It's Good to be a Philadelphian ... for once!!!!!

25 years ... 25 years of futility ... 25 years of futility for the four major sports franchises in Philadelphia ... all of that washed away this past week.

The Phillies lifted whatever curse that had blanketed itself on top of Billy Penn back in 1983, and, in a way, saved the city ... at least the sports fans of this city. But, in a way, I think this covers more than just sports fans in Philly ... this city NEEDED something like this ... a positive experience. We've had an ego problem for far too long ... and this does wonders for the confidence of a city that always seems to find a way to bungle something up.

When game 5 of the World Series got rained out in the 6th inning, I got this awful feeling ... this was a game we should've won, but for some reason, the gods wouldn't let it happen. In the long and illustrious history of the World Series, a game was never, ever suspended due to bad weather. If the Phillies lost that game, and ended up losing the World Series, I probably would've been convinced that this city was never going to win a championship again. Thankfully, not even mother nature could stop this march.

I was at a bar on Mac Dade Blvd to watch the final three innings of the game. Unlike most baseball games that go 9 innings, every pitch in this game counted ... every pitch in this game stressed me out ... And the best part was that I could get to sleep at a decent hour ... or so I thought. When Brad Lidge (Mr. Lights Out) threw that final pitch, he celebration spilled onto MacDade Blvd ... fans from all over the area either rushed out to the street, or drove up and down the street high fiving the fans. It seemed like everybody was there ... with the exception of that 800 pound gorilla that took the first train out of the area.

Hugging strangers ... watching streakers ... drinking beer on the side of a busy street next to a police officer ... not getting to sleep until well after midnight ... it was all worth it. Unfortunately, I never was able to make it to the parade ... which had an estimated 2 million frenzied fans in attendance ... I taped it, and I watched it, and yes, I had tears in my eyes ... but for once they weren't tears of misery. Congratulations, Phillies!

Weekly Assignment

Mama Kat, you've probably opened up a pandora's box with your latest list of questions. The one that intrigued me most is - Describe a typical day during your Jr. High years. Some of my greatest stories (at least funniest) come from my high school years, fromthe trials and tribulations I had with my girlfriend freshman year to the New Years Eve party where I threw up all over myself ... there's a ton of outrageous stories ... but a normal day for me? Hmmmm...

Every morning, I would wake up to the smell of coffee and eggs ... that's right, most normal kids probably ate cereal or pop tarts before going to school ... for some reason, my mom would cook me eggs and make me coffee EVERY ... SINGLE ... DAY! I guess there's something to be said about breakfast (isn't it the most important meal of the day?), but eggs every morning is kind of ridiculous, isn't it?

I would then get ready "hygenically" ... you know, showering, brushing teeth, deoderant ... pretending to shave, put on some of my "cool" school clothes ... Well, as cool as I could get at least ... remember, my mom would somehow find sneakers for me at the grocery store ... BROWN SNEAKERS! Even with this seeming disadvantage, I would find cool clothes to wear ... or at least semi-cool.

Remember, at this point I was trying to impress the ladies ... the truth of the matter is that going through adolescence, it was hard (no pun intended) to concentrate on school work ... I would sit through class after class trying to pay attention to the teacher ... when in all reality, I was more interested in the girl 3 rows over playing with her gum ... or the girl 5 rows up brushing her hair ... you get the idea.

Lunch time couldn't get here quick enough ... I was long past the age of packing my own lunch ... which meant I was stuck with cafeteria food ... Junior year, our school came up with a wonderful (not healthy) idea - a cafeteria line that served nothing but cheeseburgers, cheese-steaks, and french fries ... a dream come true for me. No longer did I have to settle with school pizza, or hot dogs and baked beans, or god forbid, meatloaf!

The afternoon went by much like the morning did - let's see if I can impress the ladies with my awful humor ... Of course, in the afternoon, I had one eye on the clock ... couldn't wait for class to end ... in the fall, I was playing soccer, which was a good stress relief for me. When I wasn't playing sports for my high school, I was probably playing sports at home with my goofy friends - whether it was street hockey, bounce ball, or tackle football, we were always outside.

After dinner, I would spend about 30-45 seconds doing homework, so that I could focus on more important tasks, like playing video games ... at the time, it was Commodore 64 ... god, I miss trading copy disks and games with the other nerds in high school ... I probably had about 3,000 games for my Commodore ... I couldn't get enough ... I swore that this was the apex of gaming ... of course I was wrong.

After all this was over, I'd lay down, watch some tv, and then fall asleep ... preparing myself to do it all over again the next day ... why do I miss those days?

Hollow-ween

As many of you know, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays ... from the time I was a little tyke dressed in a cheap Fred Flinstone smock soliciting neighbors/strangers for candy, I've had a "connection." Unfortunately, last year, I was unable to attend a Halloween party - I was busy watching Penn State get crushed by Ohio State in State College.

I was hoping to make up for it this year - my idea was to dress and act like Dwight Schrute (of Office fame). I had the short sleeves shirts ready - my mom ended up trying to salvage some of my work shirts (they had holes in them at the elbows - apparently I either have sharp elbows or skin like sandpaper).

At one point, we were considering having the Halloween party, but because we wanted to redo our basement, we couldn't host. A couple of other friends considered having said party, but for one reason or other, those plans fell through ... so for the second straight year, I won't be going to a Halloween party ... sigh.

Odds and Ends

A little quiz for you:

1. Los has been far too busy doing which of the following this weekend?
A. Cleaning and priming his basement.
B. Cheering on his sports teams (Phillies, Flyers, Eagles, and Penn State).
C. Drinking too much whilst cheering on his sports teams.
D. All of the above.

If you guessed D, well, consider yourself (a) lucky, or (b) familiar with the man they call Los. Schue and I primed the basement Saturday, and after two coats of primer, it looks pretty darn good. We still have a little ways to go, but it's starting to come together. Next, up - painting, then framing - drywalling - spackling - sanding - priming - and painting the back area ... then, getting woodwork for the floors and ceiling, then building a bench/storage unit/entertainment "center" for the flatscreen (that we still haven't purchased) ... then, probably working on the ceiling and getting new lighting ... ugh - that's still a lot of work ... my head's starting to hurt again.

So, we Philadelphians usually don't have too much to cheer about when it comes to our sports teams, but that "could" possibly change ... well, maybe. The Phils have jumped out to a 2-1 lead in the World Series against the Rays, even though they really haven't played all that well. The last time the Phils were in the World Series, I was a senior in college ... and the last time they won a World Series, I was in 2nd grade ... yeah, it's been a while. I really have no idea how I'd react if they somehow found a way to win - I mean, I'm so used to sulking after watching my team(s) choke in a playoff or championship game ...

How 'bout them Nittany Lions? Big win last night against a really good Ohio State team in the big horseshoe ... JoePa's boys didn't quite show the offensive firepower that they displayed all seaons, but they did demonstrate a grittiness to overcome tremendous odds ... now, they're squarely in the title picture, and have to root for teams playing Texas and Alabama from week to week. I think if JoePa wins a national championship, he'll finally retire ... even if that "good-ol' boy" down in Florida State keeps coaching those Criminals ... er, I mean Seminoles.

Hey, even the Eagles won today ... sure, they looked as sloppy as they always do, but a win is a win ... and with all the other NFC East teams showing weaknesses, who knows what will happen.

The only downer at this point is that tomorrow is Monday ... sigh.

Weekly Assignment

Mama Kat got our assignment to us early ... isn't she great? Interesting set of choices this week - I decided to go with this one: 1.) Complete the sentence "I'd walk a mile for a ________." and continue writing about it.

