Let's Get Physical ...

This past Friday, I had a doctor’s appointment for my annual physical … problem is that I haven’t had an annual physical in about 5 years … oops, has it really been that long? Folks, let me tell you, this visit felt as if I was doing confession at a Catholic church, but the last time I did it was 5 years ago. The doctor came in the room, greeted me warmly, then looked at my chart, and gave me one of those “disappointed” nods. I felt like asking if I should say 5 Hail Mary’s, and then bend over.

The physical went well – I mean the nurse even asked if I worked out, because my blood pressure was 118/70 – I don’t know what those numbers mean, but apparently, that’s pretty good. The doc checked my ears, mouth, and I guess my lungs … apparently, the plumbing is still in good shape.

Now, I decided to confide in my doctor that I’ve had a little problem – nothing I thought was serious. Basically, I’ve developed a rash/discoloration on my back, upper chest, and neck over the past 6 months – not overly noticeable, but still there. It itches a bit, but my skin always itches. The doc took a look at it and said it wasn’t anything big – he said the name of the “disease,” I think it began with an M, and had every letter of the alphabet in it at least once.

What I found out is that I’m kind of like something you’d find at a discount rack … an uneven sweater. I never knew this was even possible, but apparently, I sweat very unevenly across my body, and the ph of the sweat causes the skin to change color slightly … however, because my sweat isn’t evenly distributed, this is why I have “blotches.”

Doc informed me that I could go to a dermatologist, however he wanted me to try something first – he said I should buy some Selson Blue and use it as a lotion on my back, chest and neck … Now, I’m sure we’re all familiar with Selson Blue – apparently, it is much more than a dandruff shampoo – it is very useful to uneven sweaters like me. Who knew? He directed me to apply it every night for a week, and the blotches should disappear. Most likely, I’ll have to continue this “procedure” on a monthly basis.

Doc gave me other examples of “medicines” that were originally developed for one “illness” and were found to work on other “illnesses.” For instance, Rogaine was originally developed for people with high blood pressure. So, not only did I get a physical, but I learned something about Rogaine and Selson Blue … go figure.

Wooooo!

This Saturday night, a great American will be inducted into his “sport’s” hall of fame. This hero has been at or near the top of his “profession” for more than 30 years, and has been recognized as the best in the business by more than a few major publications. Am I talking about some NBA superstar? Nope. How about an MLB ace? Absolutely not! Of course, I’m talkin’ about “The Nature Boy,” Ric Flair!

“Who,” many of you not familiar with the “art” of professional wrasslin’ may be asking yourselves. And now that you know I’m talking about a wrestler, many of you are probably either tuning out or falling asleep. Please, give me a chance!

Let’s just say that Mr. Flair is like the Babe Ruth of the squared circle, or the Wilt Chamberlin of the ring. The guy practically invented “mic skills” in wrestling, and certainly was a trailblazer when it came to ring attire. He was the king of catchphrases before anybody in wrestling knew what they were. Some of his classics include “To be the man, ya gotta be the man,” and “I’m a limosine driving, jet-plane flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ dealin’ son of a gun,” and of course, “Wooooooo!”

The man successfully married charisma and wrestling in-ring skills, and made ring psychologoy an art form. He was really the first bad guy or “heel” that many wrestling fans actually cheered for. His 16 world championships, as well as many other “minor” championships speak for themselves. Sure, when you look at him now, you’ll probably say that he probably should’ve retired at least 10 years ago. Well, maybe you’re right – but the fact is, that this 58-year-old over-the-hill performer is still probably better than many other wrestlers on the WWE roster, and the reason he’s still around is to try and “teach” these punks the ins and outs of being a successful wrassler.

When I first got into watching pro wrestling in the mid 1980’s, it was right during the beginning of the “rock and wrestling” movement, with such stars as Hulk Hogan, Tito Santana, Roddy Piper, Superfly, and Andre the Giant. The WWF was rapidly gaining in popularity, while the other regional promotions were slowly wasting away. The only real competition the WWF had was a group of regional wrestling promotions that “acted” as one promotion under the umbrella of the NWA. Ric Flair was its champion when Hogan reigned in the WWF. The NWA always seemed to be more about wrestling, while the WWF was more about glitz and gimmicks.

I remember absolutely hating Flair at the time because he was a bad guy, and he always seemed to cheat in order to win his matches. In looking back at those times, Flair was a master at his craft – I was supposed to hate the guy, and man, did I ever! Only one other wrestler was able to wrangle that kind of negative emotion out of me – Roddy Piper (he was basically made in the same mold as Flair).

