Wednesday, August 30, 2006

My Weekend, Part 2

Smokin’s Engagement Party:
I just wanted to thank Smokin’ and Soni for inviting my wife and me to their engagement party on Sunday. It was wonderful meeting all of Soni’s family for the
first time – they are all very nice people. One funny note – when we were getting our appetizers, the man in charge of the buffet said that we were not allowed to
use the plates, but had to use the salad bowls for the appetizers … normally, this wouldn’t bother me, except there were like 300 plates on the table, easily enough
plates for appetizers and the lunch. I’m wondering, are bowls easier to clean than plates? Please help me out on this one …

On Saturday evening, we celebrated my brother’s 25th birthday at a bar called The Frontier Saloon in Holmes. I’ve only really been to this place a handful of times, most recently during our last bar tour and bachelor party. It is your typical hole-in-the wall, with cheap drinks and cheap food. But, there are some “nuances” I need to discuss. First, there are two pictures of American Indian women on the back wall –
every half-hour or so, the cloth on these pictures disappears and the women are naked … so I’m guessing that political correctness is not high on the list of
priorities at this place. Also, this bar is a NASCAR haven in Delaware County (I guess this also shouldn’t be a surprise to me, considering the pictures of the

As luck would have it, there was a NASCAR race that night, and the bar had additional specials, such as $1.00 pints of everything (well, Moosehead was $1.25 –
I guess the quarter covered importing), and $1.00 bottles. Additionally, they had a raffle, in which one would receive 3 tickets for $2.00. The raffle is done when there is an accident in the NASCAR race – Really, I can’t make this stuff up.

Additionally, the bar hands out 1 ticket a person for another raffle, in which they raffle off NASCAR related stuff – t-shirts, hats, key-chains … the typical crap. During our bar-tour, my brother somehow was able to fix the raffle (by taking the raffle bucket, and eliminating most of the tickets in there but ours – it is amazing what one can do when he/she is drunk). During that time, my brother won a blow-up
NASCAR (not sure how many “inputs”), a NASCAR basketball (again, I can’t make this up), and a bunch of NASCAR keychains and stickers. Last night, our group won a Budweiser Racing T-shirt, and an Eagles fold-up chair.

While we were “watching” the race (I have about as much interest in NASCAR as I have in the WNBA), and drinking, of course, my brother and I started getting into a conversation about NASCAR – specifically, the fact that NASCAR isn’t very friendly to people other than white people. I think in the history of NASCAR, there have only been 2 black racers (neither of which raced very often). We decided that this was a
travesty, and came up with an idea.

Let me preface this by saying (A) I am very much against racial prejudice (I think a person who decides if he/she likes a person based on skin color is an asshole – just sayin’), and (B) when we had this conversation, we were pretty drunk.

With that being said, we thought it would be a great idea if BET or the new CW channel would come up with the BLASCAR circuit, to combat NASCAR. Now, it would be a race, but that would probably be the only similarity between BLASCAR and NASCAR. Instead, points are given to the coolest “hoopties,” the loudest base sound, fattest grille, and stuff like that. Racing is strictly secondary. In fact, this race would probably more resemble a parade than anything. Of course some of the race names would be the “Compton 300,” “The Detroit 500,” and “The Camden 400.” I would probably
watch this.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

My Weekend, Part 1

I had a very "interesting" weekend all around. I have so much to write about that I have to break it up into two parts (the second part will be posted on Wednesday). Enjoy:


A limousine filled with 2 heterosexual couples, a homosexual couple, and two sisters – sound like an interesting time? Don’t answer that! We celebrated my wife’s friend’s birthday in style on Friday night (obviously, she is also my friend), by renting a limo for 5+ hours, and driving to a bunch of bars/clubs throughout the Philly. We went to typical places one would expect to go to in the City of Brotherly Love that night – places in Manayunk, Center City, and Old City – all kinds of places, from fancy (Tangerine, Derricks), to laid back (The Cherry Street Tavern) – drinking everything from beer to Martinis and wine.

By about 12:30 a.m., we were pretty drunk, but really not all that bad. The gay couple (I’m not sure if that is PC, but I mean nothing negative by it) wanted to go to a gay bar called Woody’s (can’t make that one up, folks) – hey I’ve never been to one of these places before, but I’m willing to try anything. We get in there, and immediately, it felt like the record skipped – this is probably not going to be quite what I expected. The place seemed nice enough, just tons of well-dressed men talking extremely close to one-another.

I went to the bathroom – probably a mistake on my part. I felt many, many eyes on me, and I ended up getting stage-fright. For you straight guys who may, for some reason, find yourself at a gay bar, it is probably best to go to the bathroom in numbers greater than 1. I felt like a piece of meat (a good cut, obviously).

When I got out of the bathroom, I went to the bar with the other straight guy in our group. For some reason, the bartender refused to serve him, because he was “too intoxicated.” In looking around the place, I noticed many, many people that were not only more intoxicated than us, but also high as a kite. I “understood” immediately, that we really weren’t welcome here. Of course, the gay couple in our group immediately blended in with the other “patrons” of the establishment.

