (translation, bachelor party). My wife came into bed, basically trying to annoy me, and not allowing me to get any of that well-deserved rest that I had earned.

My wife then informed me that she only had about ½ hour left to get on my nerves before her show came on. “What show,” I stated, half interested (for some ungodly reason). My wife proceeded to inform me that she was watching a show called “Sunset Tan,” which basically is a reality show about a tanning salon. I was speechless … but I shouldn’t have been surprised. I think my wife has watched every single reality show at least once.

This got me to thinking – what other ridiculously stupid occupations can a reality show be made for? Here’s a couple, just off the top of my head:

• The Bait ‘n Tackle Chronicles – A show that takes places in … well … a bait and tackle shop … fishermen come in and get bait, and come back and tell stories about the one that got away … meanwhile, the owners of the bait and tackle shop constantly make fun of the choices in bait, lures, and fishing attire … I figure the VS. channel would be a prime candidate for this beauty.
• Brilliant Barbers – I know, I know … there’s already a show (or 30) about hair stylists … but what about a reality show in a good old-fashioned barber shop, complete with a wooden Indian, and one of those swirly signs? The barbers would have their regulars who come in, and update us on their drinking, flatulence, and boring work stories … meanwhile, the barbers make fun of the hairstyles (or lack thereof) these “regulars” have. Probably a gimme for Spike TV.
• Fast Food Free For All – Why not have a competition, not unlike Iron Chef, but featuring fast food restaurants … once and for all, we’d get a definitive answer on whether or not the Big Mac is better than the Whopper, or whose fries are better … How can this miss? Sounds like a perfect show for Fox.
• Dancing with the Chefs – Let’s mix two highly rated reality shows and see what happens. We get world-renowned chefs and have them compete in a dance-off … heck, we could even have Simon Cowell as a judge. Perfect for just about any tv station.

That’s really all I could come up with … with about 5 minutes of thought. What do you guys and gals think?

Weekly Homework Assignment

So, Momma's Losing It has given us another interesting homework assignment. The one I chose was: Write about a brief, but scary encounter with one of your old professors or teachers. Here goes nothing!

One time, when I was in 5th grade, A classmate of mine and I were walking back from recess with one of our 5th grade teachers, Mr. H - a relatively popular teacher, who normally had a good sense of humor, but was on the strict side ... still, most students loved him (and most of the girls had a crush on him).

Anyway, as we were walking back from recess, we got into a conversation about what music we liked. I'm not really sure how we got on this conversation, as I really didn't know anything about rock or pop music at this point ... I think I was still a few months away from beginning to listen to 98.1 WCAU FM ... Hot Hits!

Still, we began having this conversation. Mr. H claimed that he was a big fan of the Village People ... We snickered a little, and my friend said something along the lines of, "Oh, you're one of those people." Sadly, I had to follow that one up with, "Yeah, a homo!" Folks, I don't think I was 100% sure what a homo even was at this point ... unfortunately, that didn't prevent me from blurting that sentence out.

Mr. H. was obviously not amused ... in fact, he got quite ticked off at the two of us ... so ticked off, in fact, that he threatened to ban us from the upcoming Field Day, which was an annual competition that our elementary/middle school held, in which they divided the school up into two teams, and had us compete in a variety of events. This was held sometime during the last few weeks of school, and was basically an all-day recess.

I think I almost filled my pants up with enough feces to fertilize all of Lancaster. I didn't know what to do ... my biggest fear was my parents finding out about this and grounding me until middle age. My friend and I groveled for days (I think), until finally Mr. H. felt we learned our lesson, and forgave us. I don't think I ever talked to or looked Mr. H. in the eyes again.

We are such wussies!

I remember the first real organized boys club (now called youth club) sporting event – it was a tee ball game – my team was sponsored by Reeser’s Auto Body and we played against “McClellans.” I remember losing that game 12-6, and I also remember going home and crying my eyes out! You see, my parents really never taught me how to lose prior to that. My dad and I would kick the soccer ball around in the back yard, and I’d always win. I thought I was probably the best 5-year-old soccer player ever. I also thought that I (or my team) would find a way to win. I learned a valuable lesson that day, and was able to accept defeat a lot better after that.