As time went on, I got to appreciate Flair more and more – he had this “bad guy” thing down to a science. He had the fans in the palm of his hand, and he could literally wrestle a broom-stick, and get the broomstick “over” with the fans. His legendary matches with Dusty Rhodes, Ricky Steamboat, Sting, and Randy Savage are probably still being viewed by aspiring wrestlers to this day

In case anyone is interested, the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony will be televised on USA this Saturday night at 11:00 p.m.

Easter Recap

So, my wife and I joined her family for Easter brunch at a place called Meridiths – a fancy little restaurant … and when I say little, I mean small. I enjoyed the spread they had, but why is it that all of these trendy restaurants have to all be so little and poorly laid out? Is this one of the “check-marks” of being trendy? These places end up hauling in as many tables and chairs as possible, making it difficult to just even get to your table, let alone pull the chair out and sit. Couple that with a “buffet-style” brunch, and you’re just asking for collisions involving eggs, sausages, and even salmon. This place also had one “restroom,” which consisted of exactly one toilet and one sink. This was “conveniently” located behind the “maitre-d” podium. For the love of God, let’s put together a more intelligent floor plan, and let’s introduce another bathroom.

My wife and I were invited to my brother’s wife’s parents’ house for Easter dinner later that day. As you may have read in my previous post, I absolutely hate ham, but feel bad about being invited to somebody’s house for Easter dinner, because I know that they have to make concessions for me. The dinner served on Sunday was pork, but I know most of the people there probably would’ve preferred ham. Seriously, just tell me to bring my own hoagie or something like that – I won’t be offended … heck, I love hoagies. Everyone else can enjoy their ham and not have to worry about the one person who can’t stand ham … I don’t mind, I can take care of myself. Cook the ham, dammit!!!!

Other than that, the weekend was uneventful. On Friday, Schue and I did a massive house-cleaning, which brought on a sense of accomplishment for yours truly. Additionally, I FINALLY finished Lego Star Wars … completed 100% of it. It felt like it took forever … thankfully, the game keeps track of how long one plays … I clocked in at just over 67 hours. So, the good news is, I can move onto a new game. The bad news is, I now have to figure out which game that’ll be. Any suggestions (remember, I own a Wii) are appreciated.

Trendy Transformation????

Last weekend, we decided to put together our own St. Patrick’s Day bar tour in Delco. There was already something called “The Blarney Bus” which was a bus service sponsored by 5 local bars (up and down Mac Dade Blvd.), but we decided to take our own bus …. AKA Septa. The bars we chose weren’t on the “Blarney Bus” route, which meant they weren’t as crowded as those aforementioned bars. Plus, they tended to be more like dive bars … which is just the way I like it.

I wanted to point out one bar in particular – The Frontier Saloon, located near rt. 420 and Mac Dade Blvd. The bar fits every definition of a dive bar. Weekend NASCAR races televised on the big screen? Check! A six pack store attached to it, so the party doesn’t have to end at 2:00 a.m.? Check! Pictures of naked Indian chicks inside? Check! A popcorn machine that dispenses free popcorn? You betcha!

However, there was one thing that didn’t fit. The Frontier has decided to try and become a little more upscale, as evidenced by the amazing draft beer selection. Some of the brews included Troegs, Rogue’s Dead Guy Ale, and Blue Moon. These drafts are normally found in the “trendy” areas of Philly, and some of the more upscale places in Delco … certainly not something one would expect to ever be sold at the Frontier. I mean, the normal clientele there thinks Miller High Life in a bottle is upscale.

Which got me to thinking. Is this bar really trying to change its image? If so, what steps will it take? Will it get rid of NASCAR in favor of PBS? What about removing the naked chicks with pictures of people smoking pipes? One thing that makes me think the image won’t change, at least not that rapidly, is a sign I saw at the bar. I kid you not, the sign said “Draft Beer Available To Go.” How is that possible? Are they giving out McDonalds cups? Do you need to bring in your own sippy cup? Is this such a good idea for a bar to be doing?

BTW, if you don’t believe me about that sign, check out my wife’s website at http://schue91.blogspot.com/. Her latest post has lots of pictures of the bar tour, including a picture of us standing next to an ape trying to sell cheese-steaks.

Easter Memories

Since Easter is upon us, I figured I’d “share” some of my most favorite Easter memories.

1. Having to dress up in a tan 3-piece suit as a child that made me look like a slice of poundcake with buttons. I hated this suit with a passion. I’d probably beat myself up if I ever saw myself wearing this suit again. Not only did I have to go to church with this suit, but I also had to search for Easter eggs in my back yard still wearing this ridiculous outfit (and no, Jeff, my parents didn’t make me wear Lederhosen for Easter).

