Stoppage Time

T. Who?
It was enjoyable to watch yet another chapter in T.O.’s book, “How to Dismantle a Team” last night. Owens only caught 3 balls, and none of them were very meaningful, but the cameras caught him yelling at just about everybody on the sidelines … I bet Parcels asked Owens’s doctor to up the dosage just in case. Funny how T.O. has the “balls” to yell at everybody on his team EXCEPT for Parcels. I bet coach was secretly hoping that T.O. would’ve approached him, because I bet Parcels would’ve given him a Stone Cold Stunner for his efforts. High comedy! And if you didn’t catch it, T.O. threw his quarterback under the bus at the press conference afterwards, saying something to the effect of “You guys saw the game …. I wasn’t the one pulling the trigger.” Can’t wait until T.O. accuses Bledsoe of being gay. I sincerely hope that the Cowboys spiral downward because of this one.

Let’s See Who Else I can Offend ...
I was at the bar watching the Eagles game last night, and two people (in their early 20’s) walked in with T.O. jerseys. Seriously, guys, what was your motivation? You walk into a Philly bar with those jerseys on, you are probably looking for a fight … thankfully, (A) the people at the bar totally ignored them, and (B) the Eagles won. I did wonder out loud if the kid had run out to purchase an Eric Stahl jersey after the Carolina Hurricanes won the cup, or if he had a John Garland White Sox jersey, but got rid of it because they didn’t make the playoffs this season. What a tool.

What’s The Deal?
Are air-conditioning and heater repair people just like the cable people? The reason I ask this is because I had to take off work today to wait for the repair guy to give my heater a check-up … sure, this task only takes about 20 minutes or so, HOWEVER the repair guy said he would be at my house sometime between 11 and 4. Great, thanks for ruining the middle part of my day, dickhead. Not that I don’t mind staying home from work, but I can’t really go anywhere, because I gotta wait for the guy with plumber’s butt to fondle my heater.

F the Yankees
By the way, congrats to the Detroit Tigers for eliminating the most despicable team in sports, the New York Yankees. Anytime I can see Steinbrenner upset, it’s a wonderful moment. Plus, it is good to see Jim Leyland doing a great job as manager for Detroit, because the Phillies ignored him when he openly asked to manage the ball club. Now, Steinbrenner is panicking, and will probably fire the only guy on that team that is likeable… Joe Torre. Good work, boss. Maybe you should just up the payroll to $300 million and get it over with, you jerk.

Stoppage Time

What About Philly?
I was listening to a song by the Living Things this morning called “Bom-Bom-Bom.” It is a very cool song, but one thing really bothers me about it. Now, it’s not anything about the music, the band, or the singer. No, my beef is really a stupid one. During one part of the song, the lyrics go, “I said: No NYC, Los Angeles … No Saint Louis … no New Orleans.” I was miffed by these lyrics, because they did not include “Philly” in them. Why does this bother me so much? I’m sure nobody else cares that “Detroit,” or “Akron” wasn’t mentioned in the song, so why does it affect me so much? Is it because of the lack of sports championships that makes me feel this way? Maybe it’s because New York is like Philly’s big brother, getting all the accolades and acclaim, while Philly gets pushed into the background (sitting at the “little-city’s” table during holiday dinners). Maybe it’s me – maybe I’ve sniffed too much glue in the past, that trivial things like this bother me. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this?

Another Thing That Annoys Me for Inexplicable Reasons:
Let me first apologize to friends and family who read this blog and have done this in the past – the best part about living in this country is that we can all basically decide on our own what is cool and what is not cool. One thing that I really find uncool is when fathers name their kids after themselves (such as John, John, Jr. and so on). Seriously, do you really have that big of an ego that you have to eliminate your son’s individuality by naming him the same name as you? You know, you could’ve just have given that honor to his middle name, you pompous egotistical jerks. Please, spare me the reasoning, I don’t want to hear it. Why don’t you just go name that tree in your front yard after yourself, and be done with it … phew, I feel better.

Seriously, You Pedestrians are Really Starting to Get on my Nerves:
Look, I have no problems with normal pedestrians – you know, the ones that follow the rules – cross when the light is green, walking a little more briskly across certain crosswalks – that sort of thing. But you other ones, the ones that think that the world is named after them, the ones who pretend that cars don’t even exist – you guys are assholes, and I debated about using that term because I know it gives assholes a bad name. C’mon, humor me – why not just place a mattress in the middle of the busy intersection and take a nap. You do realize that a lot of the traffic problems that you complain about on a regular basis are because of your ignorant slow ass that takes his/her time to cross the street, don’t you? Or are you oblivious to everything? Wow, now I REALLY feel better.

“Song I Can’t Seem To Stop Playing” of the Week:
Bones by the Killers. I bought their new cd, Sam’s Place this week, and while I’ll probably need to give it a few spins before I can give a fair assessment of it, I just can’t seem to stop playing the song Bones. It’s definitely more bubble-gum poppy, but the horns in the main chorus are so addicting – just this morning I listened to the song five times in a row. Download this from I-Tunes immediately.


Best Bargain of the Week:
I bought a 5+ whole beef tenderloin at $3.99 a pound, and the butcher even cut it for free! I’m not sure why I’m so happy about this. I can’t talk enough about great deals, especially when I partake in them. I’m such a grocery shopping whore.

Stupid Los Joke of the Week:
“That’s odd.” “Like the number three?” Ink said the first comment during one of our conversations (all of our conversations are odd), so I had to add the zinger in, because that’s just the way I am.

“The Quote That Basically Sums it all Up” of the Week:
“There’s good things about it, and there’s bad things about it. I choose to see the bad things about it today.” Ink, obviously in a bad mood.

“That’s What She Said” Quote of the Week:“
You have to keep your manhood in there.” If you read this, you probably are thinking to yourself, there is no way that the person who uttered this wasn’t talking about sex … Well, actually, B really wasn’t talking about “bumpin’ uglies” when he came up with this knee-slapper.

Los and Smoke, Episode 3

This is the podcast that accompanies the blog from earlier in the week. A lot of things get "revealed." Enjoy!


Click here to get your own player.

Not Such a Hot Idea ...

After learning how stupid I can be by reading the previous post, you are all probably wondering what other stupid things I’ve done in my life. Thankfully, for you, there are many, many stories I can share with you, and perhaps I’ll continue to share them from time to time (if you’re good). This particular story that I’m about to share should give you a better understanding about my “stupid boundaries,” and whether or not they exist.

Two years ago, my brother had an Independence Day barbecue/party at his house. As luck would have it, he had an ample supply of beer and Jagermeister handy, and I, being a proper guest, indulged in both of these. So, by the time the sun went down, and fireworks were being shot off, I was inebriated enough to partake in the festivities. Fortunately, my brother only had sparklers available, so that major travesties could be avoided.

Unfortunately, my brother, probably against better judgment, handed me a lit sparkler. Now, I’m not sure if it was because of “liquid courage,” or just plain alcoholic stupidity, I came to a most regrettable decision in which I was going to attempt to put out the sparkler with my fingers. Again, I’m not sure how I came up with this brilliant idea … in fact, I’m not even sure if I was thinking at all by this point.

To make sure that no harm would be done, I licked said fingers. This should more than protect me against the molten sparkler, I surmised. Predictably, I burnt a hole in my thumb, but the alcohol had done a nice job of numbing the pain (and intelligence). Apparently, the inebriation prevented me from reasoning with myself – when sober, I know that molten metal can approach temperatures of 2500 degrees, but when intoxicated, I believe that mucous can protect skin from these high temperatures.

My big hope anytime I do something this moronic is that I have taught people valuable life-lessons, and I truly hope this has helped you out as well. No need to thank me.

How Did You Find Those????

An interesting weekend all-around, but not because of all the household chores that we did this weekend. I won’t bore you with the details about how we power-washed and stained our deck, because this will either (A) put you to sleep, or (B) force you never to come to this blog site again. By the way, I absolutely HATE lattice now, because staining lattice is about as much fun as going to a Catholic wedding.

What made it interesting was that in cleaning the house, my wife happened to find some naked pictures of an ex-girlfriend that I had totally forgotten about. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you, this is probably something you don’t want to have happen to you.

A normal (crazy) woman probably would’ve freaked out more than Jennifer Aniston did when she found out that her husband was dumping her for Angelina Jolie. Thankfully, my wife is generally a level-headed person, and even though she was slightly miffed at me for this, she found it more humorous than anything else. In fact, she wants to “discuss” this incident on our next podcast (shameless self-promotion).

Obviously, this podcast should be very intriguing, as my wife won’t discuss with me exactly what she is going to say about this “experience.” In my defense, I totally forgot I still even had these pictures – it’s probably been close to 10 years since I last saw them. They were taken (by me) when I was in college, more as a joke than anything else. Certainly, there was never an intention to have my wife find these.

My question to all of you is this. Have you ever either photographed/videotaped your girlfriend/boyfriend naked, OR have you ever had this done to you? Don’t worry, if you are embarrassed, you don’t have to reveal this. I just thought it would be an interesting topic of discussion. If you did do this, have the pictures been destroyed?

Stoppage Time

Who Would You Choose?

I wanted to open up an ongoing “discussion” my friends and I have had to you, the blogging community, to get your opinions on this most important topic. I’m sure you’ve probably heard of this before, and possibly even argued about it as well. If you were to put together the perfect 5-piece rock and roll band (1 drummer, 1 bass player, 1 rhythm guitarist, one lead guitarist, and one lead singer), who would you choose? Here are my choices:

Drummer – This is a tough one, but I would choose Neil Peart from Rush. His skills are undeniable, he keeps a flawless beat, and nails the intensity of every song.

