Come On Down???

Sad news from the land of game shows. Legendary Price is Right Host, and a guy that apparently poked a lot of hot “beauties” on the show, Bob Barker is retiring after what seems like 1 million years as the host of the popular game show.

Obviously, this day had to come sooner or later, and truthfully, I thought it would’ve happened many years ago. I grew up watching the guy give away cars and lovely dinette sets, not to mention tons and tons of money on Plinko. I enjoyed watching him try to putt the golf ball in the popular “Hole in One” game. I was envious of his cool microphone, and enjoyed trying to guess the price of a six-pack of tic-tacs. I was as shocked as everybody else when he finally stopped dying his hair black.

In my opinion, Bob Barker as a game show host was only bettered by Gene Rayburn (of Match Game fame), and I am concerned/interested in finding out who will replace this celebrated man. Barker outlasted not only every other game show host, but also announcers like Johnny Olson and Rod Roddy. The Price is Right will go on – it is just too fun of a show to fall to the wayside. But, I’d really like to know who is capable of hosting this show for the next few decades (the network did try on numerous occasions to put the show on prime-time, but for some reason, the show never succeeded in the evenings – maybe the game show host does have a lot to do with this).

So, I wanted to see if you guys and gals have any suggestions on who could carry this show into the future. I want this to be fun, so if you had the choice of selecting anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, who would it be?

Here are just a few of my choices:

1. Mike Tyson – Seriously, why not? Wouldn’t it be great to see him screw up, get mad, and punch a contestant in the face? Additionally, his banter with the “Tyson Beauties” would probably be priceless.

2. Michael Jackson – Watching his nose fall off on stage would be worth the investment itself. Unfortunately, the Beauties would probably be replaced by “Jackson’s Juveniles.”

3. Will Farrell – This show could use an injection of humor, and Farrell has plenty to offer.

4. Ric Flair – The glitter of the robes he wears is a perfect fit with this show.

5. Lawrence Taylor – Oh what the heck! Just let him do some blow and give him the microphone. It worked with the Gong Show.

Stop It!!!!!!

I know I’ve vented about this a few weeks ago, but it’s getting worse. Seriously, these politicians must be billionaires with all of the mailings that I’m receiving. Every day, I get numerous advertisements stuffed into my mailbox – when I come home from work, and I see my mailbox ready to explode, it really gets to me.

Maybe I’m the only one here, but I refuse to read ALL of this junk. I want to start some sort of grass-roots movement that eliminates this waste … however, outside of writing about it, I’m just too damn lazy. However, I’ve come up with a solution.

I am going to vote for the politician who sends me the least junk. That’s right, maybe some reverse psychology will reverse this nauseating trend. Starting today, I’m keeping track of the political junk mail, and basing my voting on this. I encourage all of you to do the same.

Besides, is there really a better way to pick the politician you want to vote for? They are all corrupt to the gills anyway … and they ALL see-saw on issues more than kids playing at a park. I sent an e-mail to two politicians (Santorum and Casey – a hotly contested Pennsylvania race) a few weeks ago after I watched one of their putrid debates in which all they did was yell at each other, try to speak over each other, and just make a mockery of the entire political process.

In my e-mail, I told them both that I felt ripped off that I would have to vote for one of those two candidates, and openly questioned how either of them could possibly consider themselves the best candidates that their parties could find. They both repeatedly uttered the phrase “Let’s talk about the issues,” but neither of them ever even bothered. What’s the point, anyway? Why should they talk about issues, when they can gain viewership by continuing to be obnoxious jerks. I told them that they should take their show on the road and do some sort of Ultimate Debating/Fighting pay-per-view to help them finance all of the junk mail that they keep sending me. To this point, I haven’t heard anything back…

There, that felt better.

Topical Chat, October 30, 2006

Heckuva Halloween weekend – the best costume was Andy Reid’s impression of Rich Kotite.

1. On the death of Red Auerbach, legendary coach of the Celtics:Will this be as devastating to the cigar industry as Billy Martin’s death was to the pipe industry?”

2. On a Florida teen who is in hot water for an unusual joy ride he's accused of taking this weekend - allegedly stealing a bus, driving it along a public transit route, picking up passengers and collecting fares:
“Passengers became suspicious when they were being picked up at their bus stops on time.”

3. On police investigating a theft of frozen popsicles:
“they are narrowing the search down to only people with brain freeze and a purple tongue.”

