Ode to the Mac Dade Mall

This post is not like my other posts - I promise I will be back with more humor on Friday.

Most of you probably have never heard of the Mac Dade Mall, unless, of course, you lived in Delaware County. I have very fond memories of this tiny, often overlooked, place. I went back on Monday, probably for the last time, just to pay tribute to it. Not many stores are left, and the quiet was eerie.

My mom used to take me up there all the time when I was just a little “Los.” We would walk the 15 minutes, shop at the Super Saver (now an Acme), walk through the nicely air-conditioned mall, down to the Woolco (now a K-Mart), eat a soft pretzel and drink an Icee.

When my friends and I went to the ERIC theatre, we would first stop at the Richards 5&10 and pick up some snacks, so we didn’t have to pay those outrageous movie theatre prices.

I would sometimes buy fancy clothes at the Carlton Shoppe, maybe play some arcade games at the Time Zone (always hoping that Punchout or Tag Team Wrestling didn’t have a line).

In my teenage years, I worked at Seven Seas Pet Center (then, Hooked on Pets, and then again Seven Seas Pet Center). I made many friends at the Italian Delight, K-Mart, Hot Diggity Dog, Mac Dade Eatery, and other stores working there. Most of those stores are now long gone. I fought back the tears walking down the empty mall, trying to remember which stores were located where.

I know that Smokin’ Steve is probably going through the same or more – as he spent much more time at the mall than I did (his mom has been the manager there for, what seems like, ever). We’ll have to go out one night soon, and make a toast to the place that watched us grow up.

Memorial Day Inga-isms.

Since it is Memorial Day, I wanted to give you a post, but I’m once again too busy to make a significant one, so once again, I’m borrowing from my old website. As some of you may know, my parents were originally from Germany. They’ve been in this country for approximately 50 years. Both still have very strong German accents. Thankfully, my dad is good with the grammar. My mom, however, has never gotten true hold of it (the language, you pervs). I call her language miscues as “Inga-isms.” Here is a sampling:

1. Kal's in the toilet. The grand-daddy of them all! My mom used this phrase when I was in the bathroom and can't get to the phone. She has ruined many a date for me in the past.
2. Kal, do the jellybeans bite? Mom used this one when we were in Myrtle Beach, in the ocean. My response was, "The red ones are a little spicy."
3. Kal's in the basement, making exercise. This is what I'm doing when I should be working out.
4. Kal, the smoke detector is empty. Well, fill it back up with smoke!
5. Kal, enjoy the boys. This is what she would tell me when I went to the bars … and no, I’m not gay.
6. Kal, would you like some warm chocolate milk? Hot Chocolate never sounded so good!
7. Kal, will there be any stripers at the bachelor party? Mom wanting to know what kind of fish there will be.
8. No, I'm sorry. Kal's in Sue. My mom telling a friend I was over at Sue's house.
9. Kal, is the ocean big? Not so big this time of year.
10. Kal, did you hear about the Amtrak scare? No, but I did hear about the Anthrax scare.
11. Kal, you should put silicone on your sunburn. That way I could increase it's size.

Number 2's

I don’t have much time this weekend, but wanted to give ya something to read in case you are bored, or like to read my posts whilst in the crapper. I figured I’d do a fitting post regarding great “Number 2” lines that I’ve heard. I have an entire list of ‘em on my old website (http://losrulz.tripod.com/number_2.htm), and figured I’d share some of my favorites with you. If you have any that you’d like to share, please let me know!

Here they are in no particular order:

* "I just mailed a turd to the sewer using Crapper's Same-Day Delivery."
* "I'm gonna pay a visit to the Angry Chair.”
* "I've got a meeting to attend at the oval office."
* “I just returned from hangin' bananas."
* "I have to unleash the party snakes."
* "I'm going to solid fart."
* "I'm going to 'give the brown tongue.'"
* "Time to go drown some brown."
* "I just flew the toilet kite."
* "I just tattooed the toilet."
* "I just dropped some rope."
* "I was just in the fecal position."
* "I ripped off some tree bark."
* "I got some luggage in the trunk."
* “I just released the mud eels from the butt cave."
* "I just created some dark matter."
* "I just 'Clubber Langed' the toilet."
* "I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl."
* "I have to download a fecal file."
* "I have a runner in scoring position."

Things That May Only Bother Me

Now, I don’t like going on negative rants (sure you don’t, Los), but I was thinking about things that bother me the other day, and I got to thinking that quite a few of said things probably bother only me. I figured I’d list a bunch of these, and see (a) if you agree with any of them, and (B) solicit things you think only bother you as well. So, without further adieu, the list:

* Steak and Eggs bothers me – one is breakfast and one is dinner. They should not be mixed. It’s like crossing streams in Ghostbusters.

* Not having a choice for a side besides hash-browns at restaurants for breakfast – I hate hash-browns, and there should be an alternative for idiots (like me) who are hard to please … like, say tater tots?

* People who don’t use their turn-signals – If you are a religious reader of this blog, you already know this. I am so fanatical, that I think you should even use the turn signal at 4:00 in the morning when nobody else is on the road.

* The little “Zoom-Zoom” kid from the Mazda commercials – I so desperately wanted one of the Mazda drivers to “accidentally” run him over. The kid haunted my dreams for many nights a few years ago.