Base – John Entwhistle, recently departed bass player of the Who, has always amazed me with the way he handled the bass. Probably the coolest he ever sounded was in the song “Can You See the Real Me,” damn near sounded like some souped up hot-rod.

Rhythym Guitarist – You may say that I am being partial with this choice, an my replay would be “Fuck you, it’s my list.” Keith Richards may be more known for his riffs, but he is underrated for his rhythm guitar work. Truthfully, when Keef and Ronnie play together they weave effortlessly between rhythm and lead.

Lead Guitarist – Ugh, probably the most argued about one of them all. Just because of his bluesy style, I would probably choose Eric Clapton. I’m not the biggest Clapton fan, but I can appreciate the way he wields the axe, and he would add soul to just about any good rock song.

Lead Singer – Hands down, it has to be Mick Jagger. He is the innovator. All other front-men try to be him. David Lee Roth? Steven Tyler? All tools when compared with Sir Mick. Sure, some people may say his vocal range is limited, but to them, I again say, “Fuck you, it’s my list.”


Best Quote of the Week:“I feel dumber today than I ever have.” This quote was spoken by B in a moment of … well, I’m not sure how to describe it. All I know is that it made me laugh.

“That’s What She Said” Quote of the Week:
“I thought it was bigger than that.” Again, B comes up with this guffaw whilst talking about my fish tank.

“Is That What They’re Calling It These Days” Comment of the Week:
“I think I’m going blind from looking at my monitor too much.” Thanks for this one, Reverse!

Phrase that Would be a Cool Band Name of the Week:Small Term Germ

Made up Word of the Week:Baven – This is a melding of the words Babe and Haven. I described the Target Greatland near where I work as this.

Zinger Directed at Los of the Week:“Los, the toilet store is out of you.” – Ink and Stone
“But, I’m not a toilet.” - Los
“Yeah, but you are full of shit.” – Ink and Stone

Los and Smoke, Episode 2

We have just finished our second podcast - it has references to Heino, William Shattner, and even the guy from Die Hard. Give it a chance. Who knows, you might even like it.


Click here to get your own player.

President Oprah???

My wife was watching one of those Hollywood “insider” shows last night, and a question was posed on whether or not Oprah Winfrey would make a great President. I’m guessing that the well has run dry on Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson stories, and this is the best they could come up with. I’m not even sure what prompted the question to be asked, and I’m hoping that she is not serious in running for President.

I know these Hollywood entertainment shows are a bunch of crap, but I really wonder how they come up with these “ideas.” Can you imagine a boardroom with writers who “brainstorm” for these “thought-provoking” topics? Did it come down to Oprah and Corky from Life Goes On?

It’s not that I have anything against a woman becoming President, because I don’t. But to think that Oprah would make a great leader of this country is about as good of an idea as having Jerry Springer run this great land (which, by the way, is not a great idea). I don’t know where Oprah stands politically, but I have unfortunately seen some of her shows – something I do not normally make a habit of doing (I swear). Sure, she is well spoken. Yes, she is very popular amongst a segment of our population. But, she is a TALK SHOW HOST. She has no background in politics. Most importantly, she thinks her show is ABOVE all other talk shows, when in reality, there is no difference.

She has benefited greatly from her reputation, and media power. For example, nobody seems to have a problem when she talks about penises and one-night stands. However, when somebody else does (Howard Stern, for example), there is a major uproar about this. Is this fair? In my opinion, no.

Additionally, I get really annoyed by her “reading club,” and not because I don’t believe reading is a good idea – because I think it is vitally important (hey, if you couldn’t read, you wouldn’t be enjoying or not enjoying this blog). I just question how an author gets on her “exclusive” list. I’m pretty sure that she has a vested interest in this (financially).

More importantly, could you imagine Doctor Phil being vice president? Neither can I. The only good thing that could possibly come out of this is that Saturday Night Live might finally be able to succeed again.

My Weekend

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to move four cubic yards of dirt? Neither have I, but I got to “experience” it this weekend. A friend of mine needed help filling in his old Koi pond, and since I’m a really nice guy, I agreed to provide my services … AT 8:00 A.M.! I figured it would be an hour of moving a small pile of dirt, but didn’t realize that this pond was an 800-gallon pond! The good news is that I’ve discovered some muscles I never knew I had. Also, the sharp pain that continues to throb this fine morning served as an excellent alarm clock for me.

Thanks to that three hour workout, my body was willing and able to accept large quantities of beer, which I fully indulged in, hoping to numb the pain. Unfortunately, the physical pain was then mixed with emotional pain, as the Nittany Lions came up short, and the Irish unfortunately came back to win (was that Andy Reid coaching the Michigan State team?). But, at the very least, the Phillies swept the Marlins this weekend, and are somehow in the driver’s seat for the wild-card. Don’t worry, I’m only cautiously optimistic, because, after all, this is Philadelphia, and our sports teams take great pride in finding new ways to break our hearts.

One recurrent story that I saw this entire weekend was the lead-up to the first NFL game in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina ravaged the area a little over a year ago. I’m shocked that many people are complaining that this game is going to take attention away to the areas in and around the city that still are disaster areas. My take on it is this – sometimes sports is a good cure-all, and in this case, it absolutely is. The city needs some positive story, maybe even a distraction. Not that this is anything like 9/11, but remember how comforting it was when sports was back on television?

By the way, some of these commercials during the football games are god-awful. I’m shocked that companies are paying large sums of money to advertisers who produce worse work than a Kevin Federline song. Those Pepsi commercials with the Pepsi Machine going up against Reggie Bush make me want to jam an ice-pick in my ear.

Speaking of commercials (sorry I’m jumping around so much), there is one out that talks about the phone companies who are not letting other companies compete against them. The commercial basically calls them a Bell monopoly (for those of you who don’t know, in the U.S., there was a telephone company called Bell that was basically the only phone company around. The U.S. government broke the company up, and they splintered into several smaller companies). Anyway, there is nothing wrong with the commercial, EXCEPT that it was done by a group of cable companies. These guys have better sweet-heart deals than the phone companies do. This commercial really makes my blood boil. Sorry, I had to rant. Anyway, enjoy your Monday.

Stoppage Time

I have other things to blog about, but there have been so many “best of” moments this week, I’ll wait until next week. Enjoy (I hope!).

Stupid Comment of the Week:“I’m so bright, I gotta wear shades.” Ink blurted this one out after I said the classic – I’m so bright, my dad calls me son (sun). I’m guessing Ink combined a couple of sayings together and came up with this one.

Best Band Name of the Week:Smashed Potatoes – Just to let you know, I have no idea if this is a real band name, but as we were coming back from lunch today, somebody uttered this, and I immediately said that this would be a great band name (I do this far too often – people laughed when I thought Space Base would be a cool band name – I think it’s just as cool as Weezer).

Stupid Joke of the Week:“Trout fishing requires patience.” “So do doctors.” – Ink was on a rampage this week, making the list a second time with this hum-dinger, after I was talking about trout fishing.

That’s What She Said Quote of the Week:“It takes a few minutes to get to the meat of the little box.” – -B- came up with this masterpiece when describing the video about the new I-TV from Apple.

Weirdest Question I was Asked This Week:“So Los, are you up on your Gary Neumann trivia?” - -B- asked me this doozy when we were listening to some 80’s new wave music. I’m still trying to figure out the best response the question he posed …

Most Outrageous Conversation of the Week:“The clocks wouldn’t be in sync.” – Joe
“Why would the clocks be in the sink to begin with?” – Los
“At least his jokes are clean.” – Ink
“Your jokes always drain me.” - Los
“I guess it’s all just a pipe dream.” – Los
“Your jokes get me all stopped up.” – Ink

Obviously, we went off on a tangent with this conversation, because (A) we get bored at work, and (B) because we aren’t normal.

Made-Up Word of the Week:Elicktickle Machine – I’m not sure what –B- meant by this, but it sound sounds like a workout machine that would be very popular to females.

Podcast? Yes, it's true!

Hey guys and gals,

Not sure if you are interested (you better be), but Rev. Smokin' and I decided to start a podcast - you will actually be able to listen to us (save your enthusiasm for the podcast, please):


Click here to get your own player.



The home page of the Los and Smoke podcast is http://losandsmoke.podomatic.com/

Blah-Ta-To

After Monday’s political-style posting, I thought it might be best to do a more light-hearted blog entry. Many of you know that I have some weird tastes when it comes to food – like despising the taste of ham, even though I like bacon and pork (but not Canadian bacon, because that tastes too much like ham). I figured I’d throw another one of my weird nuances at you.

Being a descendant of Germans (both parents are German), one would probably surmise (big word, yeah me!) that I would love all things German. I mean, I love beer, all kinds of beer for that matter. No doubt that Bratwurst, Wiener Schnitzel, and Sauerbraten are at the top of my list of favorite. Heck, I even have a Heino box set (look him up), AND have worn Lederhosen.

However, for one reason or another, I’m not a huge fan of potatoes. Sure, I love potato chips, and the stringy French fries, but other forms of potatoes are not my thing. I’m not sure if it is the texture that I don’t like, or maybe the bland taste, but if I had a choice, I’d much rather have noodles over potatoes.

I’ve begun eating more baked potatoes in recent years (probably thanks to my wife), but to be honest, I need to add lots of butter in order to make them taste good. My mom apparently makes a killer German potato salad that everyone raves about, but even though it is chocked full of bacon, I still find it gross. German dumplings are supposed to be out of this world, but it’s hard for me to stomach even half of a dumpling.

At one time, I loved mashed potatoes. For some reason, my mom stopped making them for a few years. When she started up with them again, I lost my taste for them. It was like when the producers of the Dukes of Hazzard replaced Bo and Luke with cousins (because of a contract dispute). When Bo and Luke finally made their return, nobody really cared. That’s the way it was with me. I got so hooked on noodles, specifically elbow macaronis, that I could no longer imagine having anything else with my mom’s dinners (usually some sort of meat with gravy).