4. On a group of Scottish people complaining about the sale of cheap alcohol:
“That’s right, ruin it for the rest of us, just like Jerry Falwell.”

5. On St. Louis being named the most dangerous city in the U.S:
“Rumor has it, they are thinking of changing the name of the Gateway Arch to the Arch of Doom!”

6. On a flasher being jailed after claiming he wasn’t exposing himself — he was holding a jumbo hot dog:
“The authorities may have believed him if he told them it was a baby gherkin.”

7. On students from Colorado State University attempting to set a new world record for streaking:
“Looks like they are going for a transfer to Florida State.”

8. On British human beings possibly being forced to be 'microchipped' like pet dogs in 10 years, a shocking official report into the rise of the Big Brother state has warned:
“And still, they can’t solve that oral hygiene issue.”

Pow!!!

I apologize to all my readers for not posting yesterday – I had some important “meetings” that took up a big part of my day. I hope to elaborate in the near future.

Anyway, tonight is a very big party night in the US, as we celebrate Halloween … well, Halloween is actually on Tuesday this year, BUT adults like to celebrate this on a Saturday night, as we all dress up in sexy, goofy, slutty, and scary costumes, and then get sexy, goofy, slutty and scary drunk.

Halloween is an interesting holiday in that I believe it was once some sort of Pagan holiday. Basically, children dress up in costumes, go door-to-door and ask for candy. As a kid, I loved this holiday. As an adult, I love it more now.

Tonight, I will be dressing up as legendary NFL broadcaster John Madden. I plan on having pictures up in a couple of days. Sorry this post is so short – I need to work on the costume now (and watching the Penn State game).

Office Restroom Terminology

I enjoyed the last posting, and figured I'd pass this one along - you've probably seen this one before, but it still makes me laugh. Enjoy:

RESTROOM TERMINOLOGY

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE
A toilet that has seen more butts than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include miscellaneous "hair", pee stains and brown streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

New Vocabulary

Ink sent me a great e-mail this morning. You know how I love making and using new words - well, here are a bunch you can use in the workplace:

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the Amer ican landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Songs I Loathe

I’m not sure what prompted me to write this, maybe the dismal radio market in Philly, or the awful music scene in general, but I decided I would give you a list of songs that I no longer can stand (in no particular order):

1. Drops of Jupiter, Train – This song makes me want to flush my head down the toilet. I’m not sure if this song was overplayed in every radio market, but it seemed like every radio station in Philly had a gun pointed to its head, forcing it to play this song at least 10 times a day a few years ago. Thankfully, one hardly ever hears this pile of shite anymore, but I can no longer listen to any song by this band, and I hope they no longer release any more music.

2. Photograph, Nickleback – If there is any song that will make me puke uncontrollably, this is it. I even emailed the band, asking them to break up. This song is reminiscent of the time I tore my ACL – excruciatingly painful.

3. Any song by Creed – I had no idea that a band could have a wolf in heat as its lead singer and be successful. Was this group ever capable of writing any music that didn’t lead people to immediate thoughts of suicide. I think the day they broke up was one of the 10 happiest days of my life.

4. The five Led Zeppelin songs that WMMR and WYSP (radio stations in Philly) continually play – C’mon, guys, do we really need to limit this bands greatness to the overplayed crap you continue to feed us. Most young people will probably be amazed that this band had more than one album. I know it is hard to believe, but some fans may actually want to hear some other tracks besides Stairway to Heaven and Casmir.

5. Crazy Train, Ozzy Osbourne – I could’ve listen a handful of others, but this song really does it for me. The second I hear “Alllllllllll Aboard, Ha-ha-ha-ha,” I reach for the radio dial.

6. Any of the five Audioslave songs that are played every half hour – Sure, Chris Cornell is immensely talented, and Rage of the Machine was cool, but my god, one would think that Audioslave and the Foo Fighters were the only two “newer” bands out there. The stations can’t play enough of the singles, and I swear my ears start to bleed each time I hear them.

7. Any song by Coldplay – The constant whining of the lead singer, in conjunction with the same damn piano work in each song makes me want to rip my radio out of the car and set it on fire. Seriously, I wouldn’t f*ck this group with your dick.

I won’t love you guys and gals any less if you like some or all of these songs. I just needed to blog this for some reason. I apologize if I’ve offended your cd or MP3 collection.

