3 More Days ...

My days are winding down at Lockheed, and while I won’t miss the monotonous work that I was “in charge of,” I will dearly miss my coworkers/friends who I’ve had the fortune of clowning around with over the past few years. Reverse, Ink, JoeP and –B- always helped to make coming to work worthwhile, even if we didn’t exactly love our jobs. One would never know what was in store – whether it was throwing the football around outside during our “smoke breaks,” or going to the Moorestown mall to catch a movie during a long lunch break. These are the things I’ll miss dearly. My hope is that I’ll find coworkers at Vanguard that are half as fun/funny as these guys, because I know I’ll never be able to replace them.

Another hope of mine is that my new employer, Vanguard, will be my employer for an extended period of time – possibly the rest of my career. I had hoped this was the case with Lockheed as well, but it becomes obvious that if you don’t have a military background, it is darn near impossible to move up in the company, no matter how valued an employee you are.

I am excited, but at the same time nervous about this new opportunity. I know deep down that I’ll be fine, but anytime you go through a change this big, you worry. I’m leaving a position that I had grown accustomed to. I knew what was expected of me, and I knew that I could easily meet those expectations. I knew what I could expect from coworkers, and I knew the “loop-holes” in the department. Now, much like Henry Hudson and Lewis and Clarke, I will be entering a world of unknowns.

I’ve switched jobs a few times before, and each time, I had this uncertainty … but each time, I’ve done pretty well for myself. It has always been a goal of mine, no matter where I was employed, to become a valued and trusted employee – and so far, I’ve done pretty well with that, I think. As I move on to Vanguard, I know that with time, I’ll once again be in that position, but I know that I will have to work hard to get there.

Sorry for the “not funny” blog – just felt I needed to say something about this.

You're What????

It seems like every Thanksgiving, a bunch of friends of mine – we get together and reminisce about old times, and this past Friday (after our annual “old-guys” turkey bowl football game) was no exception. One particular story got us really cracking up. This diddy involves a good friend of mine, we’ll call him Yon.

It seems about 10 years ago, he began dating this girl, and went out with her on a few occasions. During this one date, they went to a Chris Rock concert. Yon, who was … how can I put this … sheltered as a youth, was quite amazed by the make-up of the audience at this show …. So amazed, that he actually leaned over to his date and said something along the lines of, “Wow, it looks like we are the only two white people here.”

This is kind of funny on its own … however, the story actually gets funnier. What Yon somehow didn’t know was that this girl he was dating was a Mulatto. So, technically, Yon was the only white person at the concert. From what I got out of the story, she didn’t really tell him at this point about her ethnicity. In fact, Yon didn’t really put one-and-one together until a few dates later, when he was over at her place, and he noticed a lot of African art on the walls.

Of course, we spent the rest of the afternoon/evening at the bar cracking up about this and absolutely busting his ball (he only has one – long story) about this. I think we even incorporated some Michael Richards jokes into this. Good times all around.

Los and Smoke, Episode 6

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!


Click here to get your own player.

Another Tradition Bites the Dust???

Interboro is not playing Ridley this year on Thanksgiving Day. Who cares, you may ask? Well … probably not many people outside of Delaware County, but I do, dammit! This football rivalry has been going on since the 1960’s – and while there are many other high school rivalries that have a longer tradition, this was “my” high school rivalry.

I also fear that because of the PIAA (Pennsylvania’s high school athletic association), Thanksgiving day rivalries may become a thing of the past in this state. This is atrocious on many, many levels. For instance, many high schools make a boat-load of money on these Thanksgiving rivalries, that they can put back into athletics. Interboro (my high school) is one of them. How will they be able to recover these funds? I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to this.

Secondly, many kids growing up looked forward to playing in this big game. If it no longer exists, will some of these kids no longer have interest in sports? Maybe I’m being a little too dramatic with this, but with the interest in playing sports decreasing (thanks to other “hobbies” like television, computers, game consoles), this may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for some.

Additionally, may alumni go to these games to reconnect with other alumni – this has happened to me, and it is one of the things I truly enjoy about Thanksgiving. Now what? I’m sure I can go to the local watering holes to reconnect with alumni who have come back to visit family and friends, but it’s not the same.

The PIAA probably has a number of reasons for not allowing playoff teams to play Thanksgiving day games. But, is it really that bad to push back the playoffs one week, so we can keep this tradition? Other states do this? Why is PA different? I guess I’ll just have to spend the day at home, nursing my annual Thanksgiving hangover.