Man, I wish I liked potatoes – everybody loves them. There are so many recipes for food that include potatoes, it would be great to not be limited by this. Heck, I even eat around potatoes when they are included in soup. I get upset with diners that only offer hash-browns as a side (as I’ve blogged before, I wish they would give more options, darn-it!). Why, why, why??? I like weird foods like Liverwurst and pickled Herring – why can’t I “trade” the liking of one of these foods with the liking of potatoes? It would make life so much simpler.

Two things about this post. First, I told you it would be light-hearted. Second, any of you guys hate a food that most people like? (BTW – I have a friend who absolutely HATES ketchup – I thought that was weird, but who am I to talk?)

Peacful Religion?

So, our new Pope decided to finally “make a splash” with one of his speeches last week, and it ended up sending a major ripple through the Muslim world. Basically, the Pope read a quote from a previous Pope from about 800 years ago, in which that Pope said something to the effect of Muhammed wanted to spread his religion by sword. Now, I just want to preface this whole blog by saying I normally try to avoid the political and the religious, because, frankly, you guys probably get enough of this through the newspaper, television, and other places.

However, this latest “incident” and the “repercussions” vex me. First, what Benedict said was about as smart as Andy Reid’s fourth quarter play calling. I’m not sure his motives, but he basically decided to dig at a wound that just never seems to heal.

That being said, I’m really starting to get tired of these extremists in this so called “peaceful” Muslim religion. What better way to disprove the Pope’s claims that you aren’t a peaceful religion than by killing a nun and starting riots all over the world? Unfortunately, because of these few (I sincerely hope it is only a few) senile, misguided, warped-minded extremist leaders and followers, the way I view the Muslim religion as a whole is probably flawed. BUT, it seems that the rest of the Muslims are in no great hurry to do anything about restoring the integrity of this religion, and therein lies the problem.

I often hear that many Muslims are upset because of the racial profiling that is going on in this country (and probably all over the world at this point). Well, why don’t you do something positive about it, like maybe do more than say “boy, those extremists are terrible.” Stand up against these extremists – show the rest of the world that you mean business, and you are ready to clean up your act. Once you do this, maybe you’ll get more respect. Just an opinion – you are free to disagree with this all you want.

The shame of it is that outside of a few Muslim leaders publicly shaming the extremists after 9/11, I never saw any outrage, nor any moves by the Muslim majority to separate themselves from these psychopaths. I’m sure there were some things done that I never heard of, but I expect more, and everyone should demand more.

About a year ago, a French guy did a comic depicting Muhammed with a bomb on his head – basically showing that the Muslim religion has become very violent. Again, what did they do to “prove” the French guy wrong? Yep, you guessed it. They rioted, and threatened his life. “If you don’t believe I’m peaceful, I’ll convince you by terminating you.” Is this your message to the entire world? If so, nobody will ever respect you.

Stoppage Time

It’s Time to Light the Lights
I’m not really sure how this topic of conversation came up, but we got to talkin’ about the Muppets, and how great of a show the Muppet Show was back in the day, and I asked the question, “Which one was your favorite Muppet?” I have always been partial to the Swedish Chef, just because he had real human hands … and because you had to pay really close attention to understand him.

However, I also loved the news guy who always cut in with a Muppet News Flash. I’m not sure he had a name, and it really didn’t matter, because his bits were so short, yet hysterical. He would report on some wild story like “anvils falling from the sky.” Inevitably, he would be hit with an anvil. Just good times all around.

I also liked the Muppet that would throw around the boomerang fish. You can’t tell me that Jim Henson wasn’t stoned when he came up with that beauty! There’s just no way. I also liked the guy that would always light off bombs on the Muppets, but I’m guessing that this wouldn’t fly anymore with the state of political correctness (super saturation) in this country.

In case you are interested, there is a website that has a list of the Muppet characters – www.kermitage.com (you are welcome).


What Kind of a Fan Are You?Another topic of conversation came up this past week at work, regarding being a sports fan. Specifically, we argued whether or not a person who continuously changes favorite teams is a real sports fans. Nothing burns me up more than seeing these “fo-fans” in Philly with Cowboys jackets or Yankees baseball caps. Follow the home team, jackass – that’s what being a real fan is. Sure, you can follow a player on another team (kind of like being a fan of Michael Jordan in the 1980’s and 1990’s), but I better not hear you refer to the Bulls as “we” if you live in Philly.

Those people who are currently White Sox, Spurs, Steelers, and Notre Dame fans, even though they have no apparent affiliation with the teams (not living or being from that area, going to school there, etc.), get under my skin. These people are basically the same as the Brittany Spears, N-SYNC, and Backstreet Boys fans of a few years ago (who are now J.T. fans) – you are all posers, and I don’t like you even a little bit. You are a tool.


That’s What She Said Quote of the Week:
(Again, more than one of these this week):
· “You might want to pull that one back out.” I forget what we were talking about, or what context this was used in, but I jotted it down, and found it funny.
· “I’m afraid of the meat-stick.” This was “B” talking about the whole Greek food and Gyro situation.
· “I’m holding out for the 21-incher.” Reverse said this when we were in Costco, looking at computer monitors.


Made-Up Word of the Week:
Samiliar – “B” came up with this one on our way to Chik Fil-A on Thursday. He was trying to say familiar and similar at the same time. I think it could work!


Stupid Joke of the Week:“The Eagles are in first place in their division. But, are they good at multiplication?” Ink came up with this one – I’m guessing he was trying to sound like me (I think he succeeded).

Song I Can't Get Out of My Head of the Week:
I Buy the Drugs, by Electric Six - All I can say is this song is absolutely addicting. It might not be that way the first time you hear it, but play it a few times, and you might have trouble going to sleep at night, because the chorus continuously plays in your head (or at least that's what it did to me).

Dipping Sauce?

As some of you may know by now, I often get into really pointless and stupid conversations with friends about meaningless subjects. Thankfully, this past Sunday was no exception. Smokin’ and I were at a local bar watching the Eagles game, when we somehow got onto the topic of dipping sauces. I’m not even sure what led us to this topic, but we dove into a heated discussion on what exactly constitutes a dipping sauce. And, I’m not totally sure we came up with a definitive conclusion, so any help that you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

One of our major sticking points is whether ketchup should be considered a dipping sauce. Smokin’ claimed that it was obviously one because one can dip French fries or onion rings in it. My argument was that it was more of a topping than a dipping sauce, because you can put it on hamburgers, hot dogs, and even eggs (ewww.). Additionally, one can dip French fries in a pool of vomit, but I wouldn’t consider a pool of vomit a dipping sauce.

We got a little deeper into the nuts and bolts of dipping sauces. To me, ketchup on its own, is not a dipping sauce. However, if you add cocktail sauce or horseradish (also not a dipping sauce in my opinion) to it, I believe it then becomes a dipping sauce. Another example would be mustard – not a dipping sauce in my opinion. Honey is also not a dipping sauce (although, it is a great tea flavoring). Mix the two together and it becomes honey-mustard sauce – a sauce fantastic for dipping chicken fingers in.

But, where does this leave barbecue sauce. It is an excellent flavoring for foods one can grill (chicken, ribs, and even steak for that matter). However, go to any fast-food restaurant, and you can order this as a dipping sauce. Can this truly be considered a dipping sauce, though? I’m not sure. This is why I need your help.

I think it is very important that we can (together) come up with a list of conditions or rules in order for something to be considered a dipping sauce. I am willing to listen to all suggestions, no matter how “out of the box” they are.

Oh, and yes, I know – I really do need to discuss more important things in life (but hey, if we can spend months and months waiting for a picture of Tom Cruise’s baby, why can’t we discuss topics like “what constitutes a dipping sauce?”).

5

Has it been five years already? The internal scars sometimes still feel fresh. Everybody remembers where they were when it happened – the day this country lost its innocence (or at least the people outside of politics). September 11 – we remember it like we remember birthdays, wedding anniversaries, phone numbers … but we obviously for different reasons.

Hunched over my desk at my previous job, just getting ready to start my day, Debba, a coworker, received a phone call from our boss, saying he would be in a little later – a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. Immediately, I checked cnn.com, and began following what I thought was purely an accident. “This had to be a small plane, that lost control,” is what I shrugged it off as. Then, the second one hit. We were under attack. After a few minutes, I could no longer get to cnn.com to follow the situation – too much traffic at that website.

A few coworkers and I searched for a television that had an external cable-hookup – most of the tv’s on campus were strictly part of the school’s internal programming. We made our way to another building that had cable access, and sat down on the couch in the lounge, increasingly shocked as the details were fed to us. I was too numb to cry, I just sat there, watching the towers burn right before my eyes. Could this really be happening? My go, the Pentagon was just hit! What next?

I felt a sense of helplessness seep into me. What can I do? I must be strong for the students. I remember leaning over to Debba and saying, “These buildings are going to fall.” She looked at me in disbelief. How else could this end? Surely, they can’t put the fires out that high up, can they? The buildings crumbled – I still couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

The call came in – it would be best if we sent the students home and close-down the campus – not that our campus would be a target, but one never knows. As part of the PR staff, I helped prepare for the imminent phone calls from local media. A professor on the campus was very knowledgeable on the Middle East, and some of the history of these radical groups.

On my way home, I began noticing no, through the haze that had formed inside my head, the complete silence – no planes, hardly any cars. Would life change? I remember finally getting in touch with my girlfriend (who is now my wife) after hours of fruitless attempts – the phone lines and cell lines had been clogged. Even though she was working in Philly, I wanted to make sure she was o.k. She was shaken, like I was. I drove downtown to see her that night, and we hung out at a local bar on South Street, trying to ingest all of the news coming through the TV screens. It felt like the longest day in my life.

