Holy Makeup, Batman!

In a “sad” turn of events, Tammy Faye Messner has announced that she has inoperable cancer and is down to a puny 65 pounds. In case the name doesn’t sound familiar, she used to be known as Tammy Faye Bakker, part of the “diabolically” religious show, the PTL club. And though I never wish anything like this on anybody (except for Barry Bonds), I have a hard time feeling sorry for her … before you throw something at me, let me explain.

I remember when I was just a young Los, going through the channels and trying to find something on television in the mornings … this was before we had cable TV … even before we had a television with a remote control (seriously). I inevitably would pass by the PTL club, and had to sit back and watch a few minutes of this circus. Every time, it would be the same thing – Jim, the host, would be doing some sort of heavy praying … almost being brought to tears … concentrating so hard that I thought he was going to take a growler in his pants.

And, right on cue, the camera would pan over to Tammy, who looked like she was skull-f*cked by a gang of angry clowns. The tears were rolling off of her face, taking some of the astronomical amounts of makeup with them and leaving hideous blackish trails all over her face.

I was amazed that anybody in their right mind would call in to give money to this show, but apparently there were a few suck… er, Christians who were hypnotized enough by this car-wreck of a show that would actually call in and give large sums of money. Of course, after a few years, some Clouseau exposed a major scandal, and the PTL ended. Jim Bakker probably had that constipated look on his face, because he was hiding the big wads of cash where the sun don’t shine.

As luck would have it, Tammy wasn’t finished. She resurfaced most recently on the Surreal Life tv show, and befriended porn star Ron Jeremy, which makes about as much sense Superman befriending Lex Luther … or something like that.

As an aside, somebody told me that Tammy actually stopped using makeup, and had the “make-up” look tattooed onto her face permanently. As ludicrous as this sounds, I’m guessing this probably saved her a boat-load of money in the long run. I’m pretty sure Revlon, or whatever company she bought from, took a major financial hit when she did this. But I digress …

Anyway, I guess I should end this by saying something nice … but I’m drawing a blank. I just hope that the media do not give her the “Anna Nicole” treatment after she passes … or maybe I should hope that they do, because I’m sure there’ll be a lot of high comedy to come out of it.