Stoppage Time

What About Philly?
I was listening to a song by the Living Things this morning called “Bom-Bom-Bom.” It is a very cool song, but one thing really bothers me about it. Now, it’s not anything about the music, the band, or the singer. No, my beef is really a stupid one. During one part of the song, the lyrics go, “I said: No NYC, Los Angeles … No Saint Louis … no New Orleans.” I was miffed by these lyrics, because they did not include “Philly” in them. Why does this bother me so much? I’m sure nobody else cares that “Detroit,” or “Akron” wasn’t mentioned in the song, so why does it affect me so much? Is it because of the lack of sports championships that makes me feel this way? Maybe it’s because New York is like Philly’s big brother, getting all the accolades and acclaim, while Philly gets pushed into the background (sitting at the “little-city’s” table during holiday dinners). Maybe it’s me – maybe I’ve sniffed too much glue in the past, that trivial things like this bother me. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this?

Another Thing That Annoys Me for Inexplicable Reasons:
Let me first apologize to friends and family who read this blog and have done this in the past – the best part about living in this country is that we can all basically decide on our own what is cool and what is not cool. One thing that I really find uncool is when fathers name their kids after themselves (such as John, John, Jr. and so on). Seriously, do you really have that big of an ego that you have to eliminate your son’s individuality by naming him the same name as you? You know, you could’ve just have given that honor to his middle name, you pompous egotistical jerks. Please, spare me the reasoning, I don’t want to hear it. Why don’t you just go name that tree in your front yard after yourself, and be done with it … phew, I feel better.

Seriously, You Pedestrians are Really Starting to Get on my Nerves:
Look, I have no problems with normal pedestrians – you know, the ones that follow the rules – cross when the light is green, walking a little more briskly across certain crosswalks – that sort of thing. But you other ones, the ones that think that the world is named after them, the ones who pretend that cars don’t even exist – you guys are assholes, and I debated about using that term because I know it gives assholes a bad name. C’mon, humor me – why not just place a mattress in the middle of the busy intersection and take a nap. You do realize that a lot of the traffic problems that you complain about on a regular basis are because of your ignorant slow ass that takes his/her time to cross the street, don’t you? Or are you oblivious to everything? Wow, now I REALLY feel better.

“Song I Can’t Seem To Stop Playing” of the Week:
Bones by the Killers. I bought their new cd, Sam’s Place this week, and while I’ll probably need to give it a few spins before I can give a fair assessment of it, I just can’t seem to stop playing the song Bones. It’s definitely more bubble-gum poppy, but the horns in the main chorus are so addicting – just this morning I listened to the song five times in a row. Download this from I-Tunes immediately.


Best Bargain of the Week:
I bought a 5+ whole beef tenderloin at $3.99 a pound, and the butcher even cut it for free! I’m not sure why I’m so happy about this. I can’t talk enough about great deals, especially when I partake in them. I’m such a grocery shopping whore.

Stupid Los Joke of the Week:
“That’s odd.” “Like the number three?” Ink said the first comment during one of our conversations (all of our conversations are odd), so I had to add the zinger in, because that’s just the way I am.

“The Quote That Basically Sums it all Up” of the Week:
“There’s good things about it, and there’s bad things about it. I choose to see the bad things about it today.” Ink, obviously in a bad mood.

“That’s What She Said” Quote of the Week:“
You have to keep your manhood in there.” If you read this, you probably are thinking to yourself, there is no way that the person who uttered this wasn’t talking about sex … Well, actually, B really wasn’t talking about “bumpin’ uglies” when he came up with this knee-slapper.

Los and Smoke, Episode 3

This is the podcast that accompanies the blog from earlier in the week. A lot of things get "revealed." Enjoy!


Click here to get your own player.

Not Such a Hot Idea ...

After learning how stupid I can be by reading the previous post, you are all probably wondering what other stupid things I’ve done in my life. Thankfully, for you, there are many, many stories I can share with you, and perhaps I’ll continue to share them from time to time (if you’re good). This particular story that I’m about to share should give you a better understanding about my “stupid boundaries,” and whether or not they exist.

Two years ago, my brother had an Independence Day barbecue/party at his house. As luck would have it, he had an ample supply of beer and Jagermeister handy, and I, being a proper guest, indulged in both of these. So, by the time the sun went down, and fireworks were being shot off, I was inebriated enough to partake in the festivities. Fortunately, my brother only had sparklers available, so that major travesties could be avoided.

Unfortunately, my brother, probably against better judgment, handed me a lit sparkler. Now, I’m not sure if it was because of “liquid courage,” or just plain alcoholic stupidity, I came to a most regrettable decision in which I was going to attempt to put out the sparkler with my fingers. Again, I’m not sure how I came up with this brilliant idea … in fact, I’m not even sure if I was thinking at all by this point.

To make sure that no harm would be done, I licked said fingers. This should more than protect me against the molten sparkler, I surmised. Predictably, I burnt a hole in my thumb, but the alcohol had done a nice job of numbing the pain (and intelligence). Apparently, the inebriation prevented me from reasoning with myself – when sober, I know that molten metal can approach temperatures of 2500 degrees, but when intoxicated, I believe that mucous can protect skin from these high temperatures.