Stoppage Time, October 20, 2006

Funniest/Most Disturbing Video of the Week:
If you’ve ever wondered what it must be like for turtles to have sex, check this out … you’ll thank me later: http://www.noob.us/humor/turtle-rape-caught-on-tape/

Made-up Word of the Week:
Mabilly – Apparently, this is a mix between the words maybe and probably. A friend came up with this one yesterday … and ‘mabilly’ I’ll use it. My claims she can’t use it because it sounds too much like the mascara she uses.

Fantastic Letter of the Week:
I came across this on Fark.com this morning. Did you ever wonder (A) who the worst rated player on the Madden 2007 was, and (B) how he felt about this “distinction?” Again, you can thank me, because the guy sent an actual letter to Madden (complete with some of his red pubes, apparently), and he totally goes off on the fat-man. Tears are still rolling down my eyes. Seriously, you NEED to check this out: http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1/
What Happened?
This wasn’t supposed to happen, was it? Our own Philadelphia Flyers possibly being the worst hockey team in the NHL? Weren’t we just one goal away from the Stanley Cup finals just a few years ago? How can this happen? Who is to blame? Is it the coach, the GM, the players? Probably a lot of all three. The city hasn’t been this turned-off to hockey since the early 1990’s, when Philly missed the playoffs five straight years. Why do I get the feeling Ed Wade is involved in this somehow?

Kim Jong ‘Illin’:
Do you think the guy gets it at this point? North Korea’s leader is about to turn his back on his only real ‘supporters,’ the People’s Republic of China. China has threatened to put sanctions on its support to this nut-case if he continues moving forward with his nuclear practices. If the guy does this, his country will probably become a giant hole in the ground. Even Castro and Cuba bristle when his name is mentioned.

Los and Smoke, Episode 4

If you like stories about hospital visits and first kisses, have I got a podcast for you!


Click here to get your own player.

Stupid Blogger!

Well, for some stupid reason, Blogger failed me on my last post – posting the picture of me dressed as Heino for Halloween. For those of you who saw it, I hoped you liked it. I had to take it down, as Blogger wouldn’t load up with those pics.

What’s Wrong with Jennifer?
So, my wife reads the celebrity rags magazines, and I “accidentally” noticed on the cover of one of them that Vince Vaughn cheated on Jennifer Aniston, or so this magazine claims. If this is true, what’s next for Jennifer, Screech? Think about it – when she was with Brad Pitt, she was at the top of the mountain. Then, she went with Vince, and even though he’s funny, I would think that he is a few pegs below Brad. So,what’s wrong with her, anyway? Why can’t she keep a guy for more than a few years? Have I spent too much time on this lame topic?

I Need Your Help
I think I may have posted something similar to this a while ago, but I need a new cool drink to order at the bars when I’m not in the mood for beer. I’ve gotten very sick of Captain and Cokes, and I’ve run my course with Absolute and 7-up. Long Island Iced Teas are too much of a summer drink. I’m willing to give anything a try at this point – not sure if I’m a scotch guy, whiskey guy, or vodka guy – I’ll try anything once. Any suggestions would be appreciated (and please, no drinks with umbrellas in them).

Old Video Games
A few coworkers and I got to talkin’ a few weeks ago about classic arcade games. We discussed some of the obvious ones – Asteroids, Space Invaders, Pac Man, Elevator Action … but there was one game that I remembered playing a whole lot back in the day, and I hadn’t thought about this game until this conversation. It was called Champion Baseball, and basically, you would score a lot of runs in the first couple of innings, and then you’d try to hold off the other team from beating you (if you were good, this lasted until about the 7th or 8th inning). I think I may have won once, but I’m not sure. In case you are interested, you can see some screen shots here.

Ghoulish Time of the Year!!!

Halloween is rapidly approaching. I guess I’ve never grown up because (A) I wish I could still go door-to-door asking for candy, and (B) I take enormous pride in creating weird/funny Halloween costumes (for the Halloween parties I go to). Maybe I do this because my mom never really allowed me to have cool costumes – she generally always saved my jeans that I had ruined (usually sliding on concrete at school), and then would ultimately dress me as some sort of bum (thanks, mom). What I wouldn’t have given to be a vampire, werewolf, or member of Kiss. So, come college, I started taking pride in my Halloween garb. I’ve probably done this in a prior post, but who cares – I’m doing it again. Here is a list of my favorite Halloween costumes:

1. Mick Jagger, circa the early 1970’s glam-rock years – I went full out with lipstick, eye shadow, purple stretch pants. Quite an amazing outfit, if I do say so myself.