I'd walk a mile for a $300 million dollar lottery ticket ... actually, I'd probably walk 100 miles for that one. It would seemingly make life so much easier, ESPECIALLY if no announcement was made that I actually won it. There are a lot of low lifes out there who prey on lottery winners ... it's sad, but true. Sure, they'll do some obvious and blatant things like stealing from you, or threatening your family for money ... but there are others who try to "sell" you on can't miss opportunities ... all of them missing like a Philadelphia team in a championship game (hey-yo). If I can avoid all of that, that would be sweet.

Obviously, I'd give some money to charity - probably the Leukemia Society (I worked there before), and maybe to Penn State (my alma mater), and of course my church ... I'd also share some of the money with friends and family ... after all, it wouldn't be much fun if those guys and gals weren't there to help me enjoy it.

I'd also make sure I'd invest the money so I could continue living the "extravagent" lifestyle ... you know, lots of video games and big screen tv's, maybe a virtual golf system ... you know, typical guy stuff! Again, I'd have to make sure the investment advice was smart.

One thing I'd make sure of - I would NOT spend uncontrollably like some of these other lottery winners you hear do - you know, the ones that find themselves broke 5 years after winning a big jackpot. Or, like those athletes who insist on having 7 Bentleys, and a Posse bigger than an NBA team ... ridiculous. I think I'm much more grounded than that.

Anyway, there I go daydreaming again ... sigh.

New Fangled Thingy

In March 2006, the Associated Press reported that the plumbers union in Philadelphia had become upset because the developer of the city's newest skyscraper, Liberty Property Trust, has decided to use waterless urinals. Many in the union decided that because of the decision that this would lead to less work for them. The developer cited saving the city 1.6 million gallons (approx 6.06 million liters) of water per year as its deciding factor


Just this past week, my department moved into a new “green” building. This said building is supposed to save money on electricity, heat/air conditioning, waste, and water … a pretty nifty thing, methinks. Most of the structure (or at least the office cubes) was made out of recycled material … bigger windows are used to add more natural light in the building, and the roof has some sort of new insulation in it.

Additionally, the restrooms have controls on the faucets, as well, as some automatic controls on the toilets that help to conserve water. But, the thing that impressed/scared me the most was the waterless urinals that were installed in said restroom. I was amazed/concerned by this new (at least to me) technology, and how it works … after all, I really don’t want to smell somebody else’s urine while I’m releasing mine. Much to my surprise/relief, the urinal does do a terrific job of somehow eliminating/sucking down that pungent smell, and because I’m curious/nosey, I had to find out how this works … and where else can one find information on just about anything? You guessed it - I found it at Wikipedia.

So, here’s what I found out - these urinals (or advanced urinal technology) utilize a trap insert filled with a sealant liquid instead of water. The lighter-than-water sealant floats on top of the urine collected in the U-bend, preventing odors from being released into the air. Although the cartridge and sealant must be periodically replaced, the system saves anywhere between 15,000 and 45,000 gallons (approx. between 56,800 and 170,000 liters) of water per urinal per year.

Folks, that’s a lot of water … and if the technology works well (and is affordable), then I totally encourage it. This reminded me of a story about waterless urinals and the city of Philadelphia. And, of course, I have Wikipedia once again to back me up with this. According to Wikipedia, in March 2006, the Associated Press reported that the plumbers union in Philadelphia had become upset because the developer of the city's newest skyscraper, Liberty Property Trust, had decided to use waterless urinals. Many in the union decided that because of the decision that this would lead to less work for them. The developer cited saving the city 1.6 million gallons (approx 6.06 million liters) of water per year as its deciding factor.

Wikipedia stopped here, but from what I remember, the union required the building contractor to put in pipes, even though the building did not require them for the urinals … this is where unions step way beyond their intended purposes and cause problems … yes, I’m also speaking to you, Detroit. Seriously, if the owner of the building wants waterless urinals, AND it’s going to help with efficiency, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY OF PROGRESS!

But, I digress … hey, here’s the link to Wikipedia , and a picture of the urinal in case you are interested.

Yep ... I'm sore.

Saturday was the day we began the excruciating process of putting drywall up in our basement.

* It is of vital importance to have friends who are handy.
* I am not one of those handy people.
* Drywall cutting creates a lot of dust.
* Putting drywall up is only one part of the project.
* I can't thank my friends enough for all their help this weekend.

When we complete the basement, I'll take some pictures - give you a before and after view of it.

Since I'm exhausted, I'll share this pic that my friend Yon sent me:

Wednesday Homework ....

It's time for Mama Kat's weekly homework assignment ... I chose to blog about a time when I did something to get noticed ... this is actually a difficult one, because I'm always trying to do something to get noticed ... usually to no avail. With that said ...

This one time in high school (no, not band camp ... and no, not with a flute) ... actually, it was New Years Eve my senior year. I went to a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house ... well, more like an acquaintance ... but there were plenty of my friends there. I had drank on a couple of occasions previously, but never had a chance to drink on New Years Eve .... this was my opportunity ... and I wanted to make the most of it ... unfortunately, I got my wish.

I started off the night drinking some beer ... so far, so good ... but as luck would have it, the beer quickly ran out ... and we were stuck with vodka ... at this point in my life, I had pretty much stuck to beer ... and even more unfortunate ... I had never heard the "beer before liquor" phrase.

I started off by drinking vodka and orange juice ... heck, it's my mom's favorite drink ... then I switched to vodka and iced tea when the orange juice ran out ... and finally, I was tempted to drink vodka and milk, until some good samaritan stopped me.

I remember midnight, and I remember going downstairs to play pool ... I don't actually remember shooting pool ... which we apparently did for close to an hour ... and I certainly don't remember having a friend call my mom telling her I wouldn't be making it home that night ... and I REALLY don't remember throwing up all over myself, and the couch (probably a good thing).

Apparently, some people dragged me upstairs, threw me in the bathtub, and turned the water on ... some people at the party actually thought I might be dead ... thankfully, not the case. I learned a few valuable lessons that night ... first - beer before liquor, never sicker (check). Second, one must pace ones-self when one drinks liquor (check). Third, if you go out with the intention of getting drunk, you will succeed (oh hell yes).

Anyway, I guess I succeeded at getting noticed, as the stories spread through high school pretty quickly.

40?!?!?

Man, I'm getting old ... recently a couple of my closer friends turned 40.

First, Babs (check out her blog here) met her through my wife Schue, and even though she started off as Schue's close friend, she's now my close friend too. She's probably one of the funniest people I know, and can usually put me in a good move with one of her wild and wacky South Philly stories. She knows how to throw a great party, complete with fantastic food, and she's pretty darn good at walking on coals. She's also a rabid Philly sports fan (which of course will gtet you on my good side every time).

Second, Jeff, a good Penn State friend of mine recently turned the big 4-0 too. This guy has a good sports mind, and usually is able to help me see the glass as half full - especially with the Phillies and Penn State (I often have very critical things to say about both these franchises - he shows me the positive side). Of course, he's also been a very good drinking buddy - as was evidenced by the fantastic bus trip to the PSU vs. USC game in the Meadowlands a few years ago (let's just say we didn't make too many friends), or one of the many Penn State nights at the local bars (I'm so busy, I don't even have time to ...). Thanks inviting me to your get-together - I had a great time!

Thankfully, I still have "quite" a few years 'til I turn 40 ... well, at least a few years...