My big hope anytime I do something this moronic is that I have taught people valuable life-lessons, and I truly hope this has helped you out as well. No need to thank me.

How Did You Find Those????

An interesting weekend all-around, but not because of all the household chores that we did this weekend. I won’t bore you with the details about how we power-washed and stained our deck, because this will either (A) put you to sleep, or (B) force you never to come to this blog site again. By the way, I absolutely HATE lattice now, because staining lattice is about as much fun as going to a Catholic wedding.

What made it interesting was that in cleaning the house, my wife happened to find some naked pictures of an ex-girlfriend that I had totally forgotten about. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you, this is probably something you don’t want to have happen to you.

A normal (crazy) woman probably would’ve freaked out more than Jennifer Aniston did when she found out that her husband was dumping her for Angelina Jolie. Thankfully, my wife is generally a level-headed person, and even though she was slightly miffed at me for this, she found it more humorous than anything else. In fact, she wants to “discuss” this incident on our next podcast (shameless self-promotion).

Obviously, this podcast should be very intriguing, as my wife won’t discuss with me exactly what she is going to say about this “experience.” In my defense, I totally forgot I still even had these pictures – it’s probably been close to 10 years since I last saw them. They were taken (by me) when I was in college, more as a joke than anything else. Certainly, there was never an intention to have my wife find these.

My question to all of you is this. Have you ever either photographed/videotaped your girlfriend/boyfriend naked, OR have you ever had this done to you? Don’t worry, if you are embarrassed, you don’t have to reveal this. I just thought it would be an interesting topic of discussion. If you did do this, have the pictures been destroyed?

Stoppage Time

Who Would You Choose?

I wanted to open up an ongoing “discussion” my friends and I have had to you, the blogging community, to get your opinions on this most important topic. I’m sure you’ve probably heard of this before, and possibly even argued about it as well. If you were to put together the perfect 5-piece rock and roll band (1 drummer, 1 bass player, 1 rhythm guitarist, one lead guitarist, and one lead singer), who would you choose? Here are my choices:

Drummer – This is a tough one, but I would choose Neil Peart from Rush. His skills are undeniable, he keeps a flawless beat, and nails the intensity of every song.

Base – John Entwhistle, recently departed bass player of the Who, has always amazed me with the way he handled the bass. Probably the coolest he ever sounded was in the song “Can You See the Real Me,” damn near sounded like some souped up hot-rod.

Rhythym Guitarist – You may say that I am being partial with this choice, an my replay would be “Fuck you, it’s my list.” Keith Richards may be more known for his riffs, but he is underrated for his rhythm guitar work. Truthfully, when Keef and Ronnie play together they weave effortlessly between rhythm and lead.

Lead Guitarist – Ugh, probably the most argued about one of them all. Just because of his bluesy style, I would probably choose Eric Clapton. I’m not the biggest Clapton fan, but I can appreciate the way he wields the axe, and he would add soul to just about any good rock song.

Lead Singer – Hands down, it has to be Mick Jagger. He is the innovator. All other front-men try to be him. David Lee Roth? Steven Tyler? All tools when compared with Sir Mick. Sure, some people may say his vocal range is limited, but to them, I again say, “Fuck you, it’s my list.”


Best Quote of the Week:“I feel dumber today than I ever have.” This quote was spoken by B in a moment of … well, I’m not sure how to describe it. All I know is that it made me laugh.

“That’s What She Said” Quote of the Week:
“I thought it was bigger than that.” Again, B comes up with this guffaw whilst talking about my fish tank.

“Is That What They’re Calling It These Days” Comment of the Week:
“I think I’m going blind from looking at my monitor too much.” Thanks for this one, Reverse!

Phrase that Would be a Cool Band Name of the Week:Small Term Germ

Made up Word of the Week:Baven – This is a melding of the words Babe and Haven. I described the Target Greatland near where I work as this.

Zinger Directed at Los of the Week:“Los, the toilet store is out of you.” – Ink and Stone
“But, I’m not a toilet.” - Los
“Yeah, but you are full of shit.” – Ink and Stone

Los and Smoke, Episode 2

We have just finished our second podcast - it has references to Heino, William Shattner, and even the guy from Die Hard. Give it a chance. Who knows, you might even like it.


Click here to get your own player.

President Oprah???

My wife was watching one of those Hollywood “insider” shows last night, and a question was posed on whether or not Oprah Winfrey would make a great President. I’m guessing that the well has run dry on Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson stories, and this is the best they could come up with. I’m not even sure what prompted the question to be asked, and I’m hoping that she is not serious in running for President.

I know these Hollywood entertainment shows are a bunch of crap, but I really wonder how they come up with these “ideas.” Can you imagine a boardroom with writers who “brainstorm” for these “thought-provoking” topics? Did it come down to Oprah and Corky from Life Goes On?