2. Drew Carey – I always get compared with him – me being a thinner version of the guy. So, I borrowed some of my dads clothes, stuffed them with pillows, got some black glasses, and ta-da!!!! I actually won the best costume contest at the party I was at.

3. The Nittany Lion – I worked at Penn State Delaware County, one of the branch campuses, and was able to get the mascot costume for the weekend – sure it was hot and sweaty, but it LOOKED cool.

4. Heino – this was my favorite in recent memory. I spent a lot of time trying to find a red sports-coat, and I ordered a mountainous background poster that I was able to attach to the sportscoat (Heino took a lot of pictures in front of mountains). In case you don’t know who Heino is (I’m guessing hardly anyone does), check him out here: http://www.heino.de/

5. The Nature Boy, Rick Flair – This may have been the most elaborate costume I ever did. My wife and I went overboard with his robe – in case you don’t know who Flair is – he is only the greatest professional wrestler of all time. He is also very flamboyant – here is one of his robes, to give you an idea on just how much of an effort we had to put in: http://www.obsessedwithwrestling.com/pictures/r/ricflair/62.jpg

If I ever find any of those pics – I’ll try to post them.

Stoppage Time

For the Life of Me, I’ll Never Understand This:
Concert presales are the big thing, and have been for quite a while. Basically, if you like a particular band, you can join their “fan club,” for a nominal fee (for the Stones, it’s $100). Basically, all you get is annoying e-mails about new concerts in Bangladesh, and the opportunity to buy tickets before they go on sale (the only real reason to “join” a fan club). The problem is, that this presale basically sells out concert venues before tickets even go on sale. So, much like new football stadiums, this “nominal fee” becomes more like a personal seat license (PSL) – or in other words, paying for the right to pay for tickets. You know, there is going to be a point where there will be different levels of presales, depending on how much money you are willing to shell out – Platinum presale, Gold presale, etc. Why even bother putting the tickets on sale anymore? This really bugs the sh*t out of me. I remember a day (dating myself here), when we used to have to sleep out in parking lots of stadiums for tickets … now, I didn’t much enjoy that, but still, THAT was better than this presale scam.

Stupid Conversation/Quote of the Week:
“Wait, scallops are shellfish? I thought they were like oysters.” A coworker of mine, Kurtis was wondering why he broke out after eating scallops at a wedding. After a brief discussion, it finally clicked in his head, but we didn’t even get into the whole conversation about oysters being shellfish. Your tax dollars at work.

Cool Band Name of the Week:
Thundersnow – I heard a weather forecaster use this term this morning, and thought it ruled.

Made up Word of the Week:
Lunch Box – Now, I know this is an actual word, BUT I just found out this week that you use this word as a put-down to somebody you don’t like. For instance, you see a jerk crossing the street when the light is red, and you say, “Hey, look at that Lunch Box over there.” I don’t know – it seemed funnier at the time …

Stoppage Time

Funny Joke I Thought I’d Pass Along:
A college friend of mine e-mailed me this beauty, and I’m still laughing, so I did what any blog-buddy in their right mind would do – I decided to share it with you:
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would
you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said,
"Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

Yellowstone Park Blowout????
I saw a show on the History Channel regarding Yellowstone Park and how it is actually the largest volcano in North America, and when it eventually blows again, it will create worldwide chaos. Do you think the park rangers at Yellowstone enjoyed this one? How about the marketing people at Yellowstone? I ask this because after viewing this, there is no way I am EVER going to Yellowstone. Just thought I’d share.

El Nino Alert
I heard on the news this morning that we should be having a mild winter and save lots of money on heating expenses thanks to El Nino. My first thought was, is this the Hispanic Santa Claus? Or maybe this is what you get after you eat bad Mexican food. Then, of course, I remembered that we had El Nino a bunch of years ago, when we had droughts and really hot weather (at least that’s what we had on the East coast). Helluva way to spin this into a good story. As an aside, this story reminded me of when Chris Farley played “El Nino” on Saturday Night Live, and the classic line – “El Nino, which is Spanish for … the Nino.”

