How I Ruined Easter

Like I had said in the previous post, one of the traditions of Easter is having ham for dinner. However, this is no longer necessarily the case with the Griebs (at least at the Grieb’s house that I am invited to for Easter). The following is, for the most part, a true story on how I was able to change this disgusting tradition.

When I was around 10 or 11, I was more-or-less a normal kid, in that I loved playing sports, thought girls had Kuties, thought fart jokes were hysterically funny. You know, the usual kiddie things. However, one thing that was different about me (besides the fact that I had chafe marks from wearing ‘Lederhosen’) was that I had an aversion to ham (see last post). Most of my relatives knew this very well.

I want to preface this story by saying that I know that I’m in a very small minority, as most people of Christian faith absolutely love ham. I don’t look down on these “common-folk,” but I do feel a bond to others who admit to hating ham. It is not an easy thing to do. Back to the story.

It was my Uncle Richard’s turn to host the Grieb Easter dinner (In our family, we had rotating holiday-hosting. It can be very confusing). He and his wife decided to go the traditional route of cooking ham for Easter dinner, even though they knew very well that I would not eat ham, even if my life depended on it (alright, maybe if my life depended on it, I would bite the bullet, but anything short of that, and …well, you’ll see).

You can imagine my disappointment when I found out the situation. I was (and probably still am) a very stubborn person. I think my mom knew immediately that I would not be easy to deal with at this point. No “arrangements” were made for me, which compounded the situation. Now by arrangements, let me give you some examples:

***If you are inviting Los to your house for a dinner, and you are planning on having ham, please do one of the following:

1. Make sure that there is another meat that you are cooking. Some of my family members have gone to this extreme by cooking a turkey and a ham, or something like that. This is not an easy thing to do, but it is always appreciated.
2. Have an alternative ready for Los, whether it is a t.v. dinner, or a turkey hoagie.
3. Inform Los that he needs to bring something with him. It is no problem for Los to stop at McDonalds prior.
4. Don’t invite Los. You may save yourself a headache.

Once again, back to the story. When dinner-time rolled around, I was so incensed with being ignored (that’s the way I felt – because they had ham, it made me feel like I was being ignored. I know … it must be a sickness). So, my mom handed me a plate, and I said that I wasn’t interested in eating. My mom, god bless her soul, said that I needed to eat something. She started going down the list of items on the table: Corn – no!, Potatoes – no!, Sauerkraut – no!, Broccoli – no! Finally, after my mom was thoroughly annoyed by my no answers, she said the now famous words, “Fine. Then, have a bowl of ketchup.”

Normal kids would’ve probably just shrugged that off, and had some corn. Not me. I decided to take my mom up on her offer to see who would blink first. I poured myself a bowl of Heinz, and ate it … the entire bowl … just ketchup. Here is what I discovered. Ketchup does not fill you up, not even a bowl of it. But, I was determined. I did not eat another thing the entire time over there. Wow, what an impression I must’ve given to the rest of my relatives.
Here’s the thing, though. It worked. There is never just ham on the menu at family gatherings because of me. The more depressing thing is that at some gatherings, like this past Easter Sunday, there was no ham on the menu at all (at my mom’s house). I feel bad about this, because my wife and a few family members REALLY love ham. But, I don’t feel that bad because my tummy is full.

Easter Tradition - No Ham Please!

There are many traditional things to take part in when it comes to Easter – painting eggs, going to church, spending time with family … heck, most normal families even have ham for dinner … but not my family … well, at least not since I’ve been around. You see, I have what some people call an aversion to the portly product. Truthfully, I think my “aversion” to ham can be more closely described as a downright obsession in its disgustingness (is that even a word)?

How did this all begin, and how far has it gone? I’m glad you asked (and if you didn’t ask, go play in traffic). As a young child, I remember going over to my Uncle Richard’s house, and he had a carved ham on the kitchen table, beckoning me to sample. I obliged, eating somewhere in the neighborhood of 4-6 slices of the curiously pink meat. Later on that night whilst lying in bed, my stomach decided that it did not want to digest all of that ham, and proceeded to prompt me to puke … all over my bed. Needless to say, Inga wasn’t too pleased with her son.

Unfortunately, this type of thing happened on two other occasions when ham was on the menu, which finally caused me to nix any ingestion whatsoever of cooked ham. To put this into perspective, I would much more readily eat Liverwurst and onions, topped with chocolate sauce and warm milk – while watching a marathon of Yes Dear, than I would ham.

Now, here are the boundaries, and I’m not sure why these boundaries are where they are, but they just are. First, I like just about any other pork product (sans pigs feet, because that is just gross). These products include hot dogs, bacon, and pork. However, Canadian bacon would make me gag more than Paris Hilton on a good night. I’m not a big fan of Italian hoagies, but I will eat them if (A) the rolls are really good, (B) if there is enough mayonnaise and lettuce to muffle the taste of the lunchmeat ham, and (C) if beer is involved. But, I’d really rather have a turkey hoagie, roast beef hoagie, or even a chicken salad or tuna hoagie for that matter (in case you are planning to have me over for some sort of hoagie party …. Not that kind of a hoagie party, you perverts).

But it is a little more far reaching than that. I love turkey, BUT if the lunchmeat turkey is considerably pinkish (yes, some lunchmeat turkey looks like this), there is a good chance that I won’t eat this. I’m not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me or not, but I swear the taste of that stuff resembles ham.

I know, my mind doesn’t always work correctly. But as some of you know, I am deftly afraid of puking. In the past, burgers and pizza have been off my list of foods to eat, because I puked after eating them … However, they worked their way back onto the lineup after a while (it took pizza about 3-4 years and burgers about 1 year).

There are other foods I’m not necessarily fond of. I don’t really like baked potatoes or any cooked potato product (dumplings, home fries, etc.), but I do love French fries (not crazy about steak fries, though) and potato chips. I don’t really like peas and beans, either – I think it is a texture thing (so if you make chili for me, go easy on the beans). I’m not crazy about pasta with lots of cheese (so I have difficulty at Italian restaurants). Other than that, I’m pretty good (I know, I have a lot of “normal” foods that I don’t like – it is the product of growing up in a household where food experimentation wasn’t really practiced).

On Tuesday/Wednesday, I’ll have part 2 of the ham story – the part about how I was able to manipulate our entire family. BTW, pass along some foods you don’t like.

Random Summery Thoughts

1. A new Chick Fil-A opened right across the street from the office I work in. I love Chick Fil-A. I mean, I LOVE Chick Fil-A. Now, they’ve built one so close, that I can practically smell the grilled flesh while reading my e-mails. However, even though they gave us free breakfast coupons for visiting on the first day, they still insist on filling the cup with more ice than the Arctic Ocean.

2. I hate to complain, but I have two traffic-related issues to “discuss.” First, the construction on I-95 is getting ridiculous. I’m guessing it is warranted, and the time it is taking to fix whatever the situation is, is justified. But, closing one lane each way just past the International Airport for more than 5 months is a little excessive in my opinion (maybe, I view it this way BECAUSE I NEED TO TAKE THIS ROUTE TO AND FROM WORK EVERY FRICKIN’ DAY AND IT ADDS ANYWHERE FROM 10 MINUTES TO 45 MINUTES TO MY COMMUTE EVERY SINGLE DAY). There is also another road construction “issue” at 4th and Market Street, right by the FOX studios in Olde City. They have had one of the lanes closed off for about 1 full year now, and traffic is not only stifling around there, but it is more dangerous than a pit bull with a headache. Now, I know this one shouldn’t have taken this long, and I’m guessing it is because the city is involved with it (things just same to take longer when the city is involved). I HATE construction.

3. I grilled hot dogs and burgers for the first time this year a few days ago. Let me tell ya, there’s nothing like a grilled dog or burger on a beautiful Spring day. It’s like sign that the cold days of winter are gone for good (at least until next winter). I can’t wait to start grilling chicken, steak, burgers, dogs, potatoes, corn, and any other cool concoction (even seafood). Bring on the beautiful summer days filled with the smell of burning charcoal, and freshly cut grass.

4. Summer also means changing alcohol drinking to some sweeter-tasting drinks – such as Corona (with a lime), Long Island Iced Teas, and even those Smirnoff fruity drinks (for the women … I would never drink any drink that wasn’t a manly drink … cough, cough).

To Be A Philly Fan

It is thoroughly depressing to be a Philly sports fan. I know this is about as much of a newsflash as water being wet, but I feel a need to rant/reflect, so bare with me (yes, you too, Ryk).

Do you realize that before Philly sports fans were forced to root for horses and argue the validity of horse-racing as a sport, there was a time when true professional sports teams actually were successful? Yes, long before we started excitedly celebrating the virtues of winning minor-league championships, We had an era of success in Philadelphia.

If one can hearken back to the mid-to-late 1970’s to 1983, Philadelphia was a Mecca of sorts when it came to professional sports dominance. The Philadelphia Flyers won two Stanley cups to welcome this era, and were dangerously close to winning a couple more. The Phillies experienced their most successful era ever (not that there were any other eras that were comparatively close, which says something about the Phils) in the late 1970’s/early 1980’s – even winning their lone World Series in 1980. The Eagles, after years of laughably poor teams, actually made it to the Super Bowl in 1980-81, failing to bring home the holy grail after derailing the hated Cowboys in the NFC championship game earlier (some say that the Eagles were so focused on beating their arch-rivals that by the time the Super Bowl came, the team didn’t have the same desire). Heck, even the Sixers had an amazing run, culminating in the last major professional sports championship in the city in 1983 (that team probably should’ve won at least 3 titles, but I digress).

Sure, since 1983, each of the Philly teams has made it to one championship game: The Flyers did so in 1997 (losing to the Red Wings in 4 games), The Phillies in 1993 (losing in 6 to the Blue Jays – I hate Joe Carter!), the Sixers in 2001 (falling to the superior Lakers in 5), and the Eagles (running out of gas against the Pats in 2004-05). But, with 4 professional sports teams, one would probably think that at least one should win a title every 20+ years, right? Not Philly.

The word “Choke,” had become as commonplace as words like cheese-steak, soft-pretzel, and wudder-ice here. We often root for our teams, knowing deep inside that they will find some creative way to let us down. Whether it is giving up a home run in game six of the World Series, losing a star player to a life-threatening concussion prior to a division championship game, having a normally calm quarterback lose his cool in the Super Bowl, or watching a young-rising super-star get outclassed by a younger, more impressive superstar in the NBA championship game.

We have many to blame – coaches, GM’s, players – all being inept in one way or another. But, we fans tend to blame ourselves. We feel we’ve wasted too much time rooting for a team that will always break our hearts. Some of us feel we’ve let the teams down by either not cheering passionately enough or possibly that we are performing our superstitious behaviors properly enough.