It’s not that I have anything against a woman becoming President, because I don’t. But to think that Oprah would make a great leader of this country is about as good of an idea as having Jerry Springer run this great land (which, by the way, is not a great idea). I don’t know where Oprah stands politically, but I have unfortunately seen some of her shows – something I do not normally make a habit of doing (I swear). Sure, she is well spoken. Yes, she is very popular amongst a segment of our population. But, she is a TALK SHOW HOST. She has no background in politics. Most importantly, she thinks her show is ABOVE all other talk shows, when in reality, there is no difference.

She has benefited greatly from her reputation, and media power. For example, nobody seems to have a problem when she talks about penises and one-night stands. However, when somebody else does (Howard Stern, for example), there is a major uproar about this. Is this fair? In my opinion, no.

Additionally, I get really annoyed by her “reading club,” and not because I don’t believe reading is a good idea – because I think it is vitally important (hey, if you couldn’t read, you wouldn’t be enjoying or not enjoying this blog). I just question how an author gets on her “exclusive” list. I’m pretty sure that she has a vested interest in this (financially).

More importantly, could you imagine Doctor Phil being vice president? Neither can I. The only good thing that could possibly come out of this is that Saturday Night Live might finally be able to succeed again.

My Weekend

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to move four cubic yards of dirt? Neither have I, but I got to “experience” it this weekend. A friend of mine needed help filling in his old Koi pond, and since I’m a really nice guy, I agreed to provide my services … AT 8:00 A.M.! I figured it would be an hour of moving a small pile of dirt, but didn’t realize that this pond was an 800-gallon pond! The good news is that I’ve discovered some muscles I never knew I had. Also, the sharp pain that continues to throb this fine morning served as an excellent alarm clock for me.

Thanks to that three hour workout, my body was willing and able to accept large quantities of beer, which I fully indulged in, hoping to numb the pain. Unfortunately, the physical pain was then mixed with emotional pain, as the Nittany Lions came up short, and the Irish unfortunately came back to win (was that Andy Reid coaching the Michigan State team?). But, at the very least, the Phillies swept the Marlins this weekend, and are somehow in the driver’s seat for the wild-card. Don’t worry, I’m only cautiously optimistic, because, after all, this is Philadelphia, and our sports teams take great pride in finding new ways to break our hearts.

One recurrent story that I saw this entire weekend was the lead-up to the first NFL game in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina ravaged the area a little over a year ago. I’m shocked that many people are complaining that this game is going to take attention away to the areas in and around the city that still are disaster areas. My take on it is this – sometimes sports is a good cure-all, and in this case, it absolutely is. The city needs some positive story, maybe even a distraction. Not that this is anything like 9/11, but remember how comforting it was when sports was back on television?

By the way, some of these commercials during the football games are god-awful. I’m shocked that companies are paying large sums of money to advertisers who produce worse work than a Kevin Federline song. Those Pepsi commercials with the Pepsi Machine going up against Reggie Bush make me want to jam an ice-pick in my ear.

Speaking of commercials (sorry I’m jumping around so much), there is one out that talks about the phone companies who are not letting other companies compete against them. The commercial basically calls them a Bell monopoly (for those of you who don’t know, in the U.S., there was a telephone company called Bell that was basically the only phone company around. The U.S. government broke the company up, and they splintered into several smaller companies). Anyway, there is nothing wrong with the commercial, EXCEPT that it was done by a group of cable companies. These guys have better sweet-heart deals than the phone companies do. This commercial really makes my blood boil. Sorry, I had to rant. Anyway, enjoy your Monday.

Stoppage Time

I have other things to blog about, but there have been so many “best of” moments this week, I’ll wait until next week. Enjoy (I hope!).

Stupid Comment of the Week:“I’m so bright, I gotta wear shades.” Ink blurted this one out after I said the classic – I’m so bright, my dad calls me son (sun). I’m guessing Ink combined a couple of sayings together and came up with this one.

Best Band Name of the Week:Smashed Potatoes – Just to let you know, I have no idea if this is a real band name, but as we were coming back from lunch today, somebody uttered this, and I immediately said that this would be a great band name (I do this far too often – people laughed when I thought Space Base would be a cool band name – I think it’s just as cool as Weezer).

Stupid Joke of the Week:“Trout fishing requires patience.” “So do doctors.” – Ink was on a rampage this week, making the list a second time with this hum-dinger, after I was talking about trout fishing.

That’s What She Said Quote of the Week:“It takes a few minutes to get to the meat of the little box.” – -B- came up with this masterpiece when describing the video about the new I-TV from Apple.

Weirdest Question I was Asked This Week:“So Los, are you up on your Gary Neumann trivia?” - -B- asked me this doozy when we were listening to some 80’s new wave music. I’m still trying to figure out the best response the question he posed …

Most Outrageous Conversation of the Week:“The clocks wouldn’t be in sync.” – Joe
“Why would the clocks be in the sink to begin with?” – Los
“At least his jokes are clean.” – Ink
“Your jokes always drain me.” - Los
“I guess it’s all just a pipe dream.” – Los
“Your jokes get me all stopped up.” – Ink

Obviously, we went off on a tangent with this conversation, because (A) we get bored at work, and (B) because we aren’t normal.