I had never been through anything like this in my life. I heard stories about Pearl Harbor and the Kennedy assassination – but never imagined my generation having to endure this. I read and watched the turmoil happening in other countries, blindly believing that this could never happen to the mighty U.S. of A. It was an awakening I didn’t want to have.

I always try looking for the bright side of any situation – and found one at the time. Our country began to unite. Everybody was on the same page – and everybody was ready to move forward together. I don’t remember our country ever being that synchronized. I wish that part of it would’ve lasted. I fear some lessons we learned have been forgotten. I fear that we are no longer on the same page, not even the same book. Many people out there will point fingers, but it is not (nor has it ever) about pointing fingers, it is about moving forward … together.

My prayers go out to people who lost loved ones in this tragic day in our country’s history, and my hope goes out that their lives were not sacrificed in vane.

(don’t worry, I’ll be funny again later in the week).

Stoppage Time

“We need some more fat and happy rappers.”
This gem of a quote was uttered by a coworker of mine as we were listening to Chubb Rock’s “Treat ‘em Right.” We got to talking, and brought up a bunch of great “retro” rap songs, going back to the 80’s and early 90’s. Remember when rap music was fun? Now, it’s all about carrying the biggest guns, screwing the most biotches, and killing the most “hatas.” Wouldn’t it be great to go back to “Doo-Doo Brown,” and “Gas Face?”

That’s What She Said Quote of the Week:
We actually have a tie this week – yes, much like Michael Scott, we (probably I) use this term far too often. In fact, we don’t really even say the phrase anymore – we kind of hum to the tune of “That’s What She Said.”
* “I usually go for the wide ones.” I forget what we were talking about when “B” said this, but we immediately lost it.
* “I guess I’m allowed to touch it, but I shouldn’t lick my fingers afterwards.” Believe it or not, coworker Reverse was not even talking about anything sexual when he released this beauty. In fact, Reverse was merely talking about a huge mushroom in his backyard (yeah, I know – that’s what she said), when Ink told him that it was probably poisonous.

Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:“What is the name of that salad?” “Bob.” We went to Chick Fil-A for our weekly “C-FAT” lunch outing yesterday (Chick Fil-A Thursday). “B” ordered one of their chicken salads, and Ink thought it looked good, so he asked “B” what the name of the salad was. Never ceasing to miss a moment, I chimed in “Bob.”

Made Up Word of the Week:
The creativity displayed by my friends and coworkers on a weekly basis is just unrivaled. I applaud each and everyone of them. We have two winners (somebody, please contact Webster’s):
· Asstriloquist – During a Labor Day barbecue on Sunday, my friend Ray-Ray was up to his usual tricks. You see, Ray-Ray is very creative with his farts. He has gotten so good at them, it seems as if he can throw them across the room, and make it seem like somebody else farted. He said that he considers himself an asstriloquist because of this skill.
· Meangling – Davie Dogs created this one, and I think it has a chance to stick. Not only is this word funny, but it is very descriptive. Davie used this one a few days ago when asked what he would be doing on Saturday. Dogs was planning on walking around the neighborhood and chatting with neighbors. He mixed mingling and meandering – but I think it works!

Stoppage Time

I haven’t done this in a while, and since I can’t think of anything else to write about, suggestions it is:

I Gots To Have My White Breads
For those of you who just can’t stomach wheat bread, but still want to lose some weight, boy do I have a suggestion for you (don’t worry, it’s clean). Try the Stroehmann’s Soft and Tasty white bread. It is a good source of whole grain, fiber, folic acid, vitamin D and calcium, and the best part is that it tastes almost as good as regular white bread. In fact, I hardly notice any difference.

Movie Recommendation
I just saw Invincible for the second time this past weekend (my wife really wanted to see it). This movie gives you an idea of what it is like to be an Eagles fan, and why we are such jerks … plus, it is a movie about a guy who tried out for Philly and made the team … without ever playing any college ball … AND this guy went to the high school I went to … AND he played with my uncle. Need I say more?

Music/Comedy Recommendation:
A friend of mine gave me a copy of a Richard Cheese CD. I know I’m late on the bandwagon to this guy, but the man is brilliant. He turns any song (and I mean ANY) into catchy lounge music. Songs like Closer (Nine Inch Nails), Fight For Your Right to Party (Beastie Boys), Me So Horny (Two Live Kru), Creep (Radiohead) – all converted to hilarious lounge music. Check him out at Amazon.com if you don’t believe me (you’ll thank me, I swear).


New Albums I’m Eagerly Anticipating:

1. Electric Six’s newest offering, Switzerland, will be hitting the shelves next week, and I’m salivating. I was turned on to these guys about 9 months ago, and I haven’t been able to stop listening to them. Their first two albums are overly addicting, and the new song, I Buy the Drugs,” is funny, yet toe-tappingly catchy. Not sure how to describe these guys, other than maybe fun heavy metal music (like Van Halen, but in the 21st century).

2. The Killers look to duplicate Hot Fuss’s success with their new album, Sam’s Town, which comes out in early October. I remember buying Hot Fuss three years ago, and proclaiming it was the best purchase I had made in years. The first release, When You Were Young, sounds promising. I’m just hoping this new album can be as complete as the first one.

3. Ronnie Wood Anthology – If you are not a Stones fan, you might as well stop reading. Many of you may not know that Ron Wood is a member of the Stones. Even more of you may be oblivious to the fact that he has done his own music, and it is pretty damn good. I have most of his solo work, but some of his work with other musicians are also included in this 2-cd set. If you like classic rock, you may want to give this one a spin.

Stoppage Time

Is That A Baby In Your Belly, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
O.K., so no stories about getting kicked out of a gay bar this time around … I apologize in advance. However, it was still a VERY fun weekend, nevertheless. First, and foremost, I want to congratulate my cousin Trish and her husband Kurt for giving birth to their first child! Some things to note, though:

1. They decided to name him Troy, which, unfortunately, reminds me of the Dallas Cowboys. Slant and I decided to take a positive spin, as Troy Aikman was probably one of the lesser-hated Cowboys… I mean, they could’ve decided to name the poor kid after Ed “Too Tall” Jones, Tom Landry, or (gasp) Jimmy Johnson.

2. Troy was 8 pound, 13 ounces at birth – this kid has got offensive lineman written all over him … either that, or American Grand Sumo Champion (kidding, Kurt).

3. He seems to be very well-behaved at this early juncture – we were at the hospital for about 1 ½ hours, and we didn’t hear a peep out of him … well, that’s not actually true, he did have some impressive farting episodes … which makes me think that he has a lot of Trish’s genes.

Is It Really the Best?
Whilst watching the Penn State game on Saturday, Slant, Smokin’ and I got into a conversation about beer, specifically the beer we were drinking that afternoon – Milwaukee’s Best. Slant and I drank this beer religiously in college … mainly, because it was the cheapest beer we could find. We have basically made a tradition out of drinking this at important Penn State related moments (like the first game of the season). Smokin’ didn’t really understand the traditional aspects of this. Slant and I tried to convince him that there is a reason that they put the word “Best” on the can, and that “Best” is not an overused term in this country, especially when it comes to describing one’s product. I’m not sure if we got through to him, but hey, we tried.

Funniest Quote of the Weekend
It was one helluva weekend for funny quotes. In fact, I believe we have a three-way tie:
1. “She’s about as feminine as a cock.” Slant said this beauty whilst describing the female announcer, Pam Ward, during the Penn State game. I think some of that Milwaukee’s Best shot through my nose.
2. “Just because he looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, doesn’t mean Smokin’ can clean like her.” I was most impressed with how quickly my friend Ray-Ray came up with that one – how often does one get to use a Mrs. Doubtfire comparison, anyway?
3. “I’d have a better shot of farting myself to the moon.” Sure, I’ve heard this one a few times in the past, but man, this is a classic, and the way my friend Scott delivered it, when asked what chances he had of hooking up with this girl at a bar, it was just golden.

Stoppage Time

Forecast This, Pal!

This city absolutely LOVES weather events. For instance. I was watching Good Day Philadelphia this morning whilst working out, and the top story of the morning was this Tropical Storm Ernesto that is projected to dump 4-6 inches of rain in the area. The weather forecaster was practically frothing at the mouth over this, trying to control his massive erection. He was interviewing some official from Atlantic City, and the guy basically said, “this is no big deal – we are treating it like a nor’easter, and we are prepared for this.” Obviously, the forecaster was not happy with this response, as he was hoping for the official to quote bible passages when describing the “potential” of this storm.

I think I’ve floated this theory out before. I really do think that the weather forecasters and supermarkets are in cahoots. When forecasters call for nasty weather, the supermarkets make a killing. People buy 8 gallons of milk, 5 dozen eggs, and 20 loaves of bread each. Either, they are going to have one kick-ass omelet-a-palooza weekend, or they’re going to end up throwing most of this away. Everybody, chill! We will be fine. Sure, maybe some of us will have to deal with some flooding in the basement, and an even rarer (is that a word?) amount may need to clean a stray, fallen tree out of their living rooms, but there’s no need to stock up supplies as if the end of the world was looming. It’s a tropical storm – it’s not even a hurricane for heaven’s sake!


The Best “That’s What She Said” line of the week:“I love watching it bounce off of things.”


New Word of the Week:
Exoverexaggerating – Ink came up with this one, apparently because the term “over -exaggerating” just wasn’t strong enough for his liking.


Two Cool Websites to Check Out:
http://www.amiwrong.com - A cool trivia site, for those of us (you know who you are!) who just don’t have enough to do at work.

http://www.inthe80s.com - For those of us who miss acid-washed jeans, leg-warmers, and mullets, this website has far too much information about the “Reaganomics” years. Burger King had a sandwich called the Yumbo? That’s just plain weird!

