Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Who ... Does ... Number ... 2 ... Work ... For?

In addition to the quote list, I put together a “number 2” list. For those of you who aren’t good with numbers, it’s a list of different phrases used for taking a dump. I have about 126 of these – I wanted to share with you my favorites. If there are any you’d like to share, please feel free to do so (and if you don’t mind, I’ll add them to my list). Oh, and if you’re interested in looking over all of them, you can find them here: http://losrulz.tripod.com/

· "I just mailed a turd to the sewer using Crapper's Same-Day Delivery."
· "I'm gonna pay a visit to the Angry Chair.”
· "I've got a meeting to attend at the oval office."
· "I'm gonna go lob one at the pipes."
· "I just returned from hangin' bananas."
· "I have to unleash the party snakes."
· "I just planted some toilet corn."
· "I'm going to solid fart."
· "I'm going to 'give the brown tongue.'"
· "Time to go drown some brown."
· "I was just haulin' a turd trailer."
· "I just flew the toilet kite."
· "I just dropped mud."
· "I'm going to make rotten apples."
· "I just dropped some rope."
· "I was just in the fecal position."
· “I ripped off some tree bark."
· "I have to go feed the dung beetles."
· "I just created some dark matter."
· "I just 'Clubber Langed' the toilet."
· "I went to the Commode County Fair this morning and made Brown Funnel Cake."
· "I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl."
· "I have to download a fecal file.""I have a runner in scoring position."

Sunday, February 24, 2008

So, I’ve neglected my quote list … “what quote list?” you may be asking … Well, ever since college, I’ve been keeping a quote list – which is comprised of the funniest and/or stupidest (is that even a word?) quotes I’ve ever heard. Barbara Peapod actually listed a few of them a few weeks ago, and it motivated me to start keeping track of stupid quotes again. I was just going through the list again … and I’m having trouble breathing I’m laughing so hard. I’m going to throw out 10 funny quotes and few thoughts about each of these. Hopefully, you’ll find the humor in them as well. Oh, and if you’re interested in looking over all of them, you can find them here: http://losrulz.tripod.com/

1. "Hey Big Oren, where's the chicken?" – This was a gem from Mung, one of my college roommates. We were in Cleveland last Spring, and we were stumbling out of a bar. Mung, as usual, was hungry, and immediately assumed the closest passerby (a) was named Oren, and (b) knew where we could find some good chicken.

2. What's your favorite Italian food?" "French Bread." – My wife, Schue, and I were having a conversation about Italian food. I had mentioned that I’m not a big fan of Italian food. This is when she asked me this question.

3. “Just because he looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, doesn’t mean Smokin’ can clean like her.” – My friend Ray-Ray commenting on the Rev’s house.

4. "A funny odor? What, did a clown fart?" – My friend Ink came up with this beauty. Now, when anybody says they smell something funny, I picture Krusty lifting his leg.”

5. "I have a math party to go to." "I hope they are serving pi." – My friend Walt is a math teacher. He mentioned that he had a math party to go to. I love puns and couldn’t resist.

6. "I forgot my belt today. Thank goodness I'm fat." – Hey, what good are you if you can’t make fun of yourself?

7. "The French are tampons ... stuck-up p*ssies." – My friend Rob came up with this zinger … well, I’m not sure if he was the first to ever utter these words, but it’s the first time I’VE ever heard it.

8. "All this talk about death is making me hungry." – We were having this intense talk about death right before lunch this one time …

9. "I'm so white, I create problems on dance floors." – Unless, of course, they are playing a Rolling Stones song.

10. "Gimme the Glug, the Skog and the Unk." – Mung talking about shopping at Ikea.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Odds and Ends ...

1. You would think that I’d be able to enjoy President’s Day by sleeping in .... Nope, Modern Exterminator made sure that this wasn’t the case – the exterminator called me at 7:00 in the morning on Monday to see if he could “service the house” sometime between 10 and 12. This company must be in dire need of money if THEY are calling THEIR customers! Could you imagine if Comcast Cable was this proactive (or gave this much of a rat’s ass about its customers)? Anyway, just another reason to thank my wife for paying the $500 to kill a mouse …

2. I’ve probably discussed this before, but do you think David Grohl is the happiest person alive for the demise of Nirvana? Cobain seemed a little to self centered – always complaining about the strain of music pressure on himself, but never acknowledging the band. Cobain complained that HE had to be the creative one to come up with the music, and sometimes he wished somebody else could help him write. Obviously, he really knew his bandmates well, for all he had to do was look over his shoulder at his own friggin’ drummer for assistance … but that probably would’ve cramped his “legendary” style.