Then, I went to look for my wife, and found her and the birthday girl being confronted by two security guys (also queer as a three dollar bill). The security guard informed them that THEY were also too drunk, and asked them to leave the premises. The birthday girl was NOT AT ALL pleased with this, as even though she was a little tipsy, by no means was she THAT drunk. She began yelling and cursing at these two guards, asking what the hell she did so wrong that she was being asked to leave. The guards offered her no other reason, other than being too drunk.

I decided to follow them out, as I did not want to be the only straight guy left in a place called Woody’s. I have these visions of these guys tying me up to a wall and playing “Pin the Tail on the Hetero,” only they wouldn’t be using tails.

As we were being escorted out, the birthday girl got more heated, and started calling the security guards “pickle chuggers!” I think I may have heard this term once in my life prior to this occasion, and hey – I don’t normally condone name-calling and attacks to a person’s race, religion, or sexual preference … however, the term pickle chugger was hysterical. She was screaming this at the top of her lungs … and I had to pull her aside and inform her that she may be offending the 1000+ pickle chuggers on the inside of the bar. Needless to say, they called the cops on us, and we were told by the men in blue to leave or get arrested. We chose to leave (thankfully).

But, the bottom line on this is, we were mistreated by a segment of the population that I thought would not be capable of this (considering that they most likely know how it feels to be discriminated against). I was standing right near these two security pickle-chuggers (sorry, I couldn’t resist), and they started making snide comments about the birthday girl. I immediately got in their faces and told them to shut the f**k up. One of the security guards said something to the effect of “We can talk about anybody we want, and we don’t need to listen to your kind.” Oh, that’s right – get the German blood flowing, guys – that’s a real good idea … especially considering that I’ve already filled the tank with fuel (alcohol). I must’ve hulked up or something, because a roar, that started in the pit of my stomach made it’s way up my esophagus, through my mouth, and scared the living piss out these guys – they immediately stopped talking, and hung their heads the rest of the time I was there.

So, to recap, not only did I go to a gay bar, but I got kicked out of one for not being gay … I love this country! On a funny side note, my wife, the next morning, said “I found it strange that there were really only guys inside that gay bar,” to which I responded, “Honey, it’s called Woody’s, not Clam’s.”

Funny Wife Comment:
I was clipping coupons (they probably would’ve served me at Woody’s had they known that tidbit), when I came across a coupon for Vagisil. I asked my wife if she needed any, to which she responded, “I’ve seen you scratching your balls a lot, maybe they should come out with a product called ‘Testisil.’” That’s my baby!

Funny Comment To My Wife:
My wife asked me on Sunday, if I liked her jewelry, to which I responded, “I really like your bracelet … I bet you could probably catch a fish with it.” Good times.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Stoppage Time

Nutty Conversation

It was a pretty slow week at work this week, which of course means that the office clowners (of which I am part of), came up with some really “interesting” conversational topics. My favorite one this week was this: A nut can be considered a seed, but is a seed also a nut? We mulled it over for a good ½ hour and came up with the conclusion that even though a nut is technically a seed, seeds can’t be considered nuts for the following reasons:

1. You usually eat the stuff around seeds (for instance, with apples and oranges), but nuts kind of just grow on their own, with nothing but a hard shell surrounding them.
2. Most nuts are edible, and taste good, but you wouldn’t want to eat apple seeds and orange seeds.
3. Nuts have a much harder outer shell than seeds do (I’m not sure what this means, and why this means that nuts are different, but we decided that this had to be a reason).

However, some things do not fit into this list:

1. Sunflower seeds and Pumpkin seeds don’t fit in this explanation, as both are very edible and very delicious.
2. Potatoes can be planted and grown, as well as onions, but we can’t consider them nuts, can we?

This might be the next big argument, after the big debate on planets that has just taken place (Pluto will always be a planet in my eyes, dammit!).

Just a few funny quotes from this week:
1. “You like killing deer, I like killing beer.” This was a conversation between a coworker who loves to hunt, and me.
2. “You might need to branch out into crazy.” I can’t remember what we were talking about here at work, but I think it was an idea for a new business product.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Creative Office Coworkers

Yes, one of my creative office coworkers has struck again. Just a little disclaimer for you fellow readers:

1. I do not condone screwing squirrels in any way, shape or form ... unless, of course, you are also a squirrel.

2. As far as I know, there has never been a statue built in my likeness, nor dedicated to me ... however, there is still time.

3. The office coworkers seem to put more time into photoshopping pictures of me than they do with their regular work ... and who can blame them? It's kind of fun.

I've Been Tagged!!!!