Made-Up Word of the Week:Elicktickle Machine – I’m not sure what –B- meant by this, but it sound sounds like a workout machine that would be very popular to females.

Podcast? Yes, it's true!

Hey guys and gals,

Not sure if you are interested (you better be), but Rev. Smokin' and I decided to start a podcast - you will actually be able to listen to us (save your enthusiasm for the podcast, please):


Click here to get your own player.



The home page of the Los and Smoke podcast is http://losandsmoke.podomatic.com/

Blah-Ta-To

After Monday’s political-style posting, I thought it might be best to do a more light-hearted blog entry. Many of you know that I have some weird tastes when it comes to food – like despising the taste of ham, even though I like bacon and pork (but not Canadian bacon, because that tastes too much like ham). I figured I’d throw another one of my weird nuances at you.

Being a descendant of Germans (both parents are German), one would probably surmise (big word, yeah me!) that I would love all things German. I mean, I love beer, all kinds of beer for that matter. No doubt that Bratwurst, Wiener Schnitzel, and Sauerbraten are at the top of my list of favorite. Heck, I even have a Heino box set (look him up), AND have worn Lederhosen.

However, for one reason or another, I’m not a huge fan of potatoes. Sure, I love potato chips, and the stringy French fries, but other forms of potatoes are not my thing. I’m not sure if it is the texture that I don’t like, or maybe the bland taste, but if I had a choice, I’d much rather have noodles over potatoes.

I’ve begun eating more baked potatoes in recent years (probably thanks to my wife), but to be honest, I need to add lots of butter in order to make them taste good. My mom apparently makes a killer German potato salad that everyone raves about, but even though it is chocked full of bacon, I still find it gross. German dumplings are supposed to be out of this world, but it’s hard for me to stomach even half of a dumpling.

At one time, I loved mashed potatoes. For some reason, my mom stopped making them for a few years. When she started up with them again, I lost my taste for them. It was like when the producers of the Dukes of Hazzard replaced Bo and Luke with cousins (because of a contract dispute). When Bo and Luke finally made their return, nobody really cared. That’s the way it was with me. I got so hooked on noodles, specifically elbow macaronis, that I could no longer imagine having anything else with my mom’s dinners (usually some sort of meat with gravy).

Man, I wish I liked potatoes – everybody loves them. There are so many recipes for food that include potatoes, it would be great to not be limited by this. Heck, I even eat around potatoes when they are included in soup. I get upset with diners that only offer hash-browns as a side (as I’ve blogged before, I wish they would give more options, darn-it!). Why, why, why??? I like weird foods like Liverwurst and pickled Herring – why can’t I “trade” the liking of one of these foods with the liking of potatoes? It would make life so much simpler.

Two things about this post. First, I told you it would be light-hearted. Second, any of you guys hate a food that most people like? (BTW – I have a friend who absolutely HATES ketchup – I thought that was weird, but who am I to talk?)

Peacful Religion?

So, our new Pope decided to finally “make a splash” with one of his speeches last week, and it ended up sending a major ripple through the Muslim world. Basically, the Pope read a quote from a previous Pope from about 800 years ago, in which that Pope said something to the effect of Muhammed wanted to spread his religion by sword. Now, I just want to preface this whole blog by saying I normally try to avoid the political and the religious, because, frankly, you guys probably get enough of this through the newspaper, television, and other places.

However, this latest “incident” and the “repercussions” vex me. First, what Benedict said was about as smart as Andy Reid’s fourth quarter play calling. I’m not sure his motives, but he basically decided to dig at a wound that just never seems to heal.

That being said, I’m really starting to get tired of these extremists in this so called “peaceful” Muslim religion. What better way to disprove the Pope’s claims that you aren’t a peaceful religion than by killing a nun and starting riots all over the world? Unfortunately, because of these few (I sincerely hope it is only a few) senile, misguided, warped-minded extremist leaders and followers, the way I view the Muslim religion as a whole is probably flawed. BUT, it seems that the rest of the Muslims are in no great hurry to do anything about restoring the integrity of this religion, and therein lies the problem.

I often hear that many Muslims are upset because of the racial profiling that is going on in this country (and probably all over the world at this point). Well, why don’t you do something positive about it, like maybe do more than say “boy, those extremists are terrible.” Stand up against these extremists – show the rest of the world that you mean business, and you are ready to clean up your act. Once you do this, maybe you’ll get more respect. Just an opinion – you are free to disagree with this all you want.

The shame of it is that outside of a few Muslim leaders publicly shaming the extremists after 9/11, I never saw any outrage, nor any moves by the Muslim majority to separate themselves from these psychopaths. I’m sure there were some things done that I never heard of, but I expect more, and everyone should demand more.

About a year ago, a French guy did a comic depicting Muhammed with a bomb on his head – basically showing that the Muslim religion has become very violent. Again, what did they do to “prove” the French guy wrong? Yep, you guessed it. They rioted, and threatened his life. “If you don’t believe I’m peaceful, I’ll convince you by terminating you.” Is this your message to the entire world? If so, nobody will ever respect you.

