Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Movie Duds

I am so behind with all of these summer blockbusters that are out. I’m at a loss as to which movie(s) to go and see. There are so many out right now that are piquing my interest (yes, I had to use a spell checker on that word). I haven’t even seen Superman, and I am dying to see Talladega Nights. You know, there was a time, not all that long ago, when I used to go to the movies all the time. I would easily go to the movies 15-20 times a summer … of course, that was back when it didn’t cost $10 to see a movie. When one sees that many movies, one will find great movies, and one will find absolutely terrible movies. With that said, here is a list of the five worst movies I had the “pleasure” of seeing in the movie theatre:

5. Toys – This movie came out around the time when Robin Williams was red-hot. He had just starred in such critically acclaimed movies as Awakenings, Cadillac Man, The Fisher King, and Hook (yes, it wasn’t awesome, but I’m pretty sure Disney made a ton on that one). Surely, Toys would deliver the goods, I thought. After all, it was a movie about a huge toy company, and Robin Williams played the owner’s son – how could this one possibly miss? I remember reading the reviews the day it came out, and to say that they were negative would be kind. I decided that the critics had their heads up their asses, and went to see it anyway. Sadly, the critics were dead-on. I’m not sure how many times I yawned or looked at my watch during this train-wreck (actually, it would’ve been at least exciting to watch a train wreck, this one was more like a long-winded sermon at church that nearly two hours). The story was hokey at best, and the actors were either miscast or simply mailed in their “performances.” The most annoying character was Joan Cusack’s character – this was the one we all were supposed to laugh with and relate to, but as the movie went on, I was hoping she would be tragically killed by a flaming 600-pound teddy-bear.

4. Joe vs. the Volcano – Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? Sign me up! Sure, these two wouldn’t truly hit it big together until a few years later with Sleepless in Seattle, but this had to be a good start, right? Not even close. This was the first movie I ever walked out on. I had to slap myself quite a few times just to stay awake. The plot was ludicrous (When a hypochondriac learns that he is dying, he accepts an offer to throw himself in a volcano at a tropical island, and along the way there, learns to truly live – from IMDB.com). Additionally, Meg Ryan played a couple of different characters, none of which were remotely endearing. Hanks wasn’t so bad, but not even he could save this one.

3. Betsy’s Wedding – This was during the tail-end of Molly Ringwald’s run as “that girl on those teen movies that isn’t really that attractive, but for some reason I still want to bone her.” This movie got me over that obsession. The plot was thinner than the thongs that Paris Hilton wears. Plus, Alan Alda played a main role, and let’s just say he didn’t quite bring back any memories of Hawkeye Pierce. With other actors like Madeline Kahn, Joe Pesci, and Catherine O’Hara in it, one would think this movie could get by on acting alone. Not the case. This movie is so bad, you would be hard pressed to find it playing on the WB on Saturday afternoon. Thankfully, I got see this one for free, as the girl I was seeing worked at the theatre. However, I will never get those two hours back.

2. Quiz Show/The Englishman That Went Up The Hill, But Came Down The Mountain – If they would’ve just kept both of these as documentaries, I would’ve happily watched them on the History Channel. Unfortunately, some movie producers had the bright idea of making both of these into movies. Even more unfortunate was the fact that I went to see both of these movies. My eyes welled with tears of boredom, as I sat trapped like a prisoner trying desperately to stay awake and sane throughout both of these yawners.

1. That Darn Cat – This has got to be the worst movie ever made. To top it off, it was a remake of a Disney movie from 1965 starring that “loveable” Disney whore, Dean Jones. For one reason or another, some executive at Disney (must’ve been that schmuck, Eisner), gave the green-light to go ahead and redo this festering pile of movie sludge. Normally, I wouldn’t even consider going to see something this obviously pathetic, but my girlfriend at the time insisted we go (it was a compromise – we would go see this, and then go and see Howard Stern’s Private Parts). I couldn’t even tell what the plot was, because it was erased from my memory almost immediately. However, I did decide to look it up on IMDB.com, and noticed that Disney once again allowed Dean Jones to have a part in this flick (Just swallowed some vomit after realizing this). Other actors who appeared in this fart-stain, and who obviously were either intoxicated or desperate for work, included Peter Boyle, Christina Ricci, Michael McKean, and John Ratzenberger. As the movie ended, my girlfriend looked at me and said, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I almost punched her in the throat (I would never hit a girl, but I don’t think anybody would blame me).


El Padrino said...

Netflix man.
Ima movie guy, I own over 200 DVD's and rent anywhere from 5-10 movies a month...Hollywood is gearing towards a quicker schedule as far as theater to DVD's...It's cheap and you get to see every movie, just a little bit later.

check out these from netflix or vid storeL

Find Me Guilty
16 Blocks
Lord of War
Four Brothers
Running Scared
A History of Violence
Red Eye

that's the short list, there's more

Christina_the_wench said...

I can beat it. From Justin to Kelly I can't say anything good about this movie. Nothing. I actually yelled at my daughters for making me take them to it. That's how bad it was.

Jeff said...

The Sum of All Fears. Casting Ben Affleck as Jack Ryan was about as smart as getting in a car with a Kennedy. And how do you change the Super Bowl nuke-bombing terrorists from Yassir Arafat clones to smarmy Euro neo-Nazis, and delete the Indian drug kingpen's brother who was the US-based accomplice?

Los said...

El Padrino - I will look into these movies. I got one for you, though. Have you seen Enigma? Fantastic flick!

Jeff - I heard so many bad things about this movie. How can you compromise a book like this by changing the bad guys? Ridiculous.

Christina - Thankfully, I was spared from watching this movie by my wife (girlfriend at the time). She even admitted that it blew chunks.

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Did I go see Toys with you that day? Because I remember walking out on that one too.

Superman Returns is OK. Not great, but not a waste of your money. I also saw Clerks II and enjoyed that. Invincible will be my next movie excursion.

El Padrino said...

With kate winslet right?

no haven't see it, but i will now that you mentioned it.

invincible seems like a rudy rip-off except he plays in the NFL

Los said...

El Padrino - and thankfully, he didn't play for those stinkin' Irish (not the people, just the college football team).

Los said...

Smokin' - can't remember if I saw it with you, Johnnay, or both of you.

Rach said...

OMG I didnt even finish reading the post I read TOYS..

fuck that movie sucked balls.

dead dog balls.

ok - back to reading now

Los said...

Rach - yes, it was one of THE worst and most disturbing movies I have ever seen. I don't think I've ever looked at Joan Cusack the same.

Los said...

Rach - yes, it was one of THE worst and most disturbing movies I have ever seen. I don't think I've ever looked at Joan Cusack the same.

Superstar said...

It's not the cost of the movie...(I go to the early shows for $6, it's the cost of popcorn and soda...No wonder I keep sneeking in w/ my WOMEN bag full of microwaved popcorn, 3 cans of soda and my Zours in the baggie. ;o) Wallet? Who needs that when there is food to be put in a purse!!!

Los said...

Superstar - but for some reason, the popcorn always tastes better at the theatre ...it must be the death-butter they put on it.

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Don't call it butter. By law, they are not allowed to call it butter.

It is "popcorn topping".