What Side Effects???

It’s almost football season again … and you know what that means …. An incessant amount of commercials about drugs for ailments we didn’t even know were real illnesses! “Do you burp? Well, have we got a cure for you!” Wait a minute … burping is an illness? Man, then my burping illness must be in the advanced stages!

Seriously, we Americans must be the biggest hypochondriacs in the whole world … either that, or these drug companies are successfully implementing hypnotic suggestion in their commercials.

But, I love watching these commercials. Why? Because I enjoy how the first half of the commercial is about how great the drug is, and the second half of the commercial consists of the narrator reading a list of potential side effects while the video is of the person enjoying his/her time frolicking in a country field. Seriously, have you heard some of these side effects?

For instance, Lipitor is a pretty popular drug on the market right now. It apparently helps to lower cholesterol … which is fine, if you don’t mind the breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, which can lead to kidney failure. Seriously, I’m not making this up!

How about Flonase? Sure, this one helps with chronic nasal congestion. The only thing you have to worry about is severe or ongoing nose bleed, vision problems, sores in the nose that won't heal, fever, chills, body aches, or flu symptoms. You know what, I think I’ll breathe out of my mouth, thank you!

You can find out more about prescription drugs here, if you want: http://www.drugs.com/alpha/f1.html

Office Clowners!

I don’t know if you’ve ever popped over to the office clowning blogsite that I have on my blog roll, but these guys are absolutely amazing (in my humble opinion). Sure, I know them very well, as I was once part of their office-clowning … er … shenanigans (translation – I worked with them), but still.

My wife Schue and I were perusing office clowning once again, and couldn’t stop laughing. Particularly funny was the “My Name is Los” pic they recently did. These guys are pretty darn good with Photoshop, and think outside the box with regards to photo-doctoring.

I wanted to give them a shout-out because (a) they spend lots of their work-days hard at work ... with this, and (b) because I miss those sumbitches! Here are a few of my favorites (of, course, these all include me … deal with it).



Me, demonstrating my soccer skills ...




My Name is Los





The blockbuster comedy of 2007, Knocked Up!


Others, I liked:

A Pleasant Surprise ...

Have you ever come across a movie you never heard about, watched it, and absolutely loved it? Yeah, me too – movies like National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, High Fidelity, and Grandma’s Boy are a few of the more recent ones that fit this bill for me. I have another one to add to the list, thanks to my brother. You are all probably at least remotely familiar with the Onion website, right? It’s really just a “faux” news site, that is downright brilliant and hysterical (www.theonion.com for those unfamiliar).

Well, apparently, these geniuses put together a movie back in 1993, but never released it, partly due to the poor feedback they were receiving from private screenings. They sat on the movie until this year, and released it on DVD in June, to really not much fanfare.

This past weekend, in Rehobeth, my brother told me about the movie, and as luck would have it, he had acquired it. I didn’t really have high hopes for the flick, considering I heard nothing about it, but he assured me it was a riot. So, we decided to watch it, and I was more than pleasantly surprised – this movie was a laugh a minute … much like the website.

This movie, in my opinion, is comparable to The Kentucky Fried Movie (and if you haven’t seen this yet, stop reading and rent it, dammit!). There are a lot of little “vignettes” tied together in a newscast … and yes, there is a storyline, although it is really not important. I won’t give too much away, other than Steven Seagall is in the movie, and basically spoofs himself.

If you get a chance, rent this – if you have a good sense of humor, and are not easily offended, you’ll love this. If you are an activist of any kind, you’ll probably want to stay away from it … of course, if you were an activist, you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog, right?

Rehobeth ...

You know what – I still got PVD, or post-vacation depression. Usually, this condition lasts for a few days and then gradually subsides, but I’m still saying things like, “you know, two Sundays ago, we were at the Sunburn Bar watching the Philadelphia Soul win the championship.” Well, sometimes you need a little “hair of the dog that bit ya,” and that is exactly what we got this past weekend.

My wife Schue and I went down to Rehobeth Beach to meat up with my brother, his wife, and his wife’s sister – their parents have a place not too far from the beach and they invited us down. I’ve realized something – GOD I LOVE VACATION! Traffic to Rehobeth wasn’t too bad on Saturday morning – sure there were some slow spots, especially as you enter the town on Route 1.

We got there a little before 11, and it wasn’t too long before we were on the road to the beach. This must’ve been one of the busiest weekends of the year in Rehobeth because the traffic was brutal. In talking with my brother, he said that a lot of new developments were built over the last few years, but the town’s short-sighted government decided against upgrading the support infrastructure … translation – the town decided not to expand any of the two-lane roads into four-lane roads, and no parking garages were built to accommodate the increase in visitors, making the task of finding a parking spot near the beach a near impossibility. Plus, most of the parking spots are metered – and the meters cost 25 cents for 10 minutes! However, Rehobeth does not require beach tags, so I guess it all evens out.

The beach itself was ridiculously crowded – beach umbrellas as far as the eye could see … in a way, it looked like a giant mushroom patch. I guess we were spoiled in the Outer Banks, because the beach was never THAT packed, and the traffic was non-existant. Still, the weather was perfect, we found a nice spot, and had a great few hours basking in the sun. By the way, the water was REALLY cold - and you men know that the toughest part about getting into the water is when the water rises about your “wedding tackle.”

After the beach, we walked down to the boardwalk area of Rehobeth, and went to the Purple Parrot for a late lunch (or as our friend Andy says it – “Dunch,” which is a combination of lunch and dinner). I had the Pot Roast hoagie – I highly recommend it, by the way! We spent some more time walking around the boardwalk, going into some local shops, and playing some games (winning some cheap stuffed animals).

