My fantasy football team stinks.
1. On the Harrisburg Zombie Walk, faced with paying fees to the city, moving from downtown to Harrisburg Mall:
"I'm not sure which I'm more confused about - the actual zombie walk, or the taxes forced on it."
2. On a postman who used social networking sites to groom up to 1,000 children – some of whom he sexually abused – being jailed for eight-and-a-half years:
"It would probably be tasteless making a crack about how the postman always delivers, wouldn't it?"
3. On a British man being arrested in a dawn raid on his house after he bought a goldfish in a pet shop then gulped it down in front of horrified staff:
"Good thing he didn't buy a cocker spaniel."
4. On a sports fan tattooing his penis as tribute to his team:
"He must be a Kansas City Royals fan ..."
5. on a small fire at the Cedar Point wooden roller coaster Tuesday night damaging a 5-foot section of the track:
"Another reason why I hate roller coasters..."