Some Things I Learned This Weekend ...

Some Interesting Things I found out This Weekend

1. A friend of mine once had such a dry spell when it came to dating, that even a girl he wasn’t going out with called him up and broke up with him … I’m not sure one can get any lower than this.

2. Guy’s Night Out isn’t apparently what it once was … at least with regards to some of my friends. We spend this “night” watching the first game of the NCAA basketball semifinals. By 9:00, my one friend was ready for bed … sigh.

3. Apparently, everybody knows a good auto body place to go to. When I mentioned that I was involved in a little fender-bender, I got what seemed be endless suggestions on where to take my car. By the way, the final cost of the damager to my car was … get this …. $4,675.00. Unbelievable.

4. That movie, RV, starring Robin Williams, sucks. When was the last time he was in a really funny movie? It’s depressing. There was a time when this guy could do no wrong. Now, even Chevy Chase doesn’t think he’s funny.

5. In a conversation with a good friend, we were talking about games we used to play as kids, and he brought up one in which he couldn’t remember the entire name. He said it was called, “Something or Dare.” This produced a plethora of other titles like, “Hide-and-go something,” “Marco something,” “Kick the something,” “basket-something,” and “Cowboys and something.” I know what you’re thinking … and no, we aren’t retarded.

6. This same friend used to write and produce his own “newspaper” as a kid, complete with world news and a comic strip. In fact, one summer, he was releasing it daily … I thought this was weird and cool at the same time.

Stoppage Time

Just some thoughts and observations to wrap up a rather hectic week. Enjoy (or don’t):

1. Haven’t gotten an estimate on the repairs to the car yet. In talking with my insurance agent, it seems as if the girl who unceremoniously hit me with her tank is trying to change her story. Apparently, she now “remembers” that I had put my car in reverse when she was entering the parking lot … strange, as I have never knowingly exited a parking lot in reverse before. I guess I should be thankful that I got the police report, in which she stated that the sun was in her eyes when she was turning (which is a good reason to make that turn as quickly as possible).

2. I don’t know why, but for some reason I find fat guys in suits funny … this is probably why I’m a Laurel and Hardy fan ... and why I’m such good fans with the Reverend.

3. So, all I’m hearing about from just about everywhere is stuff about this American Idol knucklehead contestant named Sanjaya. Apparently, he’s got very little talent, but he wears such exotic (flaming) outfits that he has managed to make it to the final 10. Seriously, why does anybody even bother at this point.

4. Nickleback, I’m serious … STOP MAKING MUSIC! That goes for you too, 3-Doors Down!

5. Could it be true that ESPN has released both Michael Irvin AND Joe Theismann? Why not hit the trifecta and let that ass-hat Merril Hoge go as well?

6. Easter would be a great holiday if it wasn’t for that unnecessary tradition of eating ham.

7. I’m intrigued/concerned about the latest Will Farrell movie release, Blades of Glory. I’ve liked most of the Farrell movies I’ve seen, but I hope he didn’t jump the shark with Anchorman, it seems as though his movies after this point haven’t approached the pure comic genius of the prior movies.

8. This last piece is a “comic” strip done a while ago by one of my former coworkers – it is probably only funny to me and a few others, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway:

The Aftermath!

Thanks to a great suggestion by Superstar, I am showing you a picture my car, a 2005 Nissan Altima (named Smokey) after it was hit by the notorious Chevelle. The suggestion was to have you all estimate the cost to fix her. Bob Barker would be proud!

The second picture shows the back bumper being held in place by duct tape (it was hanging off the car originally).

And the Hits Keep Comin' ...

So, I was having trouble coming up with something to blog about today, when it hit me … literally!

What started out as a pretty good weekend, came crashing down in the Kohls’ parking lot on Sunday afternoon. My wife and I spent Sunday doing some shopping, going to places like Linens and Things, Marshalls, Bed Bath and Beyond, prior to reaching the “climactic” destination. Yes, some may say I was getting in touch with my “feminine” side, and that’s o.k. I don’t mind shopping with my wife every once in a while. However, in hindsight, I probably should’ve just stayed home.

As we were leaving the Kohls parking lot, I noticed a black 1970 Chevelle (another reason for me to hate Chevy now) flying into the parking lot, apparently not noticing the smoke-gray 2005 Nissan Altima that was pulling out. It wasn’t even a contest – the Chevelle smeared the rear driver’s side door, and took off the back panel and bumper for good measure. The Chevelle had a few scratches on the bumper, but outside of that ,was in pristine condition.

The culprits? Two 16-year-old girls who apparently couldn’t wait to dive into the savings offered at Kohls. They were a little shaken up emotionally, and for good reason. This is probably going to raise their insurance rates a decent chunk. We called the cops, and the young driver called her dad. The dad showed up first – he surveyed the accident, and give me his insurance information. As an aside, he used to work for an Auto Body company, and gave me the info and suggested I take my car there. Additionally, he has his own home improvement company (self employed), and I got his card, so maybe he’ll offer me a good rate if I ever need my attic or bathroom done.

What sucks is that nobody is available at my insurance company until 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, which means that I’ll be late for work … hopefully, that is all I’ll have to deal with. What a way to end the weekend … at least nobody was hurt, so I guess it could’ve been worse.

On Second Thought ...

You know how sometimes when you say or do something stupid, it comes back to “haunt” you? It’s called Karma, and I have an “egg-shell-ent” story that demonstrates this “principle.”

To give you a little set-up, I was a freshman at college when this story took place. I had come back home for spring break, and went to a friend’s house for a party – kind of a chance for all of us high school and neighborhood buddies to get back together and catch up. Well, since this friend had a sister who was one year younger than us, she invited some of her friends to the party … of course these friends were still in high school.

I was standing around a pool table in the basement, when this one girl who I knew but never talked to came up to me. We started chatting a little bit, when out of nowhere she starts talking about all these wild sex stories, even mentioning to me that she would never pass up a good f*ck. Naturally, I found this story quite interesting, but felt she was all talk. I decided to go upstairs and watch some of the Flyers game. Shockingly enough, she followed me upstairs, then started going around all the rooms of the house. She then came back and informed me that it was a shame that all the rooms were taken because she was hoping to give me the best “hummer” of my life. Never one to pass up an opportunity, I pulled my car keys out, and she immediately took me to my car. I won’t go into any details, but let’s just say it was a good start to the spring break.

Fast forward to the end of the semester. I come home from school, and go back to work at the pet shop that I had been working at for a few years prior to college. A coworker mentioned that he took this same girl to his prom a few weeks ago, and that she was absolutely wild and crazy. I have trouble passing up on opportunities for a good joke – so I told him that I heard she may have some sort of disease, and that he really should get himself checked out. He got all nervous and sweaty, and asked me questions about this … and of course I was very vague about the answers I gave. Sadly, I forgot to let him off the hook at the end of the night, which prompted him to go to school the next morning and confront her.

He basically asked if she was in good health. She got very defensive and made (understandably), and she asked who he heard this from. He said he didn’t want to give up his source, so she started going through a list of names. When she got to my name, he nodded … what a guy. Later that night, she came to the pet-shop, and motioned me over. I immediately thought to myself that she wanted another round of “Vitamin K.” So, I went over. She asked me to come closer, which I obligingly did, thinking that she wanted me to plant a kiss on her right then and there. Unfortunately, that was not her desire. Instead, she planted an egg on the top of my head. As I was picking the egg shells and gunk out of my hair, she took off – I stood there yelling something stupid to the effect of, “And stay out!” I guess the “yolk” was on me.

I hope we all learned a lesson here.

This and That...

Here are some questions you’ve probably been dying to ask me – consider yourselves lucky I decided to answer them:

1. What is your favorite breakfast meat?
“Believe it or not, this is a tough one for me. It really comes down to two – sausage and bacon, but not that Canadian bacon crap – looks too much like ham. I’m leaning towards bacon, because the smell of it cooking moves me more than the smell of sausage cooking ... and yes, it comes down to that for me.”

2. If you could choose anybody to be president, who would it be?
“I think I’d choose the Wolf from Pulp Fiction. The guy had a way of cleaning up messy situations … sounds like the perfect gift for a president to have.

3. Are you a cat man or a dog man?
“Dogs, dogs, dogs (and not in a sick way, ok?). Cats have about as much of a personality as Bill Wyman.

4. If you had to choose between having to puke, or having to go diarrhea, which would you rather do?
“I’d rather just go for it and shit my pants. I hate puking. I hate the sound, sight, and smell of puke.

5. What would your dream job be?
“Phew, anything that would pay me a lot of money, and produce very little stress on me. I would love to talk sports, movies, and farts … if somebody would give me a lot of money to do this, I would be a happy man.”

6. Your favorite fast-food chain?
“Ugh – tough call. If I could form a hybrid that included Wendy’s Kaiser rolls, Burger King’s flame-broiled patties, and McDonalds’ French fries, I’d be a happy man … probably weighing 50 more pounds as well.”

7. Who was the first person you had a crush on?
“I was in fifth grade. The girl’s name was Kathy. She thought I was a toad. Maybe it was the red sneakers my mom made me wear. Once, she got head lice. I still had a crush on her. I was a sick kid.”

8. Do you have a first memory?
“I remember my mom threatening to not let me outside until I pooped in the toilet … I held out for 3 days until I finally pooped again … some things have a way of staying with you for some reason.”

9. Who is your favorite super hero?
“I’ve never been really big into Super Heroes. However, I always liked El-Kabong.”

10. What would you rather be doing right now?
“I would rather be swimming in money … a lot of money.”

Where Did The Weekend Go?