I was tagged to do one of those "surveys," but this one is 51 questions long. For the sake of the blogging community, I am not going to tag anybody else, but I felt that it was worthwhile to answer the 51 (yeah, that's right, 51) questions anyway. You are more than welcome to answer 1, some, or all of these questions on my site (or your site) if you want, or make comments on my answers ... or do nothing at all. It's up to you ... aren't I great?

1. First name? Karl

2. Were you named after anyone? I don't think so. My middle name is Reiner, so I asked my parents if I was named after the comedian, and they said no. So ... how 'bout them Phillies?

3. Do you wish on stars? As a youngster, I probably wished on stars a few times ... I always gave them credit for getting me the Oscar the Grouch alarm clock.

4. When did you last cry? Phew, probably during a romantic comedy. Unfortunately, I am a sucker for some romantic comedies (Some Kind of Wonderful, Say Anything, Sleepless in Seattle). Actually, now that I think about it, I had some welling up in the eyes, when one of my best friends called this weekend and told me his older sister passed away ... tragic, she was far too young.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Oh Heavens no. I have seen chickens scratch more legibly.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Just regular turkey breast. If you smoke it, it starts tasting like ham, and that is just a crime.

7. What is your birth date? June 2, 1972 ... coincidentally, that is viewed as the greatest day the Earth has ever seen.

8. What is your most favorite album/CD? Rolling Stones - Some Girls. Every track is excellent, and it has a nice mix of rock, country, disco, a little punk, and some funk. Just a well-rounded album.

9. Favorite Jewelry not counting wedding/engagement ring and why? Outside of my wedding ring, I only really wear a watch, as far as jewelry is concerned. It is a cool Fossil Penn State watch, though.

10. Do you have a journal? I have a few blogs, so I guess these are like journals.

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Um, well, if I have to answer this one for you, then you obviously have no clue who I am.

12. What are your nicknames? I've had a tone of them. My favorite is Los, but only a handful of people call me that still. Here are some others: Kaz, Stupid German, Old Blue Eyes, BOFBPOS (that one is a work one), Kraut, The Winner ... to name a few.

13. Would you bungee jump? Never thought about doing it. But, if given the choice, I’d probably do the plane jumping thing first.

14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I guess it depends on how lazy I feel at the moment. Why the hell do you care anyway?

15. Do you think that you are strong? I guess kind of. I wouldn’t call myself a body builder, or anything like that, but I can work all day moving stuff, and never tire (gotta be the German blood). Mentally, I’m strong, because I never give up.

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate Chip Cookie dough, without a doubt. I don’t think a better flavor of ice cream is possible.

17. Shoe Size? 11 ½ (and you know what they say about a person’s shoe size, don’t ya … me neither).

18. Red or pink? If forced, I would say red, just because Santa Claus wears red, and I happen to love presents.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? The beer gut (not hideous, but I’d like to lose it). But, I love beer too much to do anything about it.

20. What do you like most about yourself? My sense of humor. I can diffuse fights between friends, family members, and others, which is a good thing. Sometimes I can diffuse tense situations at work (however, my sarcasm can start fights as well).

21.Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Actually, I don’t really care, because this is a long-ass questionnaire, and I hate these “being tagged” thingies. But hey, if you want to, be my guest.

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? I am wearing khakis and brown shoes.

23. What are you listening to right now? I listened to the Police last (I believe the song was “I Can’t Stand Losing You.”)

24. Last thing you ate? Cheerios … the multi wheat ones (I think) … not because I’m trying to be healthy, but because they were on sale.

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Indian Red, because I thought that was a cool name for a color … I believe Crayola has changed the name of the color for political purposes.

26. What is the weather like now ? Partly sunny – actually quite pleasant. Thank goodness I’m working today … sigh!

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? My wife, to wish her luck in the dart championship last night … that’s right, she’s on a dart team … and no, she doesn’t have testicles …except for mine.

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I like a girl’s eyes, and her buttocks … that’s right, just like Kramer, I’m an Ass Man!

29. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? It would be great to be able to appear anywhere with just the snap of a finger … I’d never be late for work, and could save lots of money on gas (and tolls) … call me Thrifty Man!

30 Favorite Drink? Nice cold glass of OJ in the morning, Lemonade in the afternoon, and a good Long Island Iced Tea at night.

32. Hair Color? Blonde (at least where I still have hair)

33. Eye Color? Ice Blue (because it sounds cool).

34. Do you wear contacts? Yes, but I’ve been thinking about getting laser surgery … so any tips would be helpful and appreciated.

35. Favorite Food? Geez, so many to choose from – Tacos, ribs, crabs …. I can’t decide, dammit!!!!

36. Last Movie You Watched? Top Secret! Watched it last night – it is without a doubt in my top 10 favorite movies of all time (a possible future blog).

37. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas … because I love to give and receive presents.

38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Ummm…..I’m a scaredy cat, so give me the movies with happy endings (sounds like a cheap massage parlor).

39. Summer or winter? I am thankful that I live in an area that experiences all four seasons. I love ‘em all. However, when it is way too hot, I wish for winter, and when it is way too cold, I wish for summer.

