Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday night, the Rev and I went to the Khyber in Philly to see one of our favorite bands, Electric 6, perform. The first time we went, back in the summer, Rev wasn’t really too familiar with their stuff, but agreed to go with me, ‘cause he’s a helluva guy. We basically stood in the back of the Khyber, which, if you never been, is not all that different than one of the gates of hell. Still, E-6 rocked, and Smokin’ became a fan.
About 3 weeks ago, the Rev e-mails me and tells me that E-6 is coming back to the Khyber, and that we should go. I was thrilled to see them again, I was just kinda hopin’ that they would’ve chosen a different venue, like maybe the TLA. They were turning people away at the door, so I’m guessing E-6 probably could’ve gotten 1,000 people to show up.
Anyway, the Rev had one of his bright ideas, and said that we should go towards the front of the venue so that he could get some good picks of the band. I was game, but I knew that we’d probably regret it eventually. Sure, Smokin’ got some really good pics, but I’m still trying to figure out if it was worth it. We basically found ourselves on the edge of a rather rowdy mosh-pit.
Not that I’m a pussy, but I’ve tended to stay away from mosh-pits, mainly because I’m clumsy, a klutz, and basically, I’m “That Guy” – you know, the guy that somehow gets hurt with freak situations like getting elbowed in the face during a game of Frisbee football 1-week prior to my junior prom (yep – had a black eye – and the camera caught it perfectly in my prom photo).
Thankfully, I had the Rev as buffer. He was actively knockin’ people over left and right, like a prison guard in Alabama, and keeping the mosh pit from me. Watching him powerfully push the entire mosh pit to the other side of the room, I realized something. The Rev would’ve been a great offensive lineman – an all-pro, probably, had he decided to give that “profession” a serious shot, instead of taking a liking to reporting traffic.
Donovan McNabb probably would’ve won a few Super Bowls by now, if Smokin’ would’ve just put on the pads (no, not those feminine pads), and smothered the competition. Smokin’ is rapidly approaching his mid-30’s, so it’s probably too late for an NFL career at this point, but what if? It would’ve been something, dammit!
Happy New Year, All!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
My wife may have done the most amazing thing she has ever done the other day …. Watched 28 straight episodes of Wings. Now, I enjoyed that TV show years ago, and when it’s on, I tend to leave it on, but I don’t know if I could sit through more than 5 episodes of this show, or any show, without taking a break. I admire her “stick-to-it-tiveness.”
So Long, Mr. President
President Ford passed away the other day, and I’m sad that I don’t know much about him. He sounded like a really nice guy who never got a chance to display what he could do as president. He was too busy cleaning up after Nixon … so much so, that it ended up costing him the Presidential race of 1976 … or so I’m told. He always seemed like a cool guy, a guy that could take jokes in stride, but would hold his own against anybody and everybody. Even though he went to the University of Michigan, I still respect the guy.
You’re Reading What???
Yeah, I’m reading a book … not just any book, but a book about Eric Bischoff, former president of WCW. I know, sound pretty lame, doesn’t it? Some people have vices like secretly loving Brittany Spears songs, or liking the color pink. Nope, not me – I LOVE reading books about pro wrestling. I have no idea why, but I’m fascinated by this industry – all the backstage politics, the partying lifestyles, the struggles of redemption … o.k., I’ll stop talkin’.
Happy New Year, All!
I know this post was short … many of you are breathing a deep sigh of relief. Seriously, though. I wish all of you a happy, safe, and healthy New Year, and may we all come back blogging stronger than ever in 2007!!!!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
10. I think that one of the 4 “F*ckhats” will pass away this year. You know – Nicole, Paris, Brittany, or Lindsay. I’m not wishing this on them, mind you, but I can just see something like this happening. My guess is that it’s gonna be Nicole, probably starving herself to death or something like that. Again, I’m not wishing this on her.
9. Barry Bonds’ knees are going to fall off during a baseball games. Now, unlike #10, I am wishing this on him.
8. T.O. will get released from the Cowboys. The guy has a knack for ruining pro teams. In fact, I’m surprised that FOX hasn’t put together a reality show based on this yet.
7. The Phillies will be in the wild card race until the last week of the season … like every year.
6. We will either get confirmation that we were successful in “terminating” Osama Bin Laden, or we will find out that he had died about a year ago … again, unlike #10, I am wishing this on him.
5. The Rolling Stones will finally end their “Bigger Bang” Tour that started in 2005.
4. There will be another “new” Tupac cd out, with “all new material” … even though the man has been dead for close to 10 years (or more).
3. Burger King will be producing a 10 patty hamburger (I think they’ve already done 5, so what the hell).
2. The Reverend will post another blog entry on his site (which means he’ll have a new job – go Steve!!!!).
1. There will be a “Best of” President Bush funny lines DVD out … and it will be the best selling DVD of the year.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
A Politically Correct Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I understand that our country is a big melting pot, and because of this, sometimes there are religious holidays that get ignored. So, would it have been nice if the Seattle airport had acknowledged Chanukah as well? Sure, that would’ve been great. But do we have to take down all Christmas decorations because of some complaints? Again, I’m scratching my head.
A suitable solution would’ve been if the Rabbi brought in some Chanukah decorations for the airport to put up, instead of lodging a complaint. Wouldn’t this have been better? JFK’s famous saying came to mind, when he said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” If we eliminate country, and add airport to this phrase, you might be able to see my point.
Not to dis anybody or any religion, but it’s gotten to the point now, where I am afraid to wish anybody a Merry Christmas because I’m afraid I just might offend them. Geez, if somebody wished me a happy Chanukah, I wouldn’t be offended. I might chuckle a little if you wished me a happy Kwanzaa. If I walked into a store with just Chanukah decorations up, again, it wouldn’t bother me. So, why does it bother so many people when only Christmas decorations are up? Seriously, educate me on this – I’m ready to listen.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
5. Yogi Bear always made me laugh. He was an interesting character in that he was always outsmarting the ranger, but always seemed to be outsmarted by everyone else. Of course, everyone remembers his famous tag-line, “I’m smarter than the average bear!.” However, he never seemed to be smarter than the average bee, as he always seemed to be getting stung in his “bear” ass.
4. I’ve probably seen just about every incarnation of Tom and Jerry. However, my favorite ones were the ones with the old maid in them … you probably can’t remember these, because in this PC world, they have “creatively” edited her out. I’m sure the idea was that this was good for society … but basically, they ripped that part of my childhood away from me.
3. The Flintstones, as most “older” people probably know, were a blatant rip-off of the Honeymooners. In my mind, that never took away from the cartoon, though. Something I just found out today was that this cartoon was originally run during prime-time hours, much like the Simpsons and Family Guy. My question is, when the Simpsons finally wraps up, will people in 20 or 30 years realize it was a primetime cartoon? Damn, that Kazoo (or however you spell it).
2. The Wacky Racers – This one is probably not well known, but as a child, I couldn’t get enough of this cartoon. Every episode, there was a car (or plane) race with the same characters – and every week a different character won. Some of the better known characters included Penelope Pitstop, Dick Dastardly (who always cheated, but never won), and the Gruesome Twosome. Dastardly’s dog, Mutley, was my favorite.
Without a doubt, my favorite cartoon was Quickdraw McGraw, especially the ones in which he would turn into his alter-ego, “El-Kabong!” Basically, he would go after bad guys and smack them over the head with a guitar. If you tell me that Mr. Barbera never partook in drugs, this would be my biggest “evidence” to prove he did. What a genius!