We come to the conclusion as true fans that we must stick with our teams through thick and thin. In Philly, it is mostly thin, which is odd, considering that most of the residents are not. Maybe we do it in the hopes that one team will finally reward us for our loyalty. More likely, we do it, because we don’t know any better. For whatever reason, we are fans, and we will follow these teams to our graves. (We may not like what we follow, and we may air out our grievances – just listen to W.I.P. sometime)

What Was M. Night Thinking?

I normally enjoy M. Night Shyamalan’s movies. I particularly enjoyed The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, and Signs was pretty good too, although nowhere near as good as the previous two. That is why I was particularly excited when I clicked on HBO and The Village was just starting. I had meant to see it in the theatres a few years ago, but for one reason or another, I never got a chance.

I should thank my lucky stars that I didn’t plunk down the $8 to see this pile of steaming crap, because I probably would’ve kicked myself in the nuts for doing so. I was so disappointed in this movie, that I’m fuming over the 2+ hours I wasted viewing this dung. I know I should’ve turned it off, but I just kept on waiting for something to happen (much like the Blair Witch Project), and eventually the credits rolled.

Normally, I would not give too much of a movie away so I wouldn’t spoil it for the people who “weren’t lucky enough” to have seen it yet. But, seriously, I’m doing you a favor. Don’t watch it. You’ll thank me. Not only is there no real action in this flop of a movie, the “big Shyamalan” twist that occurs in every one of his movies is so lame, that I felt like drop-kicking my television set after it was “revealed.”

I am more disappointed by how such a great cast was wasted on this puddle of puke. One would think that a movie that included Joaquin Phoenix, Adrian Brody, William Hurt, and Sigourney Weaver would be a slam-dunk. Apparently, Mr. Shyamalan was really moved by Ishtar, because, much like that movie, a good cast of actors was successfully engulfed in this miserable flick.

The funny part is, I’m usually able to find the good parts of movies. There are exceptions that include Betsy’s Wedding, Quiz Show, and That Darn Cat, but for the most part, I usually look for the good in a movie and focus on that. Heck, I even enjoyed such flops as “Dude, Where’s My Car,” “Dumb and Dumberer,” and “Caddyshack 2.” But, I really can’t think of anything good about this movie.

The “scary monster” that was supposed to be in this movie was something the elder villagers created on their own, which was a tremendous let-down. The “shocking twist” was basically that this town existed in the modern world, which is not shocking at all, considering we have Amish people in this country. Every part of this movie sucked from the lack of action, to the silly vocabulary used.
After I got done watching this movie, I wanted to call HBO up and tell them to put on Meet the Fockers for the 20,000th time, because it was a better option than The Village. Ugh, what a letdown. Did I mention that you shouldn’t go see this movie?

Newspaper-Crapper, Gas, and Maddonna-Star Wars

1. I know this is a controversial subject, and I respect both sides of this issue – newspapers or magazines left in a stall at the office. For the record, I actually enjoy this, because it gives me something to do while dropping a deuce instead of just smelling my excrement. The funny thing is that when I see newspapers in a stall, even when I don’t have to “take the Browns to the Super Bowl,” I sometimes wish that I had to go, so that I could read what was left behind.
I know the counterargument – the one that you are basically touching a newspaper that was in the hands of somebody else who was previously “ripping off some tree bark,” so there is a chance that you may be touching this other person’s turds indirectly. I think these people are germophobes, and probably get sick more than people who aren’t, because they don’t allow their body’s immune system to fully flourish (they keep ingesting antihistamines and antibiotics so frequently, that the immune system basically stops functioning properly). So, quit worrying about crap on the newspaper, and just read the crap that is written in it (geez!).

2. I just heard that it is predicted that gas prices are supposed to hit $3.00 a gallon by this summer again, and boy am I excited. I haven’t been this excited since I had my wisdom teeth pulled (actually, I was hopped up on some sort of pain-preventing drug, so the actual moment of wisdom-teeth eviction was quite enjoyable. But the days immediately following – when I was forced to eat nothing but Jello pudding – were tremendously unenjoyable … like watching Live 8 on MTV.). There has to be some sort of solution for the entire country at this point, or at least a major initiative to solve the problem (either by finding ways to lower the prices, or just plain increasing the speed at which we as a country are weaned off of gasoline). Of course, this could increase the likelihood that my company will allow me to work at home, at least a few days a week … probably not.

3. A coworker of mine passed along a story that apparently George Lucas has asked Madonna to appear in a Star Wars TV show that he is in the process of producing. My biggest question is which Madonna will we see in the show – the trampy Lucky Star Madonna, the whorish Erotica Madonna, the motherly Madonna, or a new creation? Will she be a Jedi or part of an evil empire who’s goal is to wipe out the good Jedi’s (I imagine she has plenty experience wielding a “light saber”). But an overriding question is what does George Lucas see in Madonna that makes him think that she is a perfect fit for Star Wars? Obviously, the Star Wars nerds would probably be able to fill up an Olympic sized swimming pool in a matter of minutes with all of the gunk that they’ll be ejaculating after this news becomes official. But, will the Madonna fans be able to stomach something that doesn’t involve synchronized sex and dancing (or maybe Lucas envisions this in the new Star Wars – sheesh!). Plus, will casual Star Wars fans be sold on this? I mean, it didn’t work when Star Trek tried it with Whoopi Goldberg (I’m not saying that this is the same thing – Whoopi Goldberg has the power to kill shows and movies on the same level asTed McGinley). But this is intriguing. Hopefully her agent was smart enough not to allow her to take the part of Jar Jar Binks.

Nightmares of a Geisha

I may have mentioned earlier that my wife’s birthday was on Monday, and we celebrated by going to Atlantic City to hang out with the nearly dead. What I didn’t tell you was that for her birthday, I did something very un-manly – I agreed to watch Memoirs of a Geisha with her.

To give you an idea of how much I dislike artsy movies, I consider them like watching an opera, and I consider watching an opera like getting punched repeatedly in the testicles. I can get by watching an artsy movie if (a) it is dealing with something that interests me (sex, rock music, or nudity), or (b) if a lot of gratuitous female nudity is shown in the movie. If none of these are on the docket, I will have a difficult time staying awake through the entire movie.

“Thankfully,” Memoirs of a Geisha had none of my prerequisites in it, but I agreed to watch it because I love my wife and sometimes guys (at least the good ones) have to bite the bullet and watch some of the filth that women watch. Mind you, I refuse to watch American Idol because (A) I think the show absolutely sucks worse than Paris Hilton does, and (B) I think it does a disservice to the music industry (in other words, these people with great voices are, in my opinion, better suited for karaoke bars and as wedding singers).

But, I agreed to watch Memoirs of a Geisha with my wife. Little did I know how long this movie was. This movie made King Kong feel like a 20-minute feature. But, that being said, I can understand why this movie was so critically acclaimed. First, and foremost (at least for my interests), the women were absolutely beautiful. Second, it was really interesting to learn about the Geisha culture (of course, I find a better outlet for this to be documentaries and shows on history channels). Thirdly, the back-drops, stages, and props used were well crafted (hey, I know I’m reaching).

The movie was close to 3 hours long, and it felt every bit that long. But, you have to understand, movies I consider classics, such as Weird Science, Airplane, and Dumb and Dumber, may not be everyone else’s cup-of-tea (which, of course, I’ll never understand).

A.C. and the Elderly

You know how when elephants are going to die (at least in the wild), they travel to a specific location, one in which other elephants have gone to die? I believe it is called an elephant burial ground. It looks like we humans are beginning to do the same thing, but instead of traveling to some remote forest in order to pass on to the next level, the elderly go to Atlantic City.

My god, what a depressing site this “vacation paradise” is. Old people trudging around with their walkers, wheel chairs, oxygen tanks … it looks, feels, and smells like a hospital, except they replace the hospital beds with slot machines. Surely time-challenged humanoids can find other more useful ways to spend their remaining years on this planet than cursing the Lucky 7’s machine all day long, can’t they?

Even Atlantic City offers more than just slots, but one hardly ever sees an older person enjoying a walk up and down the boardwalk, or taking in a nice dinner and show. Instead, they clog up the casino floor with their wheezing, coughing, and excruciatingly slow movements that make negotiating ones way through the casino much like rush hour traffic.
Maybe that is why the higher-end casinos like the Borgata or the more trendy casinos like the Tropicana are so popular – because they basically price out the aging population. I was telling my wife yesterday that it would be great for a casino to either have a young-person section or ban these old people altogether – of course the Trop’ and Borgata found a less abrasive way to solve this problem.

MLB "Investigation-apalooza"

So Major League Baseball is ready to “take a stand” and really address this steroid situation after all these years? Man do I have a bunch of issues with this. Let’s get started, shall we?

First, I have a feeling that this may be a little too late. I mean, it is now 2006, and this stuff was going on for at least 10 years prior to 2003. How can this “independent” investigator possibly find any information this late in the game? All he will get is a lot of third-party hearsay.

Second, do you really think the players union or any of the players (besides Canseco) will provide any information? Of course not. Expecting this to happen would be like expecting Michael Jackson to turn black again. It’s not going to happen.

Third, are we supposed to believe that this will be an “independent” investigation? Seriously? MLB has hired one of its own to do the investigating – a part owner of the Boston Red Sox. Hmmph, that doesn’t sound very independent. Brad Pitt’s relationship with Angelina Jolie seems more independent than this. Second, to appease the government, this part owner used to be a senator or something like that. This means that the MLB carefully selected somebody that they could influence AND would get the government off their back. I haven’t seen this much backdoor collaboration since OPEC was formed.

Fourth, do the owners REALLY want to “find out” what happened? Could this be incriminating to some of them? Weren’t they a little too giddy after the pumped up home-run race of 1998 “saved” the game? I have a feeling that many of these owners knew what was going on, and some may have even secretly encouraged it. I have no proof on this, but I have a hard time believing that they couldn’t have noticed the juiced up players with the watermelon-sized heads, and the pumped up stats.

There are probably more things that make this “investigation” just a ludicrous attempt to “legitimize” the game. I’m not buying it. Like I said in my other blog, Why do I have the feeling that this will be about as successfull as the Warren Commission investigation of the Kennedy assassination?

My Two Cents

1. I heard that Kevin Federline said that if he doesn’t make it as a musician, he would become a stripper … After hearing his first single, I would suggest that he start learning the art of pole dancing.