3. So, there was a time when sports was an escape for all of us, right? But, with the whole steroids situation in baseball, and the Spygate situation in football, what do we as fans do now? Thanks to these situations, anytime a team or individual reaches some sort of milestone, we’ll have to question it, and really won’t be able to appreciate it for what it is.

4. I decided to watch the movie Reno 911 – Miami this weekend. Now, let me set this up for you. First of all, I am NOT a fan of the Comedy Central tv show. The camera style used in the show is kind of annoying to me, and the few episodes I did sit through produced nothing more than a few chuckles. But let me tell ya, the movie IS VERY funny. It’s as if professional writers actually did the script, a professional director ran the movie, and professional camera people were hired. Also, there were quite a few funny cameos in this surprisingly good flick. Maybe I’ll have to give the tv show another chance … maybe.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A New Discovery ...

I came to a conclusion a few weeks ago at work, after much “picking.” Before your dirty minds start cranking out ideas, I’ll let you in on it - I think I may have purchased the absolute worst boxer briefs ever made. Sorry to all those folks who were disappointed by this revelation.
You’re probably wondering how I was able to come to such a conclusion … either that, or you really don’t care so much about my underwear trials and tribulations (and if that’s the case, I really don’t blame you). I’ve been spending an enormous amount of time throughout the day pulling out these enormous wedgies that I’ve been getting. It’s as if these boxers were cookies and my ass was the Cookie Monster, either that or my ass has been like a vacuum cleaner, sucking up the lint … which of course is being represented by these boxer briefs.

I remember buying said underwear at a department store a few months ago, opting to buy the brand that was a couple of dollars less. If anything, I learned a VERY important lesson that day, my friends – there are some items which one should not spare expense on. Actually, I’ve known about some of these for quite some time – items such as trash bags and shoes quickly come to mind. Well, congratulations boxer briefs, for you have finally made this exclusive list!

I would estimate that I pick this wedgie about 5 times a day, and I may be a little conservative with this estimate. The more embarrassing thing is that I’ve been caught picking my wedgie on numerous occasions. It’s a tough thing to brush off, and it’s really difficult to make out like you were doing something else (for instance, when you trip while you are walking, sometimes you can pretend that you were jogging). I’m probably known in some circles of the office as Mr. Wedgie, or something like that … all because I wanted to save a few bucks on underwear.

On a side note, one truly underratedly good feeling is the feeling you get after pulling a wedgie out of your ass. Some words that don’t fully describe this feeling include satisfaction, freedom, and invincibility.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Mr. Trendy ...

I may or may not have blogged about this before – so if I did, I apologize. My wife and I got into talking about my parents – specifically my mom. When I was growing up, my mom often dressed in weird outfits, such as lederhosen, and plaid suits that Danny Terio probably wouldn’t even wear. As an aside (or not), my parents have always been frugal with money – this is what happens when you grow up in Germany during World War 2, and the massive depression that followed.

Anyway, because of this, the clothes my mom got me tended to be on the … let’s say … cheaper side. I’m pretty sure my parents could’ve afforded much better clothes for their kids at this point, but sometimes frugality sticks with you. And hey, my parents are awesome, and have done a lot for me over the years, so I can’t hardly hold it against them. And besides, they have produced some gut-busting stories.

Well, I decided to do a search to see if I could find any information on some of these “brand-name” clothes and shoes my mom would buy for me. I stumbled across something sort of interesting – another blogger had blogged about one of my blog posts about these weird brands (he did this in November, 2006). I was kind of flattered by this – and I wish I would’ve known about this complement back then! Here’s the site – you need to scroll to the bottom to see the reference to me: http://www.namedevelopment.com/blog/archives/2006/11/default.html

Sadly, I couldn’t find any pictures of Smacks Jeans, Uncle Charlies pants, or Big Yanks corduroys. I also couldn’t find any pics of the red Copa 83 sneakers, or the $4.00 brown Nado Super Primos kicks my mom was able to find at a local grocery store. But, I did remember a few other “interesting” stories. For instance, my mom bought me a few pairs of “Traxx” sneakers from K-mart back in the day. Not only couldn’t they spell the damn name right, they had that ridiculous Velcro strap (as opposed to the shoelaces that normal sneakers require). You can probably imagine the coolness that oozed from me as I walked the middle school hallways in my Smacks jeans and Traxx kicks.