I don’t have kids, but I’ve heard this from quite a few people who do have kids – that youth sports is a lot different now. In fact, in many instances, they don’t even keep score, and in tee-ball, everybody bats every inning. Folks, I don’t want to offend anybody, but I think that’s a bunch of bullsh*t. It’s like we as a society are afraid to allow our kids to compete at all. What fun is that? What lessons are learned? How does that prepare ANYBODY for growing up?

Look, I wasn’t the greatest athlete growing up, and I wasn’t the worst, either. I knew there were plenty of kids better than me in certain sports, and I was cool with that. I remember being on an intramural baseball team that won 1 game the entire season. Was I upset with that? Of course not! Did I quit trying? Absolutely not! I loved to play. I loved to compete. Heck, I’d still like to get into a bar softball league, or maybe play basketball once a week. A topic for another day.

Seriously, how did we allow this to happen? Allow ourselves to create sports in which kids don’t compete. Can we even justify calling this a sport? I know, I know – this allows ALL kids to play, no matter if they are good or bad. Seriously? Are we going to do this with everything? Hey, I suck at math – can I build a rocket? Man, I was never good in shop class – let me build a house! See, it doesn’t make sense in those areas, does it? Well, maybe it’s the same way with sports – not everyone can be good at it, and that’s ok … but PLEASE, bring back the competition!

No Ketchup? Seriously?

Some of you may already be aware of the affinity I have with fast food … if only it were healthy ... Now, I don’t go to fast food places very much anymore (maybe once every two weeks), but I have noticed something quite disturbing (and no, it’s not the calories, salt, or sludge) … actually, it’s much more troubling than that.

What am I talking about? I’m glad you asked (and if you didn’t ask, shame on you). KETCHUP PACKETS! I’ve always had this theory that they were getting smaller (although, I never took into account that I was getting bigger), but that’s a complaint for another day. No, my complaint takes ketchup packets in an entirely different direction.

Back in the day, I remember getting ketchup packets, salt, pepper, and almost any other condiment in my bag at a drive-thru window without even asking for it. As time went on, the drive-thru “waiters and waitresses” began asking if I wanted ketchup, salt, or pepper … I didn’t mind, just as long as I got my ketchup (it seems to taste better in the packets … again, a topic for another day).

Then, a few years ago, they totally stopped asking, just handing the bag out the window as soon as one pulled … not even giving the person a chance to ask for the ketchup packets. On a number of occasions, I’ve had to either ask for ketchup while I was ordering, or I’d have to ask very quickly while the attendant was shoving the bag against my noggin. I’ve noticed the eye rolls and sighs when I ask for the ketchup … this truly must be affecting their bottom lines.

I’ve seen a couple fast food places go so far as to stick someone who didn’t speak an ounce of English at the window, hoping that this tactic would help spare those apparently rare packets. And, I know what’s going to happen next (and I bet it’s going to happen pretty soon) – yep, they’re going to start charging for the ketchup.

Look, I’m a man who MUST have large amounts of ketchup to dunk his fries in. That’s probably also the reason I love Chick-Fil-A – because their waffle fries have a large surface area that helps to collect significant amounts of ketchup (yet again, a topic for another conversation). I can’t be dealing with any of these ridiculous ketchup packet wars – I NEED MY KETCHUP PACKETS! Has anyone else noticed this, or am I just becoming too paranoid about this?

Dear Me

OK - so the homework assignment tonight from Mama's Losing It is write a letter to the 10-year-old boy that I had been ... here goes nothing:

Dear young, prepubescent Los,

Dude, remember how you were saying that you couldn't wait to grow up that one day down at the pool with Ray, Drew and Davers? You gotta put on the brakes - enjoy life as a kid with no responsibilties. Yeah yeah, I know - at 21, you'll be able to go to bars, drive, drink, and be a grown up ... but at the same point, you'll have to get a job, and have to pay for things.

Curfews? Yeah, they suck, and mom always makes you come in earlier than the other kids. That's cool - it's just a small price to pay. Mom and dad bend over backwards for you - the least you could do is not complain about your curfew ... you'll understand soon enough.

Oh, and here's a little advice for ya - it's never too early to start thinking about girls. I know, you think they're gross, but you're only a few years away from your first date. And let me tell you something - get over your shyness - there's a lot of girls who would love to go out on a date with you, even if you just take them to the mall for a pretzel and a slurpee. Trust me, bro!