Commercial Campaigns that get on my Nerves

Some of you younger bloggers probably won't know what I'm blogging about in this post, so I apologize ahead of time. With that said, you should be able to get the gist.

In the 1980's, Bud Light had a series of commercials - basically, they all centered around somebody at a bar asking for a light beer. However, these people never specified on what kind of light beer. In fact, all they said was, "Gimme a light," which prompted the bartender to give the patron a variety of "lights." Here is an example of this (from Youtube).

Now, the first few commercials they did were rather amusing. Unfortunately, they went to the well far too often, and the commercials eventually became annoying. Budweiser has been guilty of squeezing these ad campaigns dry ever since - the annoying lizards is a great example.

Interestingly enough, other beer companies have been going to the well too often recently. Of course, they run these commercials during sporting events, so they grate at my nerves even more. Miller Lite is doing the "More Taste League" commercials for a second year, and every time I see them, I want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly to numb the pain. Seriously, when did beer drinking become part of a league? On second thought, don't answer that.

Coors Light is on board with this pain-inducing trend as well. However, those commercials with the NFL coaches in the press conferences weren't funny to begin with. They've done them so many times that I'm starting to wonder if they even want me to drink their beer.

Budweiser came up with a funny commercial right around the time of the Super Bowl in which a guy opens a beer bottle, and his dog all of the sudden talks ... but all he says is "sausages" over and over again, in a hysterical British accent. Of course, Budweiser got a lot of positive feedback on this, so they decided to overdo it (predictably), and unfortunately, the commercials have gotten progressively worse.

I'm not sure the point of this particular post - I guess it's just meant to diffuse my frustration with these commercials. The real question is, when do these companies decide on retiring these campaigns? Is there a way to speed this process up?

Weekly Assignment

As many of you know, I've been doing Mama Kat's weekly homework assignment - this week, I chose to do a top 10 list of my biggest fears. So without further adieu ...

10. I'll be at a restaurant that only serves ham and split pea soup.
9. What life will be like when my parents die (sorry, had to throw a serious one in).
8. The drugs will wear off on my wife ...
7. TV sports will be fully replaced by reality television.
6. Country music will replace rock music on the radio.
5. My Philly sports teams will never win another championship in my lifetime.
4. Bees ... yes, bees.
3. That idiots (on both sides) will be running our countr ... oh wait, nevermind.
2. My local bar will run out of beer ...
1. Obviously, losing my job ... that would really suck.

What's the matter Colonel Sanders ... chicken?

I usually don't bother forwarding e-mails, because I've probably seen or heard of most of the "jokes" and "funny" topics going around. I hadn't seen this one before, so I figured I'd pass it along to you - thanks to my cousin, Drew, by the way for passing it along:

Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends - that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


SARAH PALIN: The chicken had to cross the road because he was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If he wanted a bridge, he'd have to build it himself.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.




DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Congrats - Ray and Christa

The Man of the Hour ...

Just wanted to give a shout-out to my close friend Ray-Ray and his new wife, Christa. Truthfully, I never thought you'd ever get hitched, but Christa was somehow able to look past all of your flaws ... either that, or the drugs haven't worn off yet (just kidding, of course!). You couldn't ask for a better day for a wedding, and if that's a sign, then your marriage should be VERY successful and happy!

The reception was an absolute blast ... but, what else would you expect? The dinner was excellent, the reception hall was elegant, and of course the alcohol was plentiful ... probably not the best decision to switch from beer to Captain and Cokes (and quite a few of them), as was evidenced by my dance on the dance floor during It's Raining Men ... but I digress ...

In all seriousness, Ray-Ray, I've known you since I was 1 (I would've known you longer, but I was born a year ahead of you). My mom babysat you for those first 4 years, so you were (and still are) like a brother to me. Sure, we hit some bumpy patches in high school, but even two stubborn jerks like us were able to put all that nonsense behind us and become close friends again. Being part of your wedding was a real honor for me.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but your new wife Christa is beautiful, both inside and out, and there's no way you could've ever done better than her. You two begin your journey together today - and I sincerely hope that you two love each other a little more with every passing day.

Congratulations!

Before the Internet???

Homework assignment I chose from Mamas Losing It - a rather intriguing one. What did I do before I had the internet ... At first, I had a tough time remembering what I did before this moment ... I mean, I didn't even have the internet (well, at least not to a great extent) in college, and actually had to WALK INTO A LIBRARY AND FIND BOOKS TO DO RESEARCH FOR PROJECTS! Yes, I know, that makes me about as old as Methuselah ...

But in thinking more about this, there was indeed a time before the internet, and I actually was able to keep myself occupied ... but, how? Well, one for one, I read a lot more books ... now, I still read books, but much less frequently ... and, for the record, I do a lot of reading on websites, but this type of reading is quite different than reading a novel ... at least, I think it is, right?

I also, believe it or not, played more video games. Whether it was playing on the Atari 2600, Commodore 64, Nintendo Entertainment System, Super NES, Sega Genesis, or other systems, I was a true early gamer. I still play some video games, but I'm by no means a gamer anymore. I can't invest the 4-8 hours a day required to be a true gamer of the 21st century. I don't have the time, nor the patience anymore. I need to be able to pick up a game, play it for 1/2 an hour or less nowadays. Maybe this is partly due to the internet, but probably more likely because I have a job, a house, and a life.

I used to also play sports a lot back in the day - whether it was through club leagues, or just fooling around with a few friends. I played soccer, hockey, baseball, basketball, tennis, and even golf. I still watch a lot of these sports, but rarely do I get to play them anymore (and it sucks!). I also spent more time at bars back in the day - that's what guys in their early 20's did ... I think.

That being said, I'm not at all disappointed that I have the internet. Think about it, we have all of this great information at our fingertips. Plus, we can stay in touch with a lot more friends a lot easier (espeically with blogging and facebook). Count me as one who loves the internet!

Weird Stuff I'm Good At ...

Are there there any "non-important" things that you do, that you honestly think you do better than anyone else? Weird question, right? Let me explain.


I feel that I am really, really good at cooking bacon. I know, I know, bacon is really easy to cook. But, the thing with bacon is, that you need to cook long enough where it's crispy, but still has some "juice" to it. If you overcook the sucker, it's just dry and crumbly. I'm an expert at this, and have been told by quite a few people over the years that my bacon is perfect (sounds kinky). I have a whole time-tested routine with this - basically, I cook it on a griddle at 325 degrees, flipping frequently ... making sure to continue this until golden brown (again, you have to eye it, making sure not to overcook). As many of you know, bacon, in my opinion, is probably the greatest food ever (in fact, I have argued for bacon scented candles and air fresheners ... ehough said).


In a whole other example, at my company, we are required to "volunteer" a certain percentage of our time in other departments. For instance, I assist the literature fulfillment department - basically, I help to stuff envelopes a few hours a month. What I like about it is that it's totally mindless and simple. Sure, it's kind of boring, but it's a welcome relief during a stressful day of work. I've come to the conclusion that I'm one of the best envelope stuffers in company history ... I've even been complimented on how good I am. Of course, there are full-time envelope stuffers, and if there was ever a competition, there's a good chance they'd smoke me ... but at the very least, I feel I'm the best volunteer stuffer (again, sounds kinky).

