1. On a of a FedEx tractor-trailer rig choking on some spicy pork rinds, losing control of his truck on an interstate and jackknifing it before coming to a stop in a muddy ditch:
"Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'What can brown do for you ...'"
2. On a man getting a DUI whilst riding a lawn mower:
3. On an argument over butter in a macaroni and cheese recipe turning into violence between a brother and sister:
"Gives a whole new meaning to the term, 'I can't believe it's not butter!'"
4. On unwelcome feral cats being spotted at Bush library site:
"They claimed they smelled something fishy ..."
5. On an Iowa teen wearing a bubble gum wrapper dress to prom:
"I'm hoping those aren't Big League Chew wrappers ..."