It was a fun weekend all around for the most part. It started a little earlier than normal, thanks to the ice storm that the weather forecasters once again miscalled. I ended up leaving work at 1:30 p.m., and thankfully I did, because not long after that, the blue route was stifled because of multiple accidents. So, I was home safe and sound by 2:30, and was able to get the chores that I normally do on Friday evening done much earlier. Of course, I got a frantic phone call from my wife – she was at the train station and her car wasn’t starting … I later found out that the reason behind this was because my wife, bless her soul, left the lights on … again … the second time in two weeks.

After we got her car started (she said she was going to ask someone at the train station to “jump-her,” to which I responded, “maybe you can phrase that a little differently.”), we came home, made some dinner, and hung out in the basement, watching some of the basketball games (at least, I was), throwing darts, and just relaxing … we had a big day ahead of us on Saturday.

Well, Saturday morning comes, and I realize that I have to shovel 2-3 inches of thick ice from my driveway and sidewalk … oh the joys. My back, shoulders, arms, and legs are throbbing more than 24-hours later. It took about 2 hours to fully shovel … normally, it may take up to ½ hour, but for special icy occasions (ones we’ve had all to much this year), I get to “work out” a little longer.

Then, it was time for our inaugural “public transportation St. Patty’s Day bar tour,” which had to be changed slightly, thanks to said icy conditions. We started off by hitting two Irish bars – R.P. McMurphy’s and Haggarty’s. Then, we decided to eat some Irish dinner at the …. Italian Delight pizza shop (we were already a few beers in … and besides, I HATE ham and cabbage). We ended up going to a few not-so-Irish bars – Walt’s Red Rose and the Frontier Saloon, pissed a few people off with our group intoxication, and then finally too the bus to our final destination – The Milmont Inn.

The Milmonster, as we like to call it, is the classic description of a dive bar … with an unfortunate Notre Dame fighting Irish logo to go with it. But, since I was already hammered, I decided to ignore the logo and have a good time anyway. I’ve only been to this bar maybe 3 times in my life, and the first two times were pretty non-descript. But, for one reason or other, we had an absolute blast this last time – sometimes a perfect storm of alcohol, friends, and good music can make any bar fun (this, I’ve learned on a number of occasions). We spend more than 4 hours there prior to calling it a night (at the request of my liver).

So, Sunday was mainly a lazy, relaxing, recovery day – one in which I watched both The Money Pit, AND Animal House. I’ve also watched some of the basketball games, but since my basketball pool now has more holes in it than Swiss cheese, I’ve rapidly lost interest (hey, at least Duke was ousted … speaking of which, I made an interesting comparison … Duke Basketball = Notre Dame football). I’m sure I’ll go for the trifecta and find a third silly/funny movie to watch before the day is out (helps me keep my mind off of Mondays).

It's All About Karma...

So, remember how I was having trouble with "Chrome Repot?" Funny, I wasn't the only one. To make a long story short, somebody wrote an article about how this company, which once was all about customer service, has forgotten the customer. Additionally, the company's stock prices have fallen faster than Brittany Spears' fame.

I have two articles for you guys to look into. Apparently, the new CEO of Chrome Repot is set on repairing this company's shattered image, by "rectifying" customer complaints, and refocusing the company on customer service (and customer satisfaction). We'll see - I posted my complaint on the message board as well as sending my complaint via e-mail to the company. I'll keep you all posted.

Check out these stories:

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/Extra/HomeDepotShaftingShoppers.aspx

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/Extra/HomeDepotCEOWeLetYouDown.aspx

Deep Thoughts ...

I promised something funny after the last blog, and here it is. These are some “thoughts” a friend of mine sent me:

1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
16. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool Lane?
17. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
18. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
19. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
20. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

We'll Miss Ya, Richard ...

Sad news to pass along – Richard Jeni, a very funny comedian, one I was very fond of (not in a gay way), passed away over the weekend. According to some reports, it looks as if he committed suicide. I guess sometimes it doesn’t matter how successful one is, because success doesn’t always equate to happiness.

Jeni was very good with observational humor, much like Jerry Seinfeld, but probably with a little harder of an edge. He was one of the best at working a room, and he was able to generate new material rather quickly. He did manage to make it to the silver screen, landing a part in The Mask as Jim Carey’s bank work buddy. He was pretty good in this limited role. Additionally, he’s done a lot of commercial voiceover work in his time. Quite honestly, I’m shocked he never really hit it big with a sit com or a lead role in a movie. Sometimes, those are the breaks, I guess.

The suicide thing connects to me, not because I’ve ever tried to commit suicide, but because my older brother committed suicide. Don’t worry, I’ve learned to deal with it, but it is something I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over. But, I do want to make a sort of a public service announcement to you all.

In case any of you (or people you know) ever contemplate taking your life, just remember this – it’s never the easy way out, even though at times it may seem that way. I have had a difficult time forgiving my brother for what he did, not only to me, but more-so to my parents. The strong foundation that I had growing up was rocked by this, and has never fully been the same. My parents are very strong people … sometimes too strong for their own good. They have been conditioned to internalize many feelings - probably a product of growing up in World War II Germany.

I was used to this … but when their first son took his own life, not even they could hide their emotions. It was one of the most depressing moments of my life … I wasn’t even as depressed that I lost a brother – I was more depressed that my parents lost their son. Even as we approach the 15-year point of this tragic event, my parents have still not fully recovered. They thought, and continue to think, that it is a sign of weakness to go and get professional help in dealing with this. The worst part is that they think it is their fault TO THIS DAY that he ended it.

This is why I have trouble forgiving Albert for what he did. For even though he “took the easy way out,” he ended up taking part of my parents with him, and dumping his problems on the rest of us. During the time I should’ve been mourning, I cursed him. I couldn’t believe that he would do something so selfish, and never consider the consequences. It’s hard for me to put myself in that position, though. I understand from talking with others who have contemplated suicide that it’s not about being selfish, it’s about feeling lonely, and thinking the world would be a better place without their existence.

It took me 5 years to visit his grave. I’ve only gone back a few times since. I was lucky enough to have some great friends to help me through this. At the time, I probably should’ve gone for professional help, but I just didn’t know my options, I guess. My friends became my rock. They helped me through those first few years. I wish my parents could get over this, and I hope that this post at the very least puts things into perspective for any of you who may be feeling overly depressed.

Sorry for the depressing post – I just got off on a tangent with it. I promise I’ll be funnier next post.

California, here I come ...

My wife and I have begun planning our vacation … this year’s destination – San Francisco and the Napa Valley. Here’s the thing – I am not a wine drinker by nature. I am 100% German (both parents are from the “Vaterland”), which means I have a strong taste for beer. My wife LOVES wine, and I’m certainly willing to give anything a chance. Plus, after watching Sideways, it seemed like getting to know wine a little better would be kind of cool.

A few of my friends dig wine as well. A fellow blogger, and good friend, the Rev, has been diving into the wine tasting (and drinking) hobby. I figure if he’s enjoying it, I’m missing out on something.

Becoming a wine aficionado takes lots of time (and lots of money, I’m guessing). Currently if you handed me a glass of Thunderbird and told me it was Dom Perignon, I’d believe you … translation, my pallet is not so advanced when it comes to vino. But, again, I’ll give anything a try, and what better place to go to do this (outside of Europe), than to go to Napa.

If any of you bloggers have any suggestions for me, please pass them along. These can be suggestions on wines that I should give a try (please, keep them on the reasonably priced level), books to read, websites to go to, or any places to visit in Napa. Thanks in advance for the love.

Stoppage Time

Just some random thoughts for the end of the week:

• I’ve had a lot of issues with “Chrome Repot,” as you probably know. Well, now I have another one. Because of a lack of forethought, I had to purchase salt today (it snowed, our sidewalk and driveway were icy). I went to said hardware store to purchase this bag of salt. Ten frickin’ dollars for this bag. I know this is capitalism at its best, and if I was smarter, I would’ve purchase a bag last week when temperatures were in the 60’s. But still, I’m really starting to hate this company.

• This may be a little late, but I had to comment about Anna Nicole’s funeral. Am I the only one who thought that this may have been a little excessive? I mean, not only having a country music singer perform at this event, but to release a bunch of white doves as well? I thought we only lost a bimbo, not a deity. Things like this tend to bug me.
  
• So, apparently Allen Iverson is causing trouble in Denver now – so much so that Carmelo Anthony might get benched. This cat is some kind of team wrecker, isn’t he? Maybe Allen should change his last name to Owens. But, here’s the irony – what if the Sixers somehow happened to back their way into the playoffs, AND Denver tanks and misses the playoffs? I wonder what Iverson’s defense about this would be.
  
• I just switched cable companies (and phone and internet) from Comcast to RCN. I found it humorous how Comcast has been calling me all week trying to make these spectacular offers to get me back. Where the hell were you guys when I was complaining about the high prices a few months ago? Funny how priorities change when you remove their power.
  I got a kick out of reading about how some far-right groups do not want Giuliani to be the Republican choice to run for president in 2008 because he is divorced. I try never to reveal my political affiliation, mainly because I agree/disagree with both sides on issues, and more importantly, I think they are for the most part scum-bags. But, this one killed me. I’m surprised these lunatics haven’t gotten Pat Robertson into the White House yet.
  
• Does every Chevy commercial have to be annoying?

Maybe you should just order the hot dog ..

I went on a guys night out this past weekend with buddies from grade school – kind of amazing how we all still are friends after this many years. Anyway, it is very customary for “the fellas” to pretty much constantly make fun of each other from the second we see each other … People with thinner skin probably would’ve offed themselves long ago, but not us. Again, pretty amazing how we’ve all managed to remain friends for so long.

