Stoppage Time

“We need some more fat and happy rappers.”
This gem of a quote was uttered by a coworker of mine as we were listening to Chubb Rock’s “Treat ‘em Right.” We got to talking, and brought up a bunch of great “retro” rap songs, going back to the 80’s and early 90’s. Remember when rap music was fun? Now, it’s all about carrying the biggest guns, screwing the most biotches, and killing the most “hatas.” Wouldn’t it be great to go back to “Doo-Doo Brown,” and “Gas Face?”

That’s What She Said Quote of the Week:
We actually have a tie this week – yes, much like Michael Scott, we (probably I) use this term far too often. In fact, we don’t really even say the phrase anymore – we kind of hum to the tune of “That’s What She Said.”
* “I usually go for the wide ones.” I forget what we were talking about when “B” said this, but we immediately lost it.
* “I guess I’m allowed to touch it, but I shouldn’t lick my fingers afterwards.” Believe it or not, coworker Reverse was not even talking about anything sexual when he released this beauty. In fact, Reverse was merely talking about a huge mushroom in his backyard (yeah, I know – that’s what she said), when Ink told him that it was probably poisonous.

Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:“What is the name of that salad?” “Bob.” We went to Chick Fil-A for our weekly “C-FAT” lunch outing yesterday (Chick Fil-A Thursday). “B” ordered one of their chicken salads, and Ink thought it looked good, so he asked “B” what the name of the salad was. Never ceasing to miss a moment, I chimed in “Bob.”

Made Up Word of the Week:
The creativity displayed by my friends and coworkers on a weekly basis is just unrivaled. I applaud each and everyone of them. We have two winners (somebody, please contact Webster’s):
· Asstriloquist – During a Labor Day barbecue on Sunday, my friend Ray-Ray was up to his usual tricks. You see, Ray-Ray is very creative with his farts. He has gotten so good at them, it seems as if he can throw them across the room, and make it seem like somebody else farted. He said that he considers himself an asstriloquist because of this skill.
· Meangling – Davie Dogs created this one, and I think it has a chance to stick. Not only is this word funny, but it is very descriptive. Davie used this one a few days ago when asked what he would be doing on Saturday. Dogs was planning on walking around the neighborhood and chatting with neighbors. He mixed mingling and meandering – but I think it works!

Stoppage Time

I haven’t done this in a while, and since I can’t think of anything else to write about, suggestions it is:

I Gots To Have My White Breads
For those of you who just can’t stomach wheat bread, but still want to lose some weight, boy do I have a suggestion for you (don’t worry, it’s clean). Try the Stroehmann’s Soft and Tasty white bread. It is a good source of whole grain, fiber, folic acid, vitamin D and calcium, and the best part is that it tastes almost as good as regular white bread. In fact, I hardly notice any difference.

Movie Recommendation
I just saw Invincible for the second time this past weekend (my wife really wanted to see it). This movie gives you an idea of what it is like to be an Eagles fan, and why we are such jerks … plus, it is a movie about a guy who tried out for Philly and made the team … without ever playing any college ball … AND this guy went to the high school I went to … AND he played with my uncle. Need I say more?

Music/Comedy Recommendation:
A friend of mine gave me a copy of a Richard Cheese CD. I know I’m late on the bandwagon to this guy, but the man is brilliant. He turns any song (and I mean ANY) into catchy lounge music. Songs like Closer (Nine Inch Nails), Fight For Your Right to Party (Beastie Boys), Me So Horny (Two Live Kru), Creep (Radiohead) – all converted to hilarious lounge music. Check him out at Amazon.com if you don’t believe me (you’ll thank me, I swear).


New Albums I’m Eagerly Anticipating:

1. Electric Six’s newest offering, Switzerland, will be hitting the shelves next week, and I’m salivating. I was turned on to these guys about 9 months ago, and I haven’t been able to stop listening to them. Their first two albums are overly addicting, and the new song, I Buy the Drugs,” is funny, yet toe-tappingly catchy. Not sure how to describe these guys, other than maybe fun heavy metal music (like Van Halen, but in the 21st century).

2. The Killers look to duplicate Hot Fuss’s success with their new album, Sam’s Town, which comes out in early October. I remember buying Hot Fuss three years ago, and proclaiming it was the best purchase I had made in years. The first release, When You Were Young, sounds promising. I’m just hoping this new album can be as complete as the first one.

3. Ronnie Wood Anthology – If you are not a Stones fan, you might as well stop reading. Many of you may not know that Ron Wood is a member of the Stones. Even more of you may be oblivious to the fact that he has done his own music, and it is pretty damn good. I have most of his solo work, but some of his work with other musicians are also included in this 2-cd set. If you like classic rock, you may want to give this one a spin.

Stoppage Time

Is That A Baby In Your Belly, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
O.K., so no stories about getting kicked out of a gay bar this time around … I apologize in advance. However, it was still a VERY fun weekend, nevertheless. First, and foremost, I want to congratulate my cousin Trish and her husband Kurt for giving birth to their first child! Some things to note, though:

1. They decided to name him Troy, which, unfortunately, reminds me of the Dallas Cowboys. Slant and I decided to take a positive spin, as Troy Aikman was probably one of the lesser-hated Cowboys… I mean, they could’ve decided to name the poor kid after Ed “Too Tall” Jones, Tom Landry, or (gasp) Jimmy Johnson.

2. Troy was 8 pound, 13 ounces at birth – this kid has got offensive lineman written all over him … either that, or American Grand Sumo Champion (kidding, Kurt).

3. He seems to be very well-behaved at this early juncture – we were at the hospital for about 1 ½ hours, and we didn’t hear a peep out of him … well, that’s not actually true, he did have some impressive farting episodes … which makes me think that he has a lot of Trish’s genes.

Is It Really the Best?
Whilst watching the Penn State game on Saturday, Slant, Smokin’ and I got into a conversation about beer, specifically the beer we were drinking that afternoon – Milwaukee’s Best. Slant and I drank this beer religiously in college … mainly, because it was the cheapest beer we could find. We have basically made a tradition out of drinking this at important Penn State related moments (like the first game of the season). Smokin’ didn’t really understand the traditional aspects of this. Slant and I tried to convince him that there is a reason that they put the word “Best” on the can, and that “Best” is not an overused term in this country, especially when it comes to describing one’s product. I’m not sure if we got through to him, but hey, we tried.

Funniest Quote of the Weekend
It was one helluva weekend for funny quotes. In fact, I believe we have a three-way tie:
1. “She’s about as feminine as a cock.” Slant said this beauty whilst describing the female announcer, Pam Ward, during the Penn State game. I think some of that Milwaukee’s Best shot through my nose.
2. “Just because he looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, doesn’t mean Smokin’ can clean like her.” I was most impressed with how quickly my friend Ray-Ray came up with that one – how often does one get to use a Mrs. Doubtfire comparison, anyway?
3. “I’d have a better shot of farting myself to the moon.” Sure, I’ve heard this one a few times in the past, but man, this is a classic, and the way my friend Scott delivered it, when asked what chances he had of hooking up with this girl at a bar, it was just golden.

Stoppage Time

Forecast This, Pal!

This city absolutely LOVES weather events. For instance. I was watching Good Day Philadelphia this morning whilst working out, and the top story of the morning was this Tropical Storm Ernesto that is projected to dump 4-6 inches of rain in the area. The weather forecaster was practically frothing at the mouth over this, trying to control his massive erection. He was interviewing some official from Atlantic City, and the guy basically said, “this is no big deal – we are treating it like a nor’easter, and we are prepared for this.” Obviously, the forecaster was not happy with this response, as he was hoping for the official to quote bible passages when describing the “potential” of this storm.

I think I’ve floated this theory out before. I really do think that the weather forecasters and supermarkets are in cahoots. When forecasters call for nasty weather, the supermarkets make a killing. People buy 8 gallons of milk, 5 dozen eggs, and 20 loaves of bread each. Either, they are going to have one kick-ass omelet-a-palooza weekend, or they’re going to end up throwing most of this away. Everybody, chill! We will be fine. Sure, maybe some of us will have to deal with some flooding in the basement, and an even rarer (is that a word?) amount may need to clean a stray, fallen tree out of their living rooms, but there’s no need to stock up supplies as if the end of the world was looming. It’s a tropical storm – it’s not even a hurricane for heaven’s sake!


The Best “That’s What She Said” line of the week:“I love watching it bounce off of things.”


New Word of the Week:
Exoverexaggerating – Ink came up with this one, apparently because the term “over -exaggerating” just wasn’t strong enough for his liking.


Two Cool Websites to Check Out:
http://www.amiwrong.com - A cool trivia site, for those of us (you know who you are!) who just don’t have enough to do at work.

http://www.inthe80s.com - For those of us who miss acid-washed jeans, leg-warmers, and mullets, this website has far too much information about the “Reaganomics” years. Burger King had a sandwich called the Yumbo? That’s just plain weird!

My Weekend, Part 2

Smokin’s Engagement Party:
I just wanted to thank Smokin’ and Soni for inviting my wife and me to their engagement party on Sunday. It was wonderful meeting all of Soni’s family for the
first time – they are all very nice people. One funny note – when we were getting our appetizers, the man in charge of the buffet said that we were not allowed to
use the plates, but had to use the salad bowls for the appetizers … normally, this wouldn’t bother me, except there were like 300 plates on the table, easily enough
plates for appetizers and the lunch. I’m wondering, are bowls easier to clean than plates? Please help me out on this one …

BLASCAR?
On Saturday evening, we celebrated my brother’s 25th birthday at a bar called The Frontier Saloon in Holmes. I’ve only really been to this place a handful of times, most recently during our last bar tour and bachelor party. It is your typical hole-in-the wall, with cheap drinks and cheap food. But, there are some “nuances” I need to discuss. First, there are two pictures of American Indian women on the back wall –
every half-hour or so, the cloth on these pictures disappears and the women are naked … so I’m guessing that political correctness is not high on the list of
priorities at this place. Also, this bar is a NASCAR haven in Delaware County (I guess this also shouldn’t be a surprise to me, considering the pictures of the
Indians).

