Coming In Threes?

Don Knotts and the guy who played the dad in A Christmas Story died this weekend. So, you know how these celebrity deaths come in 3’s? My question is, who would you like to see complete the trifecta? Not that I want anyone to die, but I would like to see their “careers” halted (I just want to make that clear – I am trying to have fun with this blog, and don’t want to offend anybody … at least not too much). Here is my list:

1. Kevin Federline – The guy is so slimy that eels abhor him. He obviously is much like a Kato Kaelin, in that he tries to hook on to morons (Brittany Spears) in order to gain celebrity status.

2. Simon Cowell – I HATE American Idol. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!!! I have gone into many reasons why I have hated the show in the past, so I won’t bore you with a recap. But, I truly believe that Simon and this show have corrupted our minds, and have continued our forced acceptance of really bland music.

3. Barry Bonds – This guy makes my skin crawl. Arrogance emits out of this guy at a stronger rate than energy emits out of the sun. I will never question his athletic skills, but I will never get over the way he acts. I watch his games in the hope that his knees explode.

4. Corporations who have ruined terrestrial radio – Again, I’ve stated this many times, so I won’t rehash. I do believe internet and satellite stations applaud these corporations, because they have successfully helped to jump-start these markets.

5. All Boy Bands – Thank goodness that they don’t seem to be as popular as they were even a few years ago, but man, my ears bled when I heard their music (and it was played just about everywhere).

6. Osama Bin Laden – I don’t think I really need to add anything to this.

7. Politicians who won’t work together (both sides) – How can we accomplish anything with all of the bickering? Shouldn’t the people come first (that’s what she said) instead selfish political agendas?

8. Bode Miller – Enough already. You are a skier, and you are only popular once every four years. Why don’t you try and help the image of the sport instead of acting like a turd? The Olympics needs people who are potential role models, not arrogant jerks who think they are better suited for the silver screen.

9. Kobe Bryant – I think he should’ve tried to be a golfer or bowler, that way, he wouldn’t have to worry about including the rest of his team in the game … not that he worries about that now.

10. Gangsta Rap – I just want the whole genre to die. Seriously, how does this even get on the air? They talk about sex, violence, drugs, etc., and the FCC is O.K. with this? But, when Stern talked about this stuff in an arguably less graphic way, he got fined, censored, and was forced to leave. How does this work? Am I missing something?

Problem Solved

I know this has been documented before, but I’m tellin’ ya, this epidemic is increasing. What am I talking about? Ice that fast food restaurants put in the cups of soda we order. The scoopers are bigger than dump trucks, and they ram every last bit of ice that they can in these cups – sometimes I’m amazed that the cups don’t break from all of that weight and pressure.

I hear that we are annually losing much of our ice on this planet, and I think I can point out the culprits. The two biggest “ice-pushers” in my humble opinion are Wendy’s and Chick Fil-A. I don’t think it’s possible that they can produce that much ice on their own. They must be going to the north and south poles and “stealing” ice by the ton. Things have gotten so bad, that I think I found a penguin in my soda the other day.

As one might be able to deduce from a quick glance at my frame, I like to frequent fast food restaurants from time to time, so I feel like my opinion is more or less expert opinion. Do I really need this much ice? Are you really that hard up to save money by reducing my soda intake? I feel guilty telling the fast-food employee to take it easy on the ice, and maybe use a smaller scooper – like maybe I could be the reason this person gets fired.

I don’t want to have that on my conscience. So I allow them to rape me with a big ol’ ice dildo. I know they prey on this, and I’m the perfect customer for them. But, one of these days, I’m gonna really screw with them and ask for a cup of soda WITH NO ICE (of course, they’ll probably charge me extra for this).

Bits and Pieces

I1. had lunch at Baha Fresh for the first time today – delicious Mexican food at a reasonable price … and most importantly, not the uncontrollable gas that one gets after eating at Taco Bell (or the Hepatitis from Chi Chi’s).

2. NASCAR started up again this weekend. How is this “sport” popular? I absolutely can’t stand it. I want somebody to explain to me how one can sit through 3 hours of this (and then I’ll explain to you how I can watch wrestling).

3. I miss the NHL. I like Olympic hockey, but I really would like to see my Flyers back on the ice.

4. I have a couple more bands for you to sample. Check out the Editors, Morningwood, and VHS or Beta.

5. NBC did get one thing right with the Olympics, but unfortunately, it may have been the only thing they got right. NBC is using new music, instead of overplayed classic rock and roll … and I, for one, love it.