2. Robert Esche started acting like a little baby when interviewed by the Daily News this week – whining about how Coach Hitchcock probably already made his decision on which goalie will be the starter going into the playoffs. Will Eschie, would you start a chronic, inconsistent complainer in the playoffs? Neither would I. Enjoy the pine.

3. Basic Instinct 2 is coming out. Basically, my decision on whether or not to go see this movie depends on whether or not Sharon Stone bears her clam again. That was the only redeeming quality of the first one.

4. I had some really disgusting French fries from McDonalds about 2 weeks ago. Thanks to this, I haven’t had a craving for McDonalds since then.

5. The NCAA college basketball tournament has been the most exciting one in years. Even though my pool has been shot more times than Kennedy, I’m still enjoying the games – most of which have been very entertaining. I hope that George Mason wins it all, as long as they beat UCLA in the finals (I still have a shot of winning some money in the pool, if UCLA gets that far).

6. Daylight savings time is coming up again – it may be one of my least favorite days of the year, because now I have to set the clocks forward and essentially lose an hour of sleep. So, if you see me Monday, try to avoid me.

50 Years

So, April marks 50 years that my parents have lived in this Country. Of course, some may find this hard to believe because even though they have lived most of their lives in the good ol’ U.S.A., their accents are still thicker than the gravy at the Old Country Buffet.

Heck, my mom’s grammar is almost as bad as Anna Nicole’s. It’s so bad, that I actually have a running list of some of her biggest “zingers” on my old website: http://losrulz.tripod.com/Inga.htm. My all-time favorite would have to be one she used to say when I was in the bathroom and somebody called. Normally, you would expect your mom to say something along the lines of, “Can Karl call you back, he is busy.” Nope, not my mom. I guess she never wanted to lie, so instead she would answer, “I’m sorry, Karl’s in the toilet.” This was done in a thick accent, which only added to the funny. Of course, in high school, this really wasn’t so funny in my eyes, especially if a girl was calling to talk to me. I can only imagine how much of a turn-off this was, visualizing me taking a growler. Ah, but what a story.

There are so many other Inga-isms, and I try to add them whenever I hear new ones – however, since I no longer live there, I don’t hear them as often (one of the things I miss about not living there).

But, they’ve come a long way, thick accents aside. Just imagine immigrating to a country that speaks a language that you know 0% of. Imagine doing this before the internet, cable T.V., and Sesame Street. Yep, that was my parents. They were lucky enough to find good employment (they were sponsored by a company that was looking for German immigrants), and even more lucky to find neighbors who helped them learn not only the language, but also fit in to society.

And, even though I struggled for years with not only generation gap issues with my parents, but also culture gap issues, it made me a stronger, more compassionate and understanding person. My parents did good, and I am proud of them for overcoming so many obstacles to live the American dream.

Jones for Brian

As some of you may know, I happen to like the Stones. To make a comparison, the Stones to me are like air to others – I need them to live. I heard about a movie being made on the live and controversial death of Brian Jones about a year ago. If you don’t know Brian, let me give you a little background on this tortured soul.

To start off, if there never was a Brian, there probably would’ve never been a Rolling Stones band … yeah, a pretty important person. Jones was the catalyst behind the World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band, at least in the early years. He was the guy who formed this often combustible, but always exciting band.

He was the leader of the band, even though traditionally, the lead singer was the face of the band. This would eventually cause a riff in the band – the first of endless. But first, the band would focus on good ol’ fashion American blues music, something the British kids were eating up like tea and krimpets. The Stones hit a chord with the masses, and rapidly gained popularity rivaling that of the Beatles.

For a while, the thrill of being “3-chord-wonders” and the financial and sexual returns associated with that was enough for young Brian. However, Mr. Jones never wanted to stop creating – as evidenced by the numerous instruments he played. When Mick and Keith started to become the main songwriters, Brian, who probably was already too into the experimentalization of psychedelic drugs to even bother to write music, felt pushed into the background of the Stones, a place he was never comfortable in.

Brian overmedicated himself in order to “deal” with his lesser role in the band. This, and his relationship with Anna Pallenberg (sp) got him through. However, Keith made sure that Pallenberg would no longer be an outlet for Brian, as he ended up taking her away from him. This helped Brian get to the point where he was really no longer functional as a musician, and the Stones had to ultimately make the difficult decision to cut ties with their “creator.”

The movie hopefully will cover this, and go into great detail with the circumstances around his death. Was it murder, suicide, natural causes, or accidental overdose? There are many theories and legends to what happened to Brian, and I have my own. From what I have read, the research that went into this movie lasted more than ten years and was excruciatingly extensive to the point that the British government is considering reexamining the death of Brian Jones because of the new information that was provided by these detail-oriented directors. I, for one, can’t wait to see it – hopefully, it will make it to Philly.

Random Thoughts

Sick Sucks
Isn’t it funny that you never realize how good feeling good feels until you are sick? It’s not that I have anything major, just a slight case of the flu, which comes with an annoying headache, and nausea. Hopefully, I don’t have bird flu.

Enough Esche
The Flyers open a stretch of important games starting tonight against the hated New Jersey Devils. Hitchcock finally has given Niitimaki a chance to showcase his talents in goal, and I think if this team has any chance of going deep into the playoffs, they will need to ride him. Esche is just too inconsistent.

Philled With Anticipation?
Less than two weeks until the Phillies start their season, and you know what? I’m actually kind of excited about it. Maybe it is partly because the Eagles did a very good job of impersonating the Temple Owls last season. Probably more importantly, the Phils got rid of Ed Wade, and have brought in a more knowledgeable and honest general manager. Sure, the Phils have some holes, but I am more apt to watch and attend games with out Wade’s “influence.”

King-Konged?
Should Billy King be kept on next season? The Sixers look atrocious, and it doesn’t seem like they will have any room to make any moves to improve this team anytime soon. I guess at least he’s not as bad as Isaiah Thomas, but still – this team has fallen a long way since the 2001 season.

True Cowpie?
T.O. is now a Cowboy, and lots of Eagles fans are jumping ship faster than NBC did after the first XFL season. Immediately, they are writing the Eagles off, while giving the Lombardi trophy to the Cowboys. It’s not like Dallas has a perfect team. Their quarterback is woefully inadequate, and this is probably the most important issue when it comes to T.O. In fact, I’d like to see how the relationship goes after Bledsoe throws a few worm-burners at him. Additionally, I think the Birds should resign Tim Hauck, so he can work the same magic he used when he ended Michael Irvin’s career.

Things in My Head

1. I absolutely love the new Dairy Queen commercial advertising the new sandwich that apparently is really, really hot. This is the one where the guy is in the office and takes a bite of the sandwich, and immediately things start catching fire in his office – because his breath is so hot. I think that companies that try to be funny – like Anheuser Busch and Miller really should find out who came up with the concept of it

2. My new car keeps getting crapped on by birds – more-so than any of the other cars that I have driven. I’m wondering if these birds (a) realize that one car is newer or more expensive than another car, and (b) have some sort of complex game with other birds in which they score points for crapping on new cars. The birds in my neighborhood are excellent at this game.

3. Another movie to add to the “it was better when I was younger than it is now” museum – Dragnet. I remember when this movie came out in 1997, and it had quite a buzz around it. Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd (at the time, he was still making decent movies) co-starred, and when I first saw it, I loved it. Well, it was on Encore on Sunday, and I was excited to see it again. I’m not sure if it was because I was still a little tired, wasn’t drinking coffee, or hadn’t taken my morning growler yet, but I did NOT find it funny anymore. Maybe I’m just so tired with Dan Aykroyd and his amazing Chevy Chase career impersonation. I don’t know. All I know is that I’ll probably never watch this movie again.

4. The World Baseball Classic is still going on. I know, I know – many of you had no idea it even started, or what the hell the World Baseball Classic even is. I watched a few games, but lost interest rather early. But the funny part is that not even did the U.S. embarrass themselves by losing so early (why can’t any of our teams play well against other countries anymore), but they lost despite the obvious “leniency” that the officials and umpires gave them. We can’t even win when we have all the cards. Thank goodness nobody gives a crap about the World Baseball Classic.

The Big Dance

I may have commented about this last year, and if I did, I don’t care … so there.

We a day away from one of the greatest sporting events in the world, March Madness. So many would-be prognosticators come out of the wood-work around this time every year, that I’m surprised Punxatawny hasn’t gotten involved with this – I’m sure that ground-hog has a wide-open calendar after February.

You couldn’t swing a dead cat and not hit somebody who truly thinks he/she truly knows college basketball. Most of these people have probably seen a few highlights on ESPN throughout the year, and based on this amount of “research,” they feel confident in their picks. These are the same people who probably wouldn’t feel confident in telling you what they’ll probably be eating for lunch later in the day, but with this “bracketology,” they all think they’re experts.

That’s the fun (aggravating) part of this time of the year – somebody who never paid attention to college basketball always seems to win. Last year, I came in first in two pools, and second in another pool (making about $500 in the process) – and I didn’t watch an entire basketball game all season. Somehow, I just “knew” that Vermont would upset Syracuse and dash the hopes of half the participants in basketball pools throughout the country. I picked a few other upsets, based on nothing more than a hunch. But, man did I feel like a genius at the end.

This year, I’ll probably fail miserably. I’ve already invested more time in trying to pick the winners than I did in the last 5 years combined. I’m sure that I have already outsmarted myself, trying to find that improbable upset. But, hey, I can’t think of a better way to spend a day at work, than going to ESPN.com, and rooting for teams that I didn’t even know existed a few weeks ago.

One of these years, I’m going to take Thursday and Friday off, and go to a bar to watch the games. I hear a lot of people do that, and I think that may be fun. Of course, with St. Patrick’s Day falling on Friday, I think I’ll avoid the “Once-a –year” Irish people, and enjoy the games at home.

Truly March Madness?????

In what might be the most ingenious events planning of all-time, March Madness begins on St. Patrick’s Day. I have a gut feeling that there will be an un-heard number of sick-days being spent on Thursday and Friday.

One question pops to mind – is it o.k. to drink green beer and watch the basketball tournament? My guess is yes, only because it is still beer. If it were broccoli juice or something disgusting like that, maybe I would think differently.

Another question – Can college basketball be watched with that annoying Irish music being played in the background? I’m guessing the green beer will make it palatable – hopefully the green dye used will actually increase the alcohol level in the beer (and the body).

Finally, everybody knows that St. Patrick’s Day is amateur night for many beer-drinkin’ wannabe’s. These part-timer’s come out of the woodwork and crowd just about every bar around (and the bars that are not crowded on St. Patrick’s Day, are bars you probably don’t want to go to in the first place). This will most assuredly cause problems with the patrons who are trying to watch the basketball games, possibly causing drunken riots of unmatched proportions. Again, maybe the green beer will help with this (maybe they will put prozac in the green dye).

