Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Who Does Number 2 Work For?

(This was a post I had done a few years ago on my old website, but since I just started working at a new company, I think it is fitting, as now I will have to figure out when and where to … well, you’ll get the picture after reading this post.)

I wanted to put together an observation that demonstrated my quirkiness, was funny, and was a topic that many of you could either agree with wholeheartedly, or vehemently disagree with. Without much luck, I decided to take a bathroom break, and that is when I had my "epiphany." As some of you know, I have a certain quirk about going to the bathroom, and I know some of you are with me on this, and some of you are against me.

O.K., my quirk isn't anything disgusting, as is usually the case. It's just that I don't like taking a growler in public restrooms, work restrooms, or any restrooms outside of my house. I find that my best works of "spin art" take place in the confines of my home commode, particularly, the one upstairs. There are times in which I am not at home and nature calls, and I will be forced to drop the trunks in foreign places. This usually happens at work. When I was employed by Penn State Delaware County, I knew the best times of finding an empty restroom at just about any place on campus. In fact, sometimes I would travel clear across campus, just so I could enjoy peace and quiet whilst hanging bananas.

When I left Penn State for Lockheed Martin, my biggest fear would be having to use lavatory facilities that would either be crowded all day, or ones with inconsistent usage - ones in which I wouldn't be able to gauge when a good time to "sink the Bismarck" would be. My fears were warranted, as there seems to never be a time when I can walk into a vacant bathroom to take care of my business. In fact, on numerous occasions, I have traveled to all four restroom facilities in a row in order to find one with nobody in it, so that I could "take the Browns to the Super Bowl."

Unfortunately, once a vacant restroom is found, often times somebody will enter while I'm in the middle of "drowning the brown." I hate this with a passion. I am like a church mouse with this, in that I will stop my crapping until that person leaves. Of course, it is entirely possible that more people will come in - I have spent 25 minutes or more in my own stink a few times, waiting for the coast to be clear. But the thing that pisses me off the most is when I'm in one stall, and somebody else comes in and takes a seat next to me in the other stall. I think it should be common courtesy to not occupy the stall next to one that is being used. I need to be focused to get my job done, and I can't do that when the person next to me is releasing mud eels. It's just not in it for me to be able to do this.

Now, I know some of you take great pride in sharing your crapping experiences with others in the restroom. Some of you go out of the way to be loud, obnoxious, and absolutely smelly in the bathroom. A precious few of you will have conversations with others while "planting the corn." Are you kidding me? How is this possible? Please - this is a private thing. I refuse to let my wife come into the bathroom at home while I'm "feeding the dung beetles." It is my time to be alone, relaxed, and enjoying the smell. I can't do that with others around, forcing their stench on me. No offense, I'm sure you are all great guys, but I don't want to know how your poopie smells or sounds.

Of course, there are some people who take the quirk to a whole new level. First of all, let me say that I am not making this up. Some people actually wrap their hand in toilet paper, and catch their poop so that it does not make any noise. That is truly disgusting and I find no redeeming qualities in that at all. I can accept the fact that some people layer the toilet with paper so that it doesn't splash and it muffles the sound, but people who catch their poop should really consider some psychiatric help, because something isn't right.

Now, before I wrap this observation up, I have some suggestions on how my public dumping experience can be improved. First of all, companies, restaurants, and bars should eliminate stalls, and make personal bathrooms in restrooms with a real door, and real walls, so that the sound and smell can be stifled a little bit. Secondly, there should be some sort of white noise being pumped in these rooms, so that the sound will be hidden even more. I am sure these probably aren't the most efficient, both from a monetary and spatial-use perspective, but my ass and I would surely appreciate it.


Eric said...

I also share you public bathroom phobia. Fortunately I've become so comfortable at work that I do most of my business there. I rarely dook at home anymore.

Jeff said...

You actually refuse to let Sue in the bathroom while Mr. Hankey says "Howdy Ho"? I can't believe she'd want to even be in the same building.

The funniest part about this is you tracking work bathroom usage. What metrics do you collect? How often do you update your stats? Please post your charts, so we can laugh at -- er, see your data.

No wonder you're so busy at work, you don't even have time ...

Somewhat-related true story: yesterday an American Airlines flight made an emergency landing in Nashville because passengers smelled fumes -- from some lady lighting matches at her seat to mask the smell of her farts.

Fairmaiden327 said...

I propose a match dispenser in every bathroom across America.

BTW, I like to hang bananas at home, myself. When I have a party in my ass at work, I find a can of Lysol and away we go.

OK, I'm gonna throw up now.

-B- said...

What a post, Los. What can I say? I do the exact same thing and have travelled far and wide to find the perfect bathroom for pinching a loaf. It's a private thing, can't stand when you finally get a bathroom to yourself and immediately somebody comes in and sits next to you after you already have a turtle head peeking out. Funny thing - I just sat down to eat a moist chewy brownie when I read this post!! Ewww!

furiousBall said...

I whole heartily agree my friend, "dropping the kids off at the pool" is a sacred and private time.

There is a single seater all the way at the other end of my building where I work, it literally takes about 5 minutes to walk over there, but oh so worth it.

Happy poopin!

Fairmaiden327 said...

Ahhh, the dreaded Turtle Poppin' as we say here.

Anonymous said...

I am inspired to post my Pooing in public e-mail, that caused me to wet my pants the first time I read it...

ToddPacker said...

there's nothing better than duecing at your home bowl

Fairmaiden327 said...

Los you've been tagged, go on my site for rules. In other news, are you pretending to be a worker bee? Why aren't you on during the day? Damn.

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I thought Sue made it a point to go wither upstairs or in the basement if you are deucing, depending on which bathroom you choose.

Do you choose the upstairs one or the living room one most often?

Anonymous said...

I used to drive home to go...now it's WAY too far. I HATE
HATE public restrooms....

So how is the new job???

Los said...

Eric - I too became sort of comfortable at Lockheed ... however, I still wanted to punch the guy in the throat who would sit next to me while I was making spin art.

Jeff - I don't think I ever made pie charts or graphs (although maybe in the toilet).

FM - I REALLY wish I could do some blogging at work. I'll probably do so when I'm more comfortable. At the moment, I'm scared to death to do anything not work related.

B - I hear ya loud and clear. I hate that guy!!!!

Furious - I would make that journey every time ... that's how serious I am about this!

Dirty Birdie - Can't wait to read the e-mail!!!!

TP - I always same to do "larger" deuces at home for some reason. Maybe it is the comfort factor.

REV - The upstairs one is my bathroom of choice, because it is out of the way of all the foot traffic.

Superstar - This is why we need to get a better bathroom movement (bowel?) together!!!!!

iamunstoppable said...

next-stall pinchers need to die. are those the same retards that will piss in the next john to you?

i can understand if you were in a rush, and didnt care to check.. but, if you take the stall/pisser directly next to someone, you should be shot. shot i say.

Kristin said...

Some people actually wrap their hand in toilet paper, and catch their poop so that it does not make any noise.

This is going to send me to therapy. Please mail me money.


Ink and Stone said...

I do the same thing also. Though I like to go to another floor instead.

I find it a bit easier to release a sewer snake if it's amongst people I don't know or I don't care if I offend. So I usually run down to the bathroom on the floor below us - it's often unoccupied and well, you know why I don't care if I offend the people on that floor with the horrible wrongness wafting from my arse. LOL