A Good Workout?

Certain tasks have a way of reminding us just how old we are. I was “lucky enough” to participate in one of these tasks on Saturday. I was invited to play in a two-on-two hockey tournament – played in the driveway of a friend’s house, and, for one reason or another, decided that I was “fit” enough to play (I would find later, that this was a grave mistake).

I should’ve known this may not be an “all-star” like day for me when I realized I forgot my sweatpants, and only had shorts … it was a balmy 26 degrees with a steady 20-mph wind, making it feel like Antarctica. Walking outside in those shorts immediately made me an “innie” if you know what I mean.

The first 10 minutes or so weren’t too bad – in fact, I felt that the 20-minutes a day that I had been doing on the elliptical trainer were actually paying off. BUT, the eleventh minute and onward quickly made me realize that my “training” was woefully inadequate.

Thanks to the cold weather, my lungs felt like Keith Richards’ lungs, and I couldn’t quite describe how my legs felt because they had lost feeling rather quickly. I did manage to score some goals, but instead of cheer, I knelt over and tried gasping for precious oxygen.

I even goal-tended for a little while, and this was actually a well-needed “rest” for me – the goalie equipment actually blocked out some of the cold. However, the “rest” that I thought I’d get, never really happened, as they peppered me with more shots than a Schwarzenegger movie. Also, the goalie equipment felt heavier than the lead singer of Heart.

The good news is that my “luck” followed me out to Montgomery County. Even though I was the goalie, I was able to block a shot with my waffle pad, and perfectly deflect it upwards and to an angle that eventually met with a second-story window, shattering it.

The real pain didn’t hit until after I got home from the tournament. I moved slower than the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. The aches and pains left me a useless man on Sunday … but thankfully, I’m a useless man every Sunday.

Where Did My Interest In the Olympics Go?

All my talk about my lack of interest in the Olympics got me to wondering why. There was a time when I couldn’t wait for the Olympics. Eric Heiden, the Miracle on Ice, Edwin Moses, Sally Decker, Daley Thompson, Mary Lou Retton – these athletes and the Olympic stories they helped to author enthralled me … I couldn’t get enough of them.

But now, I could care less about Michelle Kwam’s quest for a gold medal being thwarted, or the diva-like qualities that Johnny Weir displays, or that the U.S. can only seem to get medals in snow-boarding events. Why is this? These are probably events that I might normally be interested in? I did some thinking and came up with a handful of reasons why this may be.

1. There is no longer a U.S.S.R. I think this may be the grand-daddy of all reasons why I have lost my “Olympic Mojo.” Back in the day, there was one super-villain to our country’s Superman – and that was “the hammer and the sickle.” These two countries threatened boycotts on each other every four years, and the tension was so tight that you could cut it with a chainsaw. By the way, tension sells. When the overachieving U.S. hockey team surprised the world by knocking off the unbeatable Soviets in ice hockey, a nation stood together with enormous pride. Even people who couldn’t stand hockey watched in anticipation. Of course, when the Soviets beat the undefeated Americans in basketball in the early 1970’s the same happened the other way. Stories were created that not even the most creative writers could conjure. When the veil of Communism was lifted, so was this all-important aspect.

2. Instead of having the Olympics (both summer and winter) every 4 years, now they have split them, so in a sense, they are every two years. It is not as big of a deal anymore. In fact, one can easily get sick of the overabundance of advertisements and commercials, and since it is done every two years, one becomes numb to the Olympics.

3. Professional Athletes are now competing. I think some of the innocence was lost when they allowed this. Would some of the luster have been lost if the 1980 U.S. hockey team that won the gold consisted of professional athletes? I think so. Additionally, (at least with the U.S. basketball team) we have a collection of overpaid egomaniacs representing our country – I’m not saying that this isn’t a fair representation, but I don’t want to see these jerks playing for my country (although, I get a strange feeling of delight watching the team lose – is this wrong?).

4. Cable T.V. and the Internet. We can easily find the scores and highlights of games that have already taken place simply by clicking the mouse a few times. Heck, if there was a major upset that involved a U.S. person or team, there is no way we could get through an entire day without hearing about it. So, when NBC replays highlights of this at night, the surprise and shock value is lost. I will use the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team as a reference to this again. In 1980, when they beat the Soviets, it happened a few hours before it was ever televised. The shock value was secure. Additionally, there are so many other things on T.V. that can easily take us away from a boring figure skating event, but that wasn’t the case “in the old days.”