* Chili with beans – Did you know that original chili is made without beans? That’s the one I prefer, because I, too, am an original.

* Meter Maids in the city of Philadelphia – My god, these animals hide behind trees, trash cans, and mailboxes, waiting for meters to run out so they can get their fancy little ticket books out to write people tickets. These people have the power to create bad.

* NASCAR and Country Music – Enough already! We get it! The south is so “in” right now.

* News Anchors and weather people who try to have a “spontaneous” conversation – Seriously, guys, nobody is buying it. You guys are about as interesting as a Saltine.

* Gas stations that charge for air – As if bending us over and sticking the gas nozzle in isn’t enough, you still have to charge for air????

* Serving Size recommendations for food – Who in the world can only eat 3 chocolate chip cookies??? Who the hell is making these suggestions, Nicole Richie?

Barba-No!

A potentially legendary tragedy apparently took place this weekend of the likes of such other Philadelphia tragedies as the Mitch Williams Home Run, and Justin Guarini. That’s right – Wunder-horse Barbaro broke his hind leg in three places, effectively ending the triple-crown talk - and probably pissing off many executives at NBC, who will now have to try and sell advertising for the –yawn- Belmont Stakes without being able to promote the possibility of the Triple Crown.

Barbaro and his jig-saw puzzled leg was the lead story in just about every local news/sports show this weekend, and even today, and was very high up in national news as well. And, while it is a shame horse, I must remind everybody, IT IS ONLY A HORSE! My goodness, I’ve never seen anything like this – one would think that this horse was a movie star, war-hero, and chemist who found a cure for cancer rolled up in one.

Need I remind everybody that this horse is owned by people who are so wealthy that they probably have never seen a quarter before? Why does everybody care so much about this? Is Philly so desperate that its very existence (and sanity) depended on a horse to win the triple crown?

I’m not trying to playa-hate on animal lovers (yeah, I went ghetto on ya, deal with it). I love animals (not in that way, pervs). I never want to see bad things happen to animals, but when this is the lead story on a news program, something is wrong. Again, I remind you, it is only a horse. A HORSE! One that would’ve been put down had it not been worth so much friggin’ money. Oh yes, that is the ONLY reason this horse is being saved – so that the owners can make more money on it. I hope nobody thinks that they were performing life-saving surgery on Barbaro because he was a nice horse. Rubbish. They make their money on studding the horse (good for the horse AND the owner, but how good is it for anyone else?).

Geez, they are making a bigger deal about Barbaro’s leg than the elections and the attached violence in the Iraq. Eh, who cares about world issues and mass human deaths – a friggin’ horse broke its leg during a rich-persons’ race. What’s wrong with you people? Seriously.

There was even a title that was given to this story – “Bleakness at Preakness.” Seriously? Were there any other words that they were thinking of using? Like maybe – “Freakness,” or “Reekness?” Was it really that slow of a news weekend?

More and More Useless Info

1. The much anticipated release of the on-screen version of The DaVinci Code is taking place this Friday to much fanfare and also much protest. First of all, I think people have to realize that this is just a movie – take it for what it is. For those who believe in all of the “facts” of the movie, do us all a favor and stick your finger in a light socket - we’ll let you know when to pull it out. Sure, you can use the middle one – that would be the one I’m giving you right now.

2. Let me tell you, it is hard to be a Philly sports fan, especially when both the NBA and NHL playoffs are producing some of the best games in recent memory.

3. So, what is the deal with 2-hour season finales for all T.V. shows now? I’m not complaining, especially when I get twice as much “24,” and “Lost.” I’m just wondering if this is just a fad, or if this has been an ongoing occurrence – You see, I haven’t really followed many TV shows in recent years, so I may have missed this. Will and Grace is two hours, and normally this show is only ½ hour. Is this fair? Will we be spared an extra hour of American Idol?

4. I hate Honda. Not because of their cars – those are actually well-built. But, I hate Honda because of their new ad campaign for their new car, the Fit. The slogan is, “The Fit is Go!” First, it makes no sense. Look, I know that this is a typical Japano-translation error that has now become trendy. I guess trendy passed me by, because I find it more annoying than anything. The worst part is, much like Achy Breaky Heart, the venom sticks in your head, even though you try and try to rip it out.

5. I saw a segment on a local news show about annoying coworkers the other day. Some of the obvious items that were discussed were loud coworkers, nosy coworkers, and coworkers with annoying cell phone rings. Believe me, all of those coworkers are present in the office I work in. But, let me add a few more – I hate coworkers who “lurk.” These ones will float behind you without you even noticing them. They will sit there until you acknowledge their existence and talk to them. Additionally, I hate the brown-noser/tattle-tale types – I don’t think we have any here, but I’ve had experiences with them in the past.

Where the Hell is Riggs?

I know, I know – I said I wouldn’t talk about Barry Bonds again, and I really meant it. And this really isn’t directly focused at him, so it really doesn’t count. I watched a snippet of a Danny Glover interview, I believe it was on ESPN, on Saturday, when Glover, a friend of the Bonds family, defended Barry by saying something along the lines that all the negative criticism that Bonds was getting was because he was black.