Later that night, we went to the Am-Vets – my brother’s wife and her sister are members. The alcohol is cheap, and the entertainment is “interesting.” You only have to get passed the smoke-filled haze of the bar, but it is a ton of fun – we played some shuffle bowl, and pool …I had a hankering to play one of the slot machines there, but everyone else was ready to leave (which is probably a good thing).

On the ride home, we were making great time, until we hit a major rain/hail storm that slowed us down a bit. Still, we had a fantastic time … someday, when I win the Powerball, maybe I’ll get a place down the beach … sigh.

Top Ten List ...

I got to thinking about my blog and what other things I wanted to do with it – maybe have some sort of themes (there was a time when I posted pics and asked for the best captions). I think I came up with something that might or might not be funny. It’s a little hard to explain, but I guess it can be best compared to a top 10 list, but I’ll be focusing on (hopefully) topics that Letterman doesn’t. I’ll give it a whirl, and you can let me know what you think, or even offer suggestions on other topics.

First topic: Things you probably shouldn’t say while you’re dancing with a girl:

10. So, what did you do with the money your mom gave you for dancing lessons?
9. I learned all my best moves from Michael Jackson.
8. Do you wanna have a Moonwalk contest?
7. Last time I saw moves like that was whilst watching a guy have a heart attack.
6. Wow, you must be something in bed!
5. You should see my “It’s Raining Men” dance routine!
4. So, do you have a daughter?
3. You dance pretty well for an ugly chick!
2. I haven’t danced this close with a woman since I hokey-pokeyed with my mom.
1. Seriously, you need to drink less/more.

Scratch That ...

The last post was a post about the first crush I had … at least I thought that was my first crush. I actually had interest in girl years before Kathy … her name was Phadra – I’m really not sure how to spell it, as I was only 5 when she moved into my neighborhood. Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t as if I, at the ripe old age of 5, was interested in having “relations” with this girl, but she was the first girl I knew who I actually wanted to hang out with.

Honestly, I really don’t know much about her, other than she was funny, and liked to do things I did – which basically consisted of trying to catch crayfish in the creek in my back yard. Unfortunately, I had a nemesis – his name was Bill, and it wouldn’t be the first time the two of us would fight over a “woman.”

Bill had a distinct advantage over me – his family owned a swimming pool. That’s a huge advantage for a 5-year-old. Seriously – Phadra had to choose between getting dirty trying to catch god-knows-what in the creek, or taking a plunge in a swimming pool … complete with a volleyball net.

The choice was pretty simple … or at least it seemed that way on paper. However, I did have one thing going for me – my advanced sense of humor, and the uncanny ability to make Phadra laugh. Sure, sometimes Phadra chose the pool, but more times than not, she hung out with me.

For some reason, Bill, Phadra and I never really came to the conclusion that it would be good for the three of us to hang out. I think that Phadra liked the attention she got and the competition she created. Bill and I, unfortunately, didn’t learn from this, as we had another fight over a girl in the 7th grade … this time the stakes were a little bigger than just a swim in the pool … eh, a story for another time.

Phadra and her mom only lived in our neighborhood for a year or two – I’m not really sure where they moved to or what ever happened to her. I think she and her mom may have stopped by our house a few years after they moved, but by then, the magic was gone, and Bill and I could resume being friends.

My First Crush ...

After getting back from the Outer Banks, I got talkin' to my friend Slant about relationships with girls. It got me to thinking – I’ve had some really “interesting” girlfriends … and even girls I had crushes on. Like for instance, I remember very well the first crush I had. I was in 6th grade, and had just freshly retired my Super Friends lunch box in favor of the more socially accepted brown bag. That’s right, I was starting to become an adult, and quite naturally, Cupid would eventually point his love arrow my way (wait, that didn’t sound very good).

The girl’s name was Kathy, and she had recently moved back to my school district – she was in my Kindergarten class all those years ago (about 6 years ago, actually). I immediately felt a tingling in my heart … all of the sudden, girls no longer had cuties. In looking back, Kathy really wasn’t a knockout … she had dirty blonde hair … so dirty in fact, that she was kept home from school because of a case of head lice … no matter – I still had tingles for her.

Unfortunately, my mom was right in the middle of a run of bad clothing purchases for me – clothes like Uncle Charlie’s and Smacks pants, the fire-engine red Copa 83 and brown Nado Super Primo sneakers – I didn’t stand a chance with Kathy. Somehow, it got leaked to her that I liked her … she never gave me a second look. I was crushed … and I soon realized why they called them crushes.

I remember looking at our 5th grade yearbook longingly at the picture of Kathy. I had the full-blown crush … loss of appetite, even with my mom’s patented peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Herr’s potato chips, Kit Kat bar, and Capri Sun drink. I couldn’t think straight in class, and felt dizzy anytime that I saw her in the hallway. One time, she was walking down the hallway in one direction … alone … and I was walking in the other direction … alone … I thought I was going to pass out … and I probably would have if she made eye contact with me … which she sadly didn’t.

I’m not really sure what I would’ve done if she had agreed to go out with me. Maybe I would’ve met her at the mall and bought her a soft pretzel and possibly an Icee … if I had enough money in my brown soccer wallet. Maybe we would’ve danced real slow together at the middle-school dances that were held 3 times a year. Or maybe we could play kick the can or freeze tag with my neighborhood buddies.

As it turned out, it was probably for the best – Kathy began smoking and drinking in the 7th grade. The closest I ever came to drinking at that point was when my parents allowed me to have a splash of wine with my ginger ale at the dinner table … there was no way I could or even wanted to compete with that.