Who Does Number 2 Work For?

(This was a post I had done a few years ago on my old website, but since I just started working at a new company, I think it is fitting, as now I will have to figure out when and where to … well, you’ll get the picture after reading this post.)

I wanted to put together an observation that demonstrated my quirkiness, was funny, and was a topic that many of you could either agree with wholeheartedly, or vehemently disagree with. Without much luck, I decided to take a bathroom break, and that is when I had my "epiphany." As some of you know, I have a certain quirk about going to the bathroom, and I know some of you are with me on this, and some of you are against me.

O.K., my quirk isn't anything disgusting, as is usually the case. It's just that I don't like taking a growler in public restrooms, work restrooms, or any restrooms outside of my house. I find that my best works of "spin art" take place in the confines of my home commode, particularly, the one upstairs. There are times in which I am not at home and nature calls, and I will be forced to drop the trunks in foreign places. This usually happens at work. When I was employed by Penn State Delaware County, I knew the best times of finding an empty restroom at just about any place on campus. In fact, sometimes I would travel clear across campus, just so I could enjoy peace and quiet whilst hanging bananas.

When I left Penn State for Lockheed Martin, my biggest fear would be having to use lavatory facilities that would either be crowded all day, or ones with inconsistent usage - ones in which I wouldn't be able to gauge when a good time to "sink the Bismarck" would be. My fears were warranted, as there seems to never be a time when I can walk into a vacant bathroom to take care of my business. In fact, on numerous occasions, I have traveled to all four restroom facilities in a row in order to find one with nobody in it, so that I could "take the Browns to the Super Bowl."

Unfortunately, once a vacant restroom is found, often times somebody will enter while I'm in the middle of "drowning the brown." I hate this with a passion. I am like a church mouse with this, in that I will stop my crapping until that person leaves. Of course, it is entirely possible that more people will come in - I have spent 25 minutes or more in my own stink a few times, waiting for the coast to be clear. But the thing that pisses me off the most is when I'm in one stall, and somebody else comes in and takes a seat next to me in the other stall. I think it should be common courtesy to not occupy the stall next to one that is being used. I need to be focused to get my job done, and I can't do that when the person next to me is releasing mud eels. It's just not in it for me to be able to do this.

Now, I know some of you take great pride in sharing your crapping experiences with others in the restroom. Some of you go out of the way to be loud, obnoxious, and absolutely smelly in the bathroom. A precious few of you will have conversations with others while "planting the corn." Are you kidding me? How is this possible? Please - this is a private thing. I refuse to let my wife come into the bathroom at home while I'm "feeding the dung beetles." It is my time to be alone, relaxed, and enjoying the smell. I can't do that with others around, forcing their stench on me. No offense, I'm sure you are all great guys, but I don't want to know how your poopie smells or sounds.

Of course, there are some people who take the quirk to a whole new level. First of all, let me say that I am not making this up. Some people actually wrap their hand in toilet paper, and catch their poop so that it does not make any noise. That is truly disgusting and I find no redeeming qualities in that at all. I can accept the fact that some people layer the toilet with paper so that it doesn't splash and it muffles the sound, but people who catch their poop should really consider some psychiatric help, because something isn't right.

Now, before I wrap this observation up, I have some suggestions on how my public dumping experience can be improved. First of all, companies, restaurants, and bars should eliminate stalls, and make personal bathrooms in restrooms with a real door, and real walls, so that the sound and smell can be stifled a little bit. Secondly, there should be some sort of white noise being pumped in these rooms, so that the sound will be hidden even more. I am sure these probably aren't the most efficient, both from a monetary and spatial-use perspective, but my ass and I would surely appreciate it.