Stoppage Time

It’s Time to Light the Lights
I’m not really sure how this topic of conversation came up, but we got to talkin’ about the Muppets, and how great of a show the Muppet Show was back in the day, and I asked the question, “Which one was your favorite Muppet?” I have always been partial to the Swedish Chef, just because he had real human hands … and because you had to pay really close attention to understand him.

However, I also loved the news guy who always cut in with a Muppet News Flash. I’m not sure he had a name, and it really didn’t matter, because his bits were so short, yet hysterical. He would report on some wild story like “anvils falling from the sky.” Inevitably, he would be hit with an anvil. Just good times all around.

I also liked the Muppet that would throw around the boomerang fish. You can’t tell me that Jim Henson wasn’t stoned when he came up with that beauty! There’s just no way. I also liked the guy that would always light off bombs on the Muppets, but I’m guessing that this wouldn’t fly anymore with the state of political correctness (super saturation) in this country.

In case you are interested, there is a website that has a list of the Muppet characters – www.kermitage.com (you are welcome).


What Kind of a Fan Are You?Another topic of conversation came up this past week at work, regarding being a sports fan. Specifically, we argued whether or not a person who continuously changes favorite teams is a real sports fans. Nothing burns me up more than seeing these “fo-fans” in Philly with Cowboys jackets or Yankees baseball caps. Follow the home team, jackass – that’s what being a real fan is. Sure, you can follow a player on another team (kind of like being a fan of Michael Jordan in the 1980’s and 1990’s), but I better not hear you refer to the Bulls as “we” if you live in Philly.

Those people who are currently White Sox, Spurs, Steelers, and Notre Dame fans, even though they have no apparent affiliation with the teams (not living or being from that area, going to school there, etc.), get under my skin. These people are basically the same as the Brittany Spears, N-SYNC, and Backstreet Boys fans of a few years ago (who are now J.T. fans) – you are all posers, and I don’t like you even a little bit. You are a tool.


That’s What She Said Quote of the Week:
(Again, more than one of these this week):
· “You might want to pull that one back out.” I forget what we were talking about, or what context this was used in, but I jotted it down, and found it funny.
· “I’m afraid of the meat-stick.” This was “B” talking about the whole Greek food and Gyro situation.
· “I’m holding out for the 21-incher.” Reverse said this when we were in Costco, looking at computer monitors.


Made-Up Word of the Week:
Samiliar – “B” came up with this one on our way to Chik Fil-A on Thursday. He was trying to say familiar and similar at the same time. I think it could work!


Stupid Joke of the Week:“The Eagles are in first place in their division. But, are they good at multiplication?” Ink came up with this one – I’m guessing he was trying to sound like me (I think he succeeded).

Song I Can't Get Out of My Head of the Week:
I Buy the Drugs, by Electric Six - All I can say is this song is absolutely addicting. It might not be that way the first time you hear it, but play it a few times, and you might have trouble going to sleep at night, because the chorus continuously plays in your head (or at least that's what it did to me).

Dipping Sauce?

As some of you may know by now, I often get into really pointless and stupid conversations with friends about meaningless subjects. Thankfully, this past Sunday was no exception. Smokin’ and I were at a local bar watching the Eagles game, when we somehow got onto the topic of dipping sauces. I’m not even sure what led us to this topic, but we dove into a heated discussion on what exactly constitutes a dipping sauce. And, I’m not totally sure we came up with a definitive conclusion, so any help that you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

One of our major sticking points is whether ketchup should be considered a dipping sauce. Smokin’ claimed that it was obviously one because one can dip French fries or onion rings in it. My argument was that it was more of a topping than a dipping sauce, because you can put it on hamburgers, hot dogs, and even eggs (ewww.). Additionally, one can dip French fries in a pool of vomit, but I wouldn’t consider a pool of vomit a dipping sauce.

We got a little deeper into the nuts and bolts of dipping sauces. To me, ketchup on its own, is not a dipping sauce. However, if you add cocktail sauce or horseradish (also not a dipping sauce in my opinion) to it, I believe it then becomes a dipping sauce. Another example would be mustard – not a dipping sauce in my opinion. Honey is also not a dipping sauce (although, it is a great tea flavoring). Mix the two together and it becomes honey-mustard sauce – a sauce fantastic for dipping chicken fingers in.

But, where does this leave barbecue sauce. It is an excellent flavoring for foods one can grill (chicken, ribs, and even steak for that matter). However, go to any fast-food restaurant, and you can order this as a dipping sauce. Can this truly be considered a dipping sauce, though? I’m not sure. This is why I need your help.

I think it is very important that we can (together) come up with a list of conditions or rules in order for something to be considered a dipping sauce. I am willing to listen to all suggestions, no matter how “out of the box” they are.

Oh, and yes, I know – I really do need to discuss more important things in life (but hey, if we can spend months and months waiting for a picture of Tom Cruise’s baby, why can’t we discuss topics like “what constitutes a dipping sauce?”).