2. Going over my uncle’s house and eating a bowl of ketchup … OK, there’s a story here, and most of you have probably heard it, but let me go over it quickly again. I absolutely hate ham – this has never been a secret in my family. Unfortunately, my aunt and uncle decided that they would not have any alternative dinner choices available for me – no chicken nuggets, no PBJ, no hot dogs, no nothing – just a big ol’ disgusting ham, and some sides. I was so upset by this (I’m a stubborn jerk sometimes), I refused to eat anything. My mom was saying things like, “Well, at least have some corn … or some string beans, or some noodles …” I nixed every suggestion. Finally, somebody at the table sarcastically said, “why don’t you just have a bowl of ketchup,” which was received with a round of laughter. Not to be outdone, I took that person up on the suggestion, and poured myself a bowl of ketchup, and slurped it down with a spoon. That’ll show ‘em!

3. Being absolutely amazed that the Easter Bunny had access to keys to get into our house in order to hid Easter eggs on a rainy day. I may have been around 5 at the time (or maybe younger), and wasn’t excited about getting soaked trying to find those hand-painted (or dyed, or whatever) rabbit eggs. My mom informed me that the bunny somehow got inside and hid the eggs in the basement. At the time, I was excited about the ingenuity and creativeness this hare showed. It would probably freak me out now.

4. Going up to my cousin’s house (he lived up the street) dressed up in some kind of suit … Not a big deal on the surface. However, it was rainy. Still, no big deal. My cousin asked if I wanted to play football … again, wouldn’t have been a big deal if (a) I brought a change of clothes, or (b) if my cousin allowed me to wear some of his clothes. Nope, I played tackle football out in the rain in a dress clothes … I thought I’d be able to dodge people, not get tackled, and stay relatively mud-free. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and I sullied the suit. My mom was so happy to see me that night.

A Really Important Topic

The Rev and I got into an “interesting” conversation during lunch today – I think it started when I noticed that he had not eaten any of his green beans. He informed me that they were “boring.” I suggested dipping them in chocolate or maybe peanut butter, which actually got us to the conversation we had.

Specifically, we heatedly discussed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. First, and foremost, I said, I preferred grape jam, as opposed to jelly, mainly because it spreads more evenly than jelly, which tends to glob up in certain areas. This is probably not an issue to some PB&J “novices,” but I enjoy a consistent jelly/jam flavor throughout the sandwich, and don’t like getting overwhelmed with too much jelly. The Rev wondered aloud how I felt about preserves, but in my 30+ years of PB&J, I don’t think I’ve ever used preserves to go along with peanut butter (in fact, I’m not sure if that’s really even legal).

The second item we talked about was white bread. I’ve discussed this with my wife as well, but I really do think that white bread should be renamed “toast bread.” I’m not really sure why it should be renamed this, other than it is the best tasting toasted bread out there. The Rev brought up wheat bread, but there is seriously no comparison. And that whole grain white bread, while tasting similar to “toast bread,” doesn’t hold up well to toasting.

Speaking of which, my favorite “toast bread” is Maier’s Italian “toast bread.” The Rev claimed that this isn’t really “toast bread,” and more Italian bread. I told him to shut the hell up and finish his green beans.

I love the Feud!

You may be aware from my previous blog postings that I am a big fan of game shows. Specifically, I love funny answers given in game shows. I found a great website that has literally hundreds of funny family feud answers: http://brandon.ikevin.net/feud/index.htm.

I also found some great funny game show moments on Youtube. Just enter “Stupid game show answers,” and you’ll see. Anyway, here is a list of some of my favorite Family Feud answers:

Name something in a bird cage - Hamster

Something you'd find in an operating room - Operator

Something that comes with a summer storm - Snow

One of the three bears - Yogi

A holiday named after a person – January

One of Santa's reindeer - Adolf

Something Russia is famous for - Russians

Something that comes in pairs - Bananas

A job around the house that has to be done every fall - Spring Cleaning

A man's name beginning with the letter K - Kentucky Fried Chicken

The month where a pregnant woman begins to show - September

A Hair-Raising Experience ...

I started looking like a rock-star in recent weeks, so it was time for me to get my monthly (sometimes I get lazy, and it is more like bi-monthly) haircut … sadly, the barber/hairstylist’s job is becoming easier and easier with each malfunctioning hair follicle. I decided I would go at lunch, so that (a) I could get away from my desk, and (b) so I could get it out of the way and play Lego Star Wars on the Wii tonight.

I normally put off getting my haircut until night-time, because I’m usually all itchy back at the office if I get my hair cut at lunch. A couple of things I noticed – first, I didn’t have the same reaction as the guy from the Supercuts commercial (yes, I went to Supercuts), which is “I look awesome!” Now, the haircut wasn’t bad, but I’m seriously wondering if that robot could’ve done about the same (the one that says, “How about a nice number 2” over and over).

