Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Office Restroom Terminology

I enjoyed the last posting, and figured I'd pass this one along - you've probably seen this one before, but it still makes me laugh. Enjoy:

RESTROOM TERMINOLOGY

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE
A toilet that has seen more butts than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include miscellaneous "hair", pee stains and brown streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

23 comments:

mollymcmommy said...

OMG i really enjoyed that! i so love potty humour, i'm mature like that :)

i've done the courtesy flush.

a friend had her 2yr old in the stall with her when the lady next to her did a fart (one of those loud echo-ee ones in the toilet bowel) and she said nice and loud "What was that loud noise mommy?" ,my friend was trying so hard not to laugh.

m

Christina_the_wench said...

lmao @ molly.

Jeff said...

"Havana Omelet" is the strongest argument for a Courtesy Flush. (It's also something we wish Fidel Castro would have more often.)

"Crack Whore" about toilets? Come on.

"Turd Burglar" is a gay slur.

"Walk of Shame" is when a sorority girl finds her way home the next morning.

And some people think "Stage Fright" has to do with being unable to go once in the bathroom.

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Courtesy flushes never seem to work well for me.

Eric said...

Talking about poop never gets old

Los said...

Molly - Fantastic story!

Christina - Funny how poop talk always seems to be popular.

Jeff - Still a good list, though.

Rev - I don't like courtesy flushes because of the back splash.

Eric - Always get a lot of responses with these ones.

Fairmaiden327 said...

Los, morning - hugs.

ToddPacker said...

Great list. I especially enjoyed "Havana omelet".

I would also add some type of name to the list for using the handicap stall. It's usually cleaner, a little bit bigger, has handle bars for holding on (if things get a little rough) and often has its own sink. A great option as long as a handicap person doesn't come in while you you're using it.

Los said...

FM - good to see you back!

TP - I always go for the handicapped stalls when possible. They are so much roomier, cleaner, and have great acoustics.

El Padrino said...

ha hahahaha hahahahahaha
this shit is funny

Fairmaiden327 said...

Los I didn't comment because this is 10 years old. Although it never gets old.

Los said...

FM - I know it's old, but I figured what the hell - office pooping is a great story.

iamunstoppable said...

ive had a door popped open on me by a turd burglar..

i rock the camo-cough on a regular basis now.

Steph said...

I had the misfortune of an 'escapee' the other day and the woman in the next stall started laughing!

She seemed to be taking her time in there so i did the worlds quickest wipe, flush and wash of hands to be out of there before she finished.

Oh the humanity!!

Los said...

IAM - I won't take a growler in a stall with no lock (or one that is broken). One of my greatest fears is someone walkin' in on me "takin' the Browns to the Super Bowl."

Steph - We have people at work that deliberately force out "escapees" when at the urinal. I just feel like punching them in the throat repeatedly. If it's an accident, I can understand. If nobody else is in the restroom, fart away when you urinate, but please don't disrespect me with your flatulence whilst standing next to me peeing. There, that felt good.

-B- said...

I do the FLY-BY all the time.
The HAVANA OMELET sounds like "Popping the Cork" with a little bit of WATERMELON thrown in for good measure. I can't take credit for the cork term.

Finally, I hate the UNCLE TED. I call them "Campers" - they camp out in the stall.. trying to out-wait you. I finally just say screw it and let'er rip with an ESCAPEE.
No courtesy flush here! Let him do the Walk of Shame!!!

Fairmaiden327 said...

b - you are killing me. My butt cheeks would rather shrivel up then letting someone hear me in the bathroom.

Los said...

-B- you don't need a good reason to fart, you just fart whenever. That's good stuff right there.

FM - I used to be like that, but I've changed ... not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Fairmaiden327 said...

Molly: I LOVE YOUR AVATAR.

Fairmaiden327 said...

Los: Where are you buddy?

Los said...

Sorry FM - I wasn't in work today ... I had some "business" to attend to. Will elaborate if something comes of it.

Corey & Carson said...

I call people turd burglars all the time! I was going to add it too your fine list until alas it was there. Good stuff, or should I say shit in this case?!

Anonymous said...

Holy hell, I have not laughed this hard in a loooong time.