I want to preface this rant by saying that I always enjoyed Danny Glover, from the middle-aged cranky cop side-kick of Mel Gibson’s in Lethal Weapon, to the guy who was trying to sell us a new phone service in those MCI commercials. I’m sure the guy has been in other movies (none of which I can currently think of), and I’ve seen him interviewed before – he always seemed pretty intelligent.

But, man, did he look and sound like a total schmuck during this interview. I’ve heard Paris Hilton say more eloquent and intelligent things in her “home video release” than Glover did in this interview. Sure, when Aaron was chasing Ruth back in the ‘70’s, he was getting death threats from a bunch of racist, uneducated Americans. There was certainly quite a bit more racism back then than there is now, without question. And, yes, McGuire probably should’ve been worked over harder by the media and fans when his steroid-swollen ass collected the home run record in the late 1990’s (I have a theory as to why he didn’t get grilled then – because fans wanted to fall in love with baseball again).

However, to say that this Bonds bashing is solely racially fueled is like saying that all of the O.J. Simpson bashing was racially motivated. Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous! I’m a firm believer in the term “you reap what you sow.” Bonds has been a prick his entire life … and worse than that, he has been a jealous prick. So, when McGuire bulked up faster than the Incredible Hulk to hit 70 home runs, Bonds decided he had to bulk up even quicker. However, one major difference between Bonds and McGuire (no, not skin color) was that Bonds enjoyed being a jerk to just about everyone he met, while McGuire was more of a fan favorite.

This doesn’t make McGuire right. McGuire’s records should be eliminated from baseball’s record books as well. My point is that Glover should’ve at the very least acknowledged how much of a bite-in-the-ass his “friend” Barry was, instead of pushing all of the blame to the racist media and people of the United States. I’m guessing the deal for Lethal Weapon 5 fell through, and this is the only way that anybody will give a flying rat’s ass about Danny Glover again. Well, done, Murtaugh!

Take Me Out to Which Ballgame?

I saw a Mastercard commercial this weekend that was promoting the Men’s U.S. soccer team this weekend. Now, I had seen this commercial a few times before, and had never realized why it pissed me off … until Saturday. Look, I’m happy anytime the soccer team gets some air time – I’m guessing most Americans probably know more about rocket science than they do about the World Cup. So, why would a Mastercard commercial piss me off?

It’s simple. Mastercard uses the “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” song as background for a commercial featuring the U.S. soccer team. As most of you hopefully, know, this tune is a baseball diddy – NOT a soccer diddy. I’m guessing there aren’t too many American songs that commemorate or celebrate this sport, but why a baseball song? Couldn’t they regurgitate some tired Bob Seger song for this? Why don’t they try to be trendy and get some new modern rock song for this commercial? Are you telling me that this is the only song that “fits” with the whole theme of the Mastercard commercial?

Am I taking this too seriously? Probably. For some reason, poorly done commercials, or blatantly bad commercials get under my skin. I’m guessing the reason behind this is that if these companies who are paying for air-time are really trying to get us to use their products, shouldn’t they do a better job with their commercials? I’ve vented before on the Bud Light vomit-trail of a string of commercials featuring the unlikable Ted Ferguson, and the KFC commercials that feature the overplayed Lynard Skynard “Sweet Home Alabama” song (It is Kentucky Fried Chicken, NOT Alabama Fried Chicken, dammit!).

Back to the Mastercard commercial. Do I think people will confuse soccer with baseball because of the song? No (although, I think some of the “lesser-educated” might). So, why should I care? Honestly, I don’t know why I care, but I do. Commercials should get it right, shouldn’t they? They spend millions of dollars to develop these time wasters. But for what? So, we can watch P-Diddy tell us to drink Pepsi because it’s “Brown and Bubbly?”

I know. I'm such a tool.

My Many Nicknames

Over the years, I have acquired quite a few nicknames. Some of them have stuck, and some of them have faded into the past. The funny thing is that I remember the origins of many of my nicknames, and since it is Friday, and I can’t think of anything else to write about, I figured I’d bore you with this topic (you’re welcome):

1. Kaz (pronounced Kahz) – This one was given to me at a very early age, I believe I was in first grade when we schoolchildren were discussing something about World War II, Nazis, Japs, and Kamikaze missions, and since my first name was similar to Kamikaze (the first two letters are the same), some of my peers began calling me Kamikaze. It was eventually shortened to Kaz, and this nickname stuck with me until high school.

2. Los (pronounced low-s). This is probably my favorite one, and was given to me when I was on the Interboro soccer team. Apparently, our first names were not good enough, so the captains of the team decided each of us needed a different name. Mine was originally going to be Karlos, but it was eventually shortened to Los. This became the dominant nickname for me throughout high school, and I wanted it to continue through college, but when I told my college buddies to call me Los, they said, “Whatever, Karl.” It is still used by many of my high school buddies, but I fear it is slowly becoming a thing of the past … much like the Backstreet Boyz and Jay Leno.

3. Stupid German – This was an alternative nickname to Los in high school. Since I’m German and I do stupid things, the nickname came naturally. Thankfully, it never caught on.