O.K., so on second thought, maybe having March Madness start on St. Patrick’s Day is not such a good idea.

Was Booger Really a Nerd?

A few of the guys at work got to talkin’ the other day about movies that we really liked as kids. One of these movies was the critically acclaimed (or not) masterpiece - Revenge of the Nerds. I remember watching this on PRISM as a youngster (if you don’t know PRISM, you obviously aren’t from Philly – it was like the local version of HBO).

There were many reasons I was always excited when this movie was on. Sure, it was witty, funny, and the underdogs won despite great odds against them (see Victory, Rocky, Bad News Bears, and just about any other movie out there now). But, as raging adolescents, we loved the movie because of the gratuitous nude shots - probably around five minutes worth – which was like an eternity for our horny little minds (weird how no movies with that kind of nudity are really produced anymore – at least not ones from major studios).

We got to talkin’ more about the characters in Revenge of the Nerds, and something dawned on me. Why was Booger considered a Nerd? It’s not like he dressed like a Nerd – he dressed more like a slob (slob does not equal nerd). In fact, he was very slob-like altogether – and most Nerds are obsessed with keeping things clean.

Booger also drank a ton of beer and burped (and farted) about as much as I do (a lot). Again, Nerds may enjoy the occasional Gallo, but they certainly don’t indulge in binge drinking. Since drinking kills brain cells (see Michael Jackson), this would be like Kryptonite to Superman, wouldn’t it?

Booger also enjoys daily toke from a doobie. Again, very un-nerd-like. Some nerds may at least experiment with the Gonj’ to see if it can help them solve problems, but they end up doing uncharacteristic things like paint picture and other artsy stuff – so they immediately stop.

Finally, Booger never really displayed any intelligence at all as a “nerd.” The most he did was show his other nerds how to roll joints and play cards – more of a negative influence, if you ask me.

Booger reminded me more of Belushi’s character in Animal House. Why wasn’t Booger part of a better fraternity, anyway? Wouldn’t fraternities kill for a guy that can drink, belch, fart, and roll joints with extreme precision? Wouldn’t this be a good mascot? I never really figured this one out.

Oh, speaking of thinking outside the box, I really do think that Booger would’ve been a great character in the Police Academy movies. How cool would that have been, if his character did do a crossover? Just think how great this would’ve been if this was somehow done – it would’ve predated that whole Jason vs. Freddie thing.


Hopefully, the Last Bonds Piece I Do
One more thing totally unrelated to this post, and hopefully the last Barry Bonds issue I post (I’ve typed far too many words already). After speaking with numerous people on this Barry Bonds/Steroid cluster-f*ck, I have a question for you (both of you). What is worse – gambling on baseball, or taking steroids (basically, what I’m asking is this – is what Pete Rose did worse than what Barry Bonds is doing?)?

Topical Chat, March 7, 2006

Why No Coat Racks??

I did a post on my other blog site a few days ago about a state (I think Connecticut) that is looking into a bill that would require restaurant and bars to have coat racks in their rest rooms. Initially, I thought this was a stupid idea – I mean is this state so well off that they can think about frivolous bills like this one?

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that way, BUT whilst eating at Wendy’s last week, I realized how great it would be to have a coat rack at each table of restaurants (more importantly, fast-food restaurants). Fast food companies already try to maximize their space by cramming as many small tables as possible inside their walls. A typical “four-person table” is only really comfortable for 2 people. Now, when one includes jackets, this reduces the precious “ass-space” even further.

I guess I shouldn’t complain about that – after all, if they did add coat-racks, I might have to pay an extra 20 cents for value-meal #4.


Say It Ain’t So, Barry….NOT!!

So, Sports Illustrated is about to blow the roof off of the baseball industry when they publish a story about Barry Bonds and his use (abuse) of steroids. Bravo, SI! Hopefully, they will have enough room in the magazine to report on the moon landing of 1969.

Look, I hate Barry Bonds for many, many reasons – one of which is because he not only cheated with steroids, but he was so smug about it. What makes anyone think that this story is going to change anything? Everybody knows he used steroids (and those of you who refuse to believe this should grab both of your ears and pull them out of your rectum immediately).

Major League Baseball, which is still suffering from a strained neck caused by many years oflooking the other way, will not be forced to do anything about it now (and therefore, they will continue the status quo of ignoring it) – their motto is “what’s in the past, stays in the past, and as long as nobody else cares, we don’t care.” MLB made so much money off of players’ use of steroids in the mid-to-late 1990’s and beyond, that it is in their best interest not to do anything (it can be argued that steroid usage saved them after the 1994 lockout, or at the very least sped up the recovery).

I believe in Karma, and I’m betting that someday, somehow, Barry Bonds will have his day … I hope it is the worst day ever recorded.

Sit-Down Shopping???

I might sound a little insensitive with this post, but frankly, I don’t care. If something is bothering me, I want to get it off my chest, no matter how many small animals I hurt in the process.

A recent trip to the super market spurred this ‘rant’ on. I want to preface this by saying that I obviously have no problems with places of business making it easier for people with disabilities to shop at their store – in fact, I encourage it. However, after observing certain “disabled” people at the supermarket last week, my head almost exploded.

The supermarket that we usually frequent has motorized carts available for people who have trouble getting around. When not abused, this is a terrific idea. BUT, as with many conveniences like this, there are “opportunists” who continually try to take advantage of the system. These people are just too plain lazy to go through all the aisles the traditional route – on foot. No, the only way they can apparently grocery shop is by using one of these carts – EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T REQUIRE IT. They just meander from aisle to aisle, getting up and walking around to pick stuff up, and then sitting back down in their carts (again, I want to stress the fact that I like the idea of carts for disabled people). They expect you to move out of their way, and have a certain smugness that makes me want to hit them over the head with a box of Cheerios.

I really believe there should be some sort of application process that one should go through in order to use one of these motorized carts. I’m not sure if it should be a written test, or a test accompanied by a letter from a physician, or some other suitable process.

In summation, I don’t think this option should be available to anybody who is just too plain lazy to go grocery shopping. Am I overreacting to this? Probably. I think I’ve been given that “Look at me, I’m shopping while I’m sitting down, and you’re not” look one too many times by some of these cheaters.

That Was NOT Easy!

I’m not going to take a bite out of Smokin’ Steve’s blog-site’s weekly asshole of the week award, but I have my own personal one. It is not necessarily a person, but more like a company. I won’t give you the name of the company, but I will give you its slogan – “That Was Easy.”

Let’s call the company “Paperclips.” Last week, they had a pretty amazing store sale – in fact, I was able to pick up a remote control, and a 6-outlet surge-resistent plug for free, and a 50-pack of DVD’s for $5. So far, so good – Paperclips was really making things easy for me.

Later in the week, I noticed that they had a special on a DVD burner (internal) for $20 (after rebates). This was certainly another fantastic deal that I couldn’t pass up. I went to the Moorestown Paperclips to purchase the burner, but found out that they had sold out of them. The sales person, who was actually very helpful, ordered one online for me. He had also given me the locations of other Paperclips stores that had some left, but I figured, it would be great just to have the thing delivered to my house … YES, because I’m lazy.

I was expecting it on Monday, but it didn’t show. When I got home on Tuesday, and saw no package again, I thought (A) it was stolen, (B) delivery people are as lazy as me, and (C) I’m gonna screw the pooch on this one. Well, you guessed it, the correct answer was indeed C.

I received a phone call from Paperclips (they conveniently called my home when they knew I’d be at work) and the lady said that she could not fulfill my order, and she would be crediting my credit card. Needless to say, I was pissed. I mean, had I known that the online service of Paperclips sucks the big hairy banana, I would’ve gone to another Paperclips store and picked up the burner there. Now, the sale is over, the product is sold out, and I have no burner.

I’m going to go to the Paperclips store today, and (A) complain, (B) yell and scream, and (C) suggest they change their slogan to “We’ll help you screw the pooch.” If you know the company I’m talking about, don’t go there. Go to Office Max or Office Depot instead.

Lottery Blues

So, I didn’t win the big New Jersey Lottery last night – well, actually, I did win $2 for hitting the powerball, so I got that going for me…. But, it got me to thinking. What would I do, if I won a substantial lottery – say anything over $100 million (I’d gladly take less, but I might do things a little differently).

First thing I (and most intelligent people) would do is contact a trusted attorney (should these two words be in the same sentence?) to guide me with specific financial details that I may not be aware of.

Next, I would probably put my house up for sale and move out (I still wouldn’t claim the winning ticket at this point). At this point, I would probably tell my parents, and THAT’S IT. Last thing I need is to have thousands of my so-called “friends” call me out of the blue to see how I’m doing (no offense, I know who my real friends are). Also, I’d be afraid of people who prey on these lottery winners – and you know those people are out there (many of them are going to Ohio to find the winner as we speak).

I would move into a new house (or maybe an apartment for the time-being), and make sure that it is unlisted. I would probably put a big chunk away in safe investments in which I could live off of the interest. I’m not sure if I’d stop working at my current place of employment, but if I did, I’d probably find someplace to either work part-time, or I would take up some exciting hobbies (internet radio, golf, skiing, big-game fishing, etc.).

I’d definitely like to buy property – maybe a place down the shore and in the Poconos that I could rent out for part of the year, and live in for other parts. I might buy other real-estate, and rent it out, or fix it up and sell it. I’d definitely like to try and make money because (A) I’d be afraid of blowing all the winnings, and (B) it would give me something to do.

I’m not sure where I heard it, but somebody told me that many big winners in lotteries are broke after 5 years, because they don’t pace themselves, and splurge at a rate that they can’t withstand. I don’t want to be that guy if I’m ever lucky enough to be in this position. I should probably stop dreaming.

Coming In Threes?

Don Knotts and the guy who played the dad in A Christmas Story died this weekend. So, you know how these celebrity deaths come in 3’s? My question is, who would you like to see complete the trifecta? Not that I want anyone to die, but I would like to see their “careers” halted (I just want to make that clear – I am trying to have fun with this blog, and don’t want to offend anybody … at least not too much). Here is my list:

1. Kevin Federline – The guy is so slimy that eels abhor him. He obviously is much like a Kato Kaelin, in that he tries to hook on to morons (Brittany Spears) in order to gain celebrity status.

2. Simon Cowell – I HATE American Idol. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!!! I have gone into many reasons why I have hated the show in the past, so I won’t bore you with a recap. But, I truly believe that Simon and this show have corrupted our minds, and have continued our forced acceptance of really bland music.