These are the four I came up with. I am sure there are more – please share your thoughts.

Drips and Drabs

1. Did you guys hear about all the Dick Cheney jokes? The late night hosts had a field day – not that this is very surprising. I guess it’s not every day that a vice president mistakes a guy for a bird, and shoots him. But I am shocked that none of the shows exploited the fact that he was shooting at quail – and putting in a zinger about how Cheney was actually aiming for Dan Quayle, the guy that single-handedly cost Bush senior a second term. I’m sure there will be more jokes about this, so I can only hold my breath and hope.

2. New York City was blanketed with the most snow ever recorded this weekend, and I’m surprised (once again) that the late night guys didn’t make more jokes about this. I figured they’d mix in a joke or two about world record numbers of drug pushers in the city as well. Of course, I’m still waiting for Pat Robertson to make another moronic remark (I think he is due, isn’t he) regarding the city deserving this because of all the sinners living there (stuff it, Robertson!).

3. My Monday ritual was sacrificed, thanks to a stupid dog show. Seriously, how many people could possibly be watching this? Do I need two hands to count them? Oh, and my Monday ritual is watching wrestling, so I guess I really shouldn’t be commenting on this.


4. Are the advertisers at Pepsi just mailing it in at this point? They’ve done a good thing by eliminating the “Brown and Bubbly” slogan. However, I just saw a new commercial featuring Pepsi and Jackie Chan as cops fighting bad guys. Ummmm…. Is this somehow supposed to make me want to drink Pepsi? If possible, this may actually be worse than the Pepsi NFL commercial in which the Patriots drafted a Pepsi machine. I felt myself actually getting dumber watching this… but not dumb enough to drink a Pepsi.

5. Speaking of weather, does it scare only me to know that some weather forecasters seem to be getting off a little too much on the weather? I mean, I think it is fine to be passionate about your job, but I bet that some of these forecasters would love to just get in bed with a nice tight-looking category 4 hurricane sometime.

Ouch, My Back Hurts!

1. Forget about all of the stuff I said about how great it is to get a snow storm. I spent 2 ½ hours shoveling that heavy sh*t yesterday, and I am sorer than Hulk Hogan was after he body slammed Andre the Giant. The snow is nice to look at, and it always feels like peace and serenity when the snow event is actually occurring, but the pick-up and clean-up afterwards sucks – so much so, that I think I would rather watch American Idol for 5 straight hours, than shovel snow (at least that heavy stuff) for 2 hours.

2. It seems as if all of the news stations are getting their money’s worth with the term “thunder-snow.” Why is it that every time I hear this term now, I’m waiting for Angus to belt out the opening licks to an AC/DC song? But, with that being said, it was really cool to see lightning while it was snowing.

3. The Olympics have been going on for a few days now, and all I have really seen so far is highlights. Of course, these highlights are just photos of the event. Are the Olympics that prestigious, that all we are allowed to see are photos on other stations? This reminds of boxing pay-per-views.

4. The Sixers lost AGAIN last night. For those keeping track of this current losing streak, none of the teams that they lost too are serious threats of having a championship parade … in fact, at least two of the teams are nowhere near playoff contention. Is it time to get rid of Iverson? Probably. But, it probably won’t really make a difference to me anyway – as I am sick of pro basketball, and am finding myself watching more college hoops.

5. Speaking of sports, in my humble opinion, the NFL Pro Bowl is even more of a waste of time than Gigli. It is the only “all-star” game that happens after the season is over. No, I don’t think they should do it during the season, but if you can’t have it during the season, why have it at all? Nobody is watching. Can’t you just have these all-stars do something different, like maybe an American Gladiators style show? Wouldn’t this be more interesting than the Pro Bowl?

Winter Wonderland???

Well, it looks like winter will finally be showing its ugly self this weekend – Philly is supposed to get anywhere from 5 to 15 inches of the white stuff - no, the city of brotherly love is not expecting a large cocaine shipment – I’m talkin’ about snow. Unfortunately, it is happening this weekend, because I love having a day off during the week.

However, I love snow. I love the whole snow event, especially watching it pile up during the actual storm. There is a certain peaceful feeling that accompanies it. Things seem cleaner and quieter. Sure, I’m not a big fan of the snow shoveling – I have more aches and pains than when I listen to Philly radio (not including Preston and Steve). But, it is a small price to pay for the majesty of a winter wonderland.