4. The Winner – I was given this nickname by a lady with no teeth taking her daughter for a walk last year. A few friends of mine and I went on a bar tour, and as we were leaving one bar to go to another, we walked by this piece of white trash. I had a lot of quarters in my pocket, so my pants jingled as I walked (I needed quarters for the Megatouch machine, dammit!!!!). The lady heard this, and she said, “Hey, you must be the winner.” I would’ve punched her, but it looked like somebody beat her to me. Anyway, this nickname stuck for the rest of the bar tour, and will probably be brought out for the next bar tour (which happens to take place tomorrow).

5. Bubbie – This is one that my wife uses for me. I’m not really sure what her inspiration was for this, but she uses it all the time. I guess it is better than being called “Piece of Shit,” or something like that.

If any of you can think of any more for me, go right ahead (keep it clean).

Sleep Apnea For Fun and Profit

Snoring is an intriguing phenomenon in that apparently, it can actually kill. I snore a little bit, and that’s probably only because I’m a little overweight. I never used to snore when I was younger, but apparently (according to my wife) I’ve picked up the habit a little.

Now, I’m not nearly as bad as some people. My dad is a heavy snorer. When staying at that house, it is best to fall asleep quickly, because his haunting snores can be heard throughout the entire dwelling. Unfortunately for my dad, his snores are not very rhythmic. Rhythmic snoring isn’t so bad, because others can get used to it and use it as a tool to fall asleep. However, my father’s snores sound eerily similar to the sound of a crow that is cawing through a megaphone next to your ear … yeah, not a good sound. Additionally, it gets louder, quieter, more mucous-filled – cats in heat are even afraid to get anywhere near that house.

My dad has never sought treatment for this – I’m not even sure there is treatment. Obviously, since he’s never gone to a doctor about it, he’s never had any diagnosis. The fear is that it could be sleep apnea – which apparently could be dangerous. Here is the definition I found from Dictionary.com:
Sleep Apnea - A temporary suspension of breathing occurring repeatedly during sleep that often affects overweight people or those having an obstruction in the breathing tract, an abnormally small throat opening, or a neurological disorder.

My father is closing in on his mid-70’s, so obviously, it really hasn’t affected him. My mom, on the other hand, has probably lost a lot of sleep in her life because of it. In fact, after my younger brother was born, they slept in separate rooms because she couldn’t get used to the constant snores anymore.

I have a few friends who have been tested for sleep apnea, and I hear that the testing is vigorous and very uncomfortable. Doesn’t one need comfort in order to sleep? It’s 2001 – I would think that science would’ve developed a better means to test for apnea than the current way, which involves taping wires all over the head area, and wearing some sort of mask. This makes being stuck in an elevator with Gene Shallot seem like a picnic.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. I don’t have sleep apnea (as far as I know), but I remember going to New Orleans with a friend who had sleep apnea so bad, that it probably would’ve been easier for me to sleep on an airport runway than in the same bedroom as him. A few of the things I contemplated doing included sleeping in the bathtub, going out at night and sleeping during the day (or the exact opposite of what he was doing), and even suffocating him came to mind (it’s amazing what will go through your head when you are sleep deprived).

I guess my point is – if you are sleeping over at my house, and you have sleep apnea, you better either make sure I have taken sleeping pills OR you should sleep in the basement.

New Jersey Slogan Ideas

So, I read somewhere that New Jersey is scrapping their state slogan – “Come See For Yourself.” This is the second motto change in two years. Hell, they’re changing slogans faster than I read books. I find it funny and relevant, mainly because I work in New Jersey. I also have a few friends who have recently (within the past 5-6 years) moved to New Jersey, so I do get to visit the state … probably more than I want to.

Anyway, I figured, since they are probably looking for a new slogan, maybe I or my two or three readers could help the state out. I already gave one suggestion on my other blog (losrulz.blogspot.com) – “Still One of the Fifty States.” But, I really want to deliver a bunch of ideas for the State to work with. So, without further ado, here is my top ten list of slogan ideas for New Jersey:

1. The Only State Crazy Enough to Use Jug-Handles Excessively.
2. A Little Taste of the South Up North.
3. That Small Strip of Land Between New York and Philly.
4. What’s That Smell? Come See For Yourself (a takeoff on the last slogan).
5. Should We Change Our Name to Atlantic City?
6. Hey, Nobody Watched the Miss America Pageant Anyway.
7. You Should See Who We Elected This Time.
8. Vegas, Schmegas
9. Pull My Finger
10. You Wants Tomatoes? We Got Your Tomatoes Right Here.

Cinco De Mayo at Hibachi's????

A few of us are getting together at Hibachi’s tonight. For those of you not familiar with this dining experience, it is very similar to Benihannas (sp?). A group of people sit around a hibachi (large Japanese grill), and the chef proceeds to cook everybody’s meal in a most entertaining fashion, and basically tells bad jokes in a thick Japanese accent. At some point in the cooking experience, the following will happen:

1. The chef will have an egg, and do tricks with it, with it eventually finding its way onto the chef’s hat – as the chef begs all “participants” to tell him where the egg is.

2. The chef will cook a bunch of extra shrimp, and will fling them into the mouths of the participants (this may change, however, because some schmuck decided to sue Benihannas when he choked on one of these. This guy should never be allowed to go to a restaurant again). The chef will pick one person at the table, usually the fattest, and fling 3-4 shrimp in a row in his mouth (thankfully, I’m off the hook, as Smokin’ is attending).