My Weekend, Part 2

Smokin’s Engagement Party:
I just wanted to thank Smokin’ and Soni for inviting my wife and me to their engagement party on Sunday. It was wonderful meeting all of Soni’s family for the
first time – they are all very nice people. One funny note – when we were getting our appetizers, the man in charge of the buffet said that we were not allowed to
use the plates, but had to use the salad bowls for the appetizers … normally, this wouldn’t bother me, except there were like 300 plates on the table, easily enough
plates for appetizers and the lunch. I’m wondering, are bowls easier to clean than plates? Please help me out on this one …

BLASCAR?
On Saturday evening, we celebrated my brother’s 25th birthday at a bar called The Frontier Saloon in Holmes. I’ve only really been to this place a handful of times, most recently during our last bar tour and bachelor party. It is your typical hole-in-the wall, with cheap drinks and cheap food. But, there are some “nuances” I need to discuss. First, there are two pictures of American Indian women on the back wall –
every half-hour or so, the cloth on these pictures disappears and the women are naked … so I’m guessing that political correctness is not high on the list of
priorities at this place. Also, this bar is a NASCAR haven in Delaware County (I guess this also shouldn’t be a surprise to me, considering the pictures of the
Indians).

As luck would have it, there was a NASCAR race that night, and the bar had additional specials, such as $1.00 pints of everything (well, Moosehead was $1.25 –
I guess the quarter covered importing), and $1.00 bottles. Additionally, they had a raffle, in which one would receive 3 tickets for $2.00. The raffle is done when there is an accident in the NASCAR race – Really, I can’t make this stuff up.

Additionally, the bar hands out 1 ticket a person for another raffle, in which they raffle off NASCAR related stuff – t-shirts, hats, key-chains … the typical crap. During our bar-tour, my brother somehow was able to fix the raffle (by taking the raffle bucket, and eliminating most of the tickets in there but ours – it is amazing what one can do when he/she is drunk). During that time, my brother won a blow-up
NASCAR (not sure how many “inputs”), a NASCAR basketball (again, I can’t make this up), and a bunch of NASCAR keychains and stickers. Last night, our group won a Budweiser Racing T-shirt, and an Eagles fold-up chair.

While we were “watching” the race (I have about as much interest in NASCAR as I have in the WNBA), and drinking, of course, my brother and I started getting into a conversation about NASCAR – specifically, the fact that NASCAR isn’t very friendly to people other than white people. I think in the history of NASCAR, there have only been 2 black racers (neither of which raced very often). We decided that this was a
travesty, and came up with an idea.

Let me preface this by saying (A) I am very much against racial prejudice (I think a person who decides if he/she likes a person based on skin color is an asshole – just sayin’), and (B) when we had this conversation, we were pretty drunk.

With that being said, we thought it would be a great idea if BET or the new CW channel would come up with the BLASCAR circuit, to combat NASCAR. Now, it would be a race, but that would probably be the only similarity between BLASCAR and NASCAR. Instead, points are given to the coolest “hoopties,” the loudest base sound, fattest grille, and stuff like that. Racing is strictly secondary. In fact, this race would probably more resemble a parade than anything. Of course some of the race names would be the “Compton 300,” “The Detroit 500,” and “The Camden 400.” I would probably
watch this.

My Weekend, Part 1

I had a very "interesting" weekend all around. I have so much to write about that I have to break it up into two parts (the second part will be posted on Wednesday). Enjoy:

Straight-Bashed

A limousine filled with 2 heterosexual couples, a homosexual couple, and two sisters – sound like an interesting time? Don’t answer that! We celebrated my wife’s friend’s birthday in style on Friday night (obviously, she is also my friend), by renting a limo for 5+ hours, and driving to a bunch of bars/clubs throughout the Philly. We went to typical places one would expect to go to in the City of Brotherly Love that night – places in Manayunk, Center City, and Old City – all kinds of places, from fancy (Tangerine, Derricks), to laid back (The Cherry Street Tavern) – drinking everything from beer to Martinis and wine.

By about 12:30 a.m., we were pretty drunk, but really not all that bad. The gay couple (I’m not sure if that is PC, but I mean nothing negative by it) wanted to go to a gay bar called Woody’s (can’t make that one up, folks) – hey I’ve never been to one of these places before, but I’m willing to try anything. We get in there, and immediately, it felt like the record skipped – this is probably not going to be quite what I expected. The place seemed nice enough, just tons of well-dressed men talking extremely close to one-another.

I went to the bathroom – probably a mistake on my part. I felt many, many eyes on me, and I ended up getting stage-fright. For you straight guys who may, for some reason, find yourself at a gay bar, it is probably best to go to the bathroom in numbers greater than 1. I felt like a piece of meat (a good cut, obviously).

When I got out of the bathroom, I went to the bar with the other straight guy in our group. For some reason, the bartender refused to serve him, because he was “too intoxicated.” In looking around the place, I noticed many, many people that were not only more intoxicated than us, but also high as a kite. I “understood” immediately, that we really weren’t welcome here. Of course, the gay couple in our group immediately blended in with the other “patrons” of the establishment.

Then, I went to look for my wife, and found her and the birthday girl being confronted by two security guys (also queer as a three dollar bill). The security guard informed them that THEY were also too drunk, and asked them to leave the premises. The birthday girl was NOT AT ALL pleased with this, as even though she was a little tipsy, by no means was she THAT drunk. She began yelling and cursing at these two guards, asking what the hell she did so wrong that she was being asked to leave. The guards offered her no other reason, other than being too drunk.

I decided to follow them out, as I did not want to be the only straight guy left in a place called Woody’s. I have these visions of these guys tying me up to a wall and playing “Pin the Tail on the Hetero,” only they wouldn’t be using tails.

As we were being escorted out, the birthday girl got more heated, and started calling the security guards “pickle chuggers!” I think I may have heard this term once in my life prior to this occasion, and hey – I don’t normally condone name-calling and attacks to a person’s race, religion, or sexual preference … however, the term pickle chugger was hysterical. She was screaming this at the top of her lungs … and I had to pull her aside and inform her that she may be offending the 1000+ pickle chuggers on the inside of the bar. Needless to say, they called the cops on us, and we were told by the men in blue to leave or get arrested. We chose to leave (thankfully).

But, the bottom line on this is, we were mistreated by a segment of the population that I thought would not be capable of this (considering that they most likely know how it feels to be discriminated against). I was standing right near these two security pickle-chuggers (sorry, I couldn’t resist), and they started making snide comments about the birthday girl. I immediately got in their faces and told them to shut the f**k up. One of the security guards said something to the effect of “We can talk about anybody we want, and we don’t need to listen to your kind.” Oh, that’s right – get the German blood flowing, guys – that’s a real good idea … especially considering that I’ve already filled the tank with fuel (alcohol). I must’ve hulked up or something, because a roar, that started in the pit of my stomach made it’s way up my esophagus, through my mouth, and scared the living piss out these guys – they immediately stopped talking, and hung their heads the rest of the time I was there.

So, to recap, not only did I go to a gay bar, but I got kicked out of one for not being gay … I love this country! On a funny side note, my wife, the next morning, said “I found it strange that there were really only guys inside that gay bar,” to which I responded, “Honey, it’s called Woody’s, not Clam’s.”


Funny Wife Comment:
I was clipping coupons (they probably would’ve served me at Woody’s had they known that tidbit), when I came across a coupon for Vagisil. I asked my wife if she needed any, to which she responded, “I’ve seen you scratching your balls a lot, maybe they should come out with a product called ‘Testisil.’” That’s my baby!

Funny Comment To My Wife:
My wife asked me on Sunday, if I liked her jewelry, to which I responded, “I really like your bracelet … I bet you could probably catch a fish with it.” Good times.

Stoppage Time

Nutty Conversation

It was a pretty slow week at work this week, which of course means that the office clowners (of which I am part of), came up with some really “interesting” conversational topics. My favorite one this week was this: A nut can be considered a seed, but is a seed also a nut? We mulled it over for a good ½ hour and came up with the conclusion that even though a nut is technically a seed, seeds can’t be considered nuts for the following reasons:

1. You usually eat the stuff around seeds (for instance, with apples and oranges), but nuts kind of just grow on their own, with nothing but a hard shell surrounding them.
2. Most nuts are edible, and taste good, but you wouldn’t want to eat apple seeds and orange seeds.
3. Nuts have a much harder outer shell than seeds do (I’m not sure what this means, and why this means that nuts are different, but we decided that this had to be a reason).

However, some things do not fit into this list:

1. Sunflower seeds and Pumpkin seeds don’t fit in this explanation, as both are very edible and very delicious.
2. Potatoes can be planted and grown, as well as onions, but we can’t consider them nuts, can we?

This might be the next big argument, after the big debate on planets that has just taken place (Pluto will always be a planet in my eyes, dammit!).


Just a few funny quotes from this week:
1. “You like killing deer, I like killing beer.” This was a conversation between a coworker who loves to hunt, and me.
2. “You might need to branch out into crazy.” I can’t remember what we were talking about here at work, but I think it was an idea for a new business product.

Creative Office Coworkers

Yes, one of my creative office coworkers has struck again. Just a little disclaimer for you fellow readers:

1. I do not condone screwing squirrels in any way, shape or form ... unless, of course, you are also a squirrel.

2. As far as I know, there has never been a statue built in my likeness, nor dedicated to me ... however, there is still time.

3. The office coworkers seem to put more time into photoshopping pictures of me than they do with their regular work ... and who can blame them? It's kind of fun.

I've Been Tagged!!!!