It didn’t stop there. Remember those Kangaroos sneakers – you know, the ones with the zippers on the side? What a novel idea! You could fit about 2 quarters in those pockets, if you were lucky … and you know what, I did. I would go to the arcades, and instead of putting the money in my pant pockets, which would’ve been much easier, I stuck them in my sneakers, so I would have to bend all the way over and unzip them in order to get quarters to play the arcade games … basically, stretching the limits of my Uncle Charlies brown pants. I’m surprised I wasn’t shoved in lockers back at school. Now, in researching on the internet, it seems that the “Roos” are still pretty popular in certain parts of the world …maybe I was a trend-setter, or something … probably not.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Rodenticide ...

So, you may or may not have heard about our little mouse problem we’ve had for the past 4 months or so. If not, basically, my wife saw a mouse walk across our living room floor, she freaked (Mariah Carey was jealous on how high my wife was able to scream), stayed over her parents’ place for 2 days, called an exterminator, and paid the guy $500 to tell us that he didn’t see any mice ..., oh, he did put some traps around the place (basically, just little boxes with poison in them), and gave us some advice on how to “secure” our house.

In the past 4 months, we’ve seen a mouse on a handful of occasions, which, of course prompted the same glass shattering yelp from my wife. One time, I was so fed up with the mouse, that I got a hammer, and started hammering the closet floor in the hopes of splattering the varmint. I missed him, he took off down the hall, and my glasses flew from my face. Thankfully, this moment of comedy was enough to calm my wife down.

We hadn’t seen the mouse since … until last night. We were in our basement after a busy night of hanging with family and friends (two different get-togethers). We had just gotten new furniture for our basement (my wife says our basement no longer looks like a college dorm … sigh). We were hanging our, unwinding, watching some tv, listening to some music, and having a few final beers. My wife initially noticed a foul odor coming from behind the bar … weird, because I was nowhere near there. I went back there too, and smelled it – I immediately thought that our mouse friend had finally kicked the bucket, but we couldn’t locate him (I thought that maybe he died underneath the bar).

I went back and sat on the couch, while my wife continued inspecting … then, she unfortunately found it … I could tell because of the blood that was flowing from my ears thanks to a shriek that wolves in the Poconos could hear (eminating from the throat of my wife). The mouse had indeed died, but that wasn’t the funny thing (wait, is that even funny?). The location of where the mouse did was ironic, and quite hysterical. The critter kicked the bucket on the picture of ham that my friends at Lockheed had purchased for me (it wasn’t on the wall, because my wife had accidentally knocked it off the wall a few months ago). It goes to prove my point about how disgusting ham is.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Other Things ...

A few more fleeting thoughts …

1. One morning/afternoon, after a long night of drink….er, I mean, studying, a few of my college roommates/friends and I went down to a diner to eat a late breakfast. One of my “intelligent beyond his years” roommates quipped that he thought it would be a great idea if somebody developed a nutrient enriched beer. The rest of us grunted and snorted, as we emptied the breakfast contents of our plates down our collective gullets. None of us thought this was a particularly good, or interesting idea, at the time.

Sure, we still haven’t seen a nutrient enriched beer hit the market (might be a good thing, because I would probably die of being too fit, if that were the case), but Coke has a nutrient enriched cola on the market now. Aside from it being one step closer to the aforementioned beer, where the hell was this idea when I was a 2-3 can soda junkie back when I was a teenager?

2. A few of my friends scoffed at me for rooting for the Giants in the Super Bowl last weekend … basically saying that I wasn’t a real Eagles fan if I rooted for the Giants. In all honesty, I was more rooting against the Patriots (check), and also rooting for an entertaining football game (double check). Now that Jeremy Shockey is hurt, the Giants are a lot easier to root for, even with their annoying fans (hey, they’re a lot like us … without the heartache and heartburn of never winning a Super Bowl). I think the ultimate culprit in the Patriots’ loss was the Patriots (Karma played a humiliating game of testicle tennis with them).