Please, list any cartoons that you liked. I left off a big one, Scooby Doo, I know. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the cartoon, but that whole Scrappy Doo season killed it for me.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I think I pumped about $20 into the Golden Tee machine at a local bar on Friday night. The game is just way too addicting. I think if I had this machine in my house, along with Megatouch, I probably would never leave the house again. I did ask for the Golden Tee plug and play game for Christmas – I know it won’t be quite as good graphically, but I’m hoping the game-play is acceptable … I’m such a loser.
‘Tis the Season!
I went to a holiday party … oh screw it, IT WAS A CHRISTMAS PARTY, at my friend “Barbara’s” house last night … I’m still recovering as we speak (well, type) … I’m trying to type quietly as I’m having difficulty with the louder keystrokes. The food was incredible (chicken cacciatore wings, pork balls wrapped in bacon … drool!), and I probably indulged in too many “holiday shots.” Also, Eric, you should be pleased by this – there was a keg!
I Really Should’ve Just Slept it Off
I decided that I had to wash my car today … and let me tell ya, this is not a fun task to do whilst hung-over. It’s that German guilt that my parents so graciously instilled in me as a child that “forced” me to do this. I was laying on the couch, trying to sleep, and my mind kept telling me I had to do this … again, I’m such a loser.
You’re Wearing What?
I got fitted for Smokin’s wedding on Saturday as well (geez, what a hectic weekend!). Now, this won’t be a traditional wedding. Instead, it will be an Indian-style wedding (no, not the Tonto-type), so the groomsmen will be dressed in Indian garb. My wife keeps telling me I got fitted for a dress. I am sure we will have plenty pictures to share in April. I look forward to this though, for many reasons – (A) Smokin’ is one of my best friends and he’s marrying a great gal, (B) I’ll probably get to break out my drunken Mick Jagger dance, and (C) I get to wear comfy clothes to this wedding (not the traditional uncomfortable tuxedo).
Thursday, December 14, 2006
1. The Oscar the Grouch Alarm Clock – For some reason, I remember seeing this in some sort of catalogue as a child, and since I was a big fan of Sesame Street (and an even bigger fan of Oscar the Grouch), I REALLY, REALLY wanted this. My parents were excellent in hiding this from me, saying things like “Santa Claus probably won’t be able to get this present for you.” I was defeated – I figured there was no way I was going to get to wake up to Oscar’s grouchy voice every morning. My parents hid this gift from me and somehow snuck it into my pile of presents at the very end. I remember opening it, and being flushed with excitement and emotion so much that all I could do was hold my head and jump up and down repeatedly for about 5 minutes. For months, Oscar woke me up, and it was truly heaven. But, because I am a klutz, I ended up breaking it somehow. Recently, I searched for this clock on Ebay, and they run for about $200 now – geez!
2. The Atari 2600 – At the time, it was called the Atari VCS … which gives you an idea of how old I am. I loved arcades and arcade machines … I’ve loved them for about as long as I can remember. For instance, I remember going into a department store called Two Guys. They had some sort of primitive racing machine that I was always fixated on. I think my mom allowed me to play it a few times, and I was hooked. You could imagine my excitement when I discovered the Atari 2600 in a Sears catalogue. My cousin Drew and I couldn’t stop talking about it. Again, my mom played one helluva poker hand, saying that the price was too much for a Christmas present (at the time, it was $129). But, Inga did end up buying it for me, and I must’ve played that thing about 10,000 hours (or more). The first game I got (besides Combat, which came with the Atari) was Space Invaders – I swore it was like I had an arcade in my basement (not entirely true, but close enough). It didn’t take me long to find those “secret games” within the games – you would have to flick the game on and off in a certain way to find these games – it was kind of like the first cheat code. I found one with Space Invaders in which I was able to shoot twice as fast (I’ve probably lost most of you with this one).
3. Mr. Quarterback – Sure, looking back on this gift, it was a piece of shite. But, the thought of having my very own “quarterback” throwing me 20 to 30 yard passes was enticing. I couldn’t wait to give it a try. Unfortunately, Mr. Quarterback (which was promoted by that jackass Roger Staubach) only “threw” the football about 5 yards or so … not even a perfect spiral. This is probably why Mr. Quarterback is no longer being sold.
4. The Green Machine – Now, I didn’t actually get this gift, but my two cousins did. I was PISSED! Man, did I want to have the Corvette of big wheels instead of the crappy orange one with yellow wheels that I currently possessed. I’m tellin’ ya, this big wheel was awesome – it reached incredible speeds and one could spin out like Dale Earnhardt with it. I was about as jealous with this one as I was when my cousin Drew got those Zips sneakers (the ones that “made” you run fast – or at least that’s what they said in the commercials).
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Yup – I Did It Again
Every six months or so, I do it. I’m about as regular as a T.O. outburst at this point. What am I talkin’ about? Glad ya asked. While preparing dinner the other night, I accidentally cut two of my fingers. The one finger cut was more like a paper cut – hurt like hell, bled quite a bit, but not too serious. However, I cut a decent sliver off of my other finger, and that sucker bled for a few hours – probably should’ve gone to the hospital, but that’s not my style (mainly, because I’m scared shitless of hospitals). So, now I find it difficult to type, and can’t play my guitar for at least a little while. This is a vicious cycle for me – I cut my finger, then I become very careful in the kitchen for a little while, and then I end up becoming careless again … so in about June, I should be ready for another finger-cutting.
Yup – He Did It Again
Just like me, Ric Flair seems to be regular. However, he doesn’t cut his fingers while preparing dinner … or at least he doesn’t talk about doing this. Nope – he’s regular in that he gets married, and then ends up getting divorced shortly after. I think the number for him now is 5 ex-wives. This got me to thinking – shouldn’t there be a three-strike rule with regards to marriages? After your third divorce, shouldn’t your right to marry be revoked, just for the sake of saving you the time and trouble from being moronic more times?
Yup – She Did It Again
I’m not really that concerned about celebrity gossip, but I had to chuckle when I heard that Nicole Ritchie was arrested for driving the wrong way on a highway (in the car-pool lane, no less). I think she should probably be put down at this point, for the good of … well, everybody. Apparently, when she was pulled over …. AT 4:50 AM … she confessed to have taken Vicodin AND smoking weed. She weighed in at a “svelte” 85 pounds at the time, by the way. Lionel must be thrilled with the publicity that his retarded daughter is getting. The good news is that if she dies, they can probably bury her in a shoebox (of course, I don’t wish that on anybody … except Barry Bonds).
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Awareness is the key to avoiding everything from terrorism and wars to bathroom embarrassment. This is by no means a complete list but to date 12/8/2006 this is what we’ve seen so far. But this may help you avoid embarrassment as well as prepare you for what you may see out there. It can be traumatic.
Mourner –The most proper position according to urinal etiquette. Both hands where they should be and looking downward as if you are mourning the loss of a loved one.
Leaner – This urinal patron feels the need to use one arm to steady themselves on the wall. Someone of this class usually also subscribes to the Grunter classification.
Grunter – A Grunter can be mixed with any other class, but involves a lot of vocalization while they perform the duties at the urinal. Usually consist of grunts, groans, and general sounds of enjoyment. Too much for being alone usually with a few other men in the room.
Look Ma, No Hands – The LMNH is a very proud individual. They place both hands on their hips with their arms at 30 degree angles allowing gravity to work its magic. Often is associated with a LookeeLoo and a Gabber.
Napper – A Napper enjoys the feel of cold tiles against him as he leaves his gift to the urinal gods. He places both arms on the wall behind the urinal from hand to elbow and usually places his head onto his arms. Sort of a mix between the LMNH and a Leaner.
Runner – This patron acts as if he is running a marathon while at the urinal. Heavy breathing and sweating are common signs that this person is a Runner.