I Don't Like Shopping Malls

I Don’t Think I Like Shopping Malls Much

My wife and I went Christmas shopping on Saturday at the Christiana Mall in Delaware, and I realized something. I hate malls. Maybe it’s just during Christmas season, but I am annoyed with others who are shopping, the ridiculous prices, and trying to find a parking space. For some reason, I’d much rather go to Target, Circuit, City, Best Buy, or any other department store – please don’t hold that against me.

I spent the entire day at the mall, going into stores, looking at price tags, and thinking to myself that I could do so much more better than this. I’ve realized something about myself. I love to find bargains … this is probably a trait that I got from my mom. But additionally, I don’t enjoy shopping in places where I can’t find anything that I would like to have for myself. I understand that Christmas shopping isn’t about me, totally, however, if I’m in a store, like Pottery Barn, and I find nothing that I long for, I have a tough time purchasing something for others. Maybe, it’s just an illness or something.

My wife told me that I can’t go around buying CDs, DVDs, and games for others, just because I like them. I understand that, but sometimes I just can’t put my mind to buying things for others when I’m not inspired.

Perfect example – we were in this store, and my wife found this photo album that she thought was really cute. I shrugged, and told her that if anybody ever bought me a photo album (without any pictures in it), I’d be offended. It’s not that I don’t like photo albums, but this seems like something I could buy on my own if I needed it, much like socks and underwear.

So, I ended up buying a few little things. My wife was probably pissed off that she spent a day shopping with me – she could do so much better on her own.

In a few days, we’ll be swamped with offers and advertisements for Black Friday. I’ve seen some “sneak previews” from some stores, and I’m intrigued. The thing is that I really don’t feel like getting up at 4:00 a.m. to go Christmas shopping.

Stoppage Time

That’s My Boss!
Don’t you hate bosses that never seem to keep their employees informed about anything? Yep, you guessed it. I have a boss like this. For starters, he goes on vacation without telling anybody … that’s right, you heard me … WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY! Isn’t this something you might want to mention to people you manage, in case they were wondering where you were? I’m not telling you to give out your cellphone number or anything like that, but just inform everybody that you will be out of the office for the week, and that if you need any help with something, either put it aside, or have somebody serving as your “right-hand man” while you are out.

If that was all he did, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. HOWEVER, he shits on his underlings in other fascinating ways. For instance, he apparently is interviewing people for potential openings in our department. I’m not saying he has to give us pages of background information on each candidate, BUT if he brings them around to us, maybe he should give us a little more information than just saying, “Hey, this is Donna.” Yep, that’s it. I don’t know if I should know the person, or who this person really is. It really pisses me off.

Plus, if he is going to be out of the office for the day, maybe on travel to a meeting in Dahlgren or Bloomsburg, he could maybe tell the office, just in case somebody important was looking for him (yep – this happened to me today).

I’m not sure if I’m more upset with the fact that he does this, or that with all of these “qualifications,” he is my boss. I guess that’s a toss-up. Thank goodness it’s Friday.


Should You Really Be Throwing Darts?
A friend of mine was throwing darts whilst inebriated a few nights ago. On more than one occasion, he walked up to the line to throw darts, and realized he didn’t have the darts in his hands. On another occasion, he told another dart thrower to aim for the M … I think this needs some explanation. On a regular dart board, the 11 can resemble an M … WHEN YOU ARE PLASTERED! I think I’m gonna make a shirt up for him that says “Don’t Drink and Dart.”

Random Conversation of the Week
My wife and I were watching the news, and there was a story about severe weather in the Carolinas in which 11 people died. The odd part about this story was that the reporter said something along the lines of “the death toll is at 11.” It got me to thinking – when is it o.k. to use the “death toll” line? My wife and I decided that if more than 99 people die, using “death toll” is justified. However, anything less, and it is wrong to do so.

This Smells Like Grandma

You’ve probably heard that elephants go off to an elephant cemetery to die when they get old, right? Well, I think we can make that same connection with old people at the Showboat casino in Atlantic City. I have never seen so many elderly people in a single place (I’m sure the Billy Graham concerts have a similar turnout). In a way, it is deeply depressing to me. I felt really bad and really sorry for these octogenarians.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time in Atlantic City this weekend – basically broke even, and since the room was free, I feel that I made out pretty well. But man, you could bring a busload of kindergarteners into the place, and I don’t think the average age of casino patrons would drop. Is this all that is left for you when you get old – cashing your social security check and taking the casino bus down to Atlantic City and handing this money over to the casinos?