Second, I could easily fall asleep with the soothing rhythmic sounds and feel of the electric razor on my neck and sides. I wonder how much it costs to have the lady do that for about an hour … and to think, when I was a kid, I was deathly frightened of those clippers/razors … so much so, that my mom would have to bribe me to sit still (usually, a lollypop would be the ransom I wanted).

Third, I still don’t know if I’m comfortable with that blue “disinfecting” liquid the barbers/hairstylists put all the combs in. I guess it’s really no big deal, but (a) do these places have a lot of customers with rabid head lice, and if that were the case, (b) can I bring in my own comb?

On another note, most barbers/hairstylists are very talkative and are good conversationalists … after my experience with one of the candidates for “Miss Introvert of the Year” today, I really do believe that being talkative should be one of the job requirements of a hairstylist/barber. Sure, there are times I really don’t feel like talking, but when the hairstylist isn’t talking, I get an uneasy feeling. At least she didn’t have any body odor (I’ve been to places in which the barber smells like he just got through playing 5 games of basketball and then decided to roll around in dog-sh*t). Sometimes, you just need to look at the positives, I guess.

Growing up Way Too Fast!

My wife and I were enjoying a glass of wine with dinner the other night, and it reminded me of a time when I was just a youngster. My parents would also enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, and for some reason they allowed me to have just a splash of wine with my ginger ale. This made me feel like a grown-up, as I was eating my chicken nuggets. “Mom, this is really good wine,” was a common response that came from me, as I sipped my Canada Dry and Carlo Rossi concoction. Truthfully, as a child, I really enjoyed the taste of the ginger ale better by itself, but wanted to be more like a grown up.

My parents allowed me to do other grown up things whilst I was a youth. For instance, my parents never thought twice of allowing me to have a cup of coffee for breakfast … folks, I was a hyper 5-year old as it was – the coffee probably didn’t help. Sure, it was probably more like half a cup of milk, half coffee, and about 5 teaspoons of sugar, but still.

My obsession with growing up was insatiable. I remember being at a picnic over my neighbor’s house. The neighbor, who was kind of like the funny guy of the neighborhood, and I got to talking. I was probably around 3 or 4 at the time. I admired his beard, and expressed how I would very much like to grow one myself. The neighbor, without skipping a beat, gave me the “secret” of growing a beard. He said that I needed to rub beer on my face, and this would help stimulate the growth of hair on my face. Heck, the guy could’ve told me to rub dog sh*t on my face, and I probably would’ve believed him. The neighbor, drinking a can of Budweiser, proceeded to pour some of it on my hands, so that I could saturate my cheeks and chin with the cold gold. I never grew the beard, but I’m sure my parents enjoyed the fact that I smelled like the guy at end of any bar.

Do any of you remember stories like this?

A New Type of "Perk"

Many of you may know my issues with work place restrooms – the main issue being that I just don’t find them “private” enough when I have to “drop some rope.” I get severe stage-fright when somebody else walks in while I’m “hangin’ bananas.” My solutions to this problem would probably be costly – basically making each stall it’s on “room” with walls from the floor to the ceiling. Additionally, I’d like to have some sort of white noise in the background to help drown out the grunts and other sounds. But, that’s not really what I’m blogging about today.

I really wish that my company would find a way to provide reading materials in the stalls – now I’m not asking to have newspapers on top of the tank, but I did see a pretty cool idea in a restaurant restroom a little while ago. Specifically, this establishment puts newspaper pages on a wall behind a plastic cover in front of the urinals, giving us the opportunity to catch up on some world events as opposed to just staring at the urine going down the drain.

Couldn’t this be done in the stalls at work? How difficult would this be to do? I’m not asking for a flatscreen monitor on the door of the stall – all I’m asking for is to put new reading material up once a day, or once a week, or something like that. When I worked at Lockheed, I always enjoyed when somebody left the sports section behind in a stall – this would be kind of like that, but I wouldn’t have to worry about who’s hands were touching the paper previously.

Think about it – we could get creative with this, by having one stall dedicated to the sports section, another stall for entertainment, yet another for world news, and so on. Couldn’t this work? Just have the cleaning person replace the old news with new news when he/she is cleaning the toilets? I don’t think this would cost much more, would it? One of the “lesser publicized” benefits would be that people would no longer have to put a newspaper in their armpits on the way to “drop a deuce.”

On another tangent, maybe we could do something creative with the urinals – like having pee races, kind of like what is done with water guns at carnivals – have a line of cars that race their way to the top of the bathroom, and have this directly related to how much urine is released into the urinal. Tell me this wouldn’t be fun?