LookeeLoo – A LookeeLoo is an individual that feels the need to peek over at the patron next to them at the urinal. No one truly knows their reasons, do they want a peek? Do they just want to see who is there? It’s a mystery to be sure.
Gabber – A man that feels the need to talk to the individual next to them in the urinal stalls. This conversation is never interesting and usually consist about a stupid joke about work, the weather, or the act of peeing itself. This is a vast breach of etiquette and should never be done; especially if you mix a Gabber with a LookeeLoo.
Swayer – Very simple classification where the man at the stall feels the need to sway back and forth while they do their duty.
Spitter – A patron that feels the need to hawk a loogie in the urinal stall. Not only rude but disgusting and should never be done. If you do this, stop immediately. Some people do not appreciate seeing your mucus while they are using the urinal.
Full Mooner – Mostly seen among the youngest of urinal goers; the Full Mooner drops everything for the entire world to see while they do their business. This is the largest breach of etiquette known to man today and should be punishable by death.
Flubber – From the phrase “to flub”. Someone who can’t aim and ends up peeing on the wall, sides of the urinal. This patron results in future users standing further away from the urinal which increases the chances of the LookeeLoo.
Stalker – A person that always seems to be at the urinal at the exact same time as you regardless of the time of the day. Whenever you feel the need to go, you can be sure this man will be right there waiting for you.
Ripper – This patron always seems to let out a stream of flatulence while you are standing next to him while performing his duties at the urinal.
Ghoster – The person that seems to do nothing but stand there usually due to pee shyness. But don’t worry, there is help for you: www.paruresis.com/.
Hiker - While not technically at the stall itself, this patron will travel far distances to find an empty restroom.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the “6 wicked things about you”. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 wicked things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.
1. I HATE ham. I can’t stand the sight, smell, taste, or feel of ham. I got sick on ham as a child on a few occasions, and I’m guessing this is probably why I feel this way. My former coworkers (at Lockheed) gave me a picture of ham as a going away present … not sure if they did it out of love or were happy to see me go, though.
2. I once got hit by a car when I was crossing the street on my way to play street hockey over at a friend’s house. There was a change in traffic patterns at the place I crossed, and I didn’t realize this. The lady hit me, and I got thrown about 10 feet. I ended up getting up, and continued on my way to play hockey, even though the lady was hysterical. I thought that would be it, BUT the lady knew my mom, and called her to make sure I was ok. When I came back from the hockey game, my mom was waiting for me at the front door – worried sick about me. Oops.
3. At a New Year’s party when I was in high school, I learned the whole “Beer before liquor, never sicker rule,” as I drank a few cans of beer, then switched to vodka and orange juice … and then, when the orange juice ran out, I attempted to drink vodka and milk … I eventually threw up all over myself, a couch, and the living room floor .
4. I have repeatedly given the “Dutch Oven” treatment to my wife in the past … somehow, I have grown out of this … I’m thinking because I no longer find this as funny as I used to.
5. I once worked at a place for 10 minutes … before I quit. I was in 9th grade, and it was a restaurant that I enjoyed going to. When I found out some disgusting “behind-the-scene” occurrences, I ended up telling the manager that I would be right back, and I ended up walking home … never to return.
6. When I worked as a P.R. intern for the Eagles in 1996, I decided to skip a Christmas party that was being thrown by Rodney Peete for players and staff, mainly because I was getting sick of the hours I was working (for free, by the way). I came to work the next Monday, and found out that Michael Jordan was at the party and he took pictures with all the staff members … I’m an idiot.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
I wanted to put together an observation that demonstrated my quirkiness, was funny, and was a topic that many of you could either agree with wholeheartedly, or vehemently disagree with. Without much luck, I decided to take a bathroom break, and that is when I had my "epiphany." As some of you know, I have a certain quirk about going to the bathroom, and I know some of you are with me on this, and some of you are against me.
O.K., my quirk isn't anything disgusting, as is usually the case. It's just that I don't like taking a growler in public restrooms, work restrooms, or any restrooms outside of my house. I find that my best works of "spin art" take place in the confines of my home commode, particularly, the one upstairs. There are times in which I am not at home and nature calls, and I will be forced to drop the trunks in foreign places. This usually happens at work. When I was employed by Penn State Delaware County, I knew the best times of finding an empty restroom at just about any place on campus. In fact, sometimes I would travel clear across campus, just so I could enjoy peace and quiet whilst hanging bananas.
When I left Penn State for Lockheed Martin, my biggest fear would be having to use lavatory facilities that would either be crowded all day, or ones with inconsistent usage - ones in which I wouldn't be able to gauge when a good time to "sink the Bismarck" would be. My fears were warranted, as there seems to never be a time when I can walk into a vacant bathroom to take care of my business. In fact, on numerous occasions, I have traveled to all four restroom facilities in a row in order to find one with nobody in it, so that I could "take the Browns to the Super Bowl."
Unfortunately, once a vacant restroom is found, often times somebody will enter while I'm in the middle of "drowning the brown." I hate this with a passion. I am like a church mouse with this, in that I will stop my crapping until that person leaves. Of course, it is entirely possible that more people will come in - I have spent 25 minutes or more in my own stink a few times, waiting for the coast to be clear. But the thing that pisses me off the most is when I'm in one stall, and somebody else comes in and takes a seat next to me in the other stall. I think it should be common courtesy to not occupy the stall next to one that is being used. I need to be focused to get my job done, and I can't do that when the person next to me is releasing mud eels. It's just not in it for me to be able to do this.
Now, I know some of you take great pride in sharing your crapping experiences with others in the restroom. Some of you go out of the way to be loud, obnoxious, and absolutely smelly in the bathroom. A precious few of you will have conversations with others while "planting the corn." Are you kidding me? How is this possible? Please - this is a private thing. I refuse to let my wife come into the bathroom at home while I'm "feeding the dung beetles." It is my time to be alone, relaxed, and enjoying the smell. I can't do that with others around, forcing their stench on me. No offense, I'm sure you are all great guys, but I don't want to know how your poopie smells or sounds.
Of course, there are some people who take the quirk to a whole new level. First of all, let me say that I am not making this up. Some people actually wrap their hand in toilet paper, and catch their poop so that it does not make any noise. That is truly disgusting and I find no redeeming qualities in that at all. I can accept the fact that some people layer the toilet with paper so that it doesn't splash and it muffles the sound, but people who catch their poop should really consider some psychiatric help, because something isn't right.
Now, before I wrap this observation up, I have some suggestions on how my public dumping experience can be improved. First of all, companies, restaurants, and bars should eliminate stalls, and make personal bathrooms in restrooms with a real door, and real walls, so that the sound and smell can be stifled a little bit. Secondly, there should be some sort of white noise being pumped in these rooms, so that the sound will be hidden even more. I am sure these probably aren't the most efficient, both from a monetary and spatial-use perspective, but my ass and I would surely appreciate it.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
In case some of you don’t know, the Rev is the backup P.A. announcer for the Kixx, and as of yet, he hasn’t had the opportunity to call a game. Plus, Smokin’ has never experienced a KIXX game before, and the team gave him free tickets, so that he could get a better feel for the job responsibilities of the P.A. announcer.
Smokin’ chose last night’s game, which would’ve normally been a good choice, considering the free t-shirt giveaway. HOWEVER, thanks to the short-sightedness of the cities athletic teams, schedulers, and coordinators, the KIXX game (as well as the Flyers game) started at 7:00 p.m. … around the same time as the Army vs. Navy football game was ending.
For those of you unfamiliar, Army/Navy is a huge college football game, usually held in Philly. On the weekend of the game, the city, and South Philly in particular, is overrun by people representing Army and Navy. Most people know that during game-time, it is probably a good idea to avoid South Philly (the location of the stadiums). One would even think that the people who schedule games and events in the other stadiums (the Spectrum, the Wachovia Center, etc.) would either move their games back to maybe 8:00 or 9:00 to accommodate the fans leaving and entering, OR just not bother scheduling games on that day at all.