3. Barry Bonds – This guy makes my skin crawl. Arrogance emits out of this guy at a stronger rate than energy emits out of the sun. I will never question his athletic skills, but I will never get over the way he acts. I watch his games in the hope that his knees explode.

4. Corporations who have ruined terrestrial radio – Again, I’ve stated this many times, so I won’t rehash. I do believe internet and satellite stations applaud these corporations, because they have successfully helped to jump-start these markets.

5. All Boy Bands – Thank goodness that they don’t seem to be as popular as they were even a few years ago, but man, my ears bled when I heard their music (and it was played just about everywhere).

6. Osama Bin Laden – I don’t think I really need to add anything to this.

7. Politicians who won’t work together (both sides) – How can we accomplish anything with all of the bickering? Shouldn’t the people come first (that’s what she said) instead selfish political agendas?

8. Bode Miller – Enough already. You are a skier, and you are only popular once every four years. Why don’t you try and help the image of the sport instead of acting like a turd? The Olympics needs people who are potential role models, not arrogant jerks who think they are better suited for the silver screen.

9. Kobe Bryant – I think he should’ve tried to be a golfer or bowler, that way, he wouldn’t have to worry about including the rest of his team in the game … not that he worries about that now.

10. Gangsta Rap – I just want the whole genre to die. Seriously, how does this even get on the air? They talk about sex, violence, drugs, etc., and the FCC is O.K. with this? But, when Stern talked about this stuff in an arguably less graphic way, he got fined, censored, and was forced to leave. How does this work? Am I missing something?

Problem Solved

I know this has been documented before, but I’m tellin’ ya, this epidemic is increasing. What am I talking about? Ice that fast food restaurants put in the cups of soda we order. The scoopers are bigger than dump trucks, and they ram every last bit of ice that they can in these cups – sometimes I’m amazed that the cups don’t break from all of that weight and pressure.

I hear that we are annually losing much of our ice on this planet, and I think I can point out the culprits. The two biggest “ice-pushers” in my humble opinion are Wendy’s and Chick Fil-A. I don’t think it’s possible that they can produce that much ice on their own. They must be going to the north and south poles and “stealing” ice by the ton. Things have gotten so bad, that I think I found a penguin in my soda the other day.

As one might be able to deduce from a quick glance at my frame, I like to frequent fast food restaurants from time to time, so I feel like my opinion is more or less expert opinion. Do I really need this much ice? Are you really that hard up to save money by reducing my soda intake? I feel guilty telling the fast-food employee to take it easy on the ice, and maybe use a smaller scooper – like maybe I could be the reason this person gets fired.

I don’t want to have that on my conscience. So I allow them to rape me with a big ol’ ice dildo. I know they prey on this, and I’m the perfect customer for them. But, one of these days, I’m gonna really screw with them and ask for a cup of soda WITH NO ICE (of course, they’ll probably charge me extra for this).

Bits and Pieces

I1. had lunch at Baha Fresh for the first time today – delicious Mexican food at a reasonable price … and most importantly, not the uncontrollable gas that one gets after eating at Taco Bell (or the Hepatitis from Chi Chi’s).

2. NASCAR started up again this weekend. How is this “sport” popular? I absolutely can’t stand it. I want somebody to explain to me how one can sit through 3 hours of this (and then I’ll explain to you how I can watch wrestling).

3. I miss the NHL. I like Olympic hockey, but I really would like to see my Flyers back on the ice.

4. I have a couple more bands for you to sample. Check out the Editors, Morningwood, and VHS or Beta.

5. NBC did get one thing right with the Olympics, but unfortunately, it may have been the only thing they got right. NBC is using new music, instead of overplayed classic rock and roll … and I, for one, love it.

A Good Workout?

Certain tasks have a way of reminding us just how old we are. I was “lucky enough” to participate in one of these tasks on Saturday. I was invited to play in a two-on-two hockey tournament – played in the driveway of a friend’s house, and, for one reason or another, decided that I was “fit” enough to play (I would find later, that this was a grave mistake).

I should’ve known this may not be an “all-star” like day for me when I realized I forgot my sweatpants, and only had shorts … it was a balmy 26 degrees with a steady 20-mph wind, making it feel like Antarctica. Walking outside in those shorts immediately made me an “innie” if you know what I mean.

The first 10 minutes or so weren’t too bad – in fact, I felt that the 20-minutes a day that I had been doing on the elliptical trainer were actually paying off. BUT, the eleventh minute and onward quickly made me realize that my “training” was woefully inadequate.

Thanks to the cold weather, my lungs felt like Keith Richards’ lungs, and I couldn’t quite describe how my legs felt because they had lost feeling rather quickly. I did manage to score some goals, but instead of cheer, I knelt over and tried gasping for precious oxygen.

I even goal-tended for a little while, and this was actually a well-needed “rest” for me – the goalie equipment actually blocked out some of the cold. However, the “rest” that I thought I’d get, never really happened, as they peppered me with more shots than a Schwarzenegger movie. Also, the goalie equipment felt heavier than the lead singer of Heart.

The good news is that my “luck” followed me out to Montgomery County. Even though I was the goalie, I was able to block a shot with my waffle pad, and perfectly deflect it upwards and to an angle that eventually met with a second-story window, shattering it.

The real pain didn’t hit until after I got home from the tournament. I moved slower than the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. The aches and pains left me a useless man on Sunday … but thankfully, I’m a useless man every Sunday.

Where Did My Interest In the Olympics Go?

All my talk about my lack of interest in the Olympics got me to wondering why. There was a time when I couldn’t wait for the Olympics. Eric Heiden, the Miracle on Ice, Edwin Moses, Sally Decker, Daley Thompson, Mary Lou Retton – these athletes and the Olympic stories they helped to author enthralled me … I couldn’t get enough of them.

But now, I could care less about Michelle Kwam’s quest for a gold medal being thwarted, or the diva-like qualities that Johnny Weir displays, or that the U.S. can only seem to get medals in snow-boarding events. Why is this? These are probably events that I might normally be interested in? I did some thinking and came up with a handful of reasons why this may be.

1. There is no longer a U.S.S.R. I think this may be the grand-daddy of all reasons why I have lost my “Olympic Mojo.” Back in the day, there was one super-villain to our country’s Superman – and that was “the hammer and the sickle.” These two countries threatened boycotts on each other every four years, and the tension was so tight that you could cut it with a chainsaw. By the way, tension sells. When the overachieving U.S. hockey team surprised the world by knocking off the unbeatable Soviets in ice hockey, a nation stood together with enormous pride. Even people who couldn’t stand hockey watched in anticipation. Of course, when the Soviets beat the undefeated Americans in basketball in the early 1970’s the same happened the other way. Stories were created that not even the most creative writers could conjure. When the veil of Communism was lifted, so was this all-important aspect.

2. Instead of having the Olympics (both summer and winter) every 4 years, now they have split them, so in a sense, they are every two years. It is not as big of a deal anymore. In fact, one can easily get sick of the overabundance of advertisements and commercials, and since it is done every two years, one becomes numb to the Olympics.

3. Professional Athletes are now competing. I think some of the innocence was lost when they allowed this. Would some of the luster have been lost if the 1980 U.S. hockey team that won the gold consisted of professional athletes? I think so. Additionally, (at least with the U.S. basketball team) we have a collection of overpaid egomaniacs representing our country – I’m not saying that this isn’t a fair representation, but I don’t want to see these jerks playing for my country (although, I get a strange feeling of delight watching the team lose – is this wrong?).

4. Cable T.V. and the Internet. We can easily find the scores and highlights of games that have already taken place simply by clicking the mouse a few times. Heck, if there was a major upset that involved a U.S. person or team, there is no way we could get through an entire day without hearing about it. So, when NBC replays highlights of this at night, the surprise and shock value is lost. I will use the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team as a reference to this again. In 1980, when they beat the Soviets, it happened a few hours before it was ever televised. The shock value was secure. Additionally, there are so many other things on T.V. that can easily take us away from a boring figure skating event, but that wasn’t the case “in the old days.”

These are the four I came up with. I am sure there are more – please share your thoughts.

Drips and Drabs

1. Did you guys hear about all the Dick Cheney jokes? The late night hosts had a field day – not that this is very surprising. I guess it’s not every day that a vice president mistakes a guy for a bird, and shoots him. But I am shocked that none of the shows exploited the fact that he was shooting at quail – and putting in a zinger about how Cheney was actually aiming for Dan Quayle, the guy that single-handedly cost Bush senior a second term. I’m sure there will be more jokes about this, so I can only hold my breath and hope.

2. New York City was blanketed with the most snow ever recorded this weekend, and I’m surprised (once again) that the late night guys didn’t make more jokes about this. I figured they’d mix in a joke or two about world record numbers of drug pushers in the city as well. Of course, I’m still waiting for Pat Robertson to make another moronic remark (I think he is due, isn’t he) regarding the city deserving this because of all the sinners living there (stuff it, Robertson!).

3. My Monday ritual was sacrificed, thanks to a stupid dog show. Seriously, how many people could possibly be watching this? Do I need two hands to count them? Oh, and my Monday ritual is watching wrestling, so I guess I really shouldn’t be commenting on this.


4. Are the advertisers at Pepsi just mailing it in at this point? They’ve done a good thing by eliminating the “Brown and Bubbly” slogan. However, I just saw a new commercial featuring Pepsi and Jackie Chan as cops fighting bad guys. Ummmm…. Is this somehow supposed to make me want to drink Pepsi? If possible, this may actually be worse than the Pepsi NFL commercial in which the Patriots drafted a Pepsi machine. I felt myself actually getting dumber watching this… but not dumb enough to drink a Pepsi.

5. Speaking of weather, does it scare only me to know that some weather forecasters seem to be getting off a little too much on the weather? I mean, I think it is fine to be passionate about your job, but I bet that some of these forecasters would love to just get in bed with a nice tight-looking category 4 hurricane sometime.

Ouch, My Back Hurts!

1. Forget about all of the stuff I said about how great it is to get a snow storm. I spent 2 ½ hours shoveling that heavy sh*t yesterday, and I am sorer than Hulk Hogan was after he body slammed Andre the Giant. The snow is nice to look at, and it always feels like peace and serenity when the snow event is actually occurring, but the pick-up and clean-up afterwards sucks – so much so, that I think I would rather watch American Idol for 5 straight hours, than shovel snow (at least that heavy stuff) for 2 hours.

2. It seems as if all of the news stations are getting their money’s worth with the term “thunder-snow.” Why is it that every time I hear this term now, I’m waiting for Angus to belt out the opening licks to an AC/DC song? But, with that being said, it was really cool to see lightning while it was snowing.