There was one moment that really stood out as being the funniest/head-scratchingest (is that a word?) event of the night. After hanging out at the Toll House (yes, it’s still open, somehow), we decided to go to a Japanese restaurant, Hibachi. A friend of ours, we’ll call him “Big Red,” ordered the Philadelphia roll. Now, most people would expect that when they order a Philadelphia roll at a Japanese restaurant, that this would be some form of sushi, right (I know, I’m making a leap of faith here)?

When his appetizer came, Big Red was perplexed. This is not at all what he had in mind when he ordered the Philadelphia roll. In fact, when the waitress informed him about the sea-weed wrap, Big Red’s face got so white, local snow-men got jealous. He immediately began unwrapping the sushi, scraping the rice off of the seaweed, and eating the contents of the wrap.

One of us HAD to ask him what he thought he was ordering. He responded that since it was a Philly roll, he had expected the sour cream and salmon to be on an Amoroso (South Philly sub) roll. My question is this – does anybody else make this same “assumption” when ordering a Philly roll or any kind of roll for that matter at a Japanese restaurant? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

De-do-do-do ... de-da-da-da ...

I just found out that a good friend of mine was able to get me tickets to the Police concert taking place in Philly on July 19 – I am thrilled by this because (A) I’ve never had the opportunity to see the Police in concert (I was all of 13 the last time they played together at Live Aid), and (B) I love a good rock concert, and these guys fit that bill nicely … it could quite possibly be the best rock concert of the summer (and that’s saying something with groups like Genesis, and maybe Van Halen planning tours).

However, I do have some concerns. Oh, I guess they aren’t huge concerns, but nevertheless, I thought I’d share them with you. First and foremost, I sincerely hope that they ONLY play Police songs. I really don’t want to hear any of the Sting solo crap that he has “graced” us with over the past 20 years. There was a time when the Police were cutting edge, and the music sounded fresh with a nice fusion of reggae, rock, and maybe even a little R&B.

But when Sting set forth on his solo journey from hell, he shed cutting edge musical dynamo of the Police and jumped into the world of Adult Contemporary boringness (is that even a word?). His catalogue of songs now grace easy listening stations, and he is no longer looked at as a musical pioneer. Sure, there may have been a few tunes that weren’t so bad, but for the most part, he was traveling to the “ancient” rocker burial grounds with the likes of Elton John, Brian Adams, and Rod Stewart.

By the way, this observation is not up for debate – I don’t want to hear from any of you Sting fans who will try to defend him. When he left the Police, he really should’ve change his name. Sting sounds like a manly name, and this by no means carried over to the steaming pile of songs he shat out. He should’ve just gone back to using his real name, Gordon.

Another issue is whether or not the Police can recapture the magic of the Police of the early 1980’s. Sure, they sounded great during the Grammies, when they performed Roxanne. But, can they put together a good 2 hour show? Andy Somers was looking mighty old on stage, standing still much like Billy Wyman.

I have faith, though. The songs themselves should help to carry the band members. For the most part, they seem rejuvenated. And, if they do decide to create some more songs, let’s hope that Sting and the gang can at least put forth a decent effort.

Come and Knock On My Door ...

I’m sure you local Philly people read or heard about this story, but for those of you who haven’t – a principal in an Allentown school district was arrested for dealing crystal-meth (http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/16807399.htm). Now, that would be strange, and just wrong in itself, however, the news about what was discovered when the cops arrested him in his office is laughable, to say the least.

According to news reports, the cops entered his office to arrest him, when they discovered him naked, watching gay porn, with sex toys. Many questions come to mind when reading this story. First, and foremost, how the hell could this guy rise all the way up to principal of a school without anybody noticing his … er …. Um … tendencies? Don’t you think other teachers would’ve or should’ve caught onto this guy long before he got to his place of power?

I remember when I was in high school, and there was a teacher who was the “cool teacher.” I think most people can remember a guy (or gal) teacher they had in school who was the “cool one.” Usually, this teacher had long hair, dressed kind of scraggly, usually had rock and roll posters or pictures hanging in his (or her) room. Yep, he was the guy that most people agreed probably still smoked pot on a regular basis.

Heck, I even had a teacher who used to play the harmonica in the stalls when he was “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.” But, I’m pretty sure that I’ve never had a teacher, or principal for that matter, who ever chose to watch porn naked in his room, whilst also being a drug dealer … I’m pretty sure I would’ve found out some way about this (and hopefully not the “wrong” way, if you know what I mean).

Another question is, what is an adequate penalty for this schmuck? Think about it – he probably was probably a pretty influential figure in the school – or at least I would think someone with his title would be. Was his school zone one of those “drug free school zones,” and if so, will his penalty be substantially higher than a school that isn’t a “drug free school zone?”

Finally, what about his secretary? I’m guessing she was (a) so oblivious and stupid that she probably wasn’t even qualified to bag groceries, or (b) an accomplice to this. I mean, did she take orders for the principal? Who replaces this guy as principal? Does the school board opt for a more hard-line person, or will they try to find somebody that can continue supplying them with the “hook-up?”

Woah, Ogre, That's Heavy...

On Saturday night, prior to playing poker (see Rev’s blog), a few of the “early-birds” and I were sitting at my bar enjoying a beer, when we got into the topic of television shows. We talked at length about Lost, The Office, and Heroes, when something interesting struck me. It had to do with the “more successful” shows on television within the past 5-7 years.

As many of you know, traditionally successful television shows have made their money on syndication (check out Cheers and Seinfeld for this). These shows, although loosely tied from one episode to another, could be shown in syndication in no particular order. These shows didn’t rely on past shows, as they basically put together individual plots or story lines for each episode. These storylines would start and finish in the span of ½ hour (or one hour sometimes). This worked perfectly well for syndication.

However, with the advent of DVDs, this has seemed to change (or at least in my opinion, it has). I think we got the idea with Family Guy. It was canceled by FOX after a few seasons, because it couldn’t get a strong enough core of viewership. However, when the show was offered on DVD, sales went through the roof … so much so that FOX actually brought it back from the graveyard.

OK, sure Family Guy is one of those shows that can be shown in no particular sequence, which makes it perfect for syndication. However, DVD sales were a MAJOR part of the profit margin of this show. In fact, I believe some people at FOX said something along the lines of, “we don’t care how few people actually tune in to watch it, as long as the DVD sales remain strong – we’ll keep it on the air.”

Now, we see all kinds of tv shows being offered on DVD – everything from All in the Family to Lost … which conveniently brings me to my point. The creators of Lost (and the network itself) don’t seem to care so much about syndication, or at least not as much. Instead, DVD sales has become a major “motivation” for producing shows. A show like Lost can’t really work in syndication (or can it – I’m not sure), because the beauty of Lost (and 24, and Heroes) is that each episode builds on top of the last one, and there is no discernable start or finish to a plot line (at least not per episode). I can’t see this translating to syndication on a nightly level … maybe more like a marathon here and there. You certainly can’t put a show like 24 on every night at 7:00 p.m. on the CW network and expect a larger viewership (again, in my opinion), because of the newer view on storylines and plot lines.

So, what happens with syndication? Will we continue to see the same shows like Seinfeld and Friends on syndicated networks even 20 years down the line? Should I not even concern myself with this? Looking back on this post, I probably could’ve written some sort of journal entry for this (or not). I just thought it was interesting, and wanted to share it with you and get your thoughts on this. I’ll return to being funny/stupid in my next post.

Sunday Drivers!

You’ve probably heard that term “Sunday Driver” before, right? You know – the kinds of drivers who drive too slow, sometimes swerve accidentally and repeatedly, basically people who have no business being on the road … these are the people that used to only come out on Sundays, generally for church, groceries, and bingo. Well, I have news for ya – they’re taking over Saturday as well.

I generally don’t get road rage – when driving I’m usually a patient person. Yesterday, my patience was tested … on numerous occasions. First, as I’m driving down Mac Dade Boulevard, a lady passes the intersection, then decides she wants to make the turn anyway, of course all the while not even thinking to pay attention to oncoming traffic – and as luck would have it, oncoming traffic was me. I was able to apply the brakes with enough pressure as to swerve and miss this ignorant goofball, and the best part was that she continued to be oblivious to the whole situation. She should be thankful that I wasn’t one of Andy Reid’s sons.

Then, while in the parking lot of a shopping center, it seemed as if every driver decided that they HAD TO BACK INTO THE PARKING SPACES! I hate these people with a passion, and generally, I’ll try to find them in the stores after they park in order to give them a dirty look (hey, it makes me feel better, dammit!). Anyway, I know this may be a touchy subject, because some of you might actually be “back parkers.” Yes, I know that it does ultimately save YOU time when leaving a shopping center, you probably didn’t realize that this also wastes a tremendous amount of time for everybody else who is trying to park (and shop).

There were numerous other incidents with people in the left lane not putting on their turn signals, and me having to wait behind them because I didn’t realize they were going to turn … I even flicked one of the turn-signally-challenged drivers the bird (something I normally never do). If there was a way to either build roads exclusively for Sunday drivers (so they didn’t have to get in our way), or if we could just take their licenses away entirely, I’d be cool with that.

Top That!

A friend of mine recently put together a list of the top 50 rock and roll albums of all-time. His list included a Coldplay album, and an Alanis Morrisette, but curiously no Oasis and no Nirvana. Predictably, I had serious problems with his list. We got into an argument about this. I informed him that the disagreement was about syntax – if he just would’ve said “My top 50 Favorite Albums), all would be fine. However, he challenged me to put together my top 50 list. Currently, I have no time to do this, but I will put together a list of 10 albums that I absolutely love. In no way, am saying these are the best of all time – I know that I can’t make such a grandiose statement like this. But, I do hope that you will share your thoughts and list some albums you enjoy. I promise not to be too critical. Note – I will not be including greatest hits – that is for a different blog altogether:

1. Rolling Stones, Some Girls – In my opinion, this is the perfect album. It has rock, folk, country, and disco masterfully put together in such a way, that the entire album can easily (and enjoyably) be listened to from start to finish. This was a comeback of sorts for the Stones in 1978 after a string of lackluster albums (although I still love Black and Blue, Goats Head Soup, and It’s Only Rock and Roll).

