Done my Christmas shopping!!! Let the fun begin!
1. On officers arresting 19-year-old Laura Miranda Landry for possession of marijuana after they found 49.5 grams of pot under the front seat of her car and in her bra.
"Reminds me of the Naked Gun movie line, 'Is this some kind of bust? Yes, it's very impressive!'"
2. On taxpayers paying to fix the penile erection problems of a jailed rapist:
"I can't believe we're paying taxes for such a dick! .... get it?"
3. On a report that links AIDS to Ancient Tigers.
"Does this means Woods is in more trouble?"
4. On a man who beat his wife for not helping to shovel the snow.
"All I can say about this is ... Snow Kidding! I'll be here all week!"
5. On random drugs tests being introduced to the World Pie Eating Championships:
"Wait a minute, I've never seen anyone eat a Lemon Marangue pie so quickly ... he must be taking roids!"