Stoppage Time

T. Who?
It was enjoyable to watch yet another chapter in T.O.’s book, “How to Dismantle a Team” last night. Owens only caught 3 balls, and none of them were very meaningful, but the cameras caught him yelling at just about everybody on the sidelines … I bet Parcels asked Owens’s doctor to up the dosage just in case. Funny how T.O. has the “balls” to yell at everybody on his team EXCEPT for Parcels. I bet coach was secretly hoping that T.O. would’ve approached him, because I bet Parcels would’ve given him a Stone Cold Stunner for his efforts. High comedy! And if you didn’t catch it, T.O. threw his quarterback under the bus at the press conference afterwards, saying something to the effect of “You guys saw the game …. I wasn’t the one pulling the trigger.” Can’t wait until T.O. accuses Bledsoe of being gay. I sincerely hope that the Cowboys spiral downward because of this one.

Let’s See Who Else I can Offend ...
I was at the bar watching the Eagles game last night, and two people (in their early 20’s) walked in with T.O. jerseys. Seriously, guys, what was your motivation? You walk into a Philly bar with those jerseys on, you are probably looking for a fight … thankfully, (A) the people at the bar totally ignored them, and (B) the Eagles won. I did wonder out loud if the kid had run out to purchase an Eric Stahl jersey after the Carolina Hurricanes won the cup, or if he had a John Garland White Sox jersey, but got rid of it because they didn’t make the playoffs this season. What a tool.

What’s The Deal?
Are air-conditioning and heater repair people just like the cable people? The reason I ask this is because I had to take off work today to wait for the repair guy to give my heater a check-up … sure, this task only takes about 20 minutes or so, HOWEVER the repair guy said he would be at my house sometime between 11 and 4. Great, thanks for ruining the middle part of my day, dickhead. Not that I don’t mind staying home from work, but I can’t really go anywhere, because I gotta wait for the guy with plumber’s butt to fondle my heater.

F the Yankees
By the way, congrats to the Detroit Tigers for eliminating the most despicable team in sports, the New York Yankees. Anytime I can see Steinbrenner upset, it’s a wonderful moment. Plus, it is good to see Jim Leyland doing a great job as manager for Detroit, because the Phillies ignored him when he openly asked to manage the ball club. Now, Steinbrenner is panicking, and will probably fire the only guy on that team that is likeable… Joe Torre. Good work, boss. Maybe you should just up the payroll to $300 million and get it over with, you jerk.

Stoppage Time

What About Philly?
I was listening to a song by the Living Things this morning called “Bom-Bom-Bom.” It is a very cool song, but one thing really bothers me about it. Now, it’s not anything about the music, the band, or the singer. No, my beef is really a stupid one. During one part of the song, the lyrics go, “I said: No NYC, Los Angeles … No Saint Louis … no New Orleans.” I was miffed by these lyrics, because they did not include “Philly” in them. Why does this bother me so much? I’m sure nobody else cares that “Detroit,” or “Akron” wasn’t mentioned in the song, so why does it affect me so much? Is it because of the lack of sports championships that makes me feel this way? Maybe it’s because New York is like Philly’s big brother, getting all the accolades and acclaim, while Philly gets pushed into the background (sitting at the “little-city’s” table during holiday dinners). Maybe it’s me – maybe I’ve sniffed too much glue in the past, that trivial things like this bother me. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this?

Another Thing That Annoys Me for Inexplicable Reasons:
Let me first apologize to friends and family who read this blog and have done this in the past – the best part about living in this country is that we can all basically decide on our own what is cool and what is not cool. One thing that I really find uncool is when fathers name their kids after themselves (such as John, John, Jr. and so on). Seriously, do you really have that big of an ego that you have to eliminate your son’s individuality by naming him the same name as you? You know, you could’ve just have given that honor to his middle name, you pompous egotistical jerks. Please, spare me the reasoning, I don’t want to hear it. Why don’t you just go name that tree in your front yard after yourself, and be done with it … phew, I feel better.

Seriously, You Pedestrians are Really Starting to Get on my Nerves:
Look, I have no problems with normal pedestrians – you know, the ones that follow the rules – cross when the light is green, walking a little more briskly across certain crosswalks – that sort of thing. But you other ones, the ones that think that the world is named after them, the ones who pretend that cars don’t even exist – you guys are assholes, and I debated about using that term because I know it gives assholes a bad name. C’mon, humor me – why not just place a mattress in the middle of the busy intersection and take a nap. You do realize that a lot of the traffic problems that you complain about on a regular basis are because of your ignorant slow ass that takes his/her time to cross the street, don’t you? Or are you oblivious to everything? Wow, now I REALLY feel better.