5

Has it been five years already? The internal scars sometimes still feel fresh. Everybody remembers where they were when it happened – the day this country lost its innocence (or at least the people outside of politics). September 11 – we remember it like we remember birthdays, wedding anniversaries, phone numbers … but we obviously for different reasons.

Hunched over my desk at my previous job, just getting ready to start my day, Debba, a coworker, received a phone call from our boss, saying he would be in a little later – a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. Immediately, I checked cnn.com, and began following what I thought was purely an accident. “This had to be a small plane, that lost control,” is what I shrugged it off as. Then, the second one hit. We were under attack. After a few minutes, I could no longer get to cnn.com to follow the situation – too much traffic at that website.

A few coworkers and I searched for a television that had an external cable-hookup – most of the tv’s on campus were strictly part of the school’s internal programming. We made our way to another building that had cable access, and sat down on the couch in the lounge, increasingly shocked as the details were fed to us. I was too numb to cry, I just sat there, watching the towers burn right before my eyes. Could this really be happening? My go, the Pentagon was just hit! What next?

I felt a sense of helplessness seep into me. What can I do? I must be strong for the students. I remember leaning over to Debba and saying, “These buildings are going to fall.” She looked at me in disbelief. How else could this end? Surely, they can’t put the fires out that high up, can they? The buildings crumbled – I still couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

The call came in – it would be best if we sent the students home and close-down the campus – not that our campus would be a target, but one never knows. As part of the PR staff, I helped prepare for the imminent phone calls from local media. A professor on the campus was very knowledgeable on the Middle East, and some of the history of these radical groups.

On my way home, I began noticing no, through the haze that had formed inside my head, the complete silence – no planes, hardly any cars. Would life change? I remember finally getting in touch with my girlfriend (who is now my wife) after hours of fruitless attempts – the phone lines and cell lines had been clogged. Even though she was working in Philly, I wanted to make sure she was o.k. She was shaken, like I was. I drove downtown to see her that night, and we hung out at a local bar on South Street, trying to ingest all of the news coming through the TV screens. It felt like the longest day in my life.

I had never been through anything like this in my life. I heard stories about Pearl Harbor and the Kennedy assassination – but never imagined my generation having to endure this. I read and watched the turmoil happening in other countries, blindly believing that this could never happen to the mighty U.S. of A. It was an awakening I didn’t want to have.

I always try looking for the bright side of any situation – and found one at the time. Our country began to unite. Everybody was on the same page – and everybody was ready to move forward together. I don’t remember our country ever being that synchronized. I wish that part of it would’ve lasted. I fear some lessons we learned have been forgotten. I fear that we are no longer on the same page, not even the same book. Many people out there will point fingers, but it is not (nor has it ever) about pointing fingers, it is about moving forward … together.

My prayers go out to people who lost loved ones in this tragic day in our country’s history, and my hope goes out that their lives were not sacrificed in vane.

(don’t worry, I’ll be funny again later in the week).

Stoppage Time

“We need some more fat and happy rappers.”
This gem of a quote was uttered by a coworker of mine as we were listening to Chubb Rock’s “Treat ‘em Right.” We got to talking, and brought up a bunch of great “retro” rap songs, going back to the 80’s and early 90’s. Remember when rap music was fun? Now, it’s all about carrying the biggest guns, screwing the most biotches, and killing the most “hatas.” Wouldn’t it be great to go back to “Doo-Doo Brown,” and “Gas Face?”

That’s What She Said Quote of the Week:
We actually have a tie this week – yes, much like Michael Scott, we (probably I) use this term far too often. In fact, we don’t really even say the phrase anymore – we kind of hum to the tune of “That’s What She Said.”
* “I usually go for the wide ones.” I forget what we were talking about when “B” said this, but we immediately lost it.
* “I guess I’m allowed to touch it, but I shouldn’t lick my fingers afterwards.” Believe it or not, coworker Reverse was not even talking about anything sexual when he released this beauty. In fact, Reverse was merely talking about a huge mushroom in his backyard (yeah, I know – that’s what she said), when Ink told him that it was probably poisonous.

Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:“What is the name of that salad?” “Bob.” We went to Chick Fil-A for our weekly “C-FAT” lunch outing yesterday (Chick Fil-A Thursday). “B” ordered one of their chicken salads, and Ink thought it looked good, so he asked “B” what the name of the salad was. Never ceasing to miss a moment, I chimed in “Bob.”

Made Up Word of the Week:
The creativity displayed by my friends and coworkers on a weekly basis is just unrivaled. I applaud each and everyone of them. We have two winners (somebody, please contact Webster’s):
· Asstriloquist – During a Labor Day barbecue on Sunday, my friend Ray-Ray was up to his usual tricks. You see, Ray-Ray is very creative with his farts. He has gotten so good at them, it seems as if he can throw them across the room, and make it seem like somebody else farted. He said that he considers himself an asstriloquist because of this skill.
· Meangling – Davie Dogs created this one, and I think it has a chance to stick. Not only is this word funny, but it is very descriptive. Davie used this one a few days ago when asked what he would be doing on Saturday. Dogs was planning on walking around the neighborhood and chatting with neighbors. He mixed mingling and meandering – but I think it works!