However, for some reason, these schedulers were about as inept as overweight football referees. It was traumatic, to say the least. I think it may have taken the Rev and me about an hour to find a parking spot … in a location we didn’t even know would be open by the time the KIXX game was over. We had to walk about another 15 minutes to get to the Spectrum, and were lucky enough to make it to our seats just before the start of the game.
We were the lucky ones. Throughout the first half, and into the third quarter, I saw families just making it to their seats for the first time. They had it worse than we did. They got ripped off by missing the entire first half of the game, AND having to go through the headache of dealing with traffic cops and event staff members who had no idea what they were supposed to do. Although I have no proof, I blame John Street (mainly, because I blame everything on John Street).
The rest of the night went much more smoothly. Smokin’ even caught a soccer ball.
Friday, December 01, 2006
So, there’s been a lot of talk and pictures about the recent escapades of the tri-captains of Bimbo Nation – Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Brittany Spears. Seriously, I haven’t seen this much roast beef since I was at the deli. There is now an “argument” or discussion going on as to whether these three rocket-scientists accidentally didn’t wear underwear. Seriously? First of all, why are we spending this much time on these mentally challenged women that make retards blush? Can’t we just enjoy the beaver shots? Obviously, they are doing this on purpose to create publicity for their talent-less asses (as pretty as they may be). Can we just try and ignore them (maybe not the pics)?
Normally, I’m pretty good with my emotions. But, I have this feeling that I’m going to get a little teary-eyed when I leave work today (as you may know, I’m switching jobs). I’m not going to miss the actual work, but I’ve made a lot of good friends here, and the thought of not seeing them every day – I know it’s going to be tough. I am sure I will make friends at Vanguard – heck it’s a great company, which means it has great employees. Plus, I had the same issues and concerns when I left Penn State (I am still friends with many people there). I will miss you, office clowners!!!!
The Sad State of Philadelphia Sports
I try not to write too much about sports here, because quite frankly, many of you could care less about sports. However, when my city’s best chance at a championship is basically the Philadelphia Phillies, I think I deserve to rant a little. What happened to my teams???? Usually, they would string me out an entire season before breaking my heart? Now, they just throw in the towel long before the midway point. Is this how Detroit Lions fans feel every year? If so, I am NOT a fan of this! Granted, with the lack of offseason moves by the Sixers, we expected the outcomes that we are getting. And sure, the Flyers are slow, but the team is usually competitive – BUT NOT THIS YEAR! Weren’t the Eagles supposed to come back hungry? They look famished to me. Do I really need to start getting excited for the Philadelphia Soul, and maybe the next big race-horse from the tri-state area? Ugh!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Another hope of mine is that my new employer, Vanguard, will be my employer for an extended period of time – possibly the rest of my career. I had hoped this was the case with Lockheed as well, but it becomes obvious that if you don’t have a military background, it is darn near impossible to move up in the company, no matter how valued an employee you are.
I am excited, but at the same time nervous about this new opportunity. I know deep down that I’ll be fine, but anytime you go through a change this big, you worry. I’m leaving a position that I had grown accustomed to. I knew what was expected of me, and I knew that I could easily meet those expectations. I knew what I could expect from coworkers, and I knew the “loop-holes” in the department. Now, much like Henry Hudson and Lewis and Clarke, I will be entering a world of unknowns.
I’ve switched jobs a few times before, and each time, I had this uncertainty … but each time, I’ve done pretty well for myself. It has always been a goal of mine, no matter where I was employed, to become a valued and trusted employee – and so far, I’ve done pretty well with that, I think. As I move on to Vanguard, I know that with time, I’ll once again be in that position, but I know that I will have to work hard to get there.
Sorry for the “not funny” blog – just felt I needed to say something about this.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
It seems about 10 years ago, he began dating this girl, and went out with her on a few occasions. During this one date, they went to a Chris Rock concert. Yon, who was … how can I put this … sheltered as a youth, was quite amazed by the make-up of the audience at this show …. So amazed, that he actually leaned over to his date and said something along the lines of, “Wow, it looks like we are the only two white people here.”
This is kind of funny on its own … however, the story actually gets funnier. What Yon somehow didn’t know was that this girl he was dating was a Mulatto. So, technically, Yon was the only white person at the concert. From what I got out of the story, she didn’t really tell him at this point about her ethnicity. In fact, Yon didn’t really put one-and-one together until a few dates later, when he was over at her place, and he noticed a lot of African art on the walls.
Of course, we spent the rest of the afternoon/evening at the bar cracking up about this and absolutely busting his ball (he only has one – long story) about this. I think we even incorporated some Michael Richards jokes into this. Good times all around.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I also fear that because of the PIAA (Pennsylvania’s high school athletic association), Thanksgiving day rivalries may become a thing of the past in this state. This is atrocious on many, many levels. For instance, many high schools make a boat-load of money on these Thanksgiving rivalries, that they can put back into athletics. Interboro (my high school) is one of them. How will they be able to recover these funds? I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to this.
Secondly, many kids growing up looked forward to playing in this big game. If it no longer exists, will some of these kids no longer have interest in sports? Maybe I’m being a little too dramatic with this, but with the interest in playing sports decreasing (thanks to other “hobbies” like television, computers, game consoles), this may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for some.
Additionally, may alumni go to these games to reconnect with other alumni – this has happened to me, and it is one of the things I truly enjoy about Thanksgiving. Now what? I’m sure I can go to the local watering holes to reconnect with alumni who have come back to visit family and friends, but it’s not the same.
The PIAA probably has a number of reasons for not allowing playoff teams to play Thanksgiving day games. But, is it really that bad to push back the playoffs one week, so we can keep this tradition? Other states do this? Why is PA different? I guess I’ll just have to spend the day at home, nursing my annual Thanksgiving hangover.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
My wife and I went Christmas shopping on Saturday at the Christiana Mall in Delaware, and I realized something. I hate malls. Maybe it’s just during Christmas season, but I am annoyed with others who are shopping, the ridiculous prices, and trying to find a parking space. For some reason, I’d much rather go to Target, Circuit, City, Best Buy, or any other department store – please don’t hold that against me.
I spent the entire day at the mall, going into stores, looking at price tags, and thinking to myself that I could do so much more better than this. I’ve realized something about myself. I love to find bargains … this is probably a trait that I got from my mom. But additionally, I don’t enjoy shopping in places where I can’t find anything that I would like to have for myself. I understand that Christmas shopping isn’t about me, totally, however, if I’m in a store, like Pottery Barn, and I find nothing that I long for, I have a tough time purchasing something for others. Maybe, it’s just an illness or something.
My wife told me that I can’t go around buying CDs, DVDs, and games for others, just because I like them. I understand that, but sometimes I just can’t put my mind to buying things for others when I’m not inspired.
Perfect example – we were in this store, and my wife found this photo album that she thought was really cute. I shrugged, and told her that if anybody ever bought me a photo album (without any pictures in it), I’d be offended. It’s not that I don’t like photo albums, but this seems like something I could buy on my own if I needed it, much like socks and underwear.
So, I ended up buying a few little things. My wife was probably pissed off that she spent a day shopping with me – she could do so much better on her own.