So, a few days ago, I was just checking CNN.com to start my day, when I noticed three absolutely ludicrous headlines (and none of them surprisingly had anything to do with the presidential race). Check these out:

Story #1 - PETA Urges Ben & Jerry's To Use Human MilkReally? Human milk? For ice cream? Seriously? Is it me, or is PETA getting more and more ridiculous with their stances and their “attacks?” How is this reasonable in any possible way? I have to ask it again … human milk? I mean, how can anybody take this group seriously? At this point, you’d probably consider taking people like Hitler, Stalin, Sharpton, or Swaggert more seriously than PETA. How do outrageous stances like this advance PETA’s cause? And, just for the sake of argument, if Ben & Jerry’s DID decide to begin using human milk for their ice cream, who in their right minds (notice the word “right,” PETA) would eat this?

Story #2 - Lohan confirms she's dated woman 'a very long time'I have a couple of thoughts on this. First, HOW IS THIS EVEN A HEADLINE ON CNN???? I mean, I can understand this being a lead on such credible sites like Perez Hilton, Star Magazine, and heck, even People … but CNN? Seriously, will this relationship have an effect on the price of oil? Will it hinder the environment? No? Then, let’s not make this a headline, ok? Oh yeah, my second thought on this – Wait, that girl’s a woman? Really? She looks like the kid from Back to School, right? No, I need proof – drop the pants, “Samantha.”

Story #3 - New dad Clay Aiken comes out of closetAgain, I have two thoughts … The first thought is pretty much the exact thought as the one in Story # 2. So, let me focus on the second thought. Was this really a surprise to anybody? Look, I didn’t even watch American Idol, and I knew the guy was gay. Heck, next to him, Liberace looks like Magnum P.I., for crying out loud! Oh, and another thing, does Diane Sawyer really need to do an interview with this guy in order to “break” this story? I know, I know, Diane Sawyer has about as much credibility in the news “profession” as, well, Clay Aiken does in the music “profession,” but still … isn’t there a point where you just have to say no? I guess not.

Weekly Homework Assignment

Mama’s losing it has given us a few interesting “topics” to write about – I decided to choose the "day off" topic, because ... well ... I really love days off!

If I could take tomorrow off work I'd ... probably begin moving stuff out of my basement and into the attic … You see, after years of nagging, my wife has finally convinced me that (a) the basement looks too much like a college dorm, and (b) we should tear down the paneling, and put up some dry wall.

When we moved in, the basement was pretty much half-finished. It had the wood paneling up, but the tiled ceiling was falling down (and had all kinds of weird “treasures,” none of which included money), and the floor was old and unkempt. We decided to partially redo the basement – keeping up the paneling, but putting up some sort wallpaper that almost makes it look like drywall (not really, though), and getting rid of the tiled floor and putting down carpeting.

The place looks good now, but not good enough. We even put a bar down there, and we end up spending most of our free time downstairs. One of the incentives for actually going through with this project is that my wife has agreed to let me buy an LCD TV for the basement! Of course, this has helped to motivate me.

I also have a friend who runs a very successful graphic design business … he has agreed to help with the basement project. This guy is truly amazing – not only is he a great graphic designer (check out his site), but he’s a fantastic interior decorator – seriously, you should see what he did to his basement – you’d never want to leave.

So, to make a long story short, I would begin the process of making my basement more "professional-looking," by moving a bunch of stuff out of said basement. I'll take some before and after pictures for a future post (by the way, if anybody has any suggestions for an LCD TV, pass them along!).

You're selling what????

Have any of you seen the recent Taco Bell commercials featuring the "volcano taco," and thought to yourself, "my God, they've finally crossed the sexual border?" Seriously, this volcano taco is, in a sense, a pink taco. I mean, don't you think this type of thing may have crossed the minds of the execs over at Taco Bell, and would've made them nix the idea? Oh wait, that's right - they haven't ever nixed any of the bad Taco Bell commercial ideas over the year, either.

Do you think the other fast-food giants took notice, and are planning their own "sexy" sandwiches? Is McDonals toying with releasing the "McBlumkin?" How about Subway and the "Bloagie?" Let's not even think about what Dunkin Donuts could come up with ...

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a picture of the Volcano Taco ... sorry 'bout that, folks.

It's That Time of Year Again!!!

Once a year, an event so special comes around that makes everybody quake in their boots with excitement ... Christmas? Nope .... Halloween? Uh-uh .... Flag Day? Seriously????

That's right, folks, it's Oktoberfest ... a time for many people to dream about being German (not unlike the amateur night on St. Patricks Day) ... And please, don't ask why it's called Oktoberfest and it's held in September (btw - you can find the answer on wikipedia.org).

The biggest one I know of in the area is the Delaware Saengerbund's weekend celebration taking place ... well ... this weekend! A few of us are making our annual migration to this glorious event that features much bier (that's the way the Germans spell it), good German Volksmusik, great German food, and funny German clothing.

I'm not really sure how many people come out to this, but let me just say that it is absolutley packed with people ... my parents help with peeling potatoes for the event (if you're a club member, you have to volunteer with something), and they are planning on peeling 1,500 pounds of potatoes today ... The state of Idaho and McDonalds are both jealous!

There's stuff for the whole family here, and the price is quite reasonable. . So, if you're in the area, stop by today or tomorrow (it's easy to find, just click on the link I provided). Have a look at some of the pics from last year's event.


The bier-tower - a classic at the Oktoberfest (lots of drinking involved).


The ceremonial tapping of the keg (that's my uncle, by the way!).


Authentic German biersteins for sale!


Bring the kids ... they can ride on all the rides they want while you drink!

Homework Assginment ...

Mama's Losing It has moved the day to do our blogging "homework" to Thursday, which is fine by me. The assignment I chose today is an interesting one - I'm sure that Freud would have a field day with me. The question I chose is: Do you have reoccurring dreams? What are they about?

I often have a dream that I'm back in college, or even high school sometimes. On the surface, it's not really that scary - I actually enjoyed high school and college for the most part. However, in these dreams, I often either forget how to get to my class OR I realize that I inadvertently forgot about a class on my schedule. I spend the entire dream trying to figure out where the heck my classes are - it's kind of frustrating.

The funny part is that I know where I am (my college or high school), but the place doesn't look anything like the actual campus. And, I'm usually running from building to building, or from floor to floor, trying to find the room I'm supposed to be in ... I usually don't find the room for the most part, unfortunately.

When I do find the room, I have to explain to the professor why I hadn't been attending class - usually, it's because I couldn't find the room, or I didn't realize the class was on my schedule. I'm sure there's some sort of weird psychological explanation for this, but I'd rather not hear it (What I don't know won't kill me ...).

Wait, I'm missing something here, right?

There was a rumor out there recently that Pamela Anderson had been dating Michael Jackson … and to think, I always thought Pam had female genitalia … seriously, though, if this is true (and I’m finding it very hard to believe it is), what the hell was Pam thinking? Wait, I should probably rephrase that – Was Pam even thinking? Is she even capable of thinking?

If this rumor is true, would that reshuffle the deck with regards to the dumb female celebrities? Can Pamela Anderson even be considered a female celebrity anymore at this point?

And from Jacko’s perspective … isn’t Pam a little too old for his tastes? Oh yeah, and isn’t she a little too female as well? Is this the beginning of an MTV publicity stunt that will culminate in Jacko winning 3 MTV VMA’s in 2009?

And, from my perspective … why am I even wasting so much time on this story, anyway?

Wha???