Stoppage Time

I haven’t done this in a while, and since I can’t think of anything else to write about, suggestions it is:

I Gots To Have My White Breads
For those of you who just can’t stomach wheat bread, but still want to lose some weight, boy do I have a suggestion for you (don’t worry, it’s clean). Try the Stroehmann’s Soft and Tasty white bread. It is a good source of whole grain, fiber, folic acid, vitamin D and calcium, and the best part is that it tastes almost as good as regular white bread. In fact, I hardly notice any difference.

Movie Recommendation
I just saw Invincible for the second time this past weekend (my wife really wanted to see it). This movie gives you an idea of what it is like to be an Eagles fan, and why we are such jerks … plus, it is a movie about a guy who tried out for Philly and made the team … without ever playing any college ball … AND this guy went to the high school I went to … AND he played with my uncle. Need I say more?

Music/Comedy Recommendation:
A friend of mine gave me a copy of a Richard Cheese CD. I know I’m late on the bandwagon to this guy, but the man is brilliant. He turns any song (and I mean ANY) into catchy lounge music. Songs like Closer (Nine Inch Nails), Fight For Your Right to Party (Beastie Boys), Me So Horny (Two Live Kru), Creep (Radiohead) – all converted to hilarious lounge music. Check him out at Amazon.com if you don’t believe me (you’ll thank me, I swear).


New Albums I’m Eagerly Anticipating:

1. Electric Six’s newest offering, Switzerland, will be hitting the shelves next week, and I’m salivating. I was turned on to these guys about 9 months ago, and I haven’t been able to stop listening to them. Their first two albums are overly addicting, and the new song, I Buy the Drugs,” is funny, yet toe-tappingly catchy. Not sure how to describe these guys, other than maybe fun heavy metal music (like Van Halen, but in the 21st century).

2. The Killers look to duplicate Hot Fuss’s success with their new album, Sam’s Town, which comes out in early October. I remember buying Hot Fuss three years ago, and proclaiming it was the best purchase I had made in years. The first release, When You Were Young, sounds promising. I’m just hoping this new album can be as complete as the first one.

3. Ronnie Wood Anthology – If you are not a Stones fan, you might as well stop reading. Many of you may not know that Ron Wood is a member of the Stones. Even more of you may be oblivious to the fact that he has done his own music, and it is pretty damn good. I have most of his solo work, but some of his work with other musicians are also included in this 2-cd set. If you like classic rock, you may want to give this one a spin.

Stoppage Time

Is That A Baby In Your Belly, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
O.K., so no stories about getting kicked out of a gay bar this time around … I apologize in advance. However, it was still a VERY fun weekend, nevertheless. First, and foremost, I want to congratulate my cousin Trish and her husband Kurt for giving birth to their first child! Some things to note, though:

1. They decided to name him Troy, which, unfortunately, reminds me of the Dallas Cowboys. Slant and I decided to take a positive spin, as Troy Aikman was probably one of the lesser-hated Cowboys… I mean, they could’ve decided to name the poor kid after Ed “Too Tall” Jones, Tom Landry, or (gasp) Jimmy Johnson.

2. Troy was 8 pound, 13 ounces at birth – this kid has got offensive lineman written all over him … either that, or American Grand Sumo Champion (kidding, Kurt).

3. He seems to be very well-behaved at this early juncture – we were at the hospital for about 1 ½ hours, and we didn’t hear a peep out of him … well, that’s not actually true, he did have some impressive farting episodes … which makes me think that he has a lot of Trish’s genes.

Is It Really the Best?
Whilst watching the Penn State game on Saturday, Slant, Smokin’ and I got into a conversation about beer, specifically the beer we were drinking that afternoon – Milwaukee’s Best. Slant and I drank this beer religiously in college … mainly, because it was the cheapest beer we could find. We have basically made a tradition out of drinking this at important Penn State related moments (like the first game of the season). Smokin’ didn’t really understand the traditional aspects of this. Slant and I tried to convince him that there is a reason that they put the word “Best” on the can, and that “Best” is not an overused term in this country, especially when it comes to describing one’s product. I’m not sure if we got through to him, but hey, we tried.

Funniest Quote of the Weekend
It was one helluva weekend for funny quotes. In fact, I believe we have a three-way tie:
1. “She’s about as feminine as a cock.” Slant said this beauty whilst describing the female announcer, Pam Ward, during the Penn State game. I think some of that Milwaukee’s Best shot through my nose.
2. “Just because he looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, doesn’t mean Smokin’ can clean like her.” I was most impressed with how quickly my friend Ray-Ray came up with that one – how often does one get to use a Mrs. Doubtfire comparison, anyway?
3. “I’d have a better shot of farting myself to the moon.” Sure, I’ve heard this one a few times in the past, but man, this is a classic, and the way my friend Scott delivered it, when asked what chances he had of hooking up with this girl at a bar, it was just golden.

Stoppage Time

Forecast This, Pal!