40. Hugs Or Kisses? I guess it depends on who they are coming from.

41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Some pound cake with some nice cherry topping on the side … I also love cheese-cake.

42. Who is Most Likely To Respond? Nobody, because this is just too freakin’ long.

43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Everybody, because of the same reason.

44. What Books Are You Reading? I am reading a Photoshop book right now. I just finished a “Pro Wrestling Mysteries” book, so I got that going for me …

45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? At work, it is a Lockheed Martin pad … BORING!

46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? The Phillies and Top Secret.

47. Favorite Smells? Coffee, bacon, a pipe, the smell of asphalt when the rain just starts hitting it (I know, I’m weird).

48. Favorite Sounds? Rain against a window (soothing in a way).

49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Without a doubt, the Rolling Stones. They have been my favorite rock band since the 7th grade. I own over 50 of their albums (bootlegs, live stuff, studio stuff, etc.). Don’t get me wrong, I think the Beatles are good, but the Stones will always be my favorites.

50. What's the farthest you've been from home? Romania, I’m guessing … although I was in Alaska also, but I’m not sure which is further.

51. What's your major malfunction, Private Pyle? I eat too many damn potato chips, and I don’t like ham or potatoes for some reason.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Stoppage Time, Jr.

You call it What??

So, I accidentally clicked on the Whoopi Goldberg radio show this morning – how the hell does she have a morning show now? Is this the next rung of the ladder after Hollywood Squares? I guess she can’t really do porn, because she is just way too damb ugly.

Anyway, that’s not what I’m blogging about today (although, certainly a blog about what Whoopi will do next is certainly one that that should be done by somebody in the future). She mentioned something about all these television commercials about Erectile Dysfunction that are smothering our TV airwaves. And, although I agree with her about this – it is getting out of hand, kind of like all of those Sally Struthers commercials in the late 1980’s – I have a different take on this.

I’ve noticed that a lot of these commercials are calling it “E.D.” Is this the new cool nickname for it? Does Erectile Dysfunction even need a cool nickname? Should we start having nicknames for all illnesses to make them sound cool? Like for instance, “I was diagnosed with the G-Hizzy by my doctor last night (G-Hizzy would of course be Genital Herpes). Or, I came down with the T-Fun a few weeks ago (Toenail Fungus). Are drug companies trying to “sexify” personal illnesses so that they can increase their business? I gotta know, because I’m really not liking the term E.D. Please, help me with this one.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Not that most of you care, but I had my fantasy draft last night, and I had the number one pick. I took Shaun Alexander, because I really want to get screwed by the Madden jinx. Here are my other picks:

QB'/s – Matt Hasselback, Jon Kitna
RB's - Shaun Alexander, Chester Taylor, Kevin Jones, Ahman Green
WR - Hines Ward, Derrick Mason, Matt Jones, Lee Evans
TE - Kellen Winslow, JR, Vernon Davis
K - Jay Feely, Nate Kaeding
DEF - Seattle, Kansas City

Everybody loves their team after the draft, and I’m no exception. Sure, I’m a little light on Wide Receiver, but our league generally favors running backs and QB’s, and I think I did pretty well with these … of course, injuries are always the wild card. Hopefully, Seattle doesn’t get the Super Bowl hangover.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Drive-Thru P.I.A.'s

Yesterday, I was in the drive-thru line at Wendy’s, and it got me to thinking. It is important, yet usually overlooked, ignored, or never even learned. Yes, I’m talking about drive-thru etiquette. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure an official list exists, and if one does, please let me know about it. However, if one does not exist, let me be the first to start one on this blog (please, feel free to add to it).

First, I think it is important that we come to a consensus about the purpose of a drive-thru. In my humble opinion, a drive-thru’s purpose is to accommodate the customer who knows what he/she wants in a relatively speedy time. It is supposed to convenience the customer by allowing the customer to order from inside the car, and pick-up from inside the car (Now, there are a few places that allow one to order the food from home, or work, and pick up “curb-side.” This rant has nothing to do with those).

1. When going thru a drive-thru, please have an idea of what you are going to order. If you don’t know what you want, why not go inside the restaurant, where you can take as much time as you want looking at the menu, without inconveniencing others who already know what they want, and are hungry as hell. I see far too often, people looking over the menu for minutes at a time, trying to figure out what they want, seemingly oblivious to the line of cars behind them. I think it is selfish and rude, and in a perfect world, these people would be given some sort of ticket or citation for neglecting others.

2. If you have a rather large order, please either go inside to place it, or volunteer to move your car forward after ordering so that other orders can be placed promptly. I dread being behind a van full of people in a drive-thru, because I know that I will be spending far more time in the drive thru than I had originally intended. I understand that people with kids would rather just stay in the car and order the 18 happy meals, but one should really sometimes keep in mind the purpose of the drive-thru (see above). I am sure that when I have kids I may want to amend this one.