The Annual 4+ Hours of Hell...

My parents have done and continue to do so much for me, that I could never turn down their request that I (and Sue) attend the annual “Vereinigte Saenger – Saengerbund,” event. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? So, what exactly is this, you may be asking. In a nutshell, members of different German choruses throughout the Philadelphia area get together and perform classic German songs. My dad is part of one of these groups, the Delaware Saengerbund – spending a day with the family and watching my dad perform is the least I could do …

But man, it ain’t easy, folks. First of all, mom and dad treat us to a late lunch (or early dinner) at the Cannstatter (the German club). At one time, the food there was excellent … sadly, that was a long time ago. The salad is set up “banquet style,” in which you go up to a buffet table, and scoop lettuce out of a large steel bowl that is sitting in a tub of ice. Toppings and salad dressing are available next to the tub, but the “Chef’s special” salad dressing looks as if it was already digested once.

The soup is ok, but let’s face it – it’s kind of tough to screw up soup, right? I ordered the prime rib, which unfortunately probably should’ve been renamed prime-fat. Amazingly enough, the chef was able to completely overcook one side, and barely heat the other side – a culinary feat! Oh, and it took more than an hour to even get the food – it was as if the chef was outside locating the road-kill to cook for this splendid meal.

The waitress was about as friendly and welcoming as a lake filled with piranhas, and her knowledge of the beer selection was akin to a five-year-old’s knowledge of driving a MAC truck. Oh, and I told you this was a German club/restaurant, right? Well, at one point, I actually heard La Cucaracha playing over the loudspeaker – I was informed by my uncle (hopefully jokingly) that it was originally a German song – my brother said it was originally titled “Das Cucaracha.”

But, as bad as the dinner was, the actual concert was even more brutal. There were six German groups, ranging from old to ancient. Some groups were better than others, but none were great. The only thing that got us through the event was the notes my brother, wife, and I made on each of the performances. Hopefully, my brother kept the notes – I’ll try to scan them and post them … I think you’ll get a laugh.
Again, I’m happy to do this once a year for my parents … thankfully, it is only once a year.

A Couple of Things ...

Ray-Ray came over my house on Monday night, mainly because he wanted to watch the Flyers, and he still doesn’t have cable TV in his new house (the township is apparently jerking his chain with regards to allowing him to get Verizon cable services – a whole other story).

Anyway, while he was over, we decided to do a podcast. Much like the first one I did with Slant, this one starts out kind of slow – we talk about the difficulties associated with being a Philadelphia sports fan, and the steroids issue. But towards the end, it gets really funny – Ray-Ray came up with an interesting game, which resulted in some pretty funny responses, in addition to the time I went to a John Tesh concert (no, I’m not gay).

We’re definitely going to add more structure to the podcast in the near future, plus, we’ll hopefully get the Rev involved again to make it sound more professional. Check out the podcast (if you have any interest at all) at: http://losrulz2002.podomatic.com/

On a side note, I am going to be a special “guest” on the Pork and Beans podcast. We’ll be talking about some classic Commodore 64 games – if you remember this system, you may want to have a listen - not sure when Beans will be posting the new episode.
Check it out at: http://porkandbeans.podomatic.com/.

Who ... Does ... Number ... 2 ... Work ... For?

In addition to the quote list, I put together a “number 2” list. For those of you who aren’t good with numbers, it’s a list of different phrases used for taking a dump. I have about 126 of these – I wanted to share with you my favorites. If there are any you’d like to share, please feel free to do so (and if you don’t mind, I’ll add them to my list). Oh, and if you’re interested in looking over all of them, you can find them here: http://losrulz.tripod.com/

· "I just mailed a turd to the sewer using Crapper's Same-Day Delivery."
· "I'm gonna pay a visit to the Angry Chair.”
· "I've got a meeting to attend at the oval office."
· "I'm gonna go lob one at the pipes."
· "I just returned from hangin' bananas."
· "I have to unleash the party snakes."
· "I just planted some toilet corn."
· "I'm going to solid fart."
· "I'm going to 'give the brown tongue.'"
· "Time to go drown some brown."
· "I was just haulin' a turd trailer."
· "I just flew the toilet kite."
· "I just dropped mud."
· "I'm going to make rotten apples."
· "I just dropped some rope."
· "I was just in the fecal position."
· “I ripped off some tree bark."
· "I have to go feed the dung beetles."
· "I just created some dark matter."
· "I just 'Clubber Langed' the toilet."
· "I went to the Commode County Fair this morning and made Brown Funnel Cake."
· "I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl."
· "I have to download a fecal file.""I have a runner in scoring position."