2. The Who – Who’s Next – Many people think that Tommy or Quadrophenia are better albums, and although they are certainly more artistic, they can’t compete with the lineup of songs on this classic. Plus, the cover art is pretty funny.

3. The Killers – Hot Fuss – Just a great first release from this group with massive potential (the second album, Sam’s Town, is pretty good as well). A nice mix of disco and rock, with some fantastically strange lyrics (Somebody told me, you had a boyfriend who looked like the girlfriend I had in February).

4. Platinum Blonde – Standing in the Dark – Sure, call me gay, but I think this album is just incredible. Most, if not all, of you probably don’t even know this group, and chances are it’ll be tough to find anything from these guys on I-Tunes. This was their first release, and their sound is very similar to Duran Duran at this point, but they seem to have more powerful drums and more defining guitar-work. Still, they manage to keep the songs poppy and catchy (except, for some reason, the door never opened for them in the U.S.).

5. Electric Six – Fire – I keep telling myself that these guys are gonna be big someday soon. Maybe it’s better that they are not. This cd should be a party cd in every college dorm room – just some great disco, funk, heavy metal, and arena rock melding. If the song Danger, High Voltage doesn’t make your feet tap, you might want to start making funeral arrangements.

6. The Afghan Whigs – 1965 – This band was well-established by the time they released this gem in the late 1990’s. The schizophrenic writing and singing of Greg Dulli is chilling, yet comforting in a weird way. The soul-influenced sound, combined with distorted guitar play and vocals makes this band unique. An amazing mix of tunes that could be played at a heavy metal bar or at a séance.

7. Rolling Stones – Voodoo Lounge – Yes, I’m putting two albums from the Stones on this list … it’s MY list, dammit! And this strong release is probably the best Stones effort in at least a decade. The diversity displayed in this album is remarkable (Charlie Watts actually played drums on a trashcan in one of the songs). Quite possibly, my favorite Stones song ever hails from this 1994 release – Sparks Will Fly.

8. Urge Overkill – Exit the Dragon – This was the last official release of this volatile band, and this one followed the hugely popular Saturation album. Just a more complete album in my opinion, although airplay was nonexistent. I seem to like the albums that have a rock and disco mix for some reason (might also be the reason why I like fruity drinks).

9. The Capes – Hello – This album has a “power-poppy” feel to it, but each song seems to stick in my head for days. A fun album all around.

10. OKGO – Oh No – Probably the best purchase I’ve made in recent years. A very grooving style rock album with a lead singer with a catchy voice – he sounds like a mix between Lenny Kravitz and Anthony Keidis. Not a bad song on the disc.

I've Still Got It!!!

Much like Ralph Malph on Happy Days, I still got it! That’s right ladies and gentlemen – I was able to make a lady cry on Saturday (no, I didn’t drop my pants, you jerks). This happened at the Toll House Tavern – the night in which this legendary neighborhood bar was supposed to close (the sale fell through, and the bartender is thinking of buying the place – keep your fingers crossed!).

One of the drunk female patrons informed me that she was the biggest Rolling Stones fans in the world … if you know anything about me, you know not to challenge me on something like this. I know I’m not the biggest Stones fan, but I know that I’m definitely one of the biggest. I give props to the peeps who prove to me that they are bigger fans than me (and not by weight).

This lady’s basic reasoning was that since she went to the 1972 Stones concert, that she had to be the biggest fan. I notified her that this was a rather foolish reason for somebody to give for being the biggest Stones fan. This comment made her rather angry towards me, so I gave her a chance to redeem herself, but asking rather simple questions (at least I thought they were simple) – for instance, I asked her to name a song (any song) off of the Goat’s Head Soup album (this is rather simple, if you are even a moderate Stones fan). She mumbled something about a song called “History.” To my knowledge, the Stones never recorded a song called “History,” and if they did, it certainly wasn’t on that album. I proceeded to (a) inform her of her error), and (b) list ALL of the songs IN ORDER off of that album. This made her mention that she saw the Stones in concert in 1972 again … AND that she had kissed Mick Jagger. Of course I believed this about as much as Michael Jackson believes he’s not addicted to children.

Later on in the evening, she stumbled to our section of the bar, and asked me which album that Sympathy for the Devil is on – of course, I knew the answer – Beggar’s Banquet (simple). She slurred that it was on Hot Rocks … which is a greatest hits album (I told her that this was cheating). She got pissed and stumbled out of the bar – her friend called me an a$$hole … to which I responded, “My God, you are the first person in the entire world to ever call me an a$$hole!” Good times all around! I heard that the one lady was crying in the parking lot … I feel bad about this, but I really wasn’t rude to her, I think she was upset that I was right.

On a side note – a relative of mine wanted me to promote this site (it’s about poop) – you can submit a question (keep it relatively clean): http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/special_packages/inquirer_qa/qa_forum.htm

I'm Gettin' Too Old For This...

Remember when you were a kid, adolescent, or teen, and things that seemed cool to you didn’t seem cool to older people? You know, like earrings for guys, acid washed jeans, sneakers costing over $60? It scares me to think that I have become part of the “older people.” I present to you some reasons why:

* I have gotten to the point where I absolutely hate mainstream pop music and hip-hop. There was a time when I didn’t mind it, and actually liked some of the music. Those times seem long ago for me.

* Instead of looking for jam-packed clubs with loud thumping music and sweaty people grinding, I choose to look for local bars with empty parking lots (which of course equals available seating at the bar).

* I can’t figure out why country music is so popular. I get upset with people who play country songs in jukeboxes in bars I frequent. I get even more upset when I see people that know these songs around the bar.

* NASCAR – I never got it before – back when nobody above the Mason Dixon line watched it, but I get it even less, now that just about everyone seems to be watching it. I have trouble figuring out how people can watch cars going around in circles for 2-3 hours. Don’t waste your breath trying to explain it.

* I’ve lost touch with video games. There was a time when I loved and played tons of video games. Now, I look at the simplicity of the Nintendo Wii and think to myself, “this is the system for me, because it’s not complicated like those other ones.” Ah, bring back the times of the one-button joystick.

* American Idol – watching it, reading about it, listening to people talk about it all the time – these things all make me angry. I am intolerant of these conversations.

* Hearing that songs by the Police and early U2 are now referred to as classic rock. I remember when this stuff was cutting edge alternative.

* The whole Red Bull and vodka craze – never figured this out. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had these drinks before, but I’ve never needed them to keep me awake whilst drinking. Don’t know the deal about this – is our culture that lazy that we need to be kept awake while drinking?

* Sports rivalries don’t seem like such a big deal to me anymore. When I was a kid growing up, Sixers vs. Celtics was a big thing. Now, I could care less. The only rivalries that seem to stick are Eagles vs. Giants, or Eagles vs. Cowboys.

* I went to Interboro, and I grew up hating Ridley High School and anything and everything associated with it. Now, I live in the Ridley School District, and don’t mind the people anymore. In fact, I rooted for Ridley to win the State title this past year. Times, they are a-changin’.

* I love stand-up comedians, but I can’t understand the fascination everybody seems to have with Dane Cook. Sure, he’s kind of funny, but he isn’t rock-star funny. He isn’t what Eddie Murphy was in the 80’s, what Richard Pryor was in the 70’s, or what Bill Hicks was in the early 90’s. His comedy is nowhere near this level. Yet, now he’s appearing in movies, he’s got huge comedy specials and series on HBO, and he’s banging hot celebs. I’m scratchin’ my head with this.

* Grills (or grillz)? I can’t figure this out. Is this what guys wearing earrings was in the 80’s?
Kids shoes (and adult shoes) with the little rollers in them. I want to clothes-line every kid I see putzing around the mall or supermarkets with these.

I’m sure I have more, but I wanna see what you think. Am I no longer fit to be in the mainstream? Has it passed me by?

What to Do???

Can baseball season get here sooner? Since the Eagles were knocked out of the playoffs a few weeks ago, TV watching has become difficult. The Sixers are bad, the Flyers are worse, and college basketball really doesn’t become interesting for another month. Two nights ago, I found myself watching a show on “Canada’s Roswell” on the History Channel … yep, that’s slim pickens.

I refuse to watch any and all reality shows, which reduces my choices dramatically. That being said, I have a list of shows that I absolutely love (in no particular order):

The Office – Some people like it … others don’t get it. I absolutely love it. The entire cast is brilliant, and you can pick out your coworkers in the over-the-top stereotypical ones they showcase. Fantastically written, and very creative in my opinion … and one of the few shows that can make me laugh so hard that I fart.

My Name is Earl – Cute little red-neck style comedy with a nice little happy-ending in each episode (no, not that kind of happy ending you perverted jerks). The Randy character is possibly the best supporting character of any current comedy in my opinion (although Schrute comes in a close second).

Heroes – The storylines are a little over the top, but still a very cool concept. Some of the acting could be better, but that might be what makes this show work in a weird way. It is a good drama that has nothing in common with those crime solving shoes that are almost as abundant as reality shows. Refreshing in a way.

24 – Jack Bauer rules! He is the best ass-kicking good-guy since Kojak. Sometimes it’s hard to believe all of that stuff happens in a 24-hour period, especially considering they never seem to show any of these people going to the bathroom, eating, or drinking for that matter.

