How I Ruined Easter

Like I had said in the previous post, one of the traditions of Easter is having ham for dinner. However, this is no longer necessarily the case with the Griebs (at least at the Grieb’s house that I am invited to for Easter). The following is, for the most part, a true story on how I was able to change this disgusting tradition.

When I was around 10 or 11, I was more-or-less a normal kid, in that I loved playing sports, thought girls had Kuties, thought fart jokes were hysterically funny. You know, the usual kiddie things. However, one thing that was different about me (besides the fact that I had chafe marks from wearing ‘Lederhosen’) was that I had an aversion to ham (see last post). Most of my relatives knew this very well.

I want to preface this story by saying that I know that I’m in a very small minority, as most people of Christian faith absolutely love ham. I don’t look down on these “common-folk,” but I do feel a bond to others who admit to hating ham. It is not an easy thing to do. Back to the story.

It was my Uncle Richard’s turn to host the Grieb Easter dinner (In our family, we had rotating holiday-hosting. It can be very confusing). He and his wife decided to go the traditional route of cooking ham for Easter dinner, even though they knew very well that I would not eat ham, even if my life depended on it (alright, maybe if my life depended on it, I would bite the bullet, but anything short of that, and …well, you’ll see).

You can imagine my disappointment when I found out the situation. I was (and probably still am) a very stubborn person. I think my mom knew immediately that I would not be easy to deal with at this point. No “arrangements” were made for me, which compounded the situation. Now by arrangements, let me give you some examples:

***If you are inviting Los to your house for a dinner, and you are planning on having ham, please do one of the following:

1. Make sure that there is another meat that you are cooking. Some of my family members have gone to this extreme by cooking a turkey and a ham, or something like that. This is not an easy thing to do, but it is always appreciated.
2. Have an alternative ready for Los, whether it is a t.v. dinner, or a turkey hoagie.
3. Inform Los that he needs to bring something with him. It is no problem for Los to stop at McDonalds prior.
4. Don’t invite Los. You may save yourself a headache.

Once again, back to the story. When dinner-time rolled around, I was so incensed with being ignored (that’s the way I felt – because they had ham, it made me feel like I was being ignored. I know … it must be a sickness). So, my mom handed me a plate, and I said that I wasn’t interested in eating. My mom, god bless her soul, said that I needed to eat something. She started going down the list of items on the table: Corn – no!, Potatoes – no!, Sauerkraut – no!, Broccoli – no! Finally, after my mom was thoroughly annoyed by my no answers, she said the now famous words, “Fine. Then, have a bowl of ketchup.”

Normal kids would’ve probably just shrugged that off, and had some corn. Not me. I decided to take my mom up on her offer to see who would blink first. I poured myself a bowl of Heinz, and ate it … the entire bowl … just ketchup. Here is what I discovered. Ketchup does not fill you up, not even a bowl of it. But, I was determined. I did not eat another thing the entire time over there. Wow, what an impression I must’ve given to the rest of my relatives.
Here’s the thing, though. It worked. There is never just ham on the menu at family gatherings because of me. The more depressing thing is that at some gatherings, like this past Easter Sunday, there was no ham on the menu at all (at my mom’s house). I feel bad about this, because my wife and a few family members REALLY love ham. But, I don’t feel that bad because my tummy is full.