3. The chef will make some sort of joke regarding rice. It will not be funny at all, but everyone at the table will give him a mercy laugh, much like people do to Jim Belushi.

All of this for just $20. It is a lot of fun, and I especially recommend it to a group of people who want to go out, be sociable, and have a good time. However, tonight may not be the best night to go, because it is Cinco De Mayo. I’m gonna guess that Asian restaurants normally don’t do a very good job with this holiday, considering it has nothing to do with them. With that said, here are my five predictions on what Hibachi’s will do to celebrate this momentous occasion:

1. Free grilled Chihuahuas for every party of 10.
2. Each chef will don a sombrero instead of the more traditional chef’s hat that most Japanese chefs choose to wear.
3. Featured drink will be Corona with Wasabe sauce.
4. A piñata will be set up – with patrons swinging. The piñata will be filled with tiny kamikaze airplanes.
5. Margaritas will include free mini Hari-Kari knives.

Typical Philly Sports

What a depressing time to be a Philadelphia sports fan. I was going to say that it is almost as bad as being a Los Angeles Clippers fan, but even they made it to the second round this year. This is probably why the following event irked me the other day. I was driving home from work on I-95, passing the stadiums, when I saw a billboard from the Philadelphia 76ers that said “Thank You.” The Sixers had one of their worst seasons in recent memory, and the moves that the front office made this season practically insure that we will have a few more seasons of the same ineptitude. Since, the billboard’s message was so awful, I figured I’d give the Sixers 10 other messages that they can replace this with:

10.We’re Sorry
9. Practice? We’re Talkin’ About Practice?
8. By the End of the Summer, You’ll Forget How Bad It Really Was.
7. Hey, Who Doesn’t Like Lotteries Anyway?
6. We Promise We’ll Do What the Phillies Did With Wade if You Promise to Buy Tickets.
5.Yeah, But What About Our Cool Mascot?
4. Don’t Worry. We Have Isaiah Thomas on Speed Dial.
3.At Least We’re Better Than 1972’s Team
2.Pat Croce, You Have Our Number.
Passion. Pride. Puhlease! (Thanks to Smokin’ Steve)


Speaking of which, I figured I’d Prognosticate as to what Bobby Clarke will do this offseason:

1.. Since Steve Yzermann is retiring from Detroit (most likely), he will now be “ready” to play for the Flyers.
2. Dominik Hasek is 43 – he may be too young to play goalie for the Flyers.
3. Plans to increase Hitchcock’s calorie count – he was a much better coach when he was fat.
4. Thinking about calling Kjell Samuelsson up, he was the tallest and slowest defensemen we ever had.5. Sign Desjardains to a 5-year contract, because he liked the slow-ness.

Infomercial-a-holic

My name is Los, and I have a problem. As some of you know, I easily get sucked into infomercials. More accurately stated, some people like to get high on drugs … I like to get high on infomercials. It’s true. I can’t wait to get up on a Saturday morning, go downstairs, sit on my couch and do away with 2-3 hours of my life, watching pathetic wannabe actors try to sell me something I don’t need. To be honest, if I wasn’t married, I probably would’ve bought a lot more products from infomercials than I already have.

Not that I’ve bought a lot of stuff from infomercials. In fact, I can only remember buying three items. The first was the Totally 80’s cd I purchased in the early 1990’s. At the time it was a great buy – prior to about 1000 other 80’s compilations being sold at Circuit City of $5.00. I also bought the Ronco 6-Star knife set, which we have used extensively over the past year-and-a-half. Lastly, I bought the Scunci Steamer – a wonderful steam-cleaning product that we use all around the house – one that has probably paid for itself a number of times.

I figured I would update you on the current infomercials that have piqued my interest (I have seen them numerous times, and have desired these products – but have somehow kept away from the telephone):

1. The Magic Bullet – My God, could the designers of the infomercials put together a more delectable advertisement? I feel like calling right now thinking about it. Not only do you get one set of Magic Bullet accessories, but if you order within ten minutes of the infomercial, you get a second set free – just in case you need a set for your vacation home. It looks so easy to make chicken salad, smoothie drinks, and pasta dishes – but I know that if were to purchase this, I would never use it, and would rapidly forget about the recipe ideas. But, man does it look cool. It even has a cool name.
2. The Power Storm Vacuum Cleaner – I just see the visual of the guy pulling a 285-pound refrigerator with the vacuum, which is supposed to display its power (now, I know that he was pulling it on a wood floor and it had wheels, but still). The ease at which he cleans the entire house has me thinking that I need one of those, even though we have a perfectly good vacuum cleaner that we don’t really use now. But, the really enticing part is that he includes a second Power Storm vacuum cleaner which you could give as a present (man, he is really thinking) AND a Power steamer (much like the Scunci) – it’s almost like I feel like an idiot for not calling.

3. The Little Giant Ladder – This one is a little pricey – starting at over $300. But, the infomercial shows how easy it is to put in different positions (much like Paris Hilton) and how you can throw away all your other ladders, because this one fits the bill as an all-in-one ladder. They even have that guy from Tool Time that isn’t named Tim Allen promoting it. If only I could afford it…


Please add any infomercials that you currently like.

