Here are some questions you’ve probably been dying to ask me – consider yourselves lucky I decided to answer them:
1. What is your favorite breakfast meat?
“Believe it or not, this is a tough one for me. It really comes down to two – sausage and bacon, but not that Canadian bacon crap – looks too much like ham. I’m leaning towards bacon, because the smell of it cooking moves me more than the smell of sausage cooking ... and yes, it comes down to that for me.”
2. If you could choose anybody to be president, who would it be?
“I think I’d choose the Wolf from Pulp Fiction. The guy had a way of cleaning up messy situations … sounds like the perfect gift for a president to have.
3. Are you a cat man or a dog man?
“Dogs, dogs, dogs (and not in a sick way, ok?). Cats have about as much of a personality as Bill Wyman.
4. If you had to choose between having to puke, or having to go diarrhea, which would you rather do?
“I’d rather just go for it and shit my pants. I hate puking. I hate the sound, sight, and smell of puke.
5. What would your dream job be?
“Phew, anything that would pay me a lot of money, and produce very little stress on me. I would love to talk sports, movies, and farts … if somebody would give me a lot of money to do this, I would be a happy man.”
6. Your favorite fast-food chain?
“Ugh – tough call. If I could form a hybrid that included Wendy’s Kaiser rolls, Burger King’s flame-broiled patties, and McDonalds’ French fries, I’d be a happy man … probably weighing 50 more pounds as well.”
7. Who was the first person you had a crush on?
“I was in fifth grade. The girl’s name was Kathy. She thought I was a toad. Maybe it was the red sneakers my mom made me wear. Once, she got head lice. I still had a crush on her. I was a sick kid.”
8. Do you have a first memory?
“I remember my mom threatening to not let me outside until I pooped in the toilet … I held out for 3 days until I finally pooped again … some things have a way of staying with you for some reason.”
9. Who is your favorite super hero?
“I’ve never been really big into Super Heroes. However, I always liked El-Kabong.”
10. What would you rather be doing right now?
“I would rather be swimming in money … a lot of money.”
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