On a more positive note, the new shopping area at Caesars is phenomenal. Sure, most stores are out of my ballpark, but window shopping there is amazing. Plus, the restaurants/bars they have there are excellent. Two restaurants should be very familiar to Philadelphians – Buddakhan and The Conttinental – catering to upscale and trendy dining and drinking. Additionally, there is a very cool sports bar called Game On, with stadium seating, and countless televisions – I’m guessing it gets really crowded during games, but the atmosphere will probably be great. This shopping area, along with the Borgata, and the French Quarter at the Tropicana are attempts by Atlantic City to compete against Las Vegas … now I’m not saying that they are in the same ballpark as Vegas, but at the very least, they are finally making an effort. And since A.C. is only an hour away from my house, this is a good thing.

C'Mon Lucky 7's!!!!

As you may know, I am going to A.C. today and tomorrow to celebrate my 3-year wedding anniversary … oh yeah, my wife is going too. You’re probably wondering whether I like the tables or the slots, aren’t you (throw me a bone, and pretend you are interested!). Well, my answer to that is … I like both. And no, it’s not a sellout answer … and no, I’m not gay either.

Seriously, it depends on what kind of mood I’m in, and how crowded the casino floor is (and yes, it depends on the minimum bet amount on the tables). As far as which table games I like, I have a few. I’ll play some black jack here and there, but it’s not one of my favorites – to tell ya the truth, I don’t know all of the “rules” involved with which cards to hit, when to double up, etc. (I know the easy ones). I also play craps every once in a while, but not whilst intoxicated (I end up making far too many bets, and waking up in the morning wondering how the hell my wallet was emptied). I enjoy Pai Gow poker, but you don’t really win a lot of money in this one (or lose a lot of money either). Once in a while, I’ll play Texas Hold-em, but I get stage fright when I’m not at a table with friends, and playing Hold-em when you’re scared is never a good idea.

As far as slots go, I like video poker … especially if the machine is built into a bar with sports going on (which I’m hoping to find today – I know that Bally’s Wild Wild West has this, but if there’s country music playing, I’m not going to be enjoying myself). I’ll also play a little of the Wheel of Fortune game – won quite a bit of money on this out in Vegas … unfortunately, the A.C. slots aren’t nearly as loose as them (great, now I’m sounding like one of those “blue-hairs”).

It may be a little crowded on Sunday, but it should be rather empty on Monday, so we’ll see. All I know is that I gotta be near a tv (Eagles game and fantasy football) on today.

Three Years, Already?

Three years … this week I celebrate three years of being married. It came as a shock to me, as I’m not sure how my wife has done it. I really thought that nobody was capable of putting up with me for that long. And the funny part is, I think she still loves me. How is this possible? Does this seem appealing to anybody – a guy who loves sports, the Rolling Stones, and pro wrestling?

My wife and I originally met on a blind date. I don’t think either of us thought much of it. I know she probably lost interest, when the first topic of conversation that I mustered was political talk – specifically, how I thought John McCain would’ve been a better president than G.W. Now, let me make this clear – I hardly EVER talk politics, mainly because the mere thought of all of the political corruptness on both sides makes me vomit internally. But for some reason, this was what came out of my mouth.

Sure, the date eventually went better, and we ended up having a good time, BUT usually the first impression you give is the one that most people remember. The first impression that I got was, “Wow, this girl is really cute!” This probably explains why I came up with a brainfart of a topic to discuss.

After a few days, I called her, but she didn’t return it. I figured I’d make one last ditch effort to talk to her on a Saturday night, prior to a party I was going to. She ended up picking up, but she sounded tired/sick/uninterested. The call lasted maybe 5 minutes. That’s it, I thought. I went out that night not expecting to ever hear from her again.

To my surprise, she called me the next night, and we had a cool 45-minute talk – she later told me that this convinced her to give me another chance. And we never looked back. I guess I convinced her that outside of the dopey political talk, I am actually fun guy. Another plus is that she loves sarcasm, and she has learned to enjoy the Rolling Stones. Of course, she never did get into pro wrestling … which is probably a good thing. Another good thing is that we have numerous tv’s in the house, so she can watch her reality shows and HGTV, while I can go upstairs and watch my Philadelphia sports teams flounder.

