You're Not That Innocent

I wasted an hour last night – I’ll never get it back. I actually watched the Brittany Spears interview – I figured I’d bank some “quality” time with my wife. After the show ended, I actually felt dumber. This chick just does not get it – no wonder her popularity has reached the levels of George Bush (not a good thing).

First of all, she is dressed as if she is a pregnant southern stripper – in that she has a see-through top, and a really short dress. Is this the way you are going to positively change your image, Brittany? This will be about as successful as an of the Vanilla Ice comeback attempts. Are we supposed to take you seriously when you dress like this? If this was your publicist’s idea, then I’d fire him/her on the spot.

Second, she is chewing gum during the interview. Hey Brit, why don’t just start doing some chew, while you’re at it? If I was Matt Lauer, I would’ve pulled my pants down and urinated on her – it probably would’ve cleaned her up a little bit. Brit, this is a national interview – is this really the way you want to be portrayed? Do you think the gum-chewing makes people relate with you more? If anything, it makes you look like a pregnant fourth grader.

And the hair and makeup? It looks like a clown squirted her in the face with a giant bottle of seltzer water. Again, Brittany, this is a national interview designed to change people’s opinion of you. After seeing you like this, I expected you to bring out your pet pig Wilbur that you like to sleep with in the pen.

But your looks and outfit cannot compete with the feces that kept dribbling from you mouth the entire interview. Matt Lauer looked like he got hit by a train at the end of this one. “My dad used to sit me on his lap when he drove – we’re country.” My goodness, these “insightful” words should be set in marble in front of some famous landmark – that is how powerful these words are. Brit, you really should be schooled by somebody on how to answer questions about your retardedness (I hesitate to use this word, because I don’t want to offend any retards). Times were different even 25 years ago regarding seatbelt and child safety seat laws, so it may have once been sort of acceptable to drive with your baby on your lap (probably not, but let’s give Brit the benefit of the doubt).

Now that you are a famous (still scratching my head) music star, making millions upon millions of dollars, you should know better than to drive a car with a baby on your lap – an explanation like “We’re Country” is just not going to cut it … at least if your goal is to be taken seriously. The more I think about the interview, the more I begin to realize that she doesn’t want to be taken seriously, and that this is probably the only way people will still give a flying f*ck about her. Maybe in her own demented way, she is a genius … probably not.