Man, I remember being a kid when we were getting these snow storms. Ah, the great snowball fights, wonderful sledding at Monument Hill, the days off of school - I’ve never listened to KYW radio with such passion as when I was waiting for Harry Donahue to announce the school closings and say those magical 3 numbers – 4-5-0. Sure, I probably should’ve gone right back to sleep, but I had too much adrenaline flowing through my body to even bother.

I couldn’t get outside fast enough to play in the snow. 7:30 a.m.? I better hurry - the day is almost over. I gotta build a snow fort, get into a massive snowball fight, help the parents shovel the sidewalk and driveway, and go sledding. No time to waste!

I even have a Stones memory dealing with snow (go figure!). My cousin Drew and I decided to go out and make some money shoveling snow around the neighborhood. We each made over $30 – which was a major ransom for kids our age. I had my eyes on this Stones compilation that had come out a few months earlier – it was called Hot Rocks, and it was a two cassette story of the early years of the World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band (yes – I am dating my self with the part about the cassette tapes). I purchased it that day, and probably played it non-stop for 6 months or so. Of course, this wouldn’t have been possible without the snow.

Things Creepin' and Crawlin' in my Mind

1. I remember my school closing number. It was 450. Why this is in my head right now, I don’t know. Maybe it is because I’m hoping for snow, but know that we probably won’t get anything significant this year in Philly. I also remember my high school locker number – 369, and the combination – 42, 44, 16. Again, no clue why that has stuck with me this long.

2. I hate tax time. I don’t really know why. Maybe it is because I really don’t know what goes in to doing taxes on your own. I always take my tax stuff to somebody else, although this year, I am going to try Turbo Tax. I heard good things about this. Wish me luck.

3. I love cereal – I have it just about every morning for breakfast - along with a tall glass of orange juice. I am on a Honey Nut Cheerios kick. My old favorite used to be Frosted Flakes.

4. Speaking of orange juice, why does every restaurant try to skimp us on this? They give us such small glasses and charge us $3.00 for that? They make it same like O.J. is becoming as scarce as oil.

5. I predict I’ll have one of those internet radio transceivers by April (after I get money back from tax time) – I am sick of hearing nothing but Led Zeppelin, Ozzie, Stained, and the other 2 or 3 bands being played on the “rock” stations in Philly. I’d like to discover more music.

6. I’m excited about Olympic hockey, and maybe the luge and bobsled….THAT’s IT!

7. Angelina Jolie, pregnant? This should never happen, for the sake of all the guys on the planet.

8. Somebody suggested that I watch the show Love Monkey, which is on tonight at 10:00 p.m. First, I’m having trouble justifying watching a show with the title “Love Monkey.” Second, a comedy on at 10:00 p.m.? Isn’t this a little late for a sit-com? Shouldn’t one of the other canned crime-fighting/detective/coroner/ shows be slated for this time slot?

9. I saw that one of the Suncoast video places is going out of business (in the Moorestown Mall). Now, I’m not sure if all of these are going under, but if so, I have a good idea why. YOU’RE PRICES WERE WAY TOO HIGH. EVEN WITH THE 20% OFF THAT YOU ARE DOING IN ORDER TO LIQUIDATE, IT IS STILL TOO EXPENSIVE.

10. I try not to get involved in religious (or political) arguments. To each his/her own, I always say. However, this whole situation with regards to the newspaper comic that depicted a picture of Muhammed with a bomb on his head (hinting that Muslims are violent) is quite comical. First, I have no problems with Muhammed or anyone wishing to worship him. Many Muslims claim that Islam is a very peaceful religion. BUT, you wouldn’t know that with all the riots going on because of a comic. Yes, the comic was in very bad taste. Yes, I can see it being very offensive. But, isn’t there a better way to show that you are not violent, and to show your distaste and opposition to this comic than by causing riots and killing people?

Just Some Quick Monday Morning AFter Super Bowl Thoughts.

1. Arethra Franklin got so big, she looked like Jerome Bettis.

2. Out of the lame group of Super Bowl commercials, I thought the Ameriquest one with the lady who had to go to the bathroom in the airplane was the best … of course, that’s not saying much.