I can’t imagine my life without her. She is my best friend, and she has a knack for making me laugh when I’m in a bad mood, and we ALWAYS have fun together. Plus, she’s a piece of ass.

Sorry for the cheesy blog post. I just wanted to let my cutie know that I love her.

You Expect Me to Wear That????

I took this story from my old website, because ... well, I thought it was funny:

One of the greater Grieb "legendary stories" involves clothes styles and, more importantly, the brand names of clothes that Inga, my mother, has purchased for her family over the years. Even though I haven't lived with my parents for quite a while now, a recent and timely "incident" reinforced the fact that it wouldn't matter how far I moved away from home, I could rest assured that Inga would still be hard at work scouring the globe for excellent deals on brand-named clothes that I have never heard of.

This recent occurrence happened just a few weeks ago - right before the big storm that dumped about a foot of snow on the Philadelphia area - of course there are probably some pundits out there that think this may have been a sign, but let's ignore them and move on. I received a phone call from the said purchaser who informed me that she had found a fantastic deal on a pair of corduroys and purchased them for me. She also notified me that she had to hem four inches off of these pants so that they would fit my "stocky" body. I must've been away from home for too
long, because I was actually excited by the prospect of getting a new pair of pants, even though my mother was the one who made the final purchase. Plus, these cords would be good to wear when shoveling the large amount of snow that we were bracing for.

The night before the snow-storm, Inga dropped off the pants, and other odds and ends (she knows her son loves chocolate chip cookies, and she continues to provide them to him, as evidenced by the expanding waistline of said son). I found the bag attached to the front door, even though my mother has keys to the house. I took the bag in, found the pants, and inspected them more closely. The cords looked pretty good - a dark blue color - my favorite. As I glanced at the tag, expecting to see
"Levis," or "Lee," or "Gap," I was more than surprised to see a brand name that I wasn't familiar with. I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I wasn't seeing things, and sure enough, I wasn't. The name of the company that produced these cords was called, get ready for this, "Big Yank." Wow, how couldn't I wear a pair of "Big Yanks" in front of my friends? I certainly wouldn't be the butt of any jokes for years and years to come, would I? Of course, I decided to wear them the very next day while shoveling snow, and then when Sue, Lisa, and I scurried to a few of the local bars that had remained open during the snow storm. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that these pants were not the least bit comfortable - in fact, Sue said that the pants made me look like Mick Jagger - I'm not sure if that is a compliment or not.

But, as many of you know, Inga has bought some "interesting" clothes for me in the past. It probably goes back to the lederhosen that she made me wear when I was 3-years old. Quite coincidentally, wearing these lederhosen was one of my very first memories, and it wasn't because these lederhosen were cool - it was because they chafed me more than a pair of sand-paper pants would have. There is a great picture out there somewhere that my parents took of me in those lederhosen. You can actually see the pain in my face in this picture, as I am trying to grab a fist-full of leather out of my ass.

In the past, my mom has bought me sneakers from far away lands - I mean, I think they were from far away lands, because the style was hideous, and the names on these sneakers were unimaginable. They made those Traxx sneakers with the Velcro ties sold at K-Mart look like Air Jordans.

One pair was called "Copa 83," and the sneakers were red. I wore these when I fished because I was planning on falling in the water. As it turned out, one day at Crum Creek, I walked into the creek and the sneakers sunk in the mud.

Another pair of sneakers that she bought, from God knows where, was a pair of brown, that's right, brown sneakers called "Nado Super Primo." These were a pair of high-tops from Italy. My mom was especially surprised and excited about this purchase, because the aforementioned sneakers only set her back 4 dollars. I wasn't exactly
sure what situation would require me to wear these sneakers, as the circus had already left town.

Some of the brand-named clothes that she purchased would've been down-right comical, had Inga not mandated that I wear these to school - obviously this was before high school! One such pair of jeans was made by a company called "Smacks." Now, a girl could probably get away with wearing jeans by this company, but a 6th grade boy, such as me, was lucky not to get shoved in a locker after wearing these beauties. I don't exactly remember the logo from this company, but I think it may have included lips. Lets just say the girls weren't knocking the door down at the Grieb household to get to know me.

My mom also bought a pair of hideous brown pants for me, made by a company known as "Uncle Charlie's." I think she actually bought me two pairs of pants by this company - no doubt that she probably sniffed out a two-for-one sale at the local
Thriftway.