So, Britney Spears won 3 … count ‘em … 3 MTV music video awards at the VMA’s this past Sunday. As you can expect, I have some questions:

1. First, why is MTV even given out music video awards still? Do they even show videos anymore?
2. Wait, when did Britney make new videos? And, did anybody else see the video before she won the awards? And, if so, where?
3. Did Britney win these awards ONLY because she agreed to show up at the VMA’s?
4. When was the last time anybody really gave a flying rat’s ass about the VMA’s?
5. Will we see a Michael Jackson comeback attempt on the VMA’s next year?
6. When will MTV decide to change the name (and of course, formats) to the VRT’s (video reality tv)? C’mon … you know that’s gotta be coming soon, right?
7. Who was that British host on the VMA’s? How did MTV make the decision to go with him? And, why wasn’t he even a little bit funny?
8. How drunk does one have to be to be able to not only watch, but enjoy the VMA’s?
9. Are the ESPY’s better than the VMA’s?
10. How many “artists” did you recognize at the VMA’s?

What Will They Think of Next?

I think reality tv shows have hit an all-time low. I know, I know, I blogged about this about a year ago – and truthfully, I thought they’d come up with everything … until last night. I was laying in bed, relaxing after a hectic weekend (translation, bachelor party). My wife came into bed, basically trying to annoy me, and not allowing me to get any of that well-deserved rest that I had earned.

My wife then informed me that she only had about ½ hour left to get on my nerves before her show came on. “What show,” I stated, half interested (for some ungodly reason). My wife proceeded to inform me that she was watching a show called “Sunset Tan,” which basically is a reality show about a tanning salon. I was speechless … but I shouldn’t have been surprised. I think my wife has watched every single reality show at least once.

This got me to thinking – what other ridiculously stupid occupations can a reality show be made for? Here’s a couple, just off the top of my head:

• The Bait ‘n Tackle Chronicles – A show that takes places in … well … a bait and tackle shop … fishermen come in and get bait, and come back and tell stories about the one that got away … meanwhile, the owners of the bait and tackle shop constantly make fun of the choices in bait, lures, and fishing attire … I figure the VS. channel would be a prime candidate for this beauty.
• Brilliant Barbers – I know, I know … there’s already a show (or 30) about hair stylists … but what about a reality show in a good old-fashioned barber shop, complete with a wooden Indian, and one of those swirly signs? The barbers would have their regulars who come in, and update us on their drinking, flatulence, and boring work stories … meanwhile, the barbers make fun of the hairstyles (or lack thereof) these “regulars” have. Probably a gimme for Spike TV.
• Fast Food Free For All – Why not have a competition, not unlike Iron Chef, but featuring fast food restaurants … once and for all, we’d get a definitive answer on whether or not the Big Mac is better than the Whopper, or whose fries are better … How can this miss? Sounds like a perfect show for Fox.
• Dancing with the Chefs – Let’s mix two highly rated reality shows and see what happens. We get world-renowned chefs and have them compete in a dance-off … heck, we could even have Simon Cowell as a judge. Perfect for just about any tv station.

That’s really all I could come up with … with about 5 minutes of thought. What do you guys and gals think?

Weekly Homework Assignment

So, Momma's Losing It has given us another interesting homework assignment. The one I chose was: Write about a brief, but scary encounter with one of your old professors or teachers. Here goes nothing!

One time, when I was in 5th grade, A classmate of mine and I were walking back from recess with one of our 5th grade teachers, Mr. H - a relatively popular teacher, who normally had a good sense of humor, but was on the strict side ... still, most students loved him (and most of the girls had a crush on him).

Anyway, as we were walking back from recess, we got into a conversation about what music we liked. I'm not really sure how we got on this conversation, as I really didn't know anything about rock or pop music at this point ... I think I was still a few months away from beginning to listen to 98.1 WCAU FM ... Hot Hits!

Still, we began having this conversation. Mr. H claimed that he was a big fan of the Village People ... We snickered a little, and my friend said something along the lines of, "Oh, you're one of those people." Sadly, I had to follow that one up with, "Yeah, a homo!" Folks, I don't think I was 100% sure what a homo even was at this point ... unfortunately, that didn't prevent me from blurting that sentence out.

Mr. H. was obviously not amused ... in fact, he got quite ticked off at the two of us ... so ticked off, in fact, that he threatened to ban us from the upcoming Field Day, which was an annual competition that our elementary/middle school held, in which they divided the school up into two teams, and had us compete in a variety of events. This was held sometime during the last few weeks of school, and was basically an all-day recess.

I think I almost filled my pants up with enough feces to fertilize all of Lancaster. I didn't know what to do ... my biggest fear was my parents finding out about this and grounding me until middle age. My friend and I groveled for days (I think), until finally Mr. H. felt we learned our lesson, and forgave us. I don't think I ever talked to or looked Mr. H. in the eyes again.

We are such wussies!

I remember the first real organized boys club (now called youth club) sporting event – it was a tee ball game – my team was sponsored by Reeser’s Auto Body and we played against “McClellans.” I remember losing that game 12-6, and I also remember going home and crying my eyes out! You see, my parents really never taught me how to lose prior to that. My dad and I would kick the soccer ball around in the back yard, and I’d always win. I thought I was probably the best 5-year-old soccer player ever. I also thought that I (or my team) would find a way to win. I learned a valuable lesson that day, and was able to accept defeat a lot better after that.

I don’t have kids, but I’ve heard this from quite a few people who do have kids – that youth sports is a lot different now. In fact, in many instances, they don’t even keep score, and in tee-ball, everybody bats every inning. Folks, I don’t want to offend anybody, but I think that’s a bunch of bullsh*t. It’s like we as a society are afraid to allow our kids to compete at all. What fun is that? What lessons are learned? How does that prepare ANYBODY for growing up?

Look, I wasn’t the greatest athlete growing up, and I wasn’t the worst, either. I knew there were plenty of kids better than me in certain sports, and I was cool with that. I remember being on an intramural baseball team that won 1 game the entire season. Was I upset with that? Of course not! Did I quit trying? Absolutely not! I loved to play. I loved to compete. Heck, I’d still like to get into a bar softball league, or maybe play basketball once a week. A topic for another day.

Seriously, how did we allow this to happen? Allow ourselves to create sports in which kids don’t compete. Can we even justify calling this a sport? I know, I know – this allows ALL kids to play, no matter if they are good or bad. Seriously? Are we going to do this with everything? Hey, I suck at math – can I build a rocket? Man, I was never good in shop class – let me build a house! See, it doesn’t make sense in those areas, does it? Well, maybe it’s the same way with sports – not everyone can be good at it, and that’s ok … but PLEASE, bring back the competition!

No Ketchup? Seriously?

Some of you may already be aware of the affinity I have with fast food … if only it were healthy ... Now, I don’t go to fast food places very much anymore (maybe once every two weeks), but I have noticed something quite disturbing (and no, it’s not the calories, salt, or sludge) … actually, it’s much more troubling than that.

What am I talking about? I’m glad you asked (and if you didn’t ask, shame on you). KETCHUP PACKETS! I’ve always had this theory that they were getting smaller (although, I never took into account that I was getting bigger), but that’s a complaint for another day. No, my complaint takes ketchup packets in an entirely different direction.

Back in the day, I remember getting ketchup packets, salt, pepper, and almost any other condiment in my bag at a drive-thru window without even asking for it. As time went on, the drive-thru “waiters and waitresses” began asking if I wanted ketchup, salt, or pepper … I didn’t mind, just as long as I got my ketchup (it seems to taste better in the packets … again, a topic for another day).

Then, a few years ago, they totally stopped asking, just handing the bag out the window as soon as one pulled … not even giving the person a chance to ask for the ketchup packets. On a number of occasions, I’ve had to either ask for ketchup while I was ordering, or I’d have to ask very quickly while the attendant was shoving the bag against my noggin. I’ve noticed the eye rolls and sighs when I ask for the ketchup … this truly must be affecting their bottom lines.