3. If you have coupons, or an order that you think might be screwed up when going through the drive-thru, it is best that you go inside to order. That way, you can have the piece of mind of checking the food at the counter, and making sure that the order was fulfilled to your satisfaction. Sometimes I feel like ramming the car in front of me, when the guy who ordered his special burger with onions, lettuce, sweet peppers, gets upset after thoroughly checking his burger and noticing the pickles on the patty. Asshole! Go inside to order you specialty sandwich – THE DRIVE THRU IS NOT THE PLACE TO DO THIS!

4. As with traffic lights, please pay attention to the car in front of you! I hate it when the person in front of me doesn’t realize (A) it is his/her turn to order, or (B) the car in front of them moved 20 seconds ago, yet the person is still sitting in park, waiting for lord knows what. PAY ATTENTION!

5. I’m pretty sure that the speakers in the drive-thru are good enough that one does not need to stick his/her entire upper torso out of the window and scream in order to place an order. I could be wrong about this, as I’ve never worked in a fast-food restaurant before, but I’ve never had to do this, and it seems like they can hear me loud and clear. I know, I know – this one doesn’t really waste any time, but if you get as annoyed as I do in a drive-thru, then you know that any little thing can be annoying.

I’m sure there are more, but this is a start.

Two Funny Quotes from Last Week:

"You know, it's still August." "Thanks, Nostra-dumbass." We were talking about how nice the weather was last week, but how the temperatures were slowly rising. So, Ryk informed us that it was still August. The zinger that Brian left was priceless.

"I thought you had already reached the absolute-zero of crazy." Joe, a coworker, informed us that he was to the point of going crazy. I came back with that comment. It got a few chuckles.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Atari vs. Intellivision

I want to start this post out by saying that I do not consider myself a "gamer." I don't pay $15 a month to be on a W.O.W. or Eve server, nor do I play Unreal Tournament or Guildwars. I do, however, own a PS2, and the most recent game I played on that was Arena League football. Other than that, I might play some occasional games that do not require a minimum of 4 hours straight of play a night.

With that said, we at work had an interesting conversation about the Atari 2600 - Intellivision wars of the late 1970's and early 1980's. As you can see, we are often very busy at work. Anyway, I figured I'd share my experiences, and encourage your thoughts, opinions, and experiences (if you too are old).

I owned an Atari way back in 1980, back when it was named Atari VCS (yeah, I'm old as mud, I know). I remember being overwhelmed with surprise/happiness when I opened this particular Christmas present. I wasn't really expecting to get it, even though I had asked for it repeatedly. My mom had informed me that the $120 price-tag on this system was far too high for "Santa" to pay for. Boy, did my mom ever sucker me in with that one.

As some of you may know, Combat was the game that was included with the Atari. It was a fun 2-player game, but since it came with the Atari, most of us thought it was lame. My parents (Santa) did purchase a second game for the system - Football. Looking back, the graphics and gameplay were kind of lame, but at the time, I didn't think life could get any better. I remember the sheer jubilance that swept through my soul when buying blockbuster games like Asteroids, Space Invaders, and Pac Man. It was like having an arcade in my basement (except, the arcade games were
always cooler).

I became friends with someone who had an Intellivision, and immediately my heart sank. The sports games were infinitely better than anything the poor Atari had to offer. Immediately, I felt like a second-class citizen, because I wasn't able to select from a multitude of football plays, nor was I able to get put in the penalty box in Atari's version of hockey. I wanted to go over to this kid's house every day to play Intellivision sports games.

But, as bad as Atari was with sports, they did have an edge (in my humble opinion) in other games. They had the rights to games like Pac Man, Centipede, Asteroids, and Space Invaders. All Intellivision could do was offer cheap rip-offs of these classics. Plus, Atari's Pitfall and Raiders of the Lost Ark were nearly impossible to put down (there were other classics from Activision like Stampede, Kaboom, Laser Blast, and

Of course, once Collecovision came out, the argument was moot, as it blew both aging systems out of the water. I passed up the Collecovision in favor of getting the Commodore 64 - probably another great discussion would be how many games people were able to collect for this system with all of the hacker disks that came out.

Anyway, I felt like I had to "nerd-out" for just a post, so anybody who hates video games, I apologize with providing my early experiences.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Stoppage Time

If it smells like a fox …
So, T.O. is causing ripples in Dallas already, eh? I have to admit that even I am shocked at how quickly this schmuck is rocking the boat in Big D. In case you hadn’t heard, Owens has yet to practice with the ‘Boys because of a hamstring injury (something he apparently complains about each and every offseason), AND he decided to skip his team’s first preseason game, AND apparently he decided to skip out on a book signing. Geez, I have no idea why T.O. is so misunderstood - he seems like a great guy. He has quickly reached Barry Bonds status with me (not a good thing), and I hope that somebody lays him out really good this season - to the point where he has trouble remembering if his name is T.O. or O.T. By the way, if things continue to sour in Dallas, I already have his next excuse lined up (remember, you heard it here first):

“The NFL is out to get me! They are intimidated with the star-power that I possess, and have asked all the other teams to mistreat me. They want me out of the game, and continually make up stories about how bad of a guy I am.” Mark it down, folks.