As luck would have it, there was a NASCAR race that night, and the bar had additional specials, such as $1.00 pints of everything (well, Moosehead was $1.25 –
I guess the quarter covered importing), and $1.00 bottles. Additionally, they had a raffle, in which one would receive 3 tickets for $2.00. The raffle is done when there is an accident in the NASCAR race – Really, I can’t make this stuff up.

Additionally, the bar hands out 1 ticket a person for another raffle, in which they raffle off NASCAR related stuff – t-shirts, hats, key-chains … the typical crap. During our bar-tour, my brother somehow was able to fix the raffle (by taking the raffle bucket, and eliminating most of the tickets in there but ours – it is amazing what one can do when he/she is drunk). During that time, my brother won a blow-up
NASCAR (not sure how many “inputs”), a NASCAR basketball (again, I can’t make this up), and a bunch of NASCAR keychains and stickers. Last night, our group won a Budweiser Racing T-shirt, and an Eagles fold-up chair.

While we were “watching” the race (I have about as much interest in NASCAR as I have in the WNBA), and drinking, of course, my brother and I started getting into a conversation about NASCAR – specifically, the fact that NASCAR isn’t very friendly to people other than white people. I think in the history of NASCAR, there have only been 2 black racers (neither of which raced very often). We decided that this was a
travesty, and came up with an idea.

Let me preface this by saying (A) I am very much against racial prejudice (I think a person who decides if he/she likes a person based on skin color is an asshole – just sayin’), and (B) when we had this conversation, we were pretty drunk.

With that being said, we thought it would be a great idea if BET or the new CW channel would come up with the BLASCAR circuit, to combat NASCAR. Now, it would be a race, but that would probably be the only similarity between BLASCAR and NASCAR. Instead, points are given to the coolest “hoopties,” the loudest base sound, fattest grille, and stuff like that. Racing is strictly secondary. In fact, this race would probably more resemble a parade than anything. Of course some of the race names would be the “Compton 300,” “The Detroit 500,” and “The Camden 400.” I would probably
watch this.

My Weekend, Part 1

I had a very "interesting" weekend all around. I have so much to write about that I have to break it up into two parts (the second part will be posted on Wednesday). Enjoy:

Straight-Bashed

A limousine filled with 2 heterosexual couples, a homosexual couple, and two sisters – sound like an interesting time? Don’t answer that! We celebrated my wife’s friend’s birthday in style on Friday night (obviously, she is also my friend), by renting a limo for 5+ hours, and driving to a bunch of bars/clubs throughout the Philly. We went to typical places one would expect to go to in the City of Brotherly Love that night – places in Manayunk, Center City, and Old City – all kinds of places, from fancy (Tangerine, Derricks), to laid back (The Cherry Street Tavern) – drinking everything from beer to Martinis and wine.

By about 12:30 a.m., we were pretty drunk, but really not all that bad. The gay couple (I’m not sure if that is PC, but I mean nothing negative by it) wanted to go to a gay bar called Woody’s (can’t make that one up, folks) – hey I’ve never been to one of these places before, but I’m willing to try anything. We get in there, and immediately, it felt like the record skipped – this is probably not going to be quite what I expected. The place seemed nice enough, just tons of well-dressed men talking extremely close to one-another.

I went to the bathroom – probably a mistake on my part. I felt many, many eyes on me, and I ended up getting stage-fright. For you straight guys who may, for some reason, find yourself at a gay bar, it is probably best to go to the bathroom in numbers greater than 1. I felt like a piece of meat (a good cut, obviously).

When I got out of the bathroom, I went to the bar with the other straight guy in our group. For some reason, the bartender refused to serve him, because he was “too intoxicated.” In looking around the place, I noticed many, many people that were not only more intoxicated than us, but also high as a kite. I “understood” immediately, that we really weren’t welcome here. Of course, the gay couple in our group immediately blended in with the other “patrons” of the establishment.

Then, I went to look for my wife, and found her and the birthday girl being confronted by two security guys (also queer as a three dollar bill). The security guard informed them that THEY were also too drunk, and asked them to leave the premises. The birthday girl was NOT AT ALL pleased with this, as even though she was a little tipsy, by no means was she THAT drunk. She began yelling and cursing at these two guards, asking what the hell she did so wrong that she was being asked to leave. The guards offered her no other reason, other than being too drunk.

I decided to follow them out, as I did not want to be the only straight guy left in a place called Woody’s. I have these visions of these guys tying me up to a wall and playing “Pin the Tail on the Hetero,” only they wouldn’t be using tails.

As we were being escorted out, the birthday girl got more heated, and started calling the security guards “pickle chuggers!” I think I may have heard this term once in my life prior to this occasion, and hey – I don’t normally condone name-calling and attacks to a person’s race, religion, or sexual preference … however, the term pickle chugger was hysterical. She was screaming this at the top of her lungs … and I had to pull her aside and inform her that she may be offending the 1000+ pickle chuggers on the inside of the bar. Needless to say, they called the cops on us, and we were told by the men in blue to leave or get arrested. We chose to leave (thankfully).

But, the bottom line on this is, we were mistreated by a segment of the population that I thought would not be capable of this (considering that they most likely know how it feels to be discriminated against). I was standing right near these two security pickle-chuggers (sorry, I couldn’t resist), and they started making snide comments about the birthday girl. I immediately got in their faces and told them to shut the f**k up. One of the security guards said something to the effect of “We can talk about anybody we want, and we don’t need to listen to your kind.” Oh, that’s right – get the German blood flowing, guys – that’s a real good idea … especially considering that I’ve already filled the tank with fuel (alcohol). I must’ve hulked up or something, because a roar, that started in the pit of my stomach made it’s way up my esophagus, through my mouth, and scared the living piss out these guys – they immediately stopped talking, and hung their heads the rest of the time I was there.

So, to recap, not only did I go to a gay bar, but I got kicked out of one for not being gay … I love this country! On a funny side note, my wife, the next morning, said “I found it strange that there were really only guys inside that gay bar,” to which I responded, “Honey, it’s called Woody’s, not Clam’s.”


Funny Wife Comment:
I was clipping coupons (they probably would’ve served me at Woody’s had they known that tidbit), when I came across a coupon for Vagisil. I asked my wife if she needed any, to which she responded, “I’ve seen you scratching your balls a lot, maybe they should come out with a product called ‘Testisil.’” That’s my baby!

Funny Comment To My Wife:
My wife asked me on Sunday, if I liked her jewelry, to which I responded, “I really like your bracelet … I bet you could probably catch a fish with it.” Good times.

Stoppage Time

Nutty Conversation

It was a pretty slow week at work this week, which of course means that the office clowners (of which I am part of), came up with some really “interesting” conversational topics. My favorite one this week was this: A nut can be considered a seed, but is a seed also a nut? We mulled it over for a good ½ hour and came up with the conclusion that even though a nut is technically a seed, seeds can’t be considered nuts for the following reasons:

1. You usually eat the stuff around seeds (for instance, with apples and oranges), but nuts kind of just grow on their own, with nothing but a hard shell surrounding them.
2. Most nuts are edible, and taste good, but you wouldn’t want to eat apple seeds and orange seeds.
3. Nuts have a much harder outer shell than seeds do (I’m not sure what this means, and why this means that nuts are different, but we decided that this had to be a reason).

However, some things do not fit into this list:

1. Sunflower seeds and Pumpkin seeds don’t fit in this explanation, as both are very edible and very delicious.
2. Potatoes can be planted and grown, as well as onions, but we can’t consider them nuts, can we?

This might be the next big argument, after the big debate on planets that has just taken place (Pluto will always be a planet in my eyes, dammit!).


Just a few funny quotes from this week:
1. “You like killing deer, I like killing beer.” This was a conversation between a coworker who loves to hunt, and me.
2. “You might need to branch out into crazy.” I can’t remember what we were talking about here at work, but I think it was an idea for a new business product.

Creative Office Coworkers

Yes, one of my creative office coworkers has struck again. Just a little disclaimer for you fellow readers:

1. I do not condone screwing squirrels in any way, shape or form ... unless, of course, you are also a squirrel.

2. As far as I know, there has never been a statue built in my likeness, nor dedicated to me ... however, there is still time.

3. The office coworkers seem to put more time into photoshopping pictures of me than they do with their regular work ... and who can blame them? It's kind of fun.

I've Been Tagged!!!!

I was tagged to do one of those "surveys," but this one is 51 questions long. For the sake of the blogging community, I am not going to tag anybody else, but I felt that it was worthwhile to answer the 51 (yeah, that's right, 51) questions anyway. You are more than welcome to answer 1, some, or all of these questions on my site (or your site) if you want, or make comments on my answers ... or do nothing at all. It's up to you ... aren't I great?

1. First name? Karl

2. Were you named after anyone? I don't think so. My middle name is Reiner, so I asked my parents if I was named after the comedian, and they said no. So ... how 'bout them Phillies?

3. Do you wish on stars? As a youngster, I probably wished on stars a few times ... I always gave them credit for getting me the Oscar the Grouch alarm clock.

4. When did you last cry? Phew, probably during a romantic comedy. Unfortunately, I am a sucker for some romantic comedies (Some Kind of Wonderful, Say Anything, Sleepless in Seattle). Actually, now that I think about it, I had some welling up in the eyes, when one of my best friends called this weekend and told me his older sister passed away ... tragic, she was far too young.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Oh Heavens no. I have seen chickens scratch more legibly.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Just regular turkey breast. If you smoke it, it starts tasting like ham, and that is just a crime.

7. What is your birth date? June 2, 1972 ... coincidentally, that is viewed as the greatest day the Earth has ever seen.

8. What is your most favorite album/CD? Rolling Stones - Some Girls. Every track is excellent, and it has a nice mix of rock, country, disco, a little punk, and some funk. Just a well-rounded album.