I’ve seen a couple fast food places go so far as to stick someone who didn’t speak an ounce of English at the window, hoping that this tactic would help spare those apparently rare packets. And, I know what’s going to happen next (and I bet it’s going to happen pretty soon) – yep, they’re going to start charging for the ketchup.

Look, I’m a man who MUST have large amounts of ketchup to dunk his fries in. That’s probably also the reason I love Chick-Fil-A – because their waffle fries have a large surface area that helps to collect significant amounts of ketchup (yet again, a topic for another conversation). I can’t be dealing with any of these ridiculous ketchup packet wars – I NEED MY KETCHUP PACKETS! Has anyone else noticed this, or am I just becoming too paranoid about this?

Dear Me

OK - so the homework assignment tonight from Mama's Losing It is write a letter to the 10-year-old boy that I had been ... here goes nothing:

Dear young, prepubescent Los,

Dude, remember how you were saying that you couldn't wait to grow up that one day down at the pool with Ray, Drew and Davers? You gotta put on the brakes - enjoy life as a kid with no responsibilties. Yeah yeah, I know - at 21, you'll be able to go to bars, drive, drink, and be a grown up ... but at the same point, you'll have to get a job, and have to pay for things.

Curfews? Yeah, they suck, and mom always makes you come in earlier than the other kids. That's cool - it's just a small price to pay. Mom and dad bend over backwards for you - the least you could do is not complain about your curfew ... you'll understand soon enough.

Oh, and here's a little advice for ya - it's never too early to start thinking about girls. I know, you think they're gross, but you're only a few years away from your first date. And let me tell you something - get over your shyness - there's a lot of girls who would love to go out on a date with you, even if you just take them to the mall for a pretzel and a slurpee. Trust me, bro!

One Banana, Two Banana, Three Banana, Four!

You know, every once in a while, I get that song “One Banana, Two Banana, Three Banana Four” song swimming around in my melon … no, seriously, I do. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, obviously the Banana Splits show was probably before your time.

The show was originally done in the late 1960’s … before I was born (thankfully), but it had a bit of a renaissance in the late 1970’s. According to Wikipedia, “The Banana Splits Adventure Hour, syndicated as The Banana Splits and Friends Show, was an hour-long package television program featuring both live action and animated segments.”

Basically, it featured four furry animals that were part of a “band,” similar to the Monkees. The group is as follows: The main characters were Fleegle, a beagle; Bingo, a gorilla; Drooper, a lion, and Snorky (called "Snork" in the theme song lyrics), an elephant. For the most part, they would goof around trying to play songs, but mostly ride around in bumper cars, spill food on each other, and introduce Hanna Barbera cartoons.

As a 4-5-year-old, I was mesmerized by these clowns …. much like I was mesmerized by other bumbling “comedy groups,” like the Stooges, Abbott and Costello, and the aforementioned Monkees. I haven’t seen the show since I was a youngster, and if I watched it now, the novelty and humor I found so … well … humorous as a child would probably not carry over into adulthood . Plus, I could probably catch some of the Banana Splits antics on Youtube if I really wanted to.

With that said, a news report recently came out stating that the Banana Splits will be redone for the 21st century. Here’s to hoping the creators don’t take the same path they tried to take in revamping Bugs Bunny.

A blogging "exercise"

So, I got a "homework assignment" from Mama's Losing It - and I figured, "What the heck?" I don't have writer's block, mind you, but this looked like a fun exercise. So, Mama put together a few topics, and we (bloggers) were tasked to write about them ... on a side note, this may be a weekly thing. OK, enough small talk - topic #1:

1.) Did you have a favorite blanket or toy? Tell about it.
I got this Oscar the Grouch alarm clock one Christmas ... it was probably the most excited I've ever been about a Christmas present. When I opened it, and realized what it was, I came about as close as I ever have to jumping out of my skin. I remember vividly jumping up and down trying to scream but no sound coming out of my mouth (that's probably a first, by the way). I had been eyeing this alarm clock for months in a Sears catalogue, and my parents put together a pretty good poker face the entire time claiming that "Santa" couldn't find the clock anywhere ... of course, I took the bait hook-line-and sinker ... which added to the surprise.

Oscar would wake me up every morning with some sort of saying that included hoping that I would have a grouchy day. I ate it up ... I must've listened to that alarm clock 50 times that very first day. At some point, that alarm clock broke, and my interest for it did too. But I will never, ever forget how excited I was that Christmas.

2.) I wish I could...
Oh man, there are so many things I wish I could do. I wish I could enjoy healthy food more ... I get bored with it, and go back to potato chips and burgers. I wish I liked beans ... I can't stand them for some reason. I wish I could play a good guitar, because my air guitar skills are out of this world. I wish I could win the lottery ... it would make things so much easier (at least, I think it would ... although there are probably a lot of negatives that I can't currently see).

Whew, that was fun! If you guys or gals are interested in this exercise, go visit her site by clicking here:

You Won a Gold Medal in What???

Last weekend, I went over my friend Ray-Ray’s place – his fiance’s bridal shower was going on, and the guys decided to hang out, goof around, drink a little, and most importantly, avoid the shower. First item on the agenda was to go out and get some lunch – we chose a bar down the street from his “crib,” a crab-shack/bar.

We were immediately overwhelmed by the wafting seafood odor, similar to the stench one is overwhelmed with when entering Lou Turks (inside joke for those of you who live in Delaware County). Other than that, the bar was quaint, and filled with many toothless red-necks who were eagerly awaiting the upcoming NASCAR race.

On the big screen in the center, the Olympics was on … but not the good Olympics - you know, the one featuring women’s beach volleyball, basketball, baseball, or soccer. No, instead, we were saddled with watching women’s trampolines. Seriously, women’s trampolines??? How the hell did this become an Olympic sport anyway? I mean, the Olympics is getting rid of baseball and softball, yet they keep trampolines, synchronized diving, and badminton???

Why not add other summer barbecue sports like cornhole, lawn darts, and horse-shoes? Seriously – that way, when parents have picnics and barbecues in the summer, they can gauge how well little Joey is doing throwing the plastic shoes. Should waffle ball or pool volleyball be added. If there’s a protocol, or an application process, what is it? I’d like to add shuffle ball to the list. Maybe we could add hot-dog eating, or a belly-flop contest. Who wouldn’t watch those?

You know, if Guiness got smart, they could hold a “Guiness Book of World Records” Olympics every 4 years – I’m pretty sure that MTV or E would totally be on board.

Fantasy Football is Back!!!!

So, we had our big fantasy football draft last night - I believe this is our league's 10th year. We've done a live draft every year, and even though technology obviously supports internet drafting, to me, it's just not as fun as having all parties at a central location ... of course, this is difficult with our league, as we have 20 people participating (2 separate conferences that draft from separate pools).

Anyway, I picked 6th last night, and I think I did a relatively good job. No, I didn't get Tomlinson or Peterson, or really any top tier back, but I still think I did a great job. Here, see for yourself:

QBs:
Tom Brady
David Garrard
Jason Campbell

RB's
Clinton Portis
Michael Turner
Ryan Grant
Selvin Young

WR's
Andre Johnson
Greg Jennings
Dwayne Bowe
Nate Burleson

TEs
Jeremy Shockey
Heath Miller

Kicker
Jason Hanson

Defense
Seahawks

What Side Effects???

It’s almost football season again … and you know what that means …. An incessant amount of commercials about drugs for ailments we didn’t even know were real illnesses! “Do you burp? Well, have we got a cure for you!” Wait a minute … burping is an illness? Man, then my burping illness must be in the advanced stages!