Pluto No Longer a Planet?
So, apparently, a bunch of scientists from around the world came together to come up with a definition of what a planet really is. Apparently these egg-heads are having a heated debate on whether or not Pluto should still be considered a planet. Guys, seriously, we’ve been calling it a planet for so long, why not leave it that way, instead of confusing society. Is it really that big of an issue at this point? Don’t we have more important things to worry about than this? Why should we care about this anyway? If Pluto is all of the sudden no longer considered a planet, will this cause sudden typhoons and earthquakes across our own planet? Just keep it that way. Besides, in my opinion, it is the second coolest named planet in our solar system (just behind Neptune).

Nice Headline has a headline “Bill Gates Pumping Cash Into AIDS-Blocking Gel.” Anybody else find this as funny as I did? Could CNN have used another word instead of “Pumping,” like maybe “donating” or “giving?”

And You’re a Sports Network?
I’ve noticed a lot more dart tournaments on ESPN in recent weeks. It got me to thinkin’. ESPN shows a lot of darts and a lot of poker. Additionally, they show bowling. Should any of these really be considered sports? Are all of these fun? Absolutely. But just because they are fun, and competitive, does this mean they are sports? Competitive eating can be fun and certainly competitive, but surely, this can’t be considered a sport, can it? Where do we draw the line with regards to sports? Is ESPN coming dangerously close to becoming what MTV is to music … or lack thereof? You know, I considered ESPN more of a sports network when they were showing Roller Derby (I was a big fan of the Bay City Rollers).

Monday, August 14, 2006

The Ass Dent

As promised, here is a picture of my car with the ass dent, courtesy of the cable guy. As you may recall, this happened when the cable guy was installing cable internet at my house. He fell off the ladder, onto the roof of my car, and created this rather large dent with his buttocks. He tried to get the dent out with my toilet plunger, to no avail (he even licked the plunger in order to "create suction."). I received a check for $2,000 from their insurance company to repair the damage ... which of course, I never did.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Who Will Carry the Torch?

I know I don’t normally do entire posts that have a sports theme, so I apologize to those of you read my posts and who have no interest in sports whatsoever (please, indulge me for this one time!).

A few days ago, an athlete on a Philadelphia professional sports team called it a career. The press conference was decidedly sad, as the player confessed to playing the sport since the age of 4. He informed us that he has a speech all laid out for this occasion, but didn’t realize that announcing his retirement would be this difficult … he then followed this statement up with something he never ever did while he played – he lost it and began to sob.

Eric Desjardins became a Flyer in 1995 after 6 very good seasons in Montreal. He won a cup for the Canadians, and even had a game in that final in which he scored all three goals for his team. The Flyers traded fan favorite Mark Recchi to the Habs for Desjardins, a what seemed to be potential all-star in Gilbert Dionne (his father was a legend in the game, so why not his son?), and a throw-in player in John LeClair (a player who became the best goal-scorer the Flyers have had since Tim Kerr). This goes down as the greatest trade that GM Bob Clarke has ever made … unfortunately, he has never come close to this kind of move since (a topic for another conversation).

Desjardins helped bring the Flyers back to contention almost overnight, and became the best defenseman on the team for a number of years. Heck, the Flyers were close to winning the cup on a few occasions with him anchoring the team. During his tenure, Desjardins logged an exceptionally high amount of ice-time on defense, mainly because the Flyers were never able to build around him. He never once complained about this.

When Eric Lindros was went through his hissy fit and was sub sequentially banished from the team, the Flyers gave the captaincy to Desjardins. Even though he never wanted to take on the load of being captain, he again, never once complained. He just went out and did his thing.

At times, the Philly fans were harsh to him, saying that he had lost a step. He had many potential excuses for this criticism, but never once posed one. He continued to play the game he loved. Towards the end, he began breaking down, receiving many serious injuries. Like a true warrior, he always fought back. Two seasons ago, he suffered a severe arm injury that should’ve sidelined him for the season. However, he rehabbed as hard as he could to try to help his Flyers finally achieve Lord Stanley’s cup, only to have his arm give out on him again.

I’m sure Eric Desjardins will never get the recognition he deserves in this city. The main reason was that he was never full of himself, and never showed off. He was content with just playing the game and leaving it at that. Unfortunately, the Jeremy Roenicks and Brett Hulls of the world will always be remembered more than the guys who never made a ripple in the headlines. I just wanted to write and say that I appreciated what Eric Desjardins gave us in Philly.

I’m sure Eric will make the Philadelphia Flyers Hall of Fame someday. I doubt he’ll have his number retired, considering the Flyers did not retire Mark Howe’s number, and in my opinion, he was the best defenseman that ever suited up in the orange and black (funny, Howe was also a player who shied away from the spotlight – go figure).

