Oh my god ... I'm a dad!!!!
1. On a Queens woman planning to file suit after she says cops beat her because she didn't pick up her dog's poo:
"Sounds to me like the cops treated her a little 'ruff.'"
2. On a 'Naughty' joke getting Santa Claus fired from Macy's:
"How many elves does it take to make Mrs. Claus happy ..."
3. On a Missouri home being damaged by a lawnmower fire in the bedroom:
"Good thing the bathroom tractor didn't catch on fire!"
4. On a blind man being arrested for DUI:
"This guy has a good shot at being a New York cabbie!"
5. On police responding to a call of disturbance involving a male running around naked with a crack pipe in his hand in the afternoon:
"Must be Christmas vacation ..."