Seriously, we Americans must be the biggest hypochondriacs in the whole world … either that, or these drug companies are successfully implementing hypnotic suggestion in their commercials.

But, I love watching these commercials. Why? Because I enjoy how the first half of the commercial is about how great the drug is, and the second half of the commercial consists of the narrator reading a list of potential side effects while the video is of the person enjoying his/her time frolicking in a country field. Seriously, have you heard some of these side effects?

For instance, Lipitor is a pretty popular drug on the market right now. It apparently helps to lower cholesterol … which is fine, if you don’t mind the breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, which can lead to kidney failure. Seriously, I’m not making this up!

How about Flonase? Sure, this one helps with chronic nasal congestion. The only thing you have to worry about is severe or ongoing nose bleed, vision problems, sores in the nose that won't heal, fever, chills, body aches, or flu symptoms. You know what, I think I’ll breathe out of my mouth, thank you!

You can find out more about prescription drugs here, if you want: http://www.drugs.com/alpha/f1.html

Office Clowners!

I don’t know if you’ve ever popped over to the office clowning blogsite that I have on my blog roll, but these guys are absolutely amazing (in my humble opinion). Sure, I know them very well, as I was once part of their office-clowning … er … shenanigans (translation – I worked with them), but still.

My wife Schue and I were perusing office clowning once again, and couldn’t stop laughing. Particularly funny was the “My Name is Los” pic they recently did. These guys are pretty darn good with Photoshop, and think outside the box with regards to photo-doctoring.

I wanted to give them a shout-out because (a) they spend lots of their work-days hard at work ... with this, and (b) because I miss those sumbitches! Here are a few of my favorites (of, course, these all include me … deal with it).



Me, demonstrating my soccer skills ...




My Name is Los





The blockbuster comedy of 2007, Knocked Up!


Others, I liked:

A Pleasant Surprise ...

Have you ever come across a movie you never heard about, watched it, and absolutely loved it? Yeah, me too – movies like National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, High Fidelity, and Grandma’s Boy are a few of the more recent ones that fit this bill for me. I have another one to add to the list, thanks to my brother. You are all probably at least remotely familiar with the Onion website, right? It’s really just a “faux” news site, that is downright brilliant and hysterical (www.theonion.com for those unfamiliar).

Well, apparently, these geniuses put together a movie back in 1993, but never released it, partly due to the poor feedback they were receiving from private screenings. They sat on the movie until this year, and released it on DVD in June, to really not much fanfare.

This past weekend, in Rehobeth, my brother told me about the movie, and as luck would have it, he had acquired it. I didn’t really have high hopes for the flick, considering I heard nothing about it, but he assured me it was a riot. So, we decided to watch it, and I was more than pleasantly surprised – this movie was a laugh a minute … much like the website.

This movie, in my opinion, is comparable to The Kentucky Fried Movie (and if you haven’t seen this yet, stop reading and rent it, dammit!). There are a lot of little “vignettes” tied together in a newscast … and yes, there is a storyline, although it is really not important. I won’t give too much away, other than Steven Seagall is in the movie, and basically spoofs himself.

If you get a chance, rent this – if you have a good sense of humor, and are not easily offended, you’ll love this. If you are an activist of any kind, you’ll probably want to stay away from it … of course, if you were an activist, you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog, right?

Rehobeth ...

You know what – I still got PVD, or post-vacation depression. Usually, this condition lasts for a few days and then gradually subsides, but I’m still saying things like, “you know, two Sundays ago, we were at the Sunburn Bar watching the Philadelphia Soul win the championship.” Well, sometimes you need a little “hair of the dog that bit ya,” and that is exactly what we got this past weekend.

My wife Schue and I went down to Rehobeth Beach to meat up with my brother, his wife, and his wife’s sister – their parents have a place not too far from the beach and they invited us down. I’ve realized something – GOD I LOVE VACATION! Traffic to Rehobeth wasn’t too bad on Saturday morning – sure there were some slow spots, especially as you enter the town on Route 1.

We got there a little before 11, and it wasn’t too long before we were on the road to the beach. This must’ve been one of the busiest weekends of the year in Rehobeth because the traffic was brutal. In talking with my brother, he said that a lot of new developments were built over the last few years, but the town’s short-sighted government decided against upgrading the support infrastructure … translation – the town decided not to expand any of the two-lane roads into four-lane roads, and no parking garages were built to accommodate the increase in visitors, making the task of finding a parking spot near the beach a near impossibility. Plus, most of the parking spots are metered – and the meters cost 25 cents for 10 minutes! However, Rehobeth does not require beach tags, so I guess it all evens out.

The beach itself was ridiculously crowded – beach umbrellas as far as the eye could see … in a way, it looked like a giant mushroom patch. I guess we were spoiled in the Outer Banks, because the beach was never THAT packed, and the traffic was non-existant. Still, the weather was perfect, we found a nice spot, and had a great few hours basking in the sun. By the way, the water was REALLY cold - and you men know that the toughest part about getting into the water is when the water rises about your “wedding tackle.”

After the beach, we walked down to the boardwalk area of Rehobeth, and went to the Purple Parrot for a late lunch (or as our friend Andy says it – “Dunch,” which is a combination of lunch and dinner). I had the Pot Roast hoagie – I highly recommend it, by the way! We spent some more time walking around the boardwalk, going into some local shops, and playing some games (winning some cheap stuffed animals).

Later that night, we went to the Am-Vets – my brother’s wife and her sister are members. The alcohol is cheap, and the entertainment is “interesting.” You only have to get passed the smoke-filled haze of the bar, but it is a ton of fun – we played some shuffle bowl, and pool …I had a hankering to play one of the slot machines there, but everyone else was ready to leave (which is probably a good thing).

On the ride home, we were making great time, until we hit a major rain/hail storm that slowed us down a bit. Still, we had a fantastic time … someday, when I win the Powerball, maybe I’ll get a place down the beach … sigh.

Top Ten List ...

I got to thinking about my blog and what other things I wanted to do with it – maybe have some sort of themes (there was a time when I posted pics and asked for the best captions). I think I came up with something that might or might not be funny. It’s a little hard to explain, but I guess it can be best compared to a top 10 list, but I’ll be focusing on (hopefully) topics that Letterman doesn’t. I’ll give it a whirl, and you can let me know what you think, or even offer suggestions on other topics.

First topic: Things you probably shouldn’t say while you’re dancing with a girl:

10. So, what did you do with the money your mom gave you for dancing lessons?
9. I learned all my best moves from Michael Jackson.
8. Do you wanna have a Moonwalk contest?
7. Last time I saw moves like that was whilst watching a guy have a heart attack.
6. Wow, you must be something in bed!
5. You should see my “It’s Raining Men” dance routine!
4. So, do you have a daughter?
3. You dance pretty well for an ugly chick!
2. I haven’t danced this close with a woman since I hokey-pokeyed with my mom.
1. Seriously, you need to drink less/more.

Scratch That ...

The last post was a post about the first crush I had … at least I thought that was my first crush. I actually had interest in girl years before Kathy … her name was Phadra – I’m really not sure how to spell it, as I was only 5 when she moved into my neighborhood. Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t as if I, at the ripe old age of 5, was interested in having “relations” with this girl, but she was the first girl I knew who I actually wanted to hang out with.

Honestly, I really don’t know much about her, other than she was funny, and liked to do things I did – which basically consisted of trying to catch crayfish in the creek in my back yard. Unfortunately, I had a nemesis – his name was Bill, and it wouldn’t be the first time the two of us would fight over a “woman.”

