As Spring approaches, I have but one word ... Winning!
1. On a lunch lady being arrested for having sex with a 12-year-old boy:
"Why is it that when I think of lunch ladies, I can only think of the Chris Farley lunch lady character? Man, this 12-year-old's standards must've been really low ... or the sloppy joe was really that good ..."
2. On 2 western Pa. men being arrested for poaching 2 deer for fresh meat at Super Bowl party:
"I guess deer goes well with Iron City beer?"
3. On a dozen British swimmers, divers, water polo players and one member of the synchronised swimming squad getting together for a naked photo shoot:
4. On Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year-old Japanese porn star - a big star in Japan's emerging adult-movie genre known as 'elder-porn:'
"I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."
5. On a Staten Island teen with mayonnaise jar full of marijuana finding he cannot outrun a horse:
"That's a heckuva way to learn that lesson ..."