9. Favorite Jewelry not counting wedding/engagement ring and why? Outside of my wedding ring, I only really wear a watch, as far as jewelry is concerned. It is a cool Fossil Penn State watch, though.

10. Do you have a journal? I have a few blogs, so I guess these are like journals.

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Um, well, if I have to answer this one for you, then you obviously have no clue who I am.

12. What are your nicknames? I've had a tone of them. My favorite is Los, but only a handful of people call me that still. Here are some others: Kaz, Stupid German, Old Blue Eyes, BOFBPOS (that one is a work one), Kraut, The Winner ... to name a few.

13. Would you bungee jump? Never thought about doing it. But, if given the choice, I’d probably do the plane jumping thing first.


14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I guess it depends on how lazy I feel at the moment. Why the hell do you care anyway?

15. Do you think that you are strong? I guess kind of. I wouldn’t call myself a body builder, or anything like that, but I can work all day moving stuff, and never tire (gotta be the German blood). Mentally, I’m strong, because I never give up.

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate Chip Cookie dough, without a doubt. I don’t think a better flavor of ice cream is possible.

17. Shoe Size? 11 ½ (and you know what they say about a person’s shoe size, don’t ya … me neither).

18. Red or pink? If forced, I would say red, just because Santa Claus wears red, and I happen to love presents.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? The beer gut (not hideous, but I’d like to lose it). But, I love beer too much to do anything about it.

20. What do you like most about yourself? My sense of humor. I can diffuse fights between friends, family members, and others, which is a good thing. Sometimes I can diffuse tense situations at work (however, my sarcasm can start fights as well).

21.Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Actually, I don’t really care, because this is a long-ass questionnaire, and I hate these “being tagged” thingies. But hey, if you want to, be my guest.

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? I am wearing khakis and brown shoes.

23. What are you listening to right now? I listened to the Police last (I believe the song was “I Can’t Stand Losing You.”)

24. Last thing you ate? Cheerios … the multi wheat ones (I think) … not because I’m trying to be healthy, but because they were on sale.

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Indian Red, because I thought that was a cool name for a color … I believe Crayola has changed the name of the color for political purposes.

26. What is the weather like now ? Partly sunny – actually quite pleasant. Thank goodness I’m working today … sigh!

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? My wife, to wish her luck in the dart championship last night … that’s right, she’s on a dart team … and no, she doesn’t have testicles …except for mine.

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I like a girl’s eyes, and her buttocks … that’s right, just like Kramer, I’m an Ass Man!

29. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? It would be great to be able to appear anywhere with just the snap of a finger … I’d never be late for work, and could save lots of money on gas (and tolls) … call me Thrifty Man!

30 Favorite Drink? Nice cold glass of OJ in the morning, Lemonade in the afternoon, and a good Long Island Iced Tea at night.

32. Hair Color? Blonde (at least where I still have hair)

33. Eye Color? Ice Blue (because it sounds cool).

34. Do you wear contacts? Yes, but I’ve been thinking about getting laser surgery … so any tips would be helpful and appreciated.

35. Favorite Food? Geez, so many to choose from – Tacos, ribs, crabs …. I can’t decide, dammit!!!!

36. Last Movie You Watched? Top Secret! Watched it last night – it is without a doubt in my top 10 favorite movies of all time (a possible future blog).

37. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas … because I love to give and receive presents.

38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Ummm…..I’m a scaredy cat, so give me the movies with happy endings (sounds like a cheap massage parlor).

39. Summer or winter? I am thankful that I live in an area that experiences all four seasons. I love ‘em all. However, when it is way too hot, I wish for winter, and when it is way too cold, I wish for summer.

40. Hugs Or Kisses? I guess it depends on who they are coming from.

41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Some pound cake with some nice cherry topping on the side … I also love cheese-cake.

42. Who is Most Likely To Respond? Nobody, because this is just too freakin’ long.

43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Everybody, because of the same reason.

44. What Books Are You Reading? I am reading a Photoshop book right now. I just finished a “Pro Wrestling Mysteries” book, so I got that going for me …

45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? At work, it is a Lockheed Martin pad … BORING!

46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? The Phillies and Top Secret.

47. Favorite Smells? Coffee, bacon, a pipe, the smell of asphalt when the rain just starts hitting it (I know, I’m weird).

48. Favorite Sounds? Rain against a window (soothing in a way).

49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Without a doubt, the Rolling Stones. They have been my favorite rock band since the 7th grade. I own over 50 of their albums (bootlegs, live stuff, studio stuff, etc.). Don’t get me wrong, I think the Beatles are good, but the Stones will always be my favorites.

50. What's the farthest you've been from home? Romania, I’m guessing … although I was in Alaska also, but I’m not sure which is further.

51. What's your major malfunction, Private Pyle? I eat too many damn potato chips, and I don’t like ham or potatoes for some reason.

Stoppage Time, Jr.

You call it What??

So, I accidentally clicked on the Whoopi Goldberg radio show this morning – how the hell does she have a morning show now? Is this the next rung of the ladder after Hollywood Squares? I guess she can’t really do porn, because she is just way too damb ugly.

Anyway, that’s not what I’m blogging about today (although, certainly a blog about what Whoopi will do next is certainly one that that should be done by somebody in the future). She mentioned something about all these television commercials about Erectile Dysfunction that are smothering our TV airwaves. And, although I agree with her about this – it is getting out of hand, kind of like all of those Sally Struthers commercials in the late 1980’s – I have a different take on this.

I’ve noticed that a lot of these commercials are calling it “E.D.” Is this the new cool nickname for it? Does Erectile Dysfunction even need a cool nickname? Should we start having nicknames for all illnesses to make them sound cool? Like for instance, “I was diagnosed with the G-Hizzy by my doctor last night (G-Hizzy would of course be Genital Herpes). Or, I came down with the T-Fun a few weeks ago (Toenail Fungus). Are drug companies trying to “sexify” personal illnesses so that they can increase their business? I gotta know, because I’m really not liking the term E.D. Please, help me with this one.


It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Not that most of you care, but I had my fantasy draft last night, and I had the number one pick. I took Shaun Alexander, because I really want to get screwed by the Madden jinx. Here are my other picks:

QB'/s – Matt Hasselback, Jon Kitna
RB's - Shaun Alexander, Chester Taylor, Kevin Jones, Ahman Green
WR - Hines Ward, Derrick Mason, Matt Jones, Lee Evans
TE - Kellen Winslow, JR, Vernon Davis
K - Jay Feely, Nate Kaeding
DEF - Seattle, Kansas City

Everybody loves their team after the draft, and I’m no exception. Sure, I’m a little light on Wide Receiver, but our league generally favors running backs and QB’s, and I think I did pretty well with these … of course, injuries are always the wild card. Hopefully, Seattle doesn’t get the Super Bowl hangover.

Drive-Thru P.I.A.'s

Yesterday, I was in the drive-thru line at Wendy’s, and it got me to thinking. It is important, yet usually overlooked, ignored, or never even learned. Yes, I’m talking about drive-thru etiquette. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure an official list exists, and if one does, please let me know about it. However, if one does not exist, let me be the first to start one on this blog (please, feel free to add to it).

First, I think it is important that we come to a consensus about the purpose of a drive-thru. In my humble opinion, a drive-thru’s purpose is to accommodate the customer who knows what he/she wants in a relatively speedy time. It is supposed to convenience the customer by allowing the customer to order from inside the car, and pick-up from inside the car (Now, there are a few places that allow one to order the food from home, or work, and pick up “curb-side.” This rant has nothing to do with those).

1. When going thru a drive-thru, please have an idea of what you are going to order. If you don’t know what you want, why not go inside the restaurant, where you can take as much time as you want looking at the menu, without inconveniencing others who already know what they want, and are hungry as hell. I see far too often, people looking over the menu for minutes at a time, trying to figure out what they want, seemingly oblivious to the line of cars behind them. I think it is selfish and rude, and in a perfect world, these people would be given some sort of ticket or citation for neglecting others.

2. If you have a rather large order, please either go inside to place it, or volunteer to move your car forward after ordering so that other orders can be placed promptly. I dread being behind a van full of people in a drive-thru, because I know that I will be spending far more time in the drive thru than I had originally intended. I understand that people with kids would rather just stay in the car and order the 18 happy meals, but one should really sometimes keep in mind the purpose of the drive-thru (see above). I am sure that when I have kids I may want to amend this one.

3. If you have coupons, or an order that you think might be screwed up when going through the drive-thru, it is best that you go inside to order. That way, you can have the piece of mind of checking the food at the counter, and making sure that the order was fulfilled to your satisfaction. Sometimes I feel like ramming the car in front of me, when the guy who ordered his special burger with onions, lettuce, sweet peppers, gets upset after thoroughly checking his burger and noticing the pickles on the patty. Asshole! Go inside to order you specialty sandwich – THE DRIVE THRU IS NOT THE PLACE TO DO THIS!

4. As with traffic lights, please pay attention to the car in front of you! I hate it when the person in front of me doesn’t realize (A) it is his/her turn to order, or (B) the car in front of them moved 20 seconds ago, yet the person is still sitting in park, waiting for lord knows what. PAY ATTENTION!

5. I’m pretty sure that the speakers in the drive-thru are good enough that one does not need to stick his/her entire upper torso out of the window and scream in order to place an order. I could be wrong about this, as I’ve never worked in a fast-food restaurant before, but I’ve never had to do this, and it seems like they can hear me loud and clear. I know, I know – this one doesn’t really waste any time, but if you get as annoyed as I do in a drive-thru, then you know that any little thing can be annoying.

I’m sure there are more, but this is a start.


Two Funny Quotes from Last Week:

"You know, it's still August." "Thanks, Nostra-dumbass." We were talking about how nice the weather was last week, but how the temperatures were slowly rising. So, Ryk informed us that it was still August. The zinger that Brian left was priceless.

"I thought you had already reached the absolute-zero of crazy." Joe, a coworker, informed us that he was to the point of going crazy. I came back with that comment. It got a few chuckles.