3. Is anybody else giving anything substantial up for Lent? I always have a tough time picking something, and once again, I don’t think I’m really giving anything up for Lent. I know, I know, I probably should, but hey – isn’t this part of the Catholic religion? I’m a Lutheran, which means that I am a natural slacker.

4. Speaking of being Lutheran, we don’t quite celebrate Ash Wednesday, certainly not like some religions, in which one gets ash put on his/her forehead, resembling a cross. I always forget about this, and am initially shocked when I see people walking around looking as if somebody decided to put out his/her cigarette on their skull.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

More Stuff ....

A few more random thoughts …

1. I loved the Super Bowl – I’m not a fan of either team, but that was one heckuva 4th quarter – sometimes, that’s all you can ask for.

2. The writers’ appears to be almost over, thankfully. Unfortunately, it took some casualties already … like the second half of The Office, 24, and about ½ of the Lost episodes. It seems like these shows have been replaced by yet even more reality shows … book sales must be up, though.

3. Was it me, or did it look as if Tom Petty is slowly starting to morph into Bob Dylan. Petty put on a decent half-time show, but the man has about as much stage presence as bird gravel.

4. Super Tuesday came and went … you know, maybe I don’t pay enough attention to politics, but has Super Tuesday always been a big deal? I’m waiting for Tostitos to buy the rights to this.

5. The Super Bowl commercials were a let-down as usual. There were a few funny commercials, though – like the one with Alice Cooper and Richard Simmons, or the Pepsi commercial with Christ Kattan, or the e-trade commercial with the baby that puked. I bet the sponsors were pissed when the Giants opened the game with an 8+ minute drive.

6. Will Farrell + semi pro basketball league = funny?

7. I wonder if there are bets out there as to who will be doing the Super Bowl halftime show next season. Here are a few bands that should NEVER be allowed to play: Creed, 3-Doors Down, Train, and Creed … wait, did I say Creed twice? Well, they REALLY shouldn’t be allowed to play.

8. Apparently, there is some super stomach virus going around – giving people the runs, a bad fever, and the power vomits for a few days. Please, don’t let me get this!

9. I heard somewhere that Tom Hanks was originally considered to play Bill Murray’s character in Groundhog Day … I think they made the right choice. Al Pacino was apparently supposed to play Han Solo in Star Wars … again, the right choice was made. The role of Cameron Fry in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was originally offered to Anthony Michael Hall … thankfully (not for him), he declined. Weird.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Grocery Shopping Nightmares

After today's grocery shopping trip, I am CONVINCED that a grocery shopping class should be developed. In order to be allowed to grocery shop, you would have to pass this class. On numerous occasions today (and in past grocery shopping excursions), I was close to going postal. I'm amazed at the lack of simple logic that many people experience whilst getting groceries. Below, are just a few of the ignorant "mistakes" that I noticed:

1. People leaving their shopping carts in the very middle of the aisles, impeding traffic to flow smoothly. I absolutely love this. I sit and stare at these people. and they seem to just ignore me while they go about their business. I want to take the shopping cart and make these people swallow the wheels.

2. When I'm looking at items, like soup, it is inevitable that somebody will place their cart in front of me, again, seemingly not being able to even see me. Are these ass-hats hypnotized by the plethora of advertisements that are seemingly overloading their limited brain functions?

3. People who will place their carts next to someone else's cart, eliminating any possibility of anybody passing through the aisle. Is it really that difficult to move your cart out of the way?

4. People that bring their kids with them, and absolutely not caring what their kids are doing. Again, these kids clog up the aisles, run into other shoppers, knock over displays, and just make the entire shopping experience miserable for everyone else. Shouldn't you, at the very least, be making sure your kids are under control?

5. People who go grocery shopping with their friends, and who take multiple carts around, again, clogging up every single area of the supermarket. I don't have a problem if you want to make shopping a social event, but follow some sort of rules, like making sure that you allow others to maneuver past you and your posse. I know it's hard to believe, but there are others who are shopping.

There, I feel better. If you have any others, let me know!