“Song I Can’t Seem To Stop Playing” of the Week:
Bones by the Killers. I bought their new cd, Sam’s Place this week, and while I’ll probably need to give it a few spins before I can give a fair assessment of it, I just can’t seem to stop playing the song Bones. It’s definitely more bubble-gum poppy, but the horns in the main chorus are so addicting – just this morning I listened to the song five times in a row. Download this from I-Tunes immediately.


Best Bargain of the Week:
I bought a 5+ whole beef tenderloin at $3.99 a pound, and the butcher even cut it for free! I’m not sure why I’m so happy about this. I can’t talk enough about great deals, especially when I partake in them. I’m such a grocery shopping whore.

Stupid Los Joke of the Week:
“That’s odd.” “Like the number three?” Ink said the first comment during one of our conversations (all of our conversations are odd), so I had to add the zinger in, because that’s just the way I am.

“The Quote That Basically Sums it all Up” of the Week:
“There’s good things about it, and there’s bad things about it. I choose to see the bad things about it today.” Ink, obviously in a bad mood.

“That’s What She Said” Quote of the Week:“
You have to keep your manhood in there.” If you read this, you probably are thinking to yourself, there is no way that the person who uttered this wasn’t talking about sex … Well, actually, B really wasn’t talking about “bumpin’ uglies” when he came up with this knee-slapper.

Los and Smoke, Episode 3

This is the podcast that accompanies the blog from earlier in the week. A lot of things get "revealed." Enjoy!


Click here to get your own player.

Not Such a Hot Idea ...

After learning how stupid I can be by reading the previous post, you are all probably wondering what other stupid things I’ve done in my life. Thankfully, for you, there are many, many stories I can share with you, and perhaps I’ll continue to share them from time to time (if you’re good). This particular story that I’m about to share should give you a better understanding about my “stupid boundaries,” and whether or not they exist.

Two years ago, my brother had an Independence Day barbecue/party at his house. As luck would have it, he had an ample supply of beer and Jagermeister handy, and I, being a proper guest, indulged in both of these. So, by the time the sun went down, and fireworks were being shot off, I was inebriated enough to partake in the festivities. Fortunately, my brother only had sparklers available, so that major travesties could be avoided.

Unfortunately, my brother, probably against better judgment, handed me a lit sparkler. Now, I’m not sure if it was because of “liquid courage,” or just plain alcoholic stupidity, I came to a most regrettable decision in which I was going to attempt to put out the sparkler with my fingers. Again, I’m not sure how I came up with this brilliant idea … in fact, I’m not even sure if I was thinking at all by this point.

To make sure that no harm would be done, I licked said fingers. This should more than protect me against the molten sparkler, I surmised. Predictably, I burnt a hole in my thumb, but the alcohol had done a nice job of numbing the pain (and intelligence). Apparently, the inebriation prevented me from reasoning with myself – when sober, I know that molten metal can approach temperatures of 2500 degrees, but when intoxicated, I believe that mucous can protect skin from these high temperatures.

My big hope anytime I do something this moronic is that I have taught people valuable life-lessons, and I truly hope this has helped you out as well. No need to thank me.

How Did You Find Those????

An interesting weekend all-around, but not because of all the household chores that we did this weekend. I won’t bore you with the details about how we power-washed and stained our deck, because this will either (A) put you to sleep, or (B) force you never to come to this blog site again. By the way, I absolutely HATE lattice now, because staining lattice is about as much fun as going to a Catholic wedding.

What made it interesting was that in cleaning the house, my wife happened to find some naked pictures of an ex-girlfriend that I had totally forgotten about. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you, this is probably something you don’t want to have happen to you.

A normal (crazy) woman probably would’ve freaked out more than Jennifer Aniston did when she found out that her husband was dumping her for Angelina Jolie. Thankfully, my wife is generally a level-headed person, and even though she was slightly miffed at me for this, she found it more humorous than anything else. In fact, she wants to “discuss” this incident on our next podcast (shameless self-promotion).

Obviously, this podcast should be very intriguing, as my wife won’t discuss with me exactly what she is going to say about this “experience.” In my defense, I totally forgot I still even had these pictures – it’s probably been close to 10 years since I last saw them. They were taken (by me) when I was in college, more as a joke than anything else. Certainly, there was never an intention to have my wife find these.

My question to all of you is this. Have you ever either photographed/videotaped your girlfriend/boyfriend naked, OR have you ever had this done to you? Don’t worry, if you are embarrassed, you don’t have to reveal this. I just thought it would be an interesting topic of discussion. If you did do this, have the pictures been destroyed?