So, I’ve neglected my quote list … “what quote list?” you may be asking … Well, ever since college, I’ve been keeping a quote list – which is comprised of the funniest and/or stupidest (is that even a word?) quotes I’ve ever heard. Barbara Peapod actually listed a few of them a few weeks ago, and it motivated me to start keeping track of stupid quotes again. I was just going through the list again … and I’m having trouble breathing I’m laughing so hard. I’m going to throw out 10 funny quotes and few thoughts about each of these. Hopefully, you’ll find the humor in them as well. Oh, and if you’re interested in looking over all of them, you can find them here: http://losrulz.tripod.com/

1. "Hey Big Oren, where's the chicken?" – This was a gem from Mung, one of my college roommates. We were in Cleveland last Spring, and we were stumbling out of a bar. Mung, as usual, was hungry, and immediately assumed the closest passerby (a) was named Oren, and (b) knew where we could find some good chicken.

2. What's your favorite Italian food?" "French Bread." – My wife, Schue, and I were having a conversation about Italian food. I had mentioned that I’m not a big fan of Italian food. This is when she asked me this question.

3. “Just because he looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, doesn’t mean Smokin’ can clean like her.” – My friend Ray-Ray commenting on the Rev’s house.

4. "A funny odor? What, did a clown fart?" – My friend Ink came up with this beauty. Now, when anybody says they smell something funny, I picture Krusty lifting his leg.”

5. "I have a math party to go to." "I hope they are serving pi." – My friend Walt is a math teacher. He mentioned that he had a math party to go to. I love puns and couldn’t resist.

6. "I forgot my belt today. Thank goodness I'm fat." – Hey, what good are you if you can’t make fun of yourself?

7. "The French are tampons ... stuck-up p*ssies." – My friend Rob came up with this zinger … well, I’m not sure if he was the first to ever utter these words, but it’s the first time I’VE ever heard it.

8. "All this talk about death is making me hungry." – We were having this intense talk about death right before lunch this one time …

9. "I'm so white, I create problems on dance floors." – Unless, of course, they are playing a Rolling Stones song.

10. "Gimme the Glug, the Skog and the Unk." – Mung talking about shopping at Ikea.

Odds and Ends ...

1. You would think that I’d be able to enjoy President’s Day by sleeping in .... Nope, Modern Exterminator made sure that this wasn’t the case – the exterminator called me at 7:00 in the morning on Monday to see if he could “service the house” sometime between 10 and 12. This company must be in dire need of money if THEY are calling THEIR customers! Could you imagine if Comcast Cable was this proactive (or gave this much of a rat’s ass about its customers)? Anyway, just another reason to thank my wife for paying the $500 to kill a mouse …

2. I’ve probably discussed this before, but do you think David Grohl is the happiest person alive for the demise of Nirvana? Cobain seemed a little to self centered – always complaining about the strain of music pressure on himself, but never acknowledging the band. Cobain complained that HE had to be the creative one to come up with the music, and sometimes he wished somebody else could help him write. Obviously, he really knew his bandmates well, for all he had to do was look over his shoulder at his own friggin’ drummer for assistance … but that probably would’ve cramped his “legendary” style.

3. So, there was a time when sports was an escape for all of us, right? But, with the whole steroids situation in baseball, and the Spygate situation in football, what do we as fans do now? Thanks to these situations, anytime a team or individual reaches some sort of milestone, we’ll have to question it, and really won’t be able to appreciate it for what it is.

4. I decided to watch the movie Reno 911 – Miami this weekend. Now, let me set this up for you. First of all, I am NOT a fan of the Comedy Central tv show. The camera style used in the show is kind of annoying to me, and the few episodes I did sit through produced nothing more than a few chuckles. But let me tell ya, the movie IS VERY funny. It’s as if professional writers actually did the script, a professional director ran the movie, and professional camera people were hired. Also, there were quite a few funny cameos in this surprisingly good flick. Maybe I’ll have to give the tv show another chance … maybe.

A New Discovery ...

I came to a conclusion a few weeks ago at work, after much “picking.” Before your dirty minds start cranking out ideas, I’ll let you in on it - I think I may have purchased the absolute worst boxer briefs ever made. Sorry to all those folks who were disappointed by this revelation.
You’re probably wondering how I was able to come to such a conclusion … either that, or you really don’t care so much about my underwear trials and tribulations (and if that’s the case, I really don’t blame you). I’ve been spending an enormous amount of time throughout the day pulling out these enormous wedgies that I’ve been getting. It’s as if these boxers were cookies and my ass was the Cookie Monster, either that or my ass has been like a vacuum cleaner, sucking up the lint … which of course is being represented by these boxer briefs.

