Fantasy football draft complete ... as always, I currently like my team.
1. On a story that canned beer is the future of good beer:
"The fine people at Meister Brau and Piels are finally happy in their pants!"
2. On Fidel Castro saying that al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden is a bought-and-paid-for CIA agent who always popped up when former President George W. Bush needed to scare the world, arguing that documents recently posted on the Internet prove it:
"Emo Phillips thinks this guy is nuts."
3. On Paris Hilton being arrested on the Las Vegas Strip late Friday after police saw a cloud of what they suspected was marijuana smoke wafting from the windows of a black Cadillac Escalade driven by her boyfriend, then found a small amount of cocaine in her possession:
"Maybe she can turn this into a positive like Richard Pryor - 'Paris Hilton - Up in Smoke!'"
4. On a Catholic school apologizing to parents offended by a boy pretending to be Adolf Hitler won first place in his class at a school costume contest:
"They decided to re-award the prize to the second place winner - the kid in the Osama Bin Laden costume."
5. On two soccer moms brawling at an awards ceremony:
"They agreed to settle it in a min-van race-off..."
17 hours ago