Football kind of sucks when your team is no longer in the playoffs ... sigh.
1. On a report that moderate drinking of ale and lager can cut the risk of diabetes and high blood pressure and even help people lose weight:
"Well, then, I must be the healthiest man in the world!"
2. On the First Premier MasterCard with an astonishing 79.99 percent A.P.R.:
"And to think I still can't figure out why credit cards have a bad name ..."
3. On a pay phone in the county courthouse in Mitchell being unplugged after officials discovered it cost the county $69 per call last year:
"Sounds like this pay phone is owned by First Premier Mastercard ..."\
4. On Johnson and Johnson discovering its Motrin caplets were defective, and hiring a contractor to go around the country buy up all the drugs in a "secret recall:"
"Wait, a drug company that isn't honest? Next thing you'll tell me is that Liberace was gay ..."
5. On A man who lost his right leg above the knee when a rotted tree fell on him last summer at Camp Warren Levis suing the Lewis and Clark Boy Scout Council and the Boy Scouts of America, claiming the organizations were negligent:
"Sounds to me like he couldn't 'foot' the medical bills ..."