I was tagged to do one of those "surveys," but this one is 51 questions long. For the sake of the blogging community, I am not going to tag anybody else, but I felt that it was worthwhile to answer the 51 (yeah, that's right, 51) questions anyway. You are more than welcome to answer 1, some, or all of these questions on my site (or your site) if you want, or make comments on my answers ... or do nothing at all. It's up to you ... aren't I great?

1. First name? Karl

2. Were you named after anyone? I don't think so. My middle name is Reiner, so I asked my parents if I was named after the comedian, and they said no. So ... how 'bout them Phillies?

3. Do you wish on stars? As a youngster, I probably wished on stars a few times ... I always gave them credit for getting me the Oscar the Grouch alarm clock.

4. When did you last cry? Phew, probably during a romantic comedy. Unfortunately, I am a sucker for some romantic comedies (Some Kind of Wonderful, Say Anything, Sleepless in Seattle). Actually, now that I think about it, I had some welling up in the eyes, when one of my best friends called this weekend and told me his older sister passed away ... tragic, she was far too young.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Oh Heavens no. I have seen chickens scratch more legibly.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Just regular turkey breast. If you smoke it, it starts tasting like ham, and that is just a crime.

7. What is your birth date? June 2, 1972 ... coincidentally, that is viewed as the greatest day the Earth has ever seen.

8. What is your most favorite album/CD? Rolling Stones - Some Girls. Every track is excellent, and it has a nice mix of rock, country, disco, a little punk, and some funk. Just a well-rounded album.

9. Favorite Jewelry not counting wedding/engagement ring and why? Outside of my wedding ring, I only really wear a watch, as far as jewelry is concerned. It is a cool Fossil Penn State watch, though.

10. Do you have a journal? I have a few blogs, so I guess these are like journals.

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Um, well, if I have to answer this one for you, then you obviously have no clue who I am.

12. What are your nicknames? I've had a tone of them. My favorite is Los, but only a handful of people call me that still. Here are some others: Kaz, Stupid German, Old Blue Eyes, BOFBPOS (that one is a work one), Kraut, The Winner ... to name a few.

13. Would you bungee jump? Never thought about doing it. But, if given the choice, I’d probably do the plane jumping thing first.


14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I guess it depends on how lazy I feel at the moment. Why the hell do you care anyway?

15. Do you think that you are strong? I guess kind of. I wouldn’t call myself a body builder, or anything like that, but I can work all day moving stuff, and never tire (gotta be the German blood). Mentally, I’m strong, because I never give up.

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate Chip Cookie dough, without a doubt. I don’t think a better flavor of ice cream is possible.

17. Shoe Size? 11 ½ (and you know what they say about a person’s shoe size, don’t ya … me neither).

18. Red or pink? If forced, I would say red, just because Santa Claus wears red, and I happen to love presents.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? The beer gut (not hideous, but I’d like to lose it). But, I love beer too much to do anything about it.

20. What do you like most about yourself? My sense of humor. I can diffuse fights between friends, family members, and others, which is a good thing. Sometimes I can diffuse tense situations at work (however, my sarcasm can start fights as well).

21.Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Actually, I don’t really care, because this is a long-ass questionnaire, and I hate these “being tagged” thingies. But hey, if you want to, be my guest.

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? I am wearing khakis and brown shoes.

23. What are you listening to right now? I listened to the Police last (I believe the song was “I Can’t Stand Losing You.”)

24. Last thing you ate? Cheerios … the multi wheat ones (I think) … not because I’m trying to be healthy, but because they were on sale.

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Indian Red, because I thought that was a cool name for a color … I believe Crayola has changed the name of the color for political purposes.

26. What is the weather like now ? Partly sunny – actually quite pleasant. Thank goodness I’m working today … sigh!

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? My wife, to wish her luck in the dart championship last night … that’s right, she’s on a dart team … and no, she doesn’t have testicles …except for mine.

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I like a girl’s eyes, and her buttocks … that’s right, just like Kramer, I’m an Ass Man!

29. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? It would be great to be able to appear anywhere with just the snap of a finger … I’d never be late for work, and could save lots of money on gas (and tolls) … call me Thrifty Man!

30 Favorite Drink? Nice cold glass of OJ in the morning, Lemonade in the afternoon, and a good Long Island Iced Tea at night.

32. Hair Color? Blonde (at least where I still have hair)

33. Eye Color? Ice Blue (because it sounds cool).

34. Do you wear contacts? Yes, but I’ve been thinking about getting laser surgery … so any tips would be helpful and appreciated.

35. Favorite Food? Geez, so many to choose from – Tacos, ribs, crabs …. I can’t decide, dammit!!!!

36. Last Movie You Watched? Top Secret! Watched it last night – it is without a doubt in my top 10 favorite movies of all time (a possible future blog).

37. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas … because I love to give and receive presents.

38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Ummm…..I’m a scaredy cat, so give me the movies with happy endings (sounds like a cheap massage parlor).

39. Summer or winter? I am thankful that I live in an area that experiences all four seasons. I love ‘em all. However, when it is way too hot, I wish for winter, and when it is way too cold, I wish for summer.

40. Hugs Or Kisses? I guess it depends on who they are coming from.

41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Some pound cake with some nice cherry topping on the side … I also love cheese-cake.

42. Who is Most Likely To Respond? Nobody, because this is just too freakin’ long.

43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Everybody, because of the same reason.

44. What Books Are You Reading? I am reading a Photoshop book right now. I just finished a “Pro Wrestling Mysteries” book, so I got that going for me …

45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? At work, it is a Lockheed Martin pad … BORING!

46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? The Phillies and Top Secret.

47. Favorite Smells? Coffee, bacon, a pipe, the smell of asphalt when the rain just starts hitting it (I know, I’m weird).

48. Favorite Sounds? Rain against a window (soothing in a way).

49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Without a doubt, the Rolling Stones. They have been my favorite rock band since the 7th grade. I own over 50 of their albums (bootlegs, live stuff, studio stuff, etc.). Don’t get me wrong, I think the Beatles are good, but the Stones will always be my favorites.

50. What's the farthest you've been from home? Romania, I’m guessing … although I was in Alaska also, but I’m not sure which is further.

51. What's your major malfunction, Private Pyle? I eat too many damn potato chips, and I don’t like ham or potatoes for some reason.

Stoppage Time, Jr.

You call it What??

So, I accidentally clicked on the Whoopi Goldberg radio show this morning – how the hell does she have a morning show now? Is this the next rung of the ladder after Hollywood Squares? I guess she can’t really do porn, because she is just way too damb ugly.

Anyway, that’s not what I’m blogging about today (although, certainly a blog about what Whoopi will do next is certainly one that that should be done by somebody in the future). She mentioned something about all these television commercials about Erectile Dysfunction that are smothering our TV airwaves. And, although I agree with her about this – it is getting out of hand, kind of like all of those Sally Struthers commercials in the late 1980’s – I have a different take on this.

I’ve noticed that a lot of these commercials are calling it “E.D.” Is this the new cool nickname for it? Does Erectile Dysfunction even need a cool nickname? Should we start having nicknames for all illnesses to make them sound cool? Like for instance, “I was diagnosed with the G-Hizzy by my doctor last night (G-Hizzy would of course be Genital Herpes). Or, I came down with the T-Fun a few weeks ago (Toenail Fungus). Are drug companies trying to “sexify” personal illnesses so that they can increase their business? I gotta know, because I’m really not liking the term E.D. Please, help me with this one.


It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Not that most of you care, but I had my fantasy draft last night, and I had the number one pick. I took Shaun Alexander, because I really want to get screwed by the Madden jinx. Here are my other picks:

QB'/s – Matt Hasselback, Jon Kitna
RB's - Shaun Alexander, Chester Taylor, Kevin Jones, Ahman Green
WR - Hines Ward, Derrick Mason, Matt Jones, Lee Evans
TE - Kellen Winslow, JR, Vernon Davis
K - Jay Feely, Nate Kaeding
DEF - Seattle, Kansas City

Everybody loves their team after the draft, and I’m no exception. Sure, I’m a little light on Wide Receiver, but our league generally favors running backs and QB’s, and I think I did pretty well with these … of course, injuries are always the wild card. Hopefully, Seattle doesn’t get the Super Bowl hangover.

Drive-Thru P.I.A.'s

Yesterday, I was in the drive-thru line at Wendy’s, and it got me to thinking. It is important, yet usually overlooked, ignored, or never even learned. Yes, I’m talking about drive-thru etiquette. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure an official list exists, and if one does, please let me know about it. However, if one does not exist, let me be the first to start one on this blog (please, feel free to add to it).

First, I think it is important that we come to a consensus about the purpose of a drive-thru. In my humble opinion, a drive-thru’s purpose is to accommodate the customer who knows what he/she wants in a relatively speedy time. It is supposed to convenience the customer by allowing the customer to order from inside the car, and pick-up from inside the car (Now, there are a few places that allow one to order the food from home, or work, and pick up “curb-side.” This rant has nothing to do with those).

1. When going thru a drive-thru, please have an idea of what you are going to order. If you don’t know what you want, why not go inside the restaurant, where you can take as much time as you want looking at the menu, without inconveniencing others who already know what they want, and are hungry as hell. I see far too often, people looking over the menu for minutes at a time, trying to figure out what they want, seemingly oblivious to the line of cars behind them. I think it is selfish and rude, and in a perfect world, these people would be given some sort of ticket or citation for neglecting others.

2. If you have a rather large order, please either go inside to place it, or volunteer to move your car forward after ordering so that other orders can be placed promptly. I dread being behind a van full of people in a drive-thru, because I know that I will be spending far more time in the drive thru than I had originally intended. I understand that people with kids would rather just stay in the car and order the 18 happy meals, but one should really sometimes keep in mind the purpose of the drive-thru (see above). I am sure that when I have kids I may want to amend this one.