Un-Neighborly

Generally, I try really hard to get along with my neighbors. Most of them are easy to get along with, so I expend very little energy tolerating them. However, one of my neighbors is really starting to wear on me.

She is known as the neighborhood gossip/snitch. She knows about everything going on long before anybody else does. She also sticks her big ugly nose where it doesn’t belong. She has never done this with me, because I keep to myself and never give her any ammunition. However, I’ve seen it done with a few neighbors, and she is relenting.

Let me give you one example. Her immediate neighbor, the one she shares the twin with (not a person, but a type of house), bought his house about 6 months before we bought ours. He has always been nothing but friendly to me, and has done major improvements to his property in the short time he has been there. For some reason, this bothers the sea-hag (since I can’t give you her name, I will be calling her this, because she looks like one). I’m guessing she doesn’t like the idea of home improvement around the neighborhood, because she would like to continue living in her filth and not feeling guilty about it.

So, now she is sticking her nose in his business, asking if he has gotten permits for his improvements. She even has mentioned on several times that the fence that separates their property is 3 inches on her side. Now, nobody should give a flying rat’s ass about 3 inches, especially since it was her dopey husband’s idea to do this years ago. But, now she wants to remind the guy over and over again that he can’t do anything on that part of the property, and that she may want to plant flowers there. In my humble opinion, she should at the very least think about removing the hairs inhabiting her face before she event worries about the three inches of property. This is but one “topic” that she has “discussed” with her neighbor. There are many more, and unfortunately, she comes by when she sees me outside to go over all of them, while I try mightily to ignore her (it never works, she could probably make a brick wall blink).

But now, I suspect that she is stealing my coupons. I know it seems petty, but I am really into coupon clipping now. But, this past week, we didn’t get our coupons … or did we. The Inquirer does a weird thing, in that they send out the coupons on Saturday and the newspaper on Sunday. We didn’t get the coupons on Saturday, so I called the Inquirer, and they delivered them yesterday. I put the coupons on my front step (I was on my way to work … and running late). But, when I got home, they were gone. This lady is the only one in the neighborhood who has no problems trespassing on anybody else’s property, and I know that this would be something she would be totally capable and willing to do.

What will I do about this? Probably not much. BUT, I will definitely tell her that somebody has been stealing my coupons the next time I talk to bush-face. Then, I will say that it has bothered me so much that I have installed a hidden camera to catch the thief. This will hopefully make the hairs on her face stand up, much like a porcupine.

Pitiful Pedestrians

As a driver of a car, I must admit that I am partial to the rights of automobile drivers everywhere, and I tend to take their side over the smug pedestrian. People who lack mobile transportation always whine about how they are always neglected by their brethren with vehicular transportation. And although this may be the case in many a situation, a reoccurring incident happened to me yet again this morning.

As I was dropping my wife off in Old City, I was making a right-hand turn onto 5th Street from Walnut Street. I saw a pedestrian speeding up his walking pace to cross the street – in my mind he was doing it just to slow down my commute. As he got to the street, he decided to slow his pace, totally ignoring the car that was trying to turn.

This kind of stuff infuriates me. I understand that pedestrians have the right of way, but please show a little respect here. I have no problems letting you cross the street, BUT IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE CROSSING, AND YOU ARE TAKING YOUR GOOD OLD TIME, EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW YOU ARE HOLDING UP TRAFFIC, I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOU. Show some respect, and you’ll get some respect. You are not the only person in the entire world that matters, jackass.

Here’s another one – now, pedestrians have the right of way at crosswalks, BUT if they cross somewhere else, that is illegal. I’m not trying to be a stickler for the rules, but if you are crossing, and you are not at an intersection, AND you are pulling the “I’m a pedestrian, and I’ll walk at any speed I want while ignoring oncoming traffic” routine, then again, I have a problem with you (for those of you who actually make an effort to cross at a faster pace, you are as good as gold in my book).
So, do us all a favor, pedestrians – let’s make an effort to help with the traffic problems, and walk a little more briskly across streets. You’ll reduce some aggravation.

Suggestions and Stuff

1. Current Song in My Head – “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo” by The Bloodhound Gang. If you haven’t heard this song yet, (A) you probably live in Philly (music selection is about as good as its clean waters), or (B) you just don’t like new music and prefer listening to Lynard Skynard on your stylish Sylvania Eight-Track. The song is as catchy as it is raunchy/funny. Once you hear it, it sticks in you head, but please don’t sing the lyrics out loud at work – you might get a sexual harassment warning.

2. Current CD in My Car – This is tricky because I have a 6-cd changer. But, the one I’ve been listening to the most is “Senior Smoke” by Electric Six. These guys do an interesting weave of heavy metal and disco, and successfully accomplish the meshing of said genres. The lyrics are often times funny, but sometimes very cryptic. The guitar riffs seem familiar but add their own unique qualities. The rhythms are without a doubt toe-tappingly good. I highly recommend them.