Lost – Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. The scheduling of the show is awful. We had to wait 2 months for the season to continue for crying out loud. But, it is very well written, the acting is great, and the symbolism used in the show allows hard-core fans to try and dig deeper (I’m not one of them, but I’ll read articles that others come up with).

Arrested Development – I refuse to believe this show was canceled. Yet, King of Queens is still on, AND 2 ½ Men is apparently the most watched comedy on television. Somebody is doing some awful things to the wate.

*** I don’t watch any of the HBO shows, because I’m still having trouble believing HBO should be doing more than showing movies and boxing matches. I hear the shows are great, but I can’t get past it (much like I can’t get over paying for radio). ***

SNOW!!!!

The first big snowstorm of the season is hitting the Philadelphia area, and as with the first one of every season, it always reminds me of my childhood, and how I always hoped and prayed for a major snowstorm during the week so that school would be closed. I remember waking up early in the morning, peeking out the window, anticipating a white landscape of the powdery stuff.

If I saw a decent amount of snow, I would immediately turn on KYW-1060 – our local AM station that would report the school closing numbers religiously. I would sit at the kitchen table, slowly eating my Frosted Flakes, listening to every number pass by, hoping, much like a Bingo contestant, that my school number would be called. The numbers would rattle by, getting closer and closer to that magical number 4-5-0. I can still hear Harry Donahue recite these at an amazing clip.

The sheer disappointment of hearing him skip over our school number would make me miserable for the entire day. “How could they not cancel classes today, there has to be at least 4 inches of snow on the ground,” I would quietly whisper to myself. I would take the Superintendent’s decision personally – like he deliberately wanted to ruin our fun. I remember hoping his car would spin off the road – that’ll show him!

But, on those magical days when our number did come up, instead of going back to sleep (like I would do now), I was full of so much elation, excitement, and all other good feelings, that I couldn’t wait to get outside and play in the winter-wonderland. Usually, I was outside by about 7:30 a.m., playing snow hockey with some neighborhood buddies. Then, we would probably either have a snowball fight or build snow forts. But what day would be complete without going sledding? Our hill of choice was always Monument Hill – it was within walking distance, and had a pretty nice slope. Plus, we usually would meet up with other classmates were just as eager to make the most of this special day.

If we had enough people, sometimes we’d get a football game together … provided that somebody actually brought a football with them. I don’t think we ever made it back home before dinner time. We had endless energy, and we were determined to use it all up before darkness could intervene. Then, I would go home, eat dinner, take a warm shower, and hope against hope that our number would be called again tomorrow.

Ah, to be young again.

Topical Chat, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours!

1. On a new car horn that allows you to play any audio file:
“I think I would do a train horn with mine – most car horns these days are really too feminine in my opinion.”
http://www.uberreview.com/2007/02/horntones-customize-your-honk.htm/

2. On U.S. Federal officials contemplating "punitive action" against a Boston Red Sox pitcher for endorsing a brand of beer in Japan and, in a television commercial, actually taking a sip of said beer – which is a violation of U.S. alcohol regulations:
“Someday, I hope these holy rollers figure out that they are the cause of many more problems than solutions.”
http://reason.com/blog/show/118674.html

3. On a study that found that that people (spouses) do the opposite of what's being nagged about:
“Now, if we can only get this information to our wives … and, more importantly, get them to read it and accept it.”
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2007-02/du-nsy021307.php

4. On a study that found that the death of Anna Nicole Smith consumed 50 % of all cable news air time last week:
“Can’t wait to see the percentage when Michael Jackson dies.”
http://www.journalism.org/node/4096

5. On Charlie Weis suing malpractice in obesity surgery gone awry:
“The doctors actually found a way to expand his stomach.”
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/02/13/weis.malpractice.ap/index.html

6. On the US trade deficit reaching a record high of 763.6 billion dollars in 2006:
“Are we going to celebrate the 1 trillion mark more than the Barry Bonds home run mark?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070213/pl_afp/useconomytrade_070213162046;_ylt=Anz4aJ3JzMNTeAmpDy1.tdTMWM0F

7. On Hindus declaring war on Valentine's Day because "it is against Indian culture and pollutes young minds:"
“Just wondering, are ALL religions going ape-shit now?”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/6358405.stm

8. On the National Federation of the Blind saying that hybrid cars could endanger blind people's lives because they are too quiet:
“Just wondering, but are all special interest groups going ape-shit now?”
http://wjz.com/local/local_story_039173947.html

Snow!!!!

The first big snowstorm of the season is hitting the Philadelphia area, and as with the first one of every season, it always reminds me of my childhood, and how I always hoped and prayed for a major snowstorm during the week so that school would be closed. I remember waking up early in the morning, peeking out the window, anticipating a white landscape of the powdery stuff.

If I saw a decent amount of snow, I would immediately turn on KYW-1060 – our local AM station that would report the school closing numbers religiously. I would sit at the kitchen table, slowly eating my Frosted Flakes, listening to every number pass by, hoping, much like a Bingo contestant, that my school number would be called. The numbers would rattle by, getting closer and closer to that magical number 4-5-0. I can still hear Harry Donahue recite these at an amazing clip.

The sheer disappointment of hearing him skip over our school number would make me miserable for the entire day. “How could they not cancel classes today, there has to be at least 4 inches of snow on the ground,” I would quietly whisper to myself. I would take the Superintendent’s decision personally – like he deliberately wanted to ruin our fun. I remember hoping his car would spin off the road – that’ll show him!

But, on those magical days when our number did come up, instead of going back to sleep (like I would do now), I was full of so much elation, excitement, and all other good feelings, that I couldn’t wait to get outside and play in the winter-wonderland. Usually, I was outside by about 7:30 a.m., playing snow hockey with some neighborhood buddies. Then, we would probably either have a snowball fight or build snow forts. But what day would be complete without going sledding? Our hill of choice was always Monument Hill – it was within walking distance, and had a pretty nice slope. Plus, we usually would meet up with other classmates were just as eager to make the most of this special day.

If we had enough people, sometimes we’d get a football game together … provided that somebody actually brought a football with them. I don’t think we ever made it back home before dinner time. We had endless energy, and we were determined to use it all up before darkness could intervene. Then, I would go home, eat dinner, take a warm shower, and hope against hope that our number would be called again tomorrow.

Ah, to be young again.

DId Ya Hear?

News Flash, ladies and gentleman. It’s Sunday, and Anna Nicole is still dead. I don’t want to sound insensitive here, but why are we covering this like somebody who discovered the cure for world hunger has just passed away? Seriously, did she deserve this much attention?

Now I have nothing against Anna Nicole, other than that god-awful show that the E Channel put out on her … oh, that and her voice – one could tell she was on TV by opening the window and hearing the collective howls of dogs everywhere. O.K., I admit that I enjoyed her Playboy pictures in the past (probably on more than one occasion, if you get what I mean). But besides that, I’m still having trouble figuring out what all the hubbub is all about – but I thought I’d put together a list of plusses and minuses.

Plusses –
1. Her cans … really, that’s all I can think of with her … and her cans weren’t even real … I heard that there are a ton of scars on ‘em, and that may end up making it a minus.
2. Her appearance in the Naked Gun – just because that movie was so darn funny.

Minuses –
1. Her voice – Personally, I’d rather hear somebody with a “bad disposition” repeatedly scratch a chalk-board.
2. Her Figure – Oprah Winfrey thinks that she had trouble maintaining a stable weight.
3. Her uncommon ditziness – Tori Spelling, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and the gang are jealous.
4. The fact that she’s a mother – I don’t want to make any false judgements, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that being a son or daughter of hers is probably not the healthiest thing in the world. Just because I like to look at positives, this death may be the her daughter's best chance at a normal life.

5. Her Trim Spa Commercials – If anything, these made me hate Trim Spa … but, what is this company gonna do now?
6. The immense media attention she got in life – I’m still scratching my head on this one. She added nothing to anything, but people still just HAD to watch her.
7. Her “marriage” to that old guy with a lot of money – Not only was she a ditz, but she was a conniving ditz who knew how to use her “ass-ets.” She repulsed me after this.
8. That movie she was in, back in the mid 1990’s – This made Ishtar look like Gone With the Wind times 10.

There are many more minuses that I could’ve come up with, but I figure you got the idea. Of course, the “news journalists” love this, because the stories practically write themselves. The problem is, much like any other “tragedies,” this will supersaturate media outlets for weeks (and probably months) to come.

Seriously, what other “interesting” and deep facts can we find out about this bimbo? Does it warrant hundreds of hours of reports? I think not. Of course, I’m the guy that doesn’t get the national fascination surrounding American Idol, so my finger isn’t really on the pulse of the nation. Let me once again say that I don’t wish death on anybody (except Barry Bonds), and I’m certainly not reveling in her tragic death, but isn’t there more important stuff to report on?

Snickers Satisfies?

So, the Snickers commercial during the Super Bowl with the two auto-mechanics accidentally kissing, and proving that they are indeed men and not gay by ripping out clumps of chest hair has been pulled by the company. The reason – apparently some gay activist groups complained that this ad displayed homosexuals in a bad light.

I got news for you, ladies. The truth is that your complaints about these commercials have put you in a bad light. Seriously, do you really think that this commercial made us think of you less? When I watched it, I thought it was downright funny, never once thinking to myself, “Those pillow-biters are probably really embarrassed by this one.” Nope, I took the commercial at face value. If anything, the complaints have altered my thoughts about whether or not homosexuals even have a sense of humor.