3. The Olympics have been going on for a few days now, and all I have really seen so far is highlights. Of course, these highlights are just photos of the event. Are the Olympics that prestigious, that all we are allowed to see are photos on other stations? This reminds of boxing pay-per-views.

4. The Sixers lost AGAIN last night. For those keeping track of this current losing streak, none of the teams that they lost too are serious threats of having a championship parade … in fact, at least two of the teams are nowhere near playoff contention. Is it time to get rid of Iverson? Probably. But, it probably won’t really make a difference to me anyway – as I am sick of pro basketball, and am finding myself watching more college hoops.

5. Speaking of sports, in my humble opinion, the NFL Pro Bowl is even more of a waste of time than Gigli. It is the only “all-star” game that happens after the season is over. No, I don’t think they should do it during the season, but if you can’t have it during the season, why have it at all? Nobody is watching. Can’t you just have these all-stars do something different, like maybe an American Gladiators style show? Wouldn’t this be more interesting than the Pro Bowl?

Winter Wonderland???

Well, it looks like winter will finally be showing its ugly self this weekend – Philly is supposed to get anywhere from 5 to 15 inches of the white stuff - no, the city of brotherly love is not expecting a large cocaine shipment – I’m talkin’ about snow. Unfortunately, it is happening this weekend, because I love having a day off during the week.

However, I love snow. I love the whole snow event, especially watching it pile up during the actual storm. There is a certain peaceful feeling that accompanies it. Things seem cleaner and quieter. Sure, I’m not a big fan of the snow shoveling – I have more aches and pains than when I listen to Philly radio (not including Preston and Steve). But, it is a small price to pay for the majesty of a winter wonderland.

Man, I remember being a kid when we were getting these snow storms. Ah, the great snowball fights, wonderful sledding at Monument Hill, the days off of school - I’ve never listened to KYW radio with such passion as when I was waiting for Harry Donahue to announce the school closings and say those magical 3 numbers – 4-5-0. Sure, I probably should’ve gone right back to sleep, but I had too much adrenaline flowing through my body to even bother.

I couldn’t get outside fast enough to play in the snow. 7:30 a.m.? I better hurry - the day is almost over. I gotta build a snow fort, get into a massive snowball fight, help the parents shovel the sidewalk and driveway, and go sledding. No time to waste!

I even have a Stones memory dealing with snow (go figure!). My cousin Drew and I decided to go out and make some money shoveling snow around the neighborhood. We each made over $30 – which was a major ransom for kids our age. I had my eyes on this Stones compilation that had come out a few months earlier – it was called Hot Rocks, and it was a two cassette story of the early years of the World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band (yes – I am dating my self with the part about the cassette tapes). I purchased it that day, and probably played it non-stop for 6 months or so. Of course, this wouldn’t have been possible without the snow.

Things Creepin' and Crawlin' in my Mind

1. I remember my school closing number. It was 450. Why this is in my head right now, I don’t know. Maybe it is because I’m hoping for snow, but know that we probably won’t get anything significant this year in Philly. I also remember my high school locker number – 369, and the combination – 42, 44, 16. Again, no clue why that has stuck with me this long.

2. I hate tax time. I don’t really know why. Maybe it is because I really don’t know what goes in to doing taxes on your own. I always take my tax stuff to somebody else, although this year, I am going to try Turbo Tax. I heard good things about this. Wish me luck.

3. I love cereal – I have it just about every morning for breakfast - along with a tall glass of orange juice. I am on a Honey Nut Cheerios kick. My old favorite used to be Frosted Flakes.

4. Speaking of orange juice, why does every restaurant try to skimp us on this? They give us such small glasses and charge us $3.00 for that? They make it same like O.J. is becoming as scarce as oil.

5. I predict I’ll have one of those internet radio transceivers by April (after I get money back from tax time) – I am sick of hearing nothing but Led Zeppelin, Ozzie, Stained, and the other 2 or 3 bands being played on the “rock” stations in Philly. I’d like to discover more music.

6. I’m excited about Olympic hockey, and maybe the luge and bobsled….THAT’s IT!

7. Angelina Jolie, pregnant? This should never happen, for the sake of all the guys on the planet.

8. Somebody suggested that I watch the show Love Monkey, which is on tonight at 10:00 p.m. First, I’m having trouble justifying watching a show with the title “Love Monkey.” Second, a comedy on at 10:00 p.m.? Isn’t this a little late for a sit-com? Shouldn’t one of the other canned crime-fighting/detective/coroner/ shows be slated for this time slot?

9. I saw that one of the Suncoast video places is going out of business (in the Moorestown Mall). Now, I’m not sure if all of these are going under, but if so, I have a good idea why. YOU’RE PRICES WERE WAY TOO HIGH. EVEN WITH THE 20% OFF THAT YOU ARE DOING IN ORDER TO LIQUIDATE, IT IS STILL TOO EXPENSIVE.

10. I try not to get involved in religious (or political) arguments. To each his/her own, I always say. However, this whole situation with regards to the newspaper comic that depicted a picture of Muhammed with a bomb on his head (hinting that Muslims are violent) is quite comical. First, I have no problems with Muhammed or anyone wishing to worship him. Many Muslims claim that Islam is a very peaceful religion. BUT, you wouldn’t know that with all the riots going on because of a comic. Yes, the comic was in very bad taste. Yes, I can see it being very offensive. But, isn’t there a better way to show that you are not violent, and to show your distaste and opposition to this comic than by causing riots and killing people?

Just Some Quick Monday Morning AFter Super Bowl Thoughts.

1. Arethra Franklin got so big, she looked like Jerome Bettis.

2. Out of the lame group of Super Bowl commercials, I thought the Ameriquest one with the lady who had to go to the bathroom in the airplane was the best … of course, that’s not saying much.

3. What does the term “Brown and Bubbly” make you think of? I’m guessing it is NOT Pepsi.

4. So, when the Steelers played the Seahawks, was this the first time an NFL team played a CFL team?

5. I’m guessing the only way to get the Super Bowl trophy into Detroit is to actually have the Super Bowl played there.

6. I’m happy for Bill Cowher, I think he deserved a Super Bowl.

7. It was nice to sit back, relax, and watch the Super Bowl and not care who won.

8. I’m liking Al Michaels less and less … I don’t think he said “Gadget Play” nearly enough last night.

9. So, what the heck is a Code Black? Whatever it is, I wasn’t interested enough to stay up and watch Grey’s Anatomy.

10. I can see where Andy Reid got his “knack” for calling a terrible two-minute offense … from Mike Holmgren.

And God Gave Us the STONES!!!

I had the pleasure of seeing the World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band once last night with a good college friend of mine in Baltimore, MD last night. For those of you who are counting, this was the 8th time that I have see the Stones – what makes this latest show unique is that it is most likely the smallest venue I’ve gotten to see them in. I think the Mariner’s Arena holds somewhere around 9,000 fans.

The entire experience was fun, as I got to meet up with said friend at around 5:30 at a bar called Mother’s. Their wings were fantastic, AND they had a good beer selection - although, I wussed out and ordered the Miller Lite …. Hey I gotta watch my figure, darn-it (I don’t want it to get any rounder)! We were entertained for quite by a group of firefighters who were in the process of tying one on. This showing prompted us to “hope” that my friend’s home would never catch fire – because the fire-fighters would probably never find it … of course, if they put as much effort into fighting fires as they did into drinking, they’d be the best fire fighters on the planet.

**A funny occurrence – one of the firefighters left. That’s not the funny occurrence. However, when the guy (who probably shouldn’t have even been walking, let alone driving) decided to gun his SUV in reverse, he was able to smash into a Lexus (that was parked next to my car – gulp!). Not that we should expect fire fighters to do the right thing in this position, but I was mildly surprised that he decided to leave the scene**

After 3 hours of “pre-game,” we finally made our way to the arena. Our seats were in what would normally be the nosebleeds, but since the arena is so small, even though we were far up, it felt like we were very close to the stage (directly to the right of the stage). The Stones came out and gave another killer effort – starting off with Jumpin’ Jack Flash, playing some surprises like Love is Strong, and All Down The Line. My friend said that he started tearing up during Gimme Shelter (I got goose-bumps – Lisa Fisher is amazing). They played their hearts out for a little over 1 ½ hours, and then they were gone – prompting me to wonder (as I do after every Stones show since 1989) whether or not this would be the last chance I’d get to see them live.

We then went to a “Gentleman’s club” (insert your “How did you get in?” punchline here), and actually only spent like $10-$15 each total (no cover, and the girls were less attractive than normal). We finished the night off by going to Taco Bell – figuring that Mexican food would help us sleep better (I’m not sure how we came to that conclusion – maybe it was the beer talking).

I am suffering today, but it was well worth it – seeing the Stones with a good friend who had never seen them before.

Little Known Facts

Since Smokin’ Steve did a list of things people may not know about him, I decided to do the same:

* I once went to a John Tesh show … not because I wanted to, but because I owed somebody a favor (get your minds out of the gutter – it wasn’t that kind of favor). They were great musicians, but still, not my cup of tea.
* I once skipped an Interboro vs. Ridley Thanksgiving Day game (it was pushed to a Friday because of weather), to go see a movie with a girl (it was a big mistake – one of the only Interboro vs. Ridley games I’ve ever missed).
* I gave my mom a wok for Christmas once – she hated it. About 8 years later, I took it to college unopened.
* I have an ass dent on the roof of my car, thanks to a cable guy.
* I won an air hockey tournament.
* I hate ham.
* When I was young, I didn’t like pizza and hamburgers.
* I flipped Video Pinball on the Atari 2600 5 times in one sitting.
* I have over 50 Rolling Stones albums.
* I once took a piss next to Michael Buffer (Let’s Get Ready To Rumble.).
* I sat next to Boyz To Men in the press box of an Eagles game.
* I gave a girl a foot fixer (foot massaging system) as a Christmas present once.
* I own a pair of Big Yanks corduroy pants.
* I once owned “Nado Super Primo” sneakers, and “Copa 83” sneakers.
* I wore “Uncle Charlies” and “Smacks” pants in middle school.

Life After The Stones

A friend of mine went to a Sevendust concert this weekend – now this is a band that is generally loud and falls into the genre of music that this friend would typically like. However, he ended up not really enjoying the show, and said that he thinks he is getting too old for this.

It got me thinking. There was a time, when I would only really listen to the Stones, The Who, and some selected classic rock. This was basically high school through college, for me. Prior to high school and middle school, I listened to pop music, which included such musical stalwarts as Kool and The Gang, Lionel Richie, and Nena.