Atari vs. Intellivision

I want to start this post out by saying that I do not consider myself a "gamer." I don't pay $15 a month to be on a W.O.W. or Eve server, nor do I play Unreal Tournament or Guildwars. I do, however, own a PS2, and the most recent game I played on that was Arena League football. Other than that, I might play some occasional games that do not require a minimum of 4 hours straight of play a night.

With that said, we at work had an interesting conversation about the Atari 2600 - Intellivision wars of the late 1970's and early 1980's. As you can see, we are often very busy at work. Anyway, I figured I'd share my experiences, and encourage your thoughts, opinions, and experiences (if you too are old).

I owned an Atari way back in 1980, back when it was named Atari VCS (yeah, I'm old as mud, I know). I remember being overwhelmed with surprise/happiness when I opened this particular Christmas present. I wasn't really expecting to get it, even though I had asked for it repeatedly. My mom had informed me that the $120 price-tag on this system was far too high for "Santa" to pay for. Boy, did my mom ever sucker me in with that one.

As some of you may know, Combat was the game that was included with the Atari. It was a fun 2-player game, but since it came with the Atari, most of us thought it was lame. My parents (Santa) did purchase a second game for the system - Football. Looking back, the graphics and gameplay were kind of lame, but at the time, I didn't think life could get any better. I remember the sheer jubilance that swept through my soul when buying blockbuster games like Asteroids, Space Invaders, and Pac Man. It was like having an arcade in my basement (except, the arcade games were
always cooler).

I became friends with someone who had an Intellivision, and immediately my heart sank. The sports games were infinitely better than anything the poor Atari had to offer. Immediately, I felt like a second-class citizen, because I wasn't able to select from a multitude of football plays, nor was I able to get put in the penalty box in Atari's version of hockey. I wanted to go over to this kid's house every day to play Intellivision sports games.

But, as bad as Atari was with sports, they did have an edge (in my humble opinion) in other games. They had the rights to games like Pac Man, Centipede, Asteroids, and Space Invaders. All Intellivision could do was offer cheap rip-offs of these classics. Plus, Atari's Pitfall and Raiders of the Lost Ark were nearly impossible to put down (there were other classics from Activision like Stampede, Kaboom, Laser Blast, and
Freeway).

Of course, once Collecovision came out, the argument was moot, as it blew both aging systems out of the water. I passed up the Collecovision in favor of getting the Commodore 64 - probably another great discussion would be how many games people were able to collect for this system with all of the hacker disks that came out.

Anyway, I felt like I had to "nerd-out" for just a post, so anybody who hates video games, I apologize with providing my early experiences.

Stoppage Time

If it smells like a fox …
So, T.O. is causing ripples in Dallas already, eh? I have to admit that even I am shocked at how quickly this schmuck is rocking the boat in Big D. In case you hadn’t heard, Owens has yet to practice with the ‘Boys because of a hamstring injury (something he apparently complains about each and every offseason), AND he decided to skip his team’s first preseason game, AND apparently he decided to skip out on a book signing. Geez, I have no idea why T.O. is so misunderstood - he seems like a great guy. He has quickly reached Barry Bonds status with me (not a good thing), and I hope that somebody lays him out really good this season - to the point where he has trouble remembering if his name is T.O. or O.T. By the way, if things continue to sour in Dallas, I already have his next excuse lined up (remember, you heard it here first):

“The NFL is out to get me! They are intimidated with the star-power that I possess, and have asked all the other teams to mistreat me. They want me out of the game, and continually make up stories about how bad of a guy I am.” Mark it down, folks.


Pluto No Longer a Planet?
So, apparently, a bunch of scientists from around the world came together to come up with a definition of what a planet really is. Apparently these egg-heads are having a heated debate on whether or not Pluto should still be considered a planet. Guys, seriously, we’ve been calling it a planet for so long, why not leave it that way, instead of confusing society. Is it really that big of an issue at this point? Don’t we have more important things to worry about than this? Why should we care about this anyway? If Pluto is all of the sudden no longer considered a planet, will this cause sudden typhoons and earthquakes across our own planet? Just keep it that way. Besides, in my opinion, it is the second coolest named planet in our solar system (just behind Neptune).


Nice Headline
CNN.com has a headline “Bill Gates Pumping Cash Into AIDS-Blocking Gel.” Anybody else find this as funny as I did? Could CNN have used another word instead of “Pumping,” like maybe “donating” or “giving?”


And You’re a Sports Network?
I’ve noticed a lot more dart tournaments on ESPN in recent weeks. It got me to thinkin’. ESPN shows a lot of darts and a lot of poker. Additionally, they show bowling. Should any of these really be considered sports? Are all of these fun? Absolutely. But just because they are fun, and competitive, does this mean they are sports? Competitive eating can be fun and certainly competitive, but surely, this can’t be considered a sport, can it? Where do we draw the line with regards to sports? Is ESPN coming dangerously close to becoming what MTV is to music … or lack thereof? You know, I considered ESPN more of a sports network when they were showing Roller Derby (I was a big fan of the Bay City Rollers).

The Ass Dent

As promised, here is a picture of my car with the ass dent, courtesy of the cable guy. As you may recall, this happened when the cable guy was installing cable internet at my house. He fell off the ladder, onto the roof of my car, and created this rather large dent with his buttocks. He tried to get the dent out with my toilet plunger, to no avail (he even licked the plunger in order to "create suction."). I received a check for $2,000 from their insurance company to repair the damage ... which of course, I never did.

Who Will Carry the Torch?

I know I don’t normally do entire posts that have a sports theme, so I apologize to those of you read my posts and who have no interest in sports whatsoever (please, indulge me for this one time!).

A few days ago, an athlete on a Philadelphia professional sports team called it a career. The press conference was decidedly sad, as the player confessed to playing the sport since the age of 4. He informed us that he has a speech all laid out for this occasion, but didn’t realize that announcing his retirement would be this difficult … he then followed this statement up with something he never ever did while he played – he lost it and began to sob.

Eric Desjardins became a Flyer in 1995 after 6 very good seasons in Montreal. He won a cup for the Canadians, and even had a game in that final in which he scored all three goals for his team. The Flyers traded fan favorite Mark Recchi to the Habs for Desjardins, a what seemed to be potential all-star in Gilbert Dionne (his father was a legend in the game, so why not his son?), and a throw-in player in John LeClair (a player who became the best goal-scorer the Flyers have had since Tim Kerr). This goes down as the greatest trade that GM Bob Clarke has ever made … unfortunately, he has never come close to this kind of move since (a topic for another conversation).

Desjardins helped bring the Flyers back to contention almost overnight, and became the best defenseman on the team for a number of years. Heck, the Flyers were close to winning the cup on a few occasions with him anchoring the team. During his tenure, Desjardins logged an exceptionally high amount of ice-time on defense, mainly because the Flyers were never able to build around him. He never once complained about this.

When Eric Lindros was went through his hissy fit and was sub sequentially banished from the team, the Flyers gave the captaincy to Desjardins. Even though he never wanted to take on the load of being captain, he again, never once complained. He just went out and did his thing.

At times, the Philly fans were harsh to him, saying that he had lost a step. He had many potential excuses for this criticism, but never once posed one. He continued to play the game he loved. Towards the end, he began breaking down, receiving many serious injuries. Like a true warrior, he always fought back. Two seasons ago, he suffered a severe arm injury that should’ve sidelined him for the season. However, he rehabbed as hard as he could to try to help his Flyers finally achieve Lord Stanley’s cup, only to have his arm give out on him again.

I’m sure Eric Desjardins will never get the recognition he deserves in this city. The main reason was that he was never full of himself, and never showed off. He was content with just playing the game and leaving it at that. Unfortunately, the Jeremy Roenicks and Brett Hulls of the world will always be remembered more than the guys who never made a ripple in the headlines. I just wanted to write and say that I appreciated what Eric Desjardins gave us in Philly.

I’m sure Eric will make the Philadelphia Flyers Hall of Fame someday. I doubt he’ll have his number retired, considering the Flyers did not retire Mark Howe’s number, and in my opinion, he was the best defenseman that ever suited up in the orange and black (funny, Howe was also a player who shied away from the spotlight – go figure).

Stoppage Time

Stoppage Time


A Band?
Did you know that I am in a band? Neither did I. But, Ink and Stone has apparently put together some sort of surf rock band, and apparently, I’m one of the guitarists. “Does Los even play guitar,” you may ask. Actually, I do … well, I try at least. I’ve been practicing on acoustic guitar for about 8 months now, basically doing an online training. I’m a very long way away from being part of any legitimate band, but I like where Ink and Stone is going with the picture he made. Maybe this will motivate me to learn other songs besides “When the Saints Come Marching In.”

Notes to Self:

• Don’t sweat the petty things … and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• You don’t sing better in the shower, even though you think you do.
• Drinking beer does not make you smarter.


Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:“Why don’t you want to go to Chick-Fil-A … chicken?”

Quote of the Week:
"I'm so white, I create problems on dance floors." I had to go to the archives for this one, because I don’t remember any funny quotes from any of my friends … slackers. I said this doozy in March, well, because it’s true. I can do the Mick Jagger dance … and that’s about it.

Movie Duds

I am so behind with all of these summer blockbusters that are out. I’m at a loss as to which movie(s) to go and see. There are so many out right now that are piquing my interest (yes, I had to use a spell checker on that word). I haven’t even seen Superman, and I am dying to see Talladega Nights. You know, there was a time, not all that long ago, when I used to go to the movies all the time. I would easily go to the movies 15-20 times a summer … of course, that was back when it didn’t cost $10 to see a movie. When one sees that many movies, one will find great movies, and one will find absolutely terrible movies. With that said, here is a list of the five worst movies I had the “pleasure” of seeing in the movie theatre:

5. Toys – This movie came out around the time when Robin Williams was red-hot. He had just starred in such critically acclaimed movies as Awakenings, Cadillac Man, The Fisher King, and Hook (yes, it wasn’t awesome, but I’m pretty sure Disney made a ton on that one). Surely, Toys would deliver the goods, I thought. After all, it was a movie about a huge toy company, and Robin Williams played the owner’s son – how could this one possibly miss? I remember reading the reviews the day it came out, and to say that they were negative would be kind. I decided that the critics had their heads up their asses, and went to see it anyway. Sadly, the critics were dead-on. I’m not sure how many times I yawned or looked at my watch during this train-wreck (actually, it would’ve been at least exciting to watch a train wreck, this one was more like a long-winded sermon at church that nearly two hours). The story was hokey at best, and the actors were either miscast or simply mailed in their “performances.” The most annoying character was Joan Cusack’s character – this was the one we all were supposed to laugh with and relate to, but as the movie went on, I was hoping she would be tragically killed by a flaming 600-pound teddy-bear.