Secondly, by complaining about this, and making this a rather large news story, gay rights activists have successfully helped Snickers get TONS of free advertising. Way to go, dolls. Your nagging has brought more light to this commercial, and now you have many more people eagerly looking this commercial up on the internet, because of your dim-witted protests. I’m not so sure that the company that makes Snickers wasn’t in on this, paying these brainless groups to complain so that they COULD get more bang for their bucks.

Obviously, these short-sighted organizations didn’t pay much attention to that whole Cartoon-Network “fiasco” that occurred last week in Boston, and how much publicity their controversial little tactic received. When you lodge idiotic complaints like this, you seriously hamper everyone’s ability to take you seriously … hopefully, someday you’ll realize this.

Tag, I'm It.

I’ve been tagged, ugh!!!! Don’t worry, I’m not tagging anyone else, because I’m good like that.

6 Strange Things About Me

6. I LOVE pro wrestling … actually, I used to love it – I’m kind of bored with it now, but in recent months, I’ve bought such DVD’s as “The Rise and Fall of the AWA,” and the Roddy Piper DVD, to go with a ton of other wrestling related DVDs … and yes, I’m married, ladies.

5. I HATE ham … and I’m German, which is really weird. I also am not a big fan of most potato products, with the exception of potato chips and shoestring French fries. With this knowledge, I have to believe that I was adopted … or that I’m retarded in German.

4. I am a surprisingly big fan of romantic comedies … not all of them, but a lot of them. Chances are that I’ll get sucked into any rom-com featuring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (except for Joe vs. the Volcano). But, I HATE Pretty Woman for some reason.

3. Mark Rypien, former NFL quarterback, asked if he could be on my deck hockey team … swear to God! I was a PR intern with the Eagles at the time, and the Birds had just signed him as a backup qb. Well, I was instructed to meet and greet Mark Rypien and keep him company prior to the press conference. He was messing around with a hockey stick that we were getting ready to auction off (Eagles Youth Partnership carnival), and I asked him if he liked hockey. He said if he wasn’t a football player and if he was a little faster, he would’ve loved to have been a hockey player. I mentioned to him that I played on a deck hockey team, and his ears perked up. He asked if there was any room left on the team … which I of course said …. HELL YEAH!!! He said that he had to talk to Ray Rhodes (coach of the team) to see if he was allowed to play. He came up to me a few days later with his head down and said the coach wouldn’t let him play … weird story.

2. I once took a piss next to Michael Buffer (Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!!!!!!).

1. I once saw John Tesh in concert … and yes, I’m still married.

Cut That Meat!!!!

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday, probably the biggest sporting event of the year in the States. It doesn’t have as rich of a history as baseball’s World Series, the trophy isn’t really as cool as the Stanley Cup, and quite truthfully, the sport’s all-star game is probably the worst of the big 4. But still, in a relatively short amount of time, the NFL has been able to put together one of the greatest sporting, drinking, and gambling (not to mention advertising) events this world has ever seen.

The first Super Bowl I remember watching was the last Super Bowl of the Steelers’ dynasty. They played Vince Feragamo and the Los Angeles Rams (yes, folks, there was a football team in LA at one time … two, actually). I remember being in awe of the magnitude of the game, and excited for each successive play. I have to say that I was not rooting for the Steelers that day, mainly because I thought the Rams had cooler helmets (at the time, this is how I decided who I liked).

Unfortunately, the Rams won, which basically triggered my “bad luck” in picking the team that I thought (or hoped) would win the Super Bowl. The following year, it was my Eagles that were forced to take a butt-kicking, the following year, the Bengals took it up the arse (yes, I rooted for the team with the “interesting” new helmets). And so it went – a few times, I was lucky enough to pick the right team, like when the Raiders whalloped the Redskins in the early 80’s. But, more often than not, I picked the loser. Yep, I rooted for all of John Elway’s disappointing Broncos teams, and I was really hoping that Marv Levy’s Bills would find a way to knock off one of those teams in that traumatic 4-year run.

So, who am I rooting for this year? Get ready to call your bookies – I’m going with the Colts. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the Bears – in fact, with the exception of that ass-clown Tank Johnson, the Bears are a team that one could easily like. But, I REALLY want Tony Dungy to win one – I think he has been through enough heart-aches in his coaching career (and his life in general), that he deserves this. Plus, I’ve always liked Peyton Manning’s game (consequently, I HATE Eli Manning after what he did to the Bolts). Your money is probably safe with the Bears because of this … you probably don’t even need the points.

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Life as I know it is about to change … no, my wife’s not pregnant or anything like that … it’s much worse … In a sense, a close family member of mine is about to pass away … no, not literally, but kind of. You see, my very first watering hole, the Toll House Tavern, is apparently up for sale. Sure, it’s not like I go there a lot anymore, but the Toll House is like that Penthouse magazine from the late 1980’s that you have hidden somewhere in your house … you don’t necessarily partake in “reading” it anymore, but you gain some comfort in knowing that it is there for you to fall back on … in case you get the urge to “read” about the “overgrowth of wilderness.”

The Toll House was like my “Cheers.” I knew the bartenders, knew many of the patrons, and was sort of considered a regular there. Back in the day (1994), one could purchase a 50-cent draught of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which meant if I walked in with $10, I’d probably be stumbling home with a few bucks to spare.

It was a place were many of my friends and I gathered, ordered pitchers of beer, wings, pepperoni sticks, and played some god-awful juke-box music - which is one of the constants of this bar, the music never changed – but that’s not the point (or, is it?). It was like home for many of us. I knew that if I went down there on a Friday night, I would see familiar faces, be able to talk sports, politics, sex, music, or just make fun of the guy who sat in the corner and looked like Captain Kangaroo.

As the years passed, a lot of my friends “outgrew” the Toll House, started their own families, and maybe occasionally made a guest appearance there. Heck, when I haven’t been there nearly enough since I moved. Sure, other groups of “kids” went there and hung out, but it wasn’t the same as when our big group of friends “owned” that bar.

Just for my amusement (and the amusement of some of you who experienced the Toll House), here is a random list of things I’ll miss about the bar:

1. It was only about a 5-minute walk from my parents’ house … and about a 10-minute stumble.
2. The guy with the “lobster hands” that would come in and never notice us making fun of him.
3. The guy who said the word “dude” over 100 times in less than 5 minutes (yes, we counted).
4. Playing Golden Tee in the corner, while Ray-Ray would “acquire” pretzel sticks from the bar.
5. Going back to the Toll House after playing football every year after Thanksgiving
6. One time, my friend Ray-Ray and I played Megatouch for 8-straight hours there.
7. Going to the Toll House on Christmas night with a bunch of friends and buying each other the nastiest shots we could think of.
8. Listening to Jimmy the bartender try and sing the Police classic, “Doo-Doo-Doo, Dee-Doo-Doo-Dah.”
9. Having a few “conquests” with a few of the ladies that hung out there.
10. Making the “love call from the stall” phone calls – my friends coined that one.
11. Winning two deck hockey championships with the Toll House sponsoring us.
12. Never having to worry about getting a ride home from there if I was too drunk.
13. Spending hours a night there with a variety of friends talking about life and about girls (and never getting anywhere doing it).
14. Sitting in the corner of the bar with a big group of friends, and seeing a tall object walking into the place … and eventually realizing it was a college buddy of mine from Baltimore who knew exactly where to find me.
15. Never having to worry about the place being too crowded.

Incidentally, the sales price was around $640,000 … and yes, I gave some thought to the idea of being my own Sam Malone … how cool would that be?

As an aside, I think we should all get together at the Toll House one more time, like the old days … I think she deserves that much.

Some Things Never Change ...

You know, just when I think I’ve beaten the “clumsy” illness, I do something to remind me that I still have it. This morning, I put in a new smoke detector/carbon monoxide detector. To my surprise, I did it rather flawlessly – took me maybe 10 minutes, tops. Sure, it was a small victory, but a victory nevertheless … Unfortunately, the feeling didn’t last.

Just a few minutes later, I was in the bathroom (or as my mom often puts it, “in the toilet”), when I bent over to pick something up. As I came up, I smacked my skull on the cabinet above the toilet. The pain wasn’t so bad, I’ve done things like this so much in my life, that I’ve created some sort of numbness to incidents like this. A few minutes later, I sensed “moisture” in the area of my skull that was impacted by the corner of the cabinet … yup, somehow, I managed to bleed. There is good news to this - I now have a sense of what I would look like as a red-head.

But, back to the smoke detector installation – I did so well on this, that I’m decided to attempt and fix my front screen door today. As you may recall, I e-mailed “Chrome Repot” about this a few weeks ago. They did get back to me, and basically said that since I’ve had the door for over a year, there’s nothing they can do to help me … and although that really sucks (I’m not buying from those bastards ever again), it gave me an “opportunity.” So, I assessed the situation, and decided that I probably needed a new door closer (yeah, I didn’t know what it was called either until I went to Lowe’s). I installed it and … well … the door works a little better … but it’s not totally fixed … but hey, 1 ½ out of 2 ain’t so bad, right?

Other than that, the rest of the weekend was pretty cool – we hung out at Durty Nelly’s, a local watering hole, on Friday night. Saturday, we got lights for the hall-ways from Lowe’s (F-U Chrome Depot), and Saturday night, we planned to go to the new horse-track/casino near us in Chester, conveniently called Harrah’s Chester Downs … of course, we didn’t take into account that this was the first real weekend this place was open, and that about 20,000 other people had the same idea we had (they have 2700 machines). We were in traffic for about 45 minutes, before we decided against going. We ended up at a very cool New Orleans style restaurant near our house, called “Nora Lee’s.” We had some wine, some good food, and I probably ended up saving about $200 that I would’ve lost at Harrah’s (somebody upstairs was probably telling me it wasn’t a good idea to go - hint taken).