I remember buying said underwear at a department store a few months ago, opting to buy the brand that was a couple of dollars less. If anything, I learned a VERY important lesson that day, my friends – there are some items which one should not spare expense on. Actually, I’ve known about some of these for quite some time – items such as trash bags and shoes quickly come to mind. Well, congratulations boxer briefs, for you have finally made this exclusive list!

I would estimate that I pick this wedgie about 5 times a day, and I may be a little conservative with this estimate. The more embarrassing thing is that I’ve been caught picking my wedgie on numerous occasions. It’s a tough thing to brush off, and it’s really difficult to make out like you were doing something else (for instance, when you trip while you are walking, sometimes you can pretend that you were jogging). I’m probably known in some circles of the office as Mr. Wedgie, or something like that … all because I wanted to save a few bucks on underwear.

On a side note, one truly underratedly good feeling is the feeling you get after pulling a wedgie out of your ass. Some words that don’t fully describe this feeling include satisfaction, freedom, and invincibility.

Mr. Trendy ...

I may or may not have blogged about this before – so if I did, I apologize. My wife and I got into talking about my parents – specifically my mom. When I was growing up, my mom often dressed in weird outfits, such as lederhosen, and plaid suits that Danny Terio probably wouldn’t even wear. As an aside (or not), my parents have always been frugal with money – this is what happens when you grow up in Germany during World War 2, and the massive depression that followed.

Anyway, because of this, the clothes my mom got me tended to be on the … let’s say … cheaper side. I’m pretty sure my parents could’ve afforded much better clothes for their kids at this point, but sometimes frugality sticks with you. And hey, my parents are awesome, and have done a lot for me over the years, so I can’t hardly hold it against them. And besides, they have produced some gut-busting stories.

Well, I decided to do a search to see if I could find any information on some of these “brand-name” clothes and shoes my mom would buy for me. I stumbled across something sort of interesting – another blogger had blogged about one of my blog posts about these weird brands (he did this in November, 2006). I was kind of flattered by this – and I wish I would’ve known about this complement back then! Here’s the site – you need to scroll to the bottom to see the reference to me: http://www.namedevelopment.com/blog/archives/2006/11/default.html

Sadly, I couldn’t find any pictures of Smacks Jeans, Uncle Charlies pants, or Big Yanks corduroys. I also couldn’t find any pics of the red Copa 83 sneakers, or the $4.00 brown Nado Super Primos kicks my mom was able to find at a local grocery store. But, I did remember a few other “interesting” stories. For instance, my mom bought me a few pairs of “Traxx” sneakers from K-mart back in the day. Not only couldn’t they spell the damn name right, they had that ridiculous Velcro strap (as opposed to the shoelaces that normal sneakers require). You can probably imagine the coolness that oozed from me as I walked the middle school hallways in my Smacks jeans and Traxx kicks.

It didn’t stop there. Remember those Kangaroos sneakers – you know, the ones with the zippers on the side? What a novel idea! You could fit about 2 quarters in those pockets, if you were lucky … and you know what, I did. I would go to the arcades, and instead of putting the money in my pant pockets, which would’ve been much easier, I stuck them in my sneakers, so I would have to bend all the way over and unzip them in order to get quarters to play the arcade games … basically, stretching the limits of my Uncle Charlies brown pants. I’m surprised I wasn’t shoved in lockers back at school. Now, in researching on the internet, it seems that the “Roos” are still pretty popular in certain parts of the world …maybe I was a trend-setter, or something … probably not.

Rodenticide ...

So, you may or may not have heard about our little mouse problem we’ve had for the past 4 months or so. If not, basically, my wife saw a mouse walk across our living room floor, she freaked (Mariah Carey was jealous on how high my wife was able to scream), stayed over her parents’ place for 2 days, called an exterminator, and paid the guy $500 to tell us that he didn’t see any mice ..., oh, he did put some traps around the place (basically, just little boxes with poison in them), and gave us some advice on how to “secure” our house.

In the past 4 months, we’ve seen a mouse on a handful of occasions, which, of course prompted the same glass shattering yelp from my wife. One time, I was so fed up with the mouse, that I got a hammer, and started hammering the closet floor in the hopes of splattering the varmint. I missed him, he took off down the hall, and my glasses flew from my face. Thankfully, this moment of comedy was enough to calm my wife down.