3. If you have coupons, or an order that you think might be screwed up when going through the drive-thru, it is best that you go inside to order. That way, you can have the piece of mind of checking the food at the counter, and making sure that the order was fulfilled to your satisfaction. Sometimes I feel like ramming the car in front of me, when the guy who ordered his special burger with onions, lettuce, sweet peppers, gets upset after thoroughly checking his burger and noticing the pickles on the patty. Asshole! Go inside to order you specialty sandwich – THE DRIVE THRU IS NOT THE PLACE TO DO THIS!

4. As with traffic lights, please pay attention to the car in front of you! I hate it when the person in front of me doesn’t realize (A) it is his/her turn to order, or (B) the car in front of them moved 20 seconds ago, yet the person is still sitting in park, waiting for lord knows what. PAY ATTENTION!

5. I’m pretty sure that the speakers in the drive-thru are good enough that one does not need to stick his/her entire upper torso out of the window and scream in order to place an order. I could be wrong about this, as I’ve never worked in a fast-food restaurant before, but I’ve never had to do this, and it seems like they can hear me loud and clear. I know, I know – this one doesn’t really waste any time, but if you get as annoyed as I do in a drive-thru, then you know that any little thing can be annoying.

I’m sure there are more, but this is a start.


Two Funny Quotes from Last Week:

"You know, it's still August." "Thanks, Nostra-dumbass." We were talking about how nice the weather was last week, but how the temperatures were slowly rising. So, Ryk informed us that it was still August. The zinger that Brian left was priceless.

"I thought you had already reached the absolute-zero of crazy." Joe, a coworker, informed us that he was to the point of going crazy. I came back with that comment. It got a few chuckles.

Atari vs. Intellivision

I want to start this post out by saying that I do not consider myself a "gamer." I don't pay $15 a month to be on a W.O.W. or Eve server, nor do I play Unreal Tournament or Guildwars. I do, however, own a PS2, and the most recent game I played on that was Arena League football. Other than that, I might play some occasional games that do not require a minimum of 4 hours straight of play a night.

With that said, we at work had an interesting conversation about the Atari 2600 - Intellivision wars of the late 1970's and early 1980's. As you can see, we are often very busy at work. Anyway, I figured I'd share my experiences, and encourage your thoughts, opinions, and experiences (if you too are old).

I owned an Atari way back in 1980, back when it was named Atari VCS (yeah, I'm old as mud, I know). I remember being overwhelmed with surprise/happiness when I opened this particular Christmas present. I wasn't really expecting to get it, even though I had asked for it repeatedly. My mom had informed me that the $120 price-tag on this system was far too high for "Santa" to pay for. Boy, did my mom ever sucker me in with that one.

As some of you may know, Combat was the game that was included with the Atari. It was a fun 2-player game, but since it came with the Atari, most of us thought it was lame. My parents (Santa) did purchase a second game for the system - Football. Looking back, the graphics and gameplay were kind of lame, but at the time, I didn't think life could get any better. I remember the sheer jubilance that swept through my soul when buying blockbuster games like Asteroids, Space Invaders, and Pac Man. It was like having an arcade in my basement (except, the arcade games were
always cooler).

I became friends with someone who had an Intellivision, and immediately my heart sank. The sports games were infinitely better than anything the poor Atari had to offer. Immediately, I felt like a second-class citizen, because I wasn't able to select from a multitude of football plays, nor was I able to get put in the penalty box in Atari's version of hockey. I wanted to go over to this kid's house every day to play Intellivision sports games.

But, as bad as Atari was with sports, they did have an edge (in my humble opinion) in other games. They had the rights to games like Pac Man, Centipede, Asteroids, and Space Invaders. All Intellivision could do was offer cheap rip-offs of these classics. Plus, Atari's Pitfall and Raiders of the Lost Ark were nearly impossible to put down (there were other classics from Activision like Stampede, Kaboom, Laser Blast, and
Freeway).

Of course, once Collecovision came out, the argument was moot, as it blew both aging systems out of the water. I passed up the Collecovision in favor of getting the Commodore 64 - probably another great discussion would be how many games people were able to collect for this system with all of the hacker disks that came out.

Anyway, I felt like I had to "nerd-out" for just a post, so anybody who hates video games, I apologize with providing my early experiences.

Stoppage Time

If it smells like a fox …
So, T.O. is causing ripples in Dallas already, eh? I have to admit that even I am shocked at how quickly this schmuck is rocking the boat in Big D. In case you hadn’t heard, Owens has yet to practice with the ‘Boys because of a hamstring injury (something he apparently complains about each and every offseason), AND he decided to skip his team’s first preseason game, AND apparently he decided to skip out on a book signing. Geez, I have no idea why T.O. is so misunderstood - he seems like a great guy. He has quickly reached Barry Bonds status with me (not a good thing), and I hope that somebody lays him out really good this season - to the point where he has trouble remembering if his name is T.O. or O.T. By the way, if things continue to sour in Dallas, I already have his next excuse lined up (remember, you heard it here first):

“The NFL is out to get me! They are intimidated with the star-power that I possess, and have asked all the other teams to mistreat me. They want me out of the game, and continually make up stories about how bad of a guy I am.” Mark it down, folks.


Pluto No Longer a Planet?
So, apparently, a bunch of scientists from around the world came together to come up with a definition of what a planet really is. Apparently these egg-heads are having a heated debate on whether or not Pluto should still be considered a planet. Guys, seriously, we’ve been calling it a planet for so long, why not leave it that way, instead of confusing society. Is it really that big of an issue at this point? Don’t we have more important things to worry about than this? Why should we care about this anyway? If Pluto is all of the sudden no longer considered a planet, will this cause sudden typhoons and earthquakes across our own planet? Just keep it that way. Besides, in my opinion, it is the second coolest named planet in our solar system (just behind Neptune).


Nice Headline
CNN.com has a headline “Bill Gates Pumping Cash Into AIDS-Blocking Gel.” Anybody else find this as funny as I did? Could CNN have used another word instead of “Pumping,” like maybe “donating” or “giving?”


And You’re a Sports Network?
I’ve noticed a lot more dart tournaments on ESPN in recent weeks. It got me to thinkin’. ESPN shows a lot of darts and a lot of poker. Additionally, they show bowling. Should any of these really be considered sports? Are all of these fun? Absolutely. But just because they are fun, and competitive, does this mean they are sports? Competitive eating can be fun and certainly competitive, but surely, this can’t be considered a sport, can it? Where do we draw the line with regards to sports? Is ESPN coming dangerously close to becoming what MTV is to music … or lack thereof? You know, I considered ESPN more of a sports network when they were showing Roller Derby (I was a big fan of the Bay City Rollers).

The Ass Dent

As promised, here is a picture of my car with the ass dent, courtesy of the cable guy. As you may recall, this happened when the cable guy was installing cable internet at my house. He fell off the ladder, onto the roof of my car, and created this rather large dent with his buttocks. He tried to get the dent out with my toilet plunger, to no avail (he even licked the plunger in order to "create suction."). I received a check for $2,000 from their insurance company to repair the damage ... which of course, I never did.

Who Will Carry the Torch?

I know I don’t normally do entire posts that have a sports theme, so I apologize to those of you read my posts and who have no interest in sports whatsoever (please, indulge me for this one time!).

A few days ago, an athlete on a Philadelphia professional sports team called it a career. The press conference was decidedly sad, as the player confessed to playing the sport since the age of 4. He informed us that he has a speech all laid out for this occasion, but didn’t realize that announcing his retirement would be this difficult … he then followed this statement up with something he never ever did while he played – he lost it and began to sob.

Eric Desjardins became a Flyer in 1995 after 6 very good seasons in Montreal. He won a cup for the Canadians, and even had a game in that final in which he scored all three goals for his team. The Flyers traded fan favorite Mark Recchi to the Habs for Desjardins, a what seemed to be potential all-star in Gilbert Dionne (his father was a legend in the game, so why not his son?), and a throw-in player in John LeClair (a player who became the best goal-scorer the Flyers have had since Tim Kerr). This goes down as the greatest trade that GM Bob Clarke has ever made … unfortunately, he has never come close to this kind of move since (a topic for another conversation).

Desjardins helped bring the Flyers back to contention almost overnight, and became the best defenseman on the team for a number of years. Heck, the Flyers were close to winning the cup on a few occasions with him anchoring the team. During his tenure, Desjardins logged an exceptionally high amount of ice-time on defense, mainly because the Flyers were never able to build around him. He never once complained about this.

When Eric Lindros was went through his hissy fit and was sub sequentially banished from the team, the Flyers gave the captaincy to Desjardins. Even though he never wanted to take on the load of being captain, he again, never once complained. He just went out and did his thing.

At times, the Philly fans were harsh to him, saying that he had lost a step. He had many potential excuses for this criticism, but never once posed one. He continued to play the game he loved. Towards the end, he began breaking down, receiving many serious injuries. Like a true warrior, he always fought back. Two seasons ago, he suffered a severe arm injury that should’ve sidelined him for the season. However, he rehabbed as hard as he could to try to help his Flyers finally achieve Lord Stanley’s cup, only to have his arm give out on him again.

I’m sure Eric Desjardins will never get the recognition he deserves in this city. The main reason was that he was never full of himself, and never showed off. He was content with just playing the game and leaving it at that. Unfortunately, the Jeremy Roenicks and Brett Hulls of the world will always be remembered more than the guys who never made a ripple in the headlines. I just wanted to write and say that I appreciated what Eric Desjardins gave us in Philly.

I’m sure Eric will make the Philadelphia Flyers Hall of Fame someday. I doubt he’ll have his number retired, considering the Flyers did not retire Mark Howe’s number, and in my opinion, he was the best defenseman that ever suited up in the orange and black (funny, Howe was also a player who shied away from the spotlight – go figure).