In a few days, we’ll be swamped with offers and advertisements for Black Friday. I’ve seen some “sneak previews” from some stores, and I’m intrigued. The thing is that I really don’t feel like getting up at 4:00 a.m. to go Christmas shopping.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Don’t you hate bosses that never seem to keep their employees informed about anything? Yep, you guessed it. I have a boss like this. For starters, he goes on vacation without telling anybody … that’s right, you heard me … WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY! Isn’t this something you might want to mention to people you manage, in case they were wondering where you were? I’m not telling you to give out your cellphone number or anything like that, but just inform everybody that you will be out of the office for the week, and that if you need any help with something, either put it aside, or have somebody serving as your “right-hand man” while you are out.
If that was all he did, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. HOWEVER, he shits on his underlings in other fascinating ways. For instance, he apparently is interviewing people for potential openings in our department. I’m not saying he has to give us pages of background information on each candidate, BUT if he brings them around to us, maybe he should give us a little more information than just saying, “Hey, this is Donna.” Yep, that’s it. I don’t know if I should know the person, or who this person really is. It really pisses me off.
Plus, if he is going to be out of the office for the day, maybe on travel to a meeting in Dahlgren or Bloomsburg, he could maybe tell the office, just in case somebody important was looking for him (yep – this happened to me today).
I’m not sure if I’m more upset with the fact that he does this, or that with all of these “qualifications,” he is my boss. I guess that’s a toss-up. Thank goodness it’s Friday.
Should You Really Be Throwing Darts?
A friend of mine was throwing darts whilst inebriated a few nights ago. On more than one occasion, he walked up to the line to throw darts, and realized he didn’t have the darts in his hands. On another occasion, he told another dart thrower to aim for the M … I think this needs some explanation. On a regular dart board, the 11 can resemble an M … WHEN YOU ARE PLASTERED! I think I’m gonna make a shirt up for him that says “Don’t Drink and Dart.”
Random Conversation of the Week
My wife and I were watching the news, and there was a story about severe weather in the Carolinas in which 11 people died. The odd part about this story was that the reporter said something along the lines of “the death toll is at 11.” It got me to thinking – when is it o.k. to use the “death toll” line? My wife and I decided that if more than 99 people die, using “death toll” is justified. However, anything less, and it is wrong to do so.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time in Atlantic City this weekend – basically broke even, and since the room was free, I feel that I made out pretty well. But man, you could bring a busload of kindergarteners into the place, and I don’t think the average age of casino patrons would drop. Is this all that is left for you when you get old – cashing your social security check and taking the casino bus down to Atlantic City and handing this money over to the casinos?
On a more positive note, the new shopping area at Caesars is phenomenal. Sure, most stores are out of my ballpark, but window shopping there is amazing. Plus, the restaurants/bars they have there are excellent. Two restaurants should be very familiar to Philadelphians – Buddakhan and The Conttinental – catering to upscale and trendy dining and drinking. Additionally, there is a very cool sports bar called Game On, with stadium seating, and countless televisions – I’m guessing it gets really crowded during games, but the atmosphere will probably be great. This shopping area, along with the Borgata, and the French Quarter at the Tropicana are attempts by Atlantic City to compete against Las Vegas … now I’m not saying that they are in the same ballpark as Vegas, but at the very least, they are finally making an effort. And since A.C. is only an hour away from my house, this is a good thing.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Seriously, it depends on what kind of mood I’m in, and how crowded the casino floor is (and yes, it depends on the minimum bet amount on the tables). As far as which table games I like, I have a few. I’ll play some black jack here and there, but it’s not one of my favorites – to tell ya the truth, I don’t know all of the “rules” involved with which cards to hit, when to double up, etc. (I know the easy ones). I also play craps every once in a while, but not whilst intoxicated (I end up making far too many bets, and waking up in the morning wondering how the hell my wallet was emptied). I enjoy Pai Gow poker, but you don’t really win a lot of money in this one (or lose a lot of money either). Once in a while, I’ll play Texas Hold-em, but I get stage fright when I’m not at a table with friends, and playing Hold-em when you’re scared is never a good idea.
As far as slots go, I like video poker … especially if the machine is built into a bar with sports going on (which I’m hoping to find today – I know that Bally’s Wild Wild West has this, but if there’s country music playing, I’m not going to be enjoying myself). I’ll also play a little of the Wheel of Fortune game – won quite a bit of money on this out in Vegas … unfortunately, the A.C. slots aren’t nearly as loose as them (great, now I’m sounding like one of those “blue-hairs”).
It may be a little crowded on Sunday, but it should be rather empty on Monday, so we’ll see. All I know is that I gotta be near a tv (Eagles game and fantasy football) on today.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
My wife and I originally met on a blind date. I don’t think either of us thought much of it. I know she probably lost interest, when the first topic of conversation that I mustered was political talk – specifically, how I thought John McCain would’ve been a better president than G.W. Now, let me make this clear – I hardly EVER talk politics, mainly because the mere thought of all of the political corruptness on both sides makes me vomit internally. But for some reason, this was what came out of my mouth.
Sure, the date eventually went better, and we ended up having a good time, BUT usually the first impression you give is the one that most people remember. The first impression that I got was, “Wow, this girl is really cute!” This probably explains why I came up with a brainfart of a topic to discuss.
After a few days, I called her, but she didn’t return it. I figured I’d make one last ditch effort to talk to her on a Saturday night, prior to a party I was going to. She ended up picking up, but she sounded tired/sick/uninterested. The call lasted maybe 5 minutes. That’s it, I thought. I went out that night not expecting to ever hear from her again.
To my surprise, she called me the next night, and we had a cool 45-minute talk – she later told me that this convinced her to give me another chance. And we never looked back. I guess I convinced her that outside of the dopey political talk, I am actually fun guy. Another plus is that she loves sarcasm, and she has learned to enjoy the Rolling Stones. Of course, she never did get into pro wrestling … which is probably a good thing. Another good thing is that we have numerous tv’s in the house, so she can watch her reality shows and HGTV, while I can go upstairs and watch my Philadelphia sports teams flounder.
I can’t imagine my life without her. She is my best friend, and she has a knack for making me laugh when I’m in a bad mood, and we ALWAYS have fun together. Plus, she’s a piece of ass.
Sorry for the cheesy blog post. I just wanted to let my cutie know that I love her.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
One of the greater Grieb "legendary stories" involves clothes styles and, more importantly, the brand names of clothes that Inga, my mother, has purchased for her family over the years. Even though I haven't lived with my parents for quite a while now, a recent and timely "incident" reinforced the fact that it wouldn't matter how far I moved away from home, I could rest assured that Inga would still be hard at work scouring the globe for excellent deals on brand-named clothes that I have never heard of.
This recent occurrence happened just a few weeks ago - right before the big storm that dumped about a foot of snow on the Philadelphia area - of course there are probably some pundits out there that think this may have been a sign, but let's ignore them and move on. I received a phone call from the said purchaser who informed me that she had found a fantastic deal on a pair of corduroys and purchased them for me. She also notified me that she had to hem four inches off of these pants so that they would fit my "stocky" body. I must've been away from home for too
long, because I was actually excited by the prospect of getting a new pair of pants, even though my mother was the one who made the final purchase. Plus, these cords would be good to wear when shoveling the large amount of snow that we were bracing for.
The night before the snow-storm, Inga dropped off the pants, and other odds and ends (she knows her son loves chocolate chip cookies, and she continues to provide them to him, as evidenced by the expanding waistline of said son). I found the bag attached to the front door, even though my mother has keys to the house. I took the bag in, found the pants, and inspected them more closely. The cords looked pretty good - a dark blue color - my favorite. As I glanced at the tag, expecting to see
"Levis," or "Lee," or "Gap," I was more than surprised to see a brand name that I wasn't familiar with. I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I wasn't seeing things, and sure enough, I wasn't. The name of the company that produced these cords was called, get ready for this, "Big Yank." Wow, how couldn't I wear a pair of "Big Yanks" in front of my friends? I certainly wouldn't be the butt of any jokes for years and years to come, would I? Of course, I decided to wear them the very next day while shoveling snow, and then when Sue, Lisa, and I scurried to a few of the local bars that had remained open during the snow storm. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that these pants were not the least bit comfortable - in fact, Sue said that the pants made me look like Mick Jagger - I'm not sure if that is a compliment or not.
