Did a church-sponsored yard sale with the wife last weekend ... I'll never get those 5 hours back!
1. On a waitress on disability because of a bad back being caught stripping at a strip club:
"In defense of said waitress, she was trying to take people's orders ..."
2. On a man who got shot with an arrow by his neighbor for parking in his parking spot:
"I'm guessing the man who 'illegally' parked, got the point ... I'll be here all week!"
3. On a memo from a fire department - The couch is not an ashtray:
"What about the recliner? Is this an ashtray?"
4. On TIME Magazine naming Lady Gaga the most influential artist of 2010:
"Well, at least it wasn't the Jonas Brothers ... or Nickleback."
5. On the Oil Spill that took place last week:
"Exxon is finally breathing a sigh of relief, thanks to BP."