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Stoppage Time

Stoppage Time

A Band?
Did you know that I am in a band? Neither did I. But, Ink and Stone has apparently put together some sort of surf rock band, and apparently, I’m one of the guitarists. “Does Los even play guitar,” you may ask. Actually, I do … well, I try at least. I’ve been practicing on acoustic guitar for about 8 months now, basically doing an online training. I’m a very long way away from being part of any legitimate band, but I like where Ink and Stone is going with the picture he made. Maybe this will motivate me to learn other songs besides “When the Saints Come Marching In.”

Notes to Self:

• Don’t sweat the petty things … and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• You don’t sing better in the shower, even though you think you do.
• Drinking beer does not make you smarter.

Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:“Why don’t you want to go to Chick-Fil-A … chicken?”

Quote of the Week:
"I'm so white, I create problems on dance floors." I had to go to the archives for this one, because I don’t remember any funny quotes from any of my friends … slackers. I said this doozy in March, well, because it’s true. I can do the Mick Jagger dance … and that’s about it.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Movie Duds

I am so behind with all of these summer blockbusters that are out. I’m at a loss as to which movie(s) to go and see. There are so many out right now that are piquing my interest (yes, I had to use a spell checker on that word). I haven’t even seen Superman, and I am dying to see Talladega Nights. You know, there was a time, not all that long ago, when I used to go to the movies all the time. I would easily go to the movies 15-20 times a summer … of course, that was back when it didn’t cost $10 to see a movie. When one sees that many movies, one will find great movies, and one will find absolutely terrible movies. With that said, here is a list of the five worst movies I had the “pleasure” of seeing in the movie theatre:

5. Toys – This movie came out around the time when Robin Williams was red-hot. He had just starred in such critically acclaimed movies as Awakenings, Cadillac Man, The Fisher King, and Hook (yes, it wasn’t awesome, but I’m pretty sure Disney made a ton on that one). Surely, Toys would deliver the goods, I thought. After all, it was a movie about a huge toy company, and Robin Williams played the owner’s son – how could this one possibly miss? I remember reading the reviews the day it came out, and to say that they were negative would be kind. I decided that the critics had their heads up their asses, and went to see it anyway. Sadly, the critics were dead-on. I’m not sure how many times I yawned or looked at my watch during this train-wreck (actually, it would’ve been at least exciting to watch a train wreck, this one was more like a long-winded sermon at church that nearly two hours). The story was hokey at best, and the actors were either miscast or simply mailed in their “performances.” The most annoying character was Joan Cusack’s character – this was the one we all were supposed to laugh with and relate to, but as the movie went on, I was hoping she would be tragically killed by a flaming 600-pound teddy-bear.

4. Joe vs. the Volcano – Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? Sign me up! Sure, these two wouldn’t truly hit it big together until a few years later with Sleepless in Seattle, but this had to be a good start, right? Not even close. This was the first movie I ever walked out on. I had to slap myself quite a few times just to stay awake. The plot was ludicrous (When a hypochondriac learns that he is dying, he accepts an offer to throw himself in a volcano at a tropical island, and along the way there, learns to truly live – from Additionally, Meg Ryan played a couple of different characters, none of which were remotely endearing. Hanks wasn’t so bad, but not even he could save this one.

3. Betsy’s Wedding – This was during the tail-end of Molly Ringwald’s run as “that girl on those teen movies that isn’t really that attractive, but for some reason I still want to bone her.” This movie got me over that obsession. The plot was thinner than the thongs that Paris Hilton wears. Plus, Alan Alda played a main role, and let’s just say he didn’t quite bring back any memories of Hawkeye Pierce. With other actors like Madeline Kahn, Joe Pesci, and Catherine O’Hara in it, one would think this movie could get by on acting alone. Not the case. This movie is so bad, you would be hard pressed to find it playing on the WB on Saturday afternoon. Thankfully, I got see this one for free, as the girl I was seeing worked at the theatre. However, I will never get those two hours back.

2. Quiz Show/The Englishman That Went Up The Hill, But Came Down The Mountain – If they would’ve just kept both of these as documentaries, I would’ve happily watched them on the History Channel. Unfortunately, some movie producers had the bright idea of making both of these into movies. Even more unfortunate was the fact that I went to see both of these movies. My eyes welled with tears of boredom, as I sat trapped like a prisoner trying desperately to stay awake and sane throughout both of these yawners.