4. Joe vs. the Volcano – Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? Sign me up! Sure, these two wouldn’t truly hit it big together until a few years later with Sleepless in Seattle, but this had to be a good start, right? Not even close. This was the first movie I ever walked out on. I had to slap myself quite a few times just to stay awake. The plot was ludicrous (When a hypochondriac learns that he is dying, he accepts an offer to throw himself in a volcano at a tropical island, and along the way there, learns to truly live – from IMDB.com). Additionally, Meg Ryan played a couple of different characters, none of which were remotely endearing. Hanks wasn’t so bad, but not even he could save this one.

3. Betsy’s Wedding – This was during the tail-end of Molly Ringwald’s run as “that girl on those teen movies that isn’t really that attractive, but for some reason I still want to bone her.” This movie got me over that obsession. The plot was thinner than the thongs that Paris Hilton wears. Plus, Alan Alda played a main role, and let’s just say he didn’t quite bring back any memories of Hawkeye Pierce. With other actors like Madeline Kahn, Joe Pesci, and Catherine O’Hara in it, one would think this movie could get by on acting alone. Not the case. This movie is so bad, you would be hard pressed to find it playing on the WB on Saturday afternoon. Thankfully, I got see this one for free, as the girl I was seeing worked at the theatre. However, I will never get those two hours back.

2. Quiz Show/The Englishman That Went Up The Hill, But Came Down The Mountain – If they would’ve just kept both of these as documentaries, I would’ve happily watched them on the History Channel. Unfortunately, some movie producers had the bright idea of making both of these into movies. Even more unfortunate was the fact that I went to see both of these movies. My eyes welled with tears of boredom, as I sat trapped like a prisoner trying desperately to stay awake and sane throughout both of these yawners.

1. That Darn Cat – This has got to be the worst movie ever made. To top it off, it was a remake of a Disney movie from 1965 starring that “loveable” Disney whore, Dean Jones. For one reason or another, some executive at Disney (must’ve been that schmuck, Eisner), gave the green-light to go ahead and redo this festering pile of movie sludge. Normally, I wouldn’t even consider going to see something this obviously pathetic, but my girlfriend at the time insisted we go (it was a compromise – we would go see this, and then go and see Howard Stern’s Private Parts). I couldn’t even tell what the plot was, because it was erased from my memory almost immediately. However, I did decide to look it up on IMDB.com, and noticed that Disney once again allowed Dean Jones to have a part in this flick (Just swallowed some vomit after realizing this). Other actors who appeared in this fart-stain, and who obviously were either intoxicated or desperate for work, included Peter Boyle, Christina Ricci, Michael McKean, and John Ratzenberger. As the movie ended, my girlfriend looked at me and said, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I almost punched her in the throat (I would never hit a girl, but I don’t think anybody would blame me).

Stoppage Time (Part 2)

I’m gone a friggin’ week, and all of this shite happens:

• I’m guessing most (if not all) of you have heard something about the Mel Gibson meltdown that happened last week (Some of you have probably even written about it). I figured I’d at least add my two cents, even though I’m sure it’s old news already. I used to think that Mel was a cool guy – he had the looks (no, I’m not gay), and had some really cool movies (The Lethal Weapon series). What happened to this guy? Not only did he decide to go Kevin Costner on us (making his own movies), but then, he inexplicably went Pat Robertson and Nick Nolte on us in the same night. Personally, I bet that this is a publicity stunt for his upcoming movie that sounds about as interesting as the Tony Danza show. But still, why would a guy this popular risk it all by making ridiculous anti-Semitic comments? Mel, sometimes it’s better not to rock the boat. I get this feeling that Gibson and Tom Cruise may be in an ABC sitcom by 2010.

• Bobby Abreu and Corey Lidle were traded by the Phils last week, and dang it all if they didn’t start winning. Isn’t it funny how a team responds when you take some of the negative, lazy piles of dung out of the locker room? Shame they didn’t make this kind of move in the offseason.

• The U.S. and France somehow came up with a peace treaty for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Umm, how the hell did these two work together to do anything positive? I wouldn’t have been more surprised if I had woken up with my face stapled to the carpet.

• Thankfully, football season starts tonight … sure, it is just a preseason game, but now we can finally focus our attention away from the three-ringed circus at Citizen’s Bank Park, and watch some gridiron entertainment. Additionally, tonight starts the unofficial fantasy scouting for about 150 million Americans. Gotta love gambling!

Holy Heat-Wave, Batman!

I am finally back from vacation (or holiday for you readers in the UK), and I know it is a bit cliché, but I can’t believe the week went by so quickly. It honestly feels like just a few days ago, we were packing the car, and on our way to the Outer Banks. If only work went by so quickly.

Just some quick thoughts about the vacation:
• We had a heat index of over 115 for about 4 days in Kill Devil Hills. At times, it was absolutely stifling. Thank goodness we had a pool where we were staying, because if we didn’t, I probably would’ve just watched tv inside all week.

• The restaurants in the Outer Banks are incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever had soup that was better than the stuff they make down there.

• I’m not sure if this is true or not, but I think it is o.k. for guys to drink frozen drinks when temperatures reach 100 degrees. They were refreshing when even the breeze wasn’t helping.

• Remember that suggestion I made regarding having options for breakfast sides instead of just home-fries? Well, The Outer Banks restaurants give you options - hopefully, this trend will gain force and make its way to Philly. If not, I encourage Smokin’ Steve to open up a “My Big Fat F**kin’ Diner.”

• Mixed drinks seem to taste better in extreme heat, as can be evidenced by the picture of me that I sent to Smokin’ Steve (he was so nice to post it for all of you here: http://mybigfatfkinhead.blogspot.com/). To quickly rehash (I’ll go into more detail in my next post), I had 2 Hurricanes, 2 Margaritas, 4 Long Island Iced Teas (really strong ones, as well), and 2 shots of Jagermeister. This is the face you make after all of those drinks.

• I was shocked that I was able to make it an entire week without a computer. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of doing it, but when you have enough distractions, like a beach, a pool, great food, and alcohol, you can make it through … trust me!


I have a few “Note To Self” tidbits for ya:
• Just because you can’t see your feet, doesn’t mean they won’t get sunburned.

• Even though Long Island Iced Teas tasted really good, doesn’t mean they are not potent.

• Remember to apply sunscreen often on your nose so that Santa doesn’t mistake you for Rudolph.


Quote of the Week:
“There was a time when I thought Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” was the best song ever made. I remember saying to myself, ‘Has Mr. Richie just created the perfect song?’ What other artist could combine a tantalizing soft-reggae groove, quotes like ‘Feel Good, Feel Good,’ and ‘Zombo-litte-Zettimone-ya,’ and mix that with the addictive melody of those horns at the end of the song? I truly wished the length of the song actually mirrored the title of the song, and often thought about e-mailing Mr. Richie to inform him of my thoughts. Of course, once K.C. and The Sunshine Band’s ‘Give It Up,’ was released, I was shocked to discover that Mr. Richie’s song was no longer the best ever.”


Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:
I wonder if that Moose Lodge has any cool “A-moose-ments.”

Stoppage Time

I have come up with a couple more ideas for the Plethora blog this week – some may spin off into their own “column” and some may just be lumped in with the Stoppage Time column. I certainly always appreciate feedback, so let me know what works and what doesn’t.


NOTE TO SELF:
* In the future, when planning to eat barbecued food, please make sure not to wear white shirt.

* You are at an age where you should really stretch before you limbo.

* One of these times, you should really let that pizza or soup sit a few minutes so that you don't burn the roof of your mouth again.

* Next time, in a drunken stupor, do NOT tell anybody that you like the song “It’s Raining Men.”

* A bag of potato chips is not all you need for lunch.

* Just because you don’t like American Idol, doesn’t mean that everybody doesn’t like American Idol. Additionally, it doesn’t’ make them idiots if they like said program.


BAD LOS JOKE OF THE WEEK“If you were a dictator of a country, and you had a wife who's name was Ruth and she died, you'd be a 'ruthless dictator.'" - Now, I didn’t say this gem this week, I said this one a few months ago – but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t say something stupid like this. Now that I have a section of this blog site dedicated to my terrible sense of humor, I will focus on remembering these nuggets (BTW – if you can come up with a better name for this section, please let me know).


STUPID QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Eva Braun, who is that?" "That was Hitler's wife." "Oh, that chick!" - This was a conversation between me and Ink and Stone at work yesterday. I mentioned something about Eva Braun (not really sure why), and he had no idea who that was. The way he said “Oh, that chick!” almost made me shoot soda through my nose. I’m sure Hitler used those same words a few times in his life.

The Gourmet Critic

I was brainstorming ideas to use to make my blogsite more interesting last night – basically I was running out of stories to bore you with. Then, as I was making Chicken Helper, I realized I had the answer in front of me all along. Every now and then, when I try to make/eat something that I have never made/ate before, I can share my experiences, thoughts, and opinions with you (aren’t you lucky?).

Last night was a perfect situation – I have long been a fan of Hamburger Helper and the many delectable options that the brand offers, from the delightfully creamy cheeseburger macaroni, to the succulent beef pasta – Hamburger Helper is affordable, quick, easy, and delicious. However, my wife and I have never delved into the Chicken Helper side of this Betty Crocker mainstay, and since we were curious (and since we haven’t gone grocery shopping in about a month), we decided we would give this one a try.