The FREEk LIBRARY of PHILADELPHIA

My friend Slant, penned this beauty a little while ago – I came across it recently, and almost busted a rib … he is quite a writer. Enjoy:

BIBLIOPHILE: NOUN: 1. A lover of books. 2. A collector of books

Part 1 of the above definition aptly describes me. I love to read. I love the sight, the scent, the simple tactile thrill of holding a book; this combination creates an atmosphere that allows me to experience an almost transcendental peace-of-mind.

Therefore, with eager steps I strode toward the Free Library of Philadelphia's main branch to find a relatively quiet spot and finish my current book. Settling into a table seat (one of the library's tables that find themselves bisected by two rows of shelves) in an area rated for 80 decibel and under body noises, I achieved relative seclusion.

SMELLY: ADJECTIVE: Informal Having a noticeable, usually unpleasant or offensive odor.

As much as I love the library, the air is rather still and, at times, stifling. So, imagine my surprise when I caught a whiff of Polo or Chanel's new "Hobeaux" fragrance. Trying to decide whether to seek another seat or urinate on myself to cover the stench, I stood to pinpoint the intoxicated source of that intoxicating aroma.

Let us examine the candidates:

Candidate #1:

gender - indeterminate as the subject was baggily dressed in… bags.

age - indeterminate since the subject was asleep with his/her head inside a tattered backpack.

purpose of visit - possibly to test the relative acoustics of said backpack when snoring through nose, mouth and (of this I am most certain) ears. No reading material in sight.

Conclusion: Noisy as the person was their body odor, regretfully, did not compare.


Candidate #2:

gender - male.

age - late 50's.

purpose of visit - as with candidate #1, this subject did not seem to be at the library to read (again, no reading material in sight). Candidate #2 seemed to be running lines for a gay porno. Slouched in seat he - in a rich baritone - exhaled various moans, groans, lip-smacks, unintelligible utterances, each sound punctuated with its own violent grope of a different part of the body.

Conclusion: Such an accomplished thespian could not be the mobile shit/piss fragrance factory, so I dismissed him.



That was it. Just those two. So, after spending another few moments of life I will never have back, I realized that the smell had gently slid away, much like candidate #1's pants.

I sat back down and resumed reading. The book is an account of the rise of America's first acknowledged serial killer, Dr. H.H. Holmes. The author is a gifted storyteller and I, holding true to the first definition, was deeply engrossed.

LUNATIC: NOUN: A person regarded as strange, eccentric, or crazy enough to argue with subway seats: crackpot, crazy. Informal: crank, loon, loony. Slang: cuckoo, dingbat, batshit, kook, nut-job, screwball, weirdo, shit-assed crazy fuck-nut

You, the reader of my tale, will not then be shocked in hearing how delighted I was that my reverie was blissfully interrupted by Mr. Vomitous Pissonmyself.

I am not sure what I first noticed: the peristaltic reflex of my throat (an involuntary response as a precursor to vomiting) caused by a sudden reappearance of the stench, or by 2003's Mr. Fucking Nuttiest Nose-Picking Moron of Philadelphia's whispering "hello" to me.

Great.

I remained seated, neither moving an inch (for obvious reasons) nor breathing (for more obvious reasons). I do not understand how I, after all of these years, never appreciated how much reading for pleasure was enhanced by some poster child for abortion whispering "hello" and picking his nose. Truly, one of life's greater pleasures.

After about 3.4 more seconds of this, I decamped from the Mental Health section (seriously) and left Philly's Crazy/Noisy/God-Awful Smell Orchestra to find another seat.

I found myself in periodicals. Seemingly quieter than any other room and not too crowded it was, in fact, peopled with sober-looking individuals reading The Wall Street Journal, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Washington Post, etc. Finding a seat across from a professorial middle-aged gentleman I eagerly transported myself back to 1893 Chicago.

CREEPY: ADJECTIVE: Informal 1. Of or producing a sensation of uneasiness orfear, like the freak sitting across from you staring at you and playing with a stopwatch: a creepy feeling; a creepy story. 2. Annoyingly unpleasant; repulsive: like the same freak who is now smiling at the table, the blank area of table.

Anthropologists and neuroscientists alike suspect that it is something evolution left behind - like the coccyx bone or the appendix - from a time when humans were not the apex predator. I refer to a basic, yet intangible human ability to sense danger. Or, in my case, that some other freak is now near and staring at you.

So involved in my reading, I did not notice the professorial gentleman had left only to have his seat occupied by one of nature's practical jokes.

Lifting my eyes from the book, I began to appraise the table space in front of me. A space that had, not too long ago, been stacked with a week's worth of major newspapers and now held…

a set of hands and a stopwatch.

This should be interesting.

There was a stopwatch, held by a pudgy, white, almost delicate hand. The hand was attached to an arm equally delicate in appearance. The arm disappeared into a stark-white t-shirt. The t-shirt was clad about a small-torsoed man. Atop this slight torso was one of the biggest goddamn heads I have ever seen on something that did not have a trunk and shit on clowns.

Framing one of Jupiter's moons was a mane of gray hair, hair that would be the result of Don King and Buckwheat having children who snorted Rogaine. The face 'neath the hair was blotchy, puffy and sweating, its eyes shifting between me and the stopwatch. Neither interested in seeking another seat (to find, I am sure, someone ever crazier) nor brave enough to ask what he was doing, I returned to the book.

After a few minutes of silence I assumed the King of the Freak Troll Dolls would not be bothering me (he did not smell) and I settled comfortably into a rhythm.

Using the ESP I am sure he developed inside his two-car garage head, he must have sensed my complacency and began to count. Not a normal count, no. But a series that went something like this:

"1…yes. 2…yes. 3…yes, yes. (long pause) 4…yes" and so on.

Not really wanting to, but really needing to see what was going on, I looked up…

He was shifting his eyes between his stopwatch and me.

"5…yes. 6…yes. 7…yes."

Not interested to see if it was bomb he had in his head and this was his countdown, I left.

Next time I want to do some serious reading, I will just check into the closest insane asylum because none of their inmates are there.

Later.

Stoppage Time

1. Now that Parcells has “retired” from the Dallas Cowboys, how many people are left that are still defending T.O. (besides that moron, Michael Irvin)? Who could possibly handle this guy as a head coach at this point? More importantly, who will Jerry Jones bring in to “feed” T.O.?

2. Rumor has it that G.W. is going to urge cuts in gas usage in the U.S. … if congress was still Republican, would he be “urging” this? Just wonderin’.

3. Two of my college roommates and I are planning an extended weekend in a most unusual place … Cleveland. I think we are going to take in a baseball game, visit the Rock and Roll museum … and that’s about all one can do in Cleveland, right?

4. How dare NBC run Heroes the same time as FOX runs 24. Can’t these networks get together and make sure not to run good shows at the same time (I mean seriously, there are enough bad shows on tv that this shouldn’t be a problem). Thank goodness for DVR.

5. Not to give plugs on items, but you must get a ROKU, if you do not have one yet. Basically, it is like a bridge between your computer and stereo, in which you can play all of your I-Tunes radio stations, MP3’s, and Live365 radio stations. With the state of music on terrestrial radio, this is a great alternative to satellite radio (and cheaper, as well). If interested, go to www.rokulabs.com.

6. The Flyers suck this year, and so do the Sixers … I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t wait for baseball season.

7. The Oscars are happening tonight … and I have no interest … mainly because I have no interest in seeing most of the movies that win awards.

Barker's Billions???

Something’s been bothering me for quite some time, kind of boiling up inside of me like volcanic magma … o.k., maybe not that powerful, but still … The issue at hand involves one of my all-time favorite game shows – The Price is Right. And, no I’m not trying to start a grass-roots plan to get the original Barker’s Beauties back on the show (sorry, Diane).

This particular concern reaches to the very core of the show. Now, mind you, my intentions by bringing this matter up are not meant to bring this addictive show to its knees, but it’s just something I needed to get off of my chest. I think I’ve dragged this on long enough, so here it is …

Why are there commercials on The Price is Right? Isn’t the entire show made up of advertisements for products ranging from chewing gum to cars? Do we really need to cut to commercials from commercials? I’m interested in learning how much this show asks for companies to sponsor their products ON the show. It’s like they are double dipping, isn’t it?

From a marketing point of view, the person or people who created The Price is Right were far ahead of his or their time. Seriously, these guys are making ad-money hand over fist. They are so successful, they NFL seems to mimicking this show, by sticking as many ads in the program as possible (of course, that’s a topic for another blog-rant).

Now that Bob Barker is leaving, The Price is Right has a tremendous opportunity to add even more ads to the show … like, why not make the next “host” a talking sports car (kind of like K.I.T. from Knight Rider). Certainly, Ford, GM, or Chrysler would pay big bucks to involve a car of their own for this, wouldn’t they?

I’m sue the folks at The Price is Right have already considered that … I’m guessing it’s too early to have talking cars as hosts of game shows … of course, maybe I’m just not forward-thinking enough. Perhaps a talking vacuum cleaner … we could call the ladies “Hoover’s Suckers.”

Wok-a, Wok-a, Woka!!!!

So, for one reason or another, I’ve been really enjoying Chinese food lately … so much so that I’m interested enough in trying my hand at creating some Chinese dishes (and no, I’m not going to go “authentic” and use cats and rats). Last week, I bought a Chinese cookbook (in English, not in Chinese – I don’t know how to speak the language), and decided to try my luck at cooking some Kung Pao Chicken. After purchasing several of the ingredients at a local grocery store, I went to work.

