Well, I'm glad that the lawn-mowing season is over ... but, sadly, it's been replaced by the raking leaves season (which will shortly be replaced by the snow shoveling season).
1. On a teacher being suspended for allegedly trying to force a student to eat pizza. "Wait, Papa John is a teacher?"
2. On an employee of an Italian businessman allegedly forging what was supposed to be the boss's will on the back of dog collar.
"That guy is just dog-gone ridiculous! I find this crime a'paw'ling!"
3. On a group of students who used a cannon to shoot a pumpkin, which accidentally went through the Stadium scoreboard:
"Um .... The Great Pumpkin did it!"
4. On police arresting for vandalizing 14 school buses overnight, causing the district to cancel school for the day - police linked one of the men to the vandalism after finding his cell phone on the bus lot:
"What did these criminals call themselves, the Wet Bandits?"
5. On security guards armed with torches and chicken wire keeping a 24-hour watch to stop hedgehogs hiding in a bonfire:
"Wasn't this the premise of a Bugs Bunny cartoon?"