3. Latest Movie I’ve Seen – Scary Movie 4 (I guess that is no shock if you know anything about my taste in movies). While not nearly as innovative and funny as previous Zucker brother movies like Airplane, Top Secret, and Naked Gun, it still is a very solid movie. The movie does a decent job of spoofing such movies as Brokeback Mountain, The Village, The War of the Worlds, and Million Dollar Baby, while also taking funny cracks at our President and the armed forces in a tasteful (un-Wayans-like) manner.

4. Favorite New Drink – Since we are rapidly approaching summer, it might be time to add something a little sweet (no, not me) to the drink menu. Sue and I went to A.C. a few weekends ago, and when we asked for a suggestion of something to drink from the bartender at the Martini Bar in Bally’s, he said that the hot-new martini (no, I’m not gay) is the watermelon martini. He was even nice enough to give us the recipe – now you can make this as strong or weak as you want. He said to use Grey Goose vodka, Watermelon Pucker (you can find this at the liquor store), and a dash of Southern comfort. We made a few at home, and they were delicious.

5. Favorite New Restaurant – Now, I’d prefer to use a different one than one of the chains, but we haven’t gone out to too many in the recent past. We took my parents out to one about a month or two ago, and I gotta tell ya, it was really pretty good. The restaurant is Charlie Brown’s, and the closest one to me is in Springfield. The prices are very reasonable, and the cuts of steak (at least my cut of steak) was really good. Plus, they have a great salad bar, and drink specials every Thursday. I’m not saying this is the quality of a “top-of-the-line” steak restaurant, but for the price, it is very, very good.

Thoughts, Thoughts, and More Thoughts

I don’t know why these things have crossed my mind, but I figured I’d share them with you all, and wait eagerly for you input (that sounds very pornographic – so never-mind).

1. You know how when you are swimming and open your eyes under water and everything is blurry? Well, I was wondering if the opposite happens for fish. If you take them out of the water, will their vision get blurred by air? Or, is their vision blurred in the water as well? (I know, whoa, Ogre, that’s heavy)

2. What exactly is the difference between tonic water and club soda? I don’t drink many mixed drinks with either of these in it so that is why I’m asking. Also, what is the difference between birch beer and root beer? I am not a connoisseur of either of these, but for some reason, I think they taste the same (or at least very similar).

3. For some reason, I was thinking about Elizabeth Perkins the other day, and I realized that she must’ve had one of the best agents in the world, because somehow, she got leads in movies, and she is really not that attractive of a lady. Any other actors or actresses that should be paying their agents double?

4. Can Jay Glazer be taken seriously as an NFL analyst if he is also an announcer for PRIDE fighting? To me, this is sort of like Merlin Olsen doing commercials for Teleflora – I mean, how can we look at him as a former NFL tough-guy AND analyst when he is trying to shove flowers up our asses?

5. So, I hear that David Lee Roth is getting canned by FREE-FM. Now, I am about as surprised by this as I am by the way the Phillies are playing right now (hey-yo). But, here is the surprise – rumor has it that CBS-Radio is replacing Roth with Opie and Anthony … that’s right, the same duo that got kicked off the air for playing sex in a church on the airwaves (they will still do their show on XM, but 3 hours of the 5-hour show will be broadcast on CBS-Radio). So, let me get this straight – CBS basically forces Howard Stern off the airwaves by strictly enforcing FCC guidelines, instead of fighting the FCC. Then, they replace Stern with the much less edgy Roth (who would’ve thought that would ever be said about Roth) for 3 ½ months, basically to appease the FCC. THEN, when their stock goes into the toilet, they replace Roth with the much more controversial Opie and Anthony. What does this say about CBS-Radio, other than they have no idea what they have done, nor do they have any idea what they continue to do? I don’t hate Opie and Anthony – I listened to them a bit when they were on afternoon drive a few years ago. Sure, they were childish, immature, and repeatedly crossed the lines of decency and good taste – I have no problems with this as long as it is funny. But, how can CBS justify this move? Why exactly did they get rid of Stern again (I know, Stern basically quit, but CBS forced him out)? How can XM allow this to happen? Are they getting money for this? Will the show get watered down? Will this work? Will CBS actually put up a fight with the FCC when the FCC threatens them with fines? Does anybody care?

How I Ruined Easter

Like I had said in the previous post, one of the traditions of Easter is having ham for dinner. However, this is no longer necessarily the case with the Griebs (at least at the Grieb’s house that I am invited to for Easter). The following is, for the most part, a true story on how I was able to change this disgusting tradition.

When I was around 10 or 11, I was more-or-less a normal kid, in that I loved playing sports, thought girls had Kuties, thought fart jokes were hysterically funny. You know, the usual kiddie things. However, one thing that was different about me (besides the fact that I had chafe marks from wearing ‘Lederhosen’) was that I had an aversion to ham (see last post). Most of my relatives knew this very well.

I want to preface this story by saying that I know that I’m in a very small minority, as most people of Christian faith absolutely love ham. I don’t look down on these “common-folk,” but I do feel a bond to others who admit to hating ham. It is not an easy thing to do. Back to the story.

It was my Uncle Richard’s turn to host the Grieb Easter dinner (In our family, we had rotating holiday-hosting. It can be very confusing). He and his wife decided to go the traditional route of cooking ham for Easter dinner, even though they knew very well that I would not eat ham, even if my life depended on it (alright, maybe if my life depended on it, I would bite the bullet, but anything short of that, and …well, you’ll see).

