Sunday, December 10, 2006

Urinal Ettiquette

I received this from a friend, and wanted to share - I found it hysterical:

Urinal Etiquette

Awareness is the key to avoiding everything from terrorism and wars to bathroom embarrassment. This is by no means a complete list but to date 12/8/2006 this is what we’ve seen so far. But this may help you avoid embarrassment as well as prepare you for what you may see out there. It can be traumatic.

Mourner –The most proper position according to urinal etiquette. Both hands where they should be and looking downward as if you are mourning the loss of a loved one.

Leaner – This urinal patron feels the need to use one arm to steady themselves on the wall. Someone of this class usually also subscribes to the Grunter classification.

Grunter – A Grunter can be mixed with any other class, but involves a lot of vocalization while they perform the duties at the urinal. Usually consist of grunts, groans, and general sounds of enjoyment. Too much for being alone usually with a few other men in the room.

Look Ma, No Hands – The LMNH is a very proud individual. They place both hands on their hips with their arms at 30 degree angles allowing gravity to work its magic. Often is associated with a LookeeLoo and a Gabber.

Napper – A Napper enjoys the feel of cold tiles against him as he leaves his gift to the urinal gods. He places both arms on the wall behind the urinal from hand to elbow and usually places his head onto his arms. Sort of a mix between the LMNH and a Leaner.

Runner – This patron acts as if he is running a marathon while at the urinal. Heavy breathing and sweating are common signs that this person is a Runner.

LookeeLoo – A LookeeLoo is an individual that feels the need to peek over at the patron next to them at the urinal. No one truly knows their reasons, do they want a peek? Do they just want to see who is there? It’s a mystery to be sure.

Gabber – A man that feels the need to talk to the individual next to them in the urinal stalls. This conversation is never interesting and usually consist about a stupid joke about work, the weather, or the act of peeing itself. This is a vast breach of etiquette and should never be done; especially if you mix a Gabber with a LookeeLoo.

Swayer – Very simple classification where the man at the stall feels the need to sway back and forth while they do their duty.

Spitter – A patron that feels the need to hawk a loogie in the urinal stall. Not only rude but disgusting and should never be done. If you do this, stop immediately. Some people do not appreciate seeing your mucus while they are using the urinal.

Full Mooner – Mostly seen among the youngest of urinal goers; the Full Mooner drops everything for the entire world to see while they do their business. This is the largest breach of etiquette known to man today and should be punishable by death.

Flubber – From the phrase “to flub”. Someone who can’t aim and ends up peeing on the wall, sides of the urinal. This patron results in future users standing further away from the urinal which increases the chances of the LookeeLoo.

Stalker – A person that always seems to be at the urinal at the exact same time as you regardless of the time of the day. Whenever you feel the need to go, you can be sure this man will be right there waiting for you.

Ripper – This patron always seems to let out a stream of flatulence while you are standing next to him while performing his duties at the urinal.

Ghoster – The person that seems to do nothing but stand there usually due to pee shyness. But don’t worry, there is help for you: www.paruresis.com/.

Hiker - While not technically at the stall itself, this patron will travel far distances to find an empty restroom.

8 comments:

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I am a ripper at times.

It's such a great feeling.

Eric said...

My office is full of flubbers and gabbers, it isn't usually a great bathroom experience for me.

iamunstoppable said...

i have been forced to become a hiker due to bumping into every one of these types on a daily basis.

however, now i have found my own private oasis.. so they can all kiss my pasty white toosh.

-B- said...

I've encountered a few of these - mostly the Gabber and the Ghoster.

My 3 1/2 year old son still does the Full Mooner! I am trying to put a stop to that! lol

Superstar said...

I have no idea...I just thought y'all stood there and looked up....

I stand edified...

Los said...

Rev - for the record, I hate rippers .. if nobody else is around, it's fine, but it is disrespectful if someone else is around.

Eric - I HATE the gabbers! Let me pee in peace.

IAM -I've resorted to hiking on many occasions.

B - I've done the full moon whilst drunk.

Superstar - See what you are missing out on?

Jeff said...

This right after the post about tracking low-use times of various toilets at work. Karl is a closet stalker.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Ah, the urinal. Fine list. Certain restrooms seem to inspire certain techniques of relief. You ever notice how there are more leaners out there on St. Patricks day than any other day of the year.