Bill had a distinct advantage over me – his family owned a swimming pool. That’s a huge advantage for a 5-year-old. Seriously – Phadra had to choose between getting dirty trying to catch god-knows-what in the creek, or taking a plunge in a swimming pool … complete with a volleyball net.

The choice was pretty simple … or at least it seemed that way on paper. However, I did have one thing going for me – my advanced sense of humor, and the uncanny ability to make Phadra laugh. Sure, sometimes Phadra chose the pool, but more times than not, she hung out with me.

For some reason, Bill, Phadra and I never really came to the conclusion that it would be good for the three of us to hang out. I think that Phadra liked the attention she got and the competition she created. Bill and I, unfortunately, didn’t learn from this, as we had another fight over a girl in the 7th grade … this time the stakes were a little bigger than just a swim in the pool … eh, a story for another time.

Phadra and her mom only lived in our neighborhood for a year or two – I’m not really sure where they moved to or what ever happened to her. I think she and her mom may have stopped by our house a few years after they moved, but by then, the magic was gone, and Bill and I could resume being friends.

My First Crush ...

After getting back from the Outer Banks, I got talkin' to my friend Slant about relationships with girls. It got me to thinking – I’ve had some really “interesting” girlfriends … and even girls I had crushes on. Like for instance, I remember very well the first crush I had. I was in 6th grade, and had just freshly retired my Super Friends lunch box in favor of the more socially accepted brown bag. That’s right, I was starting to become an adult, and quite naturally, Cupid would eventually point his love arrow my way (wait, that didn’t sound very good).

The girl’s name was Kathy, and she had recently moved back to my school district – she was in my Kindergarten class all those years ago (about 6 years ago, actually). I immediately felt a tingling in my heart … all of the sudden, girls no longer had cuties. In looking back, Kathy really wasn’t a knockout … she had dirty blonde hair … so dirty in fact, that she was kept home from school because of a case of head lice … no matter – I still had tingles for her.

Unfortunately, my mom was right in the middle of a run of bad clothing purchases for me – clothes like Uncle Charlie’s and Smacks pants, the fire-engine red Copa 83 and brown Nado Super Primo sneakers – I didn’t stand a chance with Kathy. Somehow, it got leaked to her that I liked her … she never gave me a second look. I was crushed … and I soon realized why they called them crushes.

I remember looking at our 5th grade yearbook longingly at the picture of Kathy. I had the full-blown crush … loss of appetite, even with my mom’s patented peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Herr’s potato chips, Kit Kat bar, and Capri Sun drink. I couldn’t think straight in class, and felt dizzy anytime that I saw her in the hallway. One time, she was walking down the hallway in one direction … alone … and I was walking in the other direction … alone … I thought I was going to pass out … and I probably would have if she made eye contact with me … which she sadly didn’t.

I’m not really sure what I would’ve done if she had agreed to go out with me. Maybe I would’ve met her at the mall and bought her a soft pretzel and possibly an Icee … if I had enough money in my brown soccer wallet. Maybe we would’ve danced real slow together at the middle-school dances that were held 3 times a year. Or maybe we could play kick the can or freeze tag with my neighborhood buddies.

As it turned out, it was probably for the best – Kathy began smoking and drinking in the 7th grade. The closest I ever came to drinking at that point was when my parents allowed me to have a splash of wine with my ginger ale at the dinner table … there was no way I could or even wanted to compete with that.

My God, vacation is already over??? In looking back, it felt like a dream, you know? It just went by too quickly to be real … but I guess that means we had fun, right? Here’s a brief description, complete with pics.

We left last Saturday morning – meeting Ray-Ray, Christa, and Johnnay at the Shell station in Newark Delaware around 7:45 AM. I took a picture of some sort of artwork or gang sign made out of feces at the gas station … thought this would be a fitting start to the trip.



On the way down to the Outer Banks on route 13, there is a place called Dixieland – this is the “official” beginning of the South. It is tradition for us to stop here on the trip down every year. Basically, the place sells cheap cigarettes, cheap fireworks, and cheap “Dixieland” trinkets for people to wear/hang in their houses, reminding them that they indeed crossed over into Confederate territory.



We made it down to our destination around 4:00 p.m. – the Winedown in beautiful Kill Devil Hills, NC. After we unpacked, we decided to make some frozen, fruity drinks (hey, it was hot down there!), and hang by the pool – a great start to the week.



On Sunday, I walked to the beach in the morning, and then, headed back to the pool. We decided to watch the Philadelphia Soul “AFL Championship Game” at the Sunburn Bar in Kill Devil Hills – heck, when your sports teams stink, you’ll root for anybody, I guess. The Soul did end up winning, by the way … oh, and the wings at the Sunburn … not so good.

We ventured to the beach on Monday, and there was still considerable seaweed in the water, thanks to the hurricane from the week before. It was fun, but you had to get away from the surf, or you’d end up looking like you were wearing a hula skirt. At night, we went to Jimmy’s Seafood Buffet – it featured about 8 different types of crabs, and tons of other seafood and non-seafood items. The wait to be seated was about 45 minutes or so. Unfortunately, it really wasn’t worth the wait, as was evidenced later that night, when Ray-Ray’s girl came down with a mild case of food-poisoning … on a side note, that might be the last time I do a seafood buffet … ya just can’t mess with seafood.

I fished at the Avalon fishing pier early Tuesday morning – came up with a great pic of the sun rising, as well as catching a few Spot (very small fish). We also made it to the Wright Brothers museum … in the 6 years I’ve gone down there, this was surprisingly the first time I ever made it there. Then, we hung out at the pool again.





Wednesday was another beach day, and although the water was better, there was still some seaweed. We went to the Beach Road Bar and Grill right off the dunes for some lunch, and let me tell ya-all (Southern drawl), this place is a must-go place. It is located on milepost 10.5 on Beach Road in Nags Head, and the food, drink, and company is well worth it. All their food is made from scratch, and they have fantastic specials every day. Plus, it’s located right by the beach, so you can leave your stuff, go to the bar for lunch, and head back to the beach later in the day. We went there quite a few times for the remainder of the trip.

Wednesday night, we went back to the Sunburn for some Karaoke. I have a video of Johnnay singing, but (a) it took too long to load, and (b) I figured he'd probably be against me showing this.

On Thursday, we took a pontoon boat out in the back channels and actually did pretty well with the fishing. I caught my first drum fish ever – it was on the small side, but still a coveted personal accomplishment. That night, we ended up cooking quite a seafood meal and having a few cocktails (oh yeah, I think we did this every night).

Friday came much too quickly. Ray-Ray, Johnnay, Christa and I played some miniature golf, and Christa somehow won, even though she claims it was her first time. Let me just say in my defense, that for most of my shots, either the sun was in my eyes, or the wind was blowing too hard. We spent the afternoon and evening on the beach again, and this was by far the best day on the beach. The ocean was calm and clear, almost like the Caribbean. We must’ve been in the water for a couple of hours easy throwing the football, or looking for the fish (I swear, you could see right to the bottom even 5 feet out).

Ray-Ray, Christa and Johnnay decided to leave Friday night – it was kind of sad, because that really signaled the beginning of the end of the trip. We left Saturday morning, and as we approached Dixieland on the way home, I felt the last bit of vacation drifting away. Of course, the trip back felt about 53 times longer than the trip down, for obvious reasons. God, I really should’ve taken Monday off … sigh.



Me and Ray-Ray