It's like mother nature has a bad case of dandruff in Philly right now!
1. On a circus to feature a banned smoking act and a dwarf pulling hoover vacuum cleaner with his penis:
"Eat your heart out, Cirque-de Solei!"
2. On a girl miraculously alive in Argentina after her mother lowered her onto the tracks just as a train was coming into the station:
"We'll take it from here, Mrs. Hitler ..."
3. On a 36-year-old Lake Forest woman being arrested Friday on suspicion of having sex with a 13-year-old boy:
"Ya know, this stuff NEVER happened when I was 13 ... sadly." Or ... "Hey, sounds like they're trying to remake Big!"
4. On a Virginia delegate who wants to bring back Confederate money:
"Texas thinks this is absurd ..."
5. On the YWCA dropping the word Christian from its historic name to call itself Platform 51:
"Sounds out of this world ... get it? Because Area 51 has stuff to do with aliens? Ok, I was reaching ... gimmee a break - I have a newborn, dammit!"