But, as many of you know, Inga has bought some "interesting" clothes for me in the past. It probably goes back to the lederhosen that she made me wear when I was 3-years old. Quite coincidentally, wearing these lederhosen was one of my very first memories, and it wasn't because these lederhosen were cool - it was because they chafed me more than a pair of sand-paper pants would have. There is a great picture out there somewhere that my parents took of me in those lederhosen. You can actually see the pain in my face in this picture, as I am trying to grab a fist-full of leather out of my ass.
In the past, my mom has bought me sneakers from far away lands - I mean, I think they were from far away lands, because the style was hideous, and the names on these sneakers were unimaginable. They made those Traxx sneakers with the Velcro ties sold at K-Mart look like Air Jordans.
One pair was called "Copa 83," and the sneakers were red. I wore these when I fished because I was planning on falling in the water. As it turned out, one day at Crum Creek, I walked into the creek and the sneakers sunk in the mud.
Another pair of sneakers that she bought, from God knows where, was a pair of brown, that's right, brown sneakers called "Nado Super Primo." These were a pair of high-tops from Italy. My mom was especially surprised and excited about this purchase, because the aforementioned sneakers only set her back 4 dollars. I wasn't exactly
sure what situation would require me to wear these sneakers, as the circus had already left town.
Some of the brand-named clothes that she purchased would've been down-right comical, had Inga not mandated that I wear these to school - obviously this was before high school! One such pair of jeans was made by a company called "Smacks." Now, a girl could probably get away with wearing jeans by this company, but a 6th grade boy, such as me, was lucky not to get shoved in a locker after wearing these beauties. I don't exactly remember the logo from this company, but I think it may have included lips. Lets just say the girls weren't knocking the door down at the Grieb household to get to know me.
My mom also bought a pair of hideous brown pants for me, made by a company known as "Uncle Charlie's." I think she actually bought me two pairs of pants by this company - no doubt that she probably sniffed out a two-for-one sale at the local
There are probably many other brands that I have forgotten, and
most-assuredly for good reason. But, hey, they provided a good story, didn't
Monday, November 06, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
It’s a sad day for me (I’m sure I’m not the only one), because I have always LOVED the experience of purchasing an album/cassette/cd (I have well over 1000 cds in my collection). Physically holding the album, admiring the album art, and reading the liners, not to mention actually physically putting the cd into the cd player to listen to the tracks – this I lived for (and continue to live for).
Obviously, the record companies (and stores) have to take a lot of the blame, as they have in recent years jacked up the prices of cds to ridiculous amounts. Plus, it doesn’t seem like there are enough cds that have enough good songs on them to merit their purchase. It is much easier to go to I-Tunes and download one or two songs instead of paying the $15-$20 to buy an entire cd in which you may only listen to one or two songs.
Plus, with the purchasing power that stores like Best Buy and Circuit City have, it is usually more beneficial (at least in terms of cost) to buy at these places. But, variety is usually sacrificed (Best Buy actually isn’t too bad). Limited shelf space means only the most “popular” cds are sold. I hate this, because I generally like to experiment with my music purchases. In the past few years, I’ve started acquiring music via MP3 purchases, and I guess there will eventually come a point when I exclusively do this. I’m just going to miss buying cds.
On a side note, Tower’s “going out of business sale” is not really that astounding – in fact, even with the “30-50%” sales, they still are more expensive than the big box stores. Basically, Tower took all of their “special” pricing off of their merchandise, which was probably around 30% off, and jacked the prices up to the $19 range (for their cds) . I guess I’ll have to wait until December 1, until the “real” savings can be reached … but, by that point, I may only have Federline and Hilton to choose from.
Friday, November 03, 2006
You Call THAT a Special?
I went to Iron Hill Brewery a few nights ago with a fellow Penn Stater for dinner, and a funny thing happened. The waiter asked if I wanted to hear the specials, to which I replied, “sure,” and the waiter says the following: “Let me see if I can pull this out … I have the grilled sausage.” Of course, I pounce all over this, and say something to the effect of “Well, that really didn’t sound so good.” Poor waiter guy was flustered for the rest of the night.
Oil Came from What?
You know, I’ve always been under the belief that oil came from dinosaurs. Ink, a coworker, thought it came from plants and foliage of some sort. Surprisingly, after some research, we found out that neither of us are correct. Apparently, it comes from some sort of small life-form (not really a plant, not really an animal) that ends up dying on the bottom of the ocean floor and forming some sort of sludge. Of course, Ink and I got into an argument over this, and Ink claimed I was lying. I responded with “If you don’t know that you are lying, then you aren’t lying.” Not really sure any of this made sense.
Take That Cigar and Shove It!!!!
This past weekend, Red Auerbach, legendary coach and GM of the Boston Celtics passed away. As a Philadelphia sports fan, I wonder if any of our owners will ever reach this legendary status. The only one that comes anywhere near this is Ed Snider, but his teams really haven’t done much since the Flyers won two Stanley Cups in the 1970’s. Auerback’s Celtics won well over a dozen championships, and probably would’ve won more if Len Bias didn’t overdose on coke back in the day. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m really jealous and I wish we had some competent owners in this city. Please help us!
Office Prank of Sorts
You know what pisses off a lot of people at work? When somebody (me) makes a bag of microwave popcorn in the office. The smell wafts to all corners of the work place and if you listen closely enough, you can hear the collective sound of stomachs growling. Of course, you have to be skilled at popping corn in the microwave – there are some rocket scientists in this building that have caused the fire alarm to go off because (a) they didn’t realize that one can overpop corn, or (b) they decided to go to the bathroom while the corn was popping, and ended up spending too much time in the restroom or forgot about the popcorn altogether. Maybe people should be licensed to pop corn.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Obviously, this day had to come sooner or later, and truthfully, I thought it would’ve happened many years ago. I grew up watching the guy give away cars and lovely dinette sets, not to mention tons and tons of money on Plinko. I enjoyed watching him try to putt the golf ball in the popular “Hole in One” game. I was envious of his cool microphone, and enjoyed trying to guess the price of a six-pack of tic-tacs. I was as shocked as everybody else when he finally stopped dying his hair black.
In my opinion, Bob Barker as a game show host was only bettered by Gene Rayburn (of Match Game fame), and I am concerned/interested in finding out who will replace this celebrated man. Barker outlasted not only every other game show host, but also announcers like Johnny Olson and Rod Roddy. The Price is Right will go on – it is just too fun of a show to fall to the wayside. But, I’d really like to know who is capable of hosting this show for the next few decades (the network did try on numerous occasions to put the show on prime-time, but for some reason, the show never succeeded in the evenings – maybe the game show host does have a lot to do with this).
So, I wanted to see if you guys and gals have any suggestions on who could carry this show into the future. I want this to be fun, so if you had the choice of selecting anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, who would it be?
Here are just a few of my choices:
1. Mike Tyson – Seriously, why not? Wouldn’t it be great to see him screw up, get mad, and punch a contestant in the face? Additionally, his banter with the “Tyson Beauties” would probably be priceless.
2. Michael Jackson – Watching his nose fall off on stage would be worth the investment itself. Unfortunately, the Beauties would probably be replaced by “Jackson’s Juveniles.”