There are probably many other brands that I have forgotten, and
most-assuredly for good reason. But, hey, they provided a good story, didn't
they?

Los and Smoke, Episode 5

We finally got around to doing another podcast - this one has to do with "Inga" and all of the "Inga-isms."


Click here to get your own player.

I Guess Times Change

A few old work buddies and I went to Tower Records in Center City this past Saturday – this was normally a post-holiday tradition for us, but since Tower is closing on December 12, we decided to get one more shopping trip in. It’s unfortunate that a record store like this is closing down, but with the popularity of MP3’s (not to mention major record companies opting to promote crap like Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton), this has become a trend.

It’s a sad day for me (I’m sure I’m not the only one), because I have always LOVED the experience of purchasing an album/cassette/cd (I have well over 1000 cds in my collection). Physically holding the album, admiring the album art, and reading the liners, not to mention actually physically putting the cd into the cd player to listen to the tracks – this I lived for (and continue to live for).

Obviously, the record companies (and stores) have to take a lot of the blame, as they have in recent years jacked up the prices of cds to ridiculous amounts. Plus, it doesn’t seem like there are enough cds that have enough good songs on them to merit their purchase. It is much easier to go to I-Tunes and download one or two songs instead of paying the $15-$20 to buy an entire cd in which you may only listen to one or two songs.

Plus, with the purchasing power that stores like Best Buy and Circuit City have, it is usually more beneficial (at least in terms of cost) to buy at these places. But, variety is usually sacrificed (Best Buy actually isn’t too bad). Limited shelf space means only the most “popular” cds are sold. I hate this, because I generally like to experiment with my music purchases. In the past few years, I’ve started acquiring music via MP3 purchases, and I guess there will eventually come a point when I exclusively do this. I’m just going to miss buying cds.

On a side note, Tower’s “going out of business sale” is not really that astounding – in fact, even with the “30-50%” sales, they still are more expensive than the big box stores. Basically, Tower took all of their “special” pricing off of their merchandise, which was probably around 30% off, and jacked the prices up to the $19 range (for their cds) . I guess I’ll have to wait until December 1, until the “real” savings can be reached … but, by that point, I may only have Federline and Hilton to choose from.

Stoppage Time

Let me be the first to wish you a happy Cliché Day – that’s right, probably one of my favorite days of the year. So, in the immortal words of Richie Cunningham, “Sit on it, Potsie!”

You Call THAT a Special?
I went to Iron Hill Brewery a few nights ago with a fellow Penn Stater for dinner, and a funny thing happened. The waiter asked if I wanted to hear the specials, to which I replied, “sure,” and the waiter says the following: “Let me see if I can pull this out … I have the grilled sausage.” Of course, I pounce all over this, and say something to the effect of “Well, that really didn’t sound so good.” Poor waiter guy was flustered for the rest of the night.

Oil Came from What?
You know, I’ve always been under the belief that oil came from dinosaurs. Ink, a coworker, thought it came from plants and foliage of some sort. Surprisingly, after some research, we found out that neither of us are correct. Apparently, it comes from some sort of small life-form (not really a plant, not really an animal) that ends up dying on the bottom of the ocean floor and forming some sort of sludge. Of course, Ink and I got into an argument over this, and Ink claimed I was lying. I responded with “If you don’t know that you are lying, then you aren’t lying.” Not really sure any of this made sense.

Take That Cigar and Shove It!!!!
This past weekend, Red Auerbach, legendary coach and GM of the Boston Celtics passed away. As a Philadelphia sports fan, I wonder if any of our owners will ever reach this legendary status. The only one that comes anywhere near this is Ed Snider, but his teams really haven’t done much since the Flyers won two Stanley Cups in the 1970’s. Auerback’s Celtics won well over a dozen championships, and probably would’ve won more if Len Bias didn’t overdose on coke back in the day. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m really jealous and I wish we had some competent owners in this city. Please help us!

Office Prank of Sorts
You know what pisses off a lot of people at work? When somebody (me) makes a bag of microwave popcorn in the office. The smell wafts to all corners of the work place and if you listen closely enough, you can hear the collective sound of stomachs growling. Of course, you have to be skilled at popping corn in the microwave – there are some rocket scientists in this building that have caused the fire alarm to go off because (a) they didn’t realize that one can overpop corn, or (b) they decided to go to the bathroom while the corn was popping, and ended up spending too much time in the restroom or forgot about the popcorn altogether. Maybe people should be licensed to pop corn.