You can imagine my disappointment when I found out the situation. I was (and probably still am) a very stubborn person. I think my mom knew immediately that I would not be easy to deal with at this point. No “arrangements” were made for me, which compounded the situation. Now by arrangements, let me give you some examples:

***If you are inviting Los to your house for a dinner, and you are planning on having ham, please do one of the following:

1. Make sure that there is another meat that you are cooking. Some of my family members have gone to this extreme by cooking a turkey and a ham, or something like that. This is not an easy thing to do, but it is always appreciated.
2. Have an alternative ready for Los, whether it is a t.v. dinner, or a turkey hoagie.
3. Inform Los that he needs to bring something with him. It is no problem for Los to stop at McDonalds prior.
4. Don’t invite Los. You may save yourself a headache.

Once again, back to the story. When dinner-time rolled around, I was so incensed with being ignored (that’s the way I felt – because they had ham, it made me feel like I was being ignored. I know … it must be a sickness). So, my mom handed me a plate, and I said that I wasn’t interested in eating. My mom, god bless her soul, said that I needed to eat something. She started going down the list of items on the table: Corn – no!, Potatoes – no!, Sauerkraut – no!, Broccoli – no! Finally, after my mom was thoroughly annoyed by my no answers, she said the now famous words, “Fine. Then, have a bowl of ketchup.”

Normal kids would’ve probably just shrugged that off, and had some corn. Not me. I decided to take my mom up on her offer to see who would blink first. I poured myself a bowl of Heinz, and ate it … the entire bowl … just ketchup. Here is what I discovered. Ketchup does not fill you up, not even a bowl of it. But, I was determined. I did not eat another thing the entire time over there. Wow, what an impression I must’ve given to the rest of my relatives.
Here’s the thing, though. It worked. There is never just ham on the menu at family gatherings because of me. The more depressing thing is that at some gatherings, like this past Easter Sunday, there was no ham on the menu at all (at my mom’s house). I feel bad about this, because my wife and a few family members REALLY love ham. But, I don’t feel that bad because my tummy is full.

Easter Tradition - No Ham Please!

There are many traditional things to take part in when it comes to Easter – painting eggs, going to church, spending time with family … heck, most normal families even have ham for dinner … but not my family … well, at least not since I’ve been around. You see, I have what some people call an aversion to the portly product. Truthfully, I think my “aversion” to ham can be more closely described as a downright obsession in its disgustingness (is that even a word)?

How did this all begin, and how far has it gone? I’m glad you asked (and if you didn’t ask, go play in traffic). As a young child, I remember going over to my Uncle Richard’s house, and he had a carved ham on the kitchen table, beckoning me to sample. I obliged, eating somewhere in the neighborhood of 4-6 slices of the curiously pink meat. Later on that night whilst lying in bed, my stomach decided that it did not want to digest all of that ham, and proceeded to prompt me to puke … all over my bed. Needless to say, Inga wasn’t too pleased with her son.

Unfortunately, this type of thing happened on two other occasions when ham was on the menu, which finally caused me to nix any ingestion whatsoever of cooked ham. To put this into perspective, I would much more readily eat Liverwurst and onions, topped with chocolate sauce and warm milk – while watching a marathon of Yes Dear, than I would ham.

Now, here are the boundaries, and I’m not sure why these boundaries are where they are, but they just are. First, I like just about any other pork product (sans pigs feet, because that is just gross). These products include hot dogs, bacon, and pork. However, Canadian bacon would make me gag more than Paris Hilton on a good night. I’m not a big fan of Italian hoagies, but I will eat them if (A) the rolls are really good, (B) if there is enough mayonnaise and lettuce to muffle the taste of the lunchmeat ham, and (C) if beer is involved. But, I’d really rather have a turkey hoagie, roast beef hoagie, or even a chicken salad or tuna hoagie for that matter (in case you are planning to have me over for some sort of hoagie party …. Not that kind of a hoagie party, you perverts).

But it is a little more far reaching than that. I love turkey, BUT if the lunchmeat turkey is considerably pinkish (yes, some lunchmeat turkey looks like this), there is a good chance that I won’t eat this. I’m not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me or not, but I swear the taste of that stuff resembles ham.

I know, my mind doesn’t always work correctly. But as some of you know, I am deftly afraid of puking. In the past, burgers and pizza have been off my list of foods to eat, because I puked after eating them … However, they worked their way back onto the lineup after a while (it took pizza about 3-4 years and burgers about 1 year).

There are other foods I’m not necessarily fond of. I don’t really like baked potatoes or any cooked potato product (dumplings, home fries, etc.), but I do love French fries (not crazy about steak fries, though) and potato chips. I don’t really like peas and beans, either – I think it is a texture thing (so if you make chili for me, go easy on the beans). I’m not crazy about pasta with lots of cheese (so I have difficulty at Italian restaurants). Other than that, I’m pretty good (I know, I have a lot of “normal” foods that I don’t like – it is the product of growing up in a household where food experimentation wasn’t really practiced).

On Tuesday/Wednesday, I’ll have part 2 of the ham story – the part about how I was able to manipulate our entire family. BTW, pass along some foods you don’t like.