3. Will Farrell – This show could use an injection of humor, and Farrell has plenty to offer.
4. Ric Flair – The glitter of the robes he wears is a perfect fit with this show.
5. Lawrence Taylor – Oh what the heck! Just let him do some blow and give him the microphone. It worked with the Gong Show.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Maybe I’m the only one here, but I refuse to read ALL of this junk. I want to start some sort of grass-roots movement that eliminates this waste … however, outside of writing about it, I’m just too damn lazy. However, I’ve come up with a solution.
I am going to vote for the politician who sends me the least junk. That’s right, maybe some reverse psychology will reverse this nauseating trend. Starting today, I’m keeping track of the political junk mail, and basing my voting on this. I encourage all of you to do the same.
Besides, is there really a better way to pick the politician you want to vote for? They are all corrupt to the gills anyway … and they ALL see-saw on issues more than kids playing at a park. I sent an e-mail to two politicians (Santorum and Casey – a hotly contested Pennsylvania race) a few weeks ago after I watched one of their putrid debates in which all they did was yell at each other, try to speak over each other, and just make a mockery of the entire political process.
In my e-mail, I told them both that I felt ripped off that I would have to vote for one of those two candidates, and openly questioned how either of them could possibly consider themselves the best candidates that their parties could find. They both repeatedly uttered the phrase “Let’s talk about the issues,” but neither of them ever even bothered. What’s the point, anyway? Why should they talk about issues, when they can gain viewership by continuing to be obnoxious jerks. I told them that they should take their show on the road and do some sort of Ultimate Debating/Fighting pay-per-view to help them finance all of the junk mail that they keep sending me. To this point, I haven’t heard anything back…
There, that felt better.
1. On the death of Red Auerbach, legendary coach of the Celtics:Will this be as devastating to the cigar industry as Billy Martin’s death was to the pipe industry?”
2. On a Florida teen who is in hot water for an unusual joy ride he's accused of taking this weekend - allegedly stealing a bus, driving it along a public transit route, picking up passengers and collecting fares:
“Passengers became suspicious when they were being picked up at their bus stops on time.”
3. On police investigating a theft of frozen popsicles:
“they are narrowing the search down to only people with brain freeze and a purple tongue.”
4. On a group of Scottish people complaining about the sale of cheap alcohol:
“That’s right, ruin it for the rest of us, just like Jerry Falwell.”
5. On St. Louis being named the most dangerous city in the U.S:
“Rumor has it, they are thinking of changing the name of the Gateway Arch to the Arch of Doom!”
6. On a flasher being jailed after claiming he wasn’t exposing himself — he was holding a jumbo hot dog:
“The authorities may have believed him if he told them it was a baby gherkin.”
7. On students from Colorado State University attempting to set a new world record for streaking:
“Looks like they are going for a transfer to Florida State.”
8. On British human beings possibly being forced to be 'microchipped' like pet dogs in 10 years, a shocking official report into the rise of the Big Brother state has warned:
“And still, they can’t solve that oral hygiene issue.”
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Anyway, tonight is a very big party night in the US, as we celebrate Halloween … well, Halloween is actually on Tuesday this year, BUT adults like to celebrate this on a Saturday night, as we all dress up in sexy, goofy, slutty, and scary costumes, and then get sexy, goofy, slutty and scary drunk.
Halloween is an interesting holiday in that I believe it was once some sort of Pagan holiday. Basically, children dress up in costumes, go door-to-door and ask for candy. As a kid, I loved this holiday. As an adult, I love it more now.
Tonight, I will be dressing up as legendary NFL broadcaster John Madden. I plan on having pictures up in a couple of days. Sorry this post is so short – I need to work on the costume now (and watching the Penn State game).
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
A toilet that has seen more butts than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include miscellaneous "hair", pee stains and brown streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the Amer ican landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
1. Drops of Jupiter, Train – This song makes me want to flush my head down the toilet. I’m not sure if this song was overplayed in every radio market, but it seemed like every radio station in Philly had a gun pointed to its head, forcing it to play this song at least 10 times a day a few years ago. Thankfully, one hardly ever hears this pile of shite anymore, but I can no longer listen to any song by this band, and I hope they no longer release any more music.
2. Photograph, Nickleback – If there is any song that will make me puke uncontrollably, this is it. I even emailed the band, asking them to break up. This song is reminiscent of the time I tore my ACL – excruciatingly painful.
3. Any song by Creed – I had no idea that a band could have a wolf in heat as its lead singer and be successful. Was this group ever capable of writing any music that didn’t lead people to immediate thoughts of suicide. I think the day they broke up was one of the 10 happiest days of my life.
4. The five Led Zeppelin songs that WMMR and WYSP (radio stations in Philly) continually play – C’mon, guys, do we really need to limit this bands greatness to the overplayed crap you continue to feed us. Most young people will probably be amazed that this band had more than one album. I know it is hard to believe, but some fans may actually want to hear some other tracks besides Stairway to Heaven and Casmir.
5. Crazy Train, Ozzy Osbourne – I could’ve listen a handful of others, but this song really does it for me. The second I hear “Alllllllllll Aboard, Ha-ha-ha-ha,” I reach for the radio dial.
6. Any of the five Audioslave songs that are played every half hour – Sure, Chris Cornell is immensely talented, and Rage of the Machine was cool, but my god, one would think that Audioslave and the Foo Fighters were the only two “newer” bands out there. The stations can’t play enough of the singles, and I swear my ears start to bleed each time I hear them.
7. Any song by Coldplay – The constant whining of the lead singer, in conjunction with the same damn piano work in each song makes me want to rip my radio out of the car and set it on fire. Seriously, I wouldn’t f*ck this group with your dick.
I won’t love you guys and gals any less if you like some or all of these songs. I just needed to blog this for some reason. I apologize if I’ve offended your cd or MP3 collection.
Friday, October 20, 2006
If you’ve ever wondered what it must be like for turtles to have sex, check this out … you’ll thank me later: http://www.noob.us/humor/turtle-rape-caught-on-tape/
Made-up Word of the Week:
Mabilly – Apparently, this is a mix between the words maybe and probably. A friend came up with this one yesterday … and ‘mabilly’ I’ll use it. My claims she can’t use it because it sounds too much like the mascara she uses.
Fantastic Letter of the Week:
I came across this on Fark.com this morning. Did you ever wonder (A) who the worst rated player on the Madden 2007 was, and (B) how he felt about this “distinction?” Again, you can thank me, because the guy sent an actual letter to Madden (complete with some of his red pubes, apparently), and he totally goes off on the fat-man. Tears are still rolling down my eyes. Seriously, you NEED to check this out: http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1/
This wasn’t supposed to happen, was it? Our own Philadelphia Flyers possibly being the worst hockey team in the NHL? Weren’t we just one goal away from the Stanley Cup finals just a few years ago? How can this happen? Who is to blame? Is it the coach, the GM, the players? Probably a lot of all three. The city hasn’t been this turned-off to hockey since the early 1990’s, when Philly missed the playoffs five straight years. Why do I get the feeling Ed Wade is involved in this somehow?
Kim Jong ‘Illin’:
Do you think the guy gets it at this point? North Korea’s leader is about to turn his back on his only real ‘supporters,’ the People’s Republic of China. China has threatened to put sanctions on its support to this nut-case if he continues moving forward with his nuclear practices. If the guy does this, his country will probably become a giant hole in the ground. Even Castro and Cuba bristle when his name is mentioned.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
What’s Wrong with Jennifer?
So, my wife reads the celebrity rags magazines, and I “accidentally” noticed on the cover of one of them that Vince Vaughn cheated on Jennifer Aniston, or so this magazine claims. If this is true, what’s next for Jennifer, Screech? Think about it – when she was with Brad Pitt, she was at the top of the mountain. Then, she went with Vince, and even though he’s funny, I would think that he is a few pegs below Brad. So,what’s wrong with her, anyway? Why can’t she keep a guy for more than a few years? Have I spent too much time on this lame topic?