The actual flavor of choice that we had in our cupboard was Chicken Teriyaki, and we were hoping this concoction/recipe would make Asians around the world proud. I promise I won’t bore you with the details involved in the preparation, other than one needs a pound of chicken breast cut into one-inch pieces, a tablespoon of margarine, and 2 1/3 cups of hot water. The package provides the rice, the Teriyaki-style cooking mixture, and the topping.

Even though I ate my entire allotment of the “bounty,” I must say that Chicken Helper does not live up to the legend of Hamburger Helper. I’m not sure if I prefer the taste and texture of the ground beef/turkey that is normally used with Hamburger Helper products, or if it was the ridiculously poor quality of the rice that was used. Maybe it was the laughably low count of peas used in the Teriyaki seasoning (I counted 3). Whatever the reasons were, I suggest to all to stay with what works – and that, my friends, is Hamburger Helper, and avoid Chicken Helper at all costs (as an aside, I am willing to try Pork Helper or Seafood Helper, for the sake of you – the reader, if Betty Crocker has the balls to release these to the general public).

Rationality Did Finally Prevail!

As you may know, I attended a bachelor party this weekend – one that was sort-of on the disorganized side. That is not a bad thing, because if people aren’t having fun, we can always change the plan (what plan?).

I got over to my brother’s house around 11:30 a.m., and immediately had a beer in my hand – oh this was going to be a long day. We started off by throwing some darts and playing some drinking games – nothing too crazy yet. At about 2:30 p.m., three hours into the drinking, we pack up the cooler and head onto the van (don’t worry, we had a designated driver).

Our first stop was the Phillies game – that’s right, the lowly Phillies. God must’ve been on our side, because the Phillies did NOT lose the game yesterday … however, they did not win the game either. As luck would have it, we god smashed with a massive rain storm. We actually never did make it inside the stadium, we kind of walked up to it, felt the raindrops start coming down, hustled back to the van, and hung out inside there. We were hoping it would stop raining, but when one of the radio announcers said that the Phillies’ batting circle was floating down the third base line, we knew that it was hopeless. Oh, as an aside, I need to know how often the Phillies have their porta-potties cleaned, because the one we were next to smelled like it hadn’t been cleaned … ever. The urine and fecal concoction was just about all the way to the top of the lid, and the smell would probably make dead people wince.

We decided that since we are in the city, we should go to Dave and Buster’s. Man, I’m old. I was looking for the pinball machines, which are no longer there, and I ended up settling in for a couple of games of Donkey Kong (ugh). Finally, I made my way to the bar, had a few Coronas, and played Megatouch.

After Dave and Buster’s we went to Nick’s Roast Beef in Springfield and hung out there for a few hours, before somebody suggested going to Lou Turks. Suddenly, I realized that maybe this could still be a salvageable bachelor party. Lou Turks may not be a very classy place, but thankfully it is a strip joint. Amazingly enough, everybody agreed, and off we went. I’m not saying Lou Turks has many “on-nights,” because if you are a half-decent looking stripper, Lou Turks is not the place for you. However, Saturday night may have been the worst I’ve ever seen at Turks. The ladies looked like they were in their fifties (not a bad thing if you are Cheryl Tiegs), and I swore that one had an Adam’s Apple.

Not satisfied with the “mature” ladies at Turks, we decided to go to another strip joint! Again, I was floored – I expected zero strip joints, and we got two! It was like Christmas in July! We went to a place called the Purple Orchid in a not-so-great part of Philadelphia. I’ve never been to this place, but I’ve heard some stories. Surprisingly enough, the strippers were much younger. Some, however probably could’ve used some time on the treadmill, but hey, who am I to complain about girls stripping in front of me. One of the strippers actually came up to me and thanked me for looking at her, and showing interest in her stripping routine. I told her it’s the least I could do, as I slid a dollar into her cleavage. The groom-to-be was a little uptight at this place, as he basically sunk into the couch during both of his lap dances. One of the strippers said that he was “well behaved.” I’m guessing this is more of an insult than anything else.

We ended the night by going to a couple of local bars. All in all, a fun night.

Stoppage Time

1.I’m going to a bachelor party this weekend, and there is a good chance that I won’t see any fun-bags. No, I’m not blind, silly! But, the bride-to-be apparently is forcing the groom-to-be’s hand (and the best man’s hand, for that matter)! The groom-to-be will probably say something to the effect of “I really didn’t want to go to a strip joint anyway, because I love my fiancé too much.” To that, I say (a) Bulls**t, and (b) can you please ask for your balls back, just for the night? I will still have fun hanging out with the guys, but can one consider it a bachelor party if no dirty pillows are present? To me, that’s just a night hangin’ out with the fellas. Again, I’ll have a good time, but I’m just sayin’ (I’ll still have a good time, even though we are starting out by going to the Phillies game).

2. Because I had lost power for 20+ hours a few days ago, I had to throw out the milk and OJ (no, not the wife-murder). I’ve been eating pop tarts for breakfast the past two days, and I came to a realization – the best Pop Tarts are the ones with the frosting. The ones without frosting are like a date with Janine Garofalo (sp), sure she’ll make you laugh, but you really aren’t that excited about sleeping with her.

3. I just got a new cell phone the other day, and it is absolutely awesome – it has a camera a video camera, and all other kinds of cool gadgets. The only problem is that with my previous cell phone, I accumulated a bunch of cool ring-tones and games, and now I have to start from scratch with the new phone. I am convinced that the “free” tones they give you on the cell phone encourage you to immediately download cooler tones. My phone has tones that make the Paris Hilton song almost enjoyable. Yeah, I need to get some new ring tones.

4. To prove once again that some of my co-workers have entirely too much time on their hands, I want to show you another “creation” from an office-mate (boy, that sounds gay). This is from Ink-And-Stone, and it almost caused me to spit coffee onto my monitor (however, it is posted on Reverse's site) - click here

Electric NIX

Good News – I got my new cell phone yesterday.

Bad News – Shortly after dinner, the power in our house went out, thanks to an approaching storm.

Really Bad News – After 12+ hours, power has still not been restored to my house. I had to sleep in my basement last night, because that was the only place in my house that was cool enough not to induce uncontrollable sweating.

Potentially Grave News – My wife heard that there is a chance that power won’t be restored in my neighborhood until the weekend. Um, seriously??? This wasn’t that bad of a storm – we went through worse 2 weeks ago. What the hell is going on? I have a fish tank – there is no way my tropical fish will survive more than 1 day without proper filtration. My fridge may as well be a trash can if that is the case.

What I’m Gonna Do About It –
·First, I’ll probably have to buy a bunch of ice, and stick anything I can salvage from the fridge and freezer into a cooler.
·Second, I’m going to write PECO a nasty e-mail. I see their shameless self-promotion on TV far too much. Prior to this situation, I didn’t mind too much about it. But after last night, I will only think of PECO in a very negative way. The commercials focus on employees and how they give their all to make sure that we always have power. Well, it’s been 12 hours, and I don’t have any power. I don’t believe your stupid commercials anymore. I want them off the air (which is exactly what is going on at my house … only everything is off the air).
·If the power is still out at my house, I’ll probably have to see if I can sleep over my brother’s house or mom and dad’s house. Joy of joys! What the hell am I gonna do after I get home from work? This is absolutely ridiculous.
·I’ll probably bring in our solar lights from outside to use as night lights. We brought one in last night, and it worked great! Plus, it is safer than candles. Who knew?
·Am I overreacting? Probably. That’s what happens when I get a lack of sleep, and sweat all night.

My friend and office buddy (not in a gay way), Reverse, photo-shopped this picture (the face is mine, in case you are interested). I'm not even sure when that picture was taken, but it is hysterical in a very disturbing kind of way. Check out more of Reverse's office antics here:

Justifying My Suggestion

On Sunday, My wife and I went out to dinner with my cousin and her husband, and my parents. You see, my cousin, my wife, and my mom have been playing cards every other Wednesday for about 2 years – they play small stakes Pinochle, and they have saved the money they raised playing cards in order to take the guys out to dinner (so obviously, I encourage the continued card play).

We chose to go to a German restaurant near Willow Grove named Otto’s (obvious choice, since my parents are very German). Unfortunately, my dad volunteered to drive – he is starting to get up there in age (74), and even though he is still a more than capable driver, he is starting to slip a little. This is especially true when having to go through a toll area with EZ pass lanes. For those of you unfamiliar with EZ Pass, it is a device that is put into your car that automatically pays toll fares via an account that you create. It is a wonderful creating that totally eliminates the need to seek loose change seconds before reaching a toll, in addition to making the whole toll experience faster and easier.

However, my dad does not have an EZ pass. And, this is where the fun ensued. On our way to Otto’s, we took the blue route (Route 476). For some unknown reason, my dad took his Windstar into the left lane of the highway, even though he was barely able to get above 50 mph (one of my biggest pet peeves as a driver is when a slow car enters the passing lane for no apparent reason). My dad was once a relatively fast driver, so I’m guessing he still considers himself one, even though he should be strictly relegated to the far right lane for the sake of everyone’s sanity.

He is in this lane for a good 15-20 minutes, probably contributing considerably to the road rage epidemic in this country. But, unfortunately, that is not the end of my torment. My dad fails to see the 37 signs posted on the highway leading up to the toll area, instructing drivers without EZ pass to use the right lanes. He ends up zipping through EZ pass, and onto the Turnpike – now we have no ticket to give the toll collector at our exit. My dad, of course, does not blame himself, but instead blames PENDOT, because, apparently, 37 signs was not good enough.

We get to the exit, and now he has to explain to the toll collector his error, which now causes a traffic jam at the toll, as the lady takes a picture of his license plate, and has him fill out a sheet. Oh, one more funny thing, my dad is trying to hand her a dollar bill for the toll, and she is repeatedly asking him for his license. He is just giving her this blank glazed over smile while holding the dollar bill out. Now, I’m not sure, if he was hoping she would think he is a foreigner, and just take his dollar to move traffic along, or if he is really starting to lose touch – I’m hoping it is the former and not the latter.