Come On Down???

Sad news from the land of game shows. Legendary Price is Right Host, and a guy that apparently poked a lot of hot “beauties” on the show, Bob Barker is retiring after what seems like 1 million years as the host of the popular game show.

Obviously, this day had to come sooner or later, and truthfully, I thought it would’ve happened many years ago. I grew up watching the guy give away cars and lovely dinette sets, not to mention tons and tons of money on Plinko. I enjoyed watching him try to putt the golf ball in the popular “Hole in One” game. I was envious of his cool microphone, and enjoyed trying to guess the price of a six-pack of tic-tacs. I was as shocked as everybody else when he finally stopped dying his hair black.

In my opinion, Bob Barker as a game show host was only bettered by Gene Rayburn (of Match Game fame), and I am concerned/interested in finding out who will replace this celebrated man. Barker outlasted not only every other game show host, but also announcers like Johnny Olson and Rod Roddy. The Price is Right will go on – it is just too fun of a show to fall to the wayside. But, I’d really like to know who is capable of hosting this show for the next few decades (the network did try on numerous occasions to put the show on prime-time, but for some reason, the show never succeeded in the evenings – maybe the game show host does have a lot to do with this).

So, I wanted to see if you guys and gals have any suggestions on who could carry this show into the future. I want this to be fun, so if you had the choice of selecting anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, who would it be?

Here are just a few of my choices:

1. Mike Tyson – Seriously, why not? Wouldn’t it be great to see him screw up, get mad, and punch a contestant in the face? Additionally, his banter with the “Tyson Beauties” would probably be priceless.

2. Michael Jackson – Watching his nose fall off on stage would be worth the investment itself. Unfortunately, the Beauties would probably be replaced by “Jackson’s Juveniles.”

3. Will Farrell – This show could use an injection of humor, and Farrell has plenty to offer.

4. Ric Flair – The glitter of the robes he wears is a perfect fit with this show.

5. Lawrence Taylor – Oh what the heck! Just let him do some blow and give him the microphone. It worked with the Gong Show.

Stop It!!!!!!

I know I’ve vented about this a few weeks ago, but it’s getting worse. Seriously, these politicians must be billionaires with all of the mailings that I’m receiving. Every day, I get numerous advertisements stuffed into my mailbox – when I come home from work, and I see my mailbox ready to explode, it really gets to me.

Maybe I’m the only one here, but I refuse to read ALL of this junk. I want to start some sort of grass-roots movement that eliminates this waste … however, outside of writing about it, I’m just too damn lazy. However, I’ve come up with a solution.

I am going to vote for the politician who sends me the least junk. That’s right, maybe some reverse psychology will reverse this nauseating trend. Starting today, I’m keeping track of the political junk mail, and basing my voting on this. I encourage all of you to do the same.

Besides, is there really a better way to pick the politician you want to vote for? They are all corrupt to the gills anyway … and they ALL see-saw on issues more than kids playing at a park. I sent an e-mail to two politicians (Santorum and Casey – a hotly contested Pennsylvania race) a few weeks ago after I watched one of their putrid debates in which all they did was yell at each other, try to speak over each other, and just make a mockery of the entire political process.

In my e-mail, I told them both that I felt ripped off that I would have to vote for one of those two candidates, and openly questioned how either of them could possibly consider themselves the best candidates that their parties could find. They both repeatedly uttered the phrase “Let’s talk about the issues,” but neither of them ever even bothered. What’s the point, anyway? Why should they talk about issues, when they can gain viewership by continuing to be obnoxious jerks. I told them that they should take their show on the road and do some sort of Ultimate Debating/Fighting pay-per-view to help them finance all of the junk mail that they keep sending me. To this point, I haven’t heard anything back…

There, that felt better.

Topical Chat, October 30, 2006

Heckuva Halloween weekend – the best costume was Andy Reid’s impression of Rich Kotite.

1. On the death of Red Auerbach, legendary coach of the Celtics:Will this be as devastating to the cigar industry as Billy Martin’s death was to the pipe industry?”

2. On a Florida teen who is in hot water for an unusual joy ride he's accused of taking this weekend - allegedly stealing a bus, driving it along a public transit route, picking up passengers and collecting fares:
“Passengers became suspicious when they were being picked up at their bus stops on time.”