Thankfully, a middle school bud rescued me before Janet Jackson could claw her way into my soul, and introduced the Rolling Stones to me. I was immediately hooked, after hearing the addicting piano intro to “Let’s Spend The Night Together,” and immediately tried to soak up all the Stones music, like a sponge. Luckily for me, the Stones have a vast library of music – so it has taken me a long time to search and find all of their music (a task I probably will never finish).

However, this task retarded my musical growth. I am not saying that the Stones are not musically talented and diverse – I think they are the most diverse rock band of all time (as well as the best). However, the sheer excellence of the Stones would keep me from experimenting with other music throughout high school – and through most of college.

However, beginning junior year, I began to musically thaw, thanks to the wide-ranging musical tastes of my college roommates. My world began to appreciate other types of music – alternative, heavy metal, industrial, rap – and I began to slowly thirst for this. Now, this was a very slow process, mind you. I didn’t just open-up and gorge myself on these various new (to me) musical genres.

In fact, I don’t think I truly 100% opened up until just a few years ago. I began to openly search for new music – finding bands like the Strokes, The Killers, The Bravery, Hot Hot Heat, The Rakes, The Capes, Franz Ferdinand, The Automatic, The Vines, and the Hives – just to mention a few. Maybe it’s just that I’m enjoying the current garage-rock phase.

More Snippets

1. Ford is now the latest U.S. car-maker to announce cuts in order to save the company. Is this a surprise to anyone? Is a Ford on the top of your list when you think of buying a new car (and don’t live in the hinterlands)? Finally, somebody got the hint that creativity was an afterthought with these automobiles. Yes – there are other issues with regards to the unions, pensions, too many layers of management, etc. that play into this, but the bottom line is that people don’t like boring cars. President Bush even said this (sort of) when asked about it a few days ago. In fact, he went on to say that Ford and GM should really look outside the box and MAYBE focus on researching alternative fuel technologies to maybe get a leg up on the competition (or at least try to catch up to the competition). The large thud heard was of the many big oil company people’s jaws hitting the ground.

2. Rumor has it that Google may be on the verge of entering terrestrial radio. My God, finally some potentially positive news for people who haven’t switched to satellite radio! I’m guessing that Google will take a very different path than all of the other big, boring, risk-averting companies that currently have a strangle hold on the radio market (especially in Philly) – and may offer a new, refreshing alternative … at least, I hope so.

3. I saw previews for the new Pink Panther movie a bunch this week. Now, I’m a big fan of the Pink Panther franchise – I loved the work that Peter Sellers did. Consequently, I also like Steve Martin. But, man, do those commercials look horrible. I have a feeling that this movie may be a step BELOW such flops as “Dude, Where’s My Car,” “Dumb and Dumberer,” and even “Gigli.”

4. Has the Super Bowl been played yet? Isn’t this usually more hyped? I almost forgot about it this week. Maybe it’s because the Eagles aren’t involved – although with the exception of last year (and 1981), they are never involved, and I still feel super-saturated with Super Bowl matchup knowledge. But not this year. Maybe its because the Seahawks are in it – which makes it almost feel like the Canadian Football championship, or a division 3 college football game.

Say It Isn't So, Super Mario!

Yesterday, an icon of the NHL officially announced his retirement. Mario Lemieux, a player who single-handedly rescued the Pittsburgh Penguins from imminent death, and won them multiple Stanley Cups, finally revealed that his battered body would no longer allow him to continue to participate in the sport that he loves.

I am a Philadelphia Flyers fan, so it is often hard for me to say nice things about other hockey players (actually, that is not true, because I am a hockey fan, as well). However, there are a few athletes (in every sport) who deserve accolades from everybody. Lemieux is one of those.

I was lucky enough to have been able to see both Lemieux and Gretzky play – not that it was a joy to watch them, especially against the orange-and-black. Every time they were on the ice against the Flyers, I felt helpless. I knew that sooner or later they would find the twine. They were magicians with the puck, and when they came to Philly, it always felt like more than just a hockey game.

Lemieux was more of a thorn in the Flyers side (even though Gretzky helped defeat the Flyers in two Stanley cups), probably because the Flyers face him more often. From the start, the Flyers seemed to be Lemieux’s bitch – even in the early years, when the Flyers won most of the games.

Philly fans who get a bad rap (see any article about throwing snowballs at Santa, or Michael Irvin) actually probably showed Lemieux the most amount of respect – twice. The first time was when Mario came back from Hogkin’s Disease treatments – his first game was in Philly. Flyer fans, for a few minutes, became Penguins fans (actually, Lemieux fans), giving him a standing ovation for what seemed to be ever. He was visibly choked up (funny how we don’t hear about these things in the national media). The second time was when he announced his first retirement – again, it was against the Flyers, and again the fans showed their appreciation.

I will miss him, and I hope that the new stars of the NHL will reach those heights – a tall order for anybody.

Mmmmmmmm....Morsels

Some More Morsels (love that word!)

1. We had some interior designer friends over this weekend, and I realized how much I don’t know about interior design. They were talking about window treatment at one point. If my wife told me to go get window treatment, I would probably come back with a case of Windex and some caulk. Actually, window treatment is the more “hip” term for curtains. So, don’t say you didn’t learn anything today.

2. It should be an exciting Super Bowl this year. I watched both games and was impressed with the Steelers and Seahawks on both sides of the ball. I really admire Bill Cowher, even though I’m not a Steelers fan (hard to be one if you are an Eagles fan). However, he does look a lot like Sgt. Slaughter. He spits when he talks too (just like Sarge). The Super Bowl would be awesome if (A) the NFL had a microphone on Cowher the entire game and he said things like “You puke!, You maggot!,” and (B) if they could convince coach Holmgren to dress up like the Iron Sheik. BTW – if you think I lifted the Sgt. Slaughter reference from the Sports Guy, you are wrong – I have e-mail evidence to prove that I had called him Sgt. Slaughter before last week’s article came out.

3. I watched Shawshank Redemption AGAIN last night. It seems like (A) TNT, Spike, TBS, and every other station has a rule that they must play this movie at least once a week, and (B) anytime that I know it is on, I feel compelled to watch it. What a great movie.

4. My wife is now a huge Johnny Cash fan. We saw the movie about a month ago, and she is totally enamored by him. Prior to seeing the movie, my wife would never have listened to his music – I even tried playing a song in the car once, and after 30 seconds, she asked me to change it. Now she knows a bunch of his songs by heart, goes to his website just about every day, and probably knows more about him than I do.

5. I watched part of 60 minutes last night (the football game was on commercial), and saw that there are these gaming tournaments all over the place now – with sponsorship deals, and major prize money. Where was this when the Atari 2600 was all the rage? I would’ve beaten anybody in Yar’s Revenge, and Megamania.

Odds and Ends

1. I got an acoustic guitar for Christmas. I figured that since I’m so good at air guitar, that I should probably learn how to play real guitar – I’d probably be a natural, or something like that. Well, after 4 weeks, I’m not a natural. In fact, I stink. But, I love it, and I think I hear improvement. In fact, I can play such classics as “When the Saints Go Marching In” and “Jingle Bells.” Ever onward!

2. If you are jonesing to find some new music, I have some suggestions for you. First, listen to internet or satellite radio (forget about terrestrial radio – but you already know that). One of my favorite internet radio stations is woxy.com. It is actually two stations – one with vintage modern rock, and the other has new modern rock. It will open a whole new world for you. If you don’t feel like listening to internet radio, let me suggest a few bands for you to research. First, the Capes are a new band out of the U.K., and they sound like a mix between the Cars and the Beach Boys. Second, the Automatic, another British band, has a little more edge, but still employs great harmonies and upbeat music. Finally, give a listen to the Rakes – very upbeat, and lots of fun.

3. Just a few other tidbits:
* My current favorite movie quote – “I love lamp! I love lamp.” From Anchorman.
* My current favorite song – “Super Girls” from the Capes.0
* Least favorite household chore – Cleaning the bathrooms. It is literally a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it.”
* Least Favorite Commercial – Oh man, this is a toss up. Right now, I hate the Ebay commercials. I want to massage my head with a porcupine every time I hear the “Sleepy Jean” song.
* Coolest Show I Just Discovered – There is a show on WYBE (public television station – channel 24 on my dial), called “Later with Jools.” It was some sort of rock and roll show (reminded me of Ed Sullivan Show but much, much cooler). The host was standing in the middle of the rather large studio, and he would introduce a number of bands – these bands were all around him in corners of this studio. He had some unknown bands and some rather big bands (The Pretenders and the Cardigans). He would introduce one band – they would play one of their songs, and then he’d introduce another band who would play one of their songs – then he would interview the first band, and then introduce a third band, and so on. Very cool – something the U.S. would never try (it was a British show). It was on this past Tuesday night at 8:00 p.m. I hope it is a weekly thing.

I Hate Trucks

I would personally like to thank the douche-bag who flipped his truck on I-95 yesterday, spilling part of the apparently toxic and flammable load, and causing the closure of I-95 (by the stadiums) for nearly 15 hours. It certainly made my commute much more interesting and I was able to “enjoy” it for almost 1 extra hour.

You know, I’m starting to understand people with road rage. No, I didn’t get road rage yesterday, but I felt my blood begin to boil. I’ve always had problems with these big trucks. I know that many of them are under time constraints – having to transport supplies across far distances in ridiculously short amounts of time. But, when transporting hazardous material, I would think a rational driver would make sure not to drive his truck so erratically and dangerously, that he puts himself and many surrounding people in jeopardy.

I felt like finding this guy and kicking him in the balls repeatedly for his move during the early part of rush hour yesterday morning. It seems like we see this every day – a truck going too fast to negotiate a turn, tipping over, and tying up traffic. Something needs to be done about this. I propose that the offending driver AND company pay each person who was affected by the delay (I’m talking everybody – people late to work, others who miss a favorite t.v. show because of it – everybody) some sort of “fee.” If we do this, then maybe the companies and drivers will act a little more responsible.

I’m not done with my rant, however. I’m finding it hard to understand why I-95 had to be closed for 15 hours – especially in a major city like Philadelphia. I understand that the truck flipped over the railing and dumped some hazardous chemicals onto the highway, and still had a bunch of chemicals in the tank. But 15 hours? Shouldn’t there be a plan in place that ensures an accident like this can be cleaned up in less time, especially on a major highway? Maybe I’m just not speaking rationally here, because it did inconvenience me a tad. But, I want to know. There must’ve been accidents similar to this one that have occurred elsewhere that we can compare this to. Did they take this long? Should I just let it go and get on with my life?

Dog-Gone Fun!

