Seriously, enough of the snow already!!!!
1. On a California mayor wanting to broadcast bird songs:
"It makes sense, since he's a bird-brain."
2. On plans to build a biblical theme park complete with Noah’s ark in northern Kentucky being met with protest:
"The protest leader goes by the name of Sam Beelzebubba."
3. On the Geezer Bandit striking again, robbing his 13th bank in California:
"People have not been able to identify or catch his getaway wheelchair."
4. On 200,000,000,000,000 (two hundred trillion) text messages being received in America every single day:
"No word on how many of those are fetish inquiries from Rex Ryan ..."
5. On a report that adults who make love first thing in the morning apparently not only feel more upbeat for the rest of the day, but also benefit from a stronger immune system:
"I need to be involved with studies like this!"