3. On police investigating a theft of frozen popsicles:
“they are narrowing the search down to only people with brain freeze and a purple tongue.”

4. On a group of Scottish people complaining about the sale of cheap alcohol:
“That’s right, ruin it for the rest of us, just like Jerry Falwell.”

5. On St. Louis being named the most dangerous city in the U.S:
“Rumor has it, they are thinking of changing the name of the Gateway Arch to the Arch of Doom!”

6. On a flasher being jailed after claiming he wasn’t exposing himself — he was holding a jumbo hot dog:
“The authorities may have believed him if he told them it was a baby gherkin.”

7. On students from Colorado State University attempting to set a new world record for streaking:
“Looks like they are going for a transfer to Florida State.”

8. On British human beings possibly being forced to be 'microchipped' like pet dogs in 10 years, a shocking official report into the rise of the Big Brother state has warned:
“And still, they can’t solve that oral hygiene issue.”

Pow!!!

I apologize to all my readers for not posting yesterday – I had some important “meetings” that took up a big part of my day. I hope to elaborate in the near future.

Anyway, tonight is a very big party night in the US, as we celebrate Halloween … well, Halloween is actually on Tuesday this year, BUT adults like to celebrate this on a Saturday night, as we all dress up in sexy, goofy, slutty, and scary costumes, and then get sexy, goofy, slutty and scary drunk.

Halloween is an interesting holiday in that I believe it was once some sort of Pagan holiday. Basically, children dress up in costumes, go door-to-door and ask for candy. As a kid, I loved this holiday. As an adult, I love it more now.

Tonight, I will be dressing up as legendary NFL broadcaster John Madden. I plan on having pictures up in a couple of days. Sorry this post is so short – I need to work on the costume now (and watching the Penn State game).

Office Restroom Terminology

I enjoyed the last posting, and figured I'd pass this one along - you've probably seen this one before, but it still makes me laugh. Enjoy:

RESTROOM TERMINOLOGY

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE
A toilet that has seen more butts than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include miscellaneous "hair", pee stains and brown streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

New Vocabulary

Ink sent me a great e-mail this morning. You know how I love making and using new words - well, here are a bunch you can use in the workplace:

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the Amer ican landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Songs I Loathe

I’m not sure what prompted me to write this, maybe the dismal radio market in Philly, or the awful music scene in general, but I decided I would give you a list of songs that I no longer can stand (in no particular order):

1. Drops of Jupiter, Train – This song makes me want to flush my head down the toilet. I’m not sure if this song was overplayed in every radio market, but it seemed like every radio station in Philly had a gun pointed to its head, forcing it to play this song at least 10 times a day a few years ago. Thankfully, one hardly ever hears this pile of shite anymore, but I can no longer listen to any song by this band, and I hope they no longer release any more music.

2. Photograph, Nickleback – If there is any song that will make me puke uncontrollably, this is it. I even emailed the band, asking them to break up. This song is reminiscent of the time I tore my ACL – excruciatingly painful.

3. Any song by Creed – I had no idea that a band could have a wolf in heat as its lead singer and be successful. Was this group ever capable of writing any music that didn’t lead people to immediate thoughts of suicide. I think the day they broke up was one of the 10 happiest days of my life.

4. The five Led Zeppelin songs that WMMR and WYSP (radio stations in Philly) continually play – C’mon, guys, do we really need to limit this bands greatness to the overplayed crap you continue to feed us. Most young people will probably be amazed that this band had more than one album. I know it is hard to believe, but some fans may actually want to hear some other tracks besides Stairway to Heaven and Casmir.

5. Crazy Train, Ozzy Osbourne – I could’ve listen a handful of others, but this song really does it for me. The second I hear “Alllllllllll Aboard, Ha-ha-ha-ha,” I reach for the radio dial.

6. Any of the five Audioslave songs that are played every half hour – Sure, Chris Cornell is immensely talented, and Rage of the Machine was cool, but my god, one would think that Audioslave and the Foo Fighters were the only two “newer” bands out there. The stations can’t play enough of the singles, and I swear my ears start to bleed each time I hear them.

7. Any song by Coldplay – The constant whining of the lead singer, in conjunction with the same damn piano work in each song makes me want to rip my radio out of the car and set it on fire. Seriously, I wouldn’t f*ck this group with your dick.

I won’t love you guys and gals any less if you like some or all of these songs. I just needed to blog this for some reason. I apologize if I’ve offended your cd or MP3 collection.