It turned out o.k., I guess, but I know I can do better (no, using chicken instead of cats did not change the taste). I didn’t have a wok, and that, in my opinion was an issue – we used a regular pan – and from what I read, can change the flavor of Chinese food (enough with the cats, already!).

So, on Tuesday, I decided to go out and buy a wok … and what better place to purchase one, than at Walmart (strike 1). I confess, I don’t know enough about woks to make an intelligent purchasing decision, and I’m far too lazy to read up on them (any help here from you, the reader, would be appreciated). I ended up buying one for only $15 – the only one they had (strike 2).

Here’s the thing. I didn’t realize that with some woks (maybe all, again, I’m not sure), you have to boil off the protective coating, and then, you must “season” the wok. My initial thought was that I would need to cook some herbs and spices in the wok in order to season it (ignorant American), but I found out that seasoning means heating the wok up and “lathering” it in cooking oil.

It sounded easy enough, and to an extent, it was easy enough. BUT, the wok needed to be heated for 10 minutes … and then cooled, and then repeated 3 or 4 more times. About 7 minutes in, the oil was burning and smoke filled the house. My wife was not happy. She claimed the entire house smelled like a diner the rest of the night (not sure what the problem with that is).

The thing is, I now don’t want to repeat the “seasoning” 3 or 4 more times, and I fear I have bought an inferior wok. I’m thinking about going out to purchase a non-stick wok – one I don’t need to season. Again, any help here would be great (I sure do ask a lot of you guys and gals, don’t I?).

What a "Pane"

Have you ever had a disappointing experience buying something from somewhere (geez, Los, can you be more vague?)? Yeah, me too. About 3.5 years ago, we bought new doors and windows from one of those “big box” home improvement stores – I won’t give the name away, BUT it rhymes with Chrome Repot. We decided that not only were we going to purchase the doors and windows through them, but we would also go through them with regards to contracting a local handyman to install said doors and windows.

For the most part, the windows are fine – I did notice that one of the basement windows was insufficiently caulked, or at least not caulked with a lot of precision. The doors are another story altogether. I did have the “opportunity” to meet the door installer dude when he was installing the doors, and he seemed like a nice-enough guy – it looked like he took great care in framing our doors and installing them.

BUT, the doors themselves (specifically, the front door) seem to be about as enduring as Fred Taylor’s hamstrings. We’ve had nothing but problems with the door – one of the window springs broke immediately – which kind of sucks, I guess, but we didn’t do anything about it when it happened (because we are lazy and passive, I guess). However, in recent months, the door wasn’t closing properly, and now it won’t close at all, unless we really slam it shut (it looks as if one of the hinges may be bending or something).

Anyway, I’m just writing this to vent, and forewarn all of you if you are thinking about going through a big-box store to do something similar. Spend the extra money – it’ll be worth it. As an aside, I just e-mailed the company to complain – I’ll see if I get any satisfaction from them … but I’m not holding my breath.

Lillian or Morticia?

I was saddened to read about the death of one of the more “inspirational” entertainers that helped walk me through my perverted adolescent years -Yvonne DeCarlo. For those of you who don’t recognize the name, the shapely actress played the part of Hermann’s wife, Lillian, on the Munsters. Sure, the show originally ran for a few years in the 1960’s, but it enjoyed tremendous success in reruns while I was growing up.

Of course, the Munsters had a competing show, titled The Adams Family, which featured another quite enticing female lead, Morticia. It got me to thinking – which of these characters was/is the more attractive (desirable) lady? I’ve been going back and forth on this one (minds out of the gutter, please). I decided to break down the qualities of each of these vixens.

Lillian:
She certainly had the edge in use of makeup, and shapeliness. Additionally, she seemed to be more extroverted, and opinionated (not sure if this is a desirable trait or not). Plus, she seemed to be more motherly in nature, in a strange sort of way. She obviously preferred more colors than just black, sometimes even dressing in gray.

Morticia:
Definitely, she was much more wafy, possibly leading the anorexic onslaught that has troubled and perplexed succeeding generations. She also preferred only the color black, and seemed to try to hide all of her features (below the neck). However, she seemed to have a very deep-lying sensual and carefree side. She obviously had a control over men that Lillian could not compete with. At the same time, she seemed a little needy. She did seem a little more feminine than Lillian as well, and I’m betting that Mrs. Munster would probably take her out rather easily in a cat fight (one that I’d pay a pretty penny to see).

I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject, as I’m sure that many of you may hold valuable information that I’m not including in this comparison. I need direction, and you, fellow readers, hold the key.

As an Aside ...
I won’t even go into the husbands (female readers, please add anything you can about Herrmann’s large hands, feet, and head vs. Gomez’s cool, calm, collectedness).

Thank Goodness, the Show is Back

Oh, thank goodness – American Idol is back for another season, and we are now going to see and hear American Idol stories everywhere – newspapers, radio, tv, computers … UGH! To me, this show is a pile of dog-crap. I mean, hey, I understand that many of these people are talented, and have fantastic singing voices, but beyond that, I have no other respect for this show.

I know I’ve talked about this before, and I really shouldn’t care at all, because in all fairness, there are a lot more tv channels I can watch, but for some reason this gets under my skin. Basically, what is happening is that FOX is using an assembly line approach with music, and mass producing, mass marketing, and mass selling it to us. The real problem is that this formula has produced a rabid following of fans.

I mean, I guess it is better (or is it) than when ABC had a show in which they were attempting to build the next boy band. I guess I’m really miffed because all that these “idols” do is sing (and yes, I know that is a lot, and they have a lot more talent than I do) other people’s songs. I mean, I would be much more impressed and willing to watch them if they showed off their own songs that THEY created from scratch ALL BY THEMSELVES … but, I guess that’s why I’m here complaining about American Idol, and that’s why they are their making tons of money … sigh.

I guess if Beethoven was around, he’d probably complain about the rock music I’m listening to … yeah, that’s right. I’m comparing myself to Beethoven, got a problem with that?

Los and Smoke, Episode 8

Get Bruced!!!!


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Forget the Pepperoni...

A close friend of mine, Yon, used to work at a pizza restaurant. Whilst watching the Birds beat the Giants this evening, he told some interesting stories about his time there that I thought I’d share with you … quite frankly, because they are downright funny.

Yon had not made salads for anybody at this place … this should give you an idea of where I’m going. A lady called and asked for just lettuce, and since Yon didn’t know any better, he ended up putting an entire head of lettuce, uncut, in a box and handed it to the lady. His only defense was that he thought that instead of going to the Supermarket, she wanted to stop at the pizza parlor for said head of lettuce. Makes sense … if you’re an idiot.

In another classic Yon mess-up, he was instructed to chop some onions. Now, Yon hated doing this because it always inevitably made him cry. He was eager to find a better way to cut an onion, and his coworkers were all too eager to help. Unfortunately, for Yon, these same coworkers were pranksters. They told him that to eliminate the strong smell of the onion, one had to wrap his head with saran wrap – this would neutralize the powerful stench, and prevent him from shedding tears. Sadly, Yon believed them, and ended up wrapping his noggin with plastic wrap in order to prevent himself from crying … it actually worked, however Yon almost suffocated as a result of this effort.

You know, I really have some “interesting” friends.

I Got Bruced!

Do you remember watching a movie as a child that you loved, and then years later, you watched it again and realized it was a genuine grade A piece of crap? Me too. This happened to me not too long ago. I had remembered going to the movies when I was around 8 or 9 to see “They Call Me Bruce.”

I remember coming out of the theatre thinking that this was probably the funniest movie that I was ever going to see. I was elated, yet sad, because I would never laugh as hard as I did during this “gem.” I remember going to the Mac Dade Mall with my cousins to view this “masterpiece.” For months afterwards, we couldn’t stop talking about this movie, and quoting some of the better lines, like, “I once got hit by a Toyota … oh what a feeling!”

A few months ago, whilst in Best Buy, I was perusing the discount DVD section, when, like a mythical sign from God, “They Call Me Bruce” literally fell into my hands. At $5.00, I could relive my childhood and own one of the all-time greatest flicks. I hurriedly rushed to the cash register, handing her the Lincoln, and waited eagerly for my workday to end.

On the ride home, I excitedly told my wife about this wonderful purchase, and explained to her how her life would change after watching this classic. The problem is that the movie absolutely sucked. It was so bad, that I started shaking and shivering, with thoughts of a misguided childhood full of lies running amuck in my mind. How could this be, I thought.

On a recent ride to work with my friend, Slant, I explained to him what had happened. We discussed this for nearly the entire 45-minute ride, and came up with a term for this. What had happened to me was that I “Got Bruced.” Slant and I came up with a couple of other flicks that gave us a severe Brucing – some of the more memorable ones include “Caveman,” “In God We Trust,” and “Modern Problems.” I am curious as to whether or not any of you got Bruced before, and which movies gave you a good Brucing.

Could Ya Keep the Noise Down, Please!

Just as I expected, it was much more difficult to go to work the day after New Years than it was the day after Christmas. I figured I would have plenty of time to recover whilst laying on the couch yesterday, but apparently, I could’ve used another day. My supervisor even said that my eyes were still a little puffy … great.

The funny part is (probably not really that funny, actually) that I wasn’t really that drunk by the time I went to bed on New Years morning. Sure, I was pretty toasted around midnight, thanks to some beer pong, two shots of Apfel Korn, and a shot of tequila.

But shortly after the ball dropped, a dance party broke out in the basement of my brother’s house. Apparently, I must’ve sweat all of the alcohol out of my system, because when my wife were getting ready to leave, I realized that I wasn’t slurring my words, I was walking straight, and there was only one of everybody I looked at. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but I figured that I wouldn’t be hung over two days after this party. Damn tequila!