This city absolutely LOVES weather events. For instance. I was watching Good Day Philadelphia this morning whilst working out, and the top story of the morning was this Tropical Storm Ernesto that is projected to dump 4-6 inches of rain in the area. The weather forecaster was practically frothing at the mouth over this, trying to control his massive erection. He was interviewing some official from Atlantic City, and the guy basically said, “this is no big deal – we are treating it like a nor’easter, and we are prepared for this.” Obviously, the forecaster was not happy with this response, as he was hoping for the official to quote bible passages when describing the “potential” of this storm.

I think I’ve floated this theory out before. I really do think that the weather forecasters and supermarkets are in cahoots. When forecasters call for nasty weather, the supermarkets make a killing. People buy 8 gallons of milk, 5 dozen eggs, and 20 loaves of bread each. Either, they are going to have one kick-ass omelet-a-palooza weekend, or they’re going to end up throwing most of this away. Everybody, chill! We will be fine. Sure, maybe some of us will have to deal with some flooding in the basement, and an even rarer (is that a word?) amount may need to clean a stray, fallen tree out of their living rooms, but there’s no need to stock up supplies as if the end of the world was looming. It’s a tropical storm – it’s not even a hurricane for heaven’s sake!


The Best “That’s What She Said” line of the week:“I love watching it bounce off of things.”


New Word of the Week:
Exoverexaggerating – Ink came up with this one, apparently because the term “over -exaggerating” just wasn’t strong enough for his liking.


Two Cool Websites to Check Out:
http://www.amiwrong.com - A cool trivia site, for those of us (you know who you are!) who just don’t have enough to do at work.

http://www.inthe80s.com - For those of us who miss acid-washed jeans, leg-warmers, and mullets, this website has far too much information about the “Reaganomics” years. Burger King had a sandwich called the Yumbo? That’s just plain weird!

My Weekend, Part 2

Smokin’s Engagement Party:
I just wanted to thank Smokin’ and Soni for inviting my wife and me to their engagement party on Sunday. It was wonderful meeting all of Soni’s family for the
first time – they are all very nice people. One funny note – when we were getting our appetizers, the man in charge of the buffet said that we were not allowed to
use the plates, but had to use the salad bowls for the appetizers … normally, this wouldn’t bother me, except there were like 300 plates on the table, easily enough
plates for appetizers and the lunch. I’m wondering, are bowls easier to clean than plates? Please help me out on this one …

BLASCAR?
On Saturday evening, we celebrated my brother’s 25th birthday at a bar called The Frontier Saloon in Holmes. I’ve only really been to this place a handful of times, most recently during our last bar tour and bachelor party. It is your typical hole-in-the wall, with cheap drinks and cheap food. But, there are some “nuances” I need to discuss. First, there are two pictures of American Indian women on the back wall –
every half-hour or so, the cloth on these pictures disappears and the women are naked … so I’m guessing that political correctness is not high on the list of
priorities at this place. Also, this bar is a NASCAR haven in Delaware County (I guess this also shouldn’t be a surprise to me, considering the pictures of the
Indians).

As luck would have it, there was a NASCAR race that night, and the bar had additional specials, such as $1.00 pints of everything (well, Moosehead was $1.25 –
I guess the quarter covered importing), and $1.00 bottles. Additionally, they had a raffle, in which one would receive 3 tickets for $2.00. The raffle is done when there is an accident in the NASCAR race – Really, I can’t make this stuff up.

Additionally, the bar hands out 1 ticket a person for another raffle, in which they raffle off NASCAR related stuff – t-shirts, hats, key-chains … the typical crap. During our bar-tour, my brother somehow was able to fix the raffle (by taking the raffle bucket, and eliminating most of the tickets in there but ours – it is amazing what one can do when he/she is drunk). During that time, my brother won a blow-up
NASCAR (not sure how many “inputs”), a NASCAR basketball (again, I can’t make this up), and a bunch of NASCAR keychains and stickers. Last night, our group won a Budweiser Racing T-shirt, and an Eagles fold-up chair.

While we were “watching” the race (I have about as much interest in NASCAR as I have in the WNBA), and drinking, of course, my brother and I started getting into a conversation about NASCAR – specifically, the fact that NASCAR isn’t very friendly to people other than white people. I think in the history of NASCAR, there have only been 2 black racers (neither of which raced very often). We decided that this was a
travesty, and came up with an idea.

Let me preface this by saying (A) I am very much against racial prejudice (I think a person who decides if he/she likes a person based on skin color is an asshole – just sayin’), and (B) when we had this conversation, we were pretty drunk.

With that being said, we thought it would be a great idea if BET or the new CW channel would come up with the BLASCAR circuit, to combat NASCAR. Now, it would be a race, but that would probably be the only similarity between BLASCAR and NASCAR. Instead, points are given to the coolest “hoopties,” the loudest base sound, fattest grille, and stuff like that. Racing is strictly secondary. In fact, this race would probably more resemble a parade than anything. Of course some of the race names would be the “Compton 300,” “The Detroit 500,” and “The Camden 400.” I would probably
watch this.