I Need Your Help
I think I may have posted something similar to this a while ago, but I need a new cool drink to order at the bars when I’m not in the mood for beer. I’ve gotten very sick of Captain and Cokes, and I’ve run my course with Absolute and 7-up. Long Island Iced Teas are too much of a summer drink. I’m willing to give anything a try at this point – not sure if I’m a scotch guy, whiskey guy, or vodka guy – I’ll try anything once. Any suggestions would be appreciated (and please, no drinks with umbrellas in them).
Old Video Games
A few coworkers and I got to talkin’ a few weeks ago about classic arcade games. We discussed some of the obvious ones – Asteroids, Space Invaders, Pac Man, Elevator Action … but there was one game that I remembered playing a whole lot back in the day, and I hadn’t thought about this game until this conversation. It was called Champion Baseball, and basically, you would score a lot of runs in the first couple of innings, and then you’d try to hold off the other team from beating you (if you were good, this lasted until about the 7th or 8th inning). I think I may have won once, but I’m not sure. In case you are interested, you can see some screen shots here.
Monday, October 16, 2006
1. Mick Jagger, circa the early 1970’s glam-rock years – I went full out with lipstick, eye shadow, purple stretch pants. Quite an amazing outfit, if I do say so myself.
2. Drew Carey – I always get compared with him – me being a thinner version of the guy. So, I borrowed some of my dads clothes, stuffed them with pillows, got some black glasses, and ta-da!!!! I actually won the best costume contest at the party I was at.
3. The Nittany Lion – I worked at Penn State Delaware County, one of the branch campuses, and was able to get the mascot costume for the weekend – sure it was hot and sweaty, but it LOOKED cool.
4. Heino – this was my favorite in recent memory. I spent a lot of time trying to find a red sports-coat, and I ordered a mountainous background poster that I was able to attach to the sportscoat (Heino took a lot of pictures in front of mountains). In case you don’t know who Heino is (I’m guessing hardly anyone does), check him out here: http://www.heino.de/
5. The Nature Boy, Rick Flair – This may have been the most elaborate costume I ever did. My wife and I went overboard with his robe – in case you don’t know who Flair is – he is only the greatest professional wrestler of all time. He is also very flamboyant – here is one of his robes, to give you an idea on just how much of an effort we had to put in: http://www.obsessedwithwrestling.com/pictures/r/ricflair/62.jpg
If I ever find any of those pics – I’ll try to post them.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Concert presales are the big thing, and have been for quite a while. Basically, if you like a particular band, you can join their “fan club,” for a nominal fee (for the Stones, it’s $100). Basically, all you get is annoying e-mails about new concerts in Bangladesh, and the opportunity to buy tickets before they go on sale (the only real reason to “join” a fan club). The problem is, that this presale basically sells out concert venues before tickets even go on sale. So, much like new football stadiums, this “nominal fee” becomes more like a personal seat license (PSL) – or in other words, paying for the right to pay for tickets. You know, there is going to be a point where there will be different levels of presales, depending on how much money you are willing to shell out – Platinum presale, Gold presale, etc. Why even bother putting the tickets on sale anymore? This really bugs the sh*t out of me. I remember a day (dating myself here), when we used to have to sleep out in parking lots of stadiums for tickets … now, I didn’t much enjoy that, but still, THAT was better than this presale scam.
Stupid Conversation/Quote of the Week:
“Wait, scallops are shellfish? I thought they were like oysters.” A coworker of mine, Kurtis was wondering why he broke out after eating scallops at a wedding. After a brief discussion, it finally clicked in his head, but we didn’t even get into the whole conversation about oysters being shellfish. Your tax dollars at work.
Cool Band Name of the Week:
Thundersnow – I heard a weather forecaster use this term this morning, and thought it ruled.
Made up Word of the Week:
Lunch Box – Now, I know this is an actual word, BUT I just found out this week that you use this word as a put-down to somebody you don’t like. For instance, you see a jerk crossing the street when the light is red, and you say, “Hey, look at that Lunch Box over there.” I don’t know – it seemed funnier at the time …
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A college friend of mine e-mailed me this beauty, and I’m still laughing, so I did what any blog-buddy in their right mind would do – I decided to share it with you:
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would
you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said,
"Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
Yellowstone Park Blowout????
I saw a show on the History Channel regarding Yellowstone Park and how it is actually the largest volcano in North America, and when it eventually blows again, it will create worldwide chaos. Do you think the park rangers at Yellowstone enjoyed this one? How about the marketing people at Yellowstone? I ask this because after viewing this, there is no way I am EVER going to Yellowstone. Just thought I’d share.
El Nino Alert
I heard on the news this morning that we should be having a mild winter and save lots of money on heating expenses thanks to El Nino. My first thought was, is this the Hispanic Santa Claus? Or maybe this is what you get after you eat bad Mexican food. Then, of course, I remembered that we had El Nino a bunch of years ago, when we had droughts and really hot weather (at least that’s what we had on the East coast). Helluva way to spin this into a good story. As an aside, this story reminded me of when Chris Farley played “El Nino” on Saturday Night Live, and the classic line – “El Nino, which is Spanish for … the Nino.”
Monday, October 09, 2006
It was enjoyable to watch yet another chapter in T.O.’s book, “How to Dismantle a Team” last night. Owens only caught 3 balls, and none of them were very meaningful, but the cameras caught him yelling at just about everybody on the sidelines … I bet Parcels asked Owens’s doctor to up the dosage just in case. Funny how T.O. has the “balls” to yell at everybody on his team EXCEPT for Parcels. I bet coach was secretly hoping that T.O. would’ve approached him, because I bet Parcels would’ve given him a Stone Cold Stunner for his efforts. High comedy! And if you didn’t catch it, T.O. threw his quarterback under the bus at the press conference afterwards, saying something to the effect of “You guys saw the game …. I wasn’t the one pulling the trigger.” Can’t wait until T.O. accuses Bledsoe of being gay. I sincerely hope that the Cowboys spiral downward because of this one.
Let’s See Who Else I can Offend ...
I was at the bar watching the Eagles game last night, and two people (in their early 20’s) walked in with T.O. jerseys. Seriously, guys, what was your motivation? You walk into a Philly bar with those jerseys on, you are probably looking for a fight … thankfully, (A) the people at the bar totally ignored them, and (B) the Eagles won. I did wonder out loud if the kid had run out to purchase an Eric Stahl jersey after the Carolina Hurricanes won the cup, or if he had a John Garland White Sox jersey, but got rid of it because they didn’t make the playoffs this season. What a tool.
What’s The Deal?
Are air-conditioning and heater repair people just like the cable people? The reason I ask this is because I had to take off work today to wait for the repair guy to give my heater a check-up … sure, this task only takes about 20 minutes or so, HOWEVER the repair guy said he would be at my house sometime between 11 and 4. Great, thanks for ruining the middle part of my day, dickhead. Not that I don’t mind staying home from work, but I can’t really go anywhere, because I gotta wait for the guy with plumber’s butt to fondle my heater.
F the Yankees
By the way, congrats to the Detroit Tigers for eliminating the most despicable team in sports, the New York Yankees. Anytime I can see Steinbrenner upset, it’s a wonderful moment. Plus, it is good to see Jim Leyland doing a great job as manager for Detroit, because the Phillies ignored him when he openly asked to manage the ball club. Now, Steinbrenner is panicking, and will probably fire the only guy on that team that is likeable… Joe Torre. Good work, boss. Maybe you should just up the payroll to $300 million and get it over with, you jerk.