Thankfully, we finally get to Otto’s, and I’m hoping to enjoy some fine German cuisine (yes, it does exist outside of Wisconsin). We get seated, and I notice a buffet – I’ve never seen a German buffet (no, a pot of Bratwurst and sauerkraut does not count as a buffet – that is an Octoberfest). My first instinct was to run – I couldn’t imagine eating dried out Wienerschnitzel (sounds like some kind of gay porn quote). However, much to my surprise, the German buffet was excellent.

Unfortunately, the food didn’t sit in my stomach very well, mainly because my dad had to drive us back home. This brings me to my final point. For years, I have suggested that separate roads be built for the elderly, complete with either cushions on the sides of the roads or those bumpers from bumper bowling. Additionally, these roads should probably have a rest stop every 1-2 miles, and complimentary Geritol included at each rest stop. Sadly, my dad probably would qualify to take these roads (if they were around).

Gonna Make Ya Sweat.

It has been a sweltering weekend in the city of Brotherly Love – hot enough to make your balls stick to the side of your legs (didn’t come up for one for the ladies, but if you have one, you are more than welcome to post). These are the days you thank God for air conditioning.

I decided to mow the lawn after work on Friday, and it is a good thing I did, because one can barely breathe, it is so hot outside. Sure enough, in a couple of days, we will be hearing stories of heat-related deaths – probably most coming from South Philly homes that don’t even have fans in them.

These are the days when all you feel like doing (if you do not have access to a pool) is sit in front of a television set, and hope to God that you don’t have to suffer through an 1990’s Chevy Chase movies (with the exception of Vegas Vacation – that one wasn’t too bad).

Barbecues during this time of year are the worst. I went to one yesterday, and for the most part, it wasn’t too bad. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy hanging around with friends, eating charred flesh, and drinking booze. But, when your body is spitting out sweat at an uncontrollable rate, things tend to get a little uncomfortable.

Last night, it felt like a sauna. The haze didn’t let up, even hours after the sun went down. Luckily, I remembered to bring a second t-shirt, because the first one was wetter than Paris Hilton at a sausage party (I know, that one was low). But, hey, I’d rather sweat like that than be working.

Electric Six!!!!!

As promised, here are my thoughts and observations regarding the Electric Six concert at the Khyber in Philly a few nights ago.

• First and foremost, I want to thank Smokin’ for agreeing to go with me to the concert. We had sort of a man-date (not that there’s anything wrong with that). It was good to hang out with Smokin’ again, as we sometimes get too busy to see our friends.

• Smokin’ introduced me to Indian food – we stopped by this little place on 2nd and Chestnut, and I gotta tell ya, I enjoyed the experience, and look forward to partaking in more sometime in the near future. The Naan was good, as was the Chicken Taton (I’m sure I butchered that one).

• I have never seen a rock concert in a sauna … until last night. The Khyber is a cozy place to see a band play, but man, does somebody need to install/fix the air conditioning! The smell of 100’s of people’s sweat can take away from a show.

• The first band we saw was a local group called The Distance. I’m guessing they are relatively new to the scene, as their stage presence was a little lacking. They did have a nice pop/punk sound, and seemed like generally good guys.

• The second group was called Priestess, and they seemed to be polar opposites of the first band. If the lead singer had bitten a bat’s head off on stage, I wouldn’t have been surprised. That being said, the group, from Montreal (don’t hold it against them), had some major talent. They had two great guitar players who were able to weave in and out of lead and rhythm guitar seamlessly, and the drummer was an absolute madman. I would say that they reminded me of a mix between Gwar and Dio (if that is possible). A side note, my ears are still ringing from them. I should’ve known they were going to be loud when they started setting up the columns of amps.

• Electric Six was incredibly entertaining. I really hope these guys make it. They definitely have the sound. The lead singer is not your normal lead singer, in that he doesn’t dress the part. He had short hair, and a buttoned shirt on. Additionally, he clowned around the stage the entire night, which was very entertaining (I love it when a band member, especially a lead singer, isn’t full of himself). The guy was quick-witted, especially during one song when the drummer’s base pedal broke. Almost immediately, the lead singer asked if either Priestess or The Distance had packed their gear up. Then, he went on to ask if Hall and Oates were around (originally from Philly). THEN, he asked if Allen Iverson was in the building, and if so, if he had a base-pedal with him. Then, he started imitating Iverson, saying something along the lines of “We’re talkin’ about base-pedal, here!” I had heard he was a little on the weird side months ago, and he definitely fit the bill, in a good way. He later was talking about his drummer, who was a local guy from King of Prussia, and proclaimed to the audience “My drummer is a strip mall!” Funny stuff.

• I had no idea that Pabst actually sold beer in bottles.

• On the drive home, I realized it was 12:45 a.m. At this point, I said to Smokin’, “I can’t wait to get up for work later this morning.” Believe me, I was cursing fire when the alarm went off at 6:30 a.m.

• All in all, a great show, and when they come back, I hope they can go to a bigger venue, like maybe the TLA or the Troc, or maybe the Wachovia Center (if they get big enough).

Things I hate!

20 Things I Hate:

1. That many restaurants only offer home fries as a side for breakfast dishes – I hate home fries. I think they are purely filler, because restaurants don’t want to give us a plate full of just eggs and meat. I propose that ALL restaurants give you a choice of sides in addition to the home fry, such as French fries, hush puppies, tater tots, or grits. This would make me a happy camper.

2. Philly Radio sucks – If you are looking for cool new modern rock music, this is not the place for you. If you are looking for Zeppelin, Metallica, Ozzy, and Audioslave, you’ll hear one of these groups about every 5 minutes. It’s sickening.

3. I will agree with all the other bloggers with regards to the lack of use of turn signals. I especially hate it with people who are making left-hand turns! Frustrates the hell out of me – I’m sorry, not all of us have developed ESP.

4. The WNBA – no offense to the ladies, but I would rather watch golf, than watch women repeatedly miss layups (I get that enough with the Sixers).

5. People Who Buy Hummers in and around Philadelphia. Are you guys and gals serious????? Are there really that many hills and mountains in the city? If so, I must be missing them. All I know is that they clog up the streets, and guzzle the gas. I hope that all of you who thought you were cool when you bought the Hummer are now pissed that it costs you $379 everytime you have to fill up your tank.

6. These companies that are masking their telemarketing efforts via these “hey, just calling to see how you are doing” phone calls. My cable company has started doing this – I know what you are up to, you maggots! Knock it off!

7. NASCAR – I’ll never figure it out.

8. How Brad Gilbert got another TV show after Everybody Loves Raymond ended. How did this show stay on the air so long? Who was the guy in charge that said, “Yes, we need to give Brad his own show, he deserves it?” How does this guy still have a job?

9. American Idol – Why do you lemmings continue to watch this show? Are you that obsessed with wedding singers?

10. The Phillies Ownership – seriously guys, just sell the team. Nobody trusts you, likes you, nor sympathizes with your phony plight. You’ve made all the money you can, and you’re going to start losing money soon, if you continue to take that giant dump on the field like you have in recent years.

11. Barry Bonds – Please, leave us and our baseball records alone, you big-headed cancer.

12. Ham – I can’t stand it! If you are making ham for dinner and inviting me over, please (a) have some standby food item, or (b) don’t invite me (I won’t mind).

13. Paris Hilton – Now it’s music. When will we get to see her wafy body on a movie screen (and not in a porno house)?

14. High Gas Prices – I’m not sure who to blame, and I know there are many suspects, but I just can’t stand these high prices. I’d rather spend the money on booze.

15. Ladies wrestling on the WWE – Look, I know that many of these women are very talented and very beautiful, but it really is a dropoff, when the ladies are out there wrestling (especially if the clothes stay on). They should be relegated to managing wrestlers.

16. QVC – You may have read my blog entry from a few posts ago. This is what happens when I don’t get my microwave!

17. TV commercials that aren’t funny – If you want me to pay attention to your product, then you better make me laugh. I don’t like your serious Allstate commercials with Cerano from Major League, and I don’t like your poor attempts at humor (Miller Lite and Taco Bell). Make me laugh, dammit!!!!

18. That construction going on right near the airport on I-95 and also the construction going on at 5th and Market Street (in and near Philly). Guys, it’s been over a year (actually, closer to 2 years with 5th and Market). Skyscrapers get built in less time. What the hell is your problem?

19. T.O. – Instant Karma will get you, Mr. Owens. And when it does, you better have a shovel with you, because it’s gonna take you months to dig your way out from under that big steamy pile of sh*t.

20. George Steinbrenner – he single-handedly ruined baseball for many cities (like Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, etc.) with his bottomless pocket-book. Actually, I’m probably more jealous than mad – the ownership in Philly is a travesty.


By the way, I'll tag Reverse and Ink and Stone for this one. Your turn, boys!

Stoppage Time

Stoppage Time

Just a few more thoughts creeping through my brain.

· Whatever happened to Pop-Up Video? I loved that show – finding interesting facts about bands and their songs. I guess since VH1 and MTV don’t really play music videos anymore, there was no need for Pop-Up video.

· And speaking of which, why is MTV still called MTV? Do they play music anymore? That’s like Burger King ending their practice of selling burgers. Ridiculous if you ask me.

· I was actually rooting against Ryan Howard in the Home-Run derby, mainly because I didn’t want the Phillies to have any positive moments that they could promote the hell out of while their team is 7 games below .500.

· Barry Bonds might be indicted on perjury charges as early as next week. I would love to see this guy behind bars, sharing a cell with a guy named Bubba who loves big-headed jerks that wear a huge elbow-shield.

· The Eagles start training camp in less than 12 days – finally, we can stop pretending to watch sports when the Phillies are on.

· Smokin’ and I are going to the Khyber in Philly tonight to see Electric Six. I will give a full recap of our “experience” on Friday.