1. That Darn Cat – This has got to be the worst movie ever made. To top it off, it was a remake of a Disney movie from 1965 starring that “loveable” Disney whore, Dean Jones. For one reason or another, some executive at Disney (must’ve been that schmuck, Eisner), gave the green-light to go ahead and redo this festering pile of movie sludge. Normally, I wouldn’t even consider going to see something this obviously pathetic, but my girlfriend at the time insisted we go (it was a compromise – we would go see this, and then go and see Howard Stern’s Private Parts). I couldn’t even tell what the plot was, because it was erased from my memory almost immediately. However, I did decide to look it up on, and noticed that Disney once again allowed Dean Jones to have a part in this flick (Just swallowed some vomit after realizing this). Other actors who appeared in this fart-stain, and who obviously were either intoxicated or desperate for work, included Peter Boyle, Christina Ricci, Michael McKean, and John Ratzenberger. As the movie ended, my girlfriend looked at me and said, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I almost punched her in the throat (I would never hit a girl, but I don’t think anybody would blame me).

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Stoppage Time (Part 2)

I’m gone a friggin’ week, and all of this shite happens:

• I’m guessing most (if not all) of you have heard something about the Mel Gibson meltdown that happened last week (Some of you have probably even written about it). I figured I’d at least add my two cents, even though I’m sure it’s old news already. I used to think that Mel was a cool guy – he had the looks (no, I’m not gay), and had some really cool movies (The Lethal Weapon series). What happened to this guy? Not only did he decide to go Kevin Costner on us (making his own movies), but then, he inexplicably went Pat Robertson and Nick Nolte on us in the same night. Personally, I bet that this is a publicity stunt for his upcoming movie that sounds about as interesting as the Tony Danza show. But still, why would a guy this popular risk it all by making ridiculous anti-Semitic comments? Mel, sometimes it’s better not to rock the boat. I get this feeling that Gibson and Tom Cruise may be in an ABC sitcom by 2010.

• Bobby Abreu and Corey Lidle were traded by the Phils last week, and dang it all if they didn’t start winning. Isn’t it funny how a team responds when you take some of the negative, lazy piles of dung out of the locker room? Shame they didn’t make this kind of move in the offseason.

• The U.S. and France somehow came up with a peace treaty for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Umm, how the hell did these two work together to do anything positive? I wouldn’t have been more surprised if I had woken up with my face stapled to the carpet.

• Thankfully, football season starts tonight … sure, it is just a preseason game, but now we can finally focus our attention away from the three-ringed circus at Citizen’s Bank Park, and watch some gridiron entertainment. Additionally, tonight starts the unofficial fantasy scouting for about 150 million Americans. Gotta love gambling!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Holy Heat-Wave, Batman!

I am finally back from vacation (or holiday for you readers in the UK), and I know it is a bit cliché, but I can’t believe the week went by so quickly. It honestly feels like just a few days ago, we were packing the car, and on our way to the Outer Banks. If only work went by so quickly.

Just some quick thoughts about the vacation:
• We had a heat index of over 115 for about 4 days in Kill Devil Hills. At times, it was absolutely stifling. Thank goodness we had a pool where we were staying, because if we didn’t, I probably would’ve just watched tv inside all week.

• The restaurants in the Outer Banks are incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever had soup that was better than the stuff they make down there.

• I’m not sure if this is true or not, but I think it is o.k. for guys to drink frozen drinks when temperatures reach 100 degrees. They were refreshing when even the breeze wasn’t helping.

• Remember that suggestion I made regarding having options for breakfast sides instead of just home-fries? Well, The Outer Banks restaurants give you options - hopefully, this trend will gain force and make its way to Philly. If not, I encourage Smokin’ Steve to open up a “My Big Fat F**kin’ Diner.”

• Mixed drinks seem to taste better in extreme heat, as can be evidenced by the picture of me that I sent to Smokin’ Steve (he was so nice to post it for all of you here: To quickly rehash (I’ll go into more detail in my next post), I had 2 Hurricanes, 2 Margaritas, 4 Long Island Iced Teas (really strong ones, as well), and 2 shots of Jagermeister. This is the face you make after all of those drinks.

• I was shocked that I was able to make it an entire week without a computer. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of doing it, but when you have enough distractions, like a beach, a pool, great food, and alcohol, you can make it through … trust me!

I have a few “Note To Self” tidbits for ya:
• Just because you can’t see your feet, doesn’t mean they won’t get sunburned.

• Even though Long Island Iced Teas tasted really good, doesn’t mean they are not potent.

• Remember to apply sunscreen often on your nose so that Santa doesn’t mistake you for Rudolph.

Quote of the Week:
“There was a time when I thought Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” was the best song ever made. I remember saying to myself, ‘Has Mr. Richie just created the perfect song?’ What other artist could combine a tantalizing soft-reggae groove, quotes like ‘Feel Good, Feel Good,’ and ‘Zombo-litte-Zettimone-ya,’ and mix that with the addictive melody of those horns at the end of the song? I truly wished the length of the song actually mirrored the title of the song, and often thought about e-mailing Mr. Richie to inform him of my thoughts. Of course, once K.C. and The Sunshine Band’s ‘Give It Up,’ was released, I was shocked to discover that Mr. Richie’s song was no longer the best ever.”

Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:
I wonder if that Moose Lodge has any cool “A-moose-ments.”