A friend of mine came over on Sunday to watch the NFL games. It was interesting, because neither of us really had a vested interest in any of the teams playing, so we actually got to sit back and objectively watch the games … however, because there are so many gosh-darn (trying to keep it clean) commercials in a televised NFL game, we did quite a bit of channel-surfing … and came up with some interesting points.

First, and foremost, what the hell are we going to watch on Sundays when the NFL is not on. I’m hoping that quite a bit of college basketball and NHL hockey will be on … but this was not the case yesterday … especially for the 1:00 game. Quite frankly, it probably would’ve been easier to find the Holy Grail than to find good sports yesterday.

As we surfed, we came across two networks that had FIGURE SKATING on … c’mon, guys, I think that one channel is probably too much for figure skating, let alone two. Is there really that kind of demand, or were you guys giving up because you knew that most people would be watching football?

Another channel had women’s college basketball. You know how I feel about this. I’m all for equal rights, but if it is boring, it shouldn’t be on TV … or at least not on a major network.

Then we luckily came across a channel that was showing a dog competition. No, this was not one of those boring American Kennel Club “Let’s see how much we can inbreed our dogs” show in which the owners primp their pooches to the point of folly, and then run around a circle as femininely as possible (and, of course the owners love being flamboyant).

No, this was much cooler – the cooler dog competitions that, in my opinion, should be on every week. You know the ones – the Frisbee competition with the owners who probably blazed a reefer minutes before (man, those Australian Sheep Dogs are amazing); the obstacle courses where the dogs jump over small fences, and go through all kinds of mazes (I’m not sure how owners can train dogs like this); the one were the dogs run and jump off a ramp into water (and the judges estimate the distance).

I am not lying here – I actually missed quite a bit of the football game, thanks to this show. I was enamored by the dogs so much, that I think this has a future. This could be similar to pro wrestling, in my mind. You can add storylines, and interesting owners, and have weekly competitions, that go towards point totals (much like NASCAR), with the events going into major towns (again, like NASCAR). I am excited about this. There could be a minor circuit for dogs and owners who aren’t ready for the big time … gosh (still trying to stay clean), my creative juices are flowing!!!!

So, just to recap, I think that dog competitions are more exciting than figure skating and women’s basketball.

Two Tidbits

1. So, the state of New Jersey is seriously considering banning smoking in public places … well, not ALL public places, but ones that are not considered casinos. In my mind, this is wrong on soooooooooooooooooo many levels. Look, I’m not even going to get into the damages that smoking can cause on the human body, because this has been well documented. And, yes, I know about the problems of second-hand smoke (so, please, don’t bring it up).

I think it should be the choice of an establishment on whether to allow smoking or not. If there are so many people up in arms about smoking in public places, there should be plenty of opportunities for them to open up their own places and make them no-smoking havens. And, if the government is so hard-up for this, why not offer tax breaks or incentives to these types of establishments?

Secondly, you start to understand what makes the government tick when you find out that Casinos are not a part of this ban. As always, the lesson here is that money talks. Man, the lobbyists and bribe-givers must’ve been working overtime on this one. How is this not an issue?

You know, if this keeps up, there will be a ban on drinking alcohol at bars eventually. Certainly, there will be a limit on how much beer or alcohol will be able to be consumed per person … except for at the Casinos.



2. Every now and then, a character on television comes by that just seems to steal every scene. It happened with Kramer on Seinfeld, Woody on Cheers, Homer on the Simpsons, and the Fonz on Happy Days. Well, let me introduce you to the next “guy.” His name is Dwight Schrute, and he is the assistant to the manager on a show called “The Office.”

Schrute’s mere face in a scene can make one wet his/her pants. He is anal retentive, a butt kisser, obnoxious, and a little bit crazy. He loves Dungeons and Dragons (a geek), Star Wars, and karate. People goof on him behind his back all of the time, but he thinks that he is well respected. The writers do a fantastic job with his character, but I think the actor himself (Rainn Wilson) adds something that nobody else can – kind of like Michael Richards did with the Kramer character.

Give the show a chance – it is on Thursdays at 9:30 p.m. on NBC. I bet your favorite character will be Schrute as well.

More Snippets

1. Kevin Federline, or K-Fed (as he wants to be called) has a new cd out. Now, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but do you think that he may have possibly (hear me out) used Brittany Spears to try and jump-start his career? I know, I know, I shouldn’t be taking such a stance when it is obvious that the two pieces of white trash are happily in love, but it bothers me (I’m not sure why, because I really can’t stand Brittany). I guess it gets my goat (there’s a saying I haven’t heard or used in a while) because a no-talent piece of crap used another no-talent piece of crap to make money (and I’m not sure how the first person made money). Also, anybody who gives him/herself a nickname is a loser.

2. I saw a commercial for Big Mamma’s House 2 … are you kidding me???? Has all of Hollywood decided to mail it in? Was the first one really that good? I watched parts of it, and it couldn’t keep my interest. Is this Hollywood’s marketing ploy – to raise ticket prices AND release really crappy movies? Who was the guy that thought this was a good idea?

3. Anyone else getting sick of the name Alito? I’m not sure if he is going to be good for the supreme court or bad - my guess is that he is just another pawn in the struggle between liberals and conservatives … and that is probably why I am sick of his name, his face, and any news story about him. Again, I am not giving any opinion on the guy, but I am sick of hearing about him – and obviously, I’m also very sick of crap-slinging going on between both parties - I know – some of you will say it is all one sided – depending on which side you are affiliated with, but I’m telling you, it is happening on both sides … I hope that some day (and I’m not holding my breath) that both parties DECIDE TO GROW UP AND (A) WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY BETTER, AND (B) ACTUALLY PUT FORTH CANDIDATES THAT HAVE THE INTERESTS OF THE PEOPLE IN MIND INSTEAD OF THWARTING THE OTHER PARTY IN MIND. I will get off of my soap box now.

Some Random Thougths from the Guy with the Big Mouth

1. Congrats to Smokin’ Steve for popping the question on Friday night. Thank you so much for including me in your special night (no, he didn’t ask me to marry him – but invited me to come out and watch the special moment). If you ever need any of my marital “wisdom” that I have gained over the past few years, (a) I’ll be glad to pass it on, and (b) you would be one desperate individual.

2. I saw a Listerine commercial yesterday, and it got me thinking. Why hasn’t there been an advance in technology to replace flossing? Not that I ask my friends about their hygiene habits, but I’m willing to bet that not many of them floss. I certainly don’t. It is time consuming, and just feels awkward. Seriously, we sent rovers to Mars – don’t you think that we should be able to come up with a better way of maintaining our gums?

3. I watched Serendipity and Sleepless in Seattle yesterday … this is what happens when the Eagles don’t make the playoffs … SO MR. REID, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, SO I DON’T FIND MYSELF IN THIS POSITION AGAIN!

4. N.O.W. is after Joe Paterno, because he “sort of defended” a Florida State player who was accused of rape. People, please. He didn’t defend the kid. All he said was that people are jumping to conclusions too quickly before hearing what actually happened. Let it go. There are other people you should be going after – not a legendary coach who has donated millions of dollars over the years to education at the campus he coaches.

Tagliabue, the Dictator?

The NFL got some bad press this week … and shockingly enough, it had nothing to do with Terrell Owens. Tagliabue and his cronies decided that during the half-time show – a show featuring the greatest rock and roll band in the world, that the 2000-or-so fans that will be enjoying the show on the field must be between 18 and 45 years old.

Now, I understand the logistics of this. The NFL (and the Stones) want to project themselves as young and hip. Having octogenarians keeling over on the field would be unsightly, and would probably add another15 minutes to the half-time show (what, with the removal of said carcasses).

However, the Stones have been around since 1962, and gained most of their popularity (and fans) in the earlier years. Sure, they continue to gain fans on a daily basis, but I’m guessing they have a large chunk of fans that are over the age of 45 (Mick is 62 for crying out loud).

Isn’t there grounds for some sort of lawsuit here? Has the NFL overstepped its bounds with this? Will this whole situation make people forget about the Janet Jackson “flat-tire” half-time disaster?

I’m sure the NFL will come through this fine, and yes, I’ll still watch the show (and no, I’ve lost no respect for the Stones – I mean, hey, I still think Mick is cool, even though he slept with David Bowie). I just get this feeling that Tagliabue is getting increasingly more drunk with power (I still have an issue with the NFL for strong-arming ESPN in canceling Playmakers). Someday, and it may be soon (see all the news stories about the problems the NFL is having with the players association over the new CBA), Tagliabue may find himself in a position similar to Hitler’s and Saddam’s last days (ass-up, ready for penetration).

Colds Make Me Say Nasty Things

Well, we finally reached 2006. And, I brought the New Year in with style … as I contracted my annual cold/flu over vacation. A new year couldn’t go by without me hacking up enough mucus to fill a swimming pool. So, because I’m not feeling great, I decided I would put a list of things I hate together:

1. Can somebody please explain to me the “philosophy” the NFL uses when they go to timeout after a score, then come back for the kickoff, only to immediately go back to commercials? It’s ONE PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we seriously need another commercial after 1 frickin’ play? Seriously, if you need to run the commercials, why not spend the extra minute after the score, so that you do not have to break up the game anymore, you corporate whores. I’m sick of it.

2. Skating with Celebrities????? Are you serious? I can’t wait for “Baking With Celebrities,” “Sleeping With Celebrities,” and “Off-roadin’ With Celebrities.” Enough, already. And please, take American Idol, and shove it up your ass.

3. Did the NFL regular season end? I didn’t notice. I watched part of another poor excuse for an Eagles game, and Joe Buck mentioned that the Eagles season was mercifully over. It was a very depressing season. Last year, before the Eagles even got T.O., my friend from Baltimore called to gloat (when it was reported T.O. was going to the Ravens). I told him that T.O. would not be the ticket to the championship, and that he would ultimately shake the organization to its foundation. Boy, what a prognosticator I was. The only thing was, that he ended up coming to Philly and doing this. Ugh.

4. Arrested Development is getting canceled? Why? Apparently, the show is too good for a channel like FOX. Of course, this is the channel that canceled Family Guy a few years ago, and replaced it with the blockbuster Tucker show.

5. Can we all get on with our lives, please? I am sick of hearing the “Nick and Jessica” gossip, and the “Brad and Angelina and Jennifer” triangle. Surely there must be something more important to discuss at the water cooler than a bunch of over-priced prim donnas having marital problems?

6. Can we finally put Dick Clark back in the freezer? I think it is time to get a new host for New Years, and no, I don’t think Regis is the answer. Isn’t he older than Dick Clark? Why not try Adam Carolla or Jimmy Kimmel? How much worse could it get?