3. What does the term “Brown and Bubbly” make you think of? I’m guessing it is NOT Pepsi.

4. So, when the Steelers played the Seahawks, was this the first time an NFL team played a CFL team?

5. I’m guessing the only way to get the Super Bowl trophy into Detroit is to actually have the Super Bowl played there.

6. I’m happy for Bill Cowher, I think he deserved a Super Bowl.

7. It was nice to sit back, relax, and watch the Super Bowl and not care who won.

8. I’m liking Al Michaels less and less … I don’t think he said “Gadget Play” nearly enough last night.

9. So, what the heck is a Code Black? Whatever it is, I wasn’t interested enough to stay up and watch Grey’s Anatomy.

10. I can see where Andy Reid got his “knack” for calling a terrible two-minute offense … from Mike Holmgren.

And God Gave Us the STONES!!!

I had the pleasure of seeing the World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band once last night with a good college friend of mine in Baltimore, MD last night. For those of you who are counting, this was the 8th time that I have see the Stones – what makes this latest show unique is that it is most likely the smallest venue I’ve gotten to see them in. I think the Mariner’s Arena holds somewhere around 9,000 fans.

The entire experience was fun, as I got to meet up with said friend at around 5:30 at a bar called Mother’s. Their wings were fantastic, AND they had a good beer selection - although, I wussed out and ordered the Miller Lite …. Hey I gotta watch my figure, darn-it (I don’t want it to get any rounder)! We were entertained for quite by a group of firefighters who were in the process of tying one on. This showing prompted us to “hope” that my friend’s home would never catch fire – because the fire-fighters would probably never find it … of course, if they put as much effort into fighting fires as they did into drinking, they’d be the best fire fighters on the planet.

**A funny occurrence – one of the firefighters left. That’s not the funny occurrence. However, when the guy (who probably shouldn’t have even been walking, let alone driving) decided to gun his SUV in reverse, he was able to smash into a Lexus (that was parked next to my car – gulp!). Not that we should expect fire fighters to do the right thing in this position, but I was mildly surprised that he decided to leave the scene**

After 3 hours of “pre-game,” we finally made our way to the arena. Our seats were in what would normally be the nosebleeds, but since the arena is so small, even though we were far up, it felt like we were very close to the stage (directly to the right of the stage). The Stones came out and gave another killer effort – starting off with Jumpin’ Jack Flash, playing some surprises like Love is Strong, and All Down The Line. My friend said that he started tearing up during Gimme Shelter (I got goose-bumps – Lisa Fisher is amazing). They played their hearts out for a little over 1 ½ hours, and then they were gone – prompting me to wonder (as I do after every Stones show since 1989) whether or not this would be the last chance I’d get to see them live.

We then went to a “Gentleman’s club” (insert your “How did you get in?” punchline here), and actually only spent like $10-$15 each total (no cover, and the girls were less attractive than normal). We finished the night off by going to Taco Bell – figuring that Mexican food would help us sleep better (I’m not sure how we came to that conclusion – maybe it was the beer talking).

I am suffering today, but it was well worth it – seeing the Stones with a good friend who had never seen them before.

Little Known Facts

Since Smokin’ Steve did a list of things people may not know about him, I decided to do the same:

* I once went to a John Tesh show … not because I wanted to, but because I owed somebody a favor (get your minds out of the gutter – it wasn’t that kind of favor). They were great musicians, but still, not my cup of tea.
* I once skipped an Interboro vs. Ridley Thanksgiving Day game (it was pushed to a Friday because of weather), to go see a movie with a girl (it was a big mistake – one of the only Interboro vs. Ridley games I’ve ever missed).
* I gave my mom a wok for Christmas once – she hated it. About 8 years later, I took it to college unopened.
* I have an ass dent on the roof of my car, thanks to a cable guy.
* I won an air hockey tournament.
* I hate ham.
* When I was young, I didn’t like pizza and hamburgers.
* I flipped Video Pinball on the Atari 2600 5 times in one sitting.
* I have over 50 Rolling Stones albums.
* I once took a piss next to Michael Buffer (Let’s Get Ready To Rumble.).
* I sat next to Boyz To Men in the press box of an Eagles game.
* I gave a girl a foot fixer (foot massaging system) as a Christmas present once.
* I own a pair of Big Yanks corduroy pants.
* I once owned “Nado Super Primo” sneakers, and “Copa 83” sneakers.
* I wore “Uncle Charlies” and “Smacks” pants in middle school.