The Good, The Bad, and the French

Congratulations go out to Italy for winning their first World Cup since 1982, and their fourth overall. Not many believed they even had a chance after the goal-fixing scandal that took place in the Italian league this past season – but they were able to block all of that out, and play sound soccer throughout the tournament, winning an incredible semi-final game against the equally surprising Germans, and then outlasting the French in the finals.

Here are some of my thoughts about the final:

1. First, and foremost, the best header of the entire cup took place when Zidane rammed his noggin into an Italian player’s chest. The French will probably make him the leader of their military, as physical aggressiveness like this hasn’t been shown by a Frenchman since Napoleon was in charge.

2. All kidding aside, this ridiculous play by a captain like Zidane will probably ruin his legacy in World Cup soccer lore. A display this putrid by a captain of a sports team hasn’t been displayed since Lindros slept with Brind’amour’s wife.

3. I think settling a World Cup final (or any World Cup elimination) by penalty-kicks is embarrassing – it should be settled on the pitch. I’ll go into my potential solutions later on.

4. Germany played a great host for this cup – hopefully distancing themselves even further from the bad images that some still think of when they think of Germany.

5. Although soccer will probably never really catch on in the United States, it was nice to see high viewership in this country – even from part-time (or hardly ever) soccer fans.


It is obvious that there are still some major issues that FIFA has to deal with in order to increase the pace and enjoyability of the game. Below, I will go into some of the problems that I see, and potential solutions:

1. The dives that players take have been getting out of hand for a number of years. You know it is a problem when you hear of players and teams practicing them. It takes away from the fun of the game, and could be a major reason why the game is lagging in the United States. Players drop to the ground as if they were shot by a machine gun, even with the slightest of touches (sometimes not even touched). Even thought FIFA has stressed to the referees that they can give cards to players they think are doing this, not a single card was given this World Cup to a dive. This is unacceptable. I can’t fully blame the refs, because one cannot expect a ref to see everything on the pitch. So, here are a couple of solutions to remedy this:

a. Have officials watch video of each of the games after they have ended, and award yellow cards to any person that flamboyantly dove in the game. This will have an immediate reduction of dives (especially from those stinkin’ Argentineans and Portuguese). As some of you know, that once a person gets a yellow card, a second yellow card causes an immediate one-game suspension.

b. Have officials in the stands watch the game, and radio down any dives to the referee on the field. This way, a yellow card can be immediately given to the player.

c. Have a second referee on the field who can see a different angle and may be able to help the first referee determine dives (or have an extra referee behind the goal at either end, so that they can see potential dives at angles the regular referee can’t).

2. Offsides traps are being employed more and more (the Germans were masters of this). It slows the game down immensely, and takes away potentially big plays. FIFA wants more scoring, and this is how this can be achieved - eliminate offsides on any free kicks (direct kicks, indirect kicks, and corner kicks). This will allow the players more open space to make plays.

3. Penalty kicks are a ludicrous way to decide meaningful games. In elimination round matches, some other means to crown a victor must be used. Sure, penalty kicks are really exciting, but a hard fought game being decided by this is deflating. This is probably the most difficult issue to solve. I have given it some thoughts, and this is what I have come up with:

a. After the overtime session, reduce the number of players to 8-on-8 – this will open the field tremendously, and should eliminate some of the clogging play (also, give each team an extra 2 substitutions for this session). This part of the game should have no time-limit, and should only be decided by the first team that scores.

b. Rather than doing two 15-minute overtimes, go with 2 30-minute overtimes (with each team getting an additional substitute). This may not solve anything, especially if the teams are tired, but I just think the current structure is not long enough.

c. Eliminate the goal keepers after the two overtimes – or do not allow them to use their hands at all. Yes, I know this is extreme, but I’m just trying to think outside the box.

d. Eliminate all offsides after the two overtimes. Again, it might be extreme, but I am trying to come up with something.

I encourage any of you who have any ideas to share them with me. If you don’t care about soccer – I’m sorry – I’ll have a non-soccer-related post midweek. See you in South Africa for World Cup 2010!

To the Cor-zine

I never thought I’d see the day when a state would close down all of its casinos for budgetary reasons (I know that casinos were closed down south because of Hurricane Katrina’s devastation – but that is obviously a different situation). I’m not sure how to react to this – I’m not a heavy gambler, so it doesn’t really affect me at all. But, I do know that casinos make a lot of money for state governments, and it is probably in their best interests to make sure they stay open.

Corzine (the governor of New Jersey), basically decided that in order to balance the budget, he needed to be serious – and what better way than to hit the legislators where it counts … in the casinos. I must confess that I don’t know too much about this situation, other than Corzine was hell-bent on balancing the budget, lower property taxes, and that he wanted to raise the state sales tax 1% in order to do these things. I’m not a big fan of raising state sales taxes, since I work in New Jersey and sometimes buy things there.

One thing that I am impressed with is that Corzine went against his own political party with this one – Even if the person is doing the wrong thing, I get excited when a person in office goes against his/her political party (and the opposition), because in my mind, this means less partisan politics – the devil of all government.

The state of Pennsylvania is going to be getting some slot parlors in the next few years, and I’m eager to see how the city of Philadelphia wastes…er…spends the money that they get for this. John Street can’t get these casinos up quick enough so that he can pay for his and all of his family’s retirement. One thing is for sure, Street would never lockout the casinos if he was governor, because money is his middle name (and first name, and last name … although it is hyphenated with corruption).

Gone Fishin'

Whoever said a bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work was probably not somebody who enjoys their job. Personally, I don’t like nor hate my job – I have good days and I have bad days. Why am I talkin’ about this? Because I went fishing today – an annual thing my family likes to do.

We go to Fortescue, New Jersey – a place that has named itself “The Weakfish Capital of the World.” With a nickname like this, one would expect to maybe catch some weakfish on a fishing trip, and maybe this was the case once. However, thanks to overfishing and commercial fishing, you probably have a better chance of catching a weakfish in the desert. But, I digress.

I woke up this morning at around 4:15 a.m. To give you a little perspective, a few nights before this, I went to sleep about this time (actually, passed out). Birds outside could still be heard snoring … yeah, it was early. I made my way to Wawa to pick up a cup of coffee and a sandwich. My dad promptly picked me up at my house at 5:00 a.m. For most of the ride down to Fortescue, we were the only car on the road – basically, the traffic report on KYW consisted of “Back to our studios.”

We got to Fortescue around 6:15 a.m. – about 1 hour before the boat left. My dad insists on getting there early because he is a freak like that. The captain of the boat was shocked to see customers at such an early hour. But hey, better early than late, I guess.

The water was a little choppy at first, but thankfully it was overcast and not too humid – we went last year, and the bay was boiling … yep, it was a tad hot. In the 7 hours on this vessel, I was able to catch 3 fish – two flounder and one croaker …. All three of which were far too small to keep. It seemed as if everyone else on the boat was able to catch some sort of keeper, which was slightly disheartening to me. I think of myself as a pretty good fisherman, but today I sucked more than the Phillies did in June (hey-yo).

When we came back to shore, the heavens opened, and we were instantly soaked. I quickly cleaned my dad’s fish (yes, even my dad outfished me today – something that probably hasn’t happened since I was 7 … but, I’m not bitter). The ride home was certainly more eventful than the ride down, thanks to the buckets of water repeatedly hitting the pavement.

So yes, this qualified as a bad day of fishing for me. But, you know what? It was indeed better than a good day of work. Ah, those smart philosophers.

The Red Rocker Can Still Rock ... Sort of.

As promised, I am providing you a review of the Sammy Hagar concert that took place at the Tweeter Center in Camden, New Jersey last night. We arrived in the parking lot at about 4:00 p.m., and tailgated on an absolutely gorgeous afternoon. Our illustrious tailgate consisted of beer, water, hot dogs, burgers and chips – a standard tailgating concoction.

By the time 7:30 rolled around, we were nice and buzzed, and made our way to the venue. The Tweeter Center is an awesome place for a concert in the summer time, with out-door seating (for the cheaper tickets – which of course, we purchased). We made our way to one of the outdoor bars, and had some of those Cabo-Wabo tequilas, which were delicious and highly alcoholic (which is what we expected for $10 a drink).

Finally, we made our way to the lawn, and anticipated a kick-ass concert by Sammy. The first set was o.k. at best. It mainly consisted of Sammy’s solo stuff, of which I new maybe 5 songs. I do have 3 Sammy albums including two greatest hits albums (yes, Sammy actually does have two greatest hits albums). I’m guessing Sammy wanted to play deeper cuts instead of the traditional songs. They were good, but it was tough for me to get into it.

He took a break, and when he came back, Michael Anthony (the bass player of Van Halen) joined him, and the music and energy immediately picked up. They played song after song of Van Hagar classics, and even threw in a Dave song – Running With The Devil, that Michael Anthony sang. They ended with a bit of a shocker – Fight For Your Right to Party (of course, done by the Beastie Boys).

Now, normally, one would think Sammy would come out with an encore. But, I guess since he did two sets, he decided not to. I enjoy encores, and he had quite a few Van Hagar classics left to whoop the crowd into a frenzy … however, he never came back. That was a big letdown for me. YOU HAVE TO DO ENCORES! FANS EXPECT THEM! I’m also guessing since the turnout was rather low (I’m going to estimate maybe 3,000 fans were there, and the place can easily hold 8,000), Sammy decided not to “waste his energy.” Again, ALWAYS DO AN ENCORE, EVEN IF YOU ARE PLAYING IN FRONT OF 100 PEOPLE!!!!

Oh well, it was cool to have the run of the Tweeter Center – it was easy to get drinks, and there were absolutely no lines for the bathrooms – unheard of! I even decided to pee in the ladies room, just because – a first for me.

All in all, the show was good, but definitely not the best that I’ve seen from Sammy (I saw him a couple of years ago when he toured with Dave, and he absolutely brought the house down – maybe because there might have been some sort of underlying competition between the two former lead singers of VH).