Stoppage Time

Stoppage Time


A Band?
Did you know that I am in a band? Neither did I. But, Ink and Stone has apparently put together some sort of surf rock band, and apparently, I’m one of the guitarists. “Does Los even play guitar,” you may ask. Actually, I do … well, I try at least. I’ve been practicing on acoustic guitar for about 8 months now, basically doing an online training. I’m a very long way away from being part of any legitimate band, but I like where Ink and Stone is going with the picture he made. Maybe this will motivate me to learn other songs besides “When the Saints Come Marching In.”

Notes to Self:

• Don’t sweat the petty things … and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• You don’t sing better in the shower, even though you think you do.
• Drinking beer does not make you smarter.


Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:“Why don’t you want to go to Chick-Fil-A … chicken?”

Quote of the Week:
"I'm so white, I create problems on dance floors." I had to go to the archives for this one, because I don’t remember any funny quotes from any of my friends … slackers. I said this doozy in March, well, because it’s true. I can do the Mick Jagger dance … and that’s about it.

Movie Duds

I am so behind with all of these summer blockbusters that are out. I’m at a loss as to which movie(s) to go and see. There are so many out right now that are piquing my interest (yes, I had to use a spell checker on that word). I haven’t even seen Superman, and I am dying to see Talladega Nights. You know, there was a time, not all that long ago, when I used to go to the movies all the time. I would easily go to the movies 15-20 times a summer … of course, that was back when it didn’t cost $10 to see a movie. When one sees that many movies, one will find great movies, and one will find absolutely terrible movies. With that said, here is a list of the five worst movies I had the “pleasure” of seeing in the movie theatre:

5. Toys – This movie came out around the time when Robin Williams was red-hot. He had just starred in such critically acclaimed movies as Awakenings, Cadillac Man, The Fisher King, and Hook (yes, it wasn’t awesome, but I’m pretty sure Disney made a ton on that one). Surely, Toys would deliver the goods, I thought. After all, it was a movie about a huge toy company, and Robin Williams played the owner’s son – how could this one possibly miss? I remember reading the reviews the day it came out, and to say that they were negative would be kind. I decided that the critics had their heads up their asses, and went to see it anyway. Sadly, the critics were dead-on. I’m not sure how many times I yawned or looked at my watch during this train-wreck (actually, it would’ve been at least exciting to watch a train wreck, this one was more like a long-winded sermon at church that nearly two hours). The story was hokey at best, and the actors were either miscast or simply mailed in their “performances.” The most annoying character was Joan Cusack’s character – this was the one we all were supposed to laugh with and relate to, but as the movie went on, I was hoping she would be tragically killed by a flaming 600-pound teddy-bear.

4. Joe vs. the Volcano – Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? Sign me up! Sure, these two wouldn’t truly hit it big together until a few years later with Sleepless in Seattle, but this had to be a good start, right? Not even close. This was the first movie I ever walked out on. I had to slap myself quite a few times just to stay awake. The plot was ludicrous (When a hypochondriac learns that he is dying, he accepts an offer to throw himself in a volcano at a tropical island, and along the way there, learns to truly live – from IMDB.com). Additionally, Meg Ryan played a couple of different characters, none of which were remotely endearing. Hanks wasn’t so bad, but not even he could save this one.

3. Betsy’s Wedding – This was during the tail-end of Molly Ringwald’s run as “that girl on those teen movies that isn’t really that attractive, but for some reason I still want to bone her.” This movie got me over that obsession. The plot was thinner than the thongs that Paris Hilton wears. Plus, Alan Alda played a main role, and let’s just say he didn’t quite bring back any memories of Hawkeye Pierce. With other actors like Madeline Kahn, Joe Pesci, and Catherine O’Hara in it, one would think this movie could get by on acting alone. Not the case. This movie is so bad, you would be hard pressed to find it playing on the WB on Saturday afternoon. Thankfully, I got see this one for free, as the girl I was seeing worked at the theatre. However, I will never get those two hours back.

2. Quiz Show/The Englishman That Went Up The Hill, But Came Down The Mountain – If they would’ve just kept both of these as documentaries, I would’ve happily watched them on the History Channel. Unfortunately, some movie producers had the bright idea of making both of these into movies. Even more unfortunate was the fact that I went to see both of these movies. My eyes welled with tears of boredom, as I sat trapped like a prisoner trying desperately to stay awake and sane throughout both of these yawners.

1. That Darn Cat – This has got to be the worst movie ever made. To top it off, it was a remake of a Disney movie from 1965 starring that “loveable” Disney whore, Dean Jones. For one reason or another, some executive at Disney (must’ve been that schmuck, Eisner), gave the green-light to go ahead and redo this festering pile of movie sludge. Normally, I wouldn’t even consider going to see something this obviously pathetic, but my girlfriend at the time insisted we go (it was a compromise – we would go see this, and then go and see Howard Stern’s Private Parts). I couldn’t even tell what the plot was, because it was erased from my memory almost immediately. However, I did decide to look it up on IMDB.com, and noticed that Disney once again allowed Dean Jones to have a part in this flick (Just swallowed some vomit after realizing this). Other actors who appeared in this fart-stain, and who obviously were either intoxicated or desperate for work, included Peter Boyle, Christina Ricci, Michael McKean, and John Ratzenberger. As the movie ended, my girlfriend looked at me and said, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I almost punched her in the throat (I would never hit a girl, but I don’t think anybody would blame me).

Stoppage Time (Part 2)

I’m gone a friggin’ week, and all of this shite happens:

• I’m guessing most (if not all) of you have heard something about the Mel Gibson meltdown that happened last week (Some of you have probably even written about it). I figured I’d at least add my two cents, even though I’m sure it’s old news already. I used to think that Mel was a cool guy – he had the looks (no, I’m not gay), and had some really cool movies (The Lethal Weapon series). What happened to this guy? Not only did he decide to go Kevin Costner on us (making his own movies), but then, he inexplicably went Pat Robertson and Nick Nolte on us in the same night. Personally, I bet that this is a publicity stunt for his upcoming movie that sounds about as interesting as the Tony Danza show. But still, why would a guy this popular risk it all by making ridiculous anti-Semitic comments? Mel, sometimes it’s better not to rock the boat. I get this feeling that Gibson and Tom Cruise may be in an ABC sitcom by 2010.

• Bobby Abreu and Corey Lidle were traded by the Phils last week, and dang it all if they didn’t start winning. Isn’t it funny how a team responds when you take some of the negative, lazy piles of dung out of the locker room? Shame they didn’t make this kind of move in the offseason.

• The U.S. and France somehow came up with a peace treaty for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Umm, how the hell did these two work together to do anything positive? I wouldn’t have been more surprised if I had woken up with my face stapled to the carpet.

• Thankfully, football season starts tonight … sure, it is just a preseason game, but now we can finally focus our attention away from the three-ringed circus at Citizen’s Bank Park, and watch some gridiron entertainment. Additionally, tonight starts the unofficial fantasy scouting for about 150 million Americans. Gotta love gambling!

Holy Heat-Wave, Batman!

I am finally back from vacation (or holiday for you readers in the UK), and I know it is a bit cliché, but I can’t believe the week went by so quickly. It honestly feels like just a few days ago, we were packing the car, and on our way to the Outer Banks. If only work went by so quickly.

Just some quick thoughts about the vacation:
• We had a heat index of over 115 for about 4 days in Kill Devil Hills. At times, it was absolutely stifling. Thank goodness we had a pool where we were staying, because if we didn’t, I probably would’ve just watched tv inside all week.

• The restaurants in the Outer Banks are incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever had soup that was better than the stuff they make down there.

• I’m not sure if this is true or not, but I think it is o.k. for guys to drink frozen drinks when temperatures reach 100 degrees. They were refreshing when even the breeze wasn’t helping.

• Remember that suggestion I made regarding having options for breakfast sides instead of just home-fries? Well, The Outer Banks restaurants give you options - hopefully, this trend will gain force and make its way to Philly. If not, I encourage Smokin’ Steve to open up a “My Big Fat F**kin’ Diner.”

• Mixed drinks seem to taste better in extreme heat, as can be evidenced by the picture of me that I sent to Smokin’ Steve (he was so nice to post it for all of you here: http://mybigfatfkinhead.blogspot.com/). To quickly rehash (I’ll go into more detail in my next post), I had 2 Hurricanes, 2 Margaritas, 4 Long Island Iced Teas (really strong ones, as well), and 2 shots of Jagermeister. This is the face you make after all of those drinks.

• I was shocked that I was able to make it an entire week without a computer. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of doing it, but when you have enough distractions, like a beach, a pool, great food, and alcohol, you can make it through … trust me!


I have a few “Note To Self” tidbits for ya:
• Just because you can’t see your feet, doesn’t mean they won’t get sunburned.

• Even though Long Island Iced Teas tasted really good, doesn’t mean they are not potent.

• Remember to apply sunscreen often on your nose so that Santa doesn’t mistake you for Rudolph.


Quote of the Week:
“There was a time when I thought Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” was the best song ever made. I remember saying to myself, ‘Has Mr. Richie just created the perfect song?’ What other artist could combine a tantalizing soft-reggae groove, quotes like ‘Feel Good, Feel Good,’ and ‘Zombo-litte-Zettimone-ya,’ and mix that with the addictive melody of those horns at the end of the song? I truly wished the length of the song actually mirrored the title of the song, and often thought about e-mailing Mr. Richie to inform him of my thoughts. Of course, once K.C. and The Sunshine Band’s ‘Give It Up,’ was released, I was shocked to discover that Mr. Richie’s song was no longer the best ever.”


Stupid Karl Joke of the Week:
I wonder if that Moose Lodge has any cool “A-moose-ments.”