We hadn’t seen the mouse since … until last night. We were in our basement after a busy night of hanging with family and friends (two different get-togethers). We had just gotten new furniture for our basement (my wife says our basement no longer looks like a college dorm … sigh). We were hanging our, unwinding, watching some tv, listening to some music, and having a few final beers. My wife initially noticed a foul odor coming from behind the bar … weird, because I was nowhere near there. I went back there too, and smelled it – I immediately thought that our mouse friend had finally kicked the bucket, but we couldn’t locate him (I thought that maybe he died underneath the bar).

I went back and sat on the couch, while my wife continued inspecting … then, she unfortunately found it … I could tell because of the blood that was flowing from my ears thanks to a shriek that wolves in the Poconos could hear (eminating from the throat of my wife). The mouse had indeed died, but that wasn’t the funny thing (wait, is that even funny?). The location of where the mouse did was ironic, and quite hysterical. The critter kicked the bucket on the picture of ham that my friends at Lockheed had purchased for me (it wasn’t on the wall, because my wife had accidentally knocked it off the wall a few months ago). It goes to prove my point about how disgusting ham is.

Other Things ...

A few more fleeting thoughts …

1. One morning/afternoon, after a long night of drink….er, I mean, studying, a few of my college roommates/friends and I went down to a diner to eat a late breakfast. One of my “intelligent beyond his years” roommates quipped that he thought it would be a great idea if somebody developed a nutrient enriched beer. The rest of us grunted and snorted, as we emptied the breakfast contents of our plates down our collective gullets. None of us thought this was a particularly good, or interesting idea, at the time.

Sure, we still haven’t seen a nutrient enriched beer hit the market (might be a good thing, because I would probably die of being too fit, if that were the case), but Coke has a nutrient enriched cola on the market now. Aside from it being one step closer to the aforementioned beer, where the hell was this idea when I was a 2-3 can soda junkie back when I was a teenager?


2. A few of my friends scoffed at me for rooting for the Giants in the Super Bowl last weekend … basically saying that I wasn’t a real Eagles fan if I rooted for the Giants. In all honesty, I was more rooting against the Patriots (check), and also rooting for an entertaining football game (double check). Now that Jeremy Shockey is hurt, the Giants are a lot easier to root for, even with their annoying fans (hey, they’re a lot like us … without the heartache and heartburn of never winning a Super Bowl). I think the ultimate culprit in the Patriots’ loss was the Patriots (Karma played a humiliating game of testicle tennis with them).


3. Is anybody else giving anything substantial up for Lent? I always have a tough time picking something, and once again, I don’t think I’m really giving anything up for Lent. I know, I know, I probably should, but hey – isn’t this part of the Catholic religion? I’m a Lutheran, which means that I am a natural slacker.

4. Speaking of being Lutheran, we don’t quite celebrate Ash Wednesday, certainly not like some religions, in which one gets ash put on his/her forehead, resembling a cross. I always forget about this, and am initially shocked when I see people walking around looking as if somebody decided to put out his/her cigarette on their skull.

More Stuff ....

A few more random thoughts …

1. I loved the Super Bowl – I’m not a fan of either team, but that was one heckuva 4th quarter – sometimes, that’s all you can ask for.

2. The writers’ appears to be almost over, thankfully. Unfortunately, it took some casualties already … like the second half of The Office, 24, and about ½ of the Lost episodes. It seems like these shows have been replaced by yet even more reality shows … book sales must be up, though.

3. Was it me, or did it look as if Tom Petty is slowly starting to morph into Bob Dylan. Petty put on a decent half-time show, but the man has about as much stage presence as bird gravel.

4. Super Tuesday came and went … you know, maybe I don’t pay enough attention to politics, but has Super Tuesday always been a big deal? I’m waiting for Tostitos to buy the rights to this.

5. The Super Bowl commercials were a let-down as usual. There were a few funny commercials, though – like the one with Alice Cooper and Richard Simmons, or the Pepsi commercial with Christ Kattan, or the e-trade commercial with the baby that puked. I bet the sponsors were pissed when the Giants opened the game with an 8+ minute drive.

6. Will Farrell + semi pro basketball league = funny?

7. I wonder if there are bets out there as to who will be doing the Super Bowl halftime show next season. Here are a few bands that should NEVER be allowed to play: Creed, 3-Doors Down, Train, and Creed … wait, did I say Creed twice? Well, they REALLY shouldn’t be allowed to play.

8. Apparently, there is some super stomach virus going around – giving people the runs, a bad fever, and the power vomits for a few days. Please, don’t let me get this!

9. I heard somewhere that Tom Hanks was originally considered to play Bill Murray’s character in Groundhog Day … I think they made the right choice. Al Pacino was apparently supposed to play Han Solo in Star Wars … again, the right choice was made. The role of Cameron Fry in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was originally offered to Anthony Michael Hall … thankfully (not for him), he declined. Weird.