Time for one of the greatest times of the year ... fantasy football season!!!!
1. On a Seattle man facing assault charges on allegations that he exposed himself to a Radio Shack clerk, brandished a knife and threatened to expose the man to flesh-eating bacteria:
"This is not a penis, it's actually an alien."
2. On a man fending off a polar bear with a punch to the nose:
"Sounds like a new Chuck Norris movie to me."
3. On a man fatally shooting his girlfriend while discussing gun safety with her:
"Whatever you do, make sure you look into barrel of the gun first whilst pulling the trigger ... trust me, I'm a professional!"
4. On a man being arrested Thursday for allegedly using fireworks to set fire to his girlfriend's house:
"But you said you wanted more fireworks in our life!"
5. On San Francisco trying to ban the Happy